News: No news is good news...

Login  |  Register

Author Topic: In the service of your god. Chapter one  (Read 851 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Tero Rogue Psyker

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 573
  • I'm not cute I'm a Grey knight! FEAR ME..please?
In the service of your god. Chapter one
« on: March 31, 2003, 07:56:00 PM »
  Chapter one- On easy street.

  Tetvren walked along the cobblestone street loungily. His lasgun slung over his shoulder as he laughed a little. He took another sip of water from his cantine, these were the good times it seemed.

 "Greetings Darius!" He said as he passed another Gaurdsmen.
 "May the Emperor guide you Tetvren!" Darius called over his shoulder as he walked by.

 Tetvren had been away from the front for a full week now, and life had been good. The cultists had been all but defeated, and with fresh rienforcements coming in from off-world this campaign seemed all but won. Indeed Tetvren thought to himself life was looking up.

 He looked around the street as he walked. It was a small suburb of the massive capitol city of the planet, he had forgotten the planets name. He wondered if he had actually ever been told it..

 Then the shrill sounding of the vox speakers activating sounded around the city.

 "Enemy forces have been spotted moving towards the city. Stay in your homes and may the Emperor shine his light upon you!" The vocie over the vox sounded distressed even worried.
 "How is that possible we should have this won by now.." Tetvren muttered to himself, it was at that point the prelimenary bombardment began to strike the city.

 Tetvren paniced forgetting all his duties he ran for cover. The sounds of the shells, he hadn't heard that for weeks. Ever since his platoon was sent to silence those guns.. Those infernal guns, they had killed dozens of his friends. Tetvren thought to himself panicked, he ducked under a waste receptical. He lay there shivering clutching his lasgun, the sound of the shells were too much for him. His mind drifted back to the ill-fated day..


  "GET DOWN GET DOWN!"
 "WATCH THE FIRE!"
  "CONTACT! CONTACT!"
  "FOR THE EMPEROR!"
 Tetvrus charged across the mud soaked no-mans land. He fired his lasgun in rapid bursts into the entrenched enemy force. They had caught the enemy by surprise, without their heavy weapons prepared. His platoon rushed over the enemy trench line, intent on destroying the artillary emplacement.
 "Tetvren take B-squad and silence the main guns." Ordered the crips calm Liutienent over the vox link. Tetvren then signalled for his men to follow him. They marched through the mud soaked trench, each with their Lasgun raised ready to fire.
 
 Then an abandoned helmet rolled off the top of the trench. The squad paniced believing it to be an enemy or wose some ferocious demon. They opened fire with their lasguns. Then a small concussive blast echoed through the trench as one gaurdsmen threw a grenade.
 "CEASE FIRE!" Screamed Tetvren, as he said that he scanned the sky, if the artillary had spotted them they would have mere moments to get into cover. Tetvren then shook his head a bit as he saw the empty skies. These cultists were to stupid to be able to pinpoint an explosion.

 Then the shelling began, men were left in the open as the artillary shells smashed into the trench work. Tetvren had been running the moment he had heard the shrill whining of artillery. He ran through the explosions until he came across a dug-put. He dove into it and lay there. Waiting, listening to the never-ceasing shelling. He heard the mens screams over the vox. Tetvren repeated a prayer to himself over and over until relief squads had moved into the section of the trench and recovered him...

 Tetvren's mind snapped into the present, he lay curled in a ball under the trash bin. Tears ran down his face as he looked at the street and listened to the shelling...


 "Get..down..Everybod y...down..." He muttered to himself...
I'm not very..um interesting..I just kinda post here..Go me

Offline Tero Rogue Psyker

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 573
  • I'm not cute I'm a Grey knight! FEAR ME..please?
Re: In the service of your god. Chapter one
« Reply #1 on: April 6, 2003, 07:45:12 PM »
 Please post your ideas.. I know your out there..*tap tap* hello?
I'm not very..um interesting..I just kinda post here..Go me

Offline Larandil

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 560
Re: In the service of your god. Chapter one
« Reply #2 on: April 7, 2003, 03:00:41 PM »
*shrugs* As you wish ...

A bit short, isn't it?

I see half a scene (Tetvren of the Imperial Guard, rank unknown, walking down a street), an interruption (an alarm and incoming artillery) and a flashback to a previous shelling. And that's it. What does your hero do?

All in all, that's not a chapter. Tell more of Tetvren - so far, I'm not "on your hook" to continue reading. I just don't care about your hero, and that is bad news to any writer.

The GW people give certain hints about how to write the type of story they'd print. One of these is: "Start with action." Consider starting your tale with the alarm sounding, guardsmen looking up from their conversation ... then the first explosions, the scream of incoming shells, everybody diving for cover. After this, maybe the flashback to the wipe-out of Tetvren's platoon would go deeper under the reader's skin.
« Last Edit: April 7, 2003, 03:42:49 PM by Larandil »
Too much Mon-Keigh business
for me to be involved in!

 


Powered by EzPortal