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Author Topic: "Red." ( Boring lectures make for great fiction-writing sections. )  (Read 932 times)

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Offline Jorgen2720

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Well, I attended a really really boring lecture about chinese history today, and, in a desperate effort to keep myself awake, I wrote this in 40 minutes...

"Red."
______________



 It had begun to rain just after the ninth hour.

I was in a foul, foul mood. I hate the rain. Soaks through your clothes, into your skin, makes you feel twice as heavy as you should.

A drop of rain hit me square on the nose. I grunted, pulled the sodden mess of cloth that had once been a cloak tighter around me.

The rain carried on.

I’d pulled the hood of my cloak up as far as it would go. Had to hide my hair. I’m a natural redhead, see, and that would hardly help with the ‘blending in’. Practically everyone native to Umbria had black hair. I didn’t want to dye it, though. The ladies have a thing for the red hair.

I peered out at the building across the street, reached up and tapped the comm-bead hidden under my hood.

“Two stories, windows barricaded. Single entrance on ground level, two guards. Target is on the second floor. Standard entry procedure. Wait for my go.”

A chorus of whispered affirmatives answered me.

I staggered across the street, headed straight for the two guards. They peered at me, more curious than suspicious. Their lasguns were still slung over their shoulders, their postures relaxed. I stumbled, fell, all the while singing tunelessly. I came up, swaying unsteadily, and galumphed towards the entrance.

The guard on my right glanced at his fellow sentinel, shrugged, and took a couple of steps towards me.

I giggled as I sprawled at his feet, splashing water all over his pants leg. He backed off a step, then poked me in the ribs with the toe of his boot.

“Hey, man. Take your piss-drunk ass someplace else. This here’s private property.”

My only reply was a soft moan. He bent down, grabbed me none too gently, and tried dragging me to my feet.

He didn’t see the glint of metal in my palm as I slid a small blade through his ribs and into his heart.

His partner noticed something amiss. He reached around and began to bring his rifle to bear.

“What the f-”

Hardly the most memorable of last words. A wet patch of scarlet appeared on the front of his shirt, and he keeled over backwards. I rushed forward and just managed to grab a handful of fabric before the corpse hit the door. Breathing heavily, I gently set the body down on the ground, keyed open the comm-channel.

“Good shot, Sharp.” Sharp was our squad sniper. Short and slight, he often joked that his mother had been a ratling.

“No problem.”

A crunch of boot on gravel as my two squad mates joined me. Malik was our third member. Malik is… well, forgettable. Average height, average build, dark hair cropped short. Pleasant face, but too ordinary to be handsome.

I reached under my cloak and drew my sidearm. A lighter version of the standard-issue guard autopistol, with a larger clip size and a suppressor attached. Umbria was the trading hub of the entire segmentum, which meant that our Arbites and Guard regiments got only the best equipment.

I gestured at Malik, and he attached a dark rectangular object, about the size of my palm, onto the door.

We stacked up on either side of the entrance.

“Weapons free. Blow it on my mark.”

Deep breath.

“Mark.”
___________________ ___________

Going to add to this, but I might revisit this first part first though, might toy with a normal narrative style instead of first person. Description has never been my strong suit, and I'm pretty disappointed by how weak (or just totally non-existent) my descriptions are.

Any tips that can help me with my writing, or any ideas on where I can take the story after this would be good. REVIEW!  ;D

Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: "Red." ( Boring lectures make for great fiction-writing sections. )
« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2008, 12:13:03 PM »
Good read! Hmm...Lol, I'm not the best at giving writing tips, I'm sure one of the experts will cover that. But Ideas however, anything you had in mind? Instead of weapons free, guns blazing, you could be more like solid snake and stealth your way through the complex to whatever your target is. Or you could make an epic raid, eitherway is fine.

Keep trying on those descriptions, you can only get better! That's all for now, good luck on the rest! ;D

Hope that helps!
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Offline Rusk

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Re: "Red." ( Boring lectures make for great fiction-writing sections. )
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2008, 02:47:20 PM »
You've got to have some vague idea of whats happening, as to why these 3 (unless there are more?) guys are attacking some hotel/bar/discriminate building. Are the troops Imperials? Are they loyal Imperials? They can't be fighting something like orks or tyranids at the moment, but later? Not a great deal they can be doing, really. Suspected rebels/cultists, undercover against known rebels/cultists, killing a traitor... maybe if some gave us some more details (not neccesarily in fluff form, just notes) we/I may be able to help.

5 "/" there. Not bad.

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Offline Onanon

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It got me reading and it kept me reading. You've got the idea of a good opening down, but cut
Quote
Had to hide my hair. I’m a natural redhead, see, and that would hardly help with the ‘blending in’. Practically everyone native to Umbria had black hair. I didn’t want to dye it, though. The ladies have a thing for the red hair.
down to the minimum. It breaks the tension. Would the narrator really stop in the middle of a stealth operation to tell the reader this? Keep it clean. Keep it tighter.

Quote
Malik is… well, forgettable. Average height, average build, dark hair cropped short. Pleasant face, but too ordinary to be handsome.
Eh?
Engage us. Never have mediocre characters. This section would also benefit from dropping the 'conversational' tone. It kills your tension.

If you want to write a story, start with a character. Then make a problem for that character. Or vice versa. It gets easier the more you do it.
Hope that helps.
I like what you're doing, but none the less... It's pretty freakin' messed up. Which is cool. Great ideas and concepts, but again, pretty freakin' messed up.
Lol.

Offline Banned Solorg

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I like the descriptions - especially near the opening of the piece.  It does go a long way towards making the reader feel that he is really there.
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Offline Heretek

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You've got to have some vague idea of whats happening, as to why these 3 (unless there are more?) guys are attacking some hotel/bar/discriminate building. Are the troops Imperials? Are they loyal Imperials? They can't be fighting something like orks or tyranids at the moment, but later? Not a great deal they can be doing, really. Suspected rebels/cultists, undercover against known rebels/cultists, killing a traitor... maybe if some gave us some more details (not neccesarily in fluff form, just notes) we/I may be able to help.

5 "/" there. Not bad.

-Rusk

I disagree with that. In medias res is a perfectly acceptable way to tell a story. Indeed, many fan stories I've read suffer from being too descriptive. Trying to tell us everything can get in the way of the story, particularly when you're telling it in the first person. He's unlikely to give an overview of the mission when he's already carrying it out.

Offline Rusk

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No, what I meant was he's got to have some idea of what hes doing, or what's even going on. I said he should tell us this some details - note the "NOT NECESSARILY IN STORY FORM" - as he asked for our help, and how can we help if we don't actually know whats going on? As much as we can gather from this, there are 3 men breaking into a building for some unknown purpose (to us). Is really a lot you can say to help him expand? Not really, no.

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Offline Sir Sam Vimes

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Excellent piece of fiction. Fastpaced and brutal, although it was more of an intro than a complete story.


Quote
Malik is… well, forgettable. Average height, average build, dark hair cropped short. Pleasant face, but too ordinary to be handsome.
Eh?
Engage us. Never have mediocre characters. This section would also benefit from dropping the 'conversational' tone. It kills your tension.

Personally, I wouldn't do that. The character is very good IMO, because one of the best attributes of a guy who works undercover is to be 'forgetable'. There's no point in sending in a dude who can be recognized by his target, it compromisses him and the whole team he's working in.

Just my opinion ;)

Offline Felonix

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I have no problem whatsoever with the descriptions. If this were a battle scene, then I would agree, but the setting of the narrative allows for this kind of deviations; a covert mission at 9 pm in the rain allows for more thought than a raging battlefield at high noon. Also, since this is the first part of the story that is read, those descriptions are critical to establishing characters. We now know that the narrator is more the lady's man than the strict drill sergeant.

However, if this is the 23rd chapter of the piece, then I would agree with the advice of cutting; by then, the reader should know Sharp, Malik, and...whomever the narrator is.

Concerning the lack of definition: I feel it is fine. Considering the context in which this was written, I find it perfectly acceptable to withhold detailed information from the reader; it makes it more exciting.

My thoughts; not that they are worth anything, else I'd already be rich.  ;)

 


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