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Author Topic: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."  (Read 770 times)

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Offline Grand Master Lomandalis

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Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« on: April 13, 2020, 09:17:30 PM »
One of the joys of this global lock-down is I am finding myself with time to write again!  It's not much to begin with, but it's a start.  I'm not set on the title just yet, but I kinda like it.  It works for now lol.



The facility doors groaned loudly as they retracted into the mountain.  The wind howled through the growing gap, forcing everyone inside to pull their jackets tighter around them against the biting cold.  The gathered crowd waited until the thunderous echoes of the grinding mechanism faded into the stillness of the night.  One by one, they stepped forward out beyond the pale pools of light that glinted off the fresh snow, the silence broken by the quiet crunching beneath their feet.  They followed the lead of one man to the precipice overlooking the western slopes.

“Beautiful night,” whispered Richard as he stopped at the shoulder of the tall, slender man who led them.  Joshua glanced over his shoulder and nodded, the smile on his lips failing to mask the sadness behind his haunted eyes.

“Yes,” he replied, “Beautiful.”

Joshua stared into the night, his eyes following the contours of the mountain, the path of the river snaking through the forest as it led to the coast.  All of it lost to the darkness and being retraced by memory.  Continuing to the south, he took a deep breath and exhaled slowly as his gaze was drawn to the twinkling lights of the city sleeping at the foot of the mountain.  Two and a half million people living in the city, and not a single one knew of his work in the mountains.  If they had known about his work... well... they probably would have laughed at him.  His family laughed at the idea when he first mentioned that he wanted to make it into a reality 15 years ago.  The media laughed when he published his first paper on it 10 years ago.  The government laughed him out of the building when he asked for funding.  Everyone laughed, except for one.

*********

Ten years ago...

Walking across the tarmac was a new experience for Joshua.  The rare times he had to fly anywhere, he was always stuck in coach, crammed in the tiny seats with his knees up to his chin for hours on end.  Getting off those flights, you had to fight your way through dozens of people all trying to get off the plane at the same time; before staggering down the ramp, trying to remind your legs how to work properly.  This flight was a completely different experience. 

Instead of having his knees against his chin, he had leg room.  Instead of being crammed into a tiny space with dozens of people, he was the only one on the flight.  Instead of having crummy airplane food, they apparently had a gourmet chef cook him breakfast.  And instead of staggering down a ramp, he walked across the tarmac from the private jet to a waiting limousine.  The chauffeur greeted him, called him sir, and asked how his flight was as he took Joshua's luggage from numb, relenting hands.  Opening the door for Joshua, the chauffeur bowed hurriedly.

"I must apologize, sir.  I know you'd probably like to freshen up after your long flight, but Mr. Bauer wanted you brought to him as soon as your flight landed."

Mr. Bauer...

Just hearing the name spoken aloud made the whole experience more surreal than it already was.  Everything happened so quickly, Joshua still wasn't sure if this was a dream or not.  Six months ago, he published his paper.  Yesterday was his meeting with the Ministry of Scientific Development where he was laughed at.  By the time he got home and walked through his door, his phone was ringing.  When he answered the phone, he didn't even get a chance to say hello before the voice on the other end said, "They laughed at you, didn't they?"

After a ten minute conversation, Joshua was surprised to find himself agreeing to flying across the country to meet Mr. Bauer in person. 
« Last Edit: April 15, 2020, 05:06:12 PM by Grand Master Lomandalis »
If there is anything that recent politics has taught us, it is that quotes taken out of context can mean what ever you want them to.
Well I always liked the globals...
I knew I had fans!!!

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"Dark Angels are Traitors" is the 40k equivalent of Flat Earthers.  You can provide all of the proof you want that says otherwise, but people just can't let it go...

Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2020, 09:54:58 AM »
Hi GML,

I'm glad that you stopped by and shared your story with us. I like the bit of foreshadowing at the beginning, and am curious about the implications it may be suggesting.

I'm not much of a non-fiction reader outside of certain historical documentaries, etc. So I'm sure what feedback I can give outside of it's well written and intriguing so far.

Thanks for sharing!
“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
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Offline Alienscar

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2020, 10:21:12 AM »
As Myen'Tal says thanks for sharing.

As per the rules of this Board as you haven't asked for any feedback I will leave it at that.
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Offline Grand Master Lomandalis

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2020, 11:32:26 AM »
Hi GML,

I'm glad that you stopped by and shared your story with us. I like the bit of foreshadowing at the beginning, and am curious about the implications it may be suggesting.

I'm not much of a non-fiction reader outside of certain historical documentaries, etc. So I'm sure what feedback I can give outside of it's well written and intriguing so far.

Thanks for sharing!
It's not non-fiction, it's fiction that isn't 40k.

As Myen'Tal says thanks for sharing.

As per the rules of this Board as you haven't asked for any feedback I will leave it at that.
I'm always open for feedback.
If there is anything that recent politics has taught us, it is that quotes taken out of context can mean what ever you want them to.
Well I always liked the globals...
I knew I had fans!!!

Quote
"Dark Angels are Traitors" is the 40k equivalent of Flat Earthers.  You can provide all of the proof you want that says otherwise, but people just can't let it go...

Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2020, 11:46:50 AM »
Quote
It's not non-fiction, it's fiction that isn't 40k.

Sorry, I misread the title! :P
“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
― Glen Cook, The Black Company

Offline Alienscar

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #5 on: April 15, 2020, 06:10:56 AM »
One of the joys of this global lockdown is I am finding myself with time to write again!

From the little I have seen of it I like your writing. You write in a succinct manner that is engaging and easy to read. This story is no exception and in a few short paragraphs you have set up a story that is intriguing and leaves the reader wanting to learn more.

If you are interested I have a few thoughts about the content that you may or may not agree with.

The repetition of the words 'facility' and 'door/doors' slows the tempo of the opening paragraph as it tricks the reader into thinking they are reading the same thing over and over.

“Beautiful night,” whispered Richard as he stopped at the shoulder of the tall, slender man who lead them.


The word 'lead', when it isn't referring to the metal, is pronounced so that it rhymes with 'greed'. In your sentence the word should be 'led'.

Joshua glanced over his shoulder and nodded, his sad smile not reaching his eyes as he looked back towards the west.

Someones smile not reaching their eyes is an expression that normally means that the smiling person isn't being genuine. This means that I find your sentence confusing as I am not sure if Joshua is sad, or not.

Opening the door for Joshua, the chauffer bowed apologetically.

"I must apologize, sir.

Similar to 'door/doors' one 'apologetic' phrase would be enough. Also I struggle  to visualise a bow that portrays an apology.

I'm not set on the title just yet, but I kinda like it.  It works for now lol.

I agree that the title works for now as it resonates with the times we find ourselves in.

We all know that nothing good ever came from within a mountain stronghold that is fronted by a massive set of doors...

« Last Edit: April 16, 2020, 06:11:23 AM by Alienscar »
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Grand Master Lomandalis

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #6 on: April 15, 2020, 12:23:48 PM »
I appreciate the input, Alienscar.  I agree with everything that you've said.  Most of it was down to being the first draft, and not knowing exactly how to write something to get my idea across.  I've made adjustments to the original post, taking into account what you've mentioned.
If there is anything that recent politics has taught us, it is that quotes taken out of context can mean what ever you want them to.
Well I always liked the globals...
I knew I had fans!!!

Quote
"Dark Angels are Traitors" is the 40k equivalent of Flat Earthers.  You can provide all of the proof you want that says otherwise, but people just can't let it go...

Offline Alienscar

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2020, 06:09:24 AM »
I've made adjustments to the original post, taking into account what you've mentioned.

The adjustments have made a real difference to the feel of the story and the first paragraph is now a lot easier to read, and its pace is consistent and gripping.

Joshua glanced over his shoulder and nodded, the smile on his lips failing to mask the sadness behind his haunted eyes.

I particularly like this sentence as with a few words you have really given a reader something to ponder.

I am glad you picked up the incorrect spelling of 'gourmet' as it was driving me mad, but feedback isn't supposed to concentrate on simple errors.

I might be over thinking the whole thing, but I think you should have a look at the word 'laughed' that you use throughout the story. For one it is a bit overused, but more importantly I think it belittles the feel of the story.

If they had known about his work... well... they probably would have laughed at him. 

His family laughed at the idea when he first mentioned that he wanted to make it into a reality 15 years ago. 

The media laughed when he published his first paper on it 10 years ago. 

The government laughed him out of the building when he asked for funding. 

Everyone laughed, except for one.

When he answered the phone, he didn't even get a chance to say hello before the voice on the other end said, "They laughed at you, didn't they?"

Now that your first paragraph reads so well I find all the laughing to be a bit jarring.

Whilst I can only surmise that Joshua is sad and haunted because of his project if this is the case then the laughter seems out of place.

I think the media should 'mock' him and the government should have threatened to sack him, or something similar. 'Everyone' should ridicule him.

Laughing is such a physical activity that it is difficult to imagine a room full of government people laughing until someone leaves the building. Same with the media, as laughing is physical in nature I can't envisage how that works in the media.
 
« Last Edit: April 16, 2020, 11:17:09 AM by Alienscar »
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Grand Master Lomandalis

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2020, 01:08:45 AM »
I am glad you picked up the incorrect spelling of 'gourmet' as it was driving me mad, but feedback isn't supposed to concentrate on simple errors.
I'm too cheap to pay for MS Office, so am doing this in Wordpad, which doesn't have spellcheck.  Sometimes I don't catch the typos until I copy it over to here, and even then it might take a couple of read throughs.  It's funny how the human brain works when it comes to reading / writing lol.

I might be over thinking the whole thing, but I think you should have a look at the word 'laughed' that you use throughout the story. For one it is a bit overused, but more importantly I think it belittles the feel of the story.

Now that your first paragraph reads so well I find all the laughing to be a bit jarring.

Whilst I can only surmise that Joshua is sad and haunted because of his project if this is the case then the laughter seems out of place.

I think the media should 'mock' him and the government should have threatened to sack him, or something similar. 'Everyone' should ridicule him.

Laughing is such a physical activity that it is difficult to imagine a room full of government people laughing until someone leaves the building. Same with the media, as laughing is physical in nature I can't envisage how that works in the media.
I appreciate the feedback, but it was intentional to write it this way.  I had to look up the term for the method (because they always have specific terms lol), and it's called anaphora. 

Part of the downside of posting short snippets of the story like this is that you don't really get a grasp for where things are heading.  I'm hoping things become a little more clear why I chose to write it the way I did when I post an update.
If there is anything that recent politics has taught us, it is that quotes taken out of context can mean what ever you want them to.
Well I always liked the globals...
I knew I had fans!!!

Quote
"Dark Angels are Traitors" is the 40k equivalent of Flat Earthers.  You can provide all of the proof you want that says otherwise, but people just can't let it go...

Offline Alienscar

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2020, 08:08:58 AM »
I had to look up the term for the method (because they always have specific terms lol), and it's called anaphora.

Anaphora is more than just the repetition of words in a sentence though and its use is best suited to prose and speeches.

Anaphora describes an artistic effect that is created by the repetition of the first part of a sentence, it is not just the repetition of a word.

"We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight..."

The artistic intent here being to instill passion and patriotism in the listener.


Part of the downside of posting short snippets of the story like this is that you don't really get a grasp for where things are heading.  I'm hoping things become a little more clear why I chose to write it the way I did when I post an update.

You could be right about me not seeing the bigger picture, but I still think 'laughter' is the wrong word for any kind of artistic intent that you are trying to create.
« Last Edit: April 17, 2020, 08:40:22 AM by Alienscar »
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Grand Master Lomandalis

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2020, 01:33:52 PM »
Well, we must be reading that paragraph differently because it works well from my perspective. It's not something I'm going to change.
If there is anything that recent politics has taught us, it is that quotes taken out of context can mean what ever you want them to.
Well I always liked the globals...
I knew I had fans!!!

Quote
"Dark Angels are Traitors" is the 40k equivalent of Flat Earthers.  You can provide all of the proof you want that says otherwise, but people just can't let it go...

Offline Alienscar

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2020, 04:33:37 PM »
No worries GML as long as it works the way you intended that is all that matters. From my point of view, which doesn't really matter, it is just a minor distraction. I am sure I will forget all about it when/if you post more of the story.
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Dread

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #12 on: May 1, 2020, 08:26:20 PM »
So just read this and I find myself saying, "AND!" So short but intriguing, can't wait til the next.so....AND! ;D
"Burning thru the universe in search of peace only brings more war. Peace is an illusion, war is reality, that is the way of things"

                            Farseer Gol'Istria of    the Morea Nebula craftword

Offline Grand Master Lomandalis

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #13 on: May 2, 2020, 01:11:29 AM »
So just read this and I find myself saying, "AND!" So short but intriguing, can't wait til the next.so....AND! ;D
Hahahahaha, don't you just love stories that start off where you have no idea what the actual concept is?
If there is anything that recent politics has taught us, it is that quotes taken out of context can mean what ever you want them to.
Well I always liked the globals...
I knew I had fans!!!

Quote
"Dark Angels are Traitors" is the 40k equivalent of Flat Earthers.  You can provide all of the proof you want that says otherwise, but people just can't let it go...

Offline Dread

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Re: Non-40k fiction - "A Time for Peace."
« Reply #14 on: May 2, 2020, 02:45:18 AM »
 :) ;)AND :o YUP THAT HAPPENS FROM TIME TO TIME. LIKE WALKING IN AFTER THE MOVIE STARTS THEN LEAVING BEFORE THE END. Oops, forgot to turn caps lock off, heehee, not yelling, maybe. Not sorry, reeces. Haha!
"Burning thru the universe in search of peace only brings more war. Peace is an illusion, war is reality, that is the way of things"

                            Farseer Gol'Istria of    the Morea Nebula craftword

 


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