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Author Topic: "Founding of The Reckoned"  (Read 873 times)

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Offline ChIlliFlaMeR

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"Founding of The Reckoned"
« on: December 9, 2007, 01:04:18 AM »
This a story of an old but a not forgotten chapter...the reckoned.The reckoned were one of the first 100 chapters of the space marines fonded at the time,and were a powerful chapter as well.But when the founder was killed of by protecting an imperial city against an errupting force of currupted marines,(soon later to be called chaosmarines).After the death,all the chaplains were discussing what would become of their falling chapter.All they could think of was stop fighting for what was not theirs,and follow their own path in wich they thought among themselves,and only protected the ones they now called...The Reckoned.
To Be Continued...tell me what you think
« Last Edit: December 9, 2007, 01:08:55 AM by chilliflamer »
l1573n , 1m n07 4 b4d p3rson 0r an rather unsavoury chap, what-ho old bean? 50 m0d3r470r5 c4n beslubber off 4nd l34v3 me 410n3 4b0ut 5pamm1ng, 1 w45 1gn0r3nt b4ck th3n g1v3 m3 4 cl34n 51473 4 g0dz 54k3                Warlord Gorsnikskraga       -p.s ZOg 0fF (XXX[:::;:;:;:;>
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Offline Inquisitor Malak

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Re: "Founding of The Reckoned"
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2007, 02:16:37 AM »
TBH thats pretty low-quality. Few things that jump out right away;

1. There is extensive background material officially that there were 10 Legions created originally. So, don't tie it back to the First Founding (cos thats set in stone, fluffwise), maybe a Second or later Founding (you'll also need to give their Legion of origin ie Ultramarines)

2. Instead of founder, I think you need to focus on a Chapter Master as the martyr in your narrative. Being a Successor Chapter, I would think its Chapter Master is a former Captain of one of the First Founding Legions (again, probably Ultramarines).

3. The name is annoying, change it to something else. Or even better, read the DA codex, it features several Successor Chapters which fit your 'redemption' theme.

4. As far as 'corrupted' SM go, here is the distinction; either they serve the Emperor (and therefore are not corrupted), or they serve Chaos (totally corrupted). Halfways are either renegades on the slippery slope to Chaos, or Chapters on penance Crusades.

I would seriously reccomend you re-read the Space Marines, Dark Angels and Chaos Space Marine codexes. They all have valuable official fluff which would help shape your idea from being totally left-field (its current incarnation) into something which does fit (like I said, DA successor Chapters fit your theme perfectly).
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Offline Khodexus

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Re: "Founding of The Reckoned"
« Reply #2 on: December 11, 2007, 05:13:50 AM »
There were around 18(ish) founding Legions. Chaos got 9, which, if there were only 10, would leave only 1 Legion to break up into Chapters.  I'm pretty sure it was close to a 50/50 split, which would put the original number near 18, though I seem to recall it might be off by one (ie: 19 or 17 instead of 18).

I don't have my Chaos Codex with me, but I know there are 9 Legions of Chaos.  Not counting Cults.

1. Black Legion/Sons of Horus/Luna Wolves
2. Alpha Legion
3. Night Lords
4. Word Bearers
5. Iron Warriors
6. World Eaters
7. Death Guard
8. Emperor's Children
9. Thousand Sons*

*My personal favorite.
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Offline ChIlliFlaMeR

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Re: "Founding of The Reckoned"
« Reply #3 on: December 13, 2007, 09:50:13 PM »
Woooow :o.that's alot of suggestion you guys have.I better start working on how to fix up the first one and I'm nowhere close to starting the 2nd page.But thanks for the suggestions,they'll really help :-*
(I'll see what I can do about the chapter.not much of a chance I'll change it :P)
l1573n , 1m n07 4 b4d p3rson 0r an rather unsavoury chap, what-ho old bean? 50 m0d3r470r5 c4n beslubber off 4nd l34v3 me 410n3 4b0ut 5pamm1ng, 1 w45 1gn0r3nt b4ck th3n g1v3 m3 4 cl34n 51473 4 g0dz 54k3                Warlord Gorsnikskraga       -p.s ZOg 0fF (XXX[:::;:;:;:;>
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Offline bluewpc

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Re: "Founding of The Reckoned"
« Reply #4 on: December 13, 2007, 11:04:54 PM »
Jesus beslubber kid. In defense of the people here (and myself) on the board I'd like to point out that you really don't have too beslubbering much to work with.  You have five run-on sentences that you claim to be a paragraph, you obviously didn't put enough time into reviewing your work when you consider the very simple fact that there isn't a space between a period and a new sentence. Case in point  "of their falling chapter.All they" Please explain to me why anyone should take the time to review your work when you haven't put in the time yourself? Then get mad because no one responds or comments or gives advice I mean are you on your beslubbering period, what the problem? I'm not going to just rant and be-atch at you so here is my review of your work:

First things first you need to indent your paragraphs. You need to make sure you put a space in between sentences like I stated before. Remember to capitalize words that should be capitalized. "imperial" is one of those words. Using parentheses in a story like this isn't too advisable.

Spelling; currupted should be corrupted, wich should be which, fonded should be founded and so on and so on. Use spell check.

 Proper usage of commas, you don't put a comma right after the word 'and'. Case in point "All they could think of was stop fighting for what was not theirs,and follow their own path in wich they thought among themselves,and only protected the ones they now called...The Reckoned."

What's more about this sentence is that the reader doesn't know what the hells going on. You switched I think from a narrative to the first or third person in the "stop fighting for what was not theirs" for a brief quarter sentence before reverting back. 

A. The story itself

I'm guessing this is the intro to whatever work you're creating right? This is where you could introduce your main character or the beginning of a  plot or something. You gave background and you know what hey that's a good thing but the negative really outweighs the positive.

Some things that I wondered about: So the founder of the chapter dies right? Well why the hell doesn't the chapter just elect a new one? Generally speaking that's what all the other chapters do. How does the founder die? What was his name? Why didn't he have a successor? These questions can of course be answered later on in the story but you need to at least set the stage for some of these things.

There's more trust me there is but these are the absolute basics that you have to master to be a good writer. It takes a little time but the results are completely worth the effort trust me. I've been writing for two months and eleven days and before that I'd never put a pen to paper other than to slap my John Hancock on a check. I'll be the first to admit I suck at writing so if I can pull something out of my ass and make it sound good then you sure as hell can too.
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Offline Chosen40k

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Re: "Founding of The Reckoned"
« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2007, 11:20:00 PM »
All they could think of was stop fighting for what was not theirs,and follow their own path in wich they thought among themselves,and only protected the ones they now called...The Reckoned.

So...they're renegade? As in they don't follow what the Imperium wants?
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Offline Mr.Squid

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Re: "Founding of The Reckoned"
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2007, 11:43:00 PM »
Words

wow, I know he's, well, lacking, but you don't have to freak out. Though your points are valid, he didn't do anything to deserve them being flung at him so aggressively. Calm down

As to the story. It is weak, and incurate, but with so little, there isn't much to comment on. Your writing style isn't terrible, so i  suppose I'll be watching this.

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Offline bluewpc

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Re: "Founding of The Reckoned"
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2007, 12:01:57 AM »
You're right my bad.
War. War is your trade is it not?

And it ain't yours?

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