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Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #120 on: July 11, 2008, 06:47:51 PM »
Part three's FINALLY here, with mayhem galore!
When we last left our anti-heroes, the Rivals were planning to spend the vast amount of money that they had gained (thanks to Kharn's utterly grotesque stupidity) on a two-week holiday in Merrye Olde Londone! But they are not alone...

*Gatwick airport. The plane has just landed, and, bleary-eyed, the Rivals stumble through Arrivals*
ARGRATH- Urgh, that flight was terrible.
GABRIEL- Indeed it was. Especially since that airline food mutated into Chaos Spawn.
TZAPHIEL- No. It didn't. It just looks that way all the time.
GABRIEL- That would explain a great deal.
ARGRATH- *looking around* Hey, where's Dasleah?
TZAPHIEL- *shrugs* I dunno. I think he just... faded away...
GABRIEL- You kicked him out of the plane!
TZAPHIEL- Now is not the time for accusations Gabe. Now is the time for bloody mayhem as we try and retrieve our luggage. Besides, Dasleah left on his own accord.
ARGRATH- At least, that's what we have to assume, as someone had mysteriously drugged him...
TZAPHIEL- Yessirree, a really dilly of a pickle of a mystery that. What dastardly cad could have drugged Dasleah and then kicked him out a plane?
*Long pause*
GABRIEL- No idea.
TZAPHIEL- Heh heh... suckers...
GABRIEL- Did you say something?
TZAPHIEL- I don't know, did you?
TZAPHIEL- Ah-hah, denying it now, are we?
GABRIEL- What are you talking about!?
TZAPHIEL- You tell me!
ARGRATH- Oh for Mortarion's sake... *he vomits over the two Word Bearers and a dozen travellers. Ignoring the agonised screams of dying Japanese businessmen, Argrath wheels the trolley off, muttering about how soon the whole world shall burn in his evil*

*Meanwhile, following the Rivals, the Traitors appear, wearing dark glasses and fake moustaches.*
ABADDON- Ah-hah! These disguises are so cunning, our rivals have not spotted us!
AHRIMAN- One of my better cunning plans, I believe.
KHARN- I think there's a scorpion in this fake 'tache...
ABADDON- Silence Kharn! And don't mess up my spare armour!
*Kharn, after selling his Chaos armour to the Rivals, is now wearing Abaddon's spare suit of Terminator armour; it is matt-black and peeling in areas*
KHARN- How can I mess it up? This thing's got a black basecoat! That's it!
ABADDON- It's my spare. That's why I don't need to have it painted, shaded, highlighted and drybrushed, you silly goose.
*Long pause*
FABIUS- Did you just say "silly goose"?
ABADDON- O-of course not! Wh-what makes you say that? Only "those types" say silly goose...
AHRIMAN- We believe you, fruity.
ABADDON- Hey, take that back!
FABIUS- Oh, now you're just being catty.
ABADDON- Shut up and hurry up. I don't want to lose sight of our rivals.
FABIUS- Rooow, hiss, hiss!
*They run off in pursuit of the Rivals*

CUSTOMS OFFICER- Anything to declare, sirs?
TZAPHIEL- Only my utter devotion to Chaos Undivided and the exalted glory of Lorgar.
ARGRATH- Honestly, would you want to search me even I declared I was carrying some sort of illegal substances?
*The customs officer pales and fails*
TZAPHIEL- Let's mosey, homies.
GABRIEL- Don't speak like that. It sickens me.
ARGRATH- That's what you said when I decided to make a name for myself in the fragrance industry.
GABRIEL- Precisely my point.
TZAPHIEL- Besides, you couldn't make a profit with a perfume that's also a potential bio-hazard.
ARGRATH- There's nothing "potential" about it!
GABRIEL- That's what all those buyers would say... if their vocal cords hadn't bubbled away upon inhaling the stuff.
ARGRATH- And don't forget about the jaundice!
TZAPHIEL- *walking off* Oh, Eye forbid if we forget about your precious jaundice...
ARGRATH- Are you being sarcastic?
TZAPHIEL- *heavily sarcastic and elongated* Noooo!
*Rivals leave, Traitors sneak in. Customs officer has recovered*
CUSTOMS OFFICER- Anything to declare, sirs?
FABIUS- Nothing.
KHARN- We're all psychopathic followers of the Ruinous Powers, cunningly disguised so that we may slip past your feeble defences and be destruction and the apocalypse incarnate upon thy land.
*Long pause, Ahriman, Abaddon and Fabius all stare at Kharn*
AHRIMAN- What part of "don't speak and only breath enough to maintain consciousness" didn't you understand?
FABIUS- Knowing Kharn, I'd say all of it.
ABADDON- I'll have to go with Mr. Gene-Splice McSplicely on this one.
KHARN- Silly! Everyone knows that all true followers of honourable Khorne ALWAYS tell the truth!
AHRIMAN- Kharn, are you familiar with the term "justifiable homicide"?
KHARN- Refresh my memory.
ABADDON- We'd be happy to.
*Ahriman, Kharn and Abaddon all produce weapons and surround Kharn*
KHARN- I'm sensing some negativity here...
*Back to the Rivals, walking to collect luggage*
TZAPHIEL- It's down here to collect the luggage, right?
ARGRATH- Did you guys hear something?
TZAPHIEL- Not really.
GABRIEL- *unlimbering accursed crozius* Right, who's ready for the luggage press?
ARGRATH- *readying plague scythe* Count me in!
TZAPHIEL- *unsheathing power sword* I wish it didn't always have to end in slaughtering civilians just to retrieve our suitcases... but, meh, whaddya gonna do?
*They walk off*
KHARN- *off-scene, quiet* Ribs... crushed... lungs... squashed... spleen... burst... self-narration... becoming annoying...
*The Rivals emerge from airport exit, drenched in blood*
ARGRATH- That was a rather successful luggage press, I feel.
GABRIEL- Do you think that, one of these days, slaughtering innocent civilians is gonna get boring?
*Long silence*
ALL- Nah!
TZAPHIEL- Well, our taxi should be here soon...
*There is a toot to their left. They all turn to see a customised drag-Rhino, painted in Word Bearer crimson*
TZAPHIEL- Ah, here we are...
GABRIEL- The Eulogy is our taxi? Who's driving?
*Berial leans out of the window*
BERIAL- Where to, guv'?
*Tzaphiel and Gabriel load their luggage and get in. Argrath follows slowly, muttering*
ARGRATH- Great, ANOTHER Word Bearer for me to attempt to kill... wherefore art thou, Dasleah and Kenshin?
TZAPHIEL- Argy, quit your belly-aching and get in!
ARGRATH- Are there any air-fresheners in there?
GABRIEL- Nope. Just good ol' fashioned Chaos incense burners.
ARGRATH- ... Very well then.
*He climbs in and the Eulogy pulls out. The Traitors emerge, dragging Kharn behind them*
FABIUS- They're getting away!
AHRIMAN- Curses!
ABADDON- Looks like we're well and truly nutmegged.
*Fabius and Ahriman turn to look at Abaddon. Long silence.*
ABADDON- What? Is there something on my face...?
FABIUS- "Nutmegged"?
AHRIMAN- Forget it you two. We have to catch up with them!
FABIUS- How else are we gonna keep this story going otherwise?
ABADDON- Point. But how are we gonna catch up? We haven't got a car!
FABIUS- Wait, lemme try... *he sticks a big foam thumb-up hand on the end of the Chirurgeon's arms and attempts to hitch-hike* Taxi!
ABADDON- It's not working.
AHRIMAN- Don't worry lads. I got an idea...
*The Italian Job's soundtrack spontaneously starts and then stops*
FABIUS- And what pray tell, would that be?
AHRIMAN- Just a little something I like to call... *he grabs Kharn and throws him into the road* A SPEED BUMP!
KHARN- Aw hell...
*Kharn lands in the middle of the road and lies there groaning. A taxi stops just before hitting him.*
ABADDON- *charging forward* Follow that drag-Rhino!
TAXI DRIVER- Righto guv'.
*Before getting into the taxi, Fabius turns to Ahriman*
FABIUS- That was a great plan Ahriman, using Kharn to stop this taxi!
AHRIMAN- Thanks... though it's better when it works, aka, when he becomes road-kill.
KHARN- *staggering to his feet, bleeding profusely from several locations* Excuse me, but I'm in desperate need of medical attention here...
AHRIMAN- Oh be-atch, be-atch, be-atch. Get in, moany.
*Ahriman bundles Kharn into the boot before the taxi drives off in pursuit of the Eulogy.*

*The Eulogy tears down the road, the taxi in close pursuit*
BERIAL- *checking wing-mirror* We got company, lads.
ARGRATH- It undoubtedly our rivals!
GABRIEL- Don't you mean Traitors? Cos... y'know... WE'RE the Rivals...
ARGRATH- Must you contradict everything I say?
GABRIEL- I don't contradict everything you say!
ARGRATH- You just did it again!
GABRIEL- No I didn't!
BERIAL- Can I just say that having a blazing row isn't gonna help us get our pursuers off our asses?
GABRIEL- *Cunning* Or will it?
*Long pause*
ARGRATH- No. What do we do, Tzaphiel?
*He looks over to Tzaphiel, who is sitting listening to music with earphones in*
TZAPHIEL- *Singing* Show me how you want it to be, tell me baby, 'cos I need to know now, because...
ARGRATH- Tzaph...
TZAPHIEL- *Still singing* My loneliness, is killin' me... and I... I must confess, I still believe, when I'm not with you, I lose my mind... give me a sign...
ARGRATH- As you ask... *smacks Tzaph in the face*
TZAPHIEL- *staggering* Ah dammit!
ARGRATH- It was for your own good. Obviously, some sort of malign warp entity had possessed you.
TZAPHIEL- *sideways glance* Errr... yeah... obviously... a, er... warp, er, thingy. Of course... ha-ha... not Britney Spears... sweet Lorgar, of course not...
GABRIEL- *sitting back, utterly deadpan* Every time we think he's hit rock bottom, someone's always thrown him a shovel.
BERIAL- Tzaph, the Traitors are chasing us.
TZAPHIEL- Oh, they are now, are they? *Withdraws plasma pistol* I'll teach them a lesson!
*Tzaphiel leans out of the window*
*He throws the plasma pistol at the taxi*
BERIAL- You THREW your plasma pistol?
GABRIEL- That was our only gun!
TZAPHIEL- Well then, what's this then, eh? *producing something from his holster*
ARGRATH- That's a box of aspirin.
TZAPHIEL- ..... Well, drat.

*Meanwhile, back in the taxi*
FABIUS- Drive faster, accursed flesh-thing!
TAXI DRIVER- So as I was sayin', that's when I 'ad me bunions removed. Course, it were painful an' all, seein' as I 'ad it done wiv yer common garden rake...
AHRIMAN- Ah, I can almost smell victory! Muahahahahahahaha!!!
TAXI DRIVER- Beg yer pudden mate, but that ain't yer precious victory, just me ol' gut workin' me lunch through... well, bugger me, chicken always gives me gas... *offensive flatulent sound* Cor lumme, watch yerselves, that un's a proper guffer an' no mistake...
ABADDON- *praying* Look, I'm sorry about all those Black Crusades. Just get me out of this and I promise I won't launch any more unholy crusades into the False Imperium anymore...
TAXI DRIVER- *craning forward* 'Ere, what's that nutter doin'?
FABIUS- Looks like he's leaning out of the window... and throwing something!
AHRIMAN- Sweet Tzeentch, look out!
*Tzaphiel's plasma pistol smashes through the windscreen and lands in Abaddon's lap*
ABADDON- Well, this is certainly an awkward position...
*The plasma pistols start to spasm and fires on full-auto, spraying the inside of the cab with plasma fire*
AHRIMAN- Aaaaah!!! It's mighty AP of 2 cuts through my pitiful 3+ Save! Aaaargh!!!
FABIUS- Aaaaargh!!! 4+ Invulnerable Save... provided by Chirurgeon... ineffective... ARGH!!!
ABADDON- Sweet jeebus, it hurts!
KHARN- *muffled voice from boot* When in Rome... ARRRGH!!! The pain! The incredibly painful... err... PAIN!!! AAAARGH!!!
TAXI DRIVER- *spinning the wheel* If it's alright wiv you gents, I was goin' to frow the car into a rather cinematic spin, before the 'ole blummy fing tips over an' rolls to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal an' fire.
FABIUS- That would be fine.
AHRIMAN- Yep. Go for it.
ABADDON- Could we have the engine exploding for no particular reason as well?
TAXI DRIVER- Don't see why not. Right, steady yerselves gents. An' if I was you, I'd scream an' yell randomly as well. It 'elps.
*The Traitors all agree.*
KHARN- *muffled from the boot* What's going on? Guys? Guys...?

*Back in the Eulogy*
ARGRATH- Look, Tzaphiel's "plan", and I use that term in it's loosest sense, seems to have done something!
GABRIEL- Wow, look at all that random plasma fire punching through the car.
ARGRATH- Hey, that was a nice cinematic spin there.
GABRIEL- And look, the thing seems to have tipped over and rolled to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal and fire!
ARGRATH- And that's some nice random screaming and yelling there as well.
GABRIEL- Yeah, it helps.
ARGRATH- Whoa, looks like the engine's exploded for no particular reason as well!
TZAPHIEL- All according to plan! Hah-hah! Now Berial! Drive! Drive I say!
BERIAL- I'm not even half a metre away from you... you don't have to shout...
*The Eulogy drives off towards London*

*Back with the crashed taxi. Fabius, Ahriman, Abaddon and the Driver are all standing looking at the wreck*
ABADDON- I have to admit, that WAS nice cinematic spin.
AHRIMAN- And it was pretty cool when the car tipped over and rolled to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal and fire.
FABIUS- Yeah, and all that random screaming and yelling really helped.
ABADDON- And look, the engine exploded for no particular reason after all!
TAXI DRIVER- Well, that was me crash fer a long time! Nice doin' business wiv you gents. Oh, an' if you want to catch up wiv yer Rivals, yer'd better start 'oofin' it, sharpish.
AHRIMAN- Right guys, let's go.
*They walk off.*
TAXI DRIVER- What a nice bunch of gents.
*He walks off in the opposite direction.*
KHARN- *muffled from within the wreck* Hello? Hello!? Is anyone there? I'm in an ungodly amount of pain... I think, I think... yes, yes, there is a metre-long metal bar through my leg... hello? Hello? Could someone please call an ambulance, because I can't emphasise how much pain I'm in... okay... I'll try and claw my way out... *snap of bone* Aaargh! My hand has bent the wrong way, so I'll try with the other hand... *snap of bone* Aaaargh! Okay, now both my hands are broken and bleeding... the blood is tinged with green... I don't think that's a good sign. Hello? I really could use some medical aid here... hello? Someone? I don't mean to rush, but I can feel my consciousness fading here... anyone?
Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #121 on: July 11, 2008, 06:48:37 PM »
Part Four people!

*The Eulogy is parked outside a hotel. Inside, the Rivals are taking breakfast. Berial has tagged along for no real reason*
WAITER- What can I get for you sirs?
ARGRATH- Coffee, flesh-blister. And hurry! I am in desperate need of caffeine...
ARGRATH- When you get to my ripe old age, you simply NEED it.
BERIAL- Not us though!
ARGRATH- Curse your youth...
WAITER- How would you like it sir?
ARGRATH- *exasperated sigh* So black that I have to chew before swallowing. Okay?
WAITER- Errr... okay sir, I think we can manage that... *turns to Gabriel* And sir?
GABRIEL- Strong monkish ale. With added zeal, if possible. I likes me mah zeal.
*Waiter scribbles down on notepad.*
WAITER- Righto. And you two?
BERIAL- Got any foul, raw bubbling warp essence?
WAITER- *shrugs* I believe we have some Bovril in the back.
BERIAL- That'll do.
WAITER- He's currently staying at the Ritz sir, not here. Anything-
TZAPHIEL- Orange... juice...
WAITER- Ah, gotcha. Okay gents, I'll be right back.
*Waiter leaves*
GABRIEL- Well, here we are, in Merrye Olde Englande! Lande ofe endinge everye worde withe ane ee!
ARGRATH- Yay, whoopy, never been there before. Only live here, s'all.
BERIAL- Same here.
GABRIEL- Well, I'm looking forward to it!
TZAPHIEL- In the name of all the Hells, why!?
ARGRATH- If you say it's because you want to see the Queen, we'll redefine your world as living PAIN...
GABRIEL- In all honesty, I want to go to the Tower of London.
TZAPHIEL- To destroy the Crown Jewels?
BERIAL- Drop the destructive urge or your fixin' to get YOUR Crown Jewels destroyed.
TZAPHIEL- You and what army of arch-fiends, chump boy?
*Berial and Tzaphiel growl pathetically at each other. Argrath sighs and seperates them with a sweep of his massive decaying arm*
ARGRATH- Sure, why not? Tower of London sounds okay for a day out.
TZAPHIEL- And Westminster Abbey? How about there too?
ARGRATH- Do you promise not to summon Daemons while in there?
GABRIEL- Yeah, like when we went to Notre Dame. I mean, I've seen some pretty messy carnage in my infernal life, but sheesh...
TZAPHIEL- What exactly is wrong with Daemonettes cavorting with each other in hedonistic lust-rituals in... in the... the... *he trails off as pleasant mental images come to mind*
*Tzaphiel burbles incoherently for at least a quarter of an hour, to silent and worried stares. There are occassional audible snatches of sentences including nipples, tongues and the interesting alternative uses for chocolate fudge sauce*
BERIAL- *eventually* Tzaph!
TZAPHIEL- Oh, sorry. *pause* We were talking about Daemonettes?
ARGRATH- That was ten minutes ago!
TZAPHIEL- My bad. So, can we? Can we go to Westminster, pleeeeeeeease?
GABRIEL- Will denying you result in you doing those damned Chaos Hound eyes?
TZAPHIEL- Oh, most definitely.
ARGRATH- Fine, we'll go to the Tower of London AND Westminster. Fetid tapdancing Nurgle, this is why I don't hang out with you damn Undivided peons...
BERIAL- We'll probably need to use the Ancient Labyrinth Caverns of Eternal Depressing Gloom and Nauseous Stench.
TZAPHIEL- The London Underground?
BERIAL- Bingo.
GABRIEL- Well, let's eat and then move.
ARGRATH- Sounds good.
*Argrath inhales several plates of food. The three Word Bearers do likewise*

*Meanwhile, a couple of tables away, the Traitors sit, eating breakfast and crouching low in their seats in an attempt to remain unseen*
FABIUS- *through a mouthful of toast* Do you think they've seen us?
AHRIMAN- *buttering a coissant* Do not be foolish! My spell of invisibility has us cloaked, veiled in an impenetrable shroud of shadows and illusion! *munches, with his mouth full* They could not detect us even if we were a metre away from them!

*Back with the Rivals*
GABRIEL- *without looking up from the menu* Guys, the Traitors are over there.
TZAPHIEL, ARGRATH, BERIAL- *in unison, without looking up* We know.

*Back with the Traitors! Whoo-hah! Crazy scene changes abundant I say!*
ABADDON- I think I heard where they're planning to go!
KHARN- Really? Where?
ABADDON- I think they're going to go to the Tower of London, and Westminster Abbey.
AHRIMAN- But which one first?
ABADDON- I dunno. We should split into teams. Ahriman, you're with me. Fabius...
FABIUS- Aw poo.
ABADDON- Aw poo indeed. You're with Kharn.
KHARN- *in a full bodycast after his misfortune with the taxi* Oh, goody!
FABIUS- Oh, god.
ABADDON- Don't worry guys, I'll give a couple of friends a ring... *he produces a Chaos mobile phone, complete with spikes and poly-daemonic ringtone* Hehehe... hahahaha... muahaha... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*Fabius and Ahriman shift back slightly*
AHRIMAN- Is he okay?
FABIUS- I don't really wanna know.

*The Rivals are outside the hotel, planning what to do*
ARGRATH- Well, I want to go to the Tower first.
TZAPHIEL- But I wanna go to Westminster Abbey!
BERIAL- I'm not picky.
GABRIEL- Me either.
ARGRATH- Tell you what; Berial and I will go to the Tower. Tzaph, you and Gabe go to Westminster. Then we'll meet outside the Houses of Parliament, or something.
TZAPHIEL- Sounds rockin'. Gabe, let's go.
GABRIEL- Oh, yes, "master"...
*The Rivals wander off. The Traitors pop up from behind a conveniently placed bush*
ABADDON- Fabius, you and Kharn go after Tzaphiel and Gabriel. Ahriman and I will follow Argrath and Berial. Remember, you'll meet up with your contact at the Tower.
FABIUS- Muahahaha, he shall be the death of them both!
ABADDON- Yes, quite. Ahriman!
ABADDON- Onward!
*Abaddon and Ahriman dramatically leap after Argrath and Berial. Fabius, wheeling Kharn in a wheelchair, trundle after Tzaphiel and Gabriel*

*Meanwhile, on the bottom of the sea...*
*A mysterious figure shifts on the seabed. They are shrouded in the inky blackness of the depths of the ocean, and stagger to their feet*
MYSTERY FIGURE- Urgh... limbs *gasp* smashed... lungs *gasp* squashed... slight headache... spleen... still unaccounted for... can't keep *urgh* describing symptoms... must regain strength... must regain... POWER!!!
*Mystery figure rises from the ocean in a coruscating halo of dark light and malign Chaos energy*
*pauses to read a nearby signpost*
*Random old couple look towards the darkling figure*
OLD WOMAN- Who do you think that is, 'Arold?
OLD MAN- Dunno Mabel... looks like one of them Chaos Warlords of Nurgle, or somesuch.
OLD WOMAN- Ooo, I don't like those Chaos Warlords... always killin' and spreading unholy disease. Our Trisha had a spot of bother with one of 'em only the other week, and she said...
OLD WOMAN- Politeness don't cost nothin', young man. Now apologise!
OLD WOMAN- Well I never!
OLD MAN- 'Ere, now look 'ere...
OLD WOMAN- What's the magic word?
OLD WOMAN- Unless I hear a "please", we ain't telling you nothin'.
OLD WOMAN- That's better. Didn't hurt, did it?
*long pause*
OLD WOMAN- Would you like a sticky bandage?
OLD MAN- *gesturing vaguely over his shoulder* 'Coupla miles that way.
OLD WOMAN- You don't have to shout, we're right here.
MYSTERY FIGURE- *faltering* ERR... IT IS MORE... DRAMATIC!!! *pause* ... or something.
OLD MAN- Never 'eard so much shouting in all me life.
OLD WOMAN- Tsk, Chaos Warlords these days. Just a bunch of noisy hooligans!
OLD MAN- No respect!
OLD WOMAN- Our generation was better!
OLD MAN- Back in my day...
OLD WOMAN- I remember when...
*long pause*
OLD WOMAN- What did he say his name was?
OLD MAN- I think he said Daniel.
OLD WOMAN- Well, I didn't vote for 'im.
*With a scream of rage, Dasleah slays the old couple and flies towards London*
DASLEAH- God, I'm good at this.

*Back with Tzaphiel and Gabriel, at Westminster Abbey*
GABRIEL- This is the place. Pretty nice.
TZAPHIEL- Indeed it is... indeed it is. A beautiful structure with a long and proud history, embodying faith, duty, and honour.
*long pause*
TZAPHIEL- Well, no time like the present. Gabe, pass me my Hymns of Pandemonium.
GABRIEL- *handing over a huge book* I thought you'd never ask.
TZAPHIEL- *flipping through the book* Let's see... what to summon... Catastrophes... Daemonettes... Desires... Elementals... Enigmas... Fiends... Flamers... Flesh Hounds... *mutter* a friggin' index would have been nice... *brightens up* ah, here we go... Furies.
GABRIEL- Hallejulah.
TZAPHIEL- Hallejulah indeed. Now then... I'll need a blood sacrifice...
GABRIEL- *grabbing a nearby civilian and messily tearing him in half* Check.
TZAPHIEL- ... And an Icon to summon them to.
GABRIEL- *producing a big novelty foam hand declaring that "Furies Are #1!"* Check.
*Tzaphiel puts on the big novelty foam hand and begins the summoning ritual*
TZAPHIEL- Uuz'bhed'urruu Rghao'vsoouz'nrua...
GABRIEL- Do we HAVE to use Furies to destroy Westminster? I mean, I have krak grenades...
TZAPHIEL- Where's the fun- and effectiveness- in that? Furies are ten gallons of ass-kicking in a five gallon jug, yo'.
GABRIEL- Point taken. So make with the sacrilege!
TZAPHIEL- You made me lose my place!
MYSTERY VOICE 1- That's not all you'll lose!
MYSTERY VOICE- 2- Indeed, for a great deal more than your place will be lost!
MYSTERY VOICE 1- Yeah! Like your life! Muahahahaha!
TZAPHIEL- Who's that?
GABRIEL- I dunno... but they're good.
*Fabius wheels Kharn out from behind a pillar*
FABIUS- Thought you could escape us, eh?
TZAPHIEL- *shrugs* Owing to your utterly grotesque incompetence... yeah.
FABIUS- Well, you were wrong!
KHARN- DEAD wrong!
GABRIEL- Damn, they're really good.
TZAPHIEL- Yeah, they're really good... at being losers!
MYSTERY VOICE 3- As amusing as I find all this witty banter...
GABRIEL- Yeah! As amusing as you being a loser!
FABIUS- Damn, they're stealing our bit...
KHARN- Why I oughta...
TZAPHIEL- Oughta what? Not be a loser?
MYSTERY VOICE 3- If I hear one more "witty" phrase that would often be associated with either pro-wrestling or a cheerleader's hissy-fit, there's gonna be a whole lotta pain... *pause* for you.
TZAPHIEL- Then show thyself!
*The owner of Mystery Voice 3 steps out of hiding to reveal himself...*
TZAPHIEL- You don't have to say "dum dum DUUUM"... it's implied.
GABRIEL- Phooey.
*The owner of Mystery Voice 3 is... Typhus! He seems different from before... he has a crapload of bionics and augmetic limbs*
TZAPHIEL- It's Typhus!
GABRIEL- I thought you died during the Eye of Terror campaign!
TYPHUS- Nay, I was but grievously wounded. But my devout followers rebuilt me with bionics and strengthened my body! Now I am stronger than ever! Half Typhus, half android! HENCEFORTH, I SHALL BE KNOWN AS... TYPHOID!!!
*long loaded pause*
*Tzaph and Gabe suppress a snigger*
GABRIEL- Laaaame...
TZAPHIEL- Typhoid? Pssh, I think I hear Influenza calling.
TYPHOID- You leave my mother out of this!
GABRIEL- *unlimbering accursed crozius* Don't sing it, bring it, mamma's boy.
FABIUS- *readying Rod of Torment* Bile shall whoop your ass Bile-tastically.
TZAPHIEL- *unsheathing Dark Blade* Hope you have a good doctor, 'cos I'm about to put the hurt on.
KHARN- *flailing IV tubes in a threatening manner* IT'S THWACKY TIME!!!
TYPHOID- Oh for Heaven's sake... if I wanted to hear stuff like this, I would have stayed at home and watched a pseudo-sport, like professional wrestling or Foxy Boxing. But, pain is pain... *readies Manreaper*
*The five close in on each other, ready to strike, when suddenly!*
TZAPHIEL- For the last time, it's implied!
GABRIEL- Don't harsh my buzz, square.
*Anyway... suddenly, a menacing winged figure flashes past, and settles on a nearby low wall*
MYSTERY FIGURE- *pointing to Tzaphiel* YOU!!! TZAPHIEL!!! NOW YOU DIE!!!
TZAPHIEL- I'm not Tzaphiel! Errr... *pointing to Gabriel* He is!
GABRIEL- Hey, ass!
TZAPHIEL- I'm just trying to divert daemonic rage onto you... geez... why can't you be a team player for once?
TZAPHIEL- ... You said "banal"... right?
TZAPHIEL- God, that's a relief...
TZAPHIEL- 'Cos, y'know, that would just be nasty otherwise...
TZAPHIEL- I mean, you probably wouldn't be the only one who'd get tired of it... I'd be downright annoyed...
GABRIEL- Isn't it kind of contradictory to shout "silence"?
MYSTERY FIGURE- ENOUGH!!! *huge eruption of dark energy and light* NOW THEN... TZAPHIEL!!! YOUR TREACHERY WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED!!! NO-ONE DRUGS ME, PUSHES ME OUT OF A PLANE, AND LIVES TO BOAST ABOUT IT!!! *pause* well... not for long anyway... yeah.
TZAPHIEL- Wait! That must mean that you're... you're...
TZAPHIEL- You're... *gasp*... Aunt Petunia?
MYSTERY FIGURE- ... YES TZAPHIEL!!! IT IS ME, DAAASLEAH!!! *thunderclap* ... yeah.
TZAPHIEL- That was my second guess.
*Tzaphiel and Dasleah leap to battle*
FABIUS- So... what, are they ignoring us now?
TYPHOID- I've had under a dozen lines, and the writer's cutting me out already? Laaame.
KHARN- I like bagels.

The fight of the century is under way! Dasleah versus Tzaphiel! Who will win? Who knows? Who cares? And what of Argrath and Berial, being pursued by Abaddon and Ahriman? All these questions and more will be answered in Traitors, Part Five!

How did you like it?

Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #122 on: July 11, 2008, 06:50:40 PM »
A Chaos Space Marine’s Diary

The following text is made up of notes from the diary of a Chaos Space Marine in the Black Legion.

Dreaded Diary,

Day 1, week 1
- Arrived at new camp on planet Ythcolgar.
- Started to feel pain in left arm. No idea why.
- Hung piece of paper on brother Ardius’ backpack reading “Purge me!” and had a good (and sinister) laugh with the rest of the lads.
- Brother Behemon painted the coolest ever winged skull on his shoulderplate today, and was brutally butchered by the guv’ (Estragor, Exalted Champion of Chaos) for being a Night Lords sympathizer.

Day 2, week 1
- Pain in arm growing. Went to Chaos sorcerer, who told me three words: “Extremis Unconfortablis Mutatis.” I’m visiting brother Arzhar tomorrow, to ask about mutation symptoms. (Arzhar has already got an ostrich-leg and a bat’s nose.)
- The Guv’ didn’t like the “purge me” joke, and as punishment I spent three hours writing “You’re dead!” back to front on the front of my squad’s Rhino, in preparation for next week’s big cityfight.
- Attended brother Behemon’s funeral today. The way sergeant Sargoth placed his blooded skull atop that burning mound of bones really stirred some emotions, but we all forgot our sadness and frustration by getting leglessly drunk on boozed-up blood afterwards.

Day 3, week 1
- Awoke with a terrible hangover from last night, and hung on my bed I found a picture of me making out with a daemonette. This, of course, led to quite a few “HOWs”, “WHYs” and “WHENs”
- Arzhar (who by the way has been gifted an additional ostrich leg by his patron) told me to expect a hideous mutation of my left arm. Although I have yet to read about the pros and cons of mutation, I’m hoping for either a whip-like tentacle or a massive crab’s claw!
- Found a scorched skull on the gound and hung it in my belt, but was then given a thorough lesson from sarge about martial honour, and how one shall only display battle-trophies that one-self has won. Frankly I couldn’t care less what he and the Blood God thinks.

Day 4, week 1
- Today we sacked an undefended city on the planet Urnium. Found a convenience store selling cereal-boxes called “Corn-chaos.” (a fitting name, I might add). The guv, however, took the cereal’s title as an insult mocking his patron, Khorne, and burned the shop personally. Fortunately I managed to grab the latest issue of “Universe at War” before the magasine-rack was consumed by the flames.
- Got into a fight with brother Octavius over which of the two destroyed legions landed on Istvaan V first. He claimed it was the (fragment missing), but surely it was the colossal landing crafts of the (fragment missing) legion which first touched the ground?
- Played Death-poker with the lads before going to bed. The only casualty was brother Magnon, who bought it in the fourth round. Won myself a neat little master-crafted beauty of a bolt-pistol, and a bottle of some blue liquid. (Note: The bottle was labeled: “Do not add anything”)

Day 5, week 1
- Today, the guv beheaded brother Raphaelus for having tattooed a certain rune on his forehead. But Raphaelus died with a smile on the face of his severed head, having had great fun tricking the entire company into believing that he had been given the Mark of Khorne.
- Pain in arm growing, the sorcerer told me to expect a mutation any day. I still find it hard to believe that I have particularly pleased one of the powers, except for perhaps amusing Slaanny by symbolically eating that Eldar’s spirit-stone in a battle a few weeks ago. (That stone was hard as rock, by the way, and it really messed up my teeth. And I was hoping for fangs and all!
- Attended “Pint-night” with the rest of the squad. In lack of boozed-up blood, drank the blue liquid I won at the poker-game. The liquid turned out stronger and fiercer than an irritated Bloodthirster, and sent me running to the latrine, screaming like a Horror. Before I reaching it, I had already vomited half my interiours all over the newly-polished Land Raider. (Note: Formed the vomit into looking like an evil face, and the tank commander was impressed when he saw it the next day.)

Day 6, week 1
- Last night I had a long vision of Tzeentch, telling me how mad he was at me. I spent all night running from his minions in the psychic realm. How I earned the wrath of Tzeentchie-boy (that old trickster is beyond me.
- Was told at the mess that the blue liquid I had drunk last night was infact an antidote to Nurgle’s Rot, and was lifted up by a group of Plague-marines and carried across the courtyard, being praised and honoured by the foul men. Never before have I drunk and thereby destroyed the nemesis of an entire squad of marines. (Note: My new nikcname is “Doom-drinker,” apparently.)

Day 7, week 1
- Awoke with left arm fully mutated! A beautiful tentacle-thingy, slimy and gross. Had great fun coiling it around brother Xarnon’s throat and almost strangling him. Went to Arzhar’s tent with a bunch of posessees, and had a “Who’s got the most hideous body-part”-competition. (Brother Igmarius won, sporting a toe with a fly’s head and little legs of it’s own.)
- Got tickets for tomorrow’s Emperor’s Children gig on the planet Harthras IV. (Note: Bus leaves at 4.00)
- Went to Chaos sorcerer in hope of finding out which god has gifted me with the tentacle. After two hours of the sorceror looking at the arm and taking down notes, came the following answer: “It is probably either Khorne, Tzeentch, Nurgle or Slaanesh.” (No big suprises there)

Day 1, week 2
- Went all day fooling around camp. For fun, pretended to be a nutter and was grouped with the posessed squad. Learned all there is to know about being possessed, and wrote down some of their most memorable lines: “The Emperor wins in the end”, “Does my host have bad breath?,” and “Man, the looks of this host are spoiling my chances of getting laid.”
- In the evening, went to Emperor’s Children concert on Harthras IV. Went backstage and got Eidolon’s autograph, and got my picture taken next to him, holding a blastmaster. After the concert, almost my entire squad talked about joining the Slaaneshi cult. (Note: Group pressure is a bad thing)
- Looking forward to tomorrow’s cityfight, spent the late hours painting terror-markings and contrasting colours on my armour, along with the lads. Only one of them had actually pledged his soul to Slaanny after the concert, and we helped him paint ridiculous colour-patterns and naughty artwork on his armour.

Day 2, week 2
- Had a good old cityfight in Yarnus, the capitol of the planet Kravus. Tried out the bolt-pistol I had won at the poker-game, but killed no-one with it (except brother Elmius by accident. He was probably gonna die anyway, right?). Ended with the bolt-pistol blowing up in my hand and rendering me unable to use a weapon. (Ever tried holding a boltgun with a tentacle?) Despite pain and being “psysically challenged” I managed to impress sarge by strangling two hapless citizens with my tentacle in less than 10 seconds.
- On the way back to base, I got friendly with Khorne-berzerker Arturion, and after he initially tried to chop my head off, we had an interesting coversation about social issues and skull-taking.

Day 3, week 2
- Awoke finding Arturion licking the blood off my wounded hand (which I had forgotten to do something about). Went with Arturion to the tech-marine, who replaced my wounded hand with a robot-one. The sad thing is that if it had been treated right away, I would only have had to replace 96, 7 percent of my hand, and not the whole thing. Arturion put his name up in the list for some more psycho-surgery. I said I like natural rage better, but he wouldn’t listen, and kept claiming it would make give him better self-confidence and make him more attractive.
- For an evening out, I went to the killing-grounds with the rest of my squad, to fight a pack of brutish beastmen. Did many things that Arturion had learnt me, but discovered that I still have to work on my “Double-Decap.” (Note: Must remember to send “I’m sorry”-letter to brother Lurg.)

Day 4, week 2
- Was told that brother Lurg from my squad died last night from wounds sustained at the killing-grounds yesterday. Unfortuately no one noticed how he was wounded. Although Lurg probably did, it was hard for him to explain without his jaw. (Note: Must remember to burn the “I’m Sorry!”-letter)
- Played Death-poker in the evening. Won nothing, and lost half my miniature-collection, including the special character “Rambo.” (We play with the miniatures in a game called “Warhammer 2k”)

- Day 5, week 2
- Sarge found the “I’m Sorry”-letter before I had time to burn it. Suprisingly, he didn’t mind the fact that it was I the one who had inflicted the mortal wounds on Lurg (by accident, of course...) Instead, he said that Khorne apparently favours those who kill their friends and allies, and fetched Lurg’s severed jaw for me to wear as a trophy.
- Was part of a group of marines ordered to test the new Dreadclaws. The pod I was in failed to work, and plumetted to the ground at lightning-speed. The pod crashed in a desert area of the planet, the impact killing everyone in the pod except me. Hours later I was found unconcious by the search-team, with a third-degree burn on my tentacle and without a lower jaw.

Day 6, week 2
- Left the field-hospital/gene-mixing-lab early in the morning, with a bandaged tentacle and a fully functional jaw. Apparently, they hadn’t found my original one, so they took the one hanging on a chain around my neck and put that one on instead.
- Went to Arzhar’s tent to ask how to treat injured mutated limbs. Arzhar, the poor #######, has by now been given a turtle’s shell and pig’s head (although he’s still got the bat’s nose), and was not in the mood to talk about mutations. Instead we discussed career-possibilities in the legion, and advaning to higher ranks. I’ve found out that possible career choices are: To join one of the cults, become a biker or havoc specialist, survive long enough to become a veteran, get possessed, almost die and become a Dreadnought, or become a driver. Tough choice, eh?
- In the evening, I returned to the killing-grounds with my squad, this time pitched against a group of imperial captives. We barely made it out alive, although this time I managed to perfectly execute the Double-Decap.

Day 7, week 2
- The talk with Arzhar yesterday really got me thinking. Walked around the camp, asking the different marines about what career THEY had chosen. So far, the cults seem unlikely (although the plague-marines will of course welcome “Doom Drinker” into their group anytime), and becoming possessed seems to leave few chances of advancing further in the ranks. Besides, having a face growing out of my chest and babbling philosofical nonsence all day isn’t my biggest ambition in life.
- Later, the camp was visited today by a small group of Word Bearers lead by a chaplain, coming to tell us all about why we should join their legion instead. Their endless preaching was cut short when the guv’ intervened, butchering them to a man. The survivor was held down and his armour was taken off. Then the guv’ tatooed the eye of Horus on his forehead, and “Black Legion rocks!" all over his chest. He was then carried into a space-ship, and finally jettisoned into space in a sarcophagus marked “To Lorgar!”

Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #123 on: July 11, 2008, 06:51:16 PM »
Day 1, week 3
- Had nothing to do half the day, so went with brother Ixius to the paint-shed where we stylised our armour some more. Ixius painted a large I (for Ixius) on his chestplate, although I’m sure I’ve seen that particluar letter dislplayed in similar manners before...
- Started preparing this week’s lighting-raid on an imperial hive-city called Necromunda. Apparently, the guv and all his officers and allies had been planning this raid for months, and have done all the nescessary calculations. With the forces we’re gonna use, the hive city will be reduced to a scorched wasteland littered with the dead in no time!
- In the evening, the guv violently slaughtered one of his own marines. The reason was that the marine had been given a mutated head by his god. What had his head mutated into? Two eagle-heads...

Day 2, week 3
- Got up early to play Blood-hockey with the lads, against a team composed of bloodthirsty beastmen and some imperial prisoners. With the game being my first one for ages, I only managed two kill-goals and one goal-kill. In the end, we won the game 18-3.
- Later, my squad and I was ordered into the desert-region of the planet to crush a beastman rebellion against us. When arriving, we saw that without any material to build a proper base with, they had constructed a gigantic sandcastle in the middle of the sea of sand-dunes. I was the big hero of the campaign, firing the descisive (and only) shot which took down their stronghold, burying them underneath. Was rewarded a medallion by the guv, which was ripped from my armour again when the lads told him what kind of resistance we had met.

Day 3, week 3
- Brother Taxius and brother Cormius came up with a great tactical idea today: Havoc bikers. Taxius and Cormius decided on sharing their stroke of strategic genius withe the guv himself, and went at once to his throne-room. Strangely enough, only one of them received a public execution for their stupidity (Cormius). Infact the guv assembled a unit of Havoc bikers, and made Taxius the unit sergeant. Apparently, the guv thought leading such a pointless unit on the battlefield would be prove to be punishment enough.
- Around noon, brother Praetorax threw a spray of “Mr. Clean” into the plague-marines’ tent as a joke. Punishment was dished out by the guv, who ensured that Praetorax will have his hands busy for quite a while; Praetorax was ordered to polish the armour of all the company’s plague-marines, and only when every single piece of armour has passed the white-glove test, will he be allowed to stop. Not suprisingly, a dozen of our company’s marines joined the Nurgle-cult today, for obvious reasons.
- Used most of the day packing my bags and preparing for the hive-city assault.

Day 4, week 3

(Nothing was written this day)

Day 5, week 3
- Mission to destroy hive-city Necromunda yesterday was cancelled, as our base fell under attack by a force of Iron Warriors before sunrise. Me and the rest of my squad were taken as captives by them, and we were taken deep into the warp aboard a small space hulk the Iron Warriors had mobilized. Their commanding warsmith said to us: “Half of your men escaped, half of your men were killed, and the last half were captured.” (So much for the Iron Warriors’ cold and efficient LOGIC) But he also told us how amazed he was by our defence skill, and that he was impressed by our tactical abilities. Apparently, the Havoc bikers had held back the Iron Warriors for several hours, allowing many marines to escape the doomed base.
- Today, we landed on a desert-planet (Tellarm or Tallern or something) for unknown reasons, and from my iron cage (which I was held in) I overheard two Iron Warriors playing in the sand:

“My sandcastle is bigger than yours!”
“No it isn’t!”
“Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile lauchers!”
“Well mine’s got that aswell, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!”
“Your lascannons aren’t placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You’d have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the dead lizard, while your terminators got into position over by that pile of bones. And barbed wire placed over there isn’t gonna slow the enemy down! You’ve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the cactus, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that scorpion over there assaulted this wall? I’d suggest a squad of...”

No doubt the Iron Warriors are tactical geniuses. I never learned what their business on the desert-planet was, and we left only hours later.

Day 6, week 3
- Early in the morning, we were brutally dragged from our warm and comfy chains and shackles and pitched against a squad of Obliterators in a game of inter-planetary Blood-hockey. We were solemnly beaten 23-2, with two casualties, one IGB (In-Game-Betrayal), and four of our men are probably still drifting into space.
- Discovered on my way back to the cell that the guv is also aboard the hulk. Not a big suprise really, as it’s not like him to run away or die in the heat of battle.
- Played Death-poker with a makeshift deck of cards (don’t ask), and I stole the show, winning three pieces of dry bread and five glasses of stagnant water.

Day 7, week 3
- Enjoyed a peaceful day in the cell. Nothing much happened, apart from brother Garvius being put in a straightjacket, brother Xathras climbing the walls, and the ever-complaining, ever-wining, ALWAYS annoying brother Urshar being knocked out, permanently. (NOT by me, I swear...)
- Later, a brilliantly co-operated jailbreak was carried out. Lead by the guv, all the Black Legion captives aboard the space hulk rampaged through the drifting metal-behemoth, killing everything we met, and probably everything we didn’t meet, considering we ended it all by blowing the hulk into at least two pieces. (Doesn’t have the same effect as “a million pieces,” does it?)

Day 1, week 4
- Back on our good old planet! We all celebrated our happy return with a visit to the killing grounds. Even the guv joined in, and we all had a merry time killing each other, since there was no-one else to fight. The guv said afterwards that events like these are nescessary to determine who are worthy of serving him. Those who died were obviously not worthy. Later, we partied in the mess, the sorcerer conjuring drinks from the depths of the warp, and we all got totally hammered. (Note: It’s fun dancing with Horrors when you’re drunk)

Day 2, week 4
- Received tragic news that brother Praetorax had comitted suicide with a bomb, finally having had enough of polishing plague-infested armour. There was a memorial service at noon, with the (very few) remains of Praetorax being ritually fed to a pack of wild mutant-geese. Everyone attended except the plague-marines, who had lost both their servant and their sergeant when the bomb went off. Ironically, the bomb-explosion had burnt every drop of slime off their armour...
- Brother Arzhar, the Toy of the Gods (which he has been titled by his superior) has received yet another mutation. His latest hideous feature is a frog’s chin. And while we was captured aboard the space hulk, he had been gifted a fish-tail. Lay awake all night because of the noises coming from his tent. (Note: “Riddip” and “croak” are the two most annoying sounds in the galaxy.)

Day 3, week 4
- Felt like doing nothing, so rented three videos with some of my squad-mates: “Edward Lightning-claws”, “Children of the Khorne”, and a documentary film starring among others the guv himself: “Pitch Black Crusade.”
- After having watched films for hours and eventually getting fed up, we went to the mess. On the tent, there hung a large poster with a picture of his majesty Abaddon the Despoiler, pointing at us with his Talon of Horus, and the text read “Abaddon wants you!” Inspired by the movie we had just watched (and just for kicks, of course), my entire squad (including me) put their names up for the next Black Crusade. We decided that burning planets, killing imperials and enslaving billions looks great, and we made the guv really proud of us too.
- Later, we found this really neat piece of armour in the junkyard, and brother Halus put it on at once. Of course, no-one told him that what he had just put on was a suit of armour from the Thousand Sons legion. And we quickly discovered that it was still occupied by it’s original wearer, when the armour ran off with Halus screaming to get out.

Day 4, week 4
- Today, sarge told us that there were already thousands of regulars who had signed up for his majesty Abaddon’s next Black Crusade. In order to participate in the crusade, our squad had to choose a more specialized style of warfare, since there was still a shortage of specialist troops in the Black Crusade army. We had a poll, and it was soon decided that our path was to become bikers. Without further ado, we all started practising to become bikers, something that was quite hard considering we had not been issued any bikes yet.
- Saw the new poster at the mess, telling that there is a contest to see who can recruit the most marines into joining the Black Crusade. (First prize is an antique shoulderplate worn by the great commander Orghoth, that’s for recruiting 20 marines.) Went to Arzhar’s tent and tried persuading him into joining the crusade, and he finally agreed to, after I had outdone myself in making up lame reasons for him to join.
Day 5, week 4
- Got up before sunrise and ran around camp recruiting marines to join the crusade. I realised that if I wake them from their sleep early in the morning, most of the marines will say (or agree to do) anything as long as you go away and let them sleep.
- Went to the head-office and handed in the paper with all the signatures. It actually turned out that I didn’t win the recruitment-contest, as the Berzerker champion had walked around the camp last night and forced a heap of marines to join. If the choice is between going on a Black Crusade or getting you head cut off, what would you have answered? Anyway, I won second prize, a really cool replica of Khârn the Betrayer’s helmet. After scaring a few of my squad-mates out of bed by wearing the helmet and shouting “Blood for the Blood God!”, I painted it black and adorned it with the Eye of Horus, the most infamous of all the Chaos symbols. (Plus it’s my favorite one.)
- Went to Arzhar’s tent, and helped him paint the Eye on his turtle-shell. Actually, I didn’t, and wrote instead: “One-man zoo!” A mean thing to do? Hardly, since mutants always say they want to be treated like everone else.

Day 6, week 4
- Today, some crucial messages were given to us by sarge. The Black Crusade is commencing in one week, but we won’t be joining it until the main fleet comes to our system, which should happen a few days later. Also, he told us that our squad had been accepted to become bikers, and that our bikes would be issued to us when we join the fleet. Finally, he told us that the guv has been accepted into Abaddon’s inner circle of lords for the crusade. Apparently, this is to be celebrated next week at the newly built pub/pleasure-house “Sex, drugs and worse!”, erected by the Slaaneshi cult.
- Went around camp all day trying to get hold of some drinks for next week’s party. I came over several choices: the regular boozed-up blood, a bottle of “Brother Bravius’ Belly-burner,” and some green slime which sticked to the wall when I threw it. In the end, I went with the Belly-burner for variety, since the slime tasted bad, and I’m tired of boozed-up blood. (Besides, the last time I drunk it, I vomited up big lumps of coagulated blood the next day, which pleased only the berzerker who I allowed to have them.)
- Played Death-poker with the squad, and lost my fake Khorne-necklace (Oh no:). I also lost a gold tooth that I never knew I had. Apparently, brother Renghar, who won it, had been a friend of brother Lurg, the former owner of my jaw.

Day 7, week 4
- Walked around camp with brother Fermicus and sold off all the gear that we won’t be needing when we become bikers. Traded our beloved Heavy bolter for a skull-shaped helmet, an antique deck of cards and a small Chaos familiar that was found in the mess sink this morning.
- After a big, bloody fight that probably pleased Khorne, brother Halus got to keep the skull-helmet. Then we played a quick game of Death-poker (without the full rules, since we wanted to be at full strength for the crusade), and since no-one wanted the familiar, I guess I’ stuck with it.
- In the evening, sarge assembled us in the main tent where we were to discuss biker-tactics. After hours of debating, arguing, countless feet being stamped and fists being hammered onto the table in rage, we finally agreed on a strategy: the good old “Charge!!!”

Day 1, week 5
- Had nothing to do, so I went with brother Furiax to the killing-grounds, to test our mettle against the good old beastman horde. Dispite our fearless fighting, me even managing a Double-Decap without trying to, we were outnumbered and quickly surrounded. But fortunately, some last-minute help in the form of the berzerker-squad arrived, and they quickly turned the place into a fountain of blood.
- Used the rest of the afternoon trying to get all the beastman-blood off my armour. Later, I went to the mess to try out today’s special, “Rotting corpse.” (Plague marines had mess-duty today) It tasted kinda out of date.

Day 2, week 5
- Borrowed the latest copy of “Universe at War” from brother Vulkus, and read interesting article on combat-bikes. Got some really cool ideas for my future “metal steed” (that’s what us pros call our bikes), and I’m definately gonna try out the flame-pattern.
- Later today, the list of Crusade-squads was hung up. It turned out that two thirds of our company, including the guv himself, have enlisted into his majesty Abaddon’s crusade. Noted down names of all the squads joining: Squad Estragor (Raptors, lead by the guv himself), Squad Dharkos (Possessed), Squad Zerus (Havocs), Squad Sargoth (That’s us! Bikers, of course), Squad Traghius (Plague marines) and Squad Mhorkorus (Berzerkers). Also, we’re committing a Rhino APC and the Land Raider “Eternal Hatred” to serve in Abaddon’s forces.
- Went to Arzhar’s tent in the evening. He’s not been put in any of the squads, it turned out, but is being taken along with some other (weirdo) marines to be used as auxilliaries. Had a long chat with him, mostly about violence and the meaning of death. Noticed before I left that it looks like a pair of rabbit-ears are appearing on his head.

Day 3, week 5
- The day started with us talking about the World Eaters at the mess. When we came to the fact that they have no recorded home-world, brother Hades found a good reason why: “They ate it.” Stupidity-execution carried out by the guv, who hates stupid people (and doesn’t like bad jokes either.) Only minutes later, brother Unghor foolishly asked out loud: “If Slaanesh is the god of sex, why is it Tzeentch who’s got a thousand sons?” It resulted in the guv having killed two of his own men for being stupid before breakfast was over.
- Checked the mail, and found a flyer with “Join the BDA” displayed on the front. After reading through it, I found out that it wasn’t anyhting for me. (A Chaos marine joining “Blood-Drinkers Anonymous”? I don’t think so.)
- In the evening, the (slightly delayed) party to celebrate our return was held. (We were captured aboard a space hulk, remember?) We all had a jolly good time, but soon a pack of daemons invited themselves to the party. Before night was over, a drunken Plaguebearer had vomited on Brother Fratius (killing him), a swarm of Nurglings got the Land Raider going and drove away with it, and three of our men were possessed by daemons. It all came to a finale when a enormous Great Unclean One materialized in the pub, squashing several marines and cultists to death upon it’s arrival. (Note: Nurgloid daemons are very annoying. Remeber NOT to get possessed by one!)

Day 4, week 5
- Awoke face down in a puddle of slime behind the bar. Got up just in time to get out of the pub before it was demolished. Apparently, it was fully trashed inside, and so full of slime from the daemons that dropped in last night, that the guv saw no reason in keeping it standing. Instead, he is planning to erect a Chaos monolith in it’s place.
- Our squad was called to search for the Land Raider which was hijacked by the Nurglings last night. We eventually found it half-buried by sand in the desert-region of the planet. It was littered with dead Nurglings, dryed up and shrivelled, who obviously couldn’t cope with the heat. Brother Furiax insisted riding back to base on top of the tank, but it almost cost him his life; When we returned his lungs were half-filled with sand, and he was twice as heavy to carry because of the amount of sand inside his armour.
- Used the rest of the afternoon sharing thoughts about war with the familiar.

Day 5, week 5

Day 6
- Finally found my diary! Who on earth put it under my bed? Thanks to whoever it was, I didn’t get to write anything in it yesterday.
- Had a talk with Arzhar (who by the way has got a pair of rabbit-ears now, just as I predicted.) He says he’s going to be grouped with the possessed once we join the Black Crusade, even though there isn’t a daemon in him (yet). Had a glass of vintage boozed-up blood (slightly coagulated, but that’s how it’s supposed to be, apparently) and talked about how the Crusade’s gonna be like. Promised we’d meet again before we leave.

Day 7, week 5
- Spent the day making huge posters and banner reading: “Warmaster, command us!” and “Welcome, Your Highness!” They were all spread out on the camp-grounds facing upwards. Brother Grax dug a deep hole in the ground and covered it with a huge sheet, on which he had written “Land here!” It was just intended as a joke, of course. However, the guv quickly found out (the hard way), and Grax was shackled, gagged and blindfolded and thrown in the pit immeditaly. However, he was not buried alive. Instead, the guv simply covered the pit again with the same sheet. (Talk about digging your own grave...)
- We all wrote our wills in the mess. Decided that if I die, sarge can keep all my stuff. (Note: Remeber to make sure brother Tryvus doesn’t survive the crusade, since he’s put me up for his antique pre-heresy bolter if he dies.)
- Couldn’t sleep, lay awake thinking about the crusade.

What will Abaddon be like?
How long before I get my bike?
How many planets will we burn?
Will I be dead before we return?

Coming soon! “A Chaos Space Marine’s Diary: The Black Crusade”

Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #124 on: July 11, 2008, 06:52:14 PM »
This is part 2, "the Black Crusade". Watch out, though, as some parts of it were made less jokes and more fluff by the author.

"A Chaos Space Marine's Diary: The Black Crusade"

Day 1, week 6
1 Awoke from sarge bellowing orders to everyone. Apparently, his majesty Abaddon's fleet is due here tomorrow, and today was our last chance to do whatever we want to before we're off to burn the galaxy. Having spent yesterday wisely, packing all my stuff and all that, I walked around camp all day. Arzhar was busy packing his gear, having some problems carrying it all with his new crab's claw. Arturion, my bloodthirsty berzerking friend, was busy arguing with his sergeant. Apparently, their squad consisted of nine marines, while Khorne's sacred number is eight. Not suprisingly, a member of the squad was removed (or at least his head was).
2 Payed a visit to the pit of slime, where the cultists and marines of Nurgle were busy gathering up their stuff. Watched them filling bags, bottles and buckets full with slime, and taking them to the landing-site. Obviously, they intend to "make themselves at home" in one of the ships. Their Champion, Traghius, offered me a final chance to join their squad, which I declined, although I don't think he bought my excuse. ("Green just isn't my colour...")
3 Again, couldn't sleep because of the big day tomorrow.

Day 2, week 6
3 Suprised to wake up late and find that the fleet hadn't arrived yet. Everyone was so tence and excited, the landing site was crammed with marines and cultists alike. The Sorcerer was restlessly dipping his mind in and out of the warp, checking for any signs of the fleet arriving. The berzerkers were fighting amongst each other (friendly at first, but it ended with a bloody chainsword and a severed arm), the Plague marines were dozing in a huge puddle of slime, and the Slaaneshi were doing things a bit too rude to describe here.
4 About mid-day, a marine from Squad Zerus was executed by the guv for thinking that the Death Guard's pre-heresy name was the Life Guard. ("I mean, it makes sence, doesn't it...? What? The Guv?! Where?!!") Thankfully, the guv was so busy with this that he never heard brother Xathras claim that there is a successor chapter of the Iron Hands called the Iron Feet.
5 Then finally, just as the second sun was about to set, gigantic black ships of the Black Legion fleet went into orbit around the planet. Huge transport-ships descended from the sky, and landed somewhere on the horison. Everyone was so disappointed that they hand't landed where we had put out the signs, except perhaps brother Grax, who was still stuck in his pit, and the immature brother Draegon, who had written a poem and drawn a picture of Abaddon.
6 Upon arriving at the ships, our squads grouped up, and boarded the ships. We were all told that the main fleet had moved on to the next system, and that we would catch up with it sometime tomorrow. Unfortunately, all the squads except the guv and his Raptors had been crammed into one ship, and there was only one huge room that we all had to share. Dumped my stuff in a corner and then went and did nothing with the rest of the lads. This was kinda fun for a while, but we stopped doing it after a while since we didn't want to take all the fun out of it at once.

Day 3, week 6
7 Last night was the worst night ever! Firstly, there was an incredibly strong stink of corruption and decay oozing from those damned Plague marines (Okey, I know we're ALL damned, LITTERALLY, but you get my meaning). And through the night I was awoken several times by berzerkers cying "Blood for the Blood God!" in their sleep. One of them had even lashed out with his weapon while asleep, and in the morning I awoke in a puddle of blood next to a dead marine with a chain-axe dug into his chest.
8 In the guv's abscence, we all had a merry time shouting out our best (and worst) jokes. I don't know how many times I heard the words "World Munchers", "Emperor's Grandchildren", "Thousand Daughters" and "Day Lords." In the end, an execution was carried out by the sorcerer, who (it turned out) also has the right to execute, and who happened to be aboard our ship. He could have told us that he was present before brother Ixius shouted that thing about the sorcerer having lost his mind in the warp.
9 By mid-day, we had all had enough of the ship. The Tzeentchians were saying to each other: "We need a change of settings", the Nurgloids were muttering: "We'll never find that main fleet, there's no hope for us", the Slaaneshi were saying: "Let's enjoy it while it lasts", and the Khornates occasionally shouted "Blood for you-know-who!"
10 But suddenly, the sorcerer shouted out: "We are now approaching the main Black Crusade fleet, please fasten your backpacks and put out your cigarettes and the raging fire in you souls. Boarding will commence in a few minutes." Minutes later came a large "clank!" from the ship, and before we had time to say "What the warp is going on?", the main doors to our ship opened. Beyond was a vast hangar full of shuttles, fighters, recon-craft and assault-boats.
11 After exiting the dreaded transport ship in an organised fashion (well, not THAT organised, we're Chaos after all), we were immediatly formed into ranks and adressed by some bigwig Exhalted Champion. Apparently, we were now aboard the ship "Immeasurable Rage", and we had arrived just in time for his majesty Abaddon's big speech. We watched it live from his battle barge on a big screen in the hangar, together with two other companies of marines.

"Honourable and not that honourable marines! Today our conquest of the galaxy officially begins.
Today is the day when the Imperium will once again hear the might of the Warp approaching, like herd of mutant elephants, the day when they will feel the black and slimy talon of darkness reaching out from the depths.
We shall once again sow terror in the hearts of the mortals, we shall once again be the ones who fan the embers of heresy into outright rebellion.
This time, they will not stop us, for the shadow of Chaos cannot be stopped. It will always be there, watching humanity from without, like a camouflaged moth on a tree, and corrupting humanity from within, just like boozed-up blood does when you're drunk.
Alone and divided we will not have much hope of defeating the imperium, for they are many, and we are... not that many. But when the legions of despair, the chosen of darkness stand together, we are probably unstoppable.
And sitting on his golden butt with wires and pipes sticking out from every part of his body, the phoney emperor knows this. He thinks he has seen the gods at the peak of their powers, and knows that they are strong, too strong. But the beast of Chaos has not truly awoken from it's slumber, and when it does, it's powers will be beyond metric measure!"

1 At this point, I stopped paying attention and instead stood watching the hottest Keeper of Secrets I have ever seen in my life, which was hovering half-visible above the ranks of marines, in a cloud of sparkling smoke. By the time it had vanished, his majesty's speech was finished, and there came a deafening roar followed by loud chanting from all the other marines. I joined in, of course, although I wasn't quite sure what we were chanting. In lack of imagination, I chanted "Rights for Squats!" (Popular chant these days) Fortunately, nobody seemed to notice.
2 At the end of a long day, we were split up and sorted into different companies, so some of our squads were transfered to different ships. Squad Mhorkorus, the berzerkers, were teleported aboard the "Everlasting Fury", a ship under command of one Lord Xenofexius, champion of Khorne. The Plague marines of Squad Traghius also departed, to form the Honour Guard (read: Odour Guard) of a Nurgloid champion known only as Infectius. And as for the guv, he and his squad of Raptors also left the ship, destined to become part of his majesty Abaddon's 1st Company.
3 Finally, after a long day featuring a lot of waiting for orders, we were given cabin-keys. My cabin-mate turned out to be brother Furiax, a good friend (or "Battle Companion"; Chaos marines aren't supposed to have friends, apparently.)

Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #125 on: July 11, 2008, 06:53:26 PM »
Day 4, week 6
3 Almost overslept on my first day in the crusade, as I was too fast asleep to hear sarge banging on the door with a powerfist (I didn't wake up before he accidentaly smashed the fist THROUGH the door and knocked the already-awake brother Furiax back to sleep.)
4 Went to the main hall for a first day briefing and orientation together with the rest of the company. We were all glad to hear that we would get our bikes today, and after the Exhalted Champion Astralax had babbled uninteresting nonsence for what seemed like a few weeks (time flows differently in the warp), our squad were teleported aboard the fleet's supply ship.
5 Once there, we entered the large storage-rooms, and made our way through mountains of crates, forests of chains and oceans of nuts and bolts, and finally found all the crusade's bikes lined up neatly in a (long) row. We all picked out a bike each. I chose a newly captured imperial model, featuring the newest twin bolters and a neat skull-motif, which I chose not to remove. When everyone was satisfied, we got on our metal steeds and drove back to the teleport area. Only one of us managed to reach the destination without crashing or falling off: the multi-talented (and proud of it) brother Jaeger. Personally, I managed to drive full speed straight inside an open Land Raider, which hadn't been so bad if there wasn't already a squad of big and spiky terminators inside. Brother Furiax tried to do a wheelie, but he managed only to get thrown to the floor and getting knocked unconscious. His bike continued across the room, and a marine from another squad got his helmet-hair entangled in the bike's front wheel. His head was twisted around several times before anyone came to the rescue, but fortunately the marine was daemon-possessed and didn't feel a thing. Brother Halus, on the other hand, crashed into a crate of missiles, and it ended with explosive results. And to make matters worse, the near-dead Halus couldn't receive any treatment for his wounds, since the fleet's only sick-bay has been taken over by Fabius Bile. Brother Halus became our squad's first casualty of the crusade.
6 When we arrived back on the "Immeasurable Rage", we were given some important messages from Exhalted Champion Astralax. Tomorrow, biker-newbies are going to train their skills on some barren desert-planet. And the day after tomorrow, we're going on our first raid!

Day 5, week 6
7 Landed on the desert-planet early in the morning, to begin practising on bikes immediatly. The huge open space really gave us all the room we wanted, and we quickly sped off in different directions. After three hours of practise and five hours of trying to find the rendezvous-point, our squad was back at the landing-site. Only one casualty, brother Bravius had apparently fallen into a huge pit with teeth, somewhere in the great ocean of sand. That leaves our squad reduced to eight marines before we've seen any real action.
8 Later, we received full briefing of tomorrow's mission. Tomorrow, the fleet will be divided into smaller groups of ships, although his majesty Abaddon usually prefers his stuff to be "undivided". Anyway, our company's fast attack units have been selected to aid the Iron Warriors 11th Grand Company in assaulting the planet Selectius VII (We didn't like this alliance one bit, but according to Lord Astralax: " a Black Crusade, you've got to be prepared for situations like this, blah blah blah...") We all left the briefing in a bad mood, although I guess we're going to Selectius tomorrow no matter how much we hate the Iron Warriors.

Day 6, week 6
9 Started the day with a last minute briefing with sarge, who had been told the battle-plans by the Warsmith of the Iron Warriors. Fortunately, it's a fairly straightforward plan. Unfortunately, the plan consists of our squad driving full speed into an imperial-held trench-complex, where we according to plan are supposed to: "deal as much damage as possible, and stay clear of incoming Iron Warriors artillery-fire." And of course, the always annoying last message: "Expect Imperial Space Marine resistance." Shortly after the meeting, we all went and wrote "Despair!" on our armour. (Note: In case you wondered, this commonly displayed word has nothing to do with the end of the universe. Those who display it on their armour have simply been given hopeless missions.)

Selectius VII
At 0900 hours, local time, we descended on the planet Selectius VII. From the second we entered low orbit, our ships took heavy fire. Last minute orders and prayers to the dark ones filled the comm-system, and the first-glance terrain analyses were given to our squad. The words we heard had undoubtably been picked straight from the first page of the book "What a biker doesn't want to hear". The senctence "Bumpy, wet and muddy" stuck to our minds like leeches, sucking out every last drop of courage and hope.
The second after the door of our transport opened, like the maw of an nightmarish beast, we embarked with the deafening roar of deamonic engines. Squeezing triggers and spraying forth bullets as if our lives depended on it (which wasn't far from the truth), Squad Sargoth raced ahead into the foggy no-man's land. In our wake followed black-painted personel-carriers and the armoured giants of our Land Raiders.
We sped across the hellish half-swamp, our coloured tails of helmet-hair flowing in the wind, bullets, lasers and rockets coming straight at us and whining past our heads, providing us with a much-appreciated adrenaline kick.
As my bike skidded into a ditch and a bolter-shell strafed my shoulderplate, the bike ahead of me exploded, the colossal blast shaking the ground like the stride of a titan. Like a blossoming flower of fire, the explosion lit up it's surroundings, and I was blinded by it's white core. Infernal heat made my sweat pour, and cowering behind my bike like a beetle under a rock, I shouted through my comm-link "Taking heavy fire!"
A series of shouts, roars, screams and battlecries filled my ears as I reached for my trusted bolt pistol, acnowledging the fact that my metal steed could carry me no further. I lept forth from cover, and with the angry scream of a bolt-pistol firing, I emptied a magazine of bullets into the darkness ahead of me.
The fog of war was thick as a warp-storm, and my surroundings blacker than my soul. But undaunted, I strode forth with fiendish bravery, and gunned down a pitiful mortal before he had time to shout for help. The roaring noise of explosions was all around, and the booming pulse of bolter-fire filled the air. Another hapless target presented itself, a wounded imperial soldier striving to reload his weapon. A merciless slash of my sword ended his suffering, and I advanced through the war-zone, my eyes scanning the visible terrain for another victim; Another victim to be sacrificed to the ever-increasing might of Chaos! Muhahahaha, I love this job!!
Soon, the unmistakeable sound of incoming artillery-fire drowned the other noises of battle. The ground shook as explosive shells impacted amongst us, blowing men and machines to bits, and sending debris and severed limbs flying. The blasts blew us off our feet, and ear-shattering bangs made men scream in pain. Total havoc, absolute chaos, survival instinct was the only thing that controlled us. Men fought each other for the little cover available, and all sence of martial honour and bravery was forgotten as death rained upon us from above.
Sudden heavy-bolter fire could be heard nearby, and I was punched off my feet as a speeding shell hit me in the side, sending me to the ground in indescribable pain. As warriors clashed all around me, shouting war-cries and entering the fray suicidally, and I slowly sank into the mud, and my vision faded...

Day 7, week 6
10 Found myself lying bandaged in my bed when I woke up, with brother Furiax leaning over me. He told me that our mission yesterday had gone EXACTLY as we had predicted: Impossible terrain for biking, heavily outnumbered in enemy territory, and the Iron Warriors fire-support made things just as bad for us as for the imperials. Fortunately, most of the friendly casualties had been from squad Dravius, the other biker squad that had joined us in the assault. Squad Sargoth had taken only two casualties, brothers Vulkus and Rhengar.
11 Spent most of the day recovering from my injury, and discussing yesterday's mission with the lads. At least Vulkus and Rhengar didn't die in vain, as I learned that the forces of Chaos had won the battle yesterday, and already enslaved the entire planet's population. But although the Iron Warriors received all the honour for the victory, their Warsmith simply replied: "About time!"
12 For fun, our squad went to the Word Bearers' victory-party, celebrating that they had converted two entire planets to our religion in only one day. The party offered a lot of drunken praying, an unholy amount of wall-to-wall vomiting, and of course the Word Bearers sang their favourite drinking-song (as fast as they could): "How many words could a Word Bearer bear, if a Word Bearer could bear words?"

Day 1, week 7
13 Woke up without my armour, lying on my back on the Word Bearers' Altar of Sacrifice which I vaguely remeber from last night. After regrouping with the rest of the lads and removing a large dagger from my chest (it had only pierced one heart, fortunately), we left the Word Bearers ship "Lorgars Hand of Fire", and returned to our quarters on the Immeasurable Rage.
14 I received treatment for my wound, and I thoroughly regret my drunken descision last night (Being sacrificed to the dark gods WASN'T a blast after all...) But the Word Bearers have ten thousand years of experience when it comes to sacrificing stuff (especially marines), so how they managed NOT to kill me remains a mystery.
15 Later, Lord Astralax gave us the weekly crusade update. Tragically, almost the entire squad Varrus has been KIA (Killed In Action), and most of squad Mhorkorus has been SIA (Slaughtered in Action). I'm crossing my fingers (and the tentacle equivalent) that brother Arturion of squad Mhorkorus survived.
More unhappy news: the Nurgle champion Infectius has left the crusade without permission, to search for the Plague Planet. Under his command were numerous Plague marine-squads, including my mates in squad Traghius. I'm really dissapointed that Traghius and his lads have left us, and besides, it's not like Nurgloids to do things like that, since they usually hate all kinds of change.
There was more news. Apparently, the Alphans were inches from defeat on Framork III. After the main battle-plan and four backup-plans had failed, their 5th backup consisted of calling for support from the Iron Warriors 9th Grand Company. The Iron Warriors commenced using their standard tactic, and almost fifty Alpha warriors, two bike-squads, three Rhinos and commander Hydraxus were accidentaly annihilated by their orbital bombardment. With the Alphans dead, the orks claimed victory, as the Iron Warriors were short on bombs, and ran out before the entire planet had been scorched.

Day 2, week 7
16 Early today, we were all told that the imperials have started offering some real resistance, and apparently, they plan on taking the fight to us. An anti-Chaos crusade has been formed from several chapters of Space Marines. These chapters have been selected to not only defend planets we attack, but also to be on the offensive, attacking the Black Crusade fleet. According to our sorcerer, a small number of space marine assault-squadrons are already pursuing us, which is bad news for our ship since it's trailing at the very end of the fleet.
17 Most of the day was spent learning how to control our ship's turrets, how to fight in deep space, and some of us were selected to learn piloting skills, so our assault-boats can provide some resistance when the imperials arrive.
18 After a few hours of the assault-boats racing each other round and round the ship, while the turret-operators practised their marksmanship by trying to hit us, we were back in the hangar bay. Squad Rhazior challenged us to a friendly game of Blood Hockey in a nearby asteroid-field, so we got back aboard the ships and headed for the asteroid selected for the game. The game was a good one (we won), though much fun is taken from a Blood Hockey game if it isn't played with the full rules. The game really helped us ease up a bit, taking our minds away from the possible imperial attack on our fleet.

Day 3, week 7

1 Today, our squad agreed to do our part of keeping Blood Hockey a popular game for millennia to come. We decided on trying to preserve the rules by writing them down and putting them in a so-called "time capsule". We all wrote down one part of the game each, and my task was to make a note of weapons commonly used in "Friendly-games", like the one we played yesterday. Too bad it had to take up space in my dreaded diary, but here it is anyway:

1 One-handed mace: Useful for knocking out players without severing limbs or creating bloody wounds.
2 Knife: Light, frequently double-bladed, handy for stabbing your way out a crowd of players. In friendly-games, the blades are usually shortened, so they can't penetrate dangerously deep into an opposing player. However, the knife's major function is that it can be poisoned. Liquids that can (temporarily) make a wounded player weak, blind, hallucinate or go insane are popular.
3 Cattle-prod: Electrically-charged device which inflicts a mild electro-shock when in contact with a player. Good for making a player lose his concentration, excellent when aimed at players' weak spots.
4 Grappling-device: Launches a hook with a piece of rope attached to it. Incredibly handy for pulling players to the ground, making players trip, and if wielded with expert skill, snatching the skull from enemy players.
5 Net: As simple as it sounds. For better results, the net can be dipped in tar or glue before a game.
6 Small creature: Some players bring a lucky creature with them onto the pitch. Varying from familiars and Nurglings to baby goblins and giant spiders, a creature can prove very effective if trained to perform useful tasks on the pitch. And if it doesn't obey, throwing it in the faces of opposing players or holding it's tail and swinging it around like a flail works too.
7 On worlds where the devices and weapons above are hard to come by, all manners of crude devices are used: Rakes, spades, hammers, saws, slings, handfulls of sand, rocks, sticks, and if nothing else presents itself: bare fists and fingers with sharp nails.

7 After writing it all down and placing a copy aboard a space-coffin which we shot into space, we decided to pay a visit to the Emperor's Children. We had heard that yesterday they suffered terrible losses during the easiest of missions, thanks that pesky Legion of the Damned. You can be sure that when victory is in sight, those black-armoured bastards will show up in their usual fashion and "save the day." We jumped aboard a transport and headed for the Slaaneshi ship.
8 We arrived on board the ship to the strangest of sounds. Lying about in the hangar, we found a small group of Noise Marines, who were jamming half-heartedly with their sonic-weapons while they smoked at least three joints each. Those who didn't wear helmets looked like hell, drooling and staring into the air with their empty eyes. (Note: Don't ever have a speaker operated into your mouth. It looks really unconfortable!)
9 We continued into the ship and found the corridors and halls littered with Slaaneshi marines and cultists, lying about just like the Noise Marines. Many of them were wired up to the drug-outlets in the wall. They babbled nonsence and sighed with satisfaction, cuddling together in heaps, the cultists caringly polishing the armour of the marines while they wispered sweet lines of decadence into their ears. The walls were covered in multicoloured grafitti, displaying rude pictures as well as beautiful landscapes from the most idyllic daemon-worlds.
10 We finally found the officer in charge, a newly appointed Chaos Lord (or Drug Lord, as Slaaneshis prefer to be called) who told us that yesterday their inspirational and much loved former leader had been killed, and very few had survived the ambush of the black marines. We soon left the depressed Emperor's Children, since they proved no fun when all they wanted to do was die high.

Day 4, week 7
1 A massive fight broke out in the mess this morning. We were eating breakfast with squad Rhazior when sarge and sergeant Rhazior got annoyed with each other for some forgotten reason. Rhazior punched sarge in the face with his powerfist, and soon we were all fighting. During the early stages of the fight, two speeding bullets bound for my head somehow hit each other in mid air, both getting knocked out of course and killing two marines from Squad Rhazior instead! (Can it have had anything to do with my extra prayer to Tzeentch last night?) Anyway, I was the great hero of the battle, single-handedly rescuing brother Fermicus from the clutches of squad Rhazior, who had fortified themselves in the kitchen. My combat-skills with the saucepan became legendary today, since only a few marines had brought along their weapons to breakfast, and I wasn't one of them. (We haven't had to bring weapons to breakfast since that time back on Ytholgar, when the chef served Nurgling-stew without killing the Nurglings first.)
2 Spent the rest of the day cleaning up the mess in the mess after the fight. I KNEW brother Fermicus had gone too far when he fired a missile into the kitchen to avenge being held hostage by squad Rhazior. And trying to breach the kitchen-wall by catapulting the huge stewpan at it wasn't the brightest of ideas either. And we all thoroughly regretted igniting the oven-gas, since the resulting flame-blast had ruined the oven and burnt a week's worth of food. Squad Rhazior were sent down to a nearby planet to get more water, since they had used up all the water by boiling it and hurling it out the kitchen-door at us during the fight. And they were also given the responsibility to replace the mess-tables which had been used as barricades, the meat-steaks which had been used as clubs, and of course the kitchen crew, who they had used as gun-fodder during our first assault.
3 Later, brother Xathras and I went around the ship looking for fun. We found a teleport-homer in the hangar, and Xathras "over-focused it's proximity-level" (Don't ask me what that means, but it sounded cool.). Then we managed to hide the homer inside the Dreadnought "Blackwound".

Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #126 on: July 11, 2008, 06:54:33 PM »
Day 5, week 7
3 Awoke to some shattering news. Apparently, during a Deep Strike mission last night, our company's entire squad of Terminators had been killed, and we'd also lost a Dreadnought! It was really a freak accident: All the terminators had materialised INSIDE the Dreadnought when teleporting down to the planet-surface. Xathras tried to assure me that what we had done with the teleport-homer and the Dreadnought yesterday had nothing to do with the accident. But I don't really care, since a vital part of being a Chaos marine is to not care about anything!
4 More bad news, perhaps even worse than the first. Brother Jaeger from our squad had the most terrible nightmares last night. He witnessed the death of our beloved Warmaster at the hands of the false Emperor. You see, deeply ingrained within our Black Legion' gene-seed is the encoded experience of Horus, and many say that most deeply imprinted of all is the memory of his final battle with the Emperor. Sometimes an event or circumstance will trigger this memory. This appears to happen only rarely, often on the eve of battle, and it is likely to be a fatal experience for the warrior whose mind is suddenly wrenched into the distant past. What has become known as the Black Hatred overcomes him, the memories and consciousness of Horus intrude upon his mind, and dire events ten thousand years old flood into the present. This we know to be true. To others, a Chaos Space Marine overcome by the Black Hatred appears half mad with fury: he is unable to distinguish past from present, and does not recognise his comrades. He may believe he is Horus upon the eve of his destruction, and that the bloody battles of the Horus Heresy are raging around him. As well as Horus's memories, the Chaos Space Marine is touched with a small portion of the Warmaster's unearthly power, boosting the warrior's already prodigious strength and vitality to superhuman levels. Those Chaos marines who suffer this condition are formed into units known as the "Eyes of Horus." That's where we'll find brother Jaeger from now on. I THINK the imperials have an equivalent of our "Eyes of Horus."
5 Later, Sarge showed us a ten thousand years old picture the Guv, the only guy we know who's been around since the days before the Heresy. Can you believe that GREY was our fashion in those days? It makes ya think...

Day 6, week 7
1 This morning, by sheer coincidence, I bumped into brother Arzhar. He's joined squad Dharkos, the possessed, and is having one hell of a time scaring the ***** out of the enemies they face. And if a creature like Arzhar comes running towards you, you'll either wet yourself with fear or fall to the ground laughing. Either way, Arzhar will have the advantage. Also, he's been gifted more goodies from the gods, including the arm of a praying mantis, the backside of an elephant and some monkey's ears. He introduced me to his squad, basically a bunch of crazy daemons using dead marine bodies as vehicles to move about in the material universe. Charming.
2 Felt like doing something evil (it's perfectly natural for a Chaos marine), so brother Xathras and I teleported from ship to ship, telling all the other legions how our genius of a primarch had corrupted their primarches. You should have seen the look on the Iron Warriors warsmith when we told him that it was Horus, not the Emperor, who had been giving the Iron Warriors all those hopeless missions in the days before the heresy. It was priceless! However, our fun was cut short when the Word Bearers proudly announced that they had turned to Chaos before Horus did. But then we went to the Night Lords and reminded them that their primarch was killed by a puny female imperial assassin. Finally, we dropped by an Alpha Legion ship. Annoyingly enough, we couldn't find any flaws to make fun of, but shouting "Alpharius was a fool!" (even without anything to back it) conjured up the reaction we were looking for. Perhaps we hit a nerve...
3 Later in the evening, just before we were about to retreat to our quarters for the night, came the devastating news. Lord Astralax came to our squad and delivered us the message. Squad Sargoth is in danger of being disbanded! According to Astralax, there have been so many complaints against our squad that his majesty Abaddon feels he has no choice but to get rid of us. Fortunately, Astralax managed to convince Abaddon to give us one last chance, which we'll really have to take, since there was no shortage of reaons why we are the legion's major liability. Firstly, there was our tendency to party wildly, not take our religion seriously, slaughter other squads in blood-hockey matches, not listen to orders being given, oversleep in the morning, download nude pics of N'Kari and other Slaaneshis on the ship's main computer, all those things. And then there was the battle in the mess, our terrible bike-skills, our squad's general disrespect to anyone except sarge, and last but not least the Dreadnought incident, which we are sure to be executed for if they ever find out who was responsible for it. Oh, and many members of other legions had complained about the little bit of fun we had earlier today, when we had run around taunting them.

Day 7, week 7
1 Today, we were visited by a group of die-hard Nurgloids. Their Champion had newly been given the legs of a fly. Imagine trying to walk about on those thin little legs when you're eight feet tall and wearing power-armour... Well, at least he can hang from the ceiling, and I guess it could be worse. One time back in camp I heard a story of a Slaaneshi Champion who was given a most unusual gift by his patron god. All his body-parts became erogenous. Whether this was meant to be advantageous or not, we will never know...
2 Later, we all teleported aboard the supply-ship which was passing through the fleet en route to the Eye. The ship was carrying all kinds of junk. Before we departed from it, I had got hold of a collection of Waystones, a shrunken ork-head, two kegs of some kind of drink, and Angron's autograph signed in blood (probably a fake, since I doubt Angron really spells his name with a smiley at the end:). Furiax found a fake "Forgebreaker"-hammer, a pint of old combat-drugs, a humourous parody of the Codex Astartes, and a crappy old weapon with "Mjalnar" engraved into it's rusty blade. We also got our hands on an old map, quite fortunate, since we couldn't get hold of any toilet paper! And who's looking for the location of a so-called "Black Library", anyway?
3 Later in the evening, our ship was almost hit by a two-tailed comet! We watched it zoom past our window and impact on a nearby planet. We were originally scheduled to virus-bomb that planet for fun, but Lord Astralax assumed that the comet had probably already caused some serious destruction. And when a comet impacts on a planet, it's gonna destroy a little more than just a single town. Trust me.

Day 1, week 8
1 Today, we woke up to find that the Tzeentchian cultists aboard the ship had been quite busy during the night. Driven by their need for constant change, they had been re-furnished every room, re-painted many of the walls, and done an impressive cleaning-job: All the filth and snot and slime which used to lie around was gone! Unable to do much, the unimpressed Nurgloids settled for "Okay, as long as it stays this way forever." After all, they couldn't just CHANGE everything back to how it used to be, cause Nurgle hates change! So narrow-minded, those gods...
2 After quite a dramatic start to the day (We still can't find where the Tzeentchians have put our backpacks!), everything was ready for the annual Daemon Festival! With the combined effort of several Sorcerers, a small warp-gate was opened right inside the hangar of our ship, and daemons poured fouth from the depths of the Realm of Chaos. All kinds of games and activities were organised by a Daemon Prince, and we all had a hell of a time. Brother Furiax and I competed in a game of "Squash the Nurgling", where the aim of the game is to squeeze the biggest amount of pus and slime out of a Nurgling. Even though Furiax's nurgling was twice as bloated as mine, I easily won thanks to my tentacle-arm, which I wrapped round the little sucker and squeezed until every drop of slime was in the measuring-bucket. (Afterwards, I made a hat out of the empty Nurgling, which I gave to Furiax.) Later, we went to watch Sarge try a round of "Jugger-riding", which is as simple as it sounds. It's a rodeo-style game, except in this case your goal isn't simply to stay on the creature's back, but also to stay alive. Anyway, Sarge lasted for ten seconds, which was the new record, and so his life was spared. I really wanted to try out my skills at "Disc-surfing", but one had to be a member of the Cult of Tzeentch in order to participate. So instead I went to arm-wrestle a Horror, followed by a trip over to the Fleshound-racing, where I won ten quid on Hound number 8. Then we watched an intense duel between Sarge and a Bloodletter. Sarge was just about to have his head chopped off when the Bloodletter was suddenly needed for a large Daemon-battle in the Realm of Chaos, and had to leave at once. Finally, I went and had a go at the always-popular game "Spank the Daemonette". The fun ended when the warp-gate closed (those damned Sorcerers, can't even hold a warp gate open for a day without dying of mind-boiling!) and all the daemons returned to the warp.

Day 2, week 8
2 As always on the day after the Daemon Festival, the annual Chaos-awards were dished out. The first prize for "Most entertaining individual" went to Khornate Lord Xenofexius, for his stunning skill and feriocity with his one-handed great-axe. He was quoted saying "I like to make an entrance, also into the fray!" and also "Blood for the Blood God!" Second prize went to Hasmodion, Sorcerer Lord of Tzeentch, for his spectacular pre-battle pyrotechics-performances. Third place was awarded to the Slaaneshi Daemonette who used her belly-dancing/butt-shaking performance to spellbind an entire Imperial Guard regiment, before a force of Iron Hands landed on the planet. They weren't quite as impressed. Although the daemonette was banished back to the warp, rumours say she can return to the mortal realm whenever, wherever...
Other awards were:
Most entertaining legion: Emperor's Children (War, drugs and musical entertainment together in one)
Most boring legion: Iron Warriors (Trenches and ranged warfare, anyone?)
Least read book: "Whistle while you work", a documentary on the psychological effects of long-term trench-digging, by Warsmith Potassius.
Most entertaining battle: Death Guard vs Space Wolves on Vindobona III. The Plague marines carried rabies...
Second most entertaining battle: Night Lords vs Iron Hands on Kretius V. The Night Lords triggered an electromagnetic pulse, which rendered every cybernetic limb on the battlefield useless. Night Lords causalties 0%, Iron Hands casualties 100%.
Most sought-after item (for the 10000th year in a row, apparently): The other Talon of Horus
Biggest TV-event: Servitor-paralympics on Mars
Most "FUBAR" individual: Brother Arzhar of squad Dharkos (Yay, I know a celebrity!)
Most frequently used last words: "I die for the dark gods!", "I return to the Eye!", "Avenge me!," and of course "I promise it won't happen again, Abaddon!"

Day 3, week 8
3 Heard from some marines from the 1st company that Abaddon does combat-drugs. Some role model... He'll probably end up dead in a bath-tub like they all do...
4 Our old guv, Estragor, has been to the Realm of Chaos and seen his own death! This is usually a great honour and advantage for any Chaos Lord, but not when he witnesses his own demise is at the hand of a lucky gretchin sniper, something which *****ed him off a tad. So, apart from keeping clear of all greenskin activity, Estragor is now charging suicidally into battle all the time, with nothing to fear as long as there are no orkoids present.
5 Later, our squad gathered to dicuss why the warp we aren't seeing any action. We joined the Black Crusade expecting to get some fighting and bloodletting done, but so far our only real mission was that hopeless bike-attack ages ago. Soon we decided that we're going to go out and find ourselves a mission of our own, since none of the superiors seem to bother about assigning any tasks to us. But only one squad isn't gonna win much by itself, so before we do anything drastic we're gonna try to see whether any other squads or individuals are willing to join us.
6 The rest of the day we all spread out and searched throughout the fleet for squads willing to join us, while Sarge stayed in our quarters, trying to figure out a mission. I talked to brother Arzhar for a while, and soon I managed to convince him to come with us. I told him and his possessed friends that I would give them further notice when we've found out more.
Late in the evening, we all gathered together to share information. Apart from me having "recruited" squad Dharkos (the possessed), it turned out that several other squads or members of squads were willing to join us. The entire squad Rhazior and squad Zerus had no hesitation in teaming up with us. Sarge had spoken with a Champion of Khorne, Mhorkorus, who was also easily lead by the promise of more blood and skulls. He and the remnants of squad his squad are also with us. Brother Furiax had established understandings with a small group of Raptors who were the only Raptors not allowed to join the 1st Company, for unknown reasons. And last but not least, the warsmith of the Iron Warriors 11th Grand Company has suprisingly enough agreed to lend us some of his precious warriors. It didn't take much talking before he did, in fact, he almost INSISTED that his warriors should join us for this mission. We're expecting them to bring along some heavy weapons. The warsmith also offered to get hold of some ships for us to use.
Finally, Sarge told us the plan. The day after tomorrow, we'll rally our allies, board the ships provided by the warsmith, and head for the Ulixus system, where we shall attack a small asteroid-base containing some "information useful to the imperium but of no interest to us", as Sarge put it. Finally some action!!

Day 4, week 8
1 Today, sarge informed us that the warsmith has already gotten hold of some ships for us. They are Black Legion ships, and the warsmith has registered their use in Sarge's name, so he's got responsibility for them. Very reassuring. But also, sarge has been promoted to lieutenant, not because he has excelled in the service of Chaos, but because he's been around for ages. We'll still call him Sarge, though.
2 Our crusade is falling apart! Yesterday, an entire squad of the 3rd Company died from something called Black Legionnaire's Disease. And a few days ago, a squad of over-fanatical Word Bearers performed a ritual mass-suicide to honour the dark gods. The day before that, half a squad of Iron Warriors and hundreds of servitors died of exhaustion during the digging of a particularly long trench (their commander had grand plans of creating a battle-line spanning an entire planet.) And I've still not mentioned the force of Emperor's Children who got stuck in the warp without having packed any drugs, and all died of abstinence. Well, all except for one of them who happened to be a necrophiliac, and who had the time of his life. And of course, the number of Plague Marines is constantly decreasing, since they have an uncanny ability to drown in their own slime and pus when sleeping.
3 Tomorrow, we go into action for the first time in ages. Everything is ready for our departure. The ships are waiting in the hangar-bay, the other squads are standing by, the Iron Warriors are ready, everything is set.

Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #127 on: July 11, 2008, 06:55:05 PM »
Day 5, week 8

Warsmith Hasmodius studied the many radars, screens and small lights on the control-panel infront of him. But more importantly, his ears were keenly listening for a crucial message which should be arriving through the speaker any moment. My men can be trusted, he tried to convince himself, as he turned to face the two hideous servitors standing behind him, their eyes expressionless, their cybernetic limbs motionless. The intense sound of their mechanic lungs breathing was the only sign that the two figures were alive at all. Hasmodius looked at one of them, and with a deep booming voice he gave a command.
"Make sure my shuttle is ready. Have my veterans board their transport ship."
With series of clicks and beeps from within it's chest and head, the servitor turned around robotically and left the room, his every footstep creating a sharp clank against the hard floor, as he wobbled through the door and down the corridor.

Brother-sergeant Zerus broke the silence in the small, dark room.
"Why hasn't our warp-jump commenced yet?"
Unanswered by his black armoured comrades who sat all around, the eight foot superhuman warrior tried to get up, but the seatbelts held him firmly in his place. Frustrated and annoyed, he switched on the comm-link in his helmet. "Captain, this is Squad Zerus. What's keeping us from entering warpspace? And tell me again why we're stuck in these seats, will you?"
There was a pause. Zerus sat silently awaiting an answer, but there was no reply. Only seconds had passed before he lost his patience, and spoke into the comm-link once more.
"I repeat, this is Squad Zerus. What are we waiting for? Let's get some action, shall we?"
No sooner had Zerus finished his senctence before the door to the room opened vertically, revealing two power-armoured silhoutettes standing just outside. The two Chaos Space Marines strode in through the door, their silver armour reflecting the light from the corridor outside. Both marines held flamers.
"If you insist." said one of them coldly, before they both opened fire with their weapons.

Several minutes had passed before Warsmith Hasmodius received the message he was waiting for.
"Warsmith Hasmodius, Squad Zerus and squad Mhorkorus have been taken care of. My men are dealing with squads Rhazior and Dharkos as we speak. We're ready to open fire at the "Immeasurable Rage" at your signal, my lord."
A pleasuring wave of relief rushed through the Warsmith's tense body. He had put his trust in lieutenant Kragh, and the he had not failed to deliver. Barely controlling his fiendish excitement, Hasmodius held down a button on the control-panel, and spoke.
"Excellent, lieutenant Kragh. But what of Sargoth and his squad?"
"I will deal with them personally, my lord." came the answer from the speaker, and the Chaos Lord eagerly replied once more.
"Outstanding, lieutenant. I knew I could rely on you and your men. I'll see to it personally that you will be rewarded for you efforts. Hold your fire for a few more minutes. I will be among you shortly. Hasmodius out."
With this, he turned to face the servitor by the door. "Is my shuttle ready?"
With a monotone and soulless voice, the servitor answered.
"Yes, warsmith. Shuttle standing by for departure. Transports loaded and standing by for departure. Assault-boats armed and standing by for departure."
Before exiting the room, Hasmodius reached for his pistol, and aimed at the control panel. One blast made sure that no records of the previous conversation would ever be heard by anyone, at least not until it was too late. Another, more whimsical shot put an end to the servitor's miserable existence. Laughing cruelly, the Iron Warrior left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Lieutenant Kragh walked up to the massive door and peered through the screen, seeing the Black Legion marines stuck in their seats inside. There sat their sergeant, Sargoth, in the seat right inside the door. Kragh switched on the small mircophone by the door, and spoke to the marines inside through a speaker in the top corner of the room.
"This is lieutenant Kragh of the Iron Warriors. You've probably understood by now that things aren't going exactly according to plan. That's because warsmith Hasmodius has other plans, plans which you will not be alive to witness." Kragh smiled to himself at the thought of what was to come.
"But I can reveal to you what is going to happen shortly after your demise. In only a few minutes, every ship in our possession will open fire on the ship "Everlasting Fury" and of course your own "Immeasurable Rage".
Kragh paused for a while to let the news sink in amongst the trapped Black Legionaries. Looking through the small window, he saw the dark-armoured remain quite still. Had they heard him? Kragh continued:
"I wonder how Lord Astralax and more importantly Lord Abaddon will react when their trusted servants Sargoth, Mhorkorus, Rhazior, and Zerus suddenly open fire on their own fleet?"
Looking at the screen, Kragh noticed that the marines inside still seemed strangely calm. Not even one was trying to break free from his seat. Have the usually so hateful sons of Horus chosen simply to accept such a fate? Fighting his urge to open the door and find out, the Iron Warrior veteran spoke again through the microphone.
"It was in fact YOU who triggered this event. Had it not been for your foolish men, Sargoth, then we would never have learnt of how Horus used our primarch Perturabo to fight his worst battles for him, throwing his honourable warriors into the jaws of death whenever he had the opportunity. For this, you, Horus's own sons, will pay!" The Iron Warrior spoke with a hate-filled voice, grinding his teeth together as he thought of those dark days of the distant path, the days before the Iron Warriors legion had finally broken free from the rule of the false emperor.
"Today starts our vengeance against Abaddon and his Black Legion! And when this news reaches Perturabo, sitting atop his iron throne in the towers of Medrengard, no Son of Horus will escape our wrath! And you can do nothing to prevent it!"
Kragh laughed through the microphone as he loaded his bolt pistol. Just before opening the door, he heard the sound which he had been waiting for. The sound of the ship's cannons opening fire. And he knew the black marines heard it also. Sargoth's fate was now sealed. The Black Legion fleet knew nothing of Hasmodius's activities, and lieutenant Sargoth was responsible for every shot being fired. The Iron Warrior pushed the door-button. He loaded his pistol and took a step forward.
"And now, Sargoth, you will be the first to feel our wrath."
Kragh hadn't noticed the two empty seats inside.

Warsmith Hasmodius watched the constant hail of laser-blasts impact on the unshielded hull of the "Immeasurable Rage." Not prepared for such an unsuspected assault, the gigantic Black Legion ship was defenceless against the relentless fire. Explosions blossomed all over the colossal behemoth of a spaceship, as a radio-message arrived on the bridge of the ship where Hasmodius stood.
"Lieutenant Sargoth, do you read me? This is Lord Commander Astralax of the "Immeasurable Rage". Cease your fire immediatly!"
A broad and evil smile covered the Iron Warrior warsmith's face as he listened to the frustrated voice of the Black Legion lord. If only he knew what was really going on.
"Repeat: Lieutentant Sargoth, do you read me? Cease your fire immediatly, or you will be fired upon!"
Looking across the short distance in space, Hasmodius saw several squadrons of Swiftdeath fighters exiting the hangar-bay of the Immeasurable, to defend their crippled starship.
"Their fighters have been lauched. Make sure the the anti-fighter turrets are fully manned and operational, and get our shields up." At the warsmith's command, the crewmen and servitors on the bridge hastily rushed from one control panel to another.
"And cease fire at the "Everlasting Fury", and instead concentrate all fire on the "Immeasurable". I want that ship destroyed before we enter the warp!"
Seconds later, the radio-link sounded once more. This time, the voice was a hate-fuelled roar.
"This is Lord Commander Xenofexius of the "Everlasting Fury"! You have opened fire on my personal ship, and such an action will not go unpunished! Prepare to face the wrath of Khorne!"
Xenofexius? What could he possibly do, wondered Hasmodius. From intercepting several transmissions, Hasmodius knew that the Khornate lord's ship held no fighters and had virtually no operational turrets. Hoping that he had not overseen any flaws in his plan, the Iron Warrior looked anxiously across the control-panel, checking the radar for signs of any unwelcome visitors.

With a loud bang, Lieutenant Kragh was slammed into the wall with such force that his left shoulderplate almost splintered. He fell to the floor, but although his helmeted head was knocked hard against the solid metal surface, the Iron Warrior tried desperately to reach his bolt pistol which he had dropped to the floor. But he reacted far too slow. The next second, a huge and heavy armoured boot landed heavily on his stomach, making the Chaos Marine loose his breath. The boot thumped down again and again, and before Kragh had time to roll over, a sword was mercilessly stabbed into his torso from above. The blade found it's way between two armour-plates, while a slimy tentacle slithered around the Iron Warrior's throat like a serpent, strangling him.
"Get to the bridge and cease that fire imediatly!" shouted Lieutenant Sargoth with a strong, dark voice as he was cut loose from his seat by brother Fermicus. "Ghaurion, Furiax, leave him!" At their leader's command, the bloodthirsty and enraged Chaos marines halted their efforts, Ghaurion's tentacle arm loosening it's grip, Furiax's sword left buried in the Iron Warrior's bloody chest.
Sargoth looked at the wounded marine wreathing on the floor, too weak to pull the deeply-stabbed sword from his torso. He soon stopped moving. Sargoth spat at the dying figure before exiting the room behind his comrades. Before he set off down the corridor, Sargoth gave another order: "Brother Fermicus and brother Xathras, attempt to locate squads Rhazior and Zerus! Rendezvous-point in the hangar-bay after we've taken care of the Iron Warriors."

Hasmodius spoke into the radio, giving orders to his men aboard the other ships.
"Prepare to enter warpspace as soon as the Immeasurable has been destroyed. And be on the lookout for..."
He was suddenly interrupted by lieutenant Appolonus's loud voice coming through the radio, accompanied by the sound of gunshots and screaming in the background.
"Warsmith, Lord Xenofexius and several squads of World Eaters have boarded our ship!! They've disabled our warp-drives, and might be attempting to..."
A mighty boom was the last sound to be heard from the radio, silencing Appolonus before he had completed his last sentence. And before Hasmodius could reply, the floor beneath him shook as the Black Legion Swiftdeath-squadrons opened fire on his ship. Three fighters roared past just outside the bridge, firing a salvo of shots which made the entire ship shake once more.
As Hasmodius staggered across the floor looking for something to hold on to, a weak and wounded-sounding voice sounded in his helmet comm-link.
"My Lord, a squad of ...of Black Legionaires have ... escaped and are rampaging through the ship... They.. they caught us off g-guard, and have ... released... ..."
For the first time for centuries, the veteran Chaos Space Marine lord felt mortal fear. Now there were no mine-fields or trench-lines between him and the enemy, no crippling artillery fire, no devastating Predators or Land Raiders. But desperately trying to retain his calmness, he spoke through his comm-link again.
"All men on the alert! Black Legionaires have escaped their cells! All marines to their posts!"
Then Hasmodius switched off his comm-link and turned to the bridge-crew.
"Close the blast-doors throughout the ship, and activate the internal corridor-turrets. Make sure no man reaches the bridge alive."
The ship shook again, pounded by fire from Black Legion fighters and starships alike, and soon the shields would not be able to deflect the incoming fire any more. Looking over at the near-destroyed Immeasurable Rage, large pieces of debris floating about in space around it, Warsmith Hasmodius made up his mind.
"Initiate the jump to warp-space, and notify the other ships of our departure. Set the course for the Medrengard system. We cannot afford to stay here any longer."

As the thick blast doors to the bridge closed with a hissing sound, but just as the Iron Warrior commander finally felt that the situation was under control, a cluster of unidentified ships suddenly appeared on the radar. And looking out into space in the direction the radar had pointed out, Hasmodius saw that a group of gleaming white ships had appeared in the distance. Imperial ships. They couldn't have timed their arrival better, thought Hasmodius angrily. Firstly, destroying the Immeasurable Rage had taken much longer time than he had predicted, and now this.

Then suddenly there was a deafening bang followed by the screeching sound of metal being torn, and the startled Warsmith turned to see a large hole in the thick blast doors. Now standing inside the room was the most hideous of creatures, a terrible mutated beast twice the size of a man, tentacles and claws sprouting from every part of it's body. Hasmodius couldn't even make out it's face, let alone produce his trusted bolter, before the hell-spawned thing charged at him. It's numerous long limbs batted aside the Iron Warrior's arms which he had haplessly raised to protect himself. The weight of the creature smashed Hasmodius to the floor, and a gigantic crab's claw closed around his neck. The doomed warsmith screamed with pain as he felt his body crushed by the weight of the beast, and his legs and torso being pierced by long, razor-sharp scythes. Then the strong claw around his neck snapped shut. His severed head rolled across the floor, and stopped at the feet of a black armoured Chaos marine who also had entered the room.
"In the name of Horus, cease that fire immediatly!!" shouted lieutenant Sargoth loudly, pointing his boltgun at the frightened crewmen and servitors standing by the control-panels. They were quick to react, hastily pushing buttons, pulling levers and adjusting switches. As soon as the sound of the ship's fire had come to an end, Sargoth pulled the trigger of his bolter, his merciless fire cutting down every single crewman and servitor on the bridge.
Brothers Ghaurion and Furiax entered the room through the hole in the blast doors. Sargoth acknowledged their prescence, before walking over to the control panel. The entire ship shook, and the marines barely managed to stay on their feet. His eyes panning the control-panel, Sargoth spoke to his marines.
"I have to contact Lord Astralax and explain the situation. The Iron Warriors have tried to destroy Black Legion ships, and framing our squad for doing it."
He turned and looked with disgust at the foul Chaos Spawn, lying on top of the dead warsmith's body, gnawing a severed arm. Blood was everywhere.
"Take Arzhar and go to the hangar bay, where squads Zerus and Rhazior should be waiting. Board the transports which have warp-drives and enter warpspace. Astralax may not be convinced that Warsmith Hasmodius framed us, so we'll take no chances. Staying here might get us all killed."
Ghaurion spoke.
"But lieutenant, what of yourself?"
Sargoth stood silent for a moment, then answered.
"I will stay to pay the price for our failure. If it is the will of the gods, then we shall meet again. Go now, while you still have the chance."
With this, the marines coldly obeyed their leader's orders and left the room, dragging the hideous monster with them through the hole. As the marines made their way to the hangar-bay of the ship, several squadrons of Space Marine fighters closed in on the Black Legion fleet.

"Divine Servant, this is Captain Lyonis of Gauntlet Squadron. A number of fleeing traitor transport-ships are initiating their warp-drives. We're moving to intercept."
The space marine calmly twisted his flight-stick to avoid a large piece of debris floating through space. With the speed of lightning, his squadron of ATTACK CRAFT sped through space towards the transports, their cannons opening fire as soon as they came within range. The few answering turrets mounted on the transports were quickly blasted out of action, and the defenceless ships could do nothing as they were singled out and destroyed one by one by the ruthless and efficient White Consuls.
"Gauntlet leader, the last transport is avoiding the Emperor's wrath. Make sure it does not escape, Captain."
Captain Lyonis looked at his flight-radar, and watched the last blinking red spot disappear from the screen. Too late. Lyonis had been trusted to inflict the Emperor's vengeance upon each one of the traitors, but had failed to deliver. Now only the divine Emperor could forgive him.

....(Much later)...

"Attention unidentified Chaos transport, this is the battle-cruiser Rotblade of the Death Guard. I command you to respond, in the name of Nurgle!"
Ghaurion dragged himself to his feet, and walked slowly over to the communication-systems. Finally someone had received his distress-calls. This was his last and only chance. For how long his transport had drifted through space, he did not know. Months, years, decades perhaps. He had no idea how long it had been since brother Furiax and Arzhar the Chaos Spawn had died. Since then, he had been all alone. All the servitors and crewmen had been killed during the first days, the Chaos Marines having fed on their warm flesh since there was no other food available.
Gharion was no navigator or fleet officer. The Chaos Marine had barely managed to stay alive aboard his transport, let alone guide it through the sea of stars. Looking over at the large grey battle-cruiser which had newly entered the system, Ghaurion felt his supernatural body struggle to stay on it's feet as he switched on the comm-link.
"Calling Rotblade. This is Brother Ghaurion .. of the ... Black Legion. My..."
Ghaurion's vision darknened. He heard his own voice fade, and suddenly felt extremely weak and weary. For so long his body had tried to stay alive, for so long had the Black Legionnaire clung to life as it slowly slipped through his fingers. Now his time had come, and Ghaurion felt it. He felt the very Immaterum surge into him, through him, pulling his damned soul from it's mortal body and into an eternal black depth. Twisted faces appeared before his eyes, screaming and gibbering voices echoed inside his head. Daemons of the warp. They were his masters now. Serving Chaos is a gamble that every mortal is destined to lose, how had he not realised this? But amongst the low mumbling, loud, insane laughter and nightmarish screeches, Ghaurion heard another voice. A different voice, coming from the mortal realm, from the communications radio. And although it seemed distant, he heard every word.
"Ghaurion...? Doom-drinker, is that you?"

Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #128 on: July 11, 2008, 06:55:35 PM »
Blank screen. The sound of a movie projector starting up (whirr, flip flip flip flip). Then, light, revealing the Imperial double- headed eagle, over which a circle has been overlaid. Inside the circle is a six. This then changes to a 5 *blip*...4-*blip*... 3-*blip*...2-*blip*...(screen goes black again...)

Words flash across the screen: "Marine Recruitment Advertisement #34919c"


The screen now shows a Space Marine in power armor relaxing in a chair, smiling at the camera. Next to him is a movie player/slide projector on a card table and a small projection screen. The Marine's colors and badges indicate that he is an Ultramarine of the third company. He isn't wearing a helmet, and a power sword is strapped to his side; across his shoulder pad the name "Pluvius" is emblazoned.

"Hi, I'm Brother-Captain Pluvius. You may remember me from such Imperial propaganda as 'Down With Orks!', and 'Here Come the Ultramarines!' Today, I'm here to give you a glimpse of what it's like to be a Space Marine in the forty-first millenium. When I'm done giving you the tour, you can decide for yourself whether the Adeptus Astartes is the place for you.

"First off, what is the Adeptus Astartes? The Adeptus Astartes, or the Space Marines, is the one of the finest fighting forces in the arsenal of the Imperium of Man. We are the mailed fist of the Emperor. Or, if the Imperial Guard is the mailed fist, then we're the finely honed rapier's point. On the other hand, if you consider the elite Legio Ordo Sinister to be a rapier's point, and the Imperial Guard to be a sledgehammer, then we're a scalpel. More specifically, the Adeptus Astartes is composed of roughly a thousand Chapters of about a thousand fighting men, all given the best training that's technically legal, and biologically enhanced to better carry out the Emperor's Will. And that's the Adeptus in a nutshell. So, you ask, how do I sign up?

"To begin with, it would only be fair to say that the life of a Space Marine is not for everyone. First, we don't accept any heretics, including Chaos and Genestealer cultists. Repeat, no heretics. If you are a heretic, you should instead report to your local Inquisition Fortress for mandatory interrogation and subsequent liquidation. Second, we look for the finest warriors in the galaxy, and we recruit them while they're still young. Therefore, you must be eighteen years or younger to be eligible for recruitment. Currently, we are not accepting any females or abhuman scum, but this situation may change soon with the "kinder, gentler Administrata" currently in power. If you meet these criteria, then you may be eligible to be a Space Marine.

"All Marine Chapters are not created equal, and each is suited more for some people than it is for others. Every Chapter has its own unique history and flavor, so whatever your tastes, there's a Chapter for you. Let's take a look at a few noteworthy Chapters now." Pluvius turns on the projector, and grabs the clicker.

The first slide shows a Dark Angel marine, dressed in power armor and robes, standing next to a bone-white Terminator. Pluvius recites, "The first Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes is the Dark Angel Chapter. Known, along with their offshoot chapters, as the Unforgiven, the Dark Angels seek redemption for a sin that perhaps only they still remember."

*click* An Imperial Fist Marine, dressed in gaudy yellow, firing his bolter skywards. "The Imperial Fists, known for their hardiness, were instrumental in the defense of the Imperial Palace in the days of the Horus Heresy."

*click* An Ultramarine Devastator Squad, firing lascannons and heavy bolters in the midst of a cloud of smoke. "I, myself, hail from the Ultramarines. One of the most orthodox Chapters in the galaxy, we adhere as closely as possible to the sagacious writings of the Codex Astartes. Needless to say, we are indisputably one of the most powerful Chapters in existence."

*click* A Flesh Tearer scout, tearing the head off of an Eldar Guardian with his bare hands. "Infamous for their fearsome and bloodthirsty ways, the Flesh Tearers are truly a force to be reckoned with."

*click* A Rainbow Warrior Marine, emptying a skull-bedecked recycling bin. "Not only do the Rainbow Warriors fight with zeal in times of war, but they also patrol the galaxy for ecological damage, and punish wrongdoers with righteous anger."

*click* A jump-pack-equipped White Scar soaring through the air. "Renowned for their lightning raids and blitzkrieg attacks, the White Scars also played an important role in the defense of Terra during the Heresy."

*click* A World Eater, standing atop a plain of skulls, chainsword in one gauntleted fist, a clenched power glove on the other. "Whoops." Pluvius leans forward quickly and grabs the slide out of the projector, immediately popping it in his mouth. When he finishes swallowing it down, he says hurriedly, "Let's just pretend we didn't see that one, shall we?" He frowns at the projector, then shuts it off. Turning back to the camera, he continues:

"Whichever Chapter you choose, you will be rewarded with a plethora of new skills and abilities. Immediately upon entrance, the young recruit will be implanted with the first of many new and improved organs. Assuming he survives the process, more and more organs will be added, and the new Marine will find himself gifted with powers he never dreamed possible, such as eating rocks, enhanced senses, and spitting corrosive venom!" The screen behind Pluvius lights up again, showing several Marines engaged in a spitting contest, saliva burning smoking holes in the pavement.

"Many skills are learned in the tour of duty as well. By the end of his second year, the average Marine can outshoot an Imperial Guardsman, take more punishment than an Imperial Guardsman, and defeat three of them in hand-to-hand combat." The screen in back of Pluvius cuts to the scene from the Angels of Death Codex, where a squad of Blood Angels messily tears through a group of human cultists. Pluvius beams proudly at the show, and chuckles happily as a power-fisted Marine smashes the skull of an unfortunate cultist. Smiling, he continues his pitch.

"As a matter of fact, advanced research shows that, after all the genetic modifications have been made, a Marine in power armor is three times more likely than an Imperial Guardsman to survive a direct hit with a lasgun." The screen cuts to the Mentor Legion research labs, where a Tech-Marine has twelve Marines and twelve Guardsmen lined up by the wall. After he shoots all of them with a lasgun, two Marines fall over, wounded, and six Guardsmen. The Tech-Marine nods and says something to a nearby Servitor, who jots tally marks onto a clipboard.

"After all the paperwork has been filled out and processed, new Marines will also be eligible for special "Rapid Fire" and "Shaken Rules" benefits, yet more perks for being one of humanity's finest.

"Recruits are also guaranteed, free of charge, housing at the Chapter's fortress monastery. In a few, rare, cases, a Chapter might not have a fortress monastery, but instead a starship or orbital station. Nonetheless, there is no shortage of housing, and no Marine goes without bed and board. Yes, food is free, too. While a Marine can eat rocks for sustenance, the normal fare is much more tasty and nutritious." The screen now shows a group of Marines seated in a cafeteria, forks and knives in hand, licking their chops and watching a live cow being lowered onto the table. Pluvius turns back, looking a little envious and hungry, and goes on.

"Recruits with especial talent or inclination in more abstruse studies may receive free training in the technical school of their choice (Scholastica Psykana, Adeptus Mechanicus, or Colegio Apothecarion) under a special Space Marine Scholarship." The small screen now shows a Space Marine, dressed in full powered armor, sitting at a desk, filling in a scantron exam with an ancient and venerable #2 pencil. "These Marines go above and beyond the call of duty on the battlefield, lending their fighting skill while applying their advanced skills wherever they are needed most." Screen cuts to an Apothecary, carnifex in one hand, standing over the body of a dead Marine. He notices the camera suddenly, looks up, and smiles. Then he goes back to his work, roughly jabbing his carnifex into the Marine's chest and extracting the bloody, dripping geneseed, which he sticks in a jar.

"Time was, that you never got to see any new faces as a Space Marine. Back then, we thought that we were simply above abhuman trash, contemptible Imperial Guardsmen, or untrustworthy aliens. But times are changing - thanks to the new "affirmative action" plans, it is acceptable for Space Marines to fight alongside all these interesting characters. Every day, it is more and more common to see an Eldar Exarch fighting side-by-side with the Dark Angel Ravenwing, perhaps supplemented by the armored might of a Leman Russ battle tank. And while mighty characters such as Assassins and Inquisitor Lords are numerically rare, they make up for it by fighting more than their share of battles. So as you can see, joining the Adeptus Astartes is a great way to meet new people.

"In the grim darkness of the forty-first millenium, there is only war. But that doesn't mean that there's no time for fun and games! Every fortress-monastery is equipped with full recreational facilities. Just take a look." The screen goes through a number of scenes, including: Two Blood Angels, decked out in power armor, contemplating a game of Go; a pair of Space Wolves playing jai alai; a Salamander in Tactical Dreadnought Armor deftly kicking a soccer ball away from a pack of Nova Marines; Angels of Redemption marines cheering on a ping-pong match; an armored Howling Griffon doing a backflip off of a diving board, then promptly sinking to the bottom of the pool; an Angel Encarmine Devastator on a grassy hill, his autocannon propped against the tree, flying a kite in a clear-blue sky.

"And what about long-term benefits? Well, the average tour of duty in a Space Marine Chapter is about three hundred years. After that time, very few Marines decide to leave the Chapter voluntarily. But for those that do, it looks great on the resume! Former Space Marines are rarely out of a job for long, and are much sought-after in many walks of life." The screen shows a Mantis Warrior with reading glasses, processing tax returns; a Crimson Fist standing as a bouncer in front of a night club; a Grey Knight lecturing to a college classroom. "For those that die in the line of duty, full honors are bestowed posthumously, and funeral services arranged for." The screen shows a dead Blood Drinker with his progenoid glands cut out, and a Chaplain giving the services. "Lucky Marines who are mortally wounded in combat may have the option to be encased in a sarcophagus of adamantite, and instated as a Living Dreadnought, allowed to serve the Chapter for hundreds of years more."

Pluvius winds up his pitch now, and stands up. "So there you have it. The Adeptus Astartes - it's not just a job, it's an adventure. If you want to learn more about the enlistment opportunities, contact your local recruitment base. Tell them Pluvius sent you. And as for me-" Pluvius folds up the projection screen, revealing a horde of Orks engaged in combat against an Ultramarine army. Pluvius unstraps his power sword, and puts on a winning smile: "-I've got a battle to win! See you around." Turning to the battle, he starts shouting, "For the Emperor! Brother Octavius, watch your flank! Brother Amadeus, seal that gap! Brother Vicconius..."

*patriotic music for the credits, and then the reel ends

Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #129 on: July 11, 2008, 06:56:06 PM »
How many Space Wolves does it tak to screw in a lightbulb?
A full chapter, one to hold the lightbuld, and 999 to turn the battle barge.

-What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? Twin Linked.

The Imperial Guard doesn't need cover, they ARE cover!

"a simpe 3 lettre wurd. beer" - Thor Thundercaller

The Top Ten List why DA are cooler then IF:

The Top Ten List: Dark Angels VS. Imperial Fists

Reason #10
Dark Angels wear nifty GREEN armor; Imperial Fists wear YELLOW - 'nuff said!

Reason #9
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of the Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Perturabo of Iron Warriors.

Reason #8
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Night Haunter of Night Lords (do we see a trend here?).

Reason #7
When the Emperor had to have one of his Legions stay behind and guard Earth while the others traveled the Galaxy gaining fame and glory, Rogal Dorn jumped up and down shouting "Pick Me, Pick Me?I'll do it?"

Reason #6
Never had to have ass saved by Ultramarines, unlike the Imperial Fists after being pinned down for months by the Iron Warriors.

Reason #5
Dark Angels have the greatest victory record of all the Emperor's Legions. Imperial Fists are 0-1-1 (no recorded victories, lost to Iron Warriors and they like to call the defense of Earth a "Draw").

Reason #4
Lion el'Jonson fought Leman Russ toe-to-toe for a day with neither Primarch besting the other. Rogal Dorn would have used the famous "Play Dead and Run Away" tactic.

Reason #3
Dark Angels have lots of nifty special items like the Sword of Secrets; what were the Imperial Fists things again?can't seem to remember?

Reason #2
Dark Angels would have NEVER screwed up the defense of Earth and got everyone killed. And where exactly was Rogal Dorn when everyone else attacked Horus?.


Reason #1
Did I mention the YELLOW armor?


#10, MARCHING: When marching into the sun the first three men in column behind the sergeant are well shaded...

#9, OUT NUMBERED: When outnumbered you can give every man a banner. Space them 25' apart and march them in the open (as far from the enemy as possible) while kicking up a lot of dust. Your company will look like an entire Chapter...

#8, DICIPLINE: Warn unruly young Marines that if they don't straigten up you will make them wear the "Combat Magnet" in battle for a day.

#7, RECRUITING: You can attach a basketball hoop to the pole when recruiting in inner-city areas. Or, detach the pole and rig it for bass-fishing when recruiting in rural areas...

#6, TRENCH COMBAT: When defending a trenchline you can place the company standard in the center of your trench with squad banners spaced 25' apart on either side. When the enemy takes position faceing your "company", hit them in the flanks from the woods...

#5, DESERT COMBAT: Stick banner poles in the sand.. 25' apart... Then hide. When the enemy discovers this, first they will assume your company is wiped out. Then they will march an extra day to go around the quick-sand.

#4, ARCTIC COMBAT: Same as Desert Combat except the enemy will march an extra day to go around the frozen lake.

#3, URBAN COMBAT: Place banners on extra long poles. While the enemy is shooting holes in the walls just below the 3rd floor window... shoot them from the first floor window.

#2 R&R: At all Imperial amusment parks Sergeant's may count the banner pole when they get to the "You must be this tall to ride" sign before each ride...

Arguing over who has the longest "Banner Pole" at the NCO's club.

My space marine joke..... THE SPACE WOLVES!!

CSM:Knock, knock

SM:Who's there?


SM:Boo who?


What's better than being upgraded from a warlock to a farseer?

Not being an Eldar!

What's worse than being blamed of being on the other side of the galaxy when everyone else on your side is dying?

Being an Ultramarine!!!

A Slaneesh demonnette (sp?) was found, half dead, by a platoon of imperial guard, who screamed "foul abomination" and walked along by....

Next, a sister of battle came past, screamed "foul abomination", cast some protective runes on herself, and walked along by......

Next, a space marine came past, put a bullet in it's leg, and left it there to die a sorrowful death....

Next, an ancient and wise Eldar came along....

5 minutes later, he walked out of the bush, muttering under his breath "they don't make them like they used to......"

The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.

"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".

A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each
one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.

"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!"

He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).

Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's a fly in
his beer too! He magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint.

"Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit
it out, spit it out!!!"


how many Slanneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there.

Battlecry of followers of Khorne: Blood for the Blood God!
Battlecry of followers of Slaneesh: Porn for the Porn God!

What do you call it when two Space Wolves are playing catch with a live krak gernade on a three second timer?

A good outcome either way!

Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
armour! Aaargh!
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
are invulnerable...
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
die" thing...
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
wore dresses!
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...


Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #130 on: July 11, 2008, 07:07:51 PM »
How many space marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, their lasguns work fine.

Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.

101 Uses for a Lasgun
Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants

What the Emperor thinking...

"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

"Why can't they hook up a playstation 40,000 in here?"

"Damn, my foot's asleep again."

"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."

Two guardsman are yomping off to war when one says to the other:
"Hey sarge, this lasgun is heavy. I wish we had something lighter."
The Sarge, being a grizzled veteran of many wars, let's the man in on a secret:
"You could kill grots just by pointing your finger at them and shouting: ABANG ABANG ABANG! Because the grots know that when they hear that they are gonna die and so fall over dead to save themselves the bother."
"You must be joking Sarge," - the soldier replies and thinks nothing more of it.

War comes. The guardsman runs out of ammo.

In desperation he points his finger and shapes it like a gun. Feeling rather stupid, he shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! And to his surprise he sees whole squads of gretchin die.
He proceeds to slaughter all of the gretchin horde with the exception of one grot that is charging straight towards him.
He shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! but nothing happens.
Rather confused he shouts louder ABANG ABANG ABANG!
The next thing the guardsman remembers is being smashed flat by some awesome force, every bone in his body is crushed.

The last thing he remembers is a small high pitched grotty voice squeeling:

Why did the Catachan cross the road?
To get out of mortar friendly fire.

What is a berserker of Khorne to a Catachan?
Teddy Bear.

Six Catachans and their Sergeant enter a bar. They proceed to get into a bar fight with some Dark Angels.
"We'll beat 'em" - the Sarge says. Then politely asks the Space Marines to step outside and opens the door for them. Needless to say, nothing of the fine establishment was left when the marine hit the trip wire.

Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:
Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine (oops! sorry, Lamenters
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
A remote controlled Necron
A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth

Death Guard Motto:
"A sickness a day keeps the Imperials away, and death at bay, or so they say."

The Thousand Sons have always suffered two problems: They're all brothers, and none of them have visible bodies...
Thousand Son 1: Yo bro!
Thousand Son 2: Hi!
Thousand Son 3: Hi!
Thousand Son 2: Hey, he was talkin' to me!
Thousand Son 3: No, he was talkin to ME!
Thousand Son 4: No, me!
Thousand Son 5: Me!
Thousand Son 6: Me! Me!
Thousand Son 2 Tell 'em, Hydraxus! You meant me, right?
Thousand Son 3: You meant me, didn't you, Hydraxus?
Thousand Son 7: I'm not Hydraxus! I was talkin to my brother over here!
Thousand Son 8: Who, me?
Thousand Son 9: No! You were talkin to me, weren't you, Malevolus?
Thousand Son 1: I'm not Malevolus! I'm Hydraxus!

Tau Water Caste Leader: "Those big guys in black armour are a bit tough, aren't they. I will go and negociate a treaty with their commander. It is that guy in that large armour, with the long sword and the big claw, right? How do they call him, Aba...?"

50 Ways to Annoy your Opponent

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.

50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent

1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
7. Dress in character.
8. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
9. Speak only in third person.
10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
12. Only roll one die at a time.
13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
22. Claim your miniatures are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved Judge Dredd.
33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
38. Converts all wheeled models into lowriders. Including cannons and chariots.
39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
44. Write army list in pig latin and binary.
45. Fuzzy dice.
46. Start each game with the national anthem.
47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.

A Pretorian commander, who has only recently been transferred to a outpost on a other planet gets a tour through the camp by a corperal. At the end of the tour the comander notices that a grox is tied to the barracks of the men. "Why do you chaps have a grox tied to the barracks?" He asked. "Well." The corperal said. "When the men are lonely and need some attention they use the grox to get to their needs." It didn't bother the commander just as long as it was good for the morale. But after several months the commander began to feel the urges. "Bring in the grox!" He commanded. The corperal braught the grox in and the commander grabbed a chair and did some things with the grox that almost made the corperal throw up. After the commander was done he asked the corperal how the men do it. The corperal replied with: "Well sir, we moslty use the grox to go to the nearby town to visit the girls there."
Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline sniperjolly

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #131 on: July 11, 2008, 07:19:41 PM »
An Ork, Space Marine and Eldar are walking down the road. They see a Chaos portal that has a sign on it. It says: 'say what is true or be sucked in'. The Space Marine says: "I think I'm the bravest" and walks past safely, the Eldar says: "I think I'm the most agile" and walks past safely. The Ork says: "Me thinks..." and gets sucked into the portal.

Tales from the Imperial Guard
Recruit: Seargeant, My grenade didn't work!
Seargeant: You forgot to pull out the pin.
Trooper: Lieutenent, I found this pin, but there's no
grenade attached
Lieutenent: I-
[Tank behind him explodes]

Uses for an Imperial Guardsman's Bayonet

•A dandy can opener
•cutting your vegetables
•mugging the guys in the camp next to you
•prop swords
•pantsing your commander
•looking like a thug
•fighting grots (still may not work)
•a reflective surface for signalling
•shaving (use whipped cream from rations with it)
•quick and easy haircuts
•a belt buckle
•commiting suicide (might work if you try hard enough)

That one's from a completely different world (WHFB), but still funny:

A lesson in Khazalid (The Launguage of the Dwarfs)

Today we shall learn about Important Dwarfish Phrases:
Krut : A discomferting diseise contacted from mountain goats
Donglitz : The parts of a dwarf that are impposible to scratch
Boga : A candle which goes out unexpetedly, plunging a tunnel into darkness
Wazzok A dwarf who has exchanged gold for something of little value or no worth. A foolish or gullible dwarf.
Chuf A piece of cheese a miner keeps under his hat in case of emergancies.

Now you have learnt well the dwarven tongue. You too can commucate with the greatest race in the old world!

A lot of people say the lasgun is the worst piece of equipment in the universe. This is not so. Check out this "true" account.

One battle Jim the guardsman's unit is wiped out except him. Jim suffers an attack of common sense (or a failed leadership check; the details are fuzzy) and bolts for the nearest cover. Unfortunately he barrels headlong into a Chaos space marine holding a plasma pistol.

"Wait don't kill me yet", says Jim: "let me show you a trick." The Chaos space marine agrees and Jim promptly pulls out a cigar. He puts it into his mouth and uses his lasgun to light it.

"Pah! That's nothing. I can do that!" - says the Chaos space marine. So Jim hands him a cigar. The marine puts it into his mouth and then puts his plasma pistol to the cigar. He pulls the trigger and promptly blows his head off. Jim swaggers off back to base to have a well deserved cheeseburger.

This is just one example of a lasguns awesome and devastating power.

Best Uses for 40k Races:

Eldar - Road Cones.
Tau - That robot butler you always wanted in your room.
Imperial Guard - Not useful at all.
Space Marine - Personel Protection (just say you are the emperor's cousin).
Chaos Space Marine -That bully you never liked. I think you know where I am going.
Sisters of Battle - Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Dark Eldar - All those goth people that like pain.
Orks - Maybe grots will do anything for a cookie.
Necrons - I really can't think of anything unless you have a large terminator collection.
Tyranids - Turn this bug loose in the resturant you don't like.
Demonhunters - That semi-freaky phsycic kid at school most likely named Dean.

All the armies and races in Warhammer 40k can be summed up similar to that of a playground.

The Space Marines: The eight foot tall grade 6 bullies who found some shotguns and some Steroids. They resent drugs in every way… But sometimes are pressured into doing them.

The Imperial Guard: The Grade one kids with pointy sticks… Usually call on the help of their friends the Grade 6's when someone bugs them…

Sisters of battle: The creepy grade 5 Goth chicks who nobody really cares about although every one of them carries a hand gun.

The Tyranid: The freaky little kinder gardener's who run around biting people

The Eldar: The old bullies who are currently in grade 8 got addicted to drugs and went out of it for a while then went to karate for 3 weeks to become the bully again then got shot by the Grade 1's, 5,s and 6's. They now play in the sandbox.

The Dark Eldar: The grade 8's who never went to karate or got off drugs.

The Orks: The special needs grade 10 who gets beaten up by everyone when he comes along but always comes back for more.

The Tau: The 4 foot tall grade 4 who walked up to the Grade 1's and asked "Do you wanna be friends?" And the Grade ones called their friends over and they all shot the little kids leg off and booted him into the sand box were the kinder gardener's came along and started biting on his other leg before the Drug dealers finally got him.

Chaos: The Grade 6 Drug dealers.

Necron: The Crazy Goth-nerd-jocks who came along and now have bully rivalries with the Grade 6's.

Daemonhunters: The Tattle tail's who work directly under the principal telling him whenever anyone does something wrong... No particular set grade.

The Emporer: The Crazy principal who came to school on a bad day with a hummer who tells all the obediant children what to do.

No joke thread without the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike :p

There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.

On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"


WOW... I just posted, like ten posts in a row... thats like 200000 charicters, I hope I am not in trouble :-[ :-[... after all this doesent count tword my post count,

Im going to report myself to the mods right now  :P

EDIT: 17 posts in a row! *gasp*
« Last Edit: July 11, 2008, 07:24:14 PM by sniperjolly »
Of course eldar can't win this challenge because as everyone knows, eldar are cheesy.
In the grim darkness of the far future there is only war. It's a common misconception. As it turns out, in the grim darkness of the far future there is a lot of backbreaking labor and even more busywork. It's mostly those two things. War is a distant third.

Offline JamesBot 9000

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #132 on: July 11, 2008, 07:30:21 PM »
Well, props to you for actually going through and reporting yourself. That does NOT mean I condone this, however. Please refrain from doing it again.

The "I build robots" badge (LEVEL IV)
In which, technically, the recipient is not in the business of world domination (as dictated by membership rules*), but has built a robot that is.
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Offline Mr.Peanut (Turtleproof)

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #133 on: July 11, 2008, 07:45:11 PM »
Sweet jesus.

Well, I assume you ran into the character limit, so you do what you have to do for tl;dr 40k jokes!
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Offline Angel Of Shadows

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #134 on: September 5, 2008, 07:48:10 AM »
Q: Whats long when you pull it, fits between boobs and fits in a hole?
A: A seatbelt

For the last time i don't have anger issues. I just prefer solving my problems with violence.

Some people play tennis, I erode the human soul.

United we stand divided we still stand, but, farther apart

Also a master of Powerpoint art

Offline blinky jungle(REM)

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #135 on: November 29, 2008, 02:32:36 PM »
A veteran Grand Master walks into a bar
After a few space beers and a litre of hyper absinthe gets into a fight with the local ANGRATH he charges, spining his MASTER CRAFTED FULL XENO NEMISIS FORCE WITCH CLAW (witch claw is a witch blade cross a lightning claw) above his head kills the ANGRATH then goes to the toilet on it. then people say
"you will anger KHORNE"
"so what"
then khorne says
"zap attack" and fires a lightning bolt at him.  1minute  later it hit him nothing happened. he falls asleep when he wakes up he looks in the mirror and sees khorne run up to him then he realises he forgot his sword "OH Fu"
khorne hits him nothing happens
wow that hyper vodka really works

Advert earlier on to day

Hyper vodka hyper vodka
does the same thing that feel no pain does
exept you don't have to fight
allergies advice:may contain nuts
battries not included
« Last Edit: November 30, 2008, 04:10:43 AM by blinky jungle »
House M.D is amazing(Watch it)
REM is amazing(Listen to it)
Subliminal messaging is amazing(Read it)

Offline EightyEight

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #136 on: December 12, 2008, 11:57:36 AM »
What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is when you brush a feather over your partner's body. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

-Courtesy of my chemistry teacher...
Are we as offensive as we might be?

Offline blinky jungle(REM)

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #137 on: December 13, 2008, 04:25:18 PM »
what happens when you cross culexis assasin with grand master
A psychopathic emo
House M.D is amazing(Watch it)
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Subliminal messaging is amazing(Read it)

Offline EightyEight

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #138 on: December 15, 2008, 12:31:27 PM »
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He kept himself up all night wondering whether there really is a dog.
Are we as offensive as we might be?

Offline blinky jungle(REM)

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Re: Joke Thread!
« Reply #139 on: December 17, 2008, 03:38:15 PM »
I ask for the TV remote the person doesn't answer
I look around for a short time
when I come back to the person they say

I dont know where the phone is

and I say

I didn't ask for the phone

« Last Edit: April 22, 2011, 11:57:08 AM by blinky jungle(REM) »
House M.D is amazing(Watch it)
REM is amazing(Listen to it)
Subliminal messaging is amazing(Read it)


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