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Author Topic: Joke Thread!  (Read 55624 times)

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Offline Yarrik

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #180 on: April 5, 2010, 12:29:39 AM »
This is pretty bad, veiwer discretion is advised.

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Offline Nomsheep, the Modhunter.

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #181 on: September 19, 2010, 04:08:17 PM »
First of all, - just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's beslubbered up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so beslubbering beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy amphetamine parrot went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to beslubber her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.

Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was beslubbered up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever beslubbering seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.




**********************


My job is so beslubbering unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the beslubbering stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big beslubbering dog to work. Every beslubbering day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single beslubbering day.

Anyway, I drive these beslubbertards around in my van and we solve mysteries and amphetamine parrot.



Someday someone will say something about me witty or memorable enough to put here til then enjoy this;
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Offline Rakuall

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #182 on: November 24, 2010, 06:48:08 PM »
What's the difference between a Yankee and a Quickie?
(You need two for a quickie.)

What do you have if you're holding two little green balls?
(Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.)

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
(The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.)
"I don't believe in no win scenarios." -Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise - NCC 1701
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Offline Saracenar

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #183 on: December 16, 2010, 08:16:11 AM »
@The clinically insane one: That first joke of yours, I was like "is this supposed to be here, in the joke thread? I mean what the hell? That's sounding pretty bad. Oh, man. And then I read the last sentence. So good. Congrats on that one. You got me, lol.

Anyway, in order to prevent this being marked spam:

There are 10 types of people in the world...those who understand binary and those who don't.

Offline Seraph Tenacious

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #184 on: February 17, 2011, 02:42:43 AM »
A priest, a rabbi and a witch doctor walk into a bar. They're good friends despite their different beliefs.

Offline CheesyRobMan

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #185 on: February 17, 2011, 04:41:21 AM »
Two hunters are in the woods, and one of them collapses - he's unconscious and not breathing. His mate phones 999 and gasps "My friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator replies "Calm down, sir, let's make sure he is actually dead first." There is silence, then a shot, then the guy comes back on the phone and says "OK, what next?"
"Where's the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!" - Marvin the Martian

Offline Guildmage Arcas

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #186 on: February 25, 2011, 12:14:43 PM »
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Offline Commissar ShoutY

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #187 on: February 25, 2011, 01:31:35 PM »
Q)what do you say to a scouser in a suit?
a)will the defendant please rise.

women. their only good for two things before sex. after it they can do anything!

what do you call a guardsman with accuracy? loaded dice.
Member of the prestigious 40konline commissariate, and we're here...

wonderful, amazing! i'm in awe of your uselessness

Offline skoops6

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #188 on: October 6, 2011, 05:57:38 AM »
Attention, If you do not like swearing, stop reading now, I don't want to offend anyone. anyways...

so there's this man who has a speech impediment, and he needed to go shopping
so first of all he goes into the baker and says " could I please have a bum?'
the baker replies, "I'm sorry sir?"
the man then says " you know, a bum"
"oh, you mean a bun! here you go sir"
so the man goes on his way, and heads into the hardware store
he says to the clerk "could I please get a beslubberet?"
"i'm sorry sir, I don't really know what you mean" says the clerk
the man says "a beslubberet, like the thing you put water in, you know?"
"oh a bucket" said the clerk "here you go"
so the man keeps going till he gets to the pet store
he goes in and says to the breeder "I would like to buy your finest cockenspankit"
"sir, I dont think I grasp your meaning" says the breeder
"the dog breed, cockenspankit?"
" Oh, of course, a cockerspanial. here you go sir"
so the mans walking along with his shopping, when his dog runs off
so the man turns to a nearby police officer and says
"can you hold my bum and beslubberit while I go catch my cockenspankit?"
You mean a gaming and miniatures company has devised a way to encourage you to buy more of their product? The FIENDS!

Offline Nomsheep, the Modhunter.

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #189 on: November 1, 2011, 06:16:01 AM »
WARNING: worst joke ever (With the exception of the black and white marine ordeal)

Q. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

A. Where you left him!

I did warn you.
Someday someone will say something about me witty or memorable enough to put here til then enjoy this;
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Offline blinky jungle(REM)

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #190 on: August 12, 2012, 06:12:37 PM »
Rules for survival in life

1) Never call your armed girlfriend/wife freemartin (especially if that is a retort for something they did in bed)
2) Never stand next to someone who is calling their armed girlfriend/wife freemartin
3) ...or their relatives
4) If you've managed rules 1-3 then you've thought of enough situations that you can wing the rest

If you've failed rules 1-3, or plan to in the near future, then make sure that you communicate with them over long distances such as texting, emailing or shouting very loudly; in that case use rule five:

5) The your partner is armed and you just called her freemartin; fake ID and an escape plan are necessary tools for survival.



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REM is amazing(Listen to it)
Subliminal messaging is amazing(Read it)

Offline Fire at Will

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #191 on: August 12, 2012, 06:45:15 PM »
BEFORE YOU READ ON: Please do not be offended by this joke, it is meant merely in jest.

The worlds first reverse exorcism was recently completed in Ireland. The mother had to put the devil into her son, to get the priest out.



On this side is a museum, and if you think that'll bore you to death, there's a cemetery on the other side.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2012, 06:49:49 PM by Fire at Will »

Offline Nomsheep, the Modhunter.

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #192 on: August 18, 2012, 01:31:31 PM »
definitely not nsfw.

It takes a brave man to swim in the red seas, It takes a legend to drink from them.

Nom
Someday someone will say something about me witty or memorable enough to put here til then enjoy this;
Rule 66: the cake is a lie

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Offline The Unseenly Invincible

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40K list 'o jokes
« Reply #193 on: April 10, 2013, 04:48:37 AM »
As this forums... heh heh... unofficial and unclaimed joker... (apologies. Puns were never a strong spot of mine), I'd like to see if people have any of these 40K jokes. Moderators, please spank if I'm going too far.

Jo Mamma list.

1. Jo mamma so fat, it took a whole Forge World to build her ass.

2. Jo mamma so old, she signed the Emperor's yearbook.

3. Jo mamma so fat, she thought Heavy Support meant she'd get more benefits.


Soviet Russia (ala, one that I made up myself).

In Soviet Russia, Guardsman kills you.


And guess were this got ripped off from...

Daemons can posses people, but Sly Marbo posses' daemons.


That's all I can think of... for now.
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Offline Mr.Peanut (Turtleproof)

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #194 on: September 21, 2013, 09:59:13 AM »
The day after I saw the image below, a German friend of mine asked me:

Q: What is the price of ear piercing for a pirate?

A: A buccaneer.

You are
What you do
When it counts
     -The Masao
"Getting what you want can be dangerous.

Offline Calamity

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #195 on: March 6, 2015, 07:05:15 PM »
A man got hit in the head with a soda can, but he's alright because it was only a soft drink.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?  It's okay.  He woke up.

Instead of calling the toilet 'the John', I call it 'the Jim'.  That way it sounds better when I tell people that the first thing I do in the morning is go to the Jim for 20 minutes.


Offline faitherun (Fay-ith-er-run)

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #196 on: March 7, 2015, 03:43:52 AM »
A very rich man was on his death bed, and he wanted to disprove the notion that "you can't take it with you when you die".  So he called together his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

"Gentlemen," he said to them, "I am giving each of you a brief case with $50 million in it. When I die, I want you to drop the case on my casket as they bury me."

The three men soberly agreed to do just this.

A few weeks later, the man died, and as requested all dropped  their brief cases onto the casket before it was buried.  Afterwards, they gathered together for some drinks.

"I have a confession to make, "the priest says after a little while. " we had a parishioner's house burn down, they lost everything... I may have removed two million and given it to them to help them recover. I know it's not what was asked of us, but I couldn't help seeing their need "

The doctor cleared his voice and spoke up then, " Yes, we'll um.. See the hospital needed funds to finish the new wing, and we were $10 million short, so I may have, um, procured some from the brief case as well. I know it's wrong but the lives we can now save... Well I'm sure he'd understand."

The lawyer stood up, and took a long look at his two companions. "I am ashamed of you both. I threw in a personal check for the full amount"
« Last Edit: March 7, 2015, 03:45:40 AM by faitherun (Fay-ith-er-run) »
So, what your saying is it's not your fault you look stupid by using words you don't get?
Flawless logic.

Offline Sir_Godspeed

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #197 on: March 18, 2015, 05:25:00 PM »
This is from Facebook:

Friend: "The theology majors are all out on campus looking for a female student to become their wife, and their church's unpaid second pastor, or their unpaid mission assistant."

Me: "There's a joke in here about the missionary position, but I can't wrap my legs around it."

Offline volatilegaz

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #198 on: March 19, 2015, 04:55:42 AM »
Q. Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A. Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

and Rick Astley's first single:

while (1){ }
you.GiveUp();
you.LetDown();
around.Run() && you.Desert();
you.MakeCry();
goodbye.Say();
lie.Tell() && you.Hurt();
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Offline JamesGoblin

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #199 on: February 18, 2016, 08:32:22 AM »
Policeman to car-driving blonde: "Does your signal light work?"

Blonde (stretches through the window): "It does...it does not...does...does not...".

 


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