Topic: Joke Thread!

[Talon Undecided]

On that note

If I could be an enzyme, I would be DNA Helicase, so I could unzip your jeans

Or DNA Polymerase II, so I could fill in your gaps

Oh yeah

Geeeks.

 

[Two Blades as One, Samurai Ichirou]

what do eldar sing at a birthday?

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
You look like a mon'keigh!
And you act like one too!

[Schrodinger]

Another geek joke:

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
mosquito * mountain climber * cos(theta)

...

Actually that's wrong,
you can't cross a vector and a scaler.

[Interrogator_Chaplain]

*edit* Hehe whoops, thought this was the Youtube thread */edit*

[Starrakatt]

   Dunno if it's funny but there it is:

   Two Kroot sit by a woodfire, grilling canned meat. The most learned of the too is trying to make out what's written on the lid: "It seems to say 'For the Emperor' me thinks." he finally croaked to the other.

   They both resumed their chewing for a while.

   Crickets could be heard in the dark, dark night.

   "Doesn't taste like royalty's food," the second finally grunted, "Me says it false advertising. Gonna complain."

   The first one nodded thoughtfully, spat a geneseed and added: "Yeah, too stringy."

   Starky

[The Corporal]

Now, this is going to seam terribly offensive, but I've seen just as bad on this thread, so here goes...

This hippy gets on a bus and sits down next to a nun. He decides he's horny so he asks her if to have sex with him. She gives him a disgusted look, slaps him, and gets off at the next stop. The bus continues on its way until it reaches the hippy's bus stop, and as he's getting off the bus driver atracts his attention. He walks over to the man, who says: "Hey, hippy, do you really want to screw that nun?"

The hippy replies "of course I do! Why wouldn't I?"

The bus driver sighs with something bordering on disappointment and says "All right, here's what you should do:

"Every thursday night, she goes to the graveyard to pray for the dead. It's thursday now, so you might just make it if you hurry. Go up there, dress up real weird, then hide behind a toombstone. When she gets there, pop out, claim to be god, and demand that she have sex with you."

It's the smartest idea the hippy has heard in some time, so after he leaves the bus, which quickly heads off for the garage, he immediately grabs one of his old party costumes, rushes up to the cemetary and hides behind a toombstone. Within 10 minutes, the nun shows up and kneels down to pray. Delighted, the hippy leaps out and declares to the startled nun "I am GOD! I demand that you have sex with me!"

The nun meekly agrees, so long as he does it anal so she can 'keep her the virginity.' The hippy hasn't gotten laid since the early seventies, so he doesn't object. He does his buisiness and then throws off his costume and yells "Hah, I'm the hippy!"

The nun looks at him and says "I know. I'm the busdriver."

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___

These four guys with strange habits all coincidentially move into the same appartment. The guy on the first floor settles right into his hobby of pointlessly eating pickles. The guy on the second floor buys some paint supplies and starts painting his room green. The man on the third floor, something of a weirdo, simply stands around on the stairs masturbating. The client on the fourth floor finishes sharpening his combat knife and decides to murder his old army buddy on the second floor. He walks out of his room and into the stairwell, where he sees what the man on the third floor is doing. disgusted, he throws his knife, which severs the man's penis, and then retreats back into his room to wash the image out of his eyes with industrial bleach. The severed appendage bounces down the stairs and lands in the second floor man's paint can. The impact tips the can over and catapults the fatal member down onto the first floor, where it lands in a certain pickle jar. The tenant on the first floor reaches into the jar, pulls out a pickle, eats it and remarks "mmm, squishy pickle."

Oh, and on a different note, how can you tell if a cold call is being made by a canadian?

The caller says "I'm sorry if this is a bad time"

[Flonky]

Due to the crash at Heathrow airport, Chinese aviation authorities have sent their accident investigator: Wat Wen Fu King Wong.

Don't get it? Read it out loud.

[Cris767]

Space marine 1: Eeeeww, a tyranid mine!!
Space marine 2: Yeh, let's squish it!
Boom!!

[Two Blades as One, Samurai Ichirou]

A mix of nerd/gamer. (requires some mis pronunciation of Halogen)

Person 1:Yo, dude. What's your favourite halo-gen? Mine's the Br.
Perons 2: No way man! The Ar is way better.

 

I'm gonna get killed for this!

[Pvt. Dancer]

A man enters a bakery and yells: "I f*cked your mother last night!"
Baker: Dad, go home i'm working...

[Jehan-Reznor]

now in the correct thread i hope

By dennis0bauer at 2008-02-24

[rightfire]

What's got hair on top,
hair on bottom,
and watery like stuff comming out of the middle?







Eye

[Ahhitsbrandon]

Heisenburg is driving home one day when a cop pull shim over to book him.


"Do you know how fast you were going sir?"

"No...BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I AM!"


I really hope nobody here aside from me got that...

Hmm... I don't think I've ever heard that before, but it reminds me a great deal of something Mitch Hedburg would say.

Ah, just noticed it's spam if it doesn't have a joke.

"It's not the photographer's fault, Bigfoot is just naturally blurry. And that makes him so much more frightening, there's a big, out of focus monster wandering the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy!"
-Mitch Hedburg

[lasblaster]

Continuing on the geek jokes...

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He reaches for his wallet to settle his tab, but the bartender stops him, saying "for you, no charge..."

[Chovok]

One day at the beach, Bob noticed that a buch of hot girls were following Steve, so when the girls left for a moment, Bob quickly asked steve how he did it. Steve replyed, "First you wear a speedo, then you put a potato in it when you wearing it." The next day Bob came to the beach and did what steve told him to do. He noticed that all the girls were pointing and laughing at him! So Bob went back to steve and ask what he did wrong? Steve turn to Bob and said, "When you put the potato in your speedo, your suppose to put it in the front, not the back."

[sniperjolly]

I dug these out of the deep dark pit of dispair that is the internet they are really old.

So, without futher ado, the 300 somthing (and counting) space marine commandments.


1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter be-atches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of their "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.
3. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
4. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective on the morn.
5. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
6. Orks are not "cute!"
7. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
9. The Chapter Master is not a "drag".
10. Thou shalt not check to see if your bolt pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
11. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle monasteries.
12. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
13. Do not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
14. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
15. Thou shalt not use thine chainsword as a backscratcher.
16. Thou shalt not use thine pistol as a q-tip.
17. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
18. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five”.
19. Thou shalt not laugh at how small IG men are.
20. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
21. Thou shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.
22. Thou shalt not feed the Orks.
23. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters through the Astropaths.
24. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
25. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
26. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
27. Thou shalt not tape pictures to your armour.
28. Thou shalt not release spiders inside the dreadnought.
29. Thou shalt not use they bolter to kill bees.
30. Thou shalt not sniff warp fumes.
31. Thou shalt eat thou rations.
32. Thou shalt not steal thy commander’s dinner.
33. Thou shalt not take the Predator for a walk.
34. Thou shalt not use the land raider to pick up chicks.
35. Thou shalt beware of strange noise in back of thy land raider.
36. Thou shalt guard thy bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
37. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the nids.
38. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
39. Thou shalt not e-mail the emperor.
40. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
41. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
42. Terminators and glue do not mix.
43. Thou shalt not spray paint armour to make it look cool.
44. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with lasguns. (the guard needs them)
45. Thou shalt not juggle power weapons.
46. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's monastery.
47. Grenades are not water balloons.
48. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
49. Thou shalt not use waterguns against Necron.
50. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
51. Daemons are not your friends.
52. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
53. Barney is a heretic.
54. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
55. Barney is not a Tyranid
56. Digimon are not in the 40K universe. Really.
57. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.
58. Pokemon are not Digimon!
59. Pokemon are not fun to play with.
60. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies/orks/gretchin/Commissars.
61. Don’t play “Truth or Dare” with Sisters.
62. Don’t play “Spin the Bottle” with Sisters.
63. Don’t play “Hangman” with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
64. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
65. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
66. Thou shalt not use the Lasgun as a flashlight.
67. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
68. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
69. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
70. Shotguns are not practice guns.
71. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.
72. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
73. Thou shalt no replace the Librarians staff with a "Magician’s Wand”
74. Thy shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
75. Thou shalt not attempt to kill Tyranids with Mortein.
76. Thou shalt not do it to @#%$.
77. Thou shalt not do it to Nurgle (who would?)
78. Thou shalt not refer to Lasguns as torches.
79. Guard will not be referred to as 'spotlighters'
80. ‘Murder in the dark’ is prohibited when Chaos forces are captured.
81. Thou shalt not make fun of Chaos’ rusty Power Armour. (We need someone decent to fight with)
82. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
83. Don’t give ‘Fairy wings to Eldar’
84. Thou shalt not make liposuction jokes around Eldar.
85. Thou shalt not return books late.
86. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
87. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
88. Putting corks into the engines of a Landspeeder is not funny.
89. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
90. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.
91. Thou shalt not stay awake after “lights out” unless expressly ordered.
92. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the sisters.
93. If thou lose thine hand you shalt not nab one of the Imperial Guard.
94. Thou shalt not waterfight with civilians.
95. “It makes a funny noise” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
96. “He started it” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
97. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
98. Thou shalt not play monster with Orks.
99. Thou shalt not taunt a Dreadnaught within reach of his foot by calling him "The Tin Man" from “Wizard of Oz”.
100. Thou shalt not sexually harass the servitors even if they won’t notice.

[sniperjolly]

101. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
102. Thou's name is not GiX.
103. Thou shalt not smoke/inhale/inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
104. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
105. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
106. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full Moon Out Tonight!)
107. You shalt not dare others to eat that squiggly thing.
108. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the inquisitor.
109. The chaplain is not too preachy.
110. Gambling for grots is not allowed.
111. Your sergeant is not a pugy #######.
112. You shalt not smack the sister’s butt and then wink at her.
113. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
114. Thou shalt not take the emperor titan for a spin.
115. Thou shalt not use a flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
116. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid war zone.
117. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun, when not in battle!
118. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company marine can take (physical and/or psychical)!
119. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds and/or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
120. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.
121. Thou shalt not over-charge thou bike!
122. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!
123. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
124. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
125. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
126. Thou shalt not release Morriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
127. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
128. Thou shalt obey these 10 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
129. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
130. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC” or “Macca’s”.
131. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinous".
132. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch...the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
133. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
134. Thou shalt not indulge in squig eating contests.
135. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
136. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thou armour!
137. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
138. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
139. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
140. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
141. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from battle-brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
142. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
143. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranid's mighty One-Eyed monster (eye, pirate matey... guk!).
144. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
145. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
146. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
147. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
148. Thou shalt not chase thy Gretchen with a fork.
149. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons”.
150. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs” or “the filth”.
151. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
152. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no friends”
153. Thou shalt not use thou's laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
154. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
155. Thou shalt not play “frisbee” with a Tau Shield Drone.
156. Remember a Primach is for life not for Christmas.
157. Thou shalt not eat toast in your power armour ( I'm not going to hoover the crumbs out of the toes again).
158. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power armour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
159. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
160. Thou shalt not put bananas in the commander's rhino's exhaust pipes.
161. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
162. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
163. Thou shalt not offer to clean the sister's armour whilst they change.
164. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
165. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
166. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
167. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
168. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
167. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
168. Thou shalt not swap your battle-brothers gun with a waterpistol.
169. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.
170. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour isn't too small.
171. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
172. “No” means “No”.
173. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might donate some of your own Gene-seed.
174. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
175. Thou shalt refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
176. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
177. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
178. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchen’s.
179. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
180. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles and/or armour.
181. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
182. Thou shalt not play "fetch" with Tyranids using grenades.
183. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!” when Sisters argue.
184. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a demolisher tank.
185. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau (like Smurfs)
186. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
187. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
188. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
189. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing necrons.
190. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
191. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else though will have to join the Sisters.
192. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly coloured Tyranid.
193. Thou shalt leave the plasma gun well and truly alone.
194. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work (or it does too well, actually).
195. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep .
196. Thou shalt not load the dice.
197. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
198. Thou shalt not fire thy bolter at enemies you can't really see but at a leg sticking out of a building.
199. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
200. Thou shalt not make up rules.
201. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... ugh anyone got a codex?
202. Thou shalt not laugh at the cultist.
203. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when greater daemon of Tzeentch is around.
204. Thou shalt not throw soap at Nurglings.
205. Thou shalt not use penicilan tipped bolts in your boltgun against Nurglings.
206. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
207. Thou shalt beware of possesed 2 liter coke bottles.
208. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
209. Thou shalt not aim at thy commanders back.
210. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
211. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
212. Thou shalt not binge drink with the Imperial Guard.
213. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
214. Thou art not unexpendable.
215. Thou shalt look before thou leaps.
216. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
217. Thou shalt not use they bike as a battering ram.
218. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speedbumps.
219. Lord Login is not "Wolfie".
220. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
221. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
222. Ultra scout is not "little boy blue".
223. Never refer to the Cannoness as "big momma".
224. Thou shalt not put “kick me” signs on thou brothers backs.
225. Thou shalt not nail nurglings to the back of the rhino as fuzzy decorations.
226. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
227. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
228. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
229. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a plasma grenade for a laugh.
230. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured companies as agorophobes.
231. Thou shalt not ask techmarines to put mag wheels on your bike.
232. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
233. Thou shalt not sneak into the rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
234. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the monastery.
235. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.
236. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say that you didn't see them.
237. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
238. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
239. Thou shalt not give a Sister of Battle breast implants.
230. Neither shalt thou ask wether those “guns” are real or not.
231. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
232. Thou shalt not overheat a plasmagun for a college prank.
233. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffine.
234. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his penis.
235. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
236. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
237. Thou shalt not poop thy power armor.
238. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.
239. Thou shalt not overclock thine pentium and use it as a plasma weapon.
240. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG. (Hey thanks mate!... What’s that bleeping sound?... SPLAT)
241. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
242. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
243. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
244. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt decend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
245. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau stealth suits so that you might spy on the sisters in their quarters.
246. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
247. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies. (Haha look at that purple Tau!... Guk!)
248. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.
249. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
250. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
251. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
252. Thou shalt not feed the warp beasts.
253. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot hounds.
254. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
255. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
256. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
257. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
258. Thou shalt not use thy power armours’ vid-link to prank call the Imperial Guard storm troopers.
259. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy commanding officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
260. Thy bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
261. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
262. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea. Nor coffee.
263. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
264. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", althought thy might think it is.
265. When throwing they holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one, for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
266. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
267. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
268. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
269. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
270. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychadelic” nor “groovy”
271. Thou Shalt never show an army of orks more than two Harlequins at once.
272. Thou shalt never laugh at the laughing god.
273. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek” with Librarians or Inquisitors.
274. Thou shalt not play “tag” with Gaunts.
275. Thou shalt never tie power armour laces together.
276. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
277. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys” in the Adeptus Administratum.
278. Thou shalt not sell chapter property (e.g. battlebarge, fortress monestary) on eBay.
279. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine battle brothers waste disposal outlet tube (WDOT).
280. Thou shoult not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
281. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
282. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
283. The lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/ Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating. (It won’t work anyway)
284. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your power armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
285. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery wearing power armour.
286. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a bolter hit in the head, the Guardsman over there can too.
287. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
288. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the battle barge.
289. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts/Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
290. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
291. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
292. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
292. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
293. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
294. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
295. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
296. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine bretheren are in the back.
297. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle Sisters still on board!
298. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thineself off as a Battle Sister.
299. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
300. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
301. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet” Fenrisson Wolves.
302. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
303. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch”.
304. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together (they don't have any).
305. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe”.
306. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
307. Thou shalt not steal the Tau pulserifles, even if they are better than bolters.
308. Thou shalt not stick “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on the Sisters Rhino.
309. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on a Sister's Rhino.
310. Thou shalt not ask thy battle sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
311. The hellhound is not somthing you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
312. Thou shalt not armwrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
313. Thou shalt not watch whilst the battle sisters change out of their power armour.
314. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull thier arms off and jump up and down on them.
315. Dont kick Grots.
316. Thou Shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.
317. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
318. Thou shalt not go to thy great emporer and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
319. Thou shalt not wrestle thy battle sisters and try to "pin them down".
320. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
321. A tank is not a toy.
322. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
323. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
324. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
325. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
326. Spiky bitz are not 'cool'.
327. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
328. Thou shalt not use power claws as scissors.
329. Thou shalt not use power armour power points to plug in thy gameboy.
330. Thou shalt not use hellions skyboards to impress the sisters.
331. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
332. if showing a tau how your boltgun works you will not give it to him the wrong way round.
333. A Necron is not a Mecano kit
334. Nurglings are not over date

That enough?

[sniperjolly]

MORE:

Space Marine

Thou shalt not try on the Sister of Battle power armor.
Thou shalt not use skull probes at any point during Sisters of Battle shower time.
Thou shalt not play "toss the guardsman."
Thou shalt not intoxicate Sister's of Battle to "Get to know them."
Thou shalt not exchange power swords for Guardsmen lasguns.
Thou shalt not exchange places with a guardsman for a day or any period of time.
Thou shalt not invite Sisters of Battle to a "wrestling match."
Thou shalt not call prank call other chapters.
Thou shalt not prank call chaos legions.
Thou shalt not make fun of the space wolves for being hairy.
Thou shalt not call the Thousands Sons "Egyptian Posers."


Chaos legions

Thou shalt not make fun of the daemon prince about taking steroids.
Thou shalt not ask the demon of khorne how he got his corn rows.
Thou shalt not prank call Terra.
Thou shalt not ask nurgle to take a shower.
Thou shalt not argue with dark eldar over who inflicts more pain.
Thou shalt not prank call the Eldar.
Thou shalt not call Tau the ones with "better guns."
Thou shalt not call Khorne "The dude with the rows."
Thou shalt not ask the cultists for a "shoe" shine for the powers of chaos.
Thou shalt not play "Frag the cultist", they are more useful alive.
Thou shalt not "arm wrestle" the Possessed marines.
Thou shalt not wonder why thy bolter never needs ammo.

Guardsmen

Thou shalt not exchange weapons with space marines.
Thou shalt not drink with space marines unless you wish to die.
Thou shalt not argue at which tank is better with the space marines.
Thou shalt not call space marines "The ones who stole our kills."
Thou shalt not make fun of the Commissar's hat.
Thou shalt not make fun of the Sisters of battle power armor for being "One Size fits all."
Thou shalt not throw rocks at the necrons, no matter how slow they move.
Thou shalt not ask the Commissar how many friendlies he's killed, for the answers is always the number plus you.
Thou shalt not make fun of the chaos cultist for being cannon fodder, you are too.
Thou shalt not light cigarettes with thy lasgun.
Thou shalt not call the eldar "Cone heads."
Thou shalt not play dodge the "hand grenade."
Thou shalt not ask the Sisters of Battle how much for an "escort."
Thou shalt not "cry wolf" to Space Wolves.
Thou shalt not asks the space marines how many "Sisters they have bagged."


Famous Last Words



As inspired by the 'warning labels' post, here’s a few famous last words:


Stealth suits? What stealth suits?

Don’t fire until you see the whites of their ARGGHHH! ARGGHHH! GETITOFF! GETITOFF!

Hey! How much will you give me if I can make this land speeder do a loop?

Does this plasma gun feel hot to you?



(Guardsman fighting Emperor's Children) Hey look! Naked women!


Nonsense! The Inquisition wouldn't bomb our planet into oblivion just because some fools summoned some daemons would they?


I believe that your 'Blood God' shall have a glorious place within the Tau Empire!

Man it's so boring guarding these stupid Tech Priests. Sure the huge tombs are cool, but I wish something exciting would happen.

(To a Dark Eldar homunculus) Do your worst xenos scum! I have been trained to resist all forms of torture!



(Whilst traveling through the warp) what do you mean you left the hatch open!?

What you mean, you throw the grenade not the pin?

No seriously, space wolves *like* being called fido

(at the Librarian) Hey! My books are overdue!!!

I hear with my little ear something beginning with WAAARRGGGHHH . . ..

(To a battle sister holding a melta) So its that time of the month again, eh?

(Also to a battle sister) ya know I really dig chicks with guns . . .

(when you really haven't learnt what NOT to say to a battle sister) Come to think of it, you do look kind of fat in that armor. . .

(When charging a Land raider) I'm betting that he's gonna swerve first. . .

and of course the classic:

Oooh what does this button do?



"I can make that jump"

(To an Ork with a modified weapon) "That's not gonna do you any good"

(An old favorite) "I am invincible! Nothing can stand against m--- *dies*"

(To Bob the Jungle Fighter) "I am a chaos lord, you pathetic mortal, do not have a chance!"

"I'm gonna make it!!"

Apothecary: "Do you want me to take a look at that
Marine: Bah, it's just a flesh wound.



(To a librarian) "NERD!!!"

Marine 1: "Kill them all!"
(Demon materializes behind them)
Marine 2: "Hey did you hear that?"
Sergeant: "Shut up and keep firing!"
Marine 1: "I'm sure it was nothing."

"I am the arch-demon Dsar'try'hugnar'kyan'porgab'hyush--" *gets stabbed by a passing marine*

Pilot: "That’s not the eject button"
Trainee Pilot: "Are you sure?"
Pilot: "Certain."



"In the name of the God-Emperor you will hold your ground!" - the last order given by Commissar Tachden to the Catachan 43rd 'Solitaires' in the face of an Ork Waagghh on the frozen moon of Iylla IV. Reports indicate that the cruiser 'The Joust', the Catachan 43rd is still missing, but thankfully the body of Commissar Tachden has been recovered.

23rd Penal Legion
- Overheard conversation by Captain Olson -
Sergeant Erass (Convicted of murder of a superior officer): "Hey Chas, got a light?"
Flame-Trooper Chastelle (Convicted of arson): "Sure, buddy!"




"Orks? There's no fething Orks for Twently klicks!"




Wow, daemons look bigger in person.

What do you mean by surrounded?

Bloodthirster? Ha, pushover.

Wait, Khorne isn't the god of pleasure?

I mean, c’mon Inquisitor, everyone knows the Emperor isn't real.



Wait! Exterminatus is being brought down on our planet? Isn't that like.. a food?

He hehe...listen Inquisitor about that 'you suck' comment...I didn't really...*bang*

Horus..Horus...ehh. .. yea I know him! He's the *bang*

*snicker* I replaced the Inquisitor's bolt pistol with a water gun! Isn't that so...O! Inquisitor... nice to uhh... see you? *bang*



(Ork boy)"what are dose big tings droppin' from da sky, and why is tat one shootin' at us, and why are those fat guys comin' out of...."



(Guardsman): look, Khorne berserkers, we can take them, we have bayonets!!
"What’s that glowing thing in the librarians hand?...."
(Guardsman) I bet I could light this cigar while it’s in my mouth, with my las gun, can you....beaky...



Blood Angels huh? Hey, I hear Sanguinus cried like a little girl at the end.



Hey! What kinda treats do ya think Space Wolves like?

Here... you hold this

Umm I think there’s a lot of big guns over there, lets go over here instead

(To a Sister of Battle) So what color are your panties?



The guy in the gaming store...
"Those Deathwing terminators? Man I didn't need them anyway, they were just an F-ing diversion.."



Chaos space marine- sir I think there targeting use, there’s red dots on everyone’s suits.

Chaos lord- no those are just las guns move along


[/lastwords]
and now for somthing compleatly different




Q: how many AM tech magi does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: three, one to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb, and one to swing the incense.



Why are the UM's called Smurfs? Why are Ba called swiss cheese? Why are space wolfs called mad drunken raving mindless... ahem, yes



An inquisitor walks into a bar.

++POST TERMINATED BY AUTHORITY OF THE INQUISITION++



What's the difference between 10 dead guardsmen and a Leman Russ?

I don't have a Leman Russ in my garage...



How do you get mashed guardsman out of a bowl?

With chips...



How many guarsdmen does it take to paint a Leman Russ?

It depends on how hard you throw them...



How do you make a dead guardsman float?

With two scoops of ice cream



How many dead guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on how much metal you stuck through them.



Brother Scout Frederick walks into a bar on Ventarus III, which is mounted at the top of a hive spire. He sees venerable Assault Brother Jentaro sitting at the bar and takes a seat.

"So, what do you carry in that big backpack, Brother Jentaro?"

"Oh, nothing. Know what's really cool about this bar?"

"No..."

"If you jump out that window, you come straight back up."

"Prove it!"

"Fine."

Brother Jentaro jumps out the window, engages his jumppack, and flies in through the window.

"Wow, cool!"

f00lish Brother Scout Frederick jumps out the window and gets splattered all over the ground. The bartender says:

"Wow sir, you're one mean @$$ when you're drunk."

"Yeah well, this is some good fenrisian ale."



Chaplain Dedicus and Captain Insubordin go golfing on Ordus Prime. On the first hole, the chaplain shoots and does pretty well, getting just above par. The captain though, shoots way too hard, and blasts the ball all the way across the course, going right through a guardsman.

"Emperor's damnation, I missed!"

"You musn't say the Emperor's name in vain, for He shall strike you down!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever."

So they go to the next hole, and the chaplain shoots and does great, getting a hole in one. The captain again shoots way too hard and blows a hole through a passing rhino.

"Emperor's damnnation, I missed!"

"I told you, you musn't say the Emperor's name in vain, for He shall strike you down!"

"OK ok!"

This goes on for the entire course until the last hole. The chaplain gets par, and the captain again fails, shooting the ball off three trees and hitting his forehead.

"Emperor's damnation, I missed!"

"You shouldn't have said that! He shall strike you down!"

All of a sudden, a huge white light appears, and the chaplain is obliterated. All over Ordus Prime, every living being hears the same words in their head:

"EMPEROR'S DAMNATION, I MISSED."



What is better than winning the gold medal in the servitor olympics?

Not being a servitor






Do Tau names sound like cereals to anyone else?
Tau'os "They're Heretically good!" that on a box with an inquisitor saying the tagline and shooting a Tau holding a bowl of cereal.

Question: This Farseer can see into the future, but can she see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Farseer: Because they are fated to?

No silly! Because there are cinnamon, sugar swirls in every bite!








From Geoff of Wellington Warlords:

"My Lord, I bring news."

Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in ravaging.

"Yes?"

"Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified aselements of the Flesh Tearers."

"Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."

"Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"

"What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each other!"

"Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."

"They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"

"Positive, My Lord."

"Have you been able to call for any assistance?"

"The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the sector and they are also headed our way."

"Bugger. So who gets here first then?"

"The Alpha Legion, sire."

"It never rains, it only pours, hey?"

"Umm..."

"What!"

"The Alpha Legion is one of ours."

"It is?!"

"Yes."

"I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was it again..."

"The Alpha Legion, sire."

"Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."

"That is correct, sire."

"So who else is showing up to this barney then?"

"The Blood Drinkers."

"One of ours?"

"One of theirs."

"OK."

"The Iron Warriors."

"One of theirs?"

"No. One of ours."

"Go figure."

"The Dark Angels."

"Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"

"No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."

"Bugger. So who else then?"

"The Emperor's Children."

"Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."

"Um, not exactly my Lord."

"Really?"

"Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."

"This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"

"A few, Lord."

"OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound like Loyalists."

"I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."

"I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"

"Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of the Blood Angels."

"With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."

"Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."

"I thought they were renegade pirates."

"No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."

"Oh. OK. Continue."

"The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."

"Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"

"Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the Revilers, and the Raptors."

"Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces haven't we?"

"My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."

"Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"

"I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."

"Bloody hell. Is that it?"

"There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."

"Such as..."

"The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."

"Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."

"Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."

"Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just postively oozes evil from every pore."

"Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."

"The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"

"They used to be missionarys sire"

"We you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."

"Yes my Lord"

"You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."

"Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."

"You're kidding."

"No, My Lord."

"Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems much more likely."

"Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."

"Makes no bloody sense at all."

"Yes, My Lord."

"Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."

"Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."

Orks are massively destructive beings that destroy anything they come across, fighting the Imperium of Man across thousands of worlds. Orks are genetically similar to mushrooms and any planet they land on is seeded with spores from them, making new Orks rise up from the ground after a period of growth.

Therefore, when the Imperium fights against them it is not a war, but overly agressive lawn care.

In soviet imperium, grass cuts you!
then shoots you, then cleaves your head in two then yells WAAAAAAGH! over your dead body.

METAL BOXES!!!!
















only about 5% of these are mine... unashamadly ripped from history

[sniperjolly]

Brought to you by The Smoking Bolter (link in my sig)





This was posted by comic genius known as "Tzaphiel the Apostate" on the Bolter and Chainsword:

TRAITORS
We all know that Chaos Marines can conquer planets and bring entire systems under the grip of the Ruinous Powers... but how can they deal with the pressures of modern life? That's what "Traitors", everyone's favourite sit-com is for! Enjoy!

*The Traitor's apartment. Fabius Bile is sprawled on the couch, flesh-crafting with a rat he caught. Ahriman whistles tunelessly and happily as he busies himself around the kitchen. Suddenly Abaddon bursts in from his bedroom. His Terminator armour seems far too small and his hair is not in it's usual topknot, instead being draped messily around his head*
ABADDON- Look at this! What do you call this, Ahriman?
AHRIMAN- Whaddya talkin' about?
ABADDON- You goof, you shrunk my blessed Terminator armour in the wash! It's cutting off the circulation to my limbs! And now I'm gonna be late for work, and I haven't got time to style my hair, and it's all Kharn's fault!
FABIUS- Why, what's he done?
ABADDON- Oh, he's only acting like he OWNS the shower, that's all! Oh, my hair's a mess...
AHRIMAN- Chill Abaddon. You're just having a bad millennia, that's all.
ABADDON- Suppose so... oh, I'm gonna be so late!
*Abaddon dashes over to the door, flustered*
FABIUS- Hey, don't forget Drach N'Yen... AGAIN!
ABADDON- Shut up! We talked, and it forgave me- admittedly in a way that resulted me losing two pints of blood, but that's not the point! Damn, I haven't even had time to wash up yet...
AHRIMAN- Okay, okay, I'll go get Kharn out of the bathroom so you can wash up quickly.
*Ahriman goes over to the bathroom door and taps on it gently*
AHRIMAN- Kharn, can you just come out for a sec so that Abaddon can just wash up?
KHARN- *inside* I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!!!
AHRIMAN- I didn't want to have to do this... *strange, hypnotic voice, his Mark of Tzeentch glows* You will exit the bathroom... I command it... you are my unwilling pawn...
KHARN- *inside* I... am... your... unwilling... pawn...
*The bathroom door opens and Kharn, wearing a towel around his waist, though he still has his helmet on, steps out, dripping water onto the floor*
AHRIMAN- All yours Abaddon.
ABADDON- Thanks Ahriman!
*Abaddon runs into the bathroom, and the sound of taps and splashing can be heard. Abaddon suddenly screams and runs out, his face plastered with blood*
FABIUS- So, Kharn... looks like you replaced the water pipe with a supply of fresh human blood that runs all the way from the donor ward... again.
*Canned laughter, Kharn turns to the camera and offers an open-handed shrug. Cut to theme song*

So no-one told you the Black Crusade was gonna be this way,
Your Raptors are jokes, Pred's broke, your Possessed are DOA,
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
And when you haven't been able to kill, or maim, or burn
For millennia, doesn't really matter, 'cos...

I'll be there for you, killing the Emperor's minions,
I'll be there for you, worshipping the Dark Gods,
I'll be there for you, 'cos you haven't managed to kill me yet...
(repeat)

*Back in the apartment. Kharn is building a house of cards, whilst Ahriman and Fabius are playing table football*
KHARN- You think Abaddon was peeved with me?
FABIUS- You mean apart from when he tried to remove both your hearts with the Talon of Horus?
KHARN- Yeah.
FABIUS- Nah. He was just screwed 'cos he was late for work.
KHARN- Good thing he actually missed with the Talon of Horus...
FABIUS- Yeah, you would've expected something like that to be master-crafted...
AHRIMAN- Shall we go down and see him later?
FABIUS- Yeah, maybe. *He scores a goal and gloats at Ahriman's expense* In your face, Thousand Chump! Manflayer; ten! The guy who practically destroyed his entire Legion; a big, fat nothing!
AHRIMAN- *hypnotic voice, Mark of Tzeentch and eyes glowing* But Fabius, I am winning.
FABIUS- *mesmerised* Yes, my master... you are winning... and I shall also give you... all my money...
AHRIMAN- Gooood boy...

*Meanwhile, across the hall in the second apartment...*
TZAPHIEL- Argrath, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you!
ARGRATH- *downcast* M'sorry sir...
TZAPHIEL- If you're gonna go down to the Chaos Arms and come back with your blood being 50 per cent alcohol, do your Stream of Corruption in the toilet, not all over the floor... and me... and all my stuff.
ARGRATH- I can promise nothing! Muahahahaahaha...
TZAPHIEL- Watch it.
ARGRATH- Sorry.
*Gabriel and Dasleah enter*
GABRIEL- Yo, Tzaph man.
DASLEAH- What's shakin' Argy?
ARGRATH- My titanic bloated gut of course!
*Canned laughter*
TZAPHIEL- Hey, let's head down to Central Eye and get some strong Chaotic ale.
DASLEAH- Yeah, perhaps that loser Abaddon is there today.
GABRIEL- I hope so. I can't wait to openly mock him and invite his wrath upon me.
*Awkward silence. To break the silence, Argrath farts and sniggers. Everyone else collapses, unconscious. Argrath then pokes their prone bodies with his plague scythe*

*Later, at Central Eye, the local coffee shop. Kharn, Fabius and Ahriman are all splashed out on a couch made out of flayed skin with screaming faces. Abaddon walks up, his hair still messy and not in its usual topknot*
ABADDON- Hey guys. Whaddya want?
AHRIMAN- Ah, the usual, y'know.
ABADDON- *scribbling on notepad* Okay, so that's a mug of raw bubbling warp essence and a cranberry muffin for you... Fabius?
*Fabius is busily liquidising an armchair into stimulants*
ABADDON- Fabius!
FABIUS- What?
AHRIMAN- And a cranberry muffin.
ABADDON- What?
AHRIMAN- Raw bubbling warp essence... and a cranberry muffin. The usual.
ABADDON- I wrote down your usual... raw bubbling warp essence... and a cranberry muffin.
AHRIMAN- Did you?
ABADDON- Yep.
AHRIMAN- Honestly?
ABADDON- Yes!
AHRIMAN- I didn't see you...
FABIUS- Dude, you're second only to Tzeentch in terms of psychic might. You can alter time, twist fate, shake the ley-lines of the Universe and clean us out every time we play Tzany Tzeentch. Why DIDN'T you see him?
AHRIMAN- Geez, I know I can do all that stuff, but it's not like I do it twenty-four-seven, only when it's useful. Anyway, I don't need to use psychic powers when we play Tzany Tzeentch. You guys suck Nurgle's pustules at that game.
ABADDON- Truth be told Ahriman...
*canned laughter at the very idea of Ahriman actually telling the truth*
ABADDON- Truth be told Ahriman, you DID make up that game. And you seem to change the rules every time.
AHRIMAN- For the last time, Kings are worth three, Jacks are worth eight, apart from red Jacks which are worth their base value... the six of clubs is a wild card, but I'll get to that in a moment. You play in concentric order, and the winner is the man with twenty tricks out of eight rounds-
KHARN- Excuse me... BUT SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO ORDER TODAY!!!
ABADDON- Sorry Kharn. Whaddya want? Blood for the Blood God?
KHARN- I'm fed up with you guys making assumptions about me all the time! You all look at me and think "Oh look, it's Kharn the Predictable, probably wanting Blood for the Blood God." Have you never stopped to consider that I, as a follower of the fickle force that governs us all, might possibly make changes in my life, changes that you have never dreamed of before!? Bah, chaos... order... these are names we give to things we cannot truly understand but take comfort in believing that we do. No one can truly understand such complicated forces that are part of and indeed beyond this corporeal expanse of space and time, which we foolishly dub the Universe, thinking it to be everything when truly it is nothing!
ABADDON- Kharn... what do you want?
KHARN- *long silence, then in a quiet mumble* Blood for the Blood God.
ABADDON- Right, that's raw bubbling warp essence, a cranberry muffin, Blood for the Blood God and... Fabius?
FABIUS- Oh, I'm okay with this armchair which I'm dissolving into stimulants. I think I might have stored some herbal tea in my Xyclos Needler as well...
ABADDON- *scribbling the order down* Right, I'll be back in a sec'...
*A chair is suddenly thrown across the room and hits Abaddon square in the back of the head*
ABADDON- *collapsing in immense pain* AAAAARGH!!!
*Raucous laughter from a table the other side of the room, where Tzaphiel, Argrath, Gabriel and Dasleah all sit*
GABRIEL- Hey, Abaddon, get a hair-cut!
DASLEAH- You suck!
TZAPHIEL- You couldn't break wind, let alone people's bones!
ARGRATH- Warmaster of Chaos my filth-encrusted ass!
*Abaddon gets up shakily*
AHRIMAN- Just ignore them Abaddon. They're only trying to provoke you.
FABIUS- You think!?
ABADDON- Yeah, they're below my notice. I'll just ignore them.
AHRIMAN- Oh, no-one cares. Hurry up with my muffin, coffee-monkey!
*Another thrown chair knocks Abaddon senseless*
AHRIMAN- How am I going to get my muffin at this rate? Kharn, sort 'em out.
KHARN- *gets up and unlimbers Gorechild* Just keep about two inches away from me. I don't want to have one of my attacks allocated against you.
AHRIMAN- Kharn, that's so friendly and thoughtful!
KHARN- You must be joking! You owe me money and I want the pleasure of taking it from you when you're still alive and able to scream and bleed.
*Kharn charges towards the four various Chaos lords; two Word Bearers and two Death Guard*
KHARN- Who wants some of me, eh?
*Argrath changes from the Corruptor to the Baneful, pestilent robes blowing around his colossal skeletal body, plague scythe in one hand, flail in the other. Tzaphiel becomes the Angel of Chaos, sprouting massive black angel wings and hefting the Daemon Falchion Zeal. Gabriel brings out a Brazier of Sinful Flame and chants the Hymns of Pandemonium. Dasleah Calin Desai metamorposises into his monstrous skeletal form (remember 41st Millennium RPG, Das'? Caleb vs. Dasleah!- ed). They all glower at Kharn*
ARGRATH- Bring on the noise.
TZAPHIEL- Some serious thwack is gonna get thrown down...
GABRIEL- And Kharn's gonna go home in a bodybag, says Gabriel 3.16
DASLEAH- Can the speeches, it's ass-whoopin' time!
KHARN- Ah monkey-trumpets...
*cue very messy, very prolonged beating of Kharn. Fabius and Ahriman watch*
FABIUS- Wow, Kharn has a lot of blood...
AHRIMAN- Yeah, except it was circulating through his body a couple of minutes ago... and now it most decidedly is not...
*more beating, screams of help from Kharn*
FABIUS- Yep, it's almost as if they're going out of their way to beat the sweet bajeezus out of him in the most time-consuming and agonising method possible...
AHRIMAN- If the worst comes to the worst, I get his windchime!
FABIUS- Damn, guess I'll have to make do with his lava-lamp...

Don't miss the next exciting episode of "Traitors", including the following outrageous scenes!

ABADDON- Kharn, sometimes I think you have more respect for your Blood God than me...
KHARN- 'Baddy, that's not true!
ABADDON- It seems like it... sometimes, I don't who you love more...

And...

FABIUS- *in true South Park style* Oh my god, Ahriman manipulated the time-stream!
ALL- You #######!

And...

AHRIMAN- Guys, I got tickets to the Noise Marine dedication concert!
FABIUS- Wow, which band are they dedicating the concert to?
AHRIMAN- Korn.
KHARN- Noise of Marines of Slaanesh... in league with Khorne!? Mama mia!

Stay tuned!

[sniperjolly]

Welcome back to part two! When we last left the gang...

ARGRATH- *beating the snot out of Kharn* Come on guys, only a coupla more pints of blood left in him!
*Mass kicking and punching. Argrath elbow-drops Kharn, Dasleah bends his leg the wrong way, Tzaphiel kicks him in the ribs and Gabe gives him the noogie*
KHARN- P-please... s-stop... the... ugh... paaaain...
TZAPHIEL- WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET!!?
KHARN- Well technically, I DID die at the Siege of the Emperor's Palace, and Khorne breathed life back into me.
GABRIEL- OH MY GOD!!! HE'S A ZOOOOOOOMBIE!!!
*Argrath, Dasleah, Tzaphiel and Gabriel recoil in sudden fear*
DASLEAH- Don't hurt us Mr. Zombie!
ARGRATH- You leave our brains alone, you brain eating... *thinks* brain eater!
TZAPHIEL- Don't annoy him! He'll stumble towards us slowly and groan! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!? DO YOU WANT TO KILL US ALL!!?
ARGRATH- Gotcha *to Kharn* I'm very sorry, Mr. Zombie. In fact, I respect your kind. Hell, some of my followers ARE zombies. And that scent of rotting flesh just can't be beaten!
GABRIEL- *murmurs to Argrath* Good going Argrath. Any more lies to keep him happy?
ARGRATH- I wasn't lying.
GABRIEL- .....oh.
KHARN- Let me get this straight. You guys think I'm scarier when I'm a brain-dead zombie instead of a blood-soaked, nigh-invulnerable Arch-Berserker of the Chaos God of blood and war?
DASLEAH- *sarcastically* Well, yeah!
KHARN- Hmm... not sure whether to take that as an insult or a compliment...
TZAPHIEL- Don't hurt us! Please! We love zombies!
ARGRATH- Yeah, we're all anti-Resident Evil! Honestly!
GABRIEL- Hell with that! I LOVE Resident Evil! Shooting zombies with an enhanced shotgun... golly, that's fun. And Nemesis? What a pushover! Yep, it just doesn't get better than blowing apart zombies in a variety of brutal ways, yessirree...
*Long silence*
TZAPHIEL- *slapping forehead, murmuring* Gabriel, you dumbass...
GABRIEL- What? What did I say?
DASLEAH- Now he's mad! Mad I say! Mad as chestnuts soaked in vinegar!
KHARN- You want zombie, eh? I'll give you zombie... ahem... *groans* braaaaains...
TZAPH, DAS, GABE, ARGY- AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
*They run off with screams of "mad zombie"*
KHARN- Hmm. That was easy. Guess I've been doing it wrong all these years after all... *light bulb appears over his head* Hey! I got a great idea!

*Meanwhile, outside Central Eye, Fabius and Ahriman are talking to Doomrider*
AHRIMAN- Look, Doomy, you're not really that great...
DOOMRIDER- B-but... wheels of fire! *he points pathetically at his bike* A-and... throbbing Daemon sword... *gestures weakly*
FABIUS- Oh lordy... look, Doomy. Your bike is basically a jump pack. That throbbing Daemon sword is a bog-standard power weapon. And don't get me started on the pulsating gun of gushing plasma...
DOOMRIDER- Wh-what about it?
FABIUS- It's a plasma gun. Plain and simple. And what's all this "He Comes He Goes" poo, eh? Care to offer some sort of explanation for this!?
DOOMRIDER- Shut up! It's not my fault I don't have any damn fluff!
AHRIMAN- That's right, it's Jervis' fault.
*Fabius, Ahriman and Doomrider all turn to face the camera, absolutely serious and deadpan*
AHRIMAN- Damn you.
FABIUS- Damn you Jervis.
DOOMRIDER- Damn you.
*They all stare at the camera for a while, before turning back to the script and conversation*
FABIUS- Okay Doomy, prove you aren't a waste of... *flips through Pamphlet: Chaos Space Marines*... half a page. Woo.
AHRIMAN- Hey, I'm the top half of that page! Let me think, how many pages were dedicated to me in the 2nd ed Codex? Hmm... oh, wait, let me think... hmmm... oh yeah... FOUR!!! Four pages of me! Two and a half for background, the other one and a half for my grossly overpowerful rules.
DOOMRIDER- *Ignoring the rambling Thousand Son Chief Librarian* You want proof? Fine, name anything, and I'll do it! ANYTHING. I am a follower of Slaanesh you know... *he puts a hand on Fabius's knee*
FABIUS- Don't touch me, biker-boy.
DOOMRIDER- *removing his hand* M'sorry.
AHRIMAN- How about a game of chicken?
DOOMRIDER- Sure! What against? A kiddy's tricycle? A Skoda? Some sort of wheelbarrow?
AHRIMAN- I was thinking something a little more challenging... Abaddon!
*There is a sudden hoot and the ground shakes. Around the corner comes an 18-wheeler truck, driven by Abaddon, who is smiling and waving cheerfully*
DOOMRIDER- Hmmm... I see... er... right...
FABIUS- Okay you guys- opposite ends of the street and start revving.
DOOMRIDER- I... er... can't... do this...
AHRIMAN- Why's that?
*long pause*
DOOMRIDER- I COME, I GO! *he rolls a D6. It lands on a 4. He turns it to a 1 and starts to vanish* See ya suckers!
AHRIMAN- Damn it.
ABADDON- No, damn Jervis.
FABIUS- Yes. Yes we should.
*They all turn to face the camera, again absolutely serious and deadpan*
AHRIMAN, ABADDON, FABIUS- Damn you Jervis. Damn you.

*Back at the Traitor's apartment. Ahriman, Fabius and Abaddon are all sitting on the couch*
ABADDON- I wonder where Kharn is.
FABIUS- He said he'd be back in a little while.
AHRIMAN- So, where is he?
FABIUS- What do I look like, his keeper?
ABADDON- He has got that Collar of Khorne for a reason, y'know.
FABIUS- Look, for the last time, I didn't lose the leash!
AHRIMAN- Well, someone did!
*Kharn enters. Instead of his normal power armour, he is wearing filthy rags, though he still has his helmet on*
KHARN- Yo, jizz-monkeys.
ABADDON- Don't call me a jizz-monkey Kharn, or I WILL actually be forced to take some sort of long iron pole and insert it into you. Nothing personal you understand, but... y'know.
KHARN- Gotcha.
*Kharn flops down on the sofa*
AHRIMAN- Kharn... where's your power armour? And Gorechild? And all your other wargear?
KHARN- I pawned it all and got these blood and filth-encrusted rags! Whaddya think?
FABIUS- Riiiiight... *deep breath* Okay, I think I'm braced enough for the momentous and outright stupidity that's going to precede my question. Oh... wait... *deep breath* Okay, definitely braced enough. Now... why, pray tell, did you pawn all your wargear and buy some blood and filth-encrusted rags?
KHARN- Duh, to fit in with my new scary zombie image!
FABIUS- Hmmm... yeah, I didn't think I was braced anough... *Fabius blacks out and collapses, banging his head on the coffee table as he falls to the floor*
ABADDON- Your WHAT image?
KHARN- My scary zombie image! Our arch rivals who live across the hall said I was scarier as a filthy brain-eating zombie than a mighty, raging Chosen One Of The Great Hound Of War, so I sold all my Chaos stuff and got some really groovy zombie threads? Whaddya think? *He does a little twirl*
AHRIMAN- No offence, but it looks like you've just robbed a corpse.
KHARN- Funny you should mention that... you wouldn't believe how easy it is to break into a morgue nowadays...
ABADDON- So, you actually believed our arch rivals and sold all your wargear, then you robbed a corpse of it's clothing... where's the money though?
KHARN- Oh, I gave that to our arch rivals.
AHRIMAN- Why?
*Kharn shrugs*
ABADDON- *muttering* I am going to stab you in the face SO much...
AHRIMAN- Kharn, you're such a fool! You've sold all your cool Khorne *spit* stuff, and then you go and give the money to our arch rivals! WHY!?
KHARN- They said they'd pay me back! Why would they lie to me?
AHRIMAN- *to Abaddon* Shall we just not bother stating the blatantly obvious?
ABADDON- Good idea.
KHARN- I trusted our arch rivals 'cos they told me to.
AHRIMAN- Kharn!
KHARN- What?
AHRIMAN- *hands him a fistful of cash* Here's some cash, go and buy your stuff back. And hurry!
KHARN- Well, here's the thing...
ABADDON- *groans* Sweet Phraz-Etar on a pogo-stick, there's more...
KHARN- I kinda sold all my stuff to our arch rivals... and then they persuaded me to give them back the money they'd used to buy my stuff... and then they sold my stuff to someone else for double the price they'd paid me for...
AHRIMAN- So, you basically GAVE AWAY your stuff and our rivals made a massive profit in the process.
KHARN- Well, in a purely philosophical sense, no.
AHRIMAN- You failed Philosophy, didn't you?
ABADDON- *to Kharn* God, I hate you.

*Back in the arch-rivals' apartment*
ARGRATH- Well, we made a nice profit out of Kharn's power armour and Gorechild.
TZAPHIEL- Yep, now we just gotta decide what we're gonna do with the money...
DASLEAH- Hmmm... maybe we should invest it and spend it wisely, so that in the future we're financially secure and there's no risk of us getting into problems with debt or mortages.
*Long silence. They all suddenly burst into fits of laughter*
GABRIEL- *between spasms of mirth* Good one Das'!
TZAPHIEL- *nearly sick from laughing* Invest it! Good lord, someone shoot me before my blood vessels burst!
ARGRATH- *rolling on the floor* It's like my own personal Fate of Bjuna!
*They all eventually calm down*
DASLEAH- Thank you, thank you... I'm here 'til Thursday.
GABRIEL- *wiping away a tear, sniggering* Ahhh... what do you think we should do with the cash, Tzaph?
TZAPHIEL- I've got three ideas I'd like to run past you. Firstly, we use the cash to build a colossal basalt cathedral, dedicated to the eternal glory of Chaos Undivided and the undeniable holiness of mighty Lorgar, where thousands will flock and embrace the freedom of Chaos!
ARGRATH- Sorry Mr. Word "Beardy", but no dice.
GABRIEL- *producing a sack of D6s* Several, actually.
*Cheesy canned laughter*
TZAPHIEL- Okay, so that's a no-no. Secondly, we use the cash to bribe the GW staff into accepting my Codex. We use the remainder of the cash to hire some sort of Vindicare Assassin to pop off Chambers, Johnso, Haines, Thorpe and Sawyer and replace them with ourselves.
DASLEAH- Like we need cash to do that. That's what bolters are there for!
TZAPHIEL- Well, that just leaves the third option.
ARGRATH- Which is?
TZAPHIEL- We blow it all on an elaborate two-month long holiday, somewhere nice, hot and sunny.
GABRIEL- Yay! The Bolter and Chainsword boys are going to Paraguay!
*Long silence*
DASLEAH- Maybe not. How about New Zealand? New Zealand is awesome. It's probably the best place in the world. Actually, I'd have to say New Zealand is the best place in the Universe. Yep, I'm pretty sure New Zealand is actually God's finest work on this world, if not in the entire Universe. Ever.
TZAPHIEL- *arms folded across chest* A little biased, aren't we Dasleah?
DASLEAH- *mumbles* Yes.
ARGRATH- Maybe we shouldn't go somewhere hot and sunny. I'll fester and attract flies, and that's just plain inconvenient.
GABRIEL- Coughcough PARAGUAY coughcough...
TZAPHIEL, DASLEAH, ARGRATH- WE'RE NOT GOING TO PARAGUAY!!!
GABRIEL- *muttering* Hate you all so much... spoiling my life-long dream...
DASLEAH- Hmmm... where could we go which isn't too hot and sunny, but is generally nice and has a lot to offer young, handsome and extremely gullible tourists who also happen to be dark, psychopathic followers of the Ruinous Powers?
GABRIEL- *shrugs* London?
ARGRATH- What sort of show would this be if we had a special episode set in London?
TZAPHIEL- Yeah, and we all know that if we went to London for a special episode that is set in London, two of us would only end up sleeping with each other and eventually end up sharing an apartment and sparking off an on-screen love that would create obsession in thousands of gormless viewers.
DASLEAH- Coughcough RIPOFF coughcough OF FRIENDS coughcough...
ARGRATH- Did you say something Das'?
DASLEAH- Yes. Yes I did.
ARGRATH- Care to tell me?
DASLEAH- Not particulary.
TZAPHIEL- Okay, it's settled! The Bolter and Chainsword boys are going to-
GABRIEL- *interrupting* JERUSALEM!
*Tzaphiel screams with frustration and chases Gabriel around the apartment, trying to beat him to death with a courgette*
DASLEAH- So, Argy... you're a Brit... what's London like?
ARGRATH- Don't ask. Just... DON'T.

Will the Rivals enjoy London? Will the Traitors follow them? Will Kharn ever get his stuff back? Will Fabius ever regain consciousness? Will Tzaphiel kill something? Find out in the next episode of "Traitors"!