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Author Topic: Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you think!!  (Read 2861 times)

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Kethledar

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Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you think!!
« on: January 17, 2002, 12:53:14 PM »
This is an exerpt from my craftworlds history...

History is the considered the most important subject taught by the scholars at the academies of the Eldar.  We strongly believe that if one can know and understand what has happened in the past, he can better be able to prevent some of the horrific events that have taken place from happening again.  The most common example is the teaching of the Fall.  Our seers hope that we can learn from that mistake and bring the Eldar name to power once again.

Our Craftworld, now known as Karan-Breaga, began its life (Craftworlds are considered living by our race) as a scout team meant to travel into the deep expanses of the Warp in search of other, unknown galaxies and, hopefully, dimensions.  For centuries, it did just that.  Because of the research and reconnaissance of Karan-Breaga, we as a whole were able to expand our empire to several more galaxies and we even came close to cracking the secret of black holes.  Sadly, all this was for naught.  The Fall had to happen; many of us were beginning to give in to the ecstatic emotion that is capable of our minds.  We slipped into darkened madness.

     The exact time the Lost Seer came to Karan-Breaga is unknown by all save Ilrondel, who is the High Farseer of our Craftworld.  But it is widely known that sometime during the first few months of the Fall, she stumbled through one of our still open warp gates.  She was thought to be a seer who was attempting to escape the Fall by traveling the skeins of the warp to another planet away from the Eye.  Her skin was a light ebony color.  This was intriguing and odd, but we accepted that maybe she was descended from a different planet.  Ilrondel tried to read her thoughts, but she had a very powerful psychic ward over her mind that even he could not pierce.  Thus he had to assume that what she said was truth.  He did find that her name was Braeylin and eventually, she became a welcome member of our society.

     Once again, members of our race put too much trust in our might and it brought only grief, sorrow, and destruction.  We still respect Ilrondel and most of us on this Craftworld owe him our lives, yet because of his mistake, we fell victim to the Betrayal.  During the long time of Braeylin’s residence on Karan-Breaga, she was respected and in some cases feared, for she was a very powerful psyker.  She soon became the consort of Ilrondel and soon thereafter, she bore him his first child.
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by 1011506400 »

Offline Jiaurtel

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Re: Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you thi
« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2002, 02:02:00 PM »
New fresh concept. Nice tough with the tone of writing. Could use some proud and honourable bragging about the structure of the Craftworld. Some more charaters and try to tie in some of your Army list into it and it woud be great!
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by 1011506400 »

Kethledar

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Re: Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you thi
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2002, 01:22:49 PM »
Thanxc for the critique.  I'll definitely use your advice.  Hopefully I'll have time to finish writing the rest of it soon.  Then I can post the entire thing.  ;)
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 07:00:00 PM by 1011506400 »

Offline Morsla

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Re:Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you think!!
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2002, 11:30:42 PM »
I agree with jiaurtel's comments - the tone is a nice touch.

The 3rd and 4th paragraphs seem to be missing something immediately before them - something about the lost seer's arrival (before speaking about when it occurred, say how it occurred), and the Betrayal. I assume that the lost seer caused the Betrayal - but you end by speaking of its consequences and cause, without mentioning what it is. If you're still writing more, add in some mention of the Betrayal here, to introduce it for greater mention later on.

Nice story, though - I look forward to seeing more :)
In the Grim Darkness of the Forty First Millenium,
there will always be more painting to do...

Offline Pyro_00001

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Re:Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you think!!
« Reply #4 on: January 21, 2002, 03:28:39 PM »
there was only one thing that stood out to me. About the black holes? The wepway would have to something different than a black hole. The bh is where a star has such great gravitaional pull that light dosn't escape from it. Its not really a hole is all. Its a bit of a pet peeve of mine is all.

Kethledar

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Re:Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you think!!
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2002, 05:10:25 PM »
I'm not saying that black holes have anything to do with the warp.  I merely am stating that Karan-Breaga was a stellar research craftworld.  Being that, they would naturally have tried to find out if black holes are anything more than collapsed stars and whether or not they lead anywhere.  I apoligize for any misunderstanding i may have caused.

Offline Pyro_00001

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Re:Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you think!!
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2002, 04:55:56 AM »
Ah, in that case my apologys.

Offline Elshamir

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Re:Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you think!!
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2002, 11:20:07 PM »
that was a really good story, please finish it, i would like to hear the rest

Kethledar

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Re:Karan-Breaga craftworld...tell me what you think!!
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2002, 07:23:01 PM »
thank you all for your input.  When i have time, i will finish my story/history and post it. ;)

 


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