News: No news is good news...

Login  |  Register

Author Topic: Weavers: The Raven (Non-40k) [My own creation]  (Read 1070 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline -Makenshi-

  • I See Stupid People
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5256
  • Country: gb
Weavers: The Raven (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« on: September 28, 2005, 11:10:45 AM »
This has been in the works for a while and will likely stay in the works for some time, be re-written etc., however I've decided to at least start doing some writing for it so came up with the prologue to, what will hopefully be, a novel :D.

I'll need to flesh it out some more but this is at least the shell of it.

As always, any suggestions, questions and comments are welcome.

Weavers: The Clandestine Guard

Prologue

Urioa was a quiet little town on the edge of the Tsorian Empire, they had the occasional gang travel through being chased by the Clandestine Guard but that was nothing out of the ordinary. Most of the people living there were of the old and kind variety, helping travellers on their way if they fell into trouble, but then this was because the town itself relied on travellers spending money in the many inns, shops and taverns in Urioa. Still, the people were kind nonetheless, one couple in particular were.

Mr and Mrs Sola were a quiet little middle-aged couple that lived in a moderately sized cottage by themselves. This was due to no lack of trying, they were desperate for a child but, even after years of trying, they had not been blessed with one. They had even prayed to the Triad, pleading for their intervention on the matter.

But it was to no avail.

That was until one night when they’re prayers would be answered…



It was raining heavily, as if an ocean were falling onto the town. This was of little consequence for the people of Urioa and their many visitors, as the majoirty of the town spent their evening in the taverns or inns, out of the rain.

The town was very busy as everyone was celebrating the official end to the Jaik-Tsorian war, meaning the inns and taverns were full. The only people out in the rain were the travellers that couldn’t afford to stay in an inn or who didn’t get there soon enough. One such traveller was sitting as close to the Dark Horse Tavern’s walls as he could, hoping it would protect him from the brunt of the rain.

He was in no such luck.

His tattered, dirty and stained travelling cloak was fully wrapped around him and hood up, in a futile attempt to keep warm and dry. The only thing it was protecting him from was the notice of people walking in the Dark Horse Tavern, a fact he was at least partially thankful for.

If any of them had stopped to look hard enough they would have seen a hint of his medium length unkept blonde hair, his blue eyes, the top of his predominantly dirty white armour, and, most importantly, his slightly elongated and pointed lobeless ears.

He was a Half Elf.

Whether this was a good or bad thing to be depended on who you met, some viewed Half Elves as intelligent and kind hearted travellers, while others viewed them as bastard orphans abbandoned because of the curse they bring upon those around them.

Although if the had seen his armour as well they probably would have been more inclined to the former, as his armour was the badge of a Clandestine Guard, the law enforcers and teachers of the Tsorian Empire. But he didn’t want the association with them at the moment, not after all that had happened, and all that they had done.

“I hate the rain,” he muttered to himself.

After a long sigh he looked down the street, only to see the image that would one day make him, unknowingly, alter the fate of the world, for good or ill.

Walking towards him down the street was a young women. She had long raven coloured hair that reached all the way down her back to her hip. Her clothing was simple, and while she too wore a travelling cloak her hood wasn’t up. He noticed she seemed to be carrying a fairly large bundle.

That was when he started to feel it.

He felt the undeniable urge to close his eyes and sleep, he fought it as much as he could but it was to no avail, within seconds his eyes were closed and he was blissfully asleep. The last thing he noticed was her eyes, they were an icy blue.

All around the town the same thing was happening, in every tavern, house, shop and inn people just fell into a relaxed and blissful sleep, unaware of the enchantress walking the streets of their town.

She paused in front of a moderately sized cottage, opening the top half of the bundle to reveal a baby. Her face was unmistakably pained and full of sorrow.

“Must I do this? Why- ” she was cut off by nothing but stopped abruptly, as if a silent voice that only she could hear spoke.

“Very well master” she placed the bundle on the doorstep, out of the rain’s reach. After one last look at the sleeping child she turned and walked away, her tears mixing with those of the heavens, as if the Triad themselves shared her pain.

As she passed life sprung back into the town as people woke and, after a moment of confusion, carried on with their conversations and celebrations. All except for the Half Elf, who looked around, desperate to see where the young women had disapeared to.

Life also seemed to be breathed into the baby on the doorstep of the Sola’s house, as it began to cry, a cry heard by the couple inside, who rushed to the door.

“A child!” Mrs Sola exclaimed, immidietly taking the baby up in her arms, “Don’t stand there! Get some more blankets! It must be freezing by now”

As her husband hurried to fetch the blankets she went to close the door, pausing for a moment, thinking she saw a figure looking at her. But as she blinked it was gone and she ignored that mystery in favour of fussing over the miracle she held in her arms.

Rushing into the nearby forest, her face contorted in pain, the enchantress collapsed onto the forest floor, sobbing uncontrollably, not to be heard, nor condoled.

Just ignored.



~MTWC
« Last Edit: November 12, 2005, 09:01:38 AM by Mak The Tavern Pixie »
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline Rasmus

  • The Ratcatcher
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 33046
  • Country: 00
  • Lost Roads are now found!
    • 40kOnline
  • Armies: Squats
Re: Weavers: The Clandestine Guard (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2005, 11:29:49 AM »
Nice.
There are some small spelling-mistakes, and I am not sure how well Mr and Mrs fits into the entire thing, as it is a fairly recent addition to the language, and might not fit into the fantasy-theme that well, but other than that it is ok.

Lost Roads - finally released!


YouTube-clip of my Squat army.

Offline -Makenshi-

  • I See Stupid People
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5256
  • Country: gb
Re: Weavers: The Clandestine Guard (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2005, 11:35:43 AM »
Nice.
There are some small spelling-mistakes, and I am not sure how well Mr and Mrs fits into the entire thing, as it is a fairly recent addition to the language, and might not fit into the fantasy-theme that well, but other than that it is ok.

Well if you could point out the spelling mistakes that'd help.

I wasn't especially sure about the Mr & Mrs but couldn;t think of anything else...:-/

~MTWC
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline InfinityCircuit

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1895
  • "Useless, useless."--JWB
Re: Weavers: The Clandestine Guard (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2005, 05:44:18 PM »
This has been in the works for a while and will likely stay in the works for some time, be re-written etc., however I've decided to at least start doing some writing for it so came up with the prologue to, what will hopefully be, a novel :D.

I'll need to flesh it out some more but this is at least the shell of it.

As always, any suggestions, questions and comments are welcome.

Weavers: The Clandestine Guard

Prologue

Urioa was a quiet little town on the edge of the Tsorian Empire, they had the occasional gang travel through being chased by the Clandestine Guard but that was nothing out of the ordinary. A bit choppy.  Perhaps a semi-colon after "Empire" would help.Most of the people living there were of the old and kind Use another word.  In this place kind could be construed by its other definitions, such as ilk. variety, helping travellers on their way if they fell into trouble, but then this was because the town itself relied on travellers spending money in the many inns, shops and taverns in Urioa. Perhaps, "But there was a deeper motivation behind this seemingly altruistic action...Still, the people were kind nonetheless, one couple in particular were. "In particular, one couple was..." might fit better.  But ending with a transitive verb, to be, is not great grammar from my school.

Mr and Mrs Sola heh I know someone named Sola, pronounced, "Shoala" were a quiet little middle-aged couple that lived in a moderately sized cottage by themselves. Bit of a run-on sentence here? This was due to no lack of trying,a couple issues here that might make this clearer. they were desperate for a child but, even after years of trying, they had not been blessed with one. They had even prayed to the Triad, pleading for their intervention on the matter. A bit out of place.  I understand your point in letting the reader's imagination work for themselves, but perhaps a less abrupt introduction would be better.

But it was to no avail.I might insert an Alas! here but that's just me ;)

That was until one night when they’re prayers would be answered… their, not they are



It was raining heavily, as if an ocean were falling onto the town. This was of little consequence for the people of Urioa and their many visitors, as the majoirty of the town spent their evening in the taverns or inns, out of the rain. majority

The town was very busy as everyone was celebrating the official end to the Jaik-Tsorian war, meaning the inns and taverns were full. The only people out in the rain were the travellers that couldn’t afford to stay in an inn or who didn’t get there soon enough. One such traveller was sitting as close to the Dark Horse Tavern’s walls as he could, hoping it would protect him from the brunt of the rain. I don't think the war reference is really necessary...but it's your decision.

He was in no such luck. I'm not sure if a paragraph break is needed before the next section...

His tattered, dirty and stained travelling cloak was fully wrapped around him and hood up, in a futile attempt to keep warm and dry. The only thing it was protecting him from was the notice of people walking in the Dark Horse Tavern, a fact he was at least partially thankful for.

If any of them had stopped to look hard enough they would have seen a hint of his medium- hyphen is correct I believelength unkept blonde hair, his blue eyes, the top of his predominantly dirty white armour, and, most importantly, his slightly elongated and pointed lobeless ears.

He was a Half Elf.

Whether this was a good or bad thing to be depended on who you met, some viewed Half Elves as intelligent and kind hearted travellers, while others viewed them as bastard orphans abbandoned because of the curse they bring upon those around them.

Although if the had seen his armour as well they probably would have been more inclined to the former, as his armour was the badge of a Clandestine Guard, the law enforcers and teachers of the Tsorian Empire. But he didn’t want the association with them at the moment, not after all that had happened, and all that they had done.
Very good here

“I hate the rain,” he muttered to himself.

After a long sigh he looked down the street, only to see the image that would one day make him, unknowingly, alter the fate of the world, for good or ill. Did he not know he would change the fate of the world, or did he not know he was changing the shape of the world when he did it?

Walking towards him down the street was a young women. She had long raven coloured hair that reached all the way down her back to her hip. Her clothing was simple, and while she too wore a travelling cloak her hood wasn’t up. He noticed she seemed to be carrying a fairly large bundle. woman, not women.

That was when he started to feel it.

He felt the undeniable urge to close his eyes and sleep, he fought it as much as he could but it was to no avail, within seconds his eyes were closed and he was blissfully asleep. The last thing he noticed was her eyes, they were an icy blue.

All around the town the same thing was happening, in every tavern, house, shop and inn people just fell into a relaxed and blissful sleep, unaware of the enchantress walking the streets of their town.

She paused in front of a moderately sized cottage, opening the top half of the bundle to reveal a baby. Her face was unmistakably pained and full of sorrow.

“Must I do this? Why- ” she was cut off by nothing but stopped abruptly, as if a silent voice that only she could hear spoke.

“Very well master” she placed the bundle on the doorstep, out of the rain’s reach. After one last look at the sleeping child she turned and walked away, her tears mixing with those of the heavens, as if the Triad themselves shared her pain.

As she passed life sprung back into the town as people woke and, after a moment of confusion, carried on with their conversations and celebrations. All except for the Half Elf, who looked around, desperate to see where the young women had disapeared to.

Life also seemed to be breathed into the baby on the doorstep of the Sola’s house, as it began to cry, a cry heard by the couple inside, who rushed to the door.

“A child!” Mrs Sola exclaimed, immidietly taking the baby up in her arms, “Don’t stand there! Get some more blankets! It must be freezing by now”

As her husband hurried to fetch the blankets she went to close the door, pausing for a moment, thinking she saw a figure looking at her. But as she blinked it was gone and she ignored that mystery in favour of fussing over the miracle she held in her arms.

Rushing into the nearby forest, her face contorted in pain, the enchantress collapsed onto the forest floor, sobbing uncontrollably, not to be heard, nor condoled.

Just ignored.



~MTWC

Sorry I have to go I'll try finishing the rest later!  I like the piece, mostly grammar issues.

Offline -Makenshi-

  • I See Stupid People
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5256
  • Country: gb
Re: Weavers: The Clandestine Guard (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2005, 06:17:06 PM »
Did he not know he would change the fate of the world, or did he not know he was changing the shape of the world when he did it?

Didn't then, doesn't when it happens, and probably wont realise until the end.

Grammer has mainly been solved, now I bring you the updated version:

Weavers: The Clandestine Guard

Prologue

Urioa was a quiet little town on the edge of the Tsorian Empire. They had the occasional gang travel through being chased by the Clandestine Guard . It was well known for it‘s hospitality, helping travellers on their way if they fell into trouble; but then this was because the town itself relied on travellers spending money in the many inns, shops and taverns in Urioa. Still, they were kind folk nonetheless, one couple in particular were.

Lea and Filan Sola were a quiet little middle-aged couple, that lived in a moderately sized cottage by themselves. This was due to no lack of trying; they were desperate for a child but, even after years of trying, they had not been blessed with one. They had even prayed to the Triad, pleading for their intervention on the matter.

But it was to no avail.

That was, until one night, when their prayers would be answered…



It was raining heavily, as if an ocean were falling onto the town. This was of little consequence for most of the people of Urioa and their many visitors, as the majority of the town’s population and visitors spent their evening in the taverns or inns, out of the rain.

The town was very busy as everyone was celebrating the official end to the war with the Jaik, meaning the inns and taverns were full. The only people out in the rain were the travellers that couldn’t afford to stay in an inn or who didn’t get there soon enough. One such traveller was sitting as close to the Dark Horse Tavern’s walls as he could, hoping it would protect him from the brunt of the rain.

He was in no such luck.

His tattered, dirty and stained travelling cloak was fully wrapped around him and hood up, in a futile attempt to keep warm and dry. The only thing it was protecting him from was the notice of people walking in the Dark Horse Tavern, a fact he was at least partially thankful for.

If any of them had stopped to look hard enough they would have seen a hint of his medium length, unkempt blonde hair, his blue eyes, the top of his predominantly dirty white leather armour, and, most importantly, his slightly elongated and pointed lobe-less ears.

He was a Half Elf.

Whether this was a good or bad thing to be depended on who you met. Some viewed Half Elves as intelligent and kind hearted travellers; while others viewed them as bastard orphans, abandoned because of the curse they bring upon those around them.

Then again, if they had seen his armour as well, they probably would have been more inclined to the former. His armour was part of the badge of a Clandestine Guard, the law enforcers and teachers of the Tsorian Empire. But he didn’t want the association with them at the moment, not after all that had happened, and all that they had done. It was missing it’s gorget, but only other Guards and knowledgeable people would notice this and know it‘s meaning. Regardless, he’d rather not draw attention to himself.

“I hate the rain,” as he muttered this to no one in particular he overhead a particularly loud patron making his way to the tavern, a friend in tow.

He was raving about how the Jaik were lucky they had ‘that medalling Daorgh brat’ and then went on to make what seemed like miscellaneous insults to several well known Jaiks about their tactical ineptitude and, as he strained to hear while they entering the noisy tavern, something involving their mothers.

After a long sigh he looked down the street, only to see the image that would one day make him, unknowingly, alter the fate of the world, for good or ill.

Walking towards him down the street was a young woman. She had long, raven coloured hair reaching all the way down her back to her hip. Her clothing was simple, and while she too wore a travelling cloak, her hood wasn’t up. He noticed she seemed to be carrying a fairly large bundle.

That was when he started to feel it.

He felt the undeniable urge to close his eyes and sleep. He fought it as much as he could but it was to no avail. Within seconds his eyes were closed and he was blissfully asleep. The last thing he noticed was her eyes; they were an icy blue.

All around the town the same thing was happening; in every tavern, house, shop and inn, people just fell into a relaxed and blissful sleep, unaware of the stranger walking their streets.

She paused in front of a moderately sized cottage, opening the top half of the bundle to reveal a baby. Her face was unmistakably pained and full of sorrow.

“Must I do this? Why- ” She was cut off, seemingly, by nothing. Nevertheless she stopped abruptly, as if a silent voice that only she could hear spoke.

“Very well master” She reluctantly placed the bundle on the doorstep, out of the rain’s reach. After one last look at the sleeping child she turned and walked away, her tears mixing with those of the heavens, as if the Triad itself shared her pain.

As she passed by, life sprung back into the town as people woke and, after a moment of confusion, carried on with their conversations and celebrations. All except for the Half Elf, who looked around, desperate to see where the young woman had disappeared to.

Life also seemed to be breathed into the baby on the doorstep of the Sola’s house, as it began to cry, a cry heard by the couple inside, who rushed to the door.

“A child!” Lea exclaimed, immediately taking the baby up in her arms, “Don’t stand there Filan! Get some more blankets! It must be freezing by now”

As he hurried to fetch the blankets, she went to close the door, pausing for a moment, thinking she saw someone looking at her. But as she blinked it was gone, and she ignored that mystery in favour of fussing over the miracle she held in her arms.

Rushing into the nearby forest, her face contorted in pain, the stranger collapsed onto the forest floor, sobbing uncontrollably; not to be heard, nor consoled.

Just ignored.



~MTWC
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline RAVEN KRW

  • Abyss Lord
  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1317
  • Let Slip The Dogs Of War
    • Ravenstone
Re: Weavers: The Clandestine Guard (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #5 on: October 5, 2005, 01:37:49 PM »
Aside from your small mistakes it was Very good I enjoyed the read.

Offline -Makenshi-

  • I See Stupid People
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5256
  • Country: gb
Re: Weavers: The Clandestine Guard (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #6 on: October 17, 2005, 04:06:18 PM »
At last, another update, I'm thinking of perhaps adding a scene of the half elf in the Tavern as there's not much else I can flesh out but I don't feel it's long enough.



Weavers: The Raven Guard

Prologue

Urioa was a quiet little town on the edge of the Tsorian Empire. They had the occasional gang travel through being chased by the Clandestine Guard, but those kinds of problems were everywhere.

Most of the houses were old fashioned stone and wooden cottages, predominantly black and white, or other plain colours. The cobblestone streets were typically full of the citizens and their visitors going about their daily routines, restocking supplies, or just having a drink in the Taverns.

It was well known for it‘s hospitality, helping travellers on their way if they fell into trouble; but then this was because the town itself relied on travellers spending money in the many inns, shops and taverns in Urioa. They were kind folk nonetheless, one couple in particular were.

Lea and Filan Sola were a quiet little middle-aged couple, that lived in a moderately sized cottage by themselves. This was not due to lack of trying; they were desperate for a child but, even after years of trying, they had not been blessed with one. They had even prayed to the Triad, pleading for their intervention on the matter.

But it was to no avail.

That was, until one night, when their prayers would be answered…



It was raining heavily, as if an ocean were falling onto the town. This was of little consequence for most of the people of Urioa and their many visitors, as the majority of the town’s population and visitors spent their evening in the taverns or inns, out of the rain.

The townspeople and their visitors were celebrating the official end to the war with the Jaik, meaning the inns and taverns were full. The only people out in the rain were the travellers that couldn’t afford to stay in an inn or who didn’t get there soon enough. One such traveller was sitting outside, as close to the Dark Horse Tavern’s walls as he could, hoping it would protect him from the brunt of the rain.

He was in no such luck.

His tattered, dirty and stained travelling cloak was fully wrapped around him and hood up, in a futile attempt to keep warm and dry. The only thing it was protecting him from was the notice of people walking in the Dark Horse Tavern, a fact he was at least partially thankful for.

If any of them had stopped to look hard enough they would have seen a hint of his medium length, unkempt blonde hair, his blue eyes, the top of his predominantly dirty white leather armour, and, most importantly, his slightly elongated and pointed lobe-less ears.

He was a Half Elf.

Whether this was a good or bad thing to be depended on who you met. Some viewed Half Elves as intelligent and kind hearted travellers; while others viewed them as bastard orphans, abandoned because of the curse they bring upon those around them.

Then again, if they had seen his armour as well, they probably would have been more inclined to the former. His armour was part of the badge of a Clandestine Guard, the law enforcers and teachers of the Tsorian Empire. But he didn’t want the association with them at the moment, not after all that had happened, and all that they had done. It was missing a decorated gorget, but only other Guards and knowledgeable people would notice this and know it‘s meaning. Regardless, he’d rather not draw attention to himself.

“I hate the rain,” as he muttered this to no one in particular he overhead a particularly loud patron making his way to the tavern, a friend in tow.

He was raving about how the Jaik were lucky they had ‘that medelling Daorgh brat’ and then went on to make, what seemed like, miscellaneous insults to several well known Jaiks about their tactical ineptitude and, as he strained to hear while they entering the noisy tavern, something involving their mothers.

After a long sigh he looked down the street, only to see the image that would one day make him, unknowingly, alter the fate of the whole of Ulei.

Walking towards him down the street was a young woman. She had long, raven coloured hair reaching all the way down her back to her hip. Her clothing was simple, and while she too wore a travelling cloak, her hood wasn’t up. He noticed she seemed to be carrying a fairly large bundle.

That was when he started to feel it.

He felt the undeniable urge to close his eyes and sleep. He fought it as much as he could but it was to no avail. Within seconds his eyes were closed and he was blissfully asleep. The last thing he noticed was her eyes; they were an icy blue.

All around the town the same thing was happening. She passed the cottages of several families, all blissfilly asleep and unaware of her presence. She passed shops, with the owner and shoppers alike unconscious on the floor. Even as she passed the taverns, that were only a  moment ago teeming with chatter and life, the spell took effect and the patrons and bartenders fell silent. The whole town, save one couple, was now unaware of the beautiful enchantress walking solemly through their streets

She paused in front of a moderately sized cottage, opening the top half of the bundle to reveal a baby. Her face was unmistakably pained and full of sorrow.

“Must I do this? Why- ” She was cut off, seemingly, by nothing. Nevertheless she stopped abruptly, as if a silent voice that only she could hear spoke.

“…very well…master” She reluctantly placed the bundle on the doorstep, out of the rain’s reach. After one last look at the sleeping child she turned and walked away, her tears mixing with those of the heavens, as if the Triad itself shared her pain.

As she passed by, life sprung back into the town as people woke and, after a moment of confusion, carried on with their conversations, celebrations and business. All except for the Half Elf, who looked around, desperate to see where the young woman had disappeared to.

Life also seemed to be breathed into the baby on the doorstep of the Sola’s house, as it began to cry, a cry heard by the couple inside, who rushed to the door.

“A child!” Lea exclaimed, immediately taking the baby up in her arms and fussing over it, “Don’t stand there Filan! Get some more blankets! It must be freezing by now”

As he hurried to fetch the blankets, she went to close the door, pausing for a moment, thinking she saw someone looking at her from a distance. But as she blinked it was gone, and she ignored that mystery in favour of fussing over the miracle she held in her arms.

Rushing into the nearby forest, the enchantress’ face contorted in pain. As she collapsed onto the forest floor, she started sobbing uncontrollably; not to be heard, nor consoled.

Just ignored.



~MTWC
« Last Edit: November 12, 2005, 09:14:08 AM by Mak The Tavern Pixie »
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline RAVEN KRW

  • Abyss Lord
  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1317
  • Let Slip The Dogs Of War
    • Ravenstone
Re: Weavers: The Clandestine Guard (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #7 on: October 17, 2005, 04:24:25 PM »
That was really good Makenshi.
Of late I'm finding some of the stories on this board are more entertaining than the black library books themselves.




~Raven.

Offline Commissar Bryn

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 258
  • Country: 00
Re: Weavers: The Clandestine Guard (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #8 on: October 20, 2005, 11:24:25 PM »
          Great story, Makenshi. I really enjoyed it. Keep working on this piece.

Offline -Makenshi-

  • I See Stupid People
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5256
  • Country: gb
Re: Weavers: The Raven (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2005, 09:02:43 AM »
At last, the first Chapter has been written, I'm mainly looking for ciritquing but all suggestions, questions and comments are welcome :).



Weavers: The Raven

Chapter One: Bird Of Prey

It had been a long time since she had been to Urioa, the home of her ‘parents’. Not that she planned to visit them or even acknowledge their existence in any way, shape or form - she had more important matters to attend to than the fools who raised her.

The Dark horse Tavern was as it had always been, a hive of activity, with people coming and going constantly. Only a few of the regulars of the old and beaten down building and the townspeople were staying long. Who would want to stay long in there anyway? It had been going downhill for as long as she could remember; it was dirty; messy; and generally looked like It could collapse at any moment.

She sat in the most remote corner, bathed in darkness, in security and, to her, comfort. Even if she had been in the light one wouldn’t have been able to make out much of her as most of her face was shrouded in shadow by the hood of her tattered and torn travelling cloak. It had once been black but now was a mix of brown and grey as well. She wrapped it around her body most of the time, concealing the plain commoner’s clothing beneath, she couldn’t stand people looking down on her.

The water she had previously ordered was now hot enough for her to add the exotic leaves she had took to drinking. Reaching into her pocket she took out a few and chucked them into the mug, where they quickly dissolved in the water.

‘Where is that damn Nightshade?’ she thought angrily to herself, taking a sip of her water. Patience was not something Raven was known for, nor were Falcons in general. Especially when they were waiting for something important.

Like now.

An hour had almost passed before she saw the small group of shifty looking travellers enter the bar. She took a quick glimpse at the incredibly large man at the table near her, knowing that her hood masked what she was looking at. The Nightshades immediately made their way towards her, two of them sat down at the table adjacent to the large man, who was happily drinking a large mug of beer. The third man smirked and then sat down opposite her. She took great pleasure in the fact that he would probably be running out of this Tavern scared soon.

“Sorry I’m late darling, ran into trouble with the damn Guard” the smirk seemed to be stuck to his face.

“Call me darling or any other pet name again and I’ll make sure you will never be able to have children. Now cut the small talk, do you have the book or not?” She was in no mood to play games with him, she detested petty criminals.

He laughed. “Always to the point Raven, that’s what I like about you. And yes-” he cut in before she could make another threatening retort, “I have the book. Unfortunately it was a little harder to get than I thought…”

She did not like the greedy and slimy look on his face. “You look like you’re going to tell me something I wont like, you may wish to think carefully before you speak again”

He laughed again, “Oooh, making threats now are we little girl? You can’t be older than eighteen.” He laughed again at his own joke, his nearby thugs chuckling as well. “Anyway, idle threats aside; it’ll cost you three hundred.”

There was a slight pause until Raven replied. “We agreed on two” She flexed her fingers under the table, out of sight of the man opposite her.

“Oh yes, and such a crying shame that was too” he faked a sad face mockingly, “But as I said, it was more difficult to get, hence the extra hundred.” He was smirking again.

“Fine then” She stood up and glared at him under her hood. “But first let me give you some advice.” As she said this she delved into another of her pockets and took out a handful of coins.

“Oh? And what’d that be little girl?”

“I always have a backup plan” In one fluid motion she threw the coins at him and muttered a short incantation under her breath. The coins spread in the air, missing the, now perplexed man standing opposite. They expanded in the air and formed a faintly golden barrier behind him, blocking them off from the rest of the Tavern.

“Big mistake girlie” he drew his sword and then smirked sardonically. “Mage or not you can’t take on all three of us”

“Three? I only see one” It was her turn to smirk as she lowered her hood. “And even three wouldn’t have helped you”

His hand shook slightly and he staggered back. As she had lowered her hood her face became clearHer pupils and iris’ were near invisible. “You-you, you’re a-”

“Falcon? Yes, and my rather large friend behind you is a Behemoth” She spoke calmly, but was obviously enjoying his panic.

He suddenly twisted around to see the giant of a man standing over the unconscious bodies of his comrades. He was at least eight feet tall and was incredibly built - resembling a walking mountain. The man turned to look back at Raven, focussing on her, now visible, long jet black hair - rather than look at her unflinching and emotionless eyes.

He smiled nervously “So…two hundred?”

She smirked sardonically, “Pardon? Was that fifty? I could have sworn that was what we had agreed upon”

He was trying to hide his hatred and fear, but he wasn’t doing to well. “Year, fifty…sounds fair” he said the last part rather dejectedly.

Once again Raven took some coins out of her pocket. She placed them on the table. The man, defeated, sheathed his sword and lifted the large wrapped up book onto the table, he took the money and hurridly left, pausing only to awaken his comrades. All three fled as fast as they could.

The living mountain didn’t look very happy about what happened, he in fact looked rather guilty. “Uh…Raven? Are you sure that was-”

“Of course it was right you idiot” She snapped. “They tried to rob us first, serves them right.”

He nodded, although didn’t seem especially happy with the reply.

“Now, let’s see what new spells I can obtain from this book” She carefully unwrapped it and then opened it. In the following seconds most of Urioa felt a slight rumble, and those near to the Tavern felt the earth shake quite strongly. “That bastard!” She shouted, she didn’t; care that the barrier was down and people were looking at her. “I’m going to tear him limb from limb and feed him to a Sand Dragon!”

“Raven!” The large man grabbed her arm as she went to leave. “There are Guard in the town remember? If you go out and cause trouble they’ll stick a price on your head.”

She sighed angrily, “For once Drake, you’re right” she still looked furious. “But this book is useless to me now”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I can’t read Elvish, I was under the impression the book was written in common. I bet that bastard knew it all along too.” She thumped her fist onto the table.

By now the people in the Tavern had turned away, the regulars had recognised the Falcon and the visitors didn’t want to cause any trouble. The only exception was a nearby man. “Did you say you need to read Elvish?”

Raven immediately looked at him. “What? Can you read it?”

The old man laughed “Good grief no. but I know someone who may be able to help you”

“I’m listening”

“Not long ago a Half Elf came through here, said he was travelling to the capital, looked like a Clandestine Guard fella’, ‘cept he didn’t have full armour and seemed to be covering it up.”

Raven took a moment to think. “Do you know if he spoke the language?”

“Nope, but, short of a full blooded Elf a Half Elf is your best bet, besides, everyone knows General Oeli lives in the Capital, and I know for a fact he speaks at least one form of Elvish.”

Raven smirked. “Drake! Pick up the book, we’re going go the capital, so hurry your great big arse up and get a move on!” As she passed the man she flicked a coin onto his table and then left the Tavern, quickly followed by Drake.



~MTWC
« Last Edit: November 14, 2005, 08:07:34 AM by Mak The Tavern Pixie »
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline -Makenshi-

  • I See Stupid People
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5256
  • Country: gb
Re: Weavers: The Raven (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2005, 09:58:14 AM »
Enter Chapter 2, as usual, all suggestiosn, questions and comments are welcome :).



Weavers: The Raven

Chapter Two: All Roads Lead To Tsorai

Zei never thought he’d return to Tsorai. The capital held too many bad memories of people he had left behind, and people who had left him behind. He was wrapped up in his dirty travelling cloak, which he would jokingly refer to as ‘Old Faithful’ when asked about it. He had worn it when he left the city, and it had served him well over the seventeen years of his absence.

Under the cloak was equally, if not more, dirty leather armour, the raised surfaces of which where white while the recessess were black. It was complete with arm guards, gloves, boots, everything - covering the whole body. Only one item of the armour was missing, and that was the gorget, the true badge of a Clandestine Guard that bore their rank.

He was walking through the immense streets of Tsorai, it was the capital of the Tsorian Empire, headquarters of it’s government and, of course, the Clandestine Guard; so it was an incredibly large labyrinth of a city.

His hood was deliberately up, it had been seventeen years since he left but his appearance had barely changed, such was the gift, and curse, of a Half Elf; so he may be recognised.

“Seventeen years and the streets haven’t changed a bit” he smiled slightly as he passed the Phoenix Tavern, a quaint little building favoured by the new recruits. The smile soon changed to a frown of sadness, as the good memories he had there reminded him of the losses.

He sighed and continued walking down the street full of memories, some good, some bad. He passed other Taverns, many of which had off duty Guard’s laughing at a some joke or another; he passed shops with old and young alike filing in and out; and he finally came face to face with his old home.

The walls and the gates were as big as ever, clearing most of the nearby buildings. Their height didn’t really matter though, there was a giant invisible barrier that rose into the heavens, making sure no one got in except through the gates.

Well…that was how it was supposed to work, but Zei happened to know a shortcut that he and a friend of his discovered in their first year. He steered clear of the gates and instead followed the east wall of the compound.

“Two hundred and twenty two, two hundred and twenty three” he muttered under his breath, carrying on walking. “Four hundred and sixty two” He stopped, now in a remote part of the area he looked around to make sure no one was looking. He was the only one nearby.

He calmly walked straight into the wall.

Once on the other side he sighed with relief that the phantom wall hadn’t been discovered. Exactly how it had got there and who had made it they never knew, but a Guard must have blown a hole in the wall and erected some kind of illusion that was still here to this day – an impressive feat by any means.

He calmly looked around the compound and the large buildings and towers. It was basically a huge castle, although it’s outside appearance was smooth the inside definitely resembled the rough stone of castles. Why they had bothered making the outside smooth was unknown, although most suspected it was to make it more visibly appealing.

Zei scanned the various towers, looking for the second largest of them. “Where are you brother?”

*

General Oeli hated paperwork. He would much rather be training the new recruits or sparring with the veterans then filling out the stupid paperwork.

So it was a welcome distraction when Zei entered the room…through the window. Oeli looked up at his twin. They were identical save the scar running from the middle of Oeli’s forehead to his right cheek and his short and neat blonde hair, a stark contrast to the unkempt medium length of his brother.

He chuckled slightly. “You know, I should have known better than to doubt you’d come back, you never break a promise”

Zei smiled. “I assume by your welcome that your offer is still open?”

His brother didn’t speak for a while. “Well, normally I’d ask you to pass some kind of test, however, as I’m sure you’re aware, you proved all you needed to by getting in here without me knowing you were even back in Tsorai” he smiled, “Come back in a week, I’ll sort out all the paperwork”

“Thanks Oeli” Zei smiled and turned to leave.

“Zei” he turned to face his brother, “I said I’d get you the position, it’s up to you to keep it, if you don’t do well or disappoint in some way I wont protect you in any way, shape or form. Understand?”

Zei nodded. “I understand” Just as he left the doorway of his brother’s office he turned back once more. “Oh, will I be getting new armour? As you may have noticed my current suite is a bit worn”

“I’ll see what I can do. See you in a week” he sighed as Zei left the room and saw him eventually leave the compound. The proper way. “One of these days I’ll find out how you get in here without passing the gates” Once again he looked back at the paperwork and groaned.



~MTWC
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline -Makenshi-

  • I See Stupid People
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5256
  • Country: gb
Re: Weavers: The Raven (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #11 on: November 16, 2005, 08:13:08 PM »
And here be Chapter 3, it may seem abit strained, but I'm trying to keep to one Chapter every 2 days. Even if I don't have a masterpiece the first time at least I've done something and can get soem advice on how to improve my work.

As always, suggestiosn, questions and comments are welcome :).



Weavers: The Raven

Chapter Three: The Fool

“Come on, you want to look pretty don’cha?” the woman winked at Raven as if they had been chums for years.

She was quickly loosing her temper with Tsorai, she and Drake had only been there under an hour and she already felt like going on a minor killing spree. “For the last time you foolish be-atch, leave me alone and get out of my way” They had decided to walk through the market place, and Raven had soon realised what a mistake it was.

This particular old woman was trying to sell Raven a necklace of some sort. She made a sympathetic ‘Aaaw’, before making a very big mistake. “Feel embarrassed about trying to pretty yourself up while your man’s watch-”

“Shut up!” once again, Raven’s anger got the better of her, sending a shockwave through the thermals. It tipped over stalls, knocked people of their feet and generally made a mess of the whole place. She then grabbed the old woman by her tatty collar and pulled her off the ground slightly. “I do not want a necklace, I do not want a ring, I do not want rogue, and I am certainly not involved with my travelling companion.” by this time she had attracted a small audience. “What I am interested in is finding a Half Elf. Do you know where I can find a Half Elf other than the General?” the dishevelled woman shook her head, obviously a bit shocked.

Raven pushed her back down, not especially hard, but enough to make a point. “Then leave me alone, I haven’t the time to suffer the idiocy of fools like you” she said venomously. As they turned around to continue their way Raven was pleased to see people moving out of the way.

“Uh...Raven…are you sure-”

“Yes” she retorted, knowing his question. “I am sure it was necessary”

Once again he didn’t look happy with the reply but didn’t say anything.

“Hey! Excuse me!” a voice called out to them just as they exited the, now messy, marketplace. Raven turned around, ready to send the owner of the voice into a wall. “You said you were looking for a Half Elf?” he was about the same age as Raven, although it was obvious he wasn’t especially well off…well, that was an understatement, Raven could have had a field day insulting him on his scruffy appearance alone. Regardless, she decided not to, as he may yet prove useful. He had a messy clump of light brown hair and green eyes.

“Yes, why? Do you know where I can find one?”

“Yup” he grinned. “Although we should probably move away from here as quickly as we can, the Guard will probably be here soon, and they don’t take kindly to troublemakers”

Raven scanned him once again before answering. “Fine, but if you try to trick me I will introduce you to my good friend the wall over there”

What happened next through Raven off, he laughed, as if she had made a joke. “Sure thing, come on” he sped off down the streets, he was light on his feet; Raven could quite easily keep pace but Drake had to move a substantial amount more bulk, even if he had a substantial amount more muscles to move it with.

They had walked into a narrow alleyway, Drake barely being able to fit. “So?” Raven had regained her composure now. She wasn’t used to people laughing around her, especially when it was because she made a threat to them. ‘He probably doesn’t take me seriously. Hmmph,  his health’.

He was still grinning but then just smiled at her. “Well, for the last few days a Half Elf has been staying in one of the local Inns, the White Lion, doesn’t go out really. He‘s the only Half Elf other than the General I know of, and he’s-”

“Shut up. I know about the General and how hard he is to get a meeting with, so don’t treat me like some idiot traveller” she took some coins out of her pocket and handed them to him. “Now get lost, preferably in a very dangerous and dark place with plenty of sharp and painful objects”

He once again laughed. “Well it was nice meeting you too…” he trailed off, hinting that he wanted to know her name. There was quite a long pause, in which Raven made it perfectly obvious she wanted him gone. “Ok ok, I know when I’m not wanted”

He brushed past her, pausing at the alleyway. “If I find any other Half Elves I’ll tell you”

Raven just ignored him. “Let’s go meet that half-blood then Drake”

And with that the pair set off to the Inn, with Raven, unusually, following Drake. He had been to Tsorai  before, Raven had only read and heard about it.

*

Before long they were standing outside the White Lion Inn. “Let me do the talking Drake…just make sure you don’t attract too much attention” she added in after a little thought.

As always, her hood was up and her face obscured. Luckily for her it was not exactly rare for people to do this, which resulted in fewer questions. The middle-aged man behind the desk gave her a quizzical look after seeing the walking mountain walk in after her.

“Room for two?”

“That depends” She walked right up to the desk, making sure to sound well mannered and polite. “We will probably be staying, however we would first like to enquire as to whether a Half Elf friend of ours has arrived yet?”

The man looked suspiciously at her. “He didn’t mention any-” Raven had quickly put her hand in front of his face and, emanating from it, a slight ‘wave’ in the air washed over the mans face.

“Are you sure?”

For a split second the man had a blank look on his face before rubbing his head and replying, “Oh yeah, I remember now. He’s in room twenty five”

“Thank you” she made a fake smile and then headed up the stairs, Drake following.

“I hate these damn headaches” the owner of the Inn remarked as he sighed and  shook his head, hoping in vain it would help.

It didn’t.



~MTWC
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

Offline -Makenshi-

  • I See Stupid People
  • Ancient
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5256
  • Country: gb
Re: Weavers: The Raven (Non-40k) [My own creation]
« Reply #12 on: November 19, 2005, 03:58:37 PM »
It's a bit late, but I've been doing more work on the background.



Weavers: The Raven

Chapter Four: The Wings Of Destiny

Raven knocked on the door of room twenty five and waited impatiently for a response.

When the door opened she was greeted by a very disheveld Half Elf who looked like he had only just recently got out a bed. He raised an eyebrow. “And who might you be?” he looked at Raven and then glanced at Drake.

“I’m Raven Sola, and I‘m here because I need your help” she pushed past the Half Elf, walking into his room, “Drake, you stay outside, make sure we aren’t disturbed”

“Well you have a funny way of asking for help, baring into my room” his expression was one of slighty annoyance. “Anyway, I’ll excuse it as mad longing or something along those lines” he shurged and grinned. “I’m Zei Erogah”

She narrowed her eyes and glared at Zei under the cover of her hood, but otherwise didn’t react.

“So what was it you wanted help with? Your school having a dance and you want an ‘exotic’ date? Or are you one of those people who just wants to pester us Half Elves about our parents?” Raven could tell that this Half Elf was not as stupid as his comments made him appear to be, he was deliberately goading her.

“If I were you I’d-”

“Shut it” he said harshly all of a sudden. “I can tell by being in your presence that you are a powerhouse when it comes to Thermal energy. And I can guess that you’re a Falcon as you’re hiding your eyes and are a bit young to be as powerful and skilled as you obviously are” he went to pick up a glass of water that was on a nearby desk. “But don’t think for a moment that I feel at all intimidated by it. And don’t think you can bully me into getting you want you want either” she was just about to speak again when he added, “Oh, and don’t even bother trying the trick you used on someone a moment ago, I have perception just like you, so it wont work, not without a lot more Thermal activity being involved, which wont happen this close to the Clandestine guard gates”

‘Damnit. Well this screws up my first plan, I had hoped he’d be a common fighter or Guard, but it seems he’s a trained mage too.’ She smiled and lowered her hood, hoping she could at least put him off, “Fine, but will you at least hear out what it is I‘m seeking from you?”

“By all means, but if it involves be going anywhere you’ll be better off not asking, I’m a lazy git you see. he smiled and drank the rest of the water in his glass.

“I need to learn Elvish”

“And why would that be? Want to write a love letter to a strapping young Elf?” he went rooting around his things again, turning his back on Raven quite deliberately.

She was getting very angry now and now spoke in a very annoyed tone. “No. I need to read a book that’s written in Elvish.” this time it was her turn to interupt him as he was about to speak, “And no, it isn’t to make a love spell or anything like that, I don’t have time for frivolous things like that”

He laughed slightly “Catching on then. Anyway, you’re going to have to show me this book of yours, I’m not about to help you discover some extremely efficient way to torture people or anything”

Reluctantly, she went to get the book off of Drake. Raven despised it went people were able to manipulate her or completely remove her say in matters, but she had been working on getting his book for far too long to let it slip now.

She handed the large and ancient book to Zei, who opened it and quickly scanned a few pages. When he closed the book she decided to take the initiative “Name your price, I’ll get the money somehow”

“No”

“No?!”

“Yes”

“Why?”

“Simple, this book has some powerful spells in it, I’m not about to hand that kind of knowledge over to a stranger for a few hundred gold. However” he paused as he looked at her long dark hair and youthful but unnaturally cold features. It reminded him of an event which he had almost forgotten, when he had seen a beautiful woman walk down the streets of Urioa, shortly after the end of the War Of Deceit. “I would be willing to teach you how to read Elvish in exchange for you doing something”

“…what?” she inquired cautiously.

“Join the Clandestine Guard”

“What?! There‘s no way I‘m going to join those stuck up, poor excuse for law enforcers”

“Then you can say ‘bye bye’ to learning Elvish” he finally found what he was looking for and picked up an old and worn travelling cloak. “Besides” he added in after a slight pause in which Raven seemed unable to speak, “If you join them you’ll learn a lot more, and be paid and fed to do it too”

She narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "And what are your reasons for wanting me to join the Guard?"

"Well, I could give you soem bullamphetamine parrot excuse about bettering the Guard and improving young minds etc. etc. however I doubt you'd believe me" he put his cloak on. "The actual reason is simple, I know from experience that it can get mind numbingly boring in the compound and most of the 'stuck up, poor excuse for law enforcers' have never had to deal with a Falcon on civil terms, and I look forward to seeing them try and fail"

"So it's for your own amusement?"

"Well, that's the main reason, depsite what I said before I do get a little bit of a warm fuzzy feeling out of helping people better themselves, but it's mainly for entertainment, yes" he grinned.

“…” there was a long pause as she deliberated. “…fine. But you had better stick to your end of the bargain, I’d rather go out with a bang taking you and everyone else near me than be decepted by you.” she turend to leave. “And that is not a threat, it‘s a promise”

Zei smiled “Then I’ll be seeing you in a few days Miss Sola”

As Raven left she had finally decided that she did not like Zei at all, having started the whole affair off by underestimating him only to have ended up with him twisting her arm into joining the Guard infuriated her to no end. The only upside is she’d be gaining a lot more knowledge, she just had to cope with the stuck up noble children and teachers for a while.



~MTWC
« Last Edit: November 20, 2005, 07:19:00 AM by Mak The Tavern Pixie »
Quote from: IainC
Because spamming the hotkey for a Deathknight's weapon in WoW is precisely the same as learning to use a sword in real life. That's why when Kendo grandmasters fight, they just stand there shouting keystroke combos at each other.

 


Powered by EzPortal