News: No news is good news...

Login  |  Register

Author Topic: Joke Thread!  (Read 55179 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Kritik

  • Banned troll: My arrogance couldn't be matched!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3505
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #20 on: June 27, 2006, 09:45:48 AM »
Time to destroy this thread... let's unleash the ultimate weapon!

The Three Purple Men Joke

[censored to keep everybody sane(ish)]

Spam!!! Eller, why didn't you gut this spammer?!

More comedy gold by Hao Li! Thats brilliant man, keep it up.  ;)

 >:(...


A blonde and a burnette were walking through the forest when suddenly, the burnette suddenly fell down. The blonde rushed over to his fallen friend and called the operator for help.
Blonde: "Operator, my friend fell down and he stopped moving. I don't know what to do!"
Operator: "Okay, calm down. Deep Breath. First, make sure your friend is dead."
(over the reciever)*Boom* (A gun shot noise)
Blonde: "Now what?"
I used to think that I knew everything,
but now I'm just banned.



Offline nomadcrow

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 92
  • If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #21 on: June 29, 2006, 05:48:35 PM »
How many Slaneshi does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there!
Battlecry of followers of Khorne: Blood for the Blood God!
Battlecry of followers of Slaneesh: Porn for the Porn God!

Offline Karl Eller

  • OMG Laserguns!, Colonel-Commissar
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3796
  • This is madness?! THIS IS LINUX!!!
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #22 on: July 1, 2006, 06:24:01 AM »
This one is just for you, Jimmy:

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
Because there is no dental records and all their DNA is the same

Eller
"Explain how bad this turbulence will be"
"Oh god! Oh god! We're going to die"
"*over the intercom* Uh, this is your captain speaking, we're going to experience a few minor bumps, then uh... crash!"

Offline JamesBot 9000

  • He who begged to be a Moderator - Commissar- Official 40kO Sucker - 40kOnline's Wingman
  • Ancient
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1672
  • Country: 00
  • It's on now, chaps!
    • Out-of-Plane Labs
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #23 on: July 7, 2006, 12:49:39 AM »
For Eller:


What would happen if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die, and showed up 50yrs later like, "sup?" What would they have to say to us?

Something along the lines of, "G`Day mate!"

The "I build robots" badge (LEVEL IV)
In which, technically, the recipient is not in the business of world domination (as dictated by membership rules*), but has built a robot that is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote from: Herr.Erdnuss
Quote from: Jimmy said this last night in a dark closet
"Sorry, Jimmy can not resist!"
There were no survivors.

Offline Kitsune Tsuki

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2408
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #24 on: July 8, 2006, 12:41:50 PM »
The Bacon Tree

 Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.


 "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"



 "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."



 "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.



 "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."



 The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke."



 So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.



 Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."



 The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...

 (Are you ready?)
















 "It vuz a ham bush."


Offline JamesBot 9000

  • He who begged to be a Moderator - Commissar- Official 40kO Sucker - 40kOnline's Wingman
  • Ancient
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1672
  • Country: 00
  • It's on now, chaps!
    • Out-of-Plane Labs
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #25 on: July 9, 2006, 11:57:22 PM »
Brilliant, Fadingjew, just brilliant ;D
God bless bad puns.

-----------------

During the cold war in the mid 50s, a mathematician and an RF engineer were recruited to man a radar surveillance station in Alaska. They were told that in addition to their pay they would get a rather special bonus. So after a month of strenuous duty in the Alaskan winter, they are led into the base gym where in the far corner stands Miss America 1956. Both the engineer and the mathematician immediately want to race across to her, but are held back by their commanding officer: "You guys are allowed to go to her, but each step you take must be exactly half as long as the previous one". The mathematician does a quick calculation in his head and announces: "I give up, I'll never be able to reach her!". The engineer, however, continues walking towards her, saying: "I might not exactly reach her, but I'll get close enough to do the job."

--------------------

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer : What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor : I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest : Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest : Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They are rather slow, aren't they?
George : Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.
Priest : That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor : Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer : Why can't these guys play at night?

The "I build robots" badge (LEVEL IV)
In which, technically, the recipient is not in the business of world domination (as dictated by membership rules*), but has built a robot that is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote from: Herr.Erdnuss
Quote from: Jimmy said this last night in a dark closet
"Sorry, Jimmy can not resist!"
There were no survivors.

Offline Kitsune Tsuki

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2408
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #26 on: July 10, 2006, 12:52:41 PM »

Brilliant, Fadingjew, just brilliant ;D
God bless bad puns.
I got plenty more.  My dad sends them to me all the time.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type
managers. These were voted the top ten quotes for in corporate
America, circa 2004:


"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in
Redmond  WA )




"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might
encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)




"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)




"This project is so important we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)




"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant
Manager, Delco Corporation)




"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll
let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota
Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)




Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)




My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)




"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long
Lines Division)



How to Make Life Easier

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.Simply pour a cup
 of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be
 almost instantly removed.

 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
 someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
 simply using the sink.

 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
 for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
 to use a timer.

 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,will prevent you
 from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
 button.

 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
 will be afraid to cough.

 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
 forget all about the toothache.

 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
 are:
  You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
 and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
 duct tape.

 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

 Thoughts for the day:

 If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

 Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you
might need them to empty your bedpan

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..........T HEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING........BUT .......... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR
 FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.



I'll get some more later.

Just fixed up some of your spelling mistakes. Yes, I'm bored :P - Eller

Eh, I just copy them from how I get them in my email.  Spelling Mistakes included.

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He
told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.
The  first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he
banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."  Once again St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and also
banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was.   St. Peter said, "So,
tell me." She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with
his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested
him  and hung him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."   But the blonde continued, "Now,
every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.  If he
sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St.  Peter fainted.



A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
herfaithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.



One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies andbefore long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in hisdirection with the intention of having lunch.



The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doonow!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, heimmediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his backto the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leapthe old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
onedelicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more aroundhere?"



Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack inmid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinksaway into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That wasclose! That old poodle nearly had me!"



Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the wholescene from a
nearby tree, andfigures he can put this knowledgeto good use and
tradefor protection from the leopard.Sooff he goes, but the old poodle
sees him heading after theleopard with great speed, and figures that
something must beup. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills thebeans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.



The young leopard is furious at being made a fool ofand says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's goingto happen to that
conniving canine!"



Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with themonkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back tohis attackers, pretending
he hasn't seen them yet, and justwhen they get close enough to hear,
the old poodle says:

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago tobring me
another leopard!"





Moral of this story...



Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery willalways overcome
youth and skill! Bullamphetamine parrot and brillianceonly come with age and
experience!


I.
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night
to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference
Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that
comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child
in each.


II.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.


This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa
has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.


Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the
purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
house-hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops
or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second ---
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.


III.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.


Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set
(two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300
pounds.


Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would
need 360,000 of them.


This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another
54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the
ship, not the monarch).


IV.
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air
resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.


Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from
a dead stop 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal
forces of 17,500 g's.


A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the
back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his
bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.


V.
Therefore, if Santa does exist, he's dead now.
« Last Edit: July 13, 2006, 09:14:48 PM by Fadingjew »

Offline Interrogator_Chaplain

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1250
  • Just say you won't repent, I dare you.
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #27 on: July 16, 2006, 12:54:03 AM »
I'll add my favorite brand of joke here: Music Jokes!

What's the diffrence between a good bassoon player and a Unicorn?
No diffrence, both are mythical creatures.

What's the diffrence between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist?
The snake had skid marks leading up to it.

Why are trombone players better lovers? Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers,
but trombonists do it with seven positions!
 
Why are violinists like S.C.U.D. Missiles?
Both are offensive and inaccurate!

Q: How many Sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, she'll stand on a piano, drink a diet coke and haver her accompanist do it.

How do you keep two oboe players in tune?
Shoot one of them.

Three Sax players are buried up to their necks in cement, what do you say?
Not enough cement!

When will the world end?
When we find a good drummer.


One morning a violin player calls up the symphony hall to find out when rehearsal is. When he gets connected the secretary says that the conductor died suddenly last night of a heart attack. The violinist hangs up.

Five minutes later the violinist calls up again and asks when the practice is, and again the secretary tells him that the conductor died of a heart attack in his sleep. The violinist hangs up again.

For the next 45 minutes the volinist keeps calling and asking when practice is and the secretary keeps giving the same response until finally she says: "I've told you 25 times that the conductor is dead, why do you keep calling?!"

And the violinist replies smoothly: "Because I just love hearing it."


As a group of accordion player take off on a plane a terrorist hijacks it and demands that they set down again immediately.

As the plane radio's in that they have a a hijacking and a hostage situation. The plane is given the OK to land and the police negotiators and S.W.A.T. are brought in to diffuse the situation.

The police move in to give the terrorists a phone so which they can communicate with. The terrorists soon call the police and give them their demands and request that they be met. The police however will not agree to this until they talk to some of the crew on board, the terrorists refuse and the situation continues.

Eventually the terrorists concede and tell the police they can talk to one of the passengers. The lead terrorist hands the phone to a passenger.
The police ask: "Who are you and what are you doing on the plane?"
The passenger replies: "My name's Doug and me and all the guys on this plane are headed to one of the worlds biggest accordion festivals in the world."

The police then ask Doug to hand the phone back to the terrorist. He does so and the terrorist asks the police what they want.
The police respond: "We'll give you $10, 000, 000 to make sure that those accordion players never get off that plane."

Offline Inquisitor Yoda

  • Small, Green & Spammish: Now with Extra Alcololz
  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3364
  • Where's the damn festive cheer?
    • Original Writings
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #28 on: July 17, 2006, 08:24:21 PM »
Well as we're on the music jokes:

What do you call someone who hangs around with a band?

A drummer...

That's right folks, ectoplasm, the force which keeps the sun orbiting around me. Learn it well.

Offline Possum

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 253
  • Fly like an emu...
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #29 on: July 31, 2006, 12:01:02 AM »
A plane is crossing the Atlantic when suddenly it experiences serious engine trouble. THe pilots do a quick calculation and determine they need three adult men to jump in order for the plane to make it to land. As the flight attendant makes her way back with the news she tries to round up volunteers. After a few minutes she finds three men, a British, a Frenchmen, and an American. So she proceed to pop the emergency hatch on the door and stands aside to let the men jump. The Brit goes over and yells"Long live the Queen!" and jumps out. The frenchman close behind screams out "Viva la France!!" and the American who was lingering behind exclaimed "Remember the Alamo!!" grabbed a Mexican and threw him out the hatch.

---------------------------------------------
What do you call a sunburnt frenchman and a moody german?

Dinner-French Toast and Sour Kraut

Never look a gift horse in the mouth.... especially if the horse is sick.... or carrying a bunch of Greeks...I'm not sure which is worse.

Offline Kritik

  • Banned troll: My arrogance couldn't be matched!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3505
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #30 on: August 11, 2006, 05:40:40 PM »
There were 4 scholars that are always having a discussion, and because out of favortism, three of the four scholars always gangs up on this one scholar. Stifling his voice and belittling his comment.

One day, they got into a very heated arguments, and the way the four thought were justl like before, the one lonely scholar on one side while the other three teamed up against him.

The lonely man, determined to be right prayed to God: "Lord, please show them that I am right, give me a sign!"

Suddenly, all the clouds in the sky gathered at one place, looming over their head.

"See! See! Look, I'm right! That's a sign!" said the lonely man.

But the other three scholars blew it off as a natural coincidence and is easily explainable as a natural cause.

The lonely man, stubborn as he is, continued to pray to God: "Lord, please show them that I am right, give me another sign!"

Suddenly a lightning flahed out of the clouds that gathered and struck the tree near by, splitting it in half.

"See! See! Look, I'm right! That's a sign!" said the lonely man.

The three scholars again blew him off, saying that that was only a coincidence.

The lonely man, knowing he is right, continued to pray to God: "Lord, convince them that I am right!"

Then a hole opened within the middle of the cloud and a beam of light poured onto the four scholars and in a booming majestic voice, the Lord said "Heee's Riiight!"

The leader of the group shrugged and said: "Now it's 2 to 3."
I used to think that I knew everything,
but now I'm just banned.



Offline JamesBot 9000

  • He who begged to be a Moderator - Commissar- Official 40kO Sucker - 40kOnline's Wingman
  • Ancient
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1672
  • Country: 00
  • It's on now, chaps!
    • Out-of-Plane Labs
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #31 on: August 21, 2006, 01:27:47 AM »
Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - -   scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z.  Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to sunny Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. IQ raised to 27.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

The "I build robots" badge (LEVEL IV)
In which, technically, the recipient is not in the business of world domination (as dictated by membership rules*), but has built a robot that is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quote from: Herr.Erdnuss
Quote from: Jimmy said this last night in a dark closet
"Sorry, Jimmy can not resist!"
There were no survivors.

Offline Salami

  • I'm a just unworthy of a custom title.
  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 904
  • Remember Greenstuff.
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #32 on: August 21, 2006, 07:09:23 AM »
And now, a few Dutch jokes, and requires a little thought.

1. A plane is flying over the ocean, and is nearing it's destination, with 99 Belgians and one Dutchman. Suddenly, a loud cracking noise is heard, and, as everybody grabs hold of the ceiling, the entire floor of the plane gives way, and peels off. Miraculously, the plane still flies, but the captain determines that one man needs to jump for the plane to reach it's destinaion safely. The Dutchman says: "I am the only Dutchman here, so I will jump." Whereupon all the Belgians start clapping.

2. Another plane crashes on the Belgian-Dutch border. On which side are the survivors buried?
Quote
May 2027: 40K 8th edition is released. The rules are now so simple that they embody the perfect emptiness of zen, accidentally causing thousands of players to become one with the universe.

June 2027: Someone complains on a message board that the 8th edition 40K rules, while the path to true enlightenment, do not feature realistic armour saves.

(Rictiovarus is the Tavern antichrist).

Offline Frescadude

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 359
  • ^It's My Trusted Side Kick^
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #33 on: August 21, 2006, 02:52:43 PM »
2. Another plane crashes on the Belgian-Dutch border. On which side are the survivors buried?

The side with the weakest laws regarding murder.
Rock n' Roll vs. Classical music:  Mozart created a concierto that you had to play with your nose, Hendrix didn't have to play with his nose, but he did anyway.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will be at peace- Jimi Hendrix

The lemonade was in fact laced with cyanide and happiness. And by happiness I mean more cyanide.
WTF Would Jesus Do?

Offline RAVEN KRW

  • Abyss Lord
  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1317
  • Let Slip The Dogs Of War
    • Ravenstone
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #34 on: August 23, 2006, 07:40:02 PM »
THE HUSBAND STORE


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the Instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. ..
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" She exclaims, "I
can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!









~Raven.

Offline Kritik

  • Banned troll: My arrogance couldn't be matched!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3505
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #35 on: August 28, 2006, 12:59:20 PM »
Eller, Jimmy, and Cossak were in a car together when their car fell off a huge ledge. Eller and Jimmy died instantaneously, Cossak died 30 hours later after intense pain. Anyways...

All three of them went to hell, all of them anxious to figure out what their fate is....

They then saw three doors, each guarded by a demon.

A booming voice roared: "Eller, step forward to the first door!"

Timidly, Eller steped forward, and then the door opened - on the other side stood the ugliest women you have ever seen. She is 8 foot tall, covered in hair that wasn't combed. there were signs of dirt and moldy food. She also has an awful and ghastly smell.

"Eller, you have sinned. Your punishment is to fornicate with her... FOREVER!!!!"

Demons come and drags Eller towards his punishment.

The booming voice roared again: "Jimmy, step forward to the second door!"

The door opened, and 25 4 foot creatures appeared. They were fat and had horns on their heads. They sweat profusely and gave a stench together worse than that of the first lady. They were of mixed sex, both men and women.

"Jimmy, you have sinned. Your punishment is to fornicate with all 25 of them... FOREVER!!!!"

Demons come and drag Jimmy toward his fate.

The booming voice roared: "Cossak! Step forward to the third door!"

The door creaked open slowly, and on the other side stood....

Lindsy Lohan, Pamela Anderson, and the Olsen Twins.

"Girls, you have sinned...."
I used to think that I knew everything,
but now I'm just banned.



Offline Fasor'ith

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 93
  • Country: 00
  • I am coming!
  • Armies: Tau, Eldar, Necron
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #36 on: August 30, 2006, 04:14:21 AM »
What is an Ork sitting in between two trash cans? :)

A family Photo!! ;D

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?

A couple was invited to a stupenny shuffley masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

    
   
     
     

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep amphetamine parrot."

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and t o have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Yhwh-condemned it! They cant;t digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

Contiguous posts merged, please use the button to modify and update posts rather than create a reply to your own reply.  -Mr.Peanut
« Last Edit: August 31, 2006, 11:41:44 AM by Mr.Peanut »
Thanx - Fasor'ith

92% of teens have moved on to rap. If you are part of the 8% who still listen to real music, copy and paste this into your signature

Offline Inquisitor Yoda

  • Small, Green & Spammish: Now with Extra Alcololz
  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3364
  • Where's the damn festive cheer?
    • Original Writings
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #37 on: August 31, 2006, 06:05:01 AM »
2. Another plane crashes on the Belgian-Dutch border. On which side are the survivors buried?

The side with the weakest laws regarding murder.
I beg to differ. The survivors would go home... unless you like burying poeple alive, that is.




A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know > about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many >

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents >

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table >

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, >

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

That's right folks, ectoplasm, the force which keeps the sun orbiting around me. Learn it well.

Offline Frescadude

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 359
  • ^It's My Trusted Side Kick^
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #38 on: September 1, 2006, 11:33:06 PM »
2. Another plane crashes on the Belgian-Dutch border. On which side are the survivors buried?

The side with the weakest laws regarding murder.
I beg to differ. The survivors would go home... unless you like burying poeple alive, that is.

But if you buried the survivors they would die.  I know the joke I was just coming up with a different answer.

Those who say papercuts are the worst type of pain have never met Chuck Norris.

Paper gets Chuck Norris cuts.

Cigarettes get second-hand Chuck Norris.
« Last Edit: September 2, 2006, 11:02:15 AM by Frescadude »
Rock n' Roll vs. Classical music:  Mozart created a concierto that you had to play with your nose, Hendrix didn't have to play with his nose, but he did anyway.

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will be at peace- Jimi Hendrix

The lemonade was in fact laced with cyanide and happiness. And by happiness I mean more cyanide.
WTF Would Jesus Do?

Offline Salami

  • I'm a just unworthy of a custom title.
  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 904
  • Remember Greenstuff.
Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #39 on: September 4, 2006, 04:18:24 PM »
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure...
 In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
 In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
 In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
 In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
 In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
 In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
 And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Quote
May 2027: 40K 8th edition is released. The rules are now so simple that they embody the perfect emptiness of zen, accidentally causing thousands of players to become one with the universe.

June 2027: Someone complains on a message board that the 8th edition 40K rules, while the path to true enlightenment, do not feature realistic armour saves.

(Rictiovarus is the Tavern antichrist).

 


Powered by EzPortal