An Ork, Space Marine and Eldar are walking down the road. They see a Chaos portal that has a sign on it. It says: 'say what is true or be sucked in'. The Space Marine says: "I think I'm the bravest" and walks past safely, the Eldar says: "I think I'm the most agile" and walks past safely. The Ork says: "Me thinks..." and gets sucked into the portal.
Tales from the Imperial Guard
Recruit: Seargeant, My grenade didn't work!
Seargeant: You forgot to pull out the pin.
Trooper: Lieutenent, I found this pin, but there's no
grenade attached
Lieutenent: I-
[Tank behind him explodes]
Uses for an Imperial Guardsman's Bayonet
•A dandy can opener
•cutting your vegetables
•mugging the guys in the camp next to you
•prop swords
•pantsing your commander
•looking like a thug
•fighting grots (still may not work)
•a reflective surface for signalling
•shaving (use whipped cream from rations with it)
•quick and easy haircuts
•a belt buckle
•commiting suicide (might work if you try hard enough)
•gardening
That one's from a completely different world (WHFB), but still funny:
A lesson in Khazalid (The Launguage of the Dwarfs)
Today we shall learn about Important Dwarfish Phrases:
Krut : A discomferting diseise contacted from mountain goats
Donglitz : The parts of a dwarf that are impposible to scratch
Boga : A candle which goes out unexpetedly, plunging a tunnel into darkness
Wazzok A dwarf who has exchanged gold for something of little value or no worth. A foolish or gullible dwarf.
Chuf A piece of cheese a miner keeps under his hat in case of emergancies.
Now you have learnt well the dwarven tongue. You too can commucate with the greatest race in the old world!
A lot of people say the lasgun is the worst piece of equipment in the universe. This is not so. Check out this "true" account.
One battle Jim the guardsman's unit is wiped out except him. Jim suffers an attack of common sense (or a failed leadership check; the details are fuzzy) and bolts for the nearest cover. Unfortunately he barrels headlong into a Chaos space marine holding a plasma pistol.
"Wait don't kill me yet", says Jim: "let me show you a trick." The Chaos space marine agrees and Jim promptly pulls out a cigar. He puts it into his mouth and uses his lasgun to light it.
"Pah! That's nothing. I can do that!" - says the Chaos space marine. So Jim hands him a cigar. The marine puts it into his mouth and then puts his plasma pistol to the cigar. He pulls the trigger and promptly blows his head off. Jim swaggers off back to base to have a well deserved cheeseburger.
This is just one example of a lasguns awesome and devastating power.
Best Uses for 40k Races:
Eldar - Road Cones.
Tau - That robot butler you always wanted in your room.
Imperial Guard - Not useful at all.
Space Marine - Personel Protection (just say you are the emperor's cousin).
Chaos Space Marine -That bully you never liked. I think you know where I am going.
Sisters of Battle - Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Dark Eldar - All those goth people that like pain.
Orks - Maybe grots will do anything for a cookie.
Necrons - I really can't think of anything unless you have a large terminator collection.
Tyranids - Turn this bug loose in the resturant you don't like.
Demonhunters - That semi-freaky phsycic kid at school most likely named Dean.
All the armies and races in Warhammer 40k can be summed up similar to that of a playground.
The Space Marines: The eight foot tall grade 6 bullies who found some shotguns and some Steroids. They resent drugs in every way… But sometimes are pressured into doing them.
The Imperial Guard: The Grade one kids with pointy sticks… Usually call on the help of their friends the Grade 6's when someone bugs them…
Sisters of battle: The creepy grade 5 Goth chicks who nobody really cares about although every one of them carries a hand gun.
The Tyranid: The freaky little kinder gardener's who run around biting people
The Eldar: The old bullies who are currently in grade 8 got addicted to drugs and went out of it for a while then went to karate for 3 weeks to become the bully again then got shot by the Grade 1's, 5,s and 6's. They now play in the sandbox.
The Dark Eldar: The grade 8's who never went to karate or got off drugs.
The Orks: The special needs grade 10 who gets beaten up by everyone when he comes along but always comes back for more.
The Tau: The 4 foot tall grade 4 who walked up to the Grade 1's and asked "Do you wanna be friends?" And the Grade ones called their friends over and they all shot the little kids leg off and booted him into the sand box were the kinder gardener's came along and started biting on his other leg before the Drug dealers finally got him.
Chaos: The Grade 6 Drug dealers.
Necron: The Crazy Goth-nerd-jocks who came along and now have bully rivalries with the Grade 6's.
Daemonhunters: The Tattle tail's who work directly under the principal telling him whenever anyone does something wrong... No particular set grade.
The Emporer: The Crazy principal who came to school on a bad day with a hummer who tells all the obediant children what to do.
No joke thread without the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike :p
There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".
On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".
On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."
On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.
On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"
To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."
"OK, pass."
So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.
"Who goes there?" asked the commander.
"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.
"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"
"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"
"Ok."
WOW... I just posted, like ten posts in a row... thats like 200000 charicters, I hope I am not in trouble
... after all this doesent count tword my post count,
Im going to report myself to the mods right now
EDIT: 17 posts in a row! *gasp*