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Author Topic: Joke Thread!  (Read 55714 times)

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Offline Sheepz

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #140 on: December 19, 2008, 08:26:09 AM »
I was always under the impression jokes should be like a bout between a prize fighter and a young orphan. Short, brutal and rather amusing. Unfortunately I'm seeing a lot that look like dissertations in failure.

Offline Talon Undecided

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #141 on: December 28, 2008, 09:31:34 PM »
I was always under the impression jokes should be like a bout between a prize fighter and a young orphan. Short, brutal and rather amusing. Unfortunately I'm seeing a lot that look like dissertations in failure.
This. Is funny.
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Offline Thalandir

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #142 on: December 29, 2008, 03:35:23 AM »
How many non-marine players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Both of them!


Surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence, or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing, 'Hallelujah'? Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine...

Offline Unown Entity

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #143 on: December 31, 2008, 03:56:26 PM »
Five jokes:

1. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Who cares?

2. What do you get if you cross two shoes with a banana peel?

Who cares?

3. What is the answer to life, the Universe and everything?

Who cares?

4. Is someone eventually just gonna crack and go on a rampage, destroying everything in their path before finally falling off a cliff to their bloody deaths, only to be resurrected as a zombie to turn the entire earth into the zombie slaves of an all-powerful, god-like overlord?
 
Who cares?

5. Isn't the ultimate answer to any question, no matter how profound or cosmic, merely 'who cares'?

OMGWTFBBQLOLBRBG2GROFLMAO?

(Translation of the above sentence:'Who cares?')
I'm back, baybeh. And this time...
It's PERSONAL.

Offline Tyranid_Wannabe

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #144 on: December 31, 2008, 11:19:41 PM »
Alright seeing as this thread has hosted so many bad jokes, lets not fight it but go with the flow. I myself am going to tell the worst joke in the entire world.

There was once a balloon boy who lived in a balloon world. His mum was a balloon, his house was a balloon. The World was made out of balloons and so were the people.
Anyway one day he was banned from his balloon xbox for not doing his balloon homework. As he sat in school, he got so mad that he grabbed his balloon scissors and shoved them right into the school building. There was a great wooshhhh and the balloon school deflated. Well there was an uproar and the principal went up to the boy and began to tell him off and how he had been very naughty and bad. Well the boy was still angry so he once again grabbed his balloon scissors and stabbed the prinicipal. There was a great woooosh and the balloon prinicipal deflated. Then he ran home and locked himself in his room. Soon afterwards the police and his mum came to his room to ask him to come out. The balloon boy was so racked with guilt that he then picked up the scissors and stabbed himself. There was a great woosh and the balloon boy deflated. Much later the balloon boy woke up in hospital and there was the prinicipal standing beside his bedside.

"Son" he said "Not only have you let the school down, you've let me down but most importantly of all you've let yourself down"


Now excuse me people but due to my crimes against comedy I think my house is going to be napalmed. May you enjoy the worst joke that I know of  ;D
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Offline Unown Entity

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #145 on: January 3, 2009, 06:10:23 PM »
New joke! (sort of... :-\)


Chuck Norris and Mr T. walk into a bar...


The bar is instantly disintegrated. No building can hold that level of awesome in it.
I'm back, baybeh. And this time...
It's PERSONAL.

Offline Talon Undecided

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #146 on: January 4, 2009, 09:26:26 PM »
New joke! (sort of... :-\)


Chuck Norris and Mr T. walk into a bar...


The bar is instantly disintegrated. No building can hold that level of awesome in it.
You forgot Chicago Ted.
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Offline Mr. Dashington

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #147 on: January 10, 2009, 12:14:51 PM »


What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?
Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven.


Very old quote, but...I thought it was because you don't cum on a pizza before eating it


Some of these jokes are little inappropriate and might me modded out, idk, and so if you laugh at any of them you're probably a bad person like me


What's the difference between Madeline McCain and Madeline McCain jokes?
Madeline McCain won't get old

What do you call a Jewish dilemma?
Free ham

What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The windshield

What was Elvis' last hit?
The bathroom floor

signed, Mr.Dashington

Offline Starrakatt

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #148 on: January 11, 2009, 06:35:34 PM »
Okay, thanks col. ulysses.

It probably means I'm a bad man too...

   Starky

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Offline Unown Entity

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #149 on: January 12, 2009, 12:29:38 PM »
New joke! (sort of... :-\)


Chuck Norris and Mr T. walk into a bar...


The bar is instantly disintegrated. No building can hold that level of awesome in it.
You forgot Chicago Ted.

...who?

Also, another joke (otherwise this is spam):

guy1:Knock knock.
guy2:Who's there?
guy1:An interrupting starfish.
guy2:An interruptin-
guy1:*turns into starfish* Ah-woooooooooooooooooooo...
I'm back, baybeh. And this time...
It's PERSONAL.

Offline blinky jungle(REM)

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #150 on: February 2, 2009, 02:48:35 PM »



CUSTOMS OFFICER- Anything to declare, sirs?
AHRIMAN- Nope.
FABIUS- Nothing.
ABADDON- Nadda.
KHARN- We're all psychopathic followers of the Ruinous Powers, cunningly disguised so that we may slip past your feeble defences and be destruction and the apocalypse incarnate upon thy land.
*Long pause, Ahriman, Abaddon and Fabius all stare at Kharn*
AHRIMAN- What part of "don't speak and only breath enough to maintain consciousness" didn't you understand?
FABIUS- Knowing Kharn, I'd say all of it.
ABADDON- I'll have to go with Mr. Gene-Splice McSplicely on this one.
KHARN- Silly! Everyone knows that all true followers of honourable Khorne ALWAYS tell the truth!
AHRIMAN- Kharn, are you familiar with the term "justifiable homicide"?
KHARN- Refresh my memory.
ABADDON- We'd be happy to.
*Ahriman, Kharn and Abaddon all produce weapons and surround Kharn*
KHARN- I'm sensing some negativity here...

sorry for asking but is that a typo, or is Kharn an emo, or perhaps he just likes killing himself

EVIL LAUGH, I HAVE RUINED YOUR PERFECT CREATIONjavascript:void(0);

Also here is a joke

7 mice die and go up to heaven, after a week god asks
 "do you want anything" the mice reply
"it would be nice if we had rollerskates to move around faster." so god gives them rollerskates.
A cat dies and goes up to heaven after a week god asks the same thing e asked to the mice, the cat says.
"no I'm just fine with those meals on wheels you've been sending me"

YAY worst joke everjavascript:void(0);
« Last Edit: March 19, 2009, 01:21:10 PM by blinky jungle »
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Offline Yarrik

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #151 on: February 16, 2009, 12:28:38 AM »
Octopie would taste gross!  ;D
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Offline Bitter Old Man

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #152 on: March 30, 2009, 04:09:58 AM »
Recently the Polish army requisition bureau purchased 15,000 USA made septic tanks. As soon as they have learned how to drive them, Poland intends to invade Russia.

(No offense to anyone polish intended.)
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Offline The Procrastinator

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #153 on: March 30, 2009, 04:48:11 AM »
Chuck norris doesn't do push ups, he does world downs.  8)

cheers

Offline Cortez

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #154 on: April 20, 2009, 03:33:31 AM »
3 blondes walk into a bar.

You think the third one would have ducked.
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Offline NewHeretic

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #155 on: May 22, 2009, 06:41:00 PM »
Sorry if I'm repeating a joke, but only had time to get throught the first three pages of this thread.  Will catch up later.  Please enjoy these:

Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one;
Michael J. Fox's is rather small;
Mickey Mouse has a somewhat unusual one;
Liberachi never uses his;
Bill Clinton uses his all the time;
Madonna doesn't have one.

What is it?

  A string walks into a bar.  The bartender snarls at him, "We don't serve strings in here!"  Furious, the string steps outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair, and calmly walks back into the bar.
  Suspiciously, the bartender says to the string, "Aren't you a string?"  To which the string indignantly replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Q:  How do you make Holy Water?
A:  You boil the hell out of it.

Q:  What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant coming?
A:  Here comes the elephant.
Q:  Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A:  So they can hide in cherry trees between 2:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon.
Q:  What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A:  An elephant is grey and a plum is purple.
Q:  Why are pigmies so short?
A:  Because they stand under the cherry trees between 2:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon.
Q:  What did Jane say when she saw the elephant coming?
A:  Here comes the plum.  She was color-blind, y' know.

Q:  How do you catch a polar bear?
A:  You cut a hole in the ice and surround the circle with peas.  Now, run and hide, watching from a safe distance.  When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.

Q:  What kind of cheese isn't your?
A:  Nacho cheese.

Three blondes walk into a bar.  Their brunette friend ducks.

A blonde was walking along the side of a river when she sees another blonde walking toward her on the opposite side.  The first blonde yells to the second blonde, "How do you get to the other side?"  The second blonde yells back, "You are on the other side."

NewHeretic

Edited for spelling.  NH
« Last Edit: June 2, 2009, 03:31:52 PM by NewHeretic »
Good advice from Joshua:

Choose you this day
Whom you will serve...
As for me and my house,
We will serve the Lord.

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Offline Awfully Dandy

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #156 on: May 23, 2009, 03:22:42 PM »
I came up with this. NB may cause offence.

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender: "why the long face?
Horse : "I have cancer"

Offline Sir_Godspeed

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #157 on: May 27, 2009, 09:03:07 AM »
Sorry if I'm repeating a joke, but only had time to get throught the first three pages of this thread.  Will catch up later.  Please enjoy these:

Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one;
Michael J. Fox's is rather small;
Mickey Mouse has a somewhat unusual one;
Liberachi never uses his;
Bill Clinton uses his all the time;
Madonna doesn't have one.

What is it?

Last name. :)

A man was going to church one day and asked his friend, who had not been to church in a long time to accompany him. After some back and forth, the friend decided to go with him.
While in church, the priest approaches him;
"My son, why don't you ever come her anymore? Aren't you a part of the Lord's army?"
The man smiles and answers; "Oh, but I am, father."
"Oh, howso?" the priest asks.
The man looks around, then leans closer and whispers;
"I'm in the secret service, father."

:P

Offline Archaon

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #158 on: May 27, 2009, 11:46:21 AM »
A couple of bad jokes I heard. I may be repeating a previous one but I couldn't be bothered to read back further than last year...  ;D

Why cant necrons play music in church?
Cos they don't have any organs!

Why can't necrons smile?
Cos they're dead serious!

Why are graveyards so noisy?
Becuase there are necrons coming up out of the ground and eviscerating people with their gauss weapons.....   yeah....
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Offline NewHeretic

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #159 on: May 29, 2009, 06:04:36 PM »
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one;
Michael J. Fox's is rather small;
Mickey Mouse has a somewhat unusual one;
Liberachi never uses his;
Bill Clinton uses his all the time;
Madonna doesn't have one.

What is it?

Last name. :)

Very good, Sir_Godspeed.  :)

Here's another:

What is greater than God,
More Evil than the Devil,
Rich people need it,
Poor people have it,
And, if you eat it, it will kill you?

Note, more 5 year-olds answer this question correctly than do adults.  ;)

NewHeretic
Good advice from Joshua:

Choose you this day
Whom you will serve...
As for me and my house,
We will serve the Lord.

NewHeretic, forum policeman.

 


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