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Offline -Makenshi-

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Seis'Houjin - Fantasy Story Of Mine (Non-GW)
« on: March 17, 2007, 01:49:39 PM »
I've decided to at least start trying to write this story, even if much of it is still to be decided (both as far as characters and story go), and it's been a while since I posted in here :p.



Seis'Houjin
Prologue

Bright, calculating, brown eyes stared out across the vast stretch of forest, taking in the scene they knew would great them from atop the great cliff they stood on. For miles around the silent figure the forest swarmed with life and here, in the centre of this great forest, he could feel that same great pulse he felt so so long ago, like a great heart beating in glorious ignorance of all else.

As far as the eye could see green canopies hid the ground from sight while, save for the tip off the cliff that he was standing on, a barran stretch of soil that seemed to be the eye of this storm of life. And it was here that he had journeyed to, not to hear the unwelcome pulse, but to stand before the two mounds still present in the barren eye of the storm.

He stooped to one knee before one of the graves, looking distractedly at the fist-sized stone placed atop its center, with intricate and forbidding hallows carved into it like some grim monument to some diety. He plucked the stone from atop the grave and examined it as if seeking all the secrets it may hold in its scribbles, despite knowing every carving on its surface, having been the one to perform the strange ritual he had been brought up with at the time.

"Did you miss me mother?" he spoke in a mocking and amused tone to the grave before placing the stone back upon it. "What of you father?" he said, glancing at the second mound and its stone.

"No, I do not suppose you would. Afterall, for centuries now I have fought against you and your ideals, even as you lie here cold and dead - with nought but each other for company"

His youthful face was twisted into a sardonic lop-sided smirk of contempt, his arms folded guardidly infront of him and his dark brown hair whipping slightly in the mind - occasionally needed him to swat it out of his face or tuck it behind an ear.

"You must be so proud of me" his voice, now laced with sarcasm, drawled to the twin graves. "So proud of how you raised me, only to have me turn against all that the both of you consider good and sacred" he paused to remove the stetson from his head and hold it against his chest in a parody of sorrow and respect, "So proud indeed"

As if to further add to his mocking of the graves the overhanging grey clouds chose this moment to pour unto the miles of green canopies and stretch of barren earth.

With an annoyed glance to the heavens the ancient young man stood, brushing himself off and placing the hat back upon his head to ward against the droplets of rain. "I guess this years visit is going to be cut short, and such a shame - I had wanted to talk to you some more, but you know how I dislike the rain. It is so...depressing, do you not agree mother? Father?"

He chuckled softly to himself before turning his back to the graves at the tip of the cliff, and headed towards the wall of trees standing as vigilant as guards around the infertile burial ground.

Just before dissapearing through the wall, and heading down the cliff under the safety of the forest canopy, he looked back over his shoulder at the graves: "Until next year my beloved parents"

And with that the grim jester walked through the growing darkness under the child's moon poised high in the sky, his bright eyes still alive with myrth at his visit, and the sardonic, lop-sided smirk still plastered on his face.



Any/all suggestions, questions and comments welcome.

~MTWC
« Last Edit: March 17, 2007, 02:16:42 PM by - Makenshi - »
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline Killing Time

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Re: Seis'Houjin - Fantasy Story Of Mine (Non-GW)
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2007, 02:08:46 PM »
It's very moody. Sets a good atmosphere and very characterful.
It's pretty good.

But if I may I'll make a few suggestions.

Bright, calculating, hazel eyes stared out across the vast stretch of forest, taking in the scene they knew would great them from atop the great cliff they stood on. For miles around the silent, staring figure the forest swarmed with life and here, in the centre of this great forest, he could feel that same great pulse he felt so so long ago, like a great heart beating in glorious ignorance of all else.
I like this opening paragraph, but I think you're overdoing it with the adjectives.
Especially; bright, calculating, hazel eyes, and silent, staring figure.
I'd drop hazel, and I'd drop staring.
Hazel seems just overkill and doesn't contribute to the character development. You're trying to get his mood not his physical appearence.
Staring is already implied by the focus on his eyes in the opening line.
I think these simple cuts would streamline the paragraph and lead more slickly into the rest of the peice.

Quote
"No, I do not suppose you would, afterall, for centuries now I have fought against you and your ideals, even as you lie here cold and dead, with nought but each other for company"
And this needs to be broken down into two sentences.
"No, I don't suppose you would. Afterall, for centuries......"
Statement and then elaboration. It's smoother I think.

But yeah, generally I like it well.
I'll be interested to read more as it comes out.

Dizzy

Offline -Makenshi-

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Re: Seis'Houjin - Fantasy Story Of Mine (Non-GW)
« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2007, 02:15:35 PM »
It's very moody. Sets a good atmosphere and very characterful.
It's pretty good.

Thanks :).

But if I may I'll make a few suggestions.

Bright, calculating, hazel eyes stared out across the vast stretch of forest, taking in the scene they knew would great them from atop the great cliff they stood on. For miles around the silent, staring figure the forest swarmed with life and here, in the centre of this great forest, he could feel that same great pulse he felt so so long ago, like a great heart beating in glorious ignorance of all else.
I like this opening paragraph, but I think you're overdoing it with the adjectives.
Especially; bright, calculating, hazel eyes, and silent, staring figure.
I'd drop hazel, and I'd drop staring.
Hazel seems just overkill and doesn't contribute to the character development. You're trying to get his mood not his physical appearence.
Staring is already implied by the focus on his eyes in the opening line.
I think these simple cuts would streamline the paragraph and lead more slickly into the rest of the peice.

Hmmm, I can see where you are coming from, however I would prefer to keep some indication of his eye colour, perhaps going for a more neutral 'brown'?

I see your point about staring, I'll just edit that out now.

Quote
"No, I do not suppose you would, afterall, for centuries now I have fought against you and your ideals, even as you lie here cold and dead, with nought but each other for company"
And this needs to be broken down into two sentences.
"No, I don't suppose you would. Afterall, for centuries......"
Statement and then elaboration. It's smoother I think.

Heh, what can I say, I come from a long line of full stop haters :P.

Anyway, I agree, I'll go edit it now.

But yeah, generally I like it well.
I'll be interested to read more as it comes out.

Dizzy

You may have to wait a while then as I'm afraid I'm going back to Uni soon (where I don't have lesiure internet access), however hopefully, with my computer finally being fixed, I'll be able to post one or two more bits to the story next time I come home.

Thanks for your suggestions :).

~MTWC
« Last Edit: March 17, 2007, 02:17:32 PM by - Makenshi - »
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline -Makenshi-

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Re: Seis'Houjin - Fantasy Story Of Mine (Non-GW)
« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2007, 01:18:32 PM »
Heh, seems I managed to crack out something before I left for Uni, yay me :P.

Anyway, before you read this I feel the need to explain that the thirst three 'chapters' I'm going to do are sort of introductaries and will likely eventually be compiled into a single chapter for simplicities sake and because they'll likely be rather short.

Each Chapter takes on the viewpoint of the character they are 'introducing' (not in the 1st person, but for the first one in particular the narration is slightly different to what it would usually be, what with the 'brain' it is focussed on).

Anyway, I'm particularily interested on opinions and suggestions (critical or otherwise) of the above idea, the style of narration in this piece and the last paragraph, although that doesn't mean you shouldn't comment on something else if you notice something or think of something :).



Seis’Houjin
Chapter One: Vain Hope of Gain

Cajien studied the piece of parchment he held in his left hand for the second time, his booted feet crossed atop the tavern table and his right hand caught in the motion of bringing a mug of ale to his lips as he alternated between looking neutral and confused, probably due to the two mugs of ale he had drank previously (he had always been somewhat susceptible to alcohol).

A bystander would likely think he had received shocking news, not that many of the thugs occupying the seedy tavern would likely be ‘bystanders’ in anything that is, and they would be half right. He was pleasantly shocked and, truth be told, now rather looking forward to meeting his ‘partners in crime’ as he had already dubbed them (ignoring the fact they were attempting to join the illustrious ranks of the Sei, who were sworn to uphold the laws of all the lands of Aheka). This was due, in no small part, to the fact that he would not have to go half way around the world as he had dreaded, since the Sei guide had scheduled their meeting in the Halvan capital where he was already quite conveniently located, it being his piss poor excuse for a home town, or city rather.

He finally brought the mug to his lips, managing to chuck back at least half its contents in almost a single gulp. He paused slightly to admire and pay a compliment to the barmaid who happened to walk by and proceeded to neatly refold the parchment and place it within one of the many hidden pockets of his long coat. When returning from the confines of his pockets his hand palmed a small copper coin and then had it dance around his knuckles and fingers with the practised ease that came with nearly twenty one years as a ‘lovable rogue’.

After seemingly being in deep thought for several minutes, only breaking out of his reverie for the occasional sip of ale, he swiftly plopped his feet back onto the floor and stood up, critically surveying the crowd in the tavern for anyone who knew him. He ran his hand through his close cropped hair, while beneath those pale blond locks the corners of his mouth twitched into a familiar expression. A half grin that his associates had come to know and fear (mainly for both his and their own safety) as 'time for work'.

Since he did not have to worry about travelling to some obscure location to start this whole Seis’Houjin tournament business, he had decided, after a few moments of intense thinking on his part, to get to work before he had to be, or at least act like, a paragon of lawfulness.

First he needed another mug of ale though, there was no way he was going to leave after having drunk three mugs: he had sworn when he was a child that the number three had some sort of vendetta against him ever since that incident with the neighbour’s daughter…



~MTWC
« Last Edit: March 18, 2007, 04:55:56 PM by - Makenshi - »
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

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Re: Seis'Houjin - Fantasy Story Of Mine (Non-GW)
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2007, 02:57:12 PM »
I find each chapter seems considerably short though your writing style is far better than the old days of some of your earlier stuff. I find that you don't give the reader enough for each chapter thus not giving the reader a proper chance to get into the feel of the story and understand the atmosphere of the scenes without the full detail that you could give.

Its still a good story I just think you need to add alot more to each chapter giving a more detailed account of whats happening and where the charactors are heading within the plot and whole structure.








~Raven.

Offline Killing Time

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Re: Seis'Houjin - Fantasy Story Of Mine (Non-GW)
« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2007, 03:09:45 PM »
I like your writing, Mak. I think it displays a nice sense of humour and a good eye for detail.
I think I see where you're going with both of these peices: Character development of a central figure combined with important plot details. It's a neat way to do it. Slide in a few details here and there and let both character and plot unfold rather than hitting the reader with a full CV from the off.

Right. Sunshine up arse blowing aside, time for the crit. :)
I'm going to be tough cos I think you can take it as its meant.

1. You're doing yourself an injustice with your bad punctuation. If you want to do this for a living then you're going to have get over your full stop aversion.
Some of your sentences are seriously overlong and I find myself gasping for breath just reading them.

Quote
After pausing slightly to admire the barmaid who happened to walk by he proceeded to neatly refold the parchment and place it within one of the many hidden pockets of his long coat while pulling out a small copper coin and making it dance around his knuckles and fingers with the practised ease that came with nearly twenty one years as a ‘lovable rogue’.
Ouch. You've got two actions here....folding parchment and coin trick (three if you count the barmaid). I know they're happening simultaneously, but for the sake of the narative they need to be split.
You've got the oportunity to expand the scene if you turn this into three sentences. You develop his character with the barmaid and the coin trick, and you develop the plot with the parchment. Do it some justice instead of rushing through it.

2. In a similar vein, I think you overdo the adjectives. I think you'd be better off taking your time and getting in more description over a longer pargraph than trying to get hair colour, style, cut and manarisms into one sentence.
Quote
he ran his hand through his cropped pale blond hair and allowed his face to fall into what anyone who knew him recognised as his ‘time for work’ half grin.
He ran his hand through his close cropped hair, while beneath those pale blond locks the corners of his mouth twitched into a familiar expression. A half smile that his associates had come to know and fear as 'time for work'.
My attempt is pretty clumsy...but you get the idea. Spread the load rather than go for these single heavy sentences.

3. Final paragraph. If you're refering to the incident with the neighbours daughter then I think you might need to be a little more explicit if you don't want your character to be thought of as a paedophile. If you do want to imply this then you've hit the nail on the head. Nice. :)

Dizzy

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Re: Seis'Houjin - Fantasy Story Of Mine (Non-GW)
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2007, 03:28:32 PM »
I find each chapter seems considerably short though your writing style is far better than the old days of some of your earlier stuff. I find that you don't give the reader enough for each chapter thus not giving the reader a proper chance to get into the feel of the story and understand the atmosphere of the scenes without the full detail that you could give.

Its still a good story I just think you need to add alot more to each chapter giving a more detailed account of whats happening and where the charactors are heading within the plot and whole structure.

I wholeheartedly agree with you, they are too short, however these are 'first drafts' and the way I tend to work is by starting with a 'skeleton' (these) and then adding to them, partially depending on reactions.

Are there any areas in particular you think need more attention? I've already been called on not getting 'into the heads' of the characters, which I plan to work on while at Uni, so if you have any specific areas you think I should work on I'd like to hear them :).

I like your writing, Mak. I think it displays a nice sense of humour and a good eye for detail.
I think I see where you're going with both of these peices: Character development of a central figure combined with important plot details. It's a neat way to do it. Slide in a few details here and there and let both character and plot unfold rather than hitting the reader with a full CV from the off.

Yeah, I've read quite a bit on feeding information as well as reading some books that did it very well (in the same gradual style I am trying to emulate as well).

Right. Sunshine up arse blowing aside, time for the crit. :)
I'm going to be tough cos I think you can take it as its meant.

Of course :P.

1. You're doing yourself an injustice with your bad punctuation. If you want to do this for a living then you're going to have get over your full stop aversion.
Some of your sentences are seriously overlong and I find myself gasping for breath just reading them.

Quote
After pausing slightly to admire the barmaid who happened to walk by he proceeded to neatly refold the parchment and place it within one of the many hidden pockets of his long coat while pulling out a small copper coin and making it dance around his knuckles and fingers with the practised ease that came with nearly twenty one years as a ‘lovable rogue’.
Ouch. You've got two actions here....folding parchment and coin trick (three if you count the barmaid). I know they're happening simultaneously, but for the sake of the narative they need to be split.

You've got the oportunity to expand the scene if you turn this into three sentences. You develop his character with the barmaid and the coin trick, and you develop the plot with the parchment. Do it some justice instead of rushing through it.

Mmm, this is a continuing and annoying problem of mine, and that particular section must have been re-written at least 8 times before I decided to stick with the current one for better or worse...

2. In a similar vein, I think you overdo the adjectives. I think you'd be better off taking your time and getting in more description over a longer pargraph than trying to get hair colour, style, cut and manarisms into one sentence.
Quote
he ran his hand through his cropped pale blond hair and allowed his face to fall into what anyone who knew him recognised as his ‘time for work’ half grin.
He ran his hand through his close cropped hair, while beneath those pale blond locks the corners of his mouth twitched into a familiar expression. A half smile that his associates had come to know and fear as 'time for work'.
My attempt is pretty clumsy...but you get the idea. Spread the load rather than go for these single heavy sentences.

Hmmm...I hadn't thought of that before, and I rather like your example actually...I'll definately keep an eye out for this in the future and try to 'stretch it out' more.

3. Final paragraph. If you're refering to the incident with the neighbours daughter then I think you might need to be a little more explicit if you don't want your character to be thought of as a paedophile. If you do want to imply this then you've hit the nail on the head. Nice. :)

I wasn't aware kids could be paedophiles:
Quote
he had sworn ever since he was a child that the number three had some sort of vendetta against him ever since that incident with the neighbour’s daughter…

Granted, I've just noticed the stupid re-use of 'ever since' which likely made the sentance confusing ¬¬.

For the record, the 'incident' stems from his childhood 'incident with the neighbour's daughter' which is meant to be ambiguous (not quite that much though), and is just a silly little childhood thing he never really grew out of.

Thanks for all your comments :).

~MTWC
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline -Makenshi-

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Re: Seis'Houjin - Fantasy Story Of Mine (Non-GW)
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2007, 07:39:03 AM »
Redone both the prologue and Chapter One (when I should have been doing other things >.> <.<).

Anyway, I'm just sneaking this post in before I get cracking with my Tall Tales and Short Stories assignment, but I should be back this weekend.



Seis'Houjin

Prologue

Bright eyes stared out across the vast stretch of forest, taking in the scene he knew would greet him from atop the great cliff he stood on. For miles around him the forest swarmed with life and here, in the centre of this great forest, Jester could feel that same great pulse he felt so long ago, like a great heart: beating in glorious ignorance of all else.

As far as the eye could see green canopies hid the ground from sight save for the tip of the cliff that he was standing on, a barren stretch of soil that seemed to be the eye of this storm of life. And it was here that he had journeyed to, not to hear the unwelcome pulse, but to stand before the two mounds still present in the barren eye of the storm.

He stooped to one knee before one of the graves, looking distractedly at the fist-sized stone placed atop its center, with intricate and forbidding hallows carved into it like a grim testament to some deity. He plucked the stone from atop the grave and examined it as if seeking all the secrets it may hold in its scribbles, despite knowing every carving on its surface, having been the one to perform the strange ritual he had been brought up with.

"Did you miss me mother?" he spoke in a mocking and amused tone to the grave before placing the stone back upon it. "What of you father?" he said, glancing at the second mound and its stone.

"No, I do not suppose you would, but I am here nonetheless, just like last year, the year before that, the year before that and…well, you get the idea"

His youthful face twisted into a lop-sided smirk, his arms folded guardedly in front of him and his dark brown hair whipped slightly in the wind - occasionally needing him to swat it out of his face or tuck it behind an ear.

"I sometimes wonder how different things would have been had I not killed you all those…" his voice trailed off as he seemingly lost himself in thought “Yes, I guess it has been centuries now has it not?”

Jester opened his mouth as if to continue this train of thought but again his mind seemed to wander and he lost himself once more, his face displaying nothing but neutrality.

Like a grim statue he stayed stooped before the graves for several minutes until the heavens opened up. He glanced to the clouds to vent his frustration upon them but instead found his eyes drawn to the eerily and abnormally large moon that could be seen through various gaps in the cloud.

It was then he remembered that today was the beginning of the Demon’s Moon’s midnight reign. “It seems duty calls mother, we will have to continue this chat next year, when you will not have to compete with the Demon’s Moon for my attention”

He stood up, turned back towards the trees that seemed to stand guard around this place and silently slipped underneath the green canopies which seemed to engulf him. With the midnight reign of the Demon’s Moon beginning it was likewise time for his reign to begin. The chaos it brought made it easier for him to hunt down his enemies, enemies who will soon rue the day they crossed the Jester of the Demon’s Moon.



Seis’Houjin

Chapter One: Vain Hope of Gain

Cajien studied the piece of parchment he held in his left hand for the second time, his feet crossed atop the worn tavern table and his right hand caught in the motion of bringing a mug of ale to his lips. He alternated between looking neutral and looking thoughtful as his eyes carefully checked all of what the letter said.

He was pleasantly shocked and, truth be told, now rather looking forward to starting this whole Seis’Houjin tournament, even if all he got out of it was a few laughs, riches or just simple life experience. His pleased state was due, in no small part, to the fact that he would not have to go half way around the world as he had dreaded, since the Sei guide had scheduled their meeting in the Halvan capital where he was already quite conveniently located, it being his piss poor excuse for a home town, or city rather.

He finally brought the mug to his lips, managing to chuck back at least half its contents in almost a single gulp, coughing a bit afterwards and silently thankful he was drinking alone.

“Careful there Mr. Vash, wouldn’t want you choking on our ale, it’s bad for business”

Cajien glanced at the grinning face of one of the waitresses of the tavern, a young woman with long dark hair, who’s name was something along the lines of Lea, although he did not want to risk being wrong so opted for a safer choice of words.

“I’m not some sumptuous old codger” he drawled, lounging back in his seat “The name’s Cajien. Besides, I and the family don’t exactly see eye ta eye: I stay outta their business, they stay outta mine” He took a swig from his mug, partly because he was thirsty but also to try and regain his composure – nearly choking on ale is not very high on his ‘how to impress women’ list.

She rolled her eyes and smiled at him. “For a guy who cannae say ‘to’ properly you dannae seem to have any problem with big words Cajien

He gave her what he hoped was a charming lop-sided grin. “Well, what can I say? Me mother wanted her son ta have a silver tongue rather than a silver sword like me dad wanted me ta have”

She smiled at him. “Tell me Caj-”

“Oi! Waitress! Where’s our order lass?”

She glanced over to the table occupied by a large group of middle-aged men soon back from their day’s work and gave Cajien an apologetic smile before turning back towards the bar. “Ah finish at ten if you want to finish our wee chat Cajien”

“I’ll be waitin’ here m’dear”

He paused slightly to admire her retreating form and proceeded to neatly refold the parchment and place it within one of the many hidden pockets of his long coat. He then took out a small copper coin and made it dance around his fingers in the same fashion he had been doing since he saw that street illusionist when he was six.

After seemingly being in deep thought for several minutes, only breaking out of his reverie for the occasional sip of ale, he swiftly plopped his feet back onto the floor and stood up, critically surveying the crowd in the tavern for anyone who knew him. He ran his hand through his close cropped blond hair and broke into the grin that made those who knew him double-check that they had secured or hidden their money and valuables.

Since he did not have to worry about traveling to some obscure location he had decided, amongst other things, to get to work before he had to be, or at least act like, a paragon of lawfulness.

But first he needed another mug of ale, there was no way he was going to leave after having drunk three mugs - he had sworn that the number three had some sort of vendetta against him ever since that he was a child and had that incident with the neighbor’s daughter…which was not his fault of course.



~MTWC
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

 


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