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Author Topic: Joke Thread!  (Read 55178 times)

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Offline Mud Man!

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #40 on: September 27, 2006, 06:20:27 PM »
Whats hard and long, and fills girl's mouths with white stuff?

A toothbrush
Lighten up while you still can,
Don't even try to understand,
Just find a place to make your stand,
And take it easy


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Offline Karl Eller

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #41 on: September 28, 2006, 03:59:05 AM »
OK, keep this tasteful(ish), guys. Dead baby jokes are deffinatly un-called for, as is rape jokes.

Eller
"Explain how bad this turbulence will be"
"Oh god! Oh god! We're going to die"
"*over the intercom* Uh, this is your captain speaking, we're going to experience a few minor bumps, then uh... crash!"

Offline Talon Undecided

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #42 on: October 2, 2006, 09:53:37 AM »
A man walks into a bar.











OW.

Sorry, couldn't resist  ;D
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Good golly that was ages ago.

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Offline Inquisitor Yoda

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #43 on: October 2, 2006, 10:35:30 AM »
A baby seal walks into a club.



It's his fault, he reminded me!

That's right folks, ectoplasm, the force which keeps the sun orbiting around me. Learn it well.

Offline Talon Undecided

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #44 on: October 7, 2006, 01:11:36 PM »
A set of drums fell off a cliff.




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Offline Firebread

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #45 on: October 27, 2006, 05:55:44 PM »
Two Plague Marines are walking down the street.

PM 1: Hey man you know what I've always wondered?
PM 2: What?
PM 1: They call a squad of Plague Marines a PM Squad why not abrivate it more?
PM 2: We should talk to typhus about this.

Typhus: What is it PM.
PM 1: Our squads are called PM Squads, why not abrviate it more?
Typhus: Your right from now on the PM Squads shall strike fear into the hearts of millions, all shall learn the terror of our new abriviation, they will know the fear of, PMS!
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Offline FarseerJeff

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #46 on: November 4, 2006, 12:58:44 AM »
Here is a few quick ones about stupid drummers (no offense intended)

Q.What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend.

A.Homeless

                  ------------------------------

Q. Why do bands hire bass players.

A.To translate for the drummer

                  ------------------------------

Q. How do you know if a drummer is on an even platform.

A.The drool comes out both sides of his mouth.


               
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Offline Emo robots, psycho ninjas, evil princes, and sadistic babies.

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #47 on: November 4, 2006, 01:32:32 PM »
Q. Why do bands hire bass players.

A.To translate for the drummer

I RESENT THAT! Bassists are probably dumber than drummers.

Anyway, surprised no one's brought this up, I'll bring up the infamous political analogies:

ANARCHISM:  You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You steal your neighbor's bull and ignore the government.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal another one. You ignore the government.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover that he is a Nazi.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

BAHRAINISM: You have two cows. Some high government official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The government tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the government and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk all the cows at the same time to cut back on unemployment.

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.

BRITISH -- MAJOR: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.

BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.

BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.

CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the milk. You wither away.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a little milk ... once.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN - CASTRO STYLE: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the local bully gets more, or a few neighbors band together to kill you so that there is more milk for everyone else.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You count them and realize you have
four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realize that eleventy isn't a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy four cows.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there's no violence.

DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the people and the checks and balances mentioned above.

DEMOCRACY -- BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

DEMOCRACY -- REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

DUBAISM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years' time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention.

EGYPTIANISM: You have two cows. Both are voting for Moooooobarak!

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two goats. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

IRAQISM: The British Government sends in a herd of 20 cows in a trial run to help a village outside Basra. The villagers are extremely grateful for the extra milk and the health of the children improves daily. A terrorist group then kidnaps the cows and accuses them of being traitors to "the cause." The terrorists then produce signed confessions from the cows and systematically assassinates each one in front of Al Jazeera television cameras.

KUWAITISM: Upon hearing how popular cows are in the Gulf region, a group of young male Kuwaitis buy a herd. Unfortunately, they attach so many accessories (ski-racks, 3500 watt sub-woofers, nipple lights, etc.) that the cows almost collapse under the weight and/or embarrassment. The herd are all tragically killed in a massive pile-up while their owners are attempting to perform donuts by the Towers.

LEBANONISM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the government.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

MARXISM/LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

OMANISM: You have three cows. They are all healthy and produce good quality milk for sale at the market. Unfortunately, your son discovers that the money he received at the market can be used to buy beer. Your grand expansion plans for a new high-tech farm are put on hold indefinitely.

PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.

PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other cows to milk.

PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

QATARISM: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing, you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

SAUDIISM: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.

SIMPSONISM: Don't have a cow man!

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

SOCIALISM -- BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

SOCIALISM -- PURE: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

SURREALISM: You have two aardvarks. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious symbols."

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

YEMENISM: You once had a cow. But then it got kidnapped.
                                                                         
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, two giraffes and a duck, a doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant, an Irishman, an Englishman, and a Canadian all walk into a bar.
"Hang on," says the bartender. "What is this, some kind of joke?"
                                                                         
Upset by the lack of competence at his office, the boss decided to motivate the coworkers to think for themselves. He wrote the word "THINK!" on a piece of paper and stuck it above the bathroom sink, hoping people would see it clearer there than the bulletin board.
The next day, the boss noticed no change in workers' attitudes. When he went to the bathroom, he saw his sign was still there, but someone had put up another sign right above the soap dispenser.
It said, "THOAP!"
« Last Edit: November 4, 2006, 05:20:48 PM by Gaara of the Desert »
Kids will do anything for stickers.

Stay tuned for Volume II: Liberal peasants, nerdy archers, messianic terrorists, and sarcastic alchemists!


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Offline Tyranid_Wannabe

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #48 on: November 8, 2006, 03:43:41 AM »
This is a bit of a rude joke me and a mate made up about the races of DoW. Note read in order

Imperial Guard:Pen15
Orks:MyPen15isGreen
Space Marines:DaGreatPen15
Chaos:Ours_isBigger
Necron:WehavenoPen15
Tau:WewantGreaterPen15
Eldar:WewishwehadPen15

No need to make a new thread for one joke - Eller
« Last Edit: November 8, 2006, 03:54:19 AM by Inquisitor Lord Eller of the Ordo Moderatus »
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Offline Inquisitor Yoda

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #49 on: November 8, 2006, 09:54:29 AM »
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Jaguar?

I don't have a Jaguar in my garage.



What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?

Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven.



What's harder than nailing nine babies to a tree?

Nailing a baby to nine trees.
« Last Edit: November 9, 2006, 01:29:02 PM by Inquisitor Yoda - Immortal Until Prove Otherwise »

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Offline Emo robots, psycho ninjas, evil princes, and sadistic babies.

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #50 on: November 9, 2006, 12:05:07 AM »
May as well bring out the Herman-Durman joke...

There was once a farmer who had two workhorses named Herman and Durman.  Life on this farm was about average, he wasn't especially rich and nothing much exciting happened. Then one day, one of his neighbors said, "Ya know, those are mighty good horses. You should enter 'em into a race." The farmer looked at Herman and Durman, and was somewhat doubtful, but he decided to enter them into a small, local race.
When the day of the race came, the workhorses were lead to their stalls. The pistol shot and the gates opened, and out shot Herman and Durman far ahead of the other horses, neck and neck, Herman pulling ahead, Durman pulling ahead, Herman, Durman, Herman, Durman, around the first bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, around the second bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, all the other horses are still nearing the first bend, around the third bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, going down the final stretch, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, and just before the finish line, Herman pulls ahead and wins.
The farmer is certainly impressed, and he thought he could make some money off them, so he entered them into the county race.
This time, there were bigger and faster horses than before. The pistol shot and the gates opened. Again, Herman and Durman shot out far ahead of the other horses, neck and neck, Herman pulling ahead, Durman pulling ahead, Herman, Durman, Herman, Durman, around the first bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, around the second bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, all the other horses are still nearing the first bend, around the third bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, going down the final stretch, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman... Herman pulls ahead and wins.
Now, the farmer was certainly confident in these horses, and he decided to go further and enter them into the all-state race.
Now these were some strong and fast horses, well-known for winning many races, but when the pistol shot and the gates opened, Herman and Durman once again left the horses in their dust. They raced on, neck and neck, Herman pulling ahead, Durman pulling ahead, Herman, Durman, Herman, Durman, around the first bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, around the second bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, all the other horses are still nearing the first bend, around the third bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, going down the final stretch, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman... Again, Herman pulls ahead and wins.
Truly amazed both at the horses and the profit he was making, the farmer decided to go a step further; he would enter Herman and Durman into the Kentucky Derby.
This was certainly ambitious; the Kentucky Derby had the fastest and strongest horses in all the world. Many people thought he was testing his luck and there was no way Herman or Durman could win the Kentucky Derby.
But again, Herman and Durman were far ahead of the other horses from the beginning. Every other horse behind them, they were neck and neck, Herman pulling ahead, Durman pulling ahead, Herman, Durman, Herman, Durman, around the first bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, around the second bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, all the other horses are still nearing the first bend, around the third bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, going down the final stretch, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman... Not surprisingly, Herman pulls ahead and wins.
The farmer went on to enter Herman and Durman into race after race. Herman and Durman would leave all the horses far behind them, and Herman would always pull ahead and win. The farmer grew rich, and eventually retired them and bought a nice countryside mansion with a large field for Herman and Durman.
One day, as they were grazing in the field, Durman said to Herman, "You know, all these races we've been in, you've always won. I've never had the chance to win a race before, and I want to know what it feels like to win."
"Sure," says Herman. "Let's just have a slow race around this field, and I'll let you win this time."
So they draw a starting line on the side of the field, and they started trotting around the inside of the fence (they were older, so they couldn't race). They went around the first corner... Herman... Durman...Herman... Durman... around the second corner... Herman... Durman... Herman... Durman... around the third corner... Herman... Durman... Herman... Durman... heading back to the starting line... Herman... Durman... Herman... Durman...... Herman pulls ahead and wins.
Now, a sheepdog who watched the whole thing said to Herman, "What's wrong with you? You promised Durman you would let him win! Some friend you are!"
Herman looks and says, "Hey, look! A talking sheepdog!"
Kids will do anything for stickers.

Stay tuned for Volume II: Liberal peasants, nerdy archers, messianic terrorists, and sarcastic alchemists!


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Offline FarseerJeff

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #51 on: November 9, 2006, 02:15:13 AM »
here is alittle one of a magic the gathering card,


Two muffins are baking in an iven, one mufin says to the other muffin "Wow it's getting kind of hot in here eh." the other emuffin replies "AH a talking muffin.
Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar.

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Offline Harlean

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #52 on: November 9, 2006, 01:44:56 PM »
here comes a pretty funny joke

An officer began to speak to an old pirate and noticed that he had a wood leg, a hook hand and only one eye.
"how did you get that wood leg" said the officer
"thats a horrible story" the pirate answered "we were caugth in a Storm in the Caribbean and i were thrown over board and a shark bit my leg off"
"that must have been terrible" the officer said "But how about that hook? how did you get that?"
"that I´ll tell you"the pirate said. "when we boarded a ship my hand got cut off"
"horrible" the officer said. "and how come you only got one eye"
"it was a bird that flew past that pooped in my eye"
"so you mean that some bird poo took your eye way?"
"well, it was the first day that I had the hook"
"Behind every great officer is a commissar cleaning his bolt pistol"

"ligth a man a fire and he will be warm for a day. light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life"

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Offline Kitsune Tsuki

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #53 on: November 24, 2006, 11:06:08 PM »
A rabbi once asked his old friend, the priest, "Could you ever be promoted?"
The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."
The rabbi persists, "And then?"
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."
"And then?"
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "I may, someday, rise to be the Pope."
But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? Jesus Christ Himself?"
The rabbi said, quietly, "One of our boys made it."


One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome. The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility... until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.

As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But he wanted a twist: to make it a silent debate. The Pope agreed.

The day of the debate came, and they went to St. Peter's Square to sort out the decision. First the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground.

The Pope, in some surprise, held up three fingers. In response, Moishe gave him the middle finger.

The crowd started to complain, but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, holding them up. Moishe took out an apple, and held it up.
The Pope, to the people’s surprise, said, "I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Pope was asked what the debate had meant. He explained, "First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us. I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions. I showed him wine and a wafer, for God's forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate."

In the Jewish corner, Moishe had the same question put to him, and answered, "It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him, Go to Hell! We’re staying right here! Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal." An older woman asked, "But what about the part at the end?" "That?" said Moishe with a shrug, "Well, I saw him take out his lunch, so I took out mine."
« Last Edit: November 24, 2006, 11:13:28 PM by Kitsune Tsuki »

Offline jebus-san

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #54 on: December 1, 2006, 03:16:01 AM »
A man joins a famous pirate by the name of Captian Edwards. One day as they are sailing the man keeping a look out crys out 'Theres a ship off the port side and they are coming right at us.' Captian Edward turns to his first mate and says 'go get me my red shirt.' after putting on the red shirt, they fight their way to glory. This happens 3 or 4 times and the man becomes courious as to why edward always wears a red shirt to battle. so he asks him. 'Well,' Edward starts, 'because if i ever get stabed while fighting, then the men wont see it cause of the red shirt and then they can go and fight for glory know their fearless leader is ok.' 'oh ok, that makes sence' the man replys. Just then the man in look out crys out, 'captian. off the port side, the entire british armada.' Captian looks to his first mate and says, 'bring me my brown pants.'
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Offline FarseerJeff

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #55 on: December 4, 2006, 05:31:22 AM »
I like cats too. Lets share recipes.
Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar.

Today is the tommorow you were promised yesterday

Offline Tyranid_Wannabe

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #56 on: December 6, 2006, 06:23:05 PM »
One day three explorers are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribesmen want to kill them and eat them but one of the explorer's says "Hang on, we should be able to do some sort of challenge and if we pass you can let us go". The tribesmen agree and say the challenge will consist of 2 parts. They say the 1st part is that they have to collect a species of fruit, then come back for the second challenge. The explorers agree and seperate to search for fruit. The first explorer comes back with apples. "okay" say the tribesmen "now the second part is that you have to shove the fruit up your ass without making a sound, no crying, gasping, no sound". The first explorer tries but starts crying due to the pain and is killed. The second explorer comes back with grapes and the tribesmen tell him the second part of the challenge. He nearly completes the challenge but he suddenly starts to laugh so the tribesmen kill him. On his way to heaven the second explorer meets up with the first explorer. The first explorer asks him " You nearly completed the challenge, but you laughed, why?" The second explorer responds "Oh I saw the third explorer coming back with pineapples".
Heed my wisdom, ignore my ignorance

Offline The Reborn

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #57 on: December 8, 2006, 06:55:49 PM »
Mickey Mouse goes to see a divorce lawyer.

"Ok, i want a divorce, see to it", he says.

The lawyer is amazed..."But Mickey, you can't do this...er, you'll break all the kids' hearts...why would you do this?" he says.

Mickey reaches over and whispers in his ear.

"well, ok", says the lawyer, "but don't you think it's over-reacting to divorce Minnie just because she has protruding teeth?"

"i didn't say she had protruding teeth", says Mickey, "i said she was f**king Goofy!!!"


-Reborn. :)

Offline Snike

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Jokes!
« Reply #58 on: December 16, 2006, 09:42:22 AM »
(The last one is not a joke.)

The Emperor isn't really immobilised, he's just damn lazy.

The Golden Throne is really named Brass Throne, the largest movie theater in the universe. Khorne sits on it.

Slaanesh originally stole his fancy pink and white colors from Eldar armor.

The Sisters of Battle are the cheerleaders of the Emperor. "...and they shall know no bra."

Eldars are undercover Night Elves from Warcraft. They are the number one Warcraft fans. Their giant-planet-looking-space-station-things were originally named as Warcraftworlds.

The Kroots are Chicago Black Hawks-fans.

Imperial Fists were originally Imperial Pacifists.

Bloodletters are pacifists.

Orks are the best cooks in the universe.

The first Sister of Battle was named Britney Spears.

All Chaos dudes listen heavy metal, particularly Iron Warriors.

C'tans are satanists. C'tan = Satan.

Dark Angels listen black metal.

Nurglings are baby Orks that smoke weed.

All creatures that serve Nurgle smoke weed.

Khorne is shy.

All Slaaneshi dudes are DJs. They are all nearly deaf. That's why they are listening music so loud.

There was once a Comissar named Hitler.

All Dreadnought, Crisis Battlesuit, War Walker and Titan pilots watch Transformers.

Imperial Guards' helmets have more firepower than their Lasguns.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2006, 12:36:29 PM by Snike »
I'LL BE BACK SOON!

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Nids - Hive Fleet Thanatos - 2100 points and growing (reaaally slowly)
Coming maybe someday: Orks - Da Black Jawz

Check this out! :D

Offline jebus-san

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #59 on: December 17, 2006, 05:03:39 PM »
Three men got shipwreaked on an Island. One day while exploring it they came across a tribe of cannibals. they try to run but they have no where to go. the cannibals decide to be nice and so they say to them. 'We want you to chose how you die then kill yourself that way if you want. but just to let you know we will be making a canoe with your skin.' so the first guy says OK i want to be shot in the head like my father. so the cannibals shoot him in the head. the second guy says give me a knife. so they do and he cuts his wrists just like his father. they turn to the last guy and say how would you like to die? he thinks for a moment they replys give me a fork. confused they do. he starts stabbing him self all over. 'so much for your damn canoe!'
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