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Offline Abraxas

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Introduction (FICTION) please reply with comments
« on: May 3, 2003, 07:56:42 PM »
                The planet Chrion sat in a rather uninteresting part of the galaxy, however, the Eldar were never one’s to throw away a good thing. They saw it’s tactical flexibility, but they were not willing to sacrifice an entire battle force. They new their was an ancient warp gate buried somewhere beneath the surface, but they also knew that they won’t be the first to set foot on the planet, in fact, a Space Marine base exists on the planet, along with 2 large (and abandoned) cities. The Space Marines that have landed on the planet are known as the Spartans. They are a small, but by new means recent chapter of the Space Marine army. They use advanced technology in order to spread their chaos through out the galaxy, believing honor above all else, even death.
   The distant planet of Chrion was but a dot on the 3-D radar system that hung in the air.
   “What do we know?” asked Farseer Buanna.
   Warlock Esdainn replied, “all we know is that there is a small paramilitary force in the city of Pimera, thanks to the rangers we sent earlier.”
   “And what happened to those rangers?” asked the always inquiry Finnaden, the other warlock escort to Buanna.
   “They died,” responded Esdainn.
   “So we must respect those that perished to bring us this information. Their souls will be captured to escape the terrors of Slannesh,” he said, as is custom to all those that die. “The Craftworld Aliotic will be greatly thanked,” Buanna said. “Don’t worry Finnaden, those filthy Mon-Keigh

   The Eldar cruiser approached the planet. In order to make as little “noise” as possible, they enlisted the help of the Ulthwé, to shield their ship by manipulating the minds and sensors of any ships with in range. Fortunately, the Spartans control only a limited space fleet, so the chance of the Eldar ship being visually identified. It exited warp approximately 1 light year from the planet. Their quick movement toward the planet was detected by no one, fortunately, as the ship they took would probably lose against anything more than an escort or two.
   The ship set up orbit and prepared to drop its cargo. The destination was an abandoned city of buildings as tall as titans, making anything scaling them impossible. Not only this, but the shield grid was still active, making any building impervious to any weapon, even the bright lance.
   The first order of business was to get the troops to where they need to be. This was arranged by sending a transport with swooping hawks along with the Farseer and his entourage. The Vyper was not far behind. The second thing to do was to drop a “warp transmitter”, the most important piece of hardware for this mission. This enables them to transport their warp spiders directly to the planet, with out using the cumbersome transport. The Wraithlord, containing the soul of the fallen hero of the Battle of Nosti, Lifieth, was dropped off by way of “pod”.
   The enemy force was somewhere in the city. All the Eldar knew was that they were in the opposite corner, giving them time to maneuver.
   “May our souls strive for true and eternal freedom!” Farseer  Buanna said, as is the customary Battle Cry.
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Ambassador Kosh

The universe is driven by the complex interaction between three ingredients: matter, energy, and enlightened self-interest.
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Offline Lomendil

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Re:Introduction (FICTION) please reply with comments
« Reply #1 on: May 3, 2003, 09:49:43 PM »
Pretty good start, although there are a couple of things I'd pick up on:

- Eldar don't use the Warp to travel, as it puts them in great danger of being consumed by Daemons or Slaanesh.
- Eldar don't call Slaanesh by that name - they refer to her with other terms such as 'The Great Enemy', 'She Who Thirsts', etc. There's a thread full o' names on this board that you can use.

That's all though, both those things are small details easily modified.


Apart from that, the speaking style of the characters is good, and the descriptions of places and events are clear. A good start to the whole story.

Oh, and it seems you chopped off the end of the sentence where Buanna speaks, "Don't worry Finnaden, those filthy Mon-Keigh-  

Offline Monoglycer

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Re:Introduction (FICTION) please reply with comments
« Reply #2 on: May 3, 2003, 10:10:10 PM »
Battle rep soon to follow.

Offline Hive_Mind

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Re:Introduction (FICTION) please reply with comments
« Reply #3 on: May 4, 2003, 02:06:47 PM »
There r a couple little mistakes about the Children of Sparta

Chiron is the Spartan Home world and is densely populated
Unlike other chapters, the Spartans have no 1 gean-seed but have 1 for each company, that were either stolen from another chapter or made from the companies founder. This gives the Spartans much diversity. It ‘s this diversity that leads to rivalry and the competition to be the best.
Chiron is just like a large war zone for battles among the chapter.
The people of Chiron needed to find ways to protect them selves so 1 city (the 1 the battle takes place in) placed force field generators on all the buildings. With makes them almost in destructible or at least to the weapons mounted on the tanks or held by troops.

Also, for the most part non of the Spartan companies worship Chaos. And if they did it wouldn’t be slanesh.

Other than ur lack of understanding of the Spartans it sounds good.

Offline Abraxas

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Re:Introduction (FICTION) please reply with comments
« Reply #4 on: May 4, 2003, 02:23:50 PM »
HEY! I didn't make them Brian. >:(
The avalanche has started, it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
Ambassador Kosh

The universe is driven by the complex interaction between three ingredients: matter, energy, and enlightened self-interest.
Ambassador G'Kar


Offline Abraxas

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Re:Introduction (FICTION) please reply with comments
« Reply #5 on: May 4, 2003, 03:13:32 PM »
Sorry, but the final project will not be punished until next weekend. I am extremely busy. And grounded.  ::)Sorry.
The avalanche has started, it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
Ambassador Kosh

The universe is driven by the complex interaction between three ingredients: matter, energy, and enlightened self-interest.
Ambassador G'Kar


Offline Hive_Mind

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Re:Introduction (FICTION) please reply with comments
« Reply #6 on: May 5, 2003, 09:48:25 PM »
Daemon Hunters of the Machine

HQ                        Ws Bs S T W I A Ld Sv  Points Notes

Force Commander 5   5   4 4  3 5 3 10 2+ 125     Storm Bolter, Bionics, Power                  Weapon, Artificer Armour

Inquisitor Lord       5   4   3 3  3 5 3 10 3+ 105     Power weapon, Psycannon,                    Bionics, Scourging

     Familiar             3    3  3 3  1 3 1  8  6+   6       Close Combat Weapon

     Warrior             3   4  3 3  1 3 1   8  4+   20     Close Combat Weapon, Plasma Gun

Elites                  Ws Bs S T W I A Ld Sv Points Notes

Callidus Assassin 5   5  4 4 2 5 3 10 4+ 120      See Codex

                       Front Side Rear Bs S Ws I A Points Notes

Dreadnought 1   12    12    10    4   6  4   4 2 135     Missile Launcher, twin                          Lascannon

Dreadnought 2   12    12    10    4  10 4  4 2 115    Plasma Cannon, Dreadnought                       Close Combat Weapon w/ storm Bolter

Troops               Ws Bs S T W I A Ld Sv Points Notes

Tactical Squad 1  4   4  4 4 1 4  1  8 3+  135   1 Lascannon, 4 Bolters, 5 Bionics

     Sargent          4   4  4 4 1 4  1  8 3+            Close Combat Weapon, Bolt Pistol,                 Bionics

Tactical Squad 2  4  4  4 4 1 4  1  8 3+   135   1 Plasma Cannon, 4 Bolters, 5 Bionics

     Sargent           4  4  4 4 1 4  1  8 3+              Close Combat Weapon, Bolt Pistol,                   Bionics

Fast Attack                Front Side Rear Bs Points Notes

Land Speeder Tornado   10   10    10    4   100    Multi-Melta, Assault Cannon

Summary Total Points: 996


This Army use the Iron Hands Rules posted in WD #261

Offline Hive_Mind

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Re:Introduction (FICTION) please reply with comments
« Reply #7 on: May 5, 2003, 09:49:25 PM »
That is the Army the Elder were up aginst

 


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