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Community => The Space Tavern => Topic started by: Kritik on June 21, 2006, 10:07:01 PM

Title: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on June 21, 2006, 10:07:01 PM
You know how we are depressed sometimes, well let's have a joke thread!

If it's going to be controversial, preface it before you tell the joke and then highlight it in black. Try to keep this thing non-sexual, Solar.

A post without a joke is considered SPAM!

==============================

First Joke:

A blonde, burnette, and red head are trapped in an Ancient Magical tomb, with no exits. Then they found a magic lamp and rubs it. A genie comes out and says that since there are 3 of them and he grants only 3 wishes, that each gets only 1 wish.

The Burnette said "I want to be back with my Family!"
*poof!*
He's gone.

The Red Head said "I want to be in my house with my Fiancee!"
*poof!*
He's gone.

The Blonde looks around and said "I'm lonely. I want my friends back!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Goyder on June 21, 2006, 10:24:44 PM
A post without a joke is considered SPAM!

I submit you saying that for one of my jokes.

A honest lawyer, a smart blonde and hobo are walking down the street and they all see a $10 note. Who picks it up?

The Hobo, the rest are fictional characters. har-har-har.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly? (lol Jimmy)
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 KG.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

(Lord bless work emails).


Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on June 21, 2006, 10:31:15 PM
A post without a joke is considered SPAM!

I submit you saying that for one of my jokes.

I shake my fist at you.


3 Blondes are stuck on an Island, and they find a magical lamp and they rub it. (yes, another blonde-genie joke).
The genie comes out and says he will grant each a wish.
The first blonde says that she wants to be 10% smarter so she can get off the island, so the genie turns her into a red-head and she swims off the island.
The second blonde says that she wants to be 25% smarter so she can get off the island, so the genie turns her in to a burnette and she builds a raft by cutting down the tree and sails off the Island.
The last blonde says that she wants to be 50% smarter so she can get off the island, so the genie turns her into a man and the blonde walks across the bridge.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Karl Eller on June 21, 2006, 11:48:40 PM
A post without a joke is considered SPAM!
This rule will be enforced too, with any post that doesn't have a joke in it being deleted on sight.

Except this one, of course, but that's only 'cause I can't think of a joke :P

Eller
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Roy on June 22, 2006, 02:57:39 AM
Q: How many Microsoft Programmers do you need to screw in a lightbulbe?
A: None, they have a meeting and define darkness as a new standard.

Q: What's 40cm long, white and makes all girls scream?
A: Sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS)

Sunday School   
 
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted. 
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: RAVEN KRW on June 22, 2006, 08:22:24 AM
I think this thread would make a good sticky so we can continously add jokes.



Two Irish brothers decide to start up their own pig farm. But the brothers only have enough to by to pigs.
So they go to the market and buy two pigs. When they get them back to their small farm they spend the day building a pig sty. The younger brother asks the older brother "how will we tell the difference between which pig is yours and which pig is mine." The older brother decided to cut the tail off his pig then says "my pig will be the one without a tail so we will know whos pig is whos." That night the pig without a tail chews off the other pigs tail.
In the morning the two Irish brothers come out to feed the pigs. The younger brother notices that they both have no tail. "How will we tell the difference no he asks."
The older brother thinks for a moment then decides to cut the ear of one of the pigs. "Ok my pig is the one with only one ear now we can tell which pig is mine and which pig is your."That night the other pigs chews off an ear off the pig with two ears.
The morning comes and the two Irish brothers come to feed the pigs "ok now look whats happened they both have one ear." Says the younger brother.
The older brother cuts the remaining ear of one of the pigs then says "My pig is the earless one and yours is the other."
The following night the pig with no ears chews the remaining ear of the other pig.
Come the morning the two Irish brothers come out again to feed the pigs. The younger brother says "Now look they both have no tail or ears how do we tell the difference now"
Well the older brother looks at both pigs and says "OK I'm sick of this we'll just say the pink pig is yours and the black pig is mine."




~Raven.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on June 22, 2006, 09:47:33 AM
A post without a joke is considered SPAM!
This rule will be enforced too, with any post that doesn't have a joke in it being deleted on sight.

Except this one, of course, but that's only 'cause I can't think of a joke :P

Eller

You mods think your so special  >:(.


A tourist goes to a restaurant in Mexico and sits down at a table. The waiter comes up to him to ask what he wants and he looks around to find this guy savoring this big long sausage looking piece of meat.
The tourist says: "I want what he's having."
The waiter says: "Apologies sir, but that's bull dick, we have it only once per week after the games. You would have to order 2 weeks in advance."
The tourist says: "Okay, I'll have one."

2 Weeks Later...

The tourist says: "I'm ready to eat what I ordered!"
When the dish was supplied to him, the dish wasn't as big. In fact it was very small and looked rather disgusting. When he tasted it, it wasn't very good. The tourist calls the waiter:
"Waiter, why is mine so different fromt that of 2 weeks ago?"
the Waiter responds: "Well, sir. Sometimes the bull wins."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Arun on June 22, 2006, 10:09:19 AM
A man decides to call home after a hard day's work at the office and dials the number on his Nokia N-90. Telephone rings.
Laura picks it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey my girl, how're you doing? Where's mommy?"
"She's in the bedroom. With uncle George."
short silcence.
"....Who's uncle George?.......Listen dear, you go into the bedroom and tell them that I'm driving up very soon into the garage."
"Allright daddy."
Shortly afterwards:
"Hey daddy!"
"Laura, what exactly happened?"
"I went in and saw mommy without clothes jumping on uncle Geoge, who was without clothes, too! I told them you were parking in the garage. Both of them leapt up and mommy leapt out of the bed, trying to put her clothes on, but slipped and fell off the window and is on the pavement now and doesn't move anymore. Uncle George tried to leap out of the window facing our swimming pool, but didn't know that you had drained it before you left this morning. He cracked his skull on the pool floor and also doesn't move anymore...."
Silence for a few sec.
"Swimming pool? Woops, wrong number!"
*click*

After the school year ended, the teach asked his students what they would write on his tomb stone if he died one day. Everybody thought of something deeply philosophical except Kevin, who was searching for his eraser under the table. At last he found it saying loudly: "There he lies finally, that f*cktard!"

Several paki soldiers had recently bought some fighter jets from china. The little chinese dude was quickly explaining them how they worked. "You press this button and the plane goes up. These are for the side turns. That one's for ignition. Got it?"

One particularly unshaven paki asked: "And how do we get down?"

The chinese smiled, saying: "Leave that to the Indian Air Force!"

(hey, no offense against pakistanis here okay?)
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on June 22, 2006, 10:50:08 AM
I actually would not like this to be stickied. No one seem to post in stickied threads, they just look at them. The most vibrant threads are good ones that aren't stickied.

=================

There was this big flood and Ben found himself stuck on top of his roof with water on all sides of him.
A boat came and urged him to get on the boat before it is too late. Ben refused, saying that he is praying to God and Lord al'mighty will save him. After much argumentation, the boat gave up and left.
Then a second boat came, and this boat, too, urged Ben to get on the boat and save himself. Again, Ben refused, professing that God will save him. After much pleading, Ben continued refused to get on and the boat left.
Then a helicopter came. The members on board begged Ben to get on but Ben was adamant in his faith for the lord. The helicopter pilots begged until they were almost out of fuel. The Helicopter left.

Ben ultimately died.  :'(, when he went up to heaven, he was a little upset and went up to the lord to ask a question:
"Why didn't you save me from the flood, almighty father?"

"I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want!?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Captain Hajime on June 22, 2006, 08:05:17 PM
What is the one thing that can bring smiles to a Canadian, Iraqi, Frenchman, German, Chinese, Japanes and a Korean?

The USA losing at any sport.

----------------------

Bad Joke Alert!

What does the local cemitery intern lawers 12 feet down?

Because deep down they are good peope.

----------------------

What the difference between a personal Injury Lawyer and a Cat fish?

One is a Scum sucking scaviger, the other is just a fish

----------------------

Two Indian doctors are argueing at a UN hosiptal in Bosina.

"It is Woma, spelled W - o -m - a"

"No no, it Wome, spelled W - o - m -e"

A Canadian Nurse  cuts in "you are both wrong it womb, spelled W - o - m - b."

the First indian Doctor looks at the Canadian nurse. "And when have you heard a water bufflo fart."

------------------------------

How many gamer girls does it take to change a light bulb?

One and the twenty guys following her around when she mentioned she was single.

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on June 22, 2006, 09:05:54 PM
This guy gathers his three best friends, a shop owner, a priest, and a lawyer to the local bar to discuss some issues.
The guy says: "I am going to give each of you $25,000 so that you can lay it on my coffin when I die. Now I trust you guys to give me the amount in full since you are my best friends."
His three best friends nod and walks away with the money.
The guy finally dies, and his three best friends goes to his funeral, each with an envelope, each setting his envelope into the guy's casket.
After the funeral, they gather at the bar for a beer.
The shop owner, began to cry "I am so wrong, there wasn't 25,000 dollars in my envelope. There was only 10,000 dollars. I pocketed the rest to myself. I feel really bad right now."
Seeing the man's honesty, the priest also decided to confess, "I, too, fell into temptation, for that envelope only held 15,000 dollars. So much money, I mean, he can't use it up there, can he?"
The Lawyer, drinking beer and proudly said, "I paid him back in full, 25,000 dollars worth of it!"
The Shop Owner and the Priest both dip their heads down in shame.
The Lawyer continued: "I wrote him a 25,000 dollar check."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Arun on June 23, 2006, 12:32:27 PM
A German, a Dutch, a French girl and an English nun are all sitting in a train compartment. The french girl is dressed very lightly, and both the guys can't help staring at mother nature's wonders. The nun notices this and looks away is disgust at the two men's attitude. The girl herself blushes and tries to look out of the window to avoid eye-contact.

The train enteres a tunnel and the lights go out. Everything is dark for a moment. Suddenly, a loud *SLAP* is heard. The nun thinks, that one of the men touched the french girl's breasts and got slapped for it. The girl thinks, one of the men tried to touch her, but touched the nun in the dark instead, and got slapped. The Dutch thinks, rubbing his cheek, the stupid German touched the girl's breasts and she slapped him by mistake, instead.

The train leaves the tunnel and warm light floods the compartment, leaving the German grinning. "Next tunnel, I'll smack the Dutch again!"

P.S: Germans and Dutch don't like each other...
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on June 23, 2006, 03:29:15 PM
Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller) Jokes:

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller) drive?
A: Cause she was a woman.'

Q: How do you get Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller) to keep a secret?
A: By breaking her fingers.

Q: How do you punish Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller)?
A: 1- Reareange the Furniture 2- Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. 3- tell her to find the corners in a round room

Q: Why doesn't Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller) scream when she fell off the cliff?
A: Cause she was wearing mittens.

Wow, I thought I would have more of them when I found this site dedicated to her, but they all just suck!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: BladeWind on June 23, 2006, 03:50:57 PM
One of my all time favourite jokes ever! I'm sure many many people have already heard of it aswell, there have been many different versions of it so i just tried looking for the original thing through google...

___________________ ___________________ _______________


Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Irandrura on June 23, 2006, 11:22:22 PM
Time to destroy this thread... let's unleash the ultimate weapon!

The Three Purple Men Joke

This joke has been censored at the command of Inquisitor Lord Eller of the Ordo Moderatus to save the sanity (or lack there of) of the viewers. Any attempt to spread this contamination will be met with harshly
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on June 23, 2006, 11:41:43 PM
Time to destroy this thread... let's unleash the ultimate weapon!

The Three Purple Men Joke

[censored to keep everybody sane(ish)]

Spam!!! Eller, why didn't you gut this spammer?!


=================================


A Mexican, Italian, and a American were working on a skyscarper.
Every single day, they each got the exact same lunch. The Mexicans got Tacos, the Italian got Spagetti, and the American got ham and cheese sandwitch.
One day, all three of them got so sick of their lunch that they all agreed to commit suicide if they get the exact same lunch the next day.
Unfortunately for them, they all did, and each of them lept to their graves below.

At the Funeral, the wives of the three co-workers gathered to mourn for the passing of their husbands:
The Mexican's Wife, tearing, said: "Oh.... this is my fault. Why did you have to die, why couldn't you have told me you didn't like your Taco, it is a family Recipe!"
The Italian followed, with more tears down her eyes: "Why, Why, why didn't you tell me you hated the spagetti?! Your father Don Corleone made it for you all the time, why didn't you like it?"
The Three women continued to remorse, but after a while, the wives of the Mexican and the Italian turned to the American. The Wife of the American, in tears, responded: "What? [sniff, sniff...] He made his own lunch!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Irandrura on June 24, 2006, 06:30:45 AM
Anything to drive Hao Li insane, right?

Let's see, I need a joke to make sure this isn't spam (but isn't this funny enough already?)... okay, here's an old one -

A mathematician, an accountant, and an economist are all applying for the same job, and arrive for their job interview.

The employer calls the mathematician in, sits him down, and asks 'what does two plus two equal?' The mathematician, somewhat bemused, replies 'two'. The employer asks 'exactly two?' 'Two, no more, no less,' says the mathematician. The employer sends him out.

The employer calls the accountant in, sits him down, and asks 'what does two plus two equal?' The accountant replies 'two, but with a 10% margin of error.' The employer, satisfied, sends him out.

The employer calls the economist in, sits him down, and asks 'what does two plus two equal?' The economist gets up, lowers the blinds, locks the door, and says 'what do you want it to equal?'
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Salami on June 24, 2006, 09:41:30 AM
So, who wants me to post the "Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike" joke?  ;D

SPAM!

And now! A joke. By Rictiovarus.

Four old rich men are playing golf in an exclusive resort. They are playing along when the subject changes to their offspring.

"My son", the first one says, "Is a wealthy stockbroker, and has made so much money, that he recently was able to give a good friend a set of excellent stocks."

"Well," says the second one, "my son owns a succesful car dealership, and he has made so much money that he was able to give a good friend an expensive car."

"My son has a succesful building company" says the third, "and has made so much moeny, that he was able to give a good friend a nice house."

They then pressure the fourth one, who seems reluctant to speak of his son, but finally relents.

"I don't really know what my son does, he's never able to keep a job, and I recently learned that he was gay. But he must be doing well, because he recently got a set of stocks, an expensive car and a nice house!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kitsune Tsuki on June 24, 2006, 10:51:32 AM

So, who wants me to post the "Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike" joke?  ;D
I'll  do it and get it over with.

There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.

On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"

"OK."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Goyder on June 26, 2006, 03:35:06 AM
Time to destroy this thread... let's unleash the ultimate weapon!

The Three Purple Men Joke

[censored to keep everybody sane(ish)]

Spam!!! Eller, why didn't you gut this spammer?!

More comedy gold by Hao Li! Thats brilliant man, keep it up.  ;)

And if that fails, Work emails to save the day again!

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."




Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on June 27, 2006, 09:45:48 AM
Time to destroy this thread... let's unleash the ultimate weapon!

The Three Purple Men Joke

[censored to keep everybody sane(ish)]

Spam!!! Eller, why didn't you gut this spammer?!

More comedy gold by Hao Li! Thats brilliant man, keep it up.  ;)

 >:(...


A blonde and a burnette were walking through the forest when suddenly, the burnette suddenly fell down. The blonde rushed over to his fallen friend and called the operator for help.
Blonde: "Operator, my friend fell down and he stopped moving. I don't know what to do!"
Operator: "Okay, calm down. Deep Breath. First, make sure your friend is dead."
(over the reciever)*Boom* (A gun shot noise)
Blonde: "Now what?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: nomadcrow on June 29, 2006, 05:48:35 PM
How many Slaneshi does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Karl Eller on July 1, 2006, 06:24:01 AM
This one is just for you, Jimmy:

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
Because there is no dental records and all their DNA is the same

Eller
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: JamesBot 9000 on July 7, 2006, 12:49:39 AM
For Eller:


What would happen if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die, and showed up 50yrs later like, "sup?" What would they have to say to us?

Something along the lines of, "G`Day mate!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kitsune Tsuki on July 8, 2006, 12:41:50 PM
 The Bacon Tree

 Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.


 "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"



 "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."



 "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.



 "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."



 The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke."



 So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.



 Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."



 The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...

 (Are you ready?)
















 "It vuz a ham bush."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: JamesBot 9000 on July 9, 2006, 11:57:22 PM
Brilliant, Fadingjew, just brilliant ;D
God bless bad puns.

-----------------

During the cold war in the mid 50s, a mathematician and an RF engineer were recruited to man a radar surveillance station in Alaska. They were told that in addition to their pay they would get a rather special bonus. So after a month of strenuous duty in the Alaskan winter, they are led into the base gym where in the far corner stands Miss America 1956. Both the engineer and the mathematician immediately want to race across to her, but are held back by their commanding officer: "You guys are allowed to go to her, but each step you take must be exactly half as long as the previous one". The mathematician does a quick calculation in his head and announces: "I give up, I'll never be able to reach her!". The engineer, however, continues walking towards her, saying: "I might not exactly reach her, but I'll get close enough to do the job."

--------------------

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer : What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor : I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest : Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest : Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They are rather slow, aren't they?
George : Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.
Priest : That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor : Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer : Why can't these guys play at night?
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kitsune Tsuki on July 10, 2006, 12:52:41 PM

Brilliant, Fadingjew, just brilliant ;D
God bless bad puns.
I got plenty more.  My dad sends them to me all the time.

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type
managers. These were voted the top ten quotes for in corporate
America, circa 2004:


"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in
Redmond  WA )




"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might
encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)




"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)




"This project is so important we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)




"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant
Manager, Delco Corporation)




"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll
let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota
Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)




Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)




My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I
told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss
work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change
her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)




"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going
to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long
Lines Division)


How to Make Life Easier

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.Simply pour a cup
 of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be
 almost instantly removed.

 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
 someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
 simply using the sink.

 4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
 for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
 to use a timer.

 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,will prevent you
 from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
 button.

 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
 will be afraid to cough.

 7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
 forget all about the toothache.

 8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
 are:
  You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
 and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
 duct tape.

 9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

 Thoughts for the day:

 If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

 Be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you
might need them to empty your bedpan

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..........T HEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING........BUT .......... THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR
 FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.


I'll get some more later.

Just fixed up some of your spelling mistakes. Yes, I'm bored :P - Eller

Eh, I just copy them from how I get them in my email.  Spelling Mistakes included.

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He
told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell
him what Easter represented.
The  first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we have a big feast
and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he
banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and
exchange gifts."  Once again St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and also
banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was.   St. Peter said, "So,
tell me." She said," Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with
his disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested
him  and hung him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they
buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder."

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."   But the blonde continued, "Now,
every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.  If he
sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St.  Peter fainted.


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking
herfaithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.



One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies andbefore long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in hisdirection with the intention of having lunch.



The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doonow!" Noticing
some bones on the ground close by, heimmediately settles down to chew
on the bones with his backto the approaching cat. Just as the leopard
is about to leapthe old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was
onedelicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more aroundhere?"



Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack inmid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinksaway into the trees. "Whew!",
says the leopard, "That wasclose! That old poodle nearly had me!"



Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the wholescene from a
nearby tree, andfigures he can put this knowledgeto good use and
tradefor protection from the leopard.Sooff he goes, but the old poodle
sees him heading after theleopard with great speed, and figures that
something must beup. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills thebeans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.



The young leopard is furious at being made a fool ofand says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's goingto happen to that
conniving canine!"



Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with themonkey on his
back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of
running, the dog sits down with his back tohis attackers, pretending
he hasn't seen them yet, and justwhen they get close enough to hear,
the old poodle says:

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago tobring me
another leopard!"





Moral of this story...



Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery willalways overcome
youth and skill! Bullamphetamine parrot and brillianceonly come with age and
experience!

I.
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu,
Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night
to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference
Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that
comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child
in each.


II.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.


This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa
has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney,
jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.


Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around
the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the
purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per
house-hold; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops
or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second ---
3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.


III.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.


Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set
(two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300
pounds.


Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal
amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would
need 360,000 of them.


This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another
54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the
ship, not the monarch).


IV.
600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air
resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a
spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short,
they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire
reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.


Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from
a dead stop 650 mps in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal
forces of 17,500 g's.


A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the
back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his
bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.


V.
Therefore, if Santa does exist, he's dead now.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Interrogator_Chaplain on July 16, 2006, 12:54:03 AM
I'll add my favorite brand of joke here: Music Jokes!

What's the diffrence between a good bassoon player and a Unicorn?
No diffrence, both are mythical creatures.

What's the diffrence between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist?
The snake had skid marks leading up to it.

Why are trombone players better lovers? Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers,
but trombonists do it with seven positions!
 
Why are violinists like S.C.U.D. Missiles?
Both are offensive and inaccurate!

Q: How many Sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, she'll stand on a piano, drink a diet coke and haver her accompanist do it.

How do you keep two oboe players in tune?
Shoot one of them.

Three Sax players are buried up to their necks in cement, what do you say?
Not enough cement!

When will the world end?
When we find a good drummer.


One morning a violin player calls up the symphony hall to find out when rehearsal is. When he gets connected the secretary says that the conductor died suddenly last night of a heart attack. The violinist hangs up.

Five minutes later the violinist calls up again and asks when the practice is, and again the secretary tells him that the conductor died of a heart attack in his sleep. The violinist hangs up again.

For the next 45 minutes the volinist keeps calling and asking when practice is and the secretary keeps giving the same response until finally she says: "I've told you 25 times that the conductor is dead, why do you keep calling?!"

And the violinist replies smoothly: "Because I just love hearing it."


As a group of accordion player take off on a plane a terrorist hijacks it and demands that they set down again immediately.

As the plane radio's in that they have a a hijacking and a hostage situation. The plane is given the OK to land and the police negotiators and S.W.A.T. are brought in to diffuse the situation.

The police move in to give the terrorists a phone so which they can communicate with. The terrorists soon call the police and give them their demands and request that they be met. The police however will not agree to this until they talk to some of the crew on board, the terrorists refuse and the situation continues.

Eventually the terrorists concede and tell the police they can talk to one of the passengers. The lead terrorist hands the phone to a passenger.
The police ask: "Who are you and what are you doing on the plane?"
The passenger replies: "My name's Doug and me and all the guys on this plane are headed to one of the worlds biggest accordion festivals in the world."

The police then ask Doug to hand the phone back to the terrorist. He does so and the terrorist asks the police what they want.
The police respond: "We'll give you $10, 000, 000 to make sure that those accordion players never get off that plane."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Inquisitor Yoda on July 17, 2006, 08:24:21 PM
Well as we're on the music jokes:

What do you call someone who hangs around with a band?

A drummer...
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Possum on July 31, 2006, 12:01:02 AM
A plane is crossing the Atlantic when suddenly it experiences serious engine trouble. THe pilots do a quick calculation and determine they need three adult men to jump in order for the plane to make it to land. As the flight attendant makes her way back with the news she tries to round up volunteers. After a few minutes she finds three men, a British, a Frenchmen, and an American. So she proceed to pop the emergency hatch on the door and stands aside to let the men jump. The Brit goes over and yells"Long live the Queen!" and jumps out. The frenchman close behind screams out "Viva la France!!" and the American who was lingering behind exclaimed "Remember the Alamo!!" grabbed a Mexican and threw him out the hatch.

---------------------------------------------
What do you call a sunburnt frenchman and a moody german?

Dinner-French Toast and Sour Kraut

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on August 11, 2006, 05:40:40 PM
There were 4 scholars that are always having a discussion, and because out of favortism, three of the four scholars always gangs up on this one scholar. Stifling his voice and belittling his comment.

One day, they got into a very heated arguments, and the way the four thought were justl like before, the one lonely scholar on one side while the other three teamed up against him.

The lonely man, determined to be right prayed to God: "Lord, please show them that I am right, give me a sign!"

Suddenly, all the clouds in the sky gathered at one place, looming over their head.

"See! See! Look, I'm right! That's a sign!" said the lonely man.

But the other three scholars blew it off as a natural coincidence and is easily explainable as a natural cause.

The lonely man, stubborn as he is, continued to pray to God: "Lord, please show them that I am right, give me another sign!"

Suddenly a lightning flahed out of the clouds that gathered and struck the tree near by, splitting it in half.

"See! See! Look, I'm right! That's a sign!" said the lonely man.

The three scholars again blew him off, saying that that was only a coincidence.

The lonely man, knowing he is right, continued to pray to God: "Lord, convince them that I am right!"

Then a hole opened within the middle of the cloud and a beam of light poured onto the four scholars and in a booming majestic voice, the Lord said "Heee's Riiight!"

The leader of the group shrugged and said: "Now it's 2 to 3."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: JamesBot 9000 on August 21, 2006, 01:27:47 AM
Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - -   scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z.  Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to sunny Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. IQ raised to 27.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Salami on August 21, 2006, 07:09:23 AM
And now, a few Dutch jokes, and requires a little thought.

1. A plane is flying over the ocean, and is nearing it's destination, with 99 Belgians and one Dutchman. Suddenly, a loud cracking noise is heard, and, as everybody grabs hold of the ceiling, the entire floor of the plane gives way, and peels off. Miraculously, the plane still flies, but the captain determines that one man needs to jump for the plane to reach it's destinaion safely. The Dutchman says: "I am the only Dutchman here, so I will jump." Whereupon all the Belgians start clapping.

2. Another plane crashes on the Belgian-Dutch border. On which side are the survivors buried?
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Frescadude on August 21, 2006, 02:52:43 PM
2. Another plane crashes on the Belgian-Dutch border. On which side are the survivors buried?

The side with the weakest laws regarding murder.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: RAVEN KRW on August 23, 2006, 07:40:02 PM
THE HUSBAND STORE


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the Instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. ..
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" She exclaims, "I
can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!









~Raven.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kritik on August 28, 2006, 12:59:20 PM
Eller, Jimmy, and Cossak were in a car together when their car fell off a huge ledge. Eller and Jimmy died instantaneously, Cossak died 30 hours later after intense pain. Anyways...

All three of them went to hell, all of them anxious to figure out what their fate is....

They then saw three doors, each guarded by a demon.

A booming voice roared: "Eller, step forward to the first door!"

Timidly, Eller steped forward, and then the door opened - on the other side stood the ugliest women you have ever seen. She is 8 foot tall, covered in hair that wasn't combed. there were signs of dirt and moldy food. She also has an awful and ghastly smell.

"Eller, you have sinned. Your punishment is to fornicate with her... FOREVER!!!!"

Demons come and drags Eller towards his punishment.

The booming voice roared again: "Jimmy, step forward to the second door!"

The door opened, and 25 4 foot creatures appeared. They were fat and had horns on their heads. They sweat profusely and gave a stench together worse than that of the first lady. They were of mixed sex, both men and women.

"Jimmy, you have sinned. Your punishment is to fornicate with all 25 of them... FOREVER!!!!"

Demons come and drag Jimmy toward his fate.

The booming voice roared: "Cossak! Step forward to the third door!"

The door creaked open slowly, and on the other side stood....

Lindsy Lohan, Pamela Anderson, and the Olsen Twins.

"Girls, you have sinned...."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Fasor'ith on August 30, 2006, 04:14:21 AM
What is an Ork sitting in between two trash cans? :)

A family Photo!! ;D

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-ass?

A couple was invited to a stupenny shuffley masked Halloween Party.

She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party.

In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

    
   
     
     

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep amphetamine parrot."

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and t o have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Yhwh-condemned it! They cant;t digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

Contiguous posts merged, please use the (https://www.40konline.com/Themes/eldar/images/english/modify.gif) button to modify and update posts rather than create a reply to your own reply.  -Mr.Peanut
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Inquisitor Yoda on August 31, 2006, 06:05:01 AM
2. Another plane crashes on the Belgian-Dutch border. On which side are the survivors buried?

The side with the weakest laws regarding murder.
I beg to differ. The survivors would go home... unless you like burying poeple alive, that is.




A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know > about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many >

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents >

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table >

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, >

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Frescadude on September 1, 2006, 11:33:06 PM
2. Another plane crashes on the Belgian-Dutch border. On which side are the survivors buried?

The side with the weakest laws regarding murder.
I beg to differ. The survivors would go home... unless you like burying poeple alive, that is.

But if you buried the survivors they would die.  I know the joke I was just coming up with a different answer.

Those who say papercuts are the worst type of pain have never met Chuck Norris.

Paper gets Chuck Norris cuts.

Cigarettes get second-hand Chuck Norris.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Salami on September 4, 2006, 04:18:24 PM
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure...
 In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
 In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
 In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
 In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
 In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
 In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
 And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Mud Man! on September 27, 2006, 06:20:27 PM
Whats hard and long, and fills girl's mouths with white stuff?

A toothbrush
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Karl Eller on September 28, 2006, 03:59:05 AM
OK, keep this tasteful(ish), guys. Dead baby jokes are deffinatly un-called for, as is rape jokes.

Eller
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Talon Undecided on October 2, 2006, 09:53:37 AM
A man walks into a bar.











OW.

Sorry, couldn't resist  ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Inquisitor Yoda on October 2, 2006, 10:35:30 AM
A baby seal walks into a club.



It's his fault, he reminded me!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Talon Undecided on October 7, 2006, 01:11:36 PM
A set of drums fell off a cliff.




Ba-dum-bum-crish!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Firebread on October 27, 2006, 05:55:44 PM
Two Plague Marines are walking down the street.

PM 1: Hey man you know what I've always wondered?
PM 2: What?
PM 1: They call a squad of Plague Marines a PM Squad why not abrivate it more?
PM 2: We should talk to typhus about this.

Typhus: What is it PM.
PM 1: Our squads are called PM Squads, why not abrviate it more?
Typhus: Your right from now on the PM Squads shall strike fear into the hearts of millions, all shall learn the terror of our new abriviation, they will know the fear of, PMS!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: FarseerJeff on November 4, 2006, 12:58:44 AM
Here is a few quick ones about stupid drummers (no offense intended)

Q.What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend.

A.Homeless

                  ------------------------------

Q. Why do bands hire bass players.

A.To translate for the drummer

                  ------------------------------

Q. How do you know if a drummer is on an even platform.

A.The drool comes out both sides of his mouth.


               
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Emo robots, psycho ninjas, evil princes, and sadistic babies. on November 4, 2006, 01:32:32 PM
Q. Why do bands hire bass players.

A.To translate for the drummer

I RESENT THAT! Bassists are probably dumber than drummers.

Anyway, surprised no one's brought this up, I'll bring up the infamous political analogies:

ANARCHISM:  You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You steal your neighbor's bull and ignore the government.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal another one. You ignore the government.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. Your neighbor hits you over the head with a brick, steals your cows, then shoots them for fun. You later discover that he is a Nazi.

ARISTOCRATISM: You have two cows. You sell both and buy one really big cow - with a pedigree.

ARTIST -- VISUAL: You have two cows. You stuff them and put them in glass display boxes. In London.

BAHRAINISM: You have two cows. Some high government official steals one, milks it, sells the milk and pockets the profit. The government tells you there is just one cow and not enough milk for the people. The people riot and scream death to the government and carry Iranian flags. The Parliament, after thinking for 11 months, decides to employ ten Bahrainis to milk all the cows at the same time to cut back on unemployment.

BRITISH: You have two cows. They are crazy. You try to sell them in Europe.

BRITISH -- MAJOR: You have two cows. One has BSE. You get a vet to give the other one the all clear, and then declare there is no problem from BSE in your country.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. To register them, you fill in 17 forms in triplicate and don't have time to milk them.

BUREAUCRACY -- EUROPEAN UNION: You have two cows. The EU loses one cow, milks the other and then spills the milk.

BUREAUCRACY -- UNITED STATES: You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.

CANADIANISM: You have two cows. The bank takes both of them, shoots one, throws away the milk and you shoot yourself.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CAPITALISM -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. You sell one of them, and buy a bull. The cow and bull have a great love life; you sell the movie rights to Hollywood. Then you go into real estate.

CAPITALISM -- HONG KONG You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

CENTRALISM: You have two cows. And a problem finding them in the middle of the field with 100,000,000 other cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You freeze the milk and embalm the cows.

CONSERVATIVISM: You have two cows. You lock them up, and charge people to look at them.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows. The government sells the milk in government stores. You can't afford the milk. You wither away.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The state takes both, and gives you a little milk ... once.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

COMMUNISM -- CAMBODIAN: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You don't have any cows. The government sets up a joint venture with McDonald's.

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE: You have two cows. You take care of them. The government takes all the milk, but you are encouraged to steal some of it back (before someone else does).

COMMUNISM -- CHINESE - MAO STYLE: You have two pigs. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to provide meat for workers in the city. The government then declares that people don't need pigs to make pork. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create pork from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN - CASTRO STYLE: Fidel Castro has two cows. They are F1's, a cross between the Cebu cow and the Holstein cow. Only one cow, "White Udder," works. When she dies she is stuffed and placed in a museum by Castro, "The Dictator of the Cows," where "future generations could admire her magnificent udders." You have not seen cow milk since 1985.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You have two cows. Fidel tells you some undercover CIA agents have infected all of the cows in your region with a foreign disease that kills the cows. You and your family become malnourished. It begins to occur to you that Fidel doesn't know what he is talking about.

COMMUNISM -- CUBAN: You no longer have any cows. They sailed to Miami. You still have no milk - but you do have Fidel.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

COMMUNISM -- "PURE": You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. Well, maybe the local bully gets more, or a few neighbors band together to kill you so that there is more milk for everyone else.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

COMMUNISM -- SOVIET: You have two cows. You count them and realize you have
four cows. You drink more Vodka. You count the cows again and realize you have eleventy six cows. You drink even more Vodka. After a while, you realize that eleventy isn't a real number. You count the cows again and have two cows. You open another bottle of Vodka and try to drown the loss of eleventy four cows.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. A vote is held, and the cows win.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products. You go bankrupt.

DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk and then blame Japan while border guards beat up Mexicans sneaking into the country. People are outraged for a week or so and then go back to televised sports where there's no violence.

DEMOCRACY -- AMERICAN (a republic): You have two cows. The government exercises those powers delegated to it by the people, who are sovereign. The majority does not rule because the people and their representatives (elected, appointed and employed) are constrained by various checks and balances, including the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the three co-equal branches of government, and the 50 state republics (see, e.g., Article IV, section 4). So what the government does with your cows and with the milk from those cows depends on the interaction between the people and the checks and balances mentioned above.

DEMOCRACY -- BRITISH: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

DEMOCRACY -- REPRESENTATIVE: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and drafts you.

DUBAISM: You have two cows. You create a website for them and advertise them in all magazines. You create a Cow City or Milk Town for them. You sell off their milk before the cows have even been milked to both legitimate and shady investors who hope to resell the non-existent milk for a 100% profit in two years' time. You bring Tiger Woods to milk the cows first to attract attention.

EGYPTIANISM: You have two cows. Both are voting for Moooooobarak!

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two goats. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

EUROPEAN UNIONISM: You have two cows. The EU develops a quota system that "limits the gas emissions from flatulent cows." You sell your carbon allotment, not the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

FASCISM: You have two cows. You give the milk to the government and the government sells it.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FRISBEETARIANISM: You have two cows. One of them flies up on the roof and gets stuck. You hope the government provides cow ladders.

IDEALISM: You have two cows. You get married and your partner milks them.

INDUSTRIALISM: You have two cows. You dissect them both and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.

IRAQISM: The British Government sends in a herd of 20 cows in a trial run to help a village outside Basra. The villagers are extremely grateful for the extra milk and the health of the children improves daily. A terrorist group then kidnaps the cows and accuses them of being traitors to "the cause." The terrorists then produce signed confessions from the cows and systematically assassinates each one in front of Al Jazeera television cameras.

KUWAITISM: Upon hearing how popular cows are in the Gulf region, a group of young male Kuwaitis buy a herd. Unfortunately, they attach so many accessories (ski-racks, 3500 watt sub-woofers, nipple lights, etc.) that the cows almost collapse under the weight and/or embarrassment. The herd are all tragically killed in a massive pile-up while their owners are attempting to perform donuts by the Towers.

LEBANONISM: You have two cows. One is owned by Syria and the other is controlled by the government.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

LIBERALISM: You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

MARXISM/LENINISM: The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cowherds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrate over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and then shoots you.

NEW DEALISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. The government insists there is a giant storage tank where all the milk goes.

OMANISM: You have three cows. They are all healthy and produce good quality milk for sale at the market. Unfortunately, your son discovers that the money he received at the market can be used to buy beer. Your grand expansion plans for a new high-tech farm are put on hold indefinitely.

PACIFISM: You have two cows. They stampede you.

PEROTISM: You have two cows. You aren't allowed to sell the milk to Mexico.

PLATONISM: You have two cows. You look for two other cows to milk.

PLATONISM: You have a reflection of two perfect cows. Their milk tastes like water. You look for two real cows to milk.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESSISM: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

PROTECTIONISM: You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

QATARISM: You have two cows. They've been sitting there for decades and no one realizes that cows can produce milk. You see what Dubai is doing, you go crazy and start milking the heck out of the cows in the shortest time possible. Then you realize no one wanted the milk in the first place.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM: You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

SAUDIISM: You have two cows. Since milking the cow involves nipples, the government decides to ban all cows in public. The only method to milk a cow is to have a cow on one side of a curtain and a guy milking the cow on the other side.

SIMPSONISM: Don't have a cow man!

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and gives it to your neighbor.

SOCIALISM -- BUREAUCRATIC: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you should need.

SOCIALISM -- PURE: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

SOCRATIC METHODISM: How many cows do I have? Why?

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

SURREALISM: You have two aardvarks. The government paints one green and requires you to take harmonica lessons.

TALIBANISM: You have two cows. At first, the government makes them wear burkas, but later shoots them because "they are Hindu religious symbols."

UNITED NATIONISM: You have two cows. France vetoes you from milking them. The United States and Britain veto the cows from milking you. New Zealand abstains.

YEMENISM: You once had a cow. But then it got kidnapped.
                                                                         
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, two giraffes and a duck, a doctor, a lawyer, and an accountant, an Irishman, an Englishman, and a Canadian all walk into a bar.
"Hang on," says the bartender. "What is this, some kind of joke?"
                                                                         
Upset by the lack of competence at his office, the boss decided to motivate the coworkers to think for themselves. He wrote the word "THINK!" on a piece of paper and stuck it above the bathroom sink, hoping people would see it clearer there than the bulletin board.
The next day, the boss noticed no change in workers' attitudes. When he went to the bathroom, he saw his sign was still there, but someone had put up another sign right above the soap dispenser.
It said, "THOAP!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Tyranid_Wannabe on November 8, 2006, 03:43:41 AM
This is a bit of a rude joke me and a mate made up about the races of DoW. Note read in order

Imperial Guard:Pen15
Orks:MyPen15isGreen
Space Marines:DaGreatPen15
Chaos:Ours_isBigger
Necron:WehavenoPen15
Tau:WewantGreaterPen15
Eldar:WewishwehadPen15

No need to make a new thread for one joke - Eller
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Inquisitor Yoda on November 8, 2006, 09:54:29 AM
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Jaguar?

I don't have a Jaguar in my garage.



What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?

Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven.



What's harder than nailing nine babies to a tree?

Nailing a baby to nine trees.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Emo robots, psycho ninjas, evil princes, and sadistic babies. on November 9, 2006, 12:05:07 AM
May as well bring out the Herman-Durman joke...

There was once a farmer who had two workhorses named Herman and Durman.  Life on this farm was about average, he wasn't especially rich and nothing much exciting happened. Then one day, one of his neighbors said, "Ya know, those are mighty good horses. You should enter 'em into a race." The farmer looked at Herman and Durman, and was somewhat doubtful, but he decided to enter them into a small, local race.
When the day of the race came, the workhorses were lead to their stalls. The pistol shot and the gates opened, and out shot Herman and Durman far ahead of the other horses, neck and neck, Herman pulling ahead, Durman pulling ahead, Herman, Durman, Herman, Durman, around the first bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, around the second bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, all the other horses are still nearing the first bend, around the third bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, going down the final stretch, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, and just before the finish line, Herman pulls ahead and wins.
The farmer is certainly impressed, and he thought he could make some money off them, so he entered them into the county race.
This time, there were bigger and faster horses than before. The pistol shot and the gates opened. Again, Herman and Durman shot out far ahead of the other horses, neck and neck, Herman pulling ahead, Durman pulling ahead, Herman, Durman, Herman, Durman, around the first bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, around the second bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, all the other horses are still nearing the first bend, around the third bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, going down the final stretch, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman... Herman pulls ahead and wins.
Now, the farmer was certainly confident in these horses, and he decided to go further and enter them into the all-state race.
Now these were some strong and fast horses, well-known for winning many races, but when the pistol shot and the gates opened, Herman and Durman once again left the horses in their dust. They raced on, neck and neck, Herman pulling ahead, Durman pulling ahead, Herman, Durman, Herman, Durman, around the first bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, around the second bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, all the other horses are still nearing the first bend, around the third bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, going down the final stretch, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman... Again, Herman pulls ahead and wins.
Truly amazed both at the horses and the profit he was making, the farmer decided to go a step further; he would enter Herman and Durman into the Kentucky Derby.
This was certainly ambitious; the Kentucky Derby had the fastest and strongest horses in all the world. Many people thought he was testing his luck and there was no way Herman or Durman could win the Kentucky Derby.
But again, Herman and Durman were far ahead of the other horses from the beginning. Every other horse behind them, they were neck and neck, Herman pulling ahead, Durman pulling ahead, Herman, Durman, Herman, Durman, around the first bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, around the second bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, all the other horses are still nearing the first bend, around the third bend, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman, going down the final stretch, Herman-Durman-Herman-Durman... Not surprisingly, Herman pulls ahead and wins.
The farmer went on to enter Herman and Durman into race after race. Herman and Durman would leave all the horses far behind them, and Herman would always pull ahead and win. The farmer grew rich, and eventually retired them and bought a nice countryside mansion with a large field for Herman and Durman.
One day, as they were grazing in the field, Durman said to Herman, "You know, all these races we've been in, you've always won. I've never had the chance to win a race before, and I want to know what it feels like to win."
"Sure," says Herman. "Let's just have a slow race around this field, and I'll let you win this time."
So they draw a starting line on the side of the field, and they started trotting around the inside of the fence (they were older, so they couldn't race). They went around the first corner... Herman... Durman...Herman... Durman... around the second corner... Herman... Durman... Herman... Durman... around the third corner... Herman... Durman... Herman... Durman... heading back to the starting line... Herman... Durman... Herman... Durman...... Herman pulls ahead and wins.
Now, a sheepdog who watched the whole thing said to Herman, "What's wrong with you? You promised Durman you would let him win! Some friend you are!"
Herman looks and says, "Hey, look! A talking sheepdog!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: FarseerJeff on November 9, 2006, 02:15:13 AM
here is alittle one of a magic the gathering card,


Two muffins are baking in an iven, one mufin says to the other muffin "Wow it's getting kind of hot in here eh." the other emuffin replies "AH a talking muffin.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Harlean on November 9, 2006, 01:44:56 PM
here comes a pretty funny joke

An officer began to speak to an old pirate and noticed that he had a wood leg, a hook hand and only one eye.
"how did you get that wood leg" said the officer
"thats a horrible story" the pirate answered "we were caugth in a Storm in the Caribbean and i were thrown over board and a shark bit my leg off"
"that must have been terrible" the officer said "But how about that hook? how did you get that?"
"that I´ll tell you"the pirate said. "when we boarded a ship my hand got cut off"
"horrible" the officer said. "and how come you only got one eye"
"it was a bird that flew past that pooped in my eye"
"so you mean that some bird poo took your eye way?"
"well, it was the first day that I had the hook"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kitsune Tsuki on November 24, 2006, 11:06:08 PM
A rabbi once asked his old friend, the priest, "Could you ever be promoted?"
The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."
The rabbi persists, "And then?"
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."
"And then?"
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "I may, someday, rise to be the Pope."
But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? Jesus Christ Himself?"
The rabbi said, quietly, "One of our boys made it."

One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome. The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a disputation to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility... until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered.

As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But he wanted a twist: to make it a silent debate. The Pope agreed.

The day of the debate came, and they went to St. Peter's Square to sort out the decision. First the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground.

The Pope, in some surprise, held up three fingers. In response, Moishe gave him the middle finger.

The crowd started to complain, but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, holding them up. Moishe took out an apple, and held it up.
The Pope, to the people’s surprise, said, "I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Pope was asked what the debate had meant. He explained, "First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us. I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions. I showed him wine and a wafer, for God's forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate."

In the Jewish corner, Moishe had the same question put to him, and answered, "It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him, Go to Hell! We’re staying right here! Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal." An older woman asked, "But what about the part at the end?" "That?" said Moishe with a shrug, "Well, I saw him take out his lunch, so I took out mine."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: jebus-san on December 1, 2006, 03:16:01 AM
A man joins a famous pirate by the name of Captian Edwards. One day as they are sailing the man keeping a look out crys out 'Theres a ship off the port side and they are coming right at us.' Captian Edward turns to his first mate and says 'go get me my red shirt.' after putting on the red shirt, they fight their way to glory. This happens 3 or 4 times and the man becomes courious as to why edward always wears a red shirt to battle. so he asks him. 'Well,' Edward starts, 'because if i ever get stabed while fighting, then the men wont see it cause of the red shirt and then they can go and fight for glory know their fearless leader is ok.' 'oh ok, that makes sence' the man replys. Just then the man in look out crys out, 'captian. off the port side, the entire british armada.' Captian looks to his first mate and says, 'bring me my brown pants.'
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: FarseerJeff on December 4, 2006, 05:31:22 AM
I like cats too. Lets share recipes.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Tyranid_Wannabe on December 6, 2006, 06:23:05 PM
One day three explorers are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribesmen want to kill them and eat them but one of the explorer's says "Hang on, we should be able to do some sort of challenge and if we pass you can let us go". The tribesmen agree and say the challenge will consist of 2 parts. They say the 1st part is that they have to collect a species of fruit, then come back for the second challenge. The explorers agree and seperate to search for fruit. The first explorer comes back with apples. "okay" say the tribesmen "now the second part is that you have to shove the fruit up your ass without making a sound, no crying, gasping, no sound". The first explorer tries but starts crying due to the pain and is killed. The second explorer comes back with grapes and the tribesmen tell him the second part of the challenge. He nearly completes the challenge but he suddenly starts to laugh so the tribesmen kill him. On his way to heaven the second explorer meets up with the first explorer. The first explorer asks him " You nearly completed the challenge, but you laughed, why?" The second explorer responds "Oh I saw the third explorer coming back with pineapples".
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: The Reborn on December 8, 2006, 06:55:49 PM
Mickey Mouse goes to see a divorce lawyer.

"Ok, i want a divorce, see to it", he says.

The lawyer is amazed..."But Mickey, you can't do this...er, you'll break all the kids' hearts...why would you do this?" he says.

Mickey reaches over and whispers in his ear.

"well, ok", says the lawyer, "but don't you think it's over-reacting to divorce Minnie just because she has protruding teeth?"

"i didn't say she had protruding teeth", says Mickey, "i said she was f**king Goofy!!!"


-Reborn. :)
Title: Jokes!
Post by: Snike on December 16, 2006, 09:42:22 AM
(The last one is not a joke.)

The Emperor isn't really immobilised, he's just damn lazy.

The Golden Throne is really named Brass Throne, the largest movie theater in the universe. Khorne sits on it.

Slaanesh originally stole his fancy pink and white colors from Eldar armor.

The Sisters of Battle are the cheerleaders of the Emperor. "...and they shall know no bra."

Eldars are undercover Night Elves from Warcraft. They are the number one Warcraft fans. Their giant-planet-looking-space-station-things were originally named as Warcraftworlds.

The Kroots are Chicago Black Hawks-fans.

Imperial Fists were originally Imperial Pacifists.

Bloodletters are pacifists.

Orks are the best cooks in the universe.

The first Sister of Battle was named Britney Spears.

All Chaos dudes listen heavy metal, particularly Iron Warriors.

C'tans are satanists. C'tan = Satan.

Dark Angels listen black metal.

Nurglings are baby Orks that smoke weed.

All creatures that serve Nurgle smoke weed.

Khorne is shy.

All Slaaneshi dudes are DJs. They are all nearly deaf. That's why they are listening music so loud.

There was once a Comissar named Hitler.

All Dreadnought, Crisis Battlesuit, War Walker and Titan pilots watch Transformers.

Imperial Guards' helmets have more firepower than their Lasguns.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: jebus-san on December 17, 2006, 05:03:39 PM
Three men got shipwreaked on an Island. One day while exploring it they came across a tribe of cannibals. they try to run but they have no where to go. the cannibals decide to be nice and so they say to them. 'We want you to chose how you die then kill yourself that way if you want. but just to let you know we will be making a canoe with your skin.' so the first guy says OK i want to be shot in the head like my father. so the cannibals shoot him in the head. the second guy says give me a knife. so they do and he cuts his wrists just like his father. they turn to the last guy and say how would you like to die? he thinks for a moment they replys give me a fork. confused they do. he starts stabbing him self all over. 'so much for your damn canoe!'
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Tyranid_Wannabe on December 18, 2006, 09:33:39 PM
Three explorers are caught by a tribe and tied up to a giant pole in the middle of the village. Then the head tribesman approaches the first explorer and asks him "Death or Booka". The first explorer doesn't want to die so he says "Booka". The tribesmen pulls down his pants and beslubbers him up the arse, then lets him go free. The head tribesmen then approaches the second explorer and asks him "Death or Booka" and the second explorer having seen what happened to the first explorer reluctantly says "Booka". Again the head tribesman pulls down his pants and beslubbers him up the arse and lets him go free. Then the head tribeman approaches the third explorer and says "Death or Booka". The third explorer  has got dignity, he'd rathar die than be humilated so he says "Death". The tribesmen gather around in a huddle to decide how to kill him, then the head tribesman yells out " Death by Booka".
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Dryad on December 18, 2006, 10:06:16 PM
For those who havn't seen this yet... pretty funny:

REDNECK LOGIC

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, deciding that they weren't going anywhere in life, decided to go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asks Bubba.

The professor answers, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answers Bubba.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responds in awe.

The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, Bubba shouts, "Amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin'?" he asks.

"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.

"What the heck's logic?" asks Cooter

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Not The Emperor on December 18, 2006, 10:25:50 PM
A ventriloquist (guy with a doll that he makes speak) is telling blonde jokes.
"Blondes are sooo stupid they put m&ms in alphabetical order!"
Everybody laughs, then a blonde haired lady jumps up.
"Blondes are no dumber than any other hair colour. It is inappropriate and unjust to laugh at us. It is scientifically proven that we are no dumber than brunettes!"
The ventriloquist starts to apologise. "I'm sorry, It was meant to be funny. I didn't mean to offend..."
"Shut-up." The blonde says. "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to the little man on your lap!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Azaruss on December 19, 2006, 04:48:58 AM
*NOTE*  I do NOT claim any credit for this joke. I simply find it too awesome to just not post it.



A Chaos Space Marine’s Diary

The following text is made up of notes from the diary of a Chaos Space Marine in the Black Legion.

Dreaded Diary,

Day 1, week 1
1 Arrived at new camp on planet Ythcolgar.
2 Started to feel pain in left arm. No idea why.
3 Hung piece of paper on brother Ardius’ backpack reading “Purge me!” and had a good (and sinister) laugh with the rest of the lads.
4 Brother Behemon painted the coolest ever winged skull on his shoulderplate today, and was brutally butchered by the guv’ (Estragor, Exalted Champion of Chaos) for being a Night Lords sympathizer.

Day 2, week 1
4 Pain in arm growing. Went to Chaos sorcerer, who told me three words: “Extremis Unconfortablis Mutatis.” I’m visiting brother Arzhar tomorrow, to ask about mutation symptoms. (Arzhar has already got an ostrich-leg and a bat’s nose.)
5 The Guv’ didn’t like the “purge me” joke, and as punishment I spent three hours writing “You’re dead!” back to front on the front of my squad’s Rhino, in preparation for next week’s big cityfight.
6 Attended brother Behemon’s funeral today. The way sergeant Sargoth placed his blooded skull atop that burning mound of bones really stirred some emotions, but we all forgot our sadness and frustration by getting leglessly drunk on boozed-up blood afterwards.

Day 3, week 1
7 Awoke with a terrible hangover from last night, and hung on my bed I found a picture of me making out with a daemonette. This, of course, led to quite a few “HOWs”, “WHYs” and “WHENs”
8 Arzhar (who by the way has been gifted an additional ostrich leg by his patron) told me to expect a hideous mutation of my left arm. Although I have yet to read about the pros and cons of mutation, I’m hoping for either a whip-like tentacle or a massive crab’s claw!
9 Found a scorched skull on the gound and hung it in my belt, but was then given a thorough lesson from sarge about martial honour, and how one shall only display battle-trophies that one-self has won. Frankly I couldn’t care less what he and the Blood God thinks.

Day 4, week 1
10 Today we sacked an undefended city on the planet Urnium. Found a convenience store selling cereal-boxes called “Corn-chaos.” (a fitting name, I might add). The guv, however, took the cereal’s title as an insult mocking his patron, Khorne, and burned the shop personally. Fortunately I managed to grab the latest issue of “Universe at War” before the magasine-rack was consumed by the flames.
11 Got into a fight with brother Octavius over which of the two destroyed legions landed on Istvaan V first. He claimed it was the (fragment missing), but surely it was the colossal landing crafts of the (fragment missing) legion which first touched the ground?
12 Played Death-poker with the lads before going to bed. The only casualty was brother Magnon, who bought it in the fourth round. Won myself a neat little master-crafted beauty of a bolt-pistol, and a bottle of some blue liquid. (Note: The bottle was labeled: “Do not add anything”)

Day 5, week 1
13 Today, the guv beheaded brother Raphaelus for having tattooed a certain rune on his forehead. But Raphaelus died with a smile on the face of his severed head, having had great fun tricking the entire company into believing that he had been given the Mark of Khorne.
14 Pain in arm growing, the sorcerer told me to expect a mutation any day. I still find it hard to believe that I have particularly pleased one of the powers, except for perhaps amusing Slaanny by symbolically eating that Eldar’s waystone in a battle a few weeks ago. (That stone was hard as rock, by the way, and it really messed up my teeth. And I was hoping for fangs and all!
15 Attended “Pint-night” with the rest of the squad. In lack of boozed-up blood, drank the blue liquid I won at the poker-game. The liquid turned out stronger and fiercer than an irritated Bloodthirster, and sent me running to the latrine, screaming like a Horror. Before I reaching it, I had already vomited half my interiours all over the newly-polished Land Raider. (Note: Formed the vomit into looking like an evil face, and the tank commander was impressed when he saw it the next day.)

Day 6, week 1
16 Last night I had a long vision of Tzeentch, telling me how mad he was at me. I spent all night running from his minions in the psychic realm. How I earned the wrath of Tzeentchie-boy (that old trickster is beyond me.
17 Was told at the mess that the blue liquid I had drunk last night was infact an antidote to Nurgle’s Rot, and was lifted up by a group of Plague-marines and carried across the courtyard, being praised and honoured by the foul men. Never before have I drunk and thereby destroyed the nemesis of an entire squad of marines. (Note: My new nikcname is “Doom-drinker,” apparently.)

Day 7, week 1
18 Awoke with left arm fully mutated! A beautiful tentacle-thingy, slimy and gross. Had great fun coiling it around brother Xarnon’s throat and almost strangling him. Went to Arzhar’s tent with a bunch of posessees, and had a “Who’s got the most hideous body-part”-competition. (Brother Igmarius won, sporting a toe with a fly’s head and little legs of it’s own.)
19 Got tickets for tomorrow’s Emperor’s Children gig on the planet Harthras IV. (Note: Bus leaves at 4.00)
20 Went to Chaos sorcerer in hope of finding out which god has gifted me with the tentacle. After two hours of the sorceror looking at the arm and taking down notes, came the following answer: “It is probably either Khorne, Tzeentch, Nurgle or Slaanesh.” (No big suprises there)

Day 1, week 2
21 Went all day fooling around camp. For fun, pretended to be a nutter and was grouped with the posessed squad. Learned all there is to know about being possessed, and wrote down some of their most memorable lines: “The Emperor wins in the end”, “Does my host have bad breath?,” and “Man, the looks of this host are spoiling my chances of getting laid.”
22 In the evening, went to Emperor’s Children concert on Harthras IV. Went backstage and got Eidolon’s autograph, and got my picture taken next to him, holding a blastmaster. After the concert, almost my entire squad talked about joining the Slaaneshi cult. (Note: Group pressure is a bad thing)
23 Looking forward to tomorrow’s cityfight, spent the late hours painting terror-markings and contrasting colours on my armour, along with the lads. Only one of them had actually pledged his soul to Slaanny after the concert, and we helped him paint ridiculous colour-patterns and naughty artwork on his armour.

Day 2, week 2
24 Had a good old cityfight in Yarnus, the capitol of the planet Kravus. Tried out the bolt-pistol I had won at the poker-game, but killed no-one with it (except brother Elmius by accident. He was probably gonna die anyway, right?). Ended with the bolt-pistol blowing up in my hand and rendering me unable to use a weapon. (Ever tried holding a boltgun with a tentacle?) Despite pain and being “physically challenged” I managed to impress sarge by strangling two hapless citizens with my tentacle in less than 10 seconds.
25 On the way back to base, I got friendly with Khorne-berzerker Arturion, and after he initially tried to chop my head off, we had an interesting coversation about social issues and skull-taking.

Day 3, week 2
26 Awoke finding Arturion licking the blood off my wounded hand (which I had forgotten to do something about). Went with Arturion to the tech-marine, who replaced my wounded hand with a robot-one. The sad thing is that if it had been treated right away, I would only have had to replace 96, 7 percent of my hand, and not the whole thing. Arturion put his name up in the list for some more psycho-surgery. I said I like natural rage better, but he wouldn’t listen, and kept claiming it would make give him better self-confidence and make him more attractive.
27 For an evening out, I went to the killing-grounds with the rest of my squad, to fight a pack of brutish beastmen. Did many things that Arturion had learnt me, but discovered that I still have to work on my “Double-Decap.” (Note: Must remember to send “I’m sorry”-letter to brother Lurg.)

Day 4, week 2
28 Was told that brother Lurg from my squad died last night from wounds sustained at the killing-grounds yesterday. Unfortuately no one noticed how he was wounded. Although Lurg probably did, it was hard for him to explain without his jaw. (Note: Must remember to burn the “I’m Sorry!”-letter)
29 Played Death-poker in the evening. Won nothing, and lost half my miniature-collection, including the special character “Rambo.” (We play with the miniatures in a game called “Warhammer 2k”)

30 Day 5, week 2
31 Sarge found the “I’m Sorry”-letter before I had time to burn it. Suprisingly, he didn’t mind the fact that it was I the one who had inflicted the mortal wounds on Lurg (by accident, of course...) Instead, he said that Khorne apparently favours those who kill their friends and allies, and fetched Lurg’s severed jaw for me to wear as a trophy.
32 Was part of a group of marines ordered to test the new Dreadclaws. The pod I was in failed to work, and plumetted to the ground at lightning-speed. The pod crashed in a desert area of the planet, the impact killing everyone in the pod except me. Hours later I was found unconcious by the search-team, with a third-degree burn on my tentacle and without a lower jaw.

Day 6, week 2
1 Left the field-hospital/gene-mixing-lab early in the morning, with a bandaged tentacle and a fully functional jaw. Apparently, they hadn’t found my original one, so they took the one hanging on a chain around my neck and put that one on instead.
2 Went to Arzhar’s tent to ask how to treat injured mutated limbs. Arzhar, the poor *****, has by now been given a turtle’s shell and pig’s head (although he’s still got the bat’s nose), and was not in the mood to talk about mutations. Instead we discussed career-possibilities in the legion, and advaning to higher ranks. I’ve found out that possible career choices are: To join one of the cults, become a biker or havoc specialist, survive long enough to become a veteran, get possessed, almost die and become a Dreadnought, or become a driver. Tough choice, eh?
3 In the evening, I returned to the killing-grounds with my squad, this time pitched against a group of imperial captives. We barely made it out alive, although this time I managed to perfectly execute the Double-Decap.

Day 7, week 2
33 The talk with Arzhar yesterday really got me thinking. Walked around the camp, asking the different marines about what career THEY had chosen. So far, the cults seem unlikely (although the plague-marines will of course welcome “Doom Drinker” into their group anytime), and becoming possessed seems to leave few chances of advancing further in the ranks. Besides, having a face growing out of my chest and babbling philosofical nonsence all day isn’t my biggest ambition in life.
34 Later, the camp was visited today by a small group of Word Bearers lead by a chaplain, coming to tell us all about why we should join their legion instead. Their endless preaching was cut short when the guv’ intervened, butchering them to a man. The survivor was held down and his armour was taken off. Then the guv’ tatooed the eye of Horus on his forehead, and “Black Legion rocks!" all over his chest. He was then carried into a space-ship, and finally jettisoned into space in a sarcophagus marked “To Lorgar!”

Day 1, week 3
35 Had nothing to do half the day, so went with brother Ixius to the paint-shed where we stylised our armour some more. Ixius painted a large I (for Ixius) on his chestplate, although I’m sure I’ve seen that particluar letter dislplayed in similar manners before...
36 Started preparing this week’s lighting-raid on an imperial hive-city called Necromunda. Apparently, the guv and all his officers and allies had been planning this raid for months, and have done all the nescessary calculations. With the forces we’re gonna use, the hive city will be reduced to a scorched wasteland littered with the dead in no time!
37 In the evening, the guv violently slaughtered one of his own marines. The reason was that the marine had been given a mutated head by his god. What had his head mutated into? Two eagle-heads...

Day 2, week 3
38 Got up early to play Blood-hockey with the lads, against a team composed of bloodthirsty beastmen and some imperial prisoners. With the game being my first one for ages, I only managed two kill-goals and one goal-kill. In the end, we won the game 18-3.
39 Later, my squad and I was ordered into the desert-region of the planet to crush a beastman rebellion against us. When arriving, we saw that without any material to build a proper base with, they had constructed a gigantic sandcastle in the middle of the sea of sand-dunes. I was the big hero of the campaign, firing the descisive (and only) shot which took down their stronghold, burying them underneath. Was rewarded a medallion by the guv, which was ripped from my armour again when the lads told him what kind of resistance we had met.

Day 3, week 3
1 Brother Taxius and brother Cormius came up with a great tactical idea today: Havoc bikers. Taxius and Cormius decided on sharing their stroke of strategic genius withe the guv himself, and went at once to his throne-room. Strangely enough, only one of them received a public execution for their stupidity (Cormius). Infact the guv assembled a unit of Havoc bikers, and made Taxius the unit sergeant. Apparently, the guv thought leading such a pointless unit on the battlefield would be prove to be punishment enough.
2 Around noon, brother Praetorax threw a spray of “Mr. Clean” into the plague-marines’ tent as a joke. Punishment was dished out by the guv, who ensured that Praetorax will have his hands busy for quite a while; Praetorax was ordered to polish the armour of all the company’s plague-marines, and only when every single piece of armour has passed the white-glove test, will he be allowed to stop. Not suprisingly, a dozen of our company’s marines joined the Nurgle-cult today, for obvious reasons.
3 Used most of the day packing my bags and preparing for the hive-city assault.

Day 4, week 3

(Nothing was written this day)

Day 5, week 3
3 Mission to destroy hive-city Necromunda yesterday was cancelled, as our base fell under attack by a force of Iron Warriors before sunrise. Me and the rest of my squad were taken as captives by them, and we were taken deep into the warp aboard a small space hulk the Iron Warriors had mobilized. Their commanding warsmith said to us: “Half of your men escaped, half of your men were killed, and the last half were captured.” (So much for the Iron Warriors’ cold and efficient LOGIC) But he also told us how amazed he was by our defence skill, and that he was impressed by our tactical abilities. Apparently, the Havoc bikers had held back the Iron Warriors for several hours, allowing many marines to escape the doomed base.
4 Today, we landed on a desert-planet (Tellarm or Tallern or something) for unknown reasons, and from my iron cage (which I was held in) I overheard two Iron Warriors playing in the sand:

“My sandcastle is bigger than yours!”
“No it isn’t!”
“Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile lauchers!”
“Well mine’s got that aswell, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!”
“Your lascannons aren’t placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You’d have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the dead lizard, while your terminators got into position over by that pile of bones. And barbed wire placed over there isn’t gonna slow the enemy down! You’ve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the cactus, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that scorpion over there assaulted this wall? I’d suggest a squad of...”

No doubt the Iron Warriors are tactical geniuses. I never learned what their business on the desert-planet was, and we left only hours later.

Day 6, week 3
5 Early in the morning, we were brutally dragged from our warm and comfy chains and shackles and pitched against a squad of Obliterators in a game of inter-planetary Blood-hockey. We were solemnly beaten 23-2, with two casualties, one IGB (In-Game-Betrayal), and four of our men are probably still drifting into space.
6 Discovered on my way back to the cell that the guv is also aboard the hulk. Not a big suprise really, as it’s not like him to run away or die in the heat of battle.
7 Played Death-poker with a makeshift deck of cards (don’t ask), and I stole the show, winning three pieces of dry bread and five glasses of stagnant water.

Day 7, week 3
8 Enjoyed a peaceful day in the cell. Nothing much happened, apart from brother Garvius being put in a straightjacket, brother Xathras climbing the walls, and the ever-complaining, ever-wining, ALWAYS annoying brother Urshar being knocked out, permanently. (NOT by me, I swear...)
9 Later, a brilliantly co-operated jailbreak was carried out. Lead by the guv, all the Black Legion captives aboard the space hulk rampaged through the drifting metal-behemoth, killing everything we met, and probably everything we didn’t meet, considering we ended it all by blowing the hulk into at least two pieces. (Doesn’t have the same effect as “a million pieces,” does it?)
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Azaruss on December 19, 2006, 04:49:46 AM
..continued

Day 1, week 4
1 Back on our good old planet! We all celebrated our happy return with a visit to the killing grounds. Even the guv joined in, and we all had a merry time killing each other, since there was no-one else to fight. The guv said afterwards that events like these are nescessary to determine who are worthy of serving him. Those who died were obviously not worthy. Later, we partied in the mess, the sorcerer conjuring drinks from the depths of the warp, and we all got totally hammered. (Note: It’s fun dancing with Horrors when you’re drunk)

Day 2, week 4
1 Received tragic news that brother Praetorax had comitted suicide with a bomb, finally having had enough of polishing plague-infested armour. There was a memorial service at noon, with the (very few) remains of Praetorax being ritually fed to a pack of wild mutant-geese. Everyone attended except the plague-marines, who had lost both their servant and their sergeant when the bomb went off. Ironically, the bomb-explosion had burnt every drop of slime off their armour...
2 Brother Arzhar, the Toy of the Gods (which he has been titled by his superior) has received yet another mutation. His latest hideous feature is a frog’s chin. And while we was captured aboard the space hulk, he had been gifted a fish-tail. Lay awake all night because of the noises coming from his tent. (Note: “Riddip” and “croak” are the two most annoying sounds in the galaxy.)

Day 3, week 4
3 Felt like doing nothing, so rented three videos with some of my squad-mates: “Edward Lightning-claws”, “Children of the Khorne”, and a documentary film starring among others the guv himself: “Pitch Black Crusade.”
4 After having watched films for hours and eventually getting fed up, we went to the mess. On the tent, there hung a large poster with a picture of his majesty Abaddon the Despoiler, pointing at us with his Talon of Horus, and the text read “Abaddon wants you!” Inspired by the movie we had just watched (and just for kicks, of course), my entire squad (including me) put their names up for the next Black Crusade. We decided that burning planets, killing imperials and enslaving billions looks great, and we made the guv really proud of us too.
5 Later, we found this really neat piece of armour in the junkyard, and brother Halus put it on at once. Of course, no-one told him that what he had just put on was a suit of armour from the Thousand Sons legion. And we quickly discovered that it was still occupied by it’s original wearer, when the armour ran off with Halus screaming to get out.

Day 4, week 4
6 Today, sarge told us that there were already thousands of regulars who had signed up for his majesty Abaddon’s next Black Crusade. In order to participate in the crusade, our squad had to choose a more specialized style of warfare, since there was still a shortage of specialist troops in the Black Crusade army. We had a poll, and it was soon decided that our path was to become bikers. Without further ado, we all started practising to become bikers, something that was quite hard considering we had not been issued any bikes yet.
7 Saw the new poster at the mess, telling that there is a contest to see who can recruit the most marines into joining the Black Crusade. (First prize is an antique shoulderplate worn by the great commander Orghoth, that’s for recruiting 20 marines.) Went to Arzhar’s tent and tried persuading him into joining the crusade, and he finally agreed to, after I had outdone myself in making up lame reasons for him to join.

Day 5, week 4
8 Got up before sunrise and ran around camp recruiting marines to join the crusade. I realised that if I wake them from their sleep early in the morning, most of the marines will say (or agree to do) anything as long as you go away and let them sleep.
9 Went to the head-office and handed in the paper with all the signatures. It actually turned out that I didn’t win the recruitment-contest, as the Berzerker champion had walked around the camp last night and forced a heap of marines to join. If the choice is between going on a Black Crusade or getting you head cut off, what would you have chosen? Anyway, I won second prize, a really cool replica of Khârn the Betrayer’s helmet. After scaring a few of my squad-mates out of bed by wearing the helmet and shouting “Blood for the Blood God!”, I painted it black and adorned it with the Eye of Horus, the most infamous of all the Chaos symbols. (Plus it’s my favorite one.)
10 Went to Arzhar’s tent, and helped him paint the Eye on his turtle-shell. Actually, I didn’t, and wrote instead: “One-man zoo!” A mean thing to do? Hardly, since mutants always say they want to be treated like everone else.

Day 6, week 4
11 Today, some crucial messages were given to us by sarge. The Black Crusade is commencing in one week, but we won’t be joining it until the main fleet comes to our system, which should happen a few days later. Also, he told us that our squad had been accepted to become bikers, and that our bikes would be issued to us when we join the fleet. Finally, he told us that the guv has been accepted into Abaddon’s inner circle of lords for the crusade. Apparently, this is to be celebrated next week at the newly built pub/pleasure-house “Sex, drugs and worse!”, erected by the Slaaneshi cult.
12 Went around camp all day trying to get hold of some drinks for next week’s party. I came over several choices: the regular boozed-up blood, a bottle of “Brother Bravius’ Belly-burner,” and some green slime which sticked to the wall when I threw it. In the end, I went with the Belly-burner for variety, since the slime tasted bad, and I’m tired of boozed-up blood. (Besides, the last time I drunk it, I vomited up big lumps of coagulated blood the next day, which pleased only the berzerker who I allowed to have them.)
13 Played Death-poker with the squad, and lost my fake Khorne-necklace (Oh no. I also lost a gold tooth that I never knew I had. Apparently, brother Rhengar, who won it, had been a friend of brother Lurg, the former owner of my jaw.

Day 7, week 4
14 Walked around camp with brother Fermicus and sold off all the gear that we won’t be needing when we become bikers. Traded our beloved Heavy bolter for a skull-shaped helmet, an antique deck of cards and a small Chaos familiar that was found in the mess sink this morning.
15 After a big, bloody fight that probably pleased Khorne, brother Halus got to keep the skull-helmet. Then we played a quick game of Death-poker with the new cards (without the full rules, since we wanted to be at full strength for the crusade), and since no-one wanted the familiar, I guess I’ stuck with it.
16 In the evening, sarge assembled us in the main tent where we were to discuss biker-tactics. After hours of debating, arguing, countless feet being stamped and fists being hammered onto the table in rage, we finally agreed on a strategy: the good old “Charge!!!”

Day 1, week 5
17 Had nothing to do, so I went with brother Furiax to the killing-grounds, to test our mettle against the good old beastman horde. Dispite our fearless fighting, me even managing a Double-Decap without trying to, we were outnumbered and quickly surrounded. But fortunately, some last-minute help in the form of the berzerker-squad arrived, and they quickly turned the place into a fountain of blood.
18 Used the rest of the afternoon trying to get all the beastman-blood off my armour. Later, I went to the mess to try out today’s special, “Rotting corpse.” (Plague marines had mess-duty today) It tasted kinda out of date.

Day 2, week 5
19 Borrowed the latest copy of “Universe at War” from brother Vulkus, and read interesting article on combat-bikes. Got some really cool ideas for my future “metal steed” (that’s what us pros call our bikes), and I’m definately gonna try out the flame-pattern.
20 Later today, the list of Crusade-squads was hung up. It turned out that two thirds of our company, including the guv himself, have enlisted into his majesty Abaddon’s crusade. Noted down names of all the squads joining: Squad Estragor (Raptors, lead by the guv himself), Squad Dharkos (Possessed), Squad Zerus (Havocs), Squad Sargoth (That’s us! Bikers, of course), Squad Traghius (Plague marines) and Squad Mhorkorus (Berzerkers). Also, we’re committing a Rhino APC and the Land Raider “Eternal Hatred” to serve in Abaddon’s forces.
21 Went to Arzhar’s tent in the evening. He’s not been put in any of the squads, it turned out, but is being taken along with some other (weirdo) marines to be used as auxilliaries. Had a long chat with him, mostly about violence and the meaning of death. Noticed before I left that it looks like a pair of rabbit-ears are appearing on his head.

Day 3, week 5
22 The day started with us talking about the World Eaters at the mess. When we came to the fact that they have no recorded home-world, brother Hades found a good reason why: “They ate it.” Stupidity-execution carried out by the guv, who hates stupid people (and doesn’t like bad jokes either.) Only minutes later, brother Unghor foolishly asked out loud: “If Slaanesh is the god of sex, why is it Tzeentch who’s got a thousand sons?” It resulted in the guv having killed two of his own men for being stupid before breakfast was over.
23 Checked the mail, and found a flyer with “Join the Blood-Drinkers Anonymous.” Found out it was some kind of Imperial junk-mail sent to the wrong adress.
24 In the evening, the (slightly delayed) party to celebrate our return was held. (We were captured aboard a space hulk, remember?) We all had a jolly good time, but soon a pack of daemons invited themselves to the party. Before night was over, a drunken Plaguebearer had vomited on Brother Fratius (killing him), a swarm of Nurglings got the Land Raider going and drove away with it, and three of our men were possessed by daemons. It all came to a finale when a enormous Great Unclean One materialized in the pub, squashing several marines and cultists to death upon it’s arrival. (Note: Nurgloid daemons are very annoying. Remeber NOT to get possessed by one!)

Day 4, week 5
25 Awoke face down in a puddle of slime behind the bar. Got up just in time to get out of the pub before it was demolished. Apparently, it was fully trashed inside, and so full of slime from the daemons that dropped in last night, that the guv found no reason to keep it standing. Instead, he is planning to erect a Chaos monolith in it’s place.
26 Our squad was called to search for the Land Raider which was hijacked by the Nurglings last night. We eventually found it half-buried by sand in the desert-region of the planet. It was littered with dead Nurglings, dryed up and shrivelled, who obviously couldn’t cope with the heat. Brother Furiax insisted riding back to base on top of the tank, but it almost cost him his life; When we returned his lungs were half-filled with sand, and he was twice as heavy to carry because of the amount of sand inside his armour.
27 Used the rest of the afternoon sharing thoughts about war with the familiar.

Day 5, week 5

Day 6, week 5
28 Finally found my diary! Who on earth put it under my bed? Thanks to whoever it was, I didn’t get to write anything in it yesterday.
29 Had a talk with Arzhar (who by the way has got a pair of rabbit-ears now, just as I predicted.) He says he’s going to be grouped with the possessed once we join the Black Crusade, even though there isn’t actually a daemon inside him (yet). Had a glass of vintage boozed-up blood (slightly coagulated, but that’s how it’s supposed to be, apparently) and talked about how the Crusade’s gonna be like. Promised we’d meet again before we leave.

Day 7, week 5
30 Spent the day making huge posters and banner reading: “Warmaster, command us!” and “Welcome, Your Highness!” They were all spread out on the camp-grounds facing upwards. Brother Grax dug a deep hole in the ground and covered it with a huge sheet, on which he had written “Land here!” It was just intended as a joke, of course. However, the guv quickly found out (the hard way), and Grax was shackled, gagged and blindfolded and thrown in the pit immeditaly. However, he was not buried alive. Instead, the guv simply covered the pit again with the same sheet. (Talk about digging your own grave...)
31 We all wrote our wills in the mess. Decided that if I die, sarge can keep all my stuff. (Note: Remeber to make sure brother Tryvus doesn’t survive the crusade, since he’s put me up for his antique pre-heresy bolter if he dies.)
32 Couldn’t sleep, lay awake thinking about the crusade.

What will Abaddon be like?
How long before I get my bike?
How many planets will we burn?
Will I be dead before we return?
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Kitsune Tsuki on December 26, 2006, 09:20:49 PM
There were Five country churches in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church
and the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church was
overrun with pesky squirrels .



One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do
about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they
Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..


In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the
baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.


The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the
Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days
later, the squirrels were back.


But --


The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective
solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members
of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter


Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one
squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they
haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: You are all Nerdzzz on January 2, 2007, 07:18:39 AM
1]What do you call a girl between two buildings?
:elaine
2]A sandwich walks into a bar and calls the bar man over
and the bar man says "sorry we only serve drink here"
3]"what do a dog and a phone have in common"
:"collar ID"
4]"Why are pirate movies so scary?"
:"they just AAAAAAARRRRRRRR"
5]"why was the news paper reporter waiting at an ice cream van?"
:He wanted a scoop!!!!!! :D
they arent the best jokes in the world
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Inquisitor Kryptman on January 5, 2007, 09:08:01 AM
I take no credit for this joke as I stole it from a site.

The Three Worst Torture Tests Know To Man.

A young man who had been traveling across his country for many days stopped one night in front of a lonely house on a lonely road and knocked on the door.

An old man opened the door cautiously and asked, "What is it you want?"

"Please, sir, I am very tired, and my feet hurt. May I spend the night at your house?"

"I suppose so. But whatever you do, you must not sleep with my daughter! If you do, you will be subjected to the three worst torture tests known to man!"

The young man gave the older one a rather incredulous look and then agreed to the deal. As the young man entered the house, he smugly thought to himself, this old man's daughter must be at least 50 years old!

The old man showed the younger to his room and told him dinner would be served in half an hour. The young man took a nice long bath, relaxing his aching feet and enjoying his temporary reprieve from his journey.

30 minutes later, the young man stepped out of his room. The smell of an exquisite meal led him straight to the dining room. As he walked in, he turned and his jaw dropped. There sat the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Her smile shined; her hair flowed; she was a modern Helen. The young man was immediately smitten. Suddenly he remembered his promise to the old man. He regained his composure and sat at the table.

Throughout dinner, the young man tried his hardest to avoid eye contact with the luscious lass next to him. He could tell the old man was eyeing him suspiciously, and he certainly did not want to face those tortures. But still ..

That night, as the young man lay in bed, unable to sleep, he heard a soft knocking on his door. He practically leapt to answer it, flinging the door open. There stood the girl, wearing a very revealing negligèe and not much else.

"I've never seen another man besides my father before. You are certainly everything he's warned me about - tall, dark, and handsome - is it true what he says?"

"W-w-what does he say?"

"He says you're only interested in sex."

The young man gulped hard. "No! That's not true at all."

The girl began to pout. "Oh .. then I'm sorry! I thought you would like to .. maybe .. I'm sorry!" And she ran out of the room.

The young man quickly chased after her and grabbed her hand. He led her back to his room, and they began kissing. In the back of his mind, the young man remembered the father's warning, but this girl was insatiable. Besides, he thought, what could that old man do to me?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Several hours later ..

The young man awoke with a smile on his face. The night before had been incredible. All of those positions, all of those kisses ...

Suddenly his smile was replaced by a grimace. The girl was nowhere to be seen. Sitting on his chest was a large rock. On it was a note which read:

FIRST TORTURE TEST: LARGE ROCK ON CHEST
The young man struggled for a moment, then picked up the rock and rolled it off of him. Is that the best the old man could do? He picked up the rock and walked over to the window and threw it outside, back to nature where it belonged. As he let it go, he noticed a note on the underside of the rock. It read:

SECOND TORTURE TEST: RIGHT TESTICLE TIED TO ROCK
Facing imminent castration, he thought quickly. Suddenly, he had an idea. He climbed up on the windowsill and leapt out. Maybe I'll break an ankle, but better that than the alternative! As the young man fell to the ground, he looked up and saw a large banner hanging below his window that read:

THIRD TORTURE TEST: LEFT TESTICLE TIED TO BED
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Emo robots, psycho ninjas, evil princes, and sadistic babies. on January 10, 2007, 11:55:46 PM
here is alittle one of a magic the gathering card,

Two muffins are baking in an iven, one mufin says to the other muffin "Wow it's getting kind of hot in here eh." the other emuffin replies "AH a talking muffin.

You copied me... and its worse...

Anyway, two drunks are staggering home one night and one looks up and asks, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
"I dunno," the other one says, "I dont live around here."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: angry-teletubbie on January 19, 2007, 07:05:32 AM
two vomits were walking down the street when one started to cry,the other vomit turned and aked him what was the matter
and the first one says" see that pub over there ,thatr was where i was brought up!!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Tyranid_Wannabe on January 21, 2007, 05:59:08 AM
I guy is sent to hell after he dies. The devil greets him and as he is the 10000000 person he can choose the three rooms available for those who arrive in hell. The devil takes him to the first room. In that room everything is normal exceept that everyone is walking on their head and the floor is hard solid concrete. The guys says "Oh thats no too bad, but I'd like to see the other rooms. In the second room everyone is walking on their heads like the first except the floor is hard floorboard. "Well this is alright aswell but I'd like to see the last room. In the last room people are eating cake and having cups of tea  and standing up playing video games- everyone looks like their having a great time- however everyone is about knee deep in poo. The guys thinks about "I'll choose this room, sure it smells but you would get used to it after a while and the pros far outweight the benefits. Fine says the devil and leaves. The guys has a chat to people and eats some cake and has a drink of tea when about ten minutes later the devil comes back in and says "Right everyone break time is over, get back on your heads".
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Emo robots, psycho ninjas, evil princes, and sadistic babies. on January 21, 2007, 07:20:52 PM
When starting his sermon, a pastor asked the congregation, "Do any of you have trouble with giving in to temptation?"

"Never!" says a voice from the choir. "I can give in to temptation any time!"
___________________

A blonde goes into a barber shop with headphones on and asks for a haircut. The barber says, "Ok, but you'll have to take your headphones off." "No," says the blonde. "If I take them off, I'll die!"
The barber's pretty sure she's exaggerating, but he doesn't want to make a scene. So he tries his best to cut her hair so her headphones don't get in the way. Eventually, he says, "Look, I can't do any more with those headphone. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to take them off."
The blonde protests, and says, "No, don't! I already told you, if I take them off, I'll die!"
The barber gets annoyed and takes the headphones off, and lo and behold, the blonde dies. Wondering what exactly was on the headphones, he picks them up. To his horror, it was playing:
"Breathe in... breathe out... Breathe in... breathe out..."
___________________

A businessman dies and is met at the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks over the guy's files and admits, "We can't decide whether to put you in heaven or hell, so we're going to let you choose."
"Alright," says the businessman, "but I'd like to see each of them so I can choose better."
Saint Peter agrees and shows him heaven. There are a bunch of people standing around singing hymns in white robes, and the businessman says, "It's alright, but it seems rather boring."
So Saint Peter shows him hell, and everyone there is partying and having a great time. "That seems quite fun! I would've never expected hell to be like this! I think I'll choose hell."
Saint Peter agrees and sends him off to hell. Immediately the businessman is surrounded by a bunch of demons who start jabbing him with flaming pitchforks.
When he sees the devil passing, he says, "Hey, wait a minute! What about the party? Wasn't hell supposed to be a huge party?"
"Party?" asks the devil, then he laughs. "Oh! You must have seen our promotional video!"
___________________ _

A guy dies and is sent to hell. He is sentenced to be tortured for all eternity. As he is being led to the torture chambers, he notices a lawyer snuggling up to a supermodel.
"Hey, that's not fair! I have to suffer for all eternity, and this lawyer gets to have it with her?"
"Silence!" says the devil. "You must pay your penance and the model must pay hers!"
___________________ _

A guy dies and is sent to hell. In hell, he sees two lines; one saying "Capitalist Hell" and the other saying "Socialist Hell." He notices that no one is lining up for Capitalist Hell, but everyone was lining up for Socialist Hell.
So he asks the devil standing nearby, "What do they do in capitalist hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and put you on racks."
"So what about socialist hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and put you on racks."
"So why is everyone lining up for socialist hell?"
"Because in socialist hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Que Dan on February 5, 2007, 02:33:30 AM
What's the difference between Slaanesh and hippies?

Slaanesh makes love and war!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: JamesBot 9000 on March 1, 2007, 11:27:20 PM
Courtesy of Irandura:

The Truth of The Rhana Dandra

KHORNE: Oh, that’s it! You’re going to die, you whining, ambiguously-gendered, pretty boy!

SLAANESH: Ha, do your worst!

KHORNE: *swings axe*

SLAANESH: *dodges* You’ll have to move faster than that!

KHORNE: I don’t need to… *a pack of Flesh Hounds charge at Slaanesh*

SLAANESH: Oh, I’ve always wanted a puppy! *in a puff of scented pink smoke, the Flesh Hounds turn into a batch of fuzzy, big-eyed puppies*

KHORNE: Aha! *while Slaanesh is distracted by the puppies, Khorne’s axe finds Slaanesh’s skull*

SLAANESH: Ooo… painful. I like it! How much do you, I wonder? *Slaanesh pulls out a small needle capped in purplish slime and charges even as his split skull reforms*

KHORNE: Nurgle? Little help?

SLAANESH: Now, taste pain!

NURGLE: *takes the blow* What pain?

KHORNE: *axe crushes Slaanesh’s skull for a second time*

SLAANESH: Ow… a new strategy may be in order. You'll back me up Tzeentch, won't you?

TZEENTCH: I’m afraid you’re on your own this time Slaanesh. So sorry. *charming smile*

SLAANESH: *muttering* let’s work with the embodiment of deception and betrayal, I said… it seemed like a good idea at the time! Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.

KHORNE: *charges at Slaanesh, howling. Slaanesh steps aside at the last moment. Khorne’s charge takes him into the light of the Astronomican.*

EMPEROR: Hey, who is that?

TZEENTCH: There! I saw Khorne and Nurgle try to block the Astronomican!

NURGLE: Huh?

KHORNE: Huh?

*Khorne and Nurgle are obliterated in a flash of bright light as the Emperor vents his wrath*

SLAANESH: Ha, done at last.

EMPEROR: Oh, no. You see, the thing about destroying Chaos is… you can’t just stop at two.

SLAANESH: *clearly sweating* Maybe we can make some sort of deal… I only hate Eldar!

YNNEAD: Is that so? *eviscerates Slaanesh*

EMPEROR: You know, Ynnead, I see a beautiful future ahead of us… *the two wander off*

TZEENTCH: Well, that deals with that.

C’TAN #1: Prepare for combat!

C’TAN #2: In deadly format!

C’TAN #3: To crush the spawn of the Old Ones!

C’TAN #4: To feast on their souls as delicious luncheons!

C’TAN: #1: To rid the galaxy of the plague of life!

C’TAN #2: And plunge it into absolute strife!

C’TAN #3: C’tan!

C’TAN #4: Necrontyr!

C’TAN #1: Team Necron attack with malicious intent!

C’TAN #2: Not to mention new lemon fresh scent!

ALL C’TAN: Surrender or face eternal torment!

TZEENTCH: Now I understand why the Old Ones killed themselves. Ugh…

MACHINE GOD: There he is! The guy who’s been ruining my good name! Get ‘im!

ALL C’TAN: Uh oh. *promptly disappear and go back into stasis*

MACHINE GOD: Excellent. Now none can doubt the true holiness of the blessed machine…

HIVE MIND: *crunch*

EMPEROR: *returns, hand-in-hand with Ynnead* I’d wondered about who that vandal on the Eastern Fringe was. Prepare to be cleansed!

HIVE MIND: *snarls*

EMPEROR: I do not fear you, beast! But be warned – if you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine…

HIVE MIND: *crunch*

EMPEROR: *is reborn as the Star Child* Fool! In death, I only surpass my previous strength!

HIVE MIND: *crunch*

EMPEROR: Oh. *dies*

TZEENTCH: Now that’s an anti-climax if ever I saw one…

YNNEAD: You… you… *sputters in rage*

HIVE MIND: *crunch*

YNNEAD: *is consumed by the Hive Mind. There is a moment’s pause. Suddenly the Hive Mind explodes, Eldar deities emerging from his innards*

ASURYAN: We’re back, baby!

KHAINE: Ah, it’s good to be in one piece again…

TZEENTCH: Not these clowns again… hey, Vaul! Catch! *Tzeentch throws a glittering object through the air. Vaul catches it, discovering that it’s a sword.*

KHAINE: Sword? SWORD!?! *charges at Vaul, screaming*

MORAI-HEG: I see darkness coming… great evil… the end of all things…

ASURYAN: Oh, that’s what you always see. *notices Khaine has knocked Vaul down and is punching him in the face with his bloody hand*

KHAINE: How’d you like that, huh? That’ll teach you to cheat me. *Khaine suddenly collapses, Kurnous’ spear erupting from his back*

ISHA: Noooo! Khaine! *rushes over to Khaine’s corpse, weeping*

KURNOUS: What? I thought you loved me!

ISHA: Er, I mean, of course I do, it’s just that…

ASURYAN: Hang on, what about me? You’re supposed to be my wife, aren’t you?

VAUL: I don’t even try to understand it any more…

KURNOUS: I was pretty sure she was mine…

LILEATH: Okay, we can sort this out. *stabs Isha in the gut* There. Problem solved.

ASURYAN: You killed your mother! How could you?

LILEATH: She’s my mother?

KURNOUS: Of course she is, and I’m your father!

ASURYAN: No, you’re not. I’m her father!

TZEENTCH: Eldar mythology; the dark side of incest.

KURNOUS: We’ll see about that! *takes out his spear*

ASURYAN: *draws sword and charges at Kurnous. Kurnous bats the blade away with his spear*

VAUL: *smashes Kurnous from behind* That’s for the millennia Khaine spent torturing me!

MORAI-HEG: It is beginning… the end times are here…

VAUL: Oh, shut up.

ASURYAN: I concur. *Asuryan and Vaul kill Morai-Heg*

LILEATH: Not to rain on your homicidal massacre, but what do we do now? You’ve killed half the pantheon?

ASURYAN: It’s quite simple. I’m the Phoenix King, so I’ll serve as supreme ruler of the three of us, while Vaul toils away producing fine artifacts and jewellery to exalt my magnificence while Lileath serves the drinks.

VAUL: *glances at Lileath*

LILEATH: *nods back at Vaul*

ASURYAN: I don’t like where this is going…

VAUL: *charges at Asuryan. The two start duelling, their blades flashing.*

ASURYAN: Aha! *jumps around, decapitating Lileath as she sneaks up behind him*

VAUL: *Strikes Asuryan from the front, crushing him* All hail the new Phoenix King!

TZEENTCH: Hail. *disintegrates Vaul in a stream of coloured light* Finally, that annoying pantheon is gone. Slaanesh had the right idea.

GORK: I’z back. Did I miss anyfing impottant?

TZEENTCH: Just the rebirth and self-destruction of the Eldar pantheon… so no, not really.

GORK: Oh, okayz den.

TZEENTCH: And Mork said he bet you couldn’t knock yourself out with a single blow.

GORK: We’ll see abot dat! *lowers his head and charges at a solid wall, knocking himself out*

MORK: Wot waz dat?

TZEENTCH: See Gork there? He reckons you’re not tough enough to knock down that wall with your head.

MORK: Ha! *knocks himself out in the same way as Gork*

TZEENTCH: *slits both their throats* Woo, I win! I’m the last god standing!

MALAL: *leaps from the shadows, hacking down Tzeentch* At long last, my work is finally complete! With all other gods destroyed, no one can possibly stop me!

CEGORACH: *Wordlessly hands Malal a piece of paper*

MALAL: *reading* I… oh, darn. *promptly explodes*
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Eidolon on March 19, 2007, 11:45:51 AM
i didnt read all the jokes on here so forgive me if i reposted 1. [b]most all of these will be offensive. so dont take them personally[/b]

your momma jokes

your mom is so fat she fell in the grand canyon and got stuck
your mom is so fat the death star shot her and only took an arm off
what do they call your mom when she goes swimming? exon valdez
your mom is so nasty she gave nurgle an std.
your mom is so short she got disqualified from a track meet for running under the hurldes
your mom is so fat she had to use 2 buses for roller skates


racist and bigoted jokes

how do you castrate a redneck? kick his sister in the jaw
how do you stop an iraqi tank? shoot the guy pushing it
i have some french rifles for sale, never been fired and only dropped once
i heard america raised the drinking age to 32. they are trying to keep alcohol out of the schools
why does the iraqi navy have glass bottom boats? so they can see their air force
why dont they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east? the camels cant take it
what do you call a hard working black man? nobody has ever seen one
what do you call 500 ship wrecks? english navy. this joke is interchangable with japanese, spanish, french, russian, and just about any other country
why are french soldiers so skinny? they spend all that time running.
how did germany take over poland so quickly? anytime the polish threw a grenade the germans would pull the pin and throw it back.
why are the british so keen on creating coalitions? its the only way the can win a war
What is the difference between a democracy and Soviet democracy? The same as the difference between a chair and an electric chair.
Did you hear about the American junkie? He's emigrating so he can join our national Olympic team. (east german joke)
Is it true that the Czechs called on the Red Army to help them? Yes. But it took the Red Army until 1968 to follow up the Czech request from 1939.
how do you break up the million man march? drop job applications on it from helicopters.

thats about all i got right now without getting incredibly vulgar. i tried keeping them to one liners for easy reading
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Full Metal Geneticist on April 2, 2007, 06:56:09 AM
Bah...

A hindu priest and a catholic bishop were discussing sin. The catholic asks the hindu, so ever been tempted into eating beef? The hindu replies "Yes! When I was a young lad". The bishop responds with "Good is'nt it?" The priest then asks the bishop "So have you ever been tempted by sex? Go on, not even once?"
The bishop admit "Yeah! When I was younger. I had sex with a girl when I was at the monastary..."
The Hindu replies, "Better than beef eh?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Lomendil on April 11, 2007, 11:15:50 PM

God: I feel like a vacation
Angel: Why not Jupiter?
God: Nah, too much gravity, bad for my back you know
Angel: Oh right... how about Mercury then? Rates are cheap
God: Nah, I don't like it being too close to the sun, it'll burn me, and you know how much I hate sunburn
Angel: Oh, ok... well how about Earth then?
God: You kidding!? I had an affair with a Jewish woman there 2000 years ago and they still have'nt shut up about it!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Crazedmongoose2003 on April 12, 2007, 08:11:44 AM
Heisenburg is driving home one day when a cop pull shim over to book him.


"Do you know how fast you were going sir?"

"No...BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I AM!"


I really hope nobody here aside from me got that...
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: SyNide on April 22, 2007, 03:48:19 AM
Another hell joke which a friend told me:

A man goes to hell and is met by the devil. The devil says to the man "I've been very mean lately, so i'm going to be nice and let you choose which punishment you'd like to be submitted to. Behind each of these doors is a punishment. Choose wisely.". The man agrees and he walks over to the first door. When he opens the door he sees demons skinning a man alive. He cringes and closes the door, "no way in hell am i choosing that". He walks to the second door and opens it. In it, he sees a man forced to drink lava, "Uh, no thanks..." and he closes the door. He walks over to the third door and opens it, there naked and strapped to a rack is a man getting himself sucked off by Paris Hilton, "YES! YES! I PICK THIS ROOM!". The devil nods his head and says "Ok Paris, your replacement's here!"

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Adarachir on May 10, 2007, 08:16:37 AM
A pedophile and a 6-year old are walking into a dark forboding forest hand in hand. After a while, the boy looks at the pedophile with large, watery eyes, and whimpers "I'm scared...!" The pedophile stops, looks at him with astonishment in his face and says "You're scared?! What about me? I have to walk out of this forst alone!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: 4084595657 on May 25, 2007, 03:06:52 PM
Ok i dunno if mildly amusing jingles count but hey i'l give it a shot. This was on wow spam forum:

why did the blonde steal a police car?

It had 911 written on the back and she thought it was a porsche
Title: 40K Comedy Commantments of Space Marines
Post by: Major. Witham on June 13, 2007, 05:13:30 PM
Really not sure if this is the right place for this. Found it elsewhere on the net - Its not really fiction or a peice of fluff, and is Marine related in a round about way, so mods feel free to move it elsewhere if needs be.

In any event, enjoy!

1.Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter be-atches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports, as pimp wagons, "nor shalt thou use the phrase," If the Rhino be rockin', don't come a knockin'
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control" nor shalt thou refer to the machine god as General Motors.
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".
23. Virus bombs are not fun in a box
24. Shooting one of your own men who looks at you funny, does not count as an "enemy casualty".
25. Thou shalt not clog the Lasscannon tubes "just to see what happens".
26. Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a dreadnaught.
27. Thou shalt not attempt to shake the chaplain's hand whilst wearing a powerfist.
28. Putting sand inside the terminators' armour is not "funny".
29. Thou shalt not refer to the standard of fortitude as a "walking stick"
30. Thou shalt not refer to the bolt-pistol as a novelty cigarette lighter.
31. The earthshaker cannon is not a "hat stand" nor is the sentinel a "standard lamp".
32. Thou shalt not use Land Raiders to "play chicken" with Imperial Guard Chimeras.
33. Thou shalt not put a "Purge me!" sign on the back of the chaplain's armour.
34. Thou shalt not compliment the dark eldar by calling them "kinky"
35. Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver
36. Thou shalt not replace the holy ungents for the machine spirit with grain alcohol
37. Thou shalt not invite a Banshee to Karaoke
38. Thou shalt not replace the O2 units on the commander's power armour with laughing gas
39. Thou shalt not train a hormogaunt to be a watchdog
40. Thou shalt not take "old one eye" out of context..."He's in my artificer armour he..he..duh!"
41. Thou shalt not call Dark Angels "hippy alter boys"
42. Thou shalt not taunt an eldar "gee didn't these use to shoot further?"
43. Thou shalt not refer to the golden throne as "the nicest commode in the galaxy"
44. Thou shalt not attempt to offer a Carnifex a breath mint.
45. Thou shalt not throw a warp beast a dog biscuit.
46. Thou shalt not hope for mud wrestling during a witch/ sisters battle.
47. Thou shalt not ask a warlock what he wears under his robe.
48. Thou shalt not tease an inquisitor with "look sir-heretics!"
49. Thou shalt not play wack-a-mole with those little jawa-wannabe dark angel thingies (tangent).
50. Thou shalt not wear oven mitts when issued a plasma gun.
51. Thou shalt not take the rhino to procure monkish ale before filling out His Most Holy acquisitions forms.
52. Thou shalt not ask the librarian if he has records concerning Uranus.
53. Thou shalt not refer to the flamer as a "novelty toaster"
54. Thou shalt not ask the apothecary to guess what you have eaten by looking at your tongue.
55. Thou shalt not remove the motors from a terminators' suit during battle.
56. Thou shalt not point and laugh saying 'look somebody missed the toilet when battling snotlings.
57. Thou shalt not break wind in the presence of the emperor (unless properly addressed to do so)
58. Eldar helmets may not be use as hole-punches.
59. Thou shalt not refer to the daily rituals as "psychological warfare" nor shalt thou refer to the index astartes as "the book of grudges"
60. Thou shalt not say, "will someone please tell the emperor to crap or get off the throne"
61. Thou shalt not petition His Most Holy administration to make "Inquisition" an Olympic sport.
62. Thou shalt not instigate a "my Primarch could beat up your primarch" debate.
63. Thou shalt not use heavy breathing and "I am your father" as a battlecry when wielding a powersword and entering an assault
64. Thou shalt not affect a Transylvanian accent around the Blood Angels.
65. No hair pulling when enjoying brotherly contests with the space wolves.
66. Duct-taping a flamer to your boltgun does not count as a combi-weapon, and painting it pretty won't make it "master crafted"
67. Thou shalt not punt grots for pleasure.
68. Thou shalt not shout "thongs for the thong god in front of the Dark Eldar lest thou wishes to learn the true meaning of pain.
69. Thou shalt not debate the protective merits of purple spandex with the Dark Eldar.
70. Thou shalt not write theatre criticism and charge His Most Holy treasury to mail it to the harlequin.
71. Power armour never makes a sister look fat.
72. Thou shalt not laugh manically when flaming the non-believers.
73. Thou shalt not use thunderhammers to play crocket.
74. Thou shalt not start rounds of "you might be a c'tan if" while imbibing strong monkish ale.
75. Though shalt not refer to thine brethern, whom the Emperor has dictated be armed with an incediary weapon, as a "Flamer" constantly. For this has been proven to lower morale and cause strife within his His Most Holy showering facilities.
76. Thou shalt not affect an Austrian accent around the Necrons.
77. Thou shalt not ask roughriders if you can pet their ponies.
78. Thou shalt not stray from the adeptus mechanicus's directive towards ornamentation of rhinos-specifically no aluminium sport rims, neon, extraneous exhaust pipes, or fuzzy dice.
79. Thou shall not attempt to challenge the Eldar to games of 'Counterstrike'.
80. Thou shall not, in any way, shape, or form, take the land speeder joy riding.
81. Remember, shining lasguns in the guards' eyes is WRONG.
82. Thou shall not pretend to have been possessed by a daemon.
83. Thou shall not call the sacred plasma gunners of the imperial guard 'fizzbusters'.
84. Yes, it will be noticed if you 'borrow' the chapter master's equipment.
85. Thou shall not use supported warhounds to 'play ball' with imperial guard sentinels.
86. It is NOT cool to feed snotlings copious amounts of narcotics!
87. It is not "funny" to dress up as a bloodletter and jump out in front of the chapter master.
88. Replacing a brother's ammunition with blanks is not "funny"
89. Wiffle bats are not approved hand weapons.
90. Playing naughty movies in your power armour's autosenses is not sanctioned by the Adeptus Astartes.
91. Thou shalt not teleport into the Sisters showering facilities.
92. Thou shalt not taunt our revered dreadnaught brethren by tapping on their window and saying "anyone in there?"
93. Thou shalt not commandeer droppods to go for pizza.
94. Thou shalt not refer to the emperor's champion as "that brown-noser"
95. Nuking from orbit is not doctrinally feasible for removal of annoying insects-unless they be tyranids.
96. Thou shalt not tickle the fallen to press for confession and redemption.
97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking "Can you hear me now", repetively in an attempt to drive him insane.
98. Thou shalt not refer to the Wulfen as "damn dirty apes".
99. Thou shalt not use Whirlwinds to put on fireworks displays.
100. Thou shalt not ask the Dark Angels if they "can keep a secret"
101. Thou shalt not do Scooby Doo impersonations when speaking to the Space Wolves.
102. Thou shalt not tell the Salamanders "sorry about the multimelta thing"
103. Thou shall not ask directions from the wulfen.
104. Thou shall not ask berserkers for an axe
105. thou shalt not do doughnuts in a rhino, unless thou wishest to clean the passenger's vomit from the floor, as doughnuts make passengers dizzy
106. Thou shalt not fill demolisher shells with lotus flowers.
107. thou shalt not use Scouts as 'target practice'.
108. Thou shalt not replace the Chapter Master's weapon with a plastic sword.
109. It is not funny to put an 'Eat me' sign on the Librarian's back prior to a Tyranid attack.
110. Thou shalt NOT refer to the Dreadnought as 'grandad', nor shalt thou hang an 'i told you i was sick' sign from it.
111. Thou shalt not play 'peek-a-boo' with the machine spirit
112. Thou shalt not trip a dark angel in front of a interrorgator chaplain
113. thou shalt not trip an interrorgator-chaplain
114. thou shalt not throw snowballs at Salamander Space Marines whilst yelling "THINK FAST!"
115. Thou shalt not ask Ork prisoners "why the red ones go faster"
116. thou shalt not attempt to drown out noise marines with ye old rave music
117. thou shalt never ask a dreadnought "how old are you?"
118. thou shalt not use the golden throne as a microwave
119. thou shalt not wear a dress in the presence of the dark angels
120. thou shalt not wear fake fangs in the presence of the wolves
121. thou shalt not ask a space wolf if he wants a biscut
122. thou shalt not eat another marines paste
123. just because your fighting necrons it doesnt mean your standard equipment is a skaven and a tin opener.
124. Though shalt not use lasguns as laser sights for thy bolters
125. Thou shalt not take the Rhino out on Saturdays to 'impress the girls'.
126. Tyranids are not cute.
Title: Re: 40K Comedy Commantments of Space Marines
Post by: Chuckles, The Space Marine Clown on June 13, 2007, 05:23:47 PM
It's on the 40K Humour section. Look on the left under Main Menu,
Title: Re: 40K Comedy Commantments of Space Marines
Post by: Major. Witham on June 13, 2007, 05:32:48 PM
I do apologise, I had no idea such a place existed. I'll know better next time. Thanks.
Title: Re: 40K Comedy Commantments of Space Marines
Post by: qwertypp7 on June 13, 2007, 05:33:20 PM
The first ones are but the majority are the ones that we don't have...

I'm Sigging this one  ;D....
97. Thou shalt not follow a Librarian around thinking "Can you hear me now", repetively in an attempt to drive him insane.
Title: Re: 40K Comedy Commantments of Space Marines
Post by: Perigrine on June 13, 2007, 05:36:26 PM
nice find LT. some of them are pretty funny
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Mr.Peanut (Turtleproof) on June 13, 2007, 06:08:58 PM
Threads merged- let the gaiety continue!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Que Dan on June 14, 2007, 04:55:40 AM
Ah, the good old Space Marine Commandments. I have about 600 of them...

149. Thou shalt NEVER, under any circumstances, interrupt a Navigator's concentration during warp travel to ask him if you "are there yet."
150. Thou shalt not challenge Karandras the Shadow hunter to an arm-wrestling match
151. Thou shalt not refer to Eldar Swooping Hawk grenades as "bird droppings," nor shalt thou taunt them by using a mortar to pet them with birdseed.
152. Thou shalt not use the Emperor's Champion Iron Halo to play horseshoes in thy free time.
153. Thou shalt not use the Chapter Standard to dry thy undergarments upon
154. Thou shalt NEVER take the Steve Irwin approach to Tyranids; if they do not respond to external stimuli, do not attempt to poke it with a stick.
155. Thou shalt not consider it "funny" to replace the smoke canisters in your Chapter's Land Raider's Smoke Launchers with narcotic substances
156. He who takes advantage of the Emperor's paralysis by painting his fingernails will be summarily executed
157. Shoulder Pads are not to be removed for use as ice-cream scoops.
158. Thou shalt not replace our Honored Brother Terminator Captain's Storm Bolter with a Vulcan Mega Bolter, nor shalt thou feign surprise at his inability to lift it.
159. Thou shalt not distract our Librarian whilst he attempts to cast Smite; else thou shalt be forced to clean the inside of his helmet.
160. Thou shalt not replace a Thunderhawk's firebase supplies with bouncy castles.
161. Thou shalt not burn our Captain's robe on a cold night.
162. Thou shalt not replace the Apothecary's Reductor with a syringe.
163. Undoing the straps between a Brother and his jump-pack is not funny.
164. Thou shalt not utilize the Techmarine's Signum for engaging in long and sexy chitchat with Battle Sisters.
165. Thou shalt not replace the Grimoire of True Names with "Daemon Hunting for Dummies"
166. Thou shalt not put thine Emperor gifted gene seed into the beverage of your fellow Battle Brothers.
167. Thou shalt not duct tape over the emergency venting on the most holy Plasma Pistol of the Chapter Master.
168. Thou shalt not make "Your Mum" jokes in the presence of the Adeptus Soritas.
169. Though shalt not unscrew the bolts on thine Brothers' greaves in order to "pants" him.
170. Thou shalt not use thine holy Meltagun as an arc welder.
171. Thou shall not play pin the tail on the Dreadnought.
172. Thou shalt never say, "You can’t handle the Truth!" to a Dark Angel.
173. Thou shall not use bug spray on Tyranids (it won't work only distracts)
174. Thou shall not name a Salamander Dreadnought "the Hulk"
176. Never mix up Khorne marines with Blood Angels.
177. Do not play golf with Mortarion (he uses Nurglings to move the ball)
178. Never play American football with a Bloodthirster.
179. Thou shalt never throw a stick at Space Wolves and command them to fetch.
180. Thou shalt not challenge Guardsmen to arm wrestling whilst thou are wearing a Power Fist
181. Thou shalt not rent advertising space on thin banners.
182. Thou shalt not hurt Cypher.
183. Thou shalt not question Commandment 182.
184. Thou shalt not be turned on by anything related to Slaanesh.
185. Thou shalt not refer to Daemonettes as 'booby daemons'
186. Thou shalt not glue thy Land Raider assault doors shut.
187. Thou shalt not mock exalted members of thy Chapter for 'not having the enemy’s permission to fight'
188. If thou are worth 300 points thou must kill 300 points before being allowed to die.
189. Thou shalt use unleaded gas only for thy Land Raider.
190. Thou shalt not use Servo Skulls as baseballs.
191. Thou shalt not laugh at thy Brethren whom are from 1st or 2nd edition.
192. Thou shalt not compare Commissars to Nazis.
193. By order of the Inquisition: There is no such thing as the Inquisition, questioning this will have thou deemed heretic by the Inquisition.
194. Thou shalt not complain to thy Force Commanders in coming months when thou cannot attack the enemy immediately following exiting Rhinos
195. If thou are members of the Black Templar then thou must not whine that the Emperor's Champion has the your only Iron Halo.
196. Thou shalt not install hydraulics on thy Rhino.
197. Thou shall not question the decoration of the Chapter fortress: if skulls with wings are good enough for Him on Terra they are good enough for you.
198. Thou shall not strap lawn furniture to jump packs in an attempt to recreate first ed. Land Speeders.
199. Thou shall not complain about no longer having Jet Bikes.
200. Thou shall not confuse Guardsmen by shouting "OMG! Zerg Rush!"
201. Thou shall not point out there is no 175 commandment.
202. Thou shall not give members of thy Biker squad Thunder Hammers and Grots so they may play polo.
203. Thou shalt never use Lasguns as flashlights during a night fight.
204. Thou shalt not take the emperor's teeth in vain.
205. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.
206. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
207. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective in the morning.
208. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
209. Thou shalt not check to see if your Bolt Pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
210. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle Monasteries.
211. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
212. Thou shalt not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
213. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
214. Thou shalt not use thine Chainsword as a backscratcher.
215. Thou shalt not use thine Bolt Pistol as a q-tip.
216. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
217. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a “high-five”.
218. Thou shalt not laugh at how small Imperial Guardsmen are.
219. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
220. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters to the Astropaths.
221. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armor.
222. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
223. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
224. Thou shalt guard thy Bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
225. Thou shalt not sniff Warp fumes.
226. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the ‘Nids
227. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
228. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor.
229. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
230. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
231. Terminators and glue do not mix.
232. Thou shalt not spray paint thy armor to make it look cool.
234. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with Lasguns. (The guard needs them)
235. Thou shalt not juggle Power Weapons.
236. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's Monastery.
237. Grenades are not water balloons.
238. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
239. Thou shalt not use water guns against Necron.
240. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
241. Daemons are not your friends.
242. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
243. Barney is a heretic.
244. Barney merchandise is simply prohibited.
245. Barney is not a Tyranid
246. Digimons are not in the 40K universe.
247. Digimons are not affiliated with the Necron.
248. Pokemons are not Digimons!
249. Pokemons are not fun to play with.
250. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies, Orks, Gretchins or Commissars.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: phisicsbof on June 22, 2007, 11:08:40 AM
just one more

251:Thou shalt never happy slap with a power fist.
Title: why the tau never do assault
Post by: franconbean on July 3, 2007, 02:39:00 PM
im new here - i only began posting today! so i thought i would write a bit of humor - my friends think this is funny! but its not too good. please give feedback!

1.
tau leader: the bezerkers are charging! fix bayonets!

tau 1: what now?

tau leader: just hit the with your pulse rifles!

tau 2: what if i break it?... *chainaxe revvs* ... OH MY GOD!!!!! *chainsword rips through tau*

tau 1: any other ideas???

tau 3: this thing's too cumbersome to use as a club!

tau 1: oh really?

tau 3: yes, really!

tau 1: sarcasm, idiot!

tau 3: oh... *skull crushed by aspiring champion*

2.
*frag granade flies through window, lands close to tau*

tau 1: hey guys! look at this!

tau 2: it looks like some kind of fruit from a kroot planet i visited a while ago...

tau 1: did you eat some?

tau 2: yes. it was rather nice. shall we try some?

tau1: ok...

tau 2: i remember what it was called! a pine-ap...  *grenade explodes*

3.
kroot: i'm glad the shapers gave us rifles with blades on the stock as well as the front. *lines up shot at bird*

*kroot fires his rifle, the recoil sends the blade right through his shoulder*

kroot: damn! and that was my good arm! im filing a complaint

4.
tau 1: why dont we have knives in our standard equipment?

tau 2: makes you wonder - is close combat part of the greater good?



Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Flonky on July 31, 2007, 01:58:05 PM
It's the end of the school term and a teacher is getting presents from her (rather young and stupid) pupils...

Flower Shop Boy: "Here you go miss."

Teacher takes present and shakes.

Teacher: "Is it flowers?"

Flower Shop Boy: "How did you guess?"

Teacher: "Lucky I suppose."

Blacksmith Boy: "Here you go miss."

Teacher takes present and shakes.

Teacher: "Is it nails?"

Blacksmith Boy: "How did you know?"

Teacher: "Lucky I suppose."

Liquor Shop Boy: "Here you go miss."

Teacher takes present and shakes.

Present drips dark red liquid.

Teacher tastes the dripping.

Teacher: "Is it liquor?"

Liquor Shop Boy: "No."

Teacher: "Wine?"

Liquor Shop Boy (gleefully): "No!"

Teacher: "What is it then?"

Liquor Shop Boy (even more gleefully): "NO! It's a PUPPY!"

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: ZOSO on July 31, 2007, 11:28:43 PM
Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller) Jokes:

Q: Why couldn't Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller) drive?
A: Cause she was a woman.'

Q: How do you get Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller) to keep a secret?
A: By breaking her fingers.

Q: How do you punish Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller)?
A: 1- Reareange the Furniture 2- Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. 3- tell her to find the corners in a round room

Q: Why doesn't Helen Keller (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helen_Keller) scream when she fell off the cliff?
A: Cause she was wearing mittens.

Wow, I thought I would have more of them when I found this site dedicated to her, but they all just suck!


Q:Why does Hellen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A:One to do it and one to moan.






Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Ravingburger on August 11, 2007, 04:11:57 PM
How did Hellen Keller's parent's punish here?
By re-arranging the furniture

How did they really punish her?
By putting a plunger in the toilet

How did she break her arm while driving?
By trying to read a stop sign.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Sir Sam Vimes on August 16, 2007, 07:31:52 AM
Did you know that the C'tans are g4y?

Yes, because they're called the 'Giver and the Receiver
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Krootdude on August 19, 2007, 07:26:22 PM
some chuck norris facts

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Sir Sam Vimes on August 20, 2007, 05:10:51 AM
Quote
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Hah, that last one is just so hilarious!  :D
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Purgatory on August 22, 2007, 05:45:08 PM
Those Chuck Norris facts are great :)

"I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am..."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Sir Sam Vimes on August 23, 2007, 02:47:27 AM
Q: Favourite Eldar rock band?

A: Arctic Mon-keighs
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Purgatory on August 25, 2007, 05:44:35 PM
Q: Favourite Eldar rock band?

A: Arctic Mon-keighs

So bad I can taste it. Sorry man, but I know you can do better than that :P

And adding to the thread:

One atom to another: "Hey, I think I just lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive..."

That is an awesome joke.

Purg
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Treg_pjwninaro on September 5, 2007, 10:18:55 PM
On that note

If I could be an enzyme, I would be DNA Helicase, so I could unzip your jeans

Or DNA Polymerase II, so I could fill in your gaps

Oh yeah

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Talon Undecided on September 11, 2007, 07:46:40 AM
On that note

If I could be an enzyme, I would be DNA Helicase, so I could unzip your jeans

Or DNA Polymerase II, so I could fill in your gaps

Oh yeah


Geeeks.

 ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Two Blades as One, Samurai Ichirou on September 25, 2007, 05:06:36 PM
what do eldar sing at a birthday?

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
You look like a mon'keigh!
And you act like one too!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Schrodinger on October 6, 2007, 05:06:39 PM
Another geek joke:

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
mosquito * mountain climber * cos(theta)

...

Actually that's wrong,
you can't cross a vector and a scaler.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Interrogator_Chaplain on October 6, 2007, 09:36:06 PM
*edit* Hehe whoops, thought this was the Youtube thread */edit*
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Starrakatt on November 29, 2007, 11:22:31 AM
   Dunno if it's funny but there it is:

   Two Kroot sit by a woodfire, grilling canned meat. The most learned of the too is trying to make out what's written on the lid: "It seems to say 'For the Emperor' me thinks." he finally croaked to the other.

   They both resumed their chewing for a while.

   Crickets could be heard in the dark, dark night.

   "Doesn't taste like royalty's food," the second finally grunted, "Me says it false advertising. Gonna complain."

   The first one nodded thoughtfully, spat a geneseed and added: "Yeah, too stringy."

   Starky
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: The Corporal on January 14, 2008, 07:44:18 PM
Now, this is going to seam terribly offensive, but I've seen just as bad on this thread, so here goes...

This hippy gets on a bus and sits down next to a nun. He decides he's horny so he asks her if to have sex with him. She gives him a disgusted look, slaps him, and gets off at the next stop. The bus continues on its way until it reaches the hippy's bus stop, and as he's getting off the bus driver atracts his attention. He walks over to the man, who says: "Hey, hippy, do you really want to screw that nun?"

The hippy replies "of course I do! Why wouldn't I?"

The bus driver sighs with something bordering on disappointment and says "All right, here's what you should do:

"Every thursday night, she goes to the graveyard to pray for the dead. It's thursday now, so you might just make it if you hurry. Go up there, dress up real weird, then hide behind a toombstone. When she gets there, pop out, claim to be god, and demand that she have sex with you."

It's the smartest idea the hippy has heard in some time, so after he leaves the bus, which quickly heads off for the garage, he immediately grabs one of his old party costumes, rushes up to the cemetary and hides behind a toombstone. Within 10 minutes, the nun shows up and kneels down to pray. Delighted, the hippy leaps out and declares to the startled nun "I am GOD! I demand that you have sex with me!"

The nun meekly agrees, so long as he does it anal so she can 'keep her the virginity.' The hippy hasn't gotten laid since the early seventies, so he doesn't object. He does his buisiness and then throws off his costume and yells "Hah, I'm the hippy!"

The nun looks at him and says "I know. I'm the busdriver."

___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ___

These four guys with strange habits all coincidentially move into the same appartment. The guy on the first floor settles right into his hobby of pointlessly eating pickles. The guy on the second floor buys some paint supplies and starts painting his room green. The man on the third floor, something of a weirdo, simply stands around on the stairs masturbating. The client on the fourth floor finishes sharpening his combat knife and decides to murder his old army buddy on the second floor. He walks out of his room and into the stairwell, where he sees what the man on the third floor is doing. disgusted, he throws his knife, which severs the man's penis, and then retreats back into his room to wash the image out of his eyes with industrial bleach. The severed appendage bounces down the stairs and lands in the second floor man's paint can. The impact tips the can over and catapults the fatal member down onto the first floor, where it lands in a certain pickle jar. The tenant on the first floor reaches into the jar, pulls out a pickle, eats it and remarks "mmm, squishy pickle."

Oh, and on a different note, how can you tell if a cold call is being made by a canadian?

The caller says "I'm sorry if this is a bad time"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Flonky on January 22, 2008, 03:01:43 PM
Due to the crash at Heathrow airport, Chinese aviation authorities have sent their accident investigator: Wat Wen Fu King Wong.

Don't get it? Read it out loud.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Cris767 on January 23, 2008, 11:46:08 AM
Space marine 1: Eeeeww, a tyranid mine!!
Space marine 2: Yeh, let's squish it!
Boom!!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Two Blades as One, Samurai Ichirou on February 25, 2008, 03:04:33 PM
A mix of nerd/gamer. (requires some mis pronunciation of Halogen)

Person 1:Yo, dude. What's your favourite halo-gen? Mine's the Br.
Perons 2: No way man! The Ar is way better.

 ;D ;D ;D

I'm gonna get killed for this!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Pvt. Dancer on February 25, 2008, 06:31:01 PM
A man enters a bakery and yells: "I f*cked your mother last night!"
Baker: Dad, go home i'm working...
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Jehan-Reznor on February 26, 2008, 02:21:46 AM
now in the correct thread i hope
(https://www.40konline.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg245.imageshack.us%2Fimg245%2F6554%2Faeqqp1.jpg&hash=2243770b5984839bf8924155bd28d7ef68edc201)
By dennis0bauer (http://profile.imageshack.us/user/dennis0bauer) at 2008-02-24
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: rightfire on February 26, 2008, 02:55:38 AM
What's got hair on top,
hair on bottom,
and watery like stuff comming out of the middle?







Eye
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Ahhitsbrandon on February 26, 2008, 03:30:44 PM
Heisenburg is driving home one day when a cop pull shim over to book him.


"Do you know how fast you were going sir?"

"No...BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I AM!"


I really hope nobody here aside from me got that...

Hmm... I don't think I've ever heard that before, but it reminds me a great deal of something Mitch Hedburg would say.

Ah, just noticed it's spam if it doesn't have a joke.

"It's not the photographer's fault, Bigfoot is just naturally blurry. And that makes him so much more frightening, there's a big, out of focus monster wandering the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy!"
-Mitch Hedburg
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: lasblaster on February 27, 2008, 03:36:52 AM
Continuing on the geek jokes...

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He reaches for his wallet to settle his tab, but the bartender stops him, saying "for you, no charge..."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Chovok on May 2, 2008, 12:18:23 PM
One day at the beach, Bob noticed that a buch of hot girls were following Steve, so when the girls left for a moment, Bob quickly asked steve how he did it. Steve replyed, "First you wear a speedo, then you put a potato in it when you wearing it." The next day Bob came to the beach and did what steve told him to do. He noticed that all the girls were pointing and laughing at him! So Bob went back to steve and ask what he did wrong? Steve turn to Bob and said, "When you put the potato in your speedo, your suppose to put it in the front, not the back."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on June 16, 2008, 02:24:11 PM
I dug these out of the deep dark pit of dispair that is the internet they are really old.

So, without futher ado, the 300 somthing (and counting) space marine commandments.


1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter be-atches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of their "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.
3. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on you bike.
4. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective on the morn.
5. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."
6. Orks are not "cute!"
7. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
9. The Chapter Master is not a "drag".
10. Thou shalt not check to see if your bolt pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!
11. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister Of Battle monasteries.
12. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.
13. Do not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.
14. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.
15. Thou shalt not use thine chainsword as a backscratcher.
16. Thou shalt not use thine pistol as a q-tip.
17. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thine com-speakers.
18. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five”.
19. Thou shalt not laugh at how small IG men are.
20. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.
21. Thou shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.
22. Thou shalt not feed the Orks.
23. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters through the Astropaths.
24. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.
25. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.
26. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Dreadnought.
27. Thou shalt not tape pictures to your armour.
28. Thou shalt not release spiders inside the dreadnought.
29. Thou shalt not use they bolter to kill bees.
30. Thou shalt not sniff warp fumes.
31. Thou shalt eat thou rations.
32. Thou shalt not steal thy commander’s dinner.
33. Thou shalt not take the Predator for a walk.
34. Thou shalt not use the land raider to pick up chicks.
35. Thou shalt beware of strange noise in back of thy land raider.
36. Thou shalt guard thy bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.
37. Thou shalt not use bug bomb against the nids.
38. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch.
39. Thou shalt not e-mail the emperor.
40. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.
41. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.
42. Terminators and glue do not mix.
43. Thou shalt not spray paint armour to make it look cool.
44. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with lasguns. (the guard needs them)
45. Thou shalt not juggle power weapons.
46. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's monastery.
47. Grenades are not water balloons.
48. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids.
49. Thou shalt not use waterguns against Necron.
50. Thou shalt not piss on the Iron Halo.
51. Daemons are not your friends.
52. Barney the Dinosaur is not your friend.
53. Barney is a heretic.
54. Barney merchandise are simply prohibited.
55. Barney is not a Tyranid
56. Digimon are not in the 40K universe. Really.
57. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necron.
58. Pokemon are not Digimon!
59. Pokemon are not fun to play with.
60. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies/orks/gretchin/Commissars.
61. Don’t play “Truth or Dare” with Sisters.
62. Don’t play “Spin the Bottle” with Sisters.
63. Don’t play “Hangman” with the Inquisitor or Berserker.
64. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head.
65. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitors pistol.
66. Thou shalt not use the Lasgun as a flashlight.
67. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake.
68. The Land Raider is not a hotel room!
69. Spiking the beer is forbidden.
70. Shotguns are not practice guns.
71. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.
72. Pixie wings are not jump packs.
73. Thou shalt no replace the Librarians staff with a "Magician’s Wand”
74. Thy shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
75. Thou shalt not attempt to kill Tyranids with Mortein.
76. Thou shalt not do it to @#%$.
77. Thou shalt not do it to Nurgle (who would?)
78. Thou shalt not refer to Lasguns as torches.
79. Guard will not be referred to as 'spotlighters'
80. ‘Murder in the dark’ is prohibited when Chaos forces are captured.
81. Thou shalt not make fun of Chaos’ rusty Power Armour. (We need someone decent to fight with)
82. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
83. Don’t give ‘Fairy wings to Eldar’
84. Thou shalt not make liposuction jokes around Eldar.
85. Thou shalt not return books late.
86. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.
87. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.
88. Putting corks into the engines of a Landspeeder is not funny.
89. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
90. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.
91. Thou shalt not stay awake after “lights out” unless expressly ordered.
92. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the sisters.
93. If thou lose thine hand you shalt not nab one of the Imperial Guard.
94. Thou shalt not waterfight with civilians.
95. “It makes a funny noise” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
96. “He started it” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.
97. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures.
98. Thou shalt not play monster with Orks.
99. Thou shalt not taunt a Dreadnaught within reach of his foot by calling him "The Tin Man" from “Wizard of Oz”.
100. Thou shalt not sexually harass the servitors even if they won’t notice.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on June 16, 2008, 02:24:54 PM
101. Thou shalt not have an ice cream Superfantasical Day.
102. Thou's name is not GiX.
103. Thou shalt not smoke/inhale/inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.
104. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities.
105. Thou shalt not practise vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so.
106. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. (Full Moon Out Tonight!)
107. You shalt not dare others to eat that squiggly thing.
108. You shalt not comment on being a better shot then the inquisitor.
109. The chaplain is not too preachy.
110. Gambling for grots is not allowed.
111. Your sergeant is not a pugy #######.
112. You shalt not smack the sister’s butt and then wink at her.
113. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.
114. Thou shalt not take the emperor titan for a spin.
115. Thou shalt not use a flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others.
116. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid war zone.
117. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun, when not in battle!
118. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company marine can take (physical and/or psychical)!
119. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds and/or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.
120. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real.
121. Thou shalt not over-charge thou bike!
122. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!
123. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!
124. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston!
125. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak him about Orks).
126. Thou shalt not release Morriar from his restrainment or tap in his vital liquids!
127. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!
128. Thou shalt obey these 10 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)
129. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your diner"!
130. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC” or “Macca’s”.
131. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinous".
132. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thou mighty Primarch...the Chaplain paint these on your armour!
133. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.
134. Thou shalt not indulge in squig eating contests.
135. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.
136. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thou armour!
137. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.
138. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.
139. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!
140. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street.
141. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from battle-brothers....they are allowed some fun too!
142. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
143. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranid's mighty One-Eyed monster (eye, pirate matey... guk!).
144. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank.
145. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.
146. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
147. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.
148. Thou shalt not chase thy Gretchen with a fork.
149. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons”.
150. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs” or “the filth”.
151. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.
152. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no friends”
153. Thou shalt not use thou's laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.
154. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.
155. Thou shalt not play “frisbee” with a Tau Shield Drone.
156. Remember a Primach is for life not for Christmas.
157. Thou shalt not eat toast in your power armour ( I'm not going to hoover the crumbs out of the toes again).
158. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power armour (Even if you have been to Cornwall).
159. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.
160. Thou shalt not put bananas in the commander's rhino's exhaust pipes.
161. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)
162. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.
163. Thou shalt not offer to clean the sister's armour whilst they change.
164. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.
165. Thou shalt remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.
166. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.
167. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!
168. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!
167. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.
168. Thou shalt not swap your battle-brothers gun with a waterpistol.
169. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards.
170. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour isn't too small.
171. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.
172. “No” means “No”.
173. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might donate some of your own Gene-seed.
174. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.
175. Thou shalt refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.
176. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.
177. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.
178. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchen’s.
179. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.
180. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles and/or armour.
181. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.
182. Thou shalt not play "fetch" with Tyranids using grenades.
183. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!” when Sisters argue.
184. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a demolisher tank.
185. Thou shalt not hum cartoon theme songs when around the Tau (like Smurfs)
186. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".
187. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.
188. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.
189. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing necrons.
190. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.
191. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else though will have to join the Sisters.
192. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly coloured Tyranid.
193. Thou shalt leave the plasma gun well and truly alone.
194. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work (or it does too well, actually).
195. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep .
196. Thou shalt not load the dice.
197. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.
198. Thou shalt not fire thy bolter at enemies you can't really see but at a leg sticking out of a building.
199. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.
200. Thou shalt not make up rules.
201. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... ugh anyone got a codex?
202. Thou shalt not laugh at the cultist.
203. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when greater daemon of Tzeentch is around.
204. Thou shalt not throw soap at Nurglings.
205. Thou shalt not use penicilan tipped bolts in your boltgun against Nurglings.
206. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.
207. Thou shalt beware of possesed 2 liter coke bottles.
208. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.
209. Thou shalt not aim at thy commanders back.
210. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.
211. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ.
212. Thou shalt not binge drink with the Imperial Guard.
213. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight.
214. Thou art not unexpendable.
215. Thou shalt look before thou leaps.
216. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.
217. Thou shalt not use they bike as a battering ram.
218. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speedbumps.
219. Lord Login is not "Wolfie".
220. Seraphims do not want to join the "Mile High Club".
221. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.
222. Ultra scout is not "little boy blue".
223. Never refer to the Cannoness as "big momma".
224. Thou shalt not put “kick me” signs on thou brothers backs.
225. Thou shalt not nail nurglings to the back of the rhino as fuzzy decorations.
226. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.
227. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes.
228. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.
229. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a plasma grenade for a laugh.
230. Thou shalt not refer to Armoured companies as agorophobes.
231. Thou shalt not ask techmarines to put mag wheels on your bike.
232. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.
233. Thou shalt not sneak into the rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking angels wear dresses. Er... oops...
234. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the monastery.
235. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.
236. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say that you didn't see them.
237. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".
238. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".
239. Thou shalt not give a Sister of Battle breast implants.
230. Neither shalt thou ask wether those “guns” are real or not.
231. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats.
232. Thou shalt not overheat a plasmagun for a college prank.
233. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffine.
234. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his penis.
235. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.
236. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
237. Thou shalt not poop thy power armor.
238. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.
239. Thou shalt not overclock thine pentium and use it as a plasma weapon.
240. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG. (Hey thanks mate!... What’s that bleeping sound?... SPLAT)
241. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.
242. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".
243. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.
244. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt decend upon the table and inflict his wraith.
245. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau stealth suits so that you might spy on the sisters in their quarters.
246. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.
247. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies. (Haha look at that purple Tau!... Guk!)
248. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.
249. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.
250. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.
251. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.
252. Thou shalt not feed the warp beasts.
253. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot hounds.
254. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.
255. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".
256. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.
257. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.
258. Thou shalt not use thy power armours’ vid-link to prank call the Imperial Guard storm troopers.
259. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy commanding officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.
260. Thy bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.
261. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".
262. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea. Nor coffee.
263. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.
264. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", althought thy might think it is.
265. When throwing they holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one, for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.
266. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
267. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.
268. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.
269. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".
270. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychadelic” nor “groovy”
271. Thou Shalt never show an army of orks more than two Harlequins at once.
272. Thou shalt never laugh at the laughing god.
273. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek” with Librarians or Inquisitors.
274. Thou shalt not play “tag” with Gaunts.
275. Thou shalt never tie power armour laces together.
276. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.
277. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys” in the Adeptus Administratum.
278. Thou shalt not sell chapter property (e.g. battlebarge, fortress monestary) on eBay.
279. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine battle brothers waste disposal outlet tube (WDOT).
280. Thou shoult not "entertain" The Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.
281. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".
282. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop.
283. The lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/ Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating. (It won’t work anyway)
284. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your power armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.
285. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery wearing power armour.
286. Thou shalt not assume that because you can take a bolter hit in the head, the Guardsman over there can too.
287. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.
288. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the battle barge.
289. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts/Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".
290. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.
291. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee. They are the enemy.
292. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych. They are the enemy too.
292. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.
293. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.
294. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.
295. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.
296. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine bretheren are in the back.
297. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle Sisters still on board!
298. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thineself off as a Battle Sister.
299. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Banshee on the field of battle.
300. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.
301. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with the Space Wolf Commanders “pet” Fenrisson Wolves.
302. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.
303. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch”.
304. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together (they don't have any).
305. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe”.
306. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!
307. Thou shalt not steal the Tau pulserifles, even if they are better than bolters.
308. Thou shalt not stick “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on the Sisters Rhino.
309. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on a Sister's Rhino.
310. Thou shalt not ask thy battle sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.
311. The hellhound is not somthing you put on a leash and take for "walkies".
312. Thou shalt not armwrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts.
313. Thou shalt not watch whilst the battle sisters change out of their power armour.
314. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull thier arms off and jump up and down on them.
315. Dont kick Grots.
316. Thou Shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk.
317. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.
318. Thou shalt not go to thy great emporer and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".
319. Thou shalt not wrestle thy battle sisters and try to "pin them down".
320. An Iron Halo is not a toy.
321. A tank is not a toy.
322. A Dreadnought is not a toy.
323. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long you can stay on.
324. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.
325. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler.
326. Spiky bitz are not 'cool'.
327. Khorne is a Chaos God not a food.
328. Thou shalt not use power claws as scissors.
329. Thou shalt not use power armour power points to plug in thy gameboy.
330. Thou shalt not use hellions skyboards to impress the sisters.
331. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.
332. if showing a tau how your boltgun works you will not give it to him the wrong way round.
333. A Necron is not a Mecano kit
334. Nurglings are not over date

That enough? :P
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 10, 2008, 11:18:19 PM
MORE:

Space Marine

Thou shalt not try on the Sister of Battle power armor.
Thou shalt not use skull probes at any point during Sisters of Battle shower time.
Thou shalt not play "toss the guardsman."
Thou shalt not intoxicate Sister's of Battle to "Get to know them."
Thou shalt not exchange power swords for Guardsmen lasguns.
Thou shalt not exchange places with a guardsman for a day or any period of time.
Thou shalt not invite Sisters of Battle to a "wrestling match."
Thou shalt not call prank call other chapters.
Thou shalt not prank call chaos legions.
Thou shalt not make fun of the space wolves for being hairy.
Thou shalt not call the Thousands Sons "Egyptian Posers."


Chaos legions

Thou shalt not make fun of the daemon prince about taking steroids.
Thou shalt not ask the demon of khorne how he got his corn rows.
Thou shalt not prank call Terra.
Thou shalt not ask nurgle to take a shower.
Thou shalt not argue with dark eldar over who inflicts more pain.
Thou shalt not prank call the Eldar.
Thou shalt not call Tau the ones with "better guns."
Thou shalt not call Khorne "The dude with the rows."
Thou shalt not ask the cultists for a "shoe" shine for the powers of chaos.
Thou shalt not play "Frag the cultist", they are more useful alive.
Thou shalt not "arm wrestle" the Possessed marines.
Thou shalt not wonder why thy bolter never needs ammo.

Guardsmen

Thou shalt not exchange weapons with space marines.
Thou shalt not drink with space marines unless you wish to die.
Thou shalt not argue at which tank is better with the space marines.
Thou shalt not call space marines "The ones who stole our kills."
Thou shalt not make fun of the Commissar's hat.
Thou shalt not make fun of the Sisters of battle power armor for being "One Size fits all."
Thou shalt not throw rocks at the necrons, no matter how slow they move.
Thou shalt not ask the Commissar how many friendlies he's killed, for the answers is always the number plus you.
Thou shalt not make fun of the chaos cultist for being cannon fodder, you are too.
Thou shalt not light cigarettes with thy lasgun.
Thou shalt not call the eldar "Cone heads."
Thou shalt not play dodge the "hand grenade."
Thou shalt not ask the Sisters of Battle how much for an "escort."
Thou shalt not "cry wolf" to Space Wolves.
Thou shalt not asks the space marines how many "Sisters they have bagged."


Famous Last Words



As inspired by the 'warning labels' post, here’s a few famous last words:


Stealth suits? What stealth suits?

Don’t fire until you see the whites of their ARGGHHH! ARGGHHH! GETITOFF! GETITOFF!

Hey! How much will you give me if I can make this land speeder do a loop?

Does this plasma gun feel hot to you?



(Guardsman fighting Emperor's Children) Hey look! Naked women!


Nonsense! The Inquisition wouldn't bomb our planet into oblivion just because some fools summoned some daemons would they?


I believe that your 'Blood God' shall have a glorious place within the Tau Empire!

Man it's so boring guarding these stupid Tech Priests. Sure the huge tombs are cool, but I wish something exciting would happen.

(To a Dark Eldar homunculus) Do your worst xenos scum! I have been trained to resist all forms of torture!



(Whilst traveling through the warp) what do you mean you left the hatch open!?

What you mean, you throw the grenade not the pin?

No seriously, space wolves *like* being called fido

(at the Librarian) Hey! My books are overdue!!!

I hear with my little ear something beginning with WAAARRGGGHHH . . ..

(To a battle sister holding a melta) So its that time of the month again, eh?

(Also to a battle sister) ya know I really dig chicks with guns . . .

(when you really haven't learnt what NOT to say to a battle sister) Come to think of it, you do look kind of fat in that armor. . .

(When charging a Land raider) I'm betting that he's gonna swerve first. . .

and of course the classic:

Oooh what does this button do?



"I can make that jump"

(To an Ork with a modified weapon) "That's not gonna do you any good"

(An old favorite) "I am invincible! Nothing can stand against m--- *dies*"

(To Bob the Jungle Fighter) "I am a chaos lord, you pathetic mortal, do not have a chance!"

"I'm gonna make it!!"

Apothecary: "Do you want me to take a look at that
Marine: Bah, it's just a flesh wound.



(To a librarian) "NERD!!!"

Marine 1: "Kill them all!"
(Demon materializes behind them)
Marine 2: "Hey did you hear that?"
Sergeant: "Shut up and keep firing!"
Marine 1: "I'm sure it was nothing."

"I am the arch-demon Dsar'try'hugnar'kyan'porgab'hyush--" *gets stabbed by a passing marine*

Pilot: "That’s not the eject button"
Trainee Pilot: "Are you sure?"
Pilot: "Certain."



"In the name of the God-Emperor you will hold your ground!" - the last order given by Commissar Tachden to the Catachan 43rd 'Solitaires' in the face of an Ork Waagghh on the frozen moon of Iylla IV. Reports indicate that the cruiser 'The Joust', the Catachan 43rd is still missing, but thankfully the body of Commissar Tachden has been recovered.

23rd Penal Legion
- Overheard conversation by Captain Olson -
Sergeant Erass (Convicted of murder of a superior officer): "Hey Chas, got a light?"
Flame-Trooper Chastelle (Convicted of arson): "Sure, buddy!"




"Orks? There's no fething Orks for Twently klicks!"




Wow, daemons look bigger in person.

What do you mean by surrounded?

Bloodthirster? Ha, pushover.

Wait, Khorne isn't the god of pleasure?

I mean, c’mon Inquisitor, everyone knows the Emperor isn't real.



Wait! Exterminatus is being brought down on our planet? Isn't that like.. a food?

He hehe...listen Inquisitor about that 'you suck' comment...I didn't really...*bang*

Horus..Horus...ehh. .. yea I know him! He's the *bang*

*snicker* I replaced the Inquisitor's bolt pistol with a water gun! Isn't that so...O! Inquisitor... nice to uhh... see you? *bang*



(Ork boy)"what are dose big tings droppin' from da sky, and why is tat one shootin' at us, and why are those fat guys comin' out of...."



(Guardsman): look, Khorne berserkers, we can take them, we have bayonets!!
"What’s that glowing thing in the librarians hand?...."
(Guardsman) I bet I could light this cigar while it’s in my mouth, with my las gun, can you....beaky...



Blood Angels huh? Hey, I hear Sanguinus cried like a little girl at the end.



Hey! What kinda treats do ya think Space Wolves like?

Here... you hold this

Umm I think there’s a lot of big guns over there, lets go over here instead

(To a Sister of Battle) So what color are your panties?



The guy in the gaming store...
"Those Deathwing terminators? Man I didn't need them anyway, they were just an F-ing diversion.."



Chaos space marine- sir I think there targeting use, there’s red dots on everyone’s suits.

Chaos lord- no those are just las guns move along


[/lastwords]
and now for somthing compleatly different




Q: how many AM tech magi does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: three, one to hold the ladder, one to change the bulb, and one to swing the incense.



Why are the UM's called Smurfs? Why are Ba called swiss cheese? Why are space wolfs called mad drunken raving mindless... ahem, yes



An inquisitor walks into a bar.

++POST TERMINATED BY AUTHORITY OF THE INQUISITION++



What's the difference between 10 dead guardsmen and a Leman Russ?

I don't have a Leman Russ in my garage...



How do you get mashed guardsman out of a bowl?

With chips...



How many guarsdmen does it take to paint a Leman Russ?

It depends on how hard you throw them...



How do you make a dead guardsman float?

With two scoops of ice cream



How many dead guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on how much metal you stuck through them.



Brother Scout Frederick walks into a bar on Ventarus III, which is mounted at the top of a hive spire. He sees venerable Assault Brother Jentaro sitting at the bar and takes a seat.

"So, what do you carry in that big backpack, Brother Jentaro?"

"Oh, nothing. Know what's really cool about this bar?"

"No..."

"If you jump out that window, you come straight back up."

"Prove it!"

"Fine."

Brother Jentaro jumps out the window, engages his jumppack, and flies in through the window.

"Wow, cool!"

f00lish Brother Scout Frederick jumps out the window and gets splattered all over the ground. The bartender says:

"Wow sir, you're one mean @$$ when you're drunk."

"Yeah well, this is some good fenrisian ale."



Chaplain Dedicus and Captain Insubordin go golfing on Ordus Prime. On the first hole, the chaplain shoots and does pretty well, getting just above par. The captain though, shoots way too hard, and blasts the ball all the way across the course, going right through a guardsman.

"Emperor's damnation, I missed!"

"You musn't say the Emperor's name in vain, for He shall strike you down!"

"Yeah yeah, whatever."

So they go to the next hole, and the chaplain shoots and does great, getting a hole in one. The captain again shoots way too hard and blows a hole through a passing rhino.

"Emperor's damnnation, I missed!"

"I told you, you musn't say the Emperor's name in vain, for He shall strike you down!"

"OK ok!"

This goes on for the entire course until the last hole. The chaplain gets par, and the captain again fails, shooting the ball off three trees and hitting his forehead.

"Emperor's damnation, I missed!"

"You shouldn't have said that! He shall strike you down!"

All of a sudden, a huge white light appears, and the chaplain is obliterated. All over Ordus Prime, every living being hears the same words in their head:

"EMPEROR'S DAMNATION, I MISSED."



What is better than winning the gold medal in the servitor olympics?

Not being a servitor






Do Tau names sound like cereals to anyone else?
Tau'os "They're Heretically good!" that on a box with an inquisitor saying the tagline and shooting a Tau holding a bowl of cereal.

Question: This Farseer can see into the future, but can she see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Farseer: Because they are fated to?

No silly! Because there are cinnamon, sugar swirls in every bite!








From Geoff of Wellington Warlords:

"My Lord, I bring news."

Typhus Marburg paused in his study of the situation map of the dreary little planet his forces were engaged in ravaging.

"Yes?"

"Lord. Starships have appeared in the outer system and are on course for a landing. They have been identified aselements of the Flesh Tearers."

"Yeah? Tell them to sod off and find their own world. Tell 'em we got here first."

"Sire, you misunderstand. They are here to defend this world!"

"What! Why? It's a sorry state of affairs when the followers of Chaos start to defend the weakling Imperium from each other!"

"Um, Lord... the Flesh Tearers are a loyalist chapter."

"They are? With a name like that! Are you sure they're not one of ours?"

"Positive, My Lord."

"Have you been able to call for any assistance?"

"The Astropaths have contacted other forces nearby. Unfortunately this has also alerted other loyalist forces in the sector and they are also headed our way."

"Bugger. So who gets here first then?"

"The Alpha Legion, sire."

"It never rains, it only pours, hey?"

"Umm..."

"What!"

"The Alpha Legion is one of ours."

"It is?!"

"Yes."

"I'm confused. You're telling me that a mob called the 'Flesh Tearers' isn't one of ours but a mob called the - what was it again..."

"The Alpha Legion, sire."

"Right... a mob called the Alpha Legion is one of ours."

"That is correct, sire."

"So who else is showing up to this barney then?"

"The Blood Drinkers."

"One of ours?"

"One of theirs."

"OK."

"The Iron Warriors."

"One of theirs?"

"No. One of ours."

"Go figure."

"The Dark Angels."

"Now I've heard of them. Followers of Slaanesh aren't they?"

"No, I think you're thinking of The Fallen, sire. The Dark Angels are Loyalists too."

"Bugger. So who else then?"

"The Emperor's Children."

"Oh, that one's too easy. They're obviously loyalists with a name like that."

"Um, not exactly my Lord."

"Really?"

"Yes, Lord. They're one of ours too."

"This is silly. All the really evil sounding names are being used by weakling loyalists while it seems as though the forces of chaos have got the naff monikers. Are there any more of these I should know about?"

"A few, Lord."

"OK then, spell it out for me, starting with Loyalists that sound like traitors and then moving onto traitors that sound like Loyalists."

"I will attempt to do so, Lord. OK - the Loyalists that sound like traitors... the Marauders, Rampagers, Destroyers and Storm Lords (all White Scar second foundings in point of fact)."

"I like the sound of the Storm Lords. You sure they aren't one of ours?"

"Quite sure. Then there's the Blood Drinkers and the Flesh Tearers - both of which are Loyalist second founding of the Blood Angels."

"With names like that I'd always assumed they were more bone headed followers of the blood god."

"Not so far, My Lord. Then there's the Red Talons..."

"I thought they were renegade pirates."

"No Lord, that's the Red Corsairs."

"Oh. OK. Continue."

"The Brazen Claws are loyalists too."

"Good name for a Khornate force though isn't it?"

"Yes Lord. Then there's the Black Guard (not to be confused with the Black Legion which IS one of ours), the Revilers, and the Raptors."

"Hold on a minute! The Raptors? They're definitely ours. Hell we've got a small unit of them attached to our forces haven't we?"

"My Lord, those are the troops known as Raptors but there is also a loyalist legion with the same name."

"Must get a bit confusing for the loyalists then?"

"I imagine so, My Lord. There are also the Doom Eagles, the Silver Skulls, and the Iron Hands (not to be mistaken for the Iron Warriors, who are ours)."

"Bloody hell. Is that it?"

"There are also some lesser known chapters that also seem to cause occasional confusion."

"Such as..."

"The Doomfarers are one that our forces have occasionally encountered."

"Oh yeah. Those yoyos. So what about the Chaos forces that sound like loyalists then..."

"Well as mentioned earlier there are The Emperor's Children, The Iron Warriors, the Thousand Sons, the Lunar Wolves (who changed their name to the Sons of Horus and then to the Black Legion)..."

"Well at least they're easily IDed as one of ours now. The Black Legion eh? Now that's a proper name. Just postively oozes evil from every pore."

"Yes, Lord. To continue, there are also the Word Bearers, and the Alpha Legion."

"The Word Bearers? What kind of silly name is that for a Chaos Legion?"

"They used to be missionarys sire"

"We you'd think that once they switched to our side they'd change their name to something a little more in keeping with being evil mad men. I mean come on 'The Word Bearers'? It's a silly name."

"Yes my Lord"

"You know, I think the forces of Chaos should have proper Chaos names. There's no room for mistakes when you're called something like 'The World Eaters' or 'The Death Guard'..."

"Actually Lord, both those chapters had those names when they were loyalists."

"You're kidding."

"No, My Lord."

"Yeesh. I would have thought names like that would be a bit scary for the average imperial citizen. I mean "Yay we're being rescued by the World Eaters" just doesn't sound credible while "Aargh! Flee! It's the World Eaters" seems much more likely."

"Yes, My Lord. I believe the latter is more likely these days anyway."

"Makes no bloody sense at all."

"Yes, My Lord."

"Kill 'em all and let the Chaos Gods sort 'em out I say."

"Sounds like a completely reasonable approach to me, My Lord."

Orks are massively destructive beings that destroy anything they come across, fighting the Imperium of Man across thousands of worlds. Orks are genetically similar to mushrooms and any planet they land on is seeded with spores from them, making new Orks rise up from the ground after a period of growth.

Therefore, when the Imperium fights against them it is not a war, but overly agressive lawn care.

In soviet imperium, grass cuts you!
then shoots you, then cleaves your head in two then yells WAAAAAAGH! over your dead body.

METAL BOXES!!!! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO3MttgvHUY)

(https://www.40konline.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg363.imageshack.us%2Fimg363%2F5976%2F1193881733666pt8.jpg&hash=e29c7ebb5a8b1116794554b7d33d38105b30fad1)
(https://www.40konline.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg521.imageshack.us%2Fimg521%2F5262%2Froflsm8.jpg&hash=b1e5492f5c66a3e55d1a7c43b36a2d6de2840f60)

(https://www.40konline.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg402.imageshack.us%2Fimg402%2F1226%2F1208563128517od4.jpg&hash=85659729d6e3fb697cee195659059d8ae9caf0e1)
(https://www.40konline.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.night-sky.org%2Fwarhammer%2Fhumor%2Ftoon_burges.jpg&hash=32835a399cb6c39328af963122e87be77365ee61)





(https://www.40konline.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lolsauce.com%2FRandomBS%2FDynamic%2520Entry.jpeg&hash=6f73efb269363d3bb9a7f462ba7616c9dfcb4cbe)




only about 5% of these are mine... :P unashamadly ripped from history
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:43:46 PM
Brought to you by The Smoking Bolter (link in my sig)





This was posted by comic genius known as "Tzaphiel the Apostate" on the Bolter and Chainsword:

TRAITORS
We all know that Chaos Marines can conquer planets and bring entire systems under the grip of the Ruinous Powers... but how can they deal with the pressures of modern life? That's what "Traitors", everyone's favourite sit-com is for! Enjoy!

*The Traitor's apartment. Fabius Bile is sprawled on the couch, flesh-crafting with a rat he caught. Ahriman whistles tunelessly and happily as he busies himself around the kitchen. Suddenly Abaddon bursts in from his bedroom. His Terminator armour seems far too small and his hair is not in it's usual topknot, instead being draped messily around his head*
ABADDON- Look at this! What do you call this, Ahriman?
AHRIMAN- Whaddya talkin' about?
ABADDON- You goof, you shrunk my blessed Terminator armour in the wash! It's cutting off the circulation to my limbs! And now I'm gonna be late for work, and I haven't got time to style my hair, and it's all Kharn's fault!
FABIUS- Why, what's he done?
ABADDON- Oh, he's only acting like he OWNS the shower, that's all! Oh, my hair's a mess...
AHRIMAN- Chill Abaddon. You're just having a bad millennia, that's all.
ABADDON- Suppose so... oh, I'm gonna be so late!
*Abaddon dashes over to the door, flustered*
FABIUS- Hey, don't forget Drach N'Yen... AGAIN!
ABADDON- Shut up! We talked, and it forgave me- admittedly in a way that resulted me losing two pints of blood, but that's not the point! Damn, I haven't even had time to wash up yet...
AHRIMAN- Okay, okay, I'll go get Kharn out of the bathroom so you can wash up quickly.
*Ahriman goes over to the bathroom door and taps on it gently*
AHRIMAN- Kharn, can you just come out for a sec so that Abaddon can just wash up?
KHARN- *inside* I CAN'T HEEEEEAR YOU!!!
AHRIMAN- I didn't want to have to do this... *strange, hypnotic voice, his Mark of Tzeentch glows* You will exit the bathroom... I command it... you are my unwilling pawn...
KHARN- *inside* I... am... your... unwilling... pawn...
*The bathroom door opens and Kharn, wearing a towel around his waist, though he still has his helmet on, steps out, dripping water onto the floor*
AHRIMAN- All yours Abaddon.
ABADDON- Thanks Ahriman!
*Abaddon runs into the bathroom, and the sound of taps and splashing can be heard. Abaddon suddenly screams and runs out, his face plastered with blood*
FABIUS- So, Kharn... looks like you replaced the water pipe with a supply of fresh human blood that runs all the way from the donor ward... again.
*Canned laughter, Kharn turns to the camera and offers an open-handed shrug. Cut to theme song*

So no-one told you the Black Crusade was gonna be this way,
Your Raptors are jokes, Pred's broke, your Possessed are DOA,
It's like you're always stuck in second gear,
And when you haven't been able to kill, or maim, or burn
For millennia, doesn't really matter, 'cos...

I'll be there for you, killing the Emperor's minions,
I'll be there for you, worshipping the Dark Gods,
I'll be there for you, 'cos you haven't managed to kill me yet...
(repeat)

*Back in the apartment. Kharn is building a house of cards, whilst Ahriman and Fabius are playing table football*
KHARN- You think Abaddon was peeved with me?
FABIUS- You mean apart from when he tried to remove both your hearts with the Talon of Horus?
KHARN- Yeah.
FABIUS- Nah. He was just screwed 'cos he was late for work.
KHARN- Good thing he actually missed with the Talon of Horus...
FABIUS- Yeah, you would've expected something like that to be master-crafted...
AHRIMAN- Shall we go down and see him later?
FABIUS- Yeah, maybe. *He scores a goal and gloats at Ahriman's expense* In your face, Thousand Chump! Manflayer; ten! The guy who practically destroyed his entire Legion; a big, fat nothing!
AHRIMAN- *hypnotic voice, Mark of Tzeentch and eyes glowing* But Fabius, I am winning.
FABIUS- *mesmerised* Yes, my master... you are winning... and I shall also give you... all my money...
AHRIMAN- Gooood boy...

*Meanwhile, across the hall in the second apartment...*
TZAPHIEL- Argrath, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you!
ARGRATH- *downcast* M'sorry sir...
TZAPHIEL- If you're gonna go down to the Chaos Arms and come back with your blood being 50 per cent alcohol, do your Stream of Corruption in the toilet, not all over the floor... and me... and all my stuff.
ARGRATH- I can promise nothing! Muahahahaahaha...
TZAPHIEL- Watch it.
ARGRATH- Sorry.
*Gabriel and Dasleah enter*
GABRIEL- Yo, Tzaph man.
DASLEAH- What's shakin' Argy?
ARGRATH- My titanic bloated gut of course!
*Canned laughter*
TZAPHIEL- Hey, let's head down to Central Eye and get some strong Chaotic ale.
DASLEAH- Yeah, perhaps that loser Abaddon is there today.
GABRIEL- I hope so. I can't wait to openly mock him and invite his wrath upon me.
*Awkward silence. To break the silence, Argrath farts and sniggers. Everyone else collapses, unconscious. Argrath then pokes their prone bodies with his plague scythe*

*Later, at Central Eye, the local coffee shop. Kharn, Fabius and Ahriman are all splashed out on a couch made out of flayed skin with screaming faces. Abaddon walks up, his hair still messy and not in its usual topknot*
ABADDON- Hey guys. Whaddya want?
AHRIMAN- Ah, the usual, y'know.
ABADDON- *scribbling on notepad* Okay, so that's a mug of raw bubbling warp essence and a cranberry muffin for you... Fabius?
*Fabius is busily liquidising an armchair into stimulants*
ABADDON- Fabius!
FABIUS- What?
AHRIMAN- And a cranberry muffin.
ABADDON- What?
AHRIMAN- Raw bubbling warp essence... and a cranberry muffin. The usual.
ABADDON- I wrote down your usual... raw bubbling warp essence... and a cranberry muffin.
AHRIMAN- Did you?
ABADDON- Yep.
AHRIMAN- Honestly?
ABADDON- Yes!
AHRIMAN- I didn't see you...
FABIUS- Dude, you're second only to Tzeentch in terms of psychic might. You can alter time, twist fate, shake the ley-lines of the Universe and clean us out every time we play Tzany Tzeentch. Why DIDN'T you see him?
AHRIMAN- Geez, I know I can do all that stuff, but it's not like I do it twenty-four-seven, only when it's useful. Anyway, I don't need to use psychic powers when we play Tzany Tzeentch. You guys suck Nurgle's pustules at that game.
ABADDON- Truth be told Ahriman...
*canned laughter at the very idea of Ahriman actually telling the truth*
ABADDON- Truth be told Ahriman, you DID make up that game. And you seem to change the rules every time.
AHRIMAN- For the last time, Kings are worth three, Jacks are worth eight, apart from red Jacks which are worth their base value... the six of clubs is a wild card, but I'll get to that in a moment. You play in concentric order, and the winner is the man with twenty tricks out of eight rounds-
KHARN- Excuse me... BUT SOME PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO ORDER TODAY!!!
ABADDON- Sorry Kharn. Whaddya want? Blood for the Blood God?
KHARN- I'm fed up with you guys making assumptions about me all the time! You all look at me and think "Oh look, it's Kharn the Predictable, probably wanting Blood for the Blood God." Have you never stopped to consider that I, as a follower of the fickle force that governs us all, might possibly make changes in my life, changes that you have never dreamed of before!? Bah, chaos... order... these are names we give to things we cannot truly understand but take comfort in believing that we do. No one can truly understand such complicated forces that are part of and indeed beyond this corporeal expanse of space and time, which we foolishly dub the Universe, thinking it to be everything when truly it is nothing!
ABADDON- Kharn... what do you want?
KHARN- *long silence, then in a quiet mumble* Blood for the Blood God.
ABADDON- Right, that's raw bubbling warp essence, a cranberry muffin, Blood for the Blood God and... Fabius?
FABIUS- Oh, I'm okay with this armchair which I'm dissolving into stimulants. I think I might have stored some herbal tea in my Xyclos Needler as well...
ABADDON- *scribbling the order down* Right, I'll be back in a sec'...
*A chair is suddenly thrown across the room and hits Abaddon square in the back of the head*
ABADDON- *collapsing in immense pain* AAAAARGH!!!
*Raucous laughter from a table the other side of the room, where Tzaphiel, Argrath, Gabriel and Dasleah all sit*
GABRIEL- Hey, Abaddon, get a hair-cut!
DASLEAH- You suck!
TZAPHIEL- You couldn't break wind, let alone people's bones!
ARGRATH- Warmaster of Chaos my filth-encrusted ass!
*Abaddon gets up shakily*
AHRIMAN- Just ignore them Abaddon. They're only trying to provoke you.
FABIUS- You think!?
ABADDON- Yeah, they're below my notice. I'll just ignore them.
AHRIMAN- Oh, no-one cares. Hurry up with my muffin, coffee-monkey!
*Another thrown chair knocks Abaddon senseless*
AHRIMAN- How am I going to get my muffin at this rate? Kharn, sort 'em out.
KHARN- *gets up and unlimbers Gorechild* Just keep about two inches away from me. I don't want to have one of my attacks allocated against you.
AHRIMAN- Kharn, that's so friendly and thoughtful!
KHARN- You must be joking! You owe me money and I want the pleasure of taking it from you when you're still alive and able to scream and bleed.
*Kharn charges towards the four various Chaos lords; two Word Bearers and two Death Guard*
KHARN- Who wants some of me, eh?
*Argrath changes from the Corruptor to the Baneful, pestilent robes blowing around his colossal skeletal body, plague scythe in one hand, flail in the other. Tzaphiel becomes the Angel of Chaos, sprouting massive black angel wings and hefting the Daemon Falchion Zeal. Gabriel brings out a Brazier of Sinful Flame and chants the Hymns of Pandemonium. Dasleah Calin Desai metamorposises into his monstrous skeletal form (remember 41st Millennium RPG, Das'? Caleb vs. Dasleah!- ed). They all glower at Kharn*
ARGRATH- Bring on the noise.
TZAPHIEL- Some serious thwack is gonna get thrown down...
GABRIEL- And Kharn's gonna go home in a bodybag, says Gabriel 3.16
DASLEAH- Can the speeches, it's ass-whoopin' time!
KHARN- Ah monkey-trumpets...
*cue very messy, very prolonged beating of Kharn. Fabius and Ahriman watch*
FABIUS- Wow, Kharn has a lot of blood...
AHRIMAN- Yeah, except it was circulating through his body a couple of minutes ago... and now it most decidedly is not...
*more beating, screams of help from Kharn*
FABIUS- Yep, it's almost as if they're going out of their way to beat the sweet bajeezus out of him in the most time-consuming and agonising method possible...
AHRIMAN- If the worst comes to the worst, I get his windchime!
FABIUS- Damn, guess I'll have to make do with his lava-lamp...

Don't miss the next exciting episode of "Traitors", including the following outrageous scenes!

ABADDON- Kharn, sometimes I think you have more respect for your Blood God than me...
KHARN- 'Baddy, that's not true!
ABADDON- It seems like it... sometimes, I don't who you love more...

And...

FABIUS- *in true South Park style* Oh my god, Ahriman manipulated the time-stream!
ALL- You #######!

And...

AHRIMAN- Guys, I got tickets to the Noise Marine dedication concert!
FABIUS- Wow, which band are they dedicating the concert to?
AHRIMAN- Korn.
KHARN- Noise of Marines of Slaanesh... in league with Khorne!? Mama mia!

Stay tuned!





Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:45:36 PM
Welcome back to part two! When we last left the gang...

ARGRATH- *beating the snot out of Kharn* Come on guys, only a coupla more pints of blood left in him!
*Mass kicking and punching. Argrath elbow-drops Kharn, Dasleah bends his leg the wrong way, Tzaphiel kicks him in the ribs and Gabe gives him the noogie*
KHARN- P-please... s-stop... the... ugh... paaaain...
TZAPHIEL- WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD YET!!?
KHARN- Well technically, I DID die at the Siege of the Emperor's Palace, and Khorne breathed life back into me.
GABRIEL- OH MY GOD!!! HE'S A ZOOOOOOOMBIE!!!
*Argrath, Dasleah, Tzaphiel and Gabriel recoil in sudden fear*
DASLEAH- Don't hurt us Mr. Zombie!
ARGRATH- You leave our brains alone, you brain eating... *thinks* brain eater!
TZAPHIEL- Don't annoy him! He'll stumble towards us slowly and groan! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT!? DO YOU WANT TO KILL US ALL!!?
ARGRATH- Gotcha *to Kharn* I'm very sorry, Mr. Zombie. In fact, I respect your kind. Hell, some of my followers ARE zombies. And that scent of rotting flesh just can't be beaten!
GABRIEL- *murmurs to Argrath* Good going Argrath. Any more lies to keep him happy?
ARGRATH- I wasn't lying.
GABRIEL- .....oh.
KHARN- Let me get this straight. You guys think I'm scarier when I'm a brain-dead zombie instead of a blood-soaked, nigh-invulnerable Arch-Berserker of the Chaos God of blood and war?
DASLEAH- *sarcastically* Well, yeah!
KHARN- Hmm... not sure whether to take that as an insult or a compliment...
TZAPHIEL- Don't hurt us! Please! We love zombies!
ARGRATH- Yeah, we're all anti-Resident Evil! Honestly!
GABRIEL- Hell with that! I LOVE Resident Evil! Shooting zombies with an enhanced shotgun... golly, that's fun. And Nemesis? What a pushover! Yep, it just doesn't get better than blowing apart zombies in a variety of brutal ways, yessirree...
*Long silence*
TZAPHIEL- *slapping forehead, murmuring* Gabriel, you dumbass...
GABRIEL- What? What did I say?
DASLEAH- Now he's mad! Mad I say! Mad as chestnuts soaked in vinegar!
KHARN- You want zombie, eh? I'll give you zombie... ahem... *groans* braaaaains...
TZAPH, DAS, GABE, ARGY- AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
*They run off with screams of "mad zombie"*
KHARN- Hmm. That was easy. Guess I've been doing it wrong all these years after all... *light bulb appears over his head* Hey! I got a great idea!

*Meanwhile, outside Central Eye, Fabius and Ahriman are talking to Doomrider*
AHRIMAN- Look, Doomy, you're not really that great...
DOOMRIDER- B-but... wheels of fire! *he points pathetically at his bike* A-and... throbbing Daemon sword... *gestures weakly*
FABIUS- Oh lordy... look, Doomy. Your bike is basically a jump pack. That throbbing Daemon sword is a bog-standard power weapon. And don't get me started on the pulsating gun of gushing plasma...
DOOMRIDER- Wh-what about it?
FABIUS- It's a plasma gun. Plain and simple. And what's all this "He Comes He Goes" poo, eh? Care to offer some sort of explanation for this!?
DOOMRIDER- Shut up! It's not my fault I don't have any damn fluff!
AHRIMAN- That's right, it's Jervis' fault.
*Fabius, Ahriman and Doomrider all turn to face the camera, absolutely serious and deadpan*
AHRIMAN- Damn you.
FABIUS- Damn you Jervis.
DOOMRIDER- Damn you.
*They all stare at the camera for a while, before turning back to the script and conversation*
FABIUS- Okay Doomy, prove you aren't a waste of... *flips through Pamphlet: Chaos Space Marines*... half a page. Woo.
AHRIMAN- Hey, I'm the top half of that page! Let me think, how many pages were dedicated to me in the 2nd ed Codex? Hmm... oh, wait, let me think... hmmm... oh yeah... FOUR!!! Four pages of me! Two and a half for background, the other one and a half for my grossly overpowerful rules.
DOOMRIDER- *Ignoring the rambling Thousand Son Chief Librarian* You want proof? Fine, name anything, and I'll do it! ANYTHING. I am a follower of Slaanesh you know... *he puts a hand on Fabius's knee*
FABIUS- Don't touch me, biker-boy.
DOOMRIDER- *removing his hand* M'sorry.
AHRIMAN- How about a game of chicken?
DOOMRIDER- Sure! What against? A kiddy's tricycle? A Skoda? Some sort of wheelbarrow?
AHRIMAN- I was thinking something a little more challenging... Abaddon!
*There is a sudden hoot and the ground shakes. Around the corner comes an 18-wheeler truck, driven by Abaddon, who is smiling and waving cheerfully*
DOOMRIDER- Hmmm... I see... er... right...
FABIUS- Okay you guys- opposite ends of the street and start revving.
DOOMRIDER- I... er... can't... do this...
AHRIMAN- Why's that?
*long pause*
DOOMRIDER- I COME, I GO! *he rolls a D6. It lands on a 4. He turns it to a 1 and starts to vanish* See ya suckers!
AHRIMAN- Damn it.
ABADDON- No, damn Jervis.
FABIUS- Yes. Yes we should.
*They all turn to face the camera, again absolutely serious and deadpan*
AHRIMAN, ABADDON, FABIUS- Damn you Jervis. Damn you.

*Back at the Traitor's apartment. Ahriman, Fabius and Abaddon are all sitting on the couch*
ABADDON- I wonder where Kharn is.
FABIUS- He said he'd be back in a little while.
AHRIMAN- So, where is he?
FABIUS- What do I look like, his keeper?
ABADDON- He has got that Collar of Khorne for a reason, y'know.
FABIUS- Look, for the last time, I didn't lose the leash!
AHRIMAN- Well, someone did!
*Kharn enters. Instead of his normal power armour, he is wearing filthy rags, though he still has his helmet on*
KHARN- Yo, jizz-monkeys.
ABADDON- Don't call me a jizz-monkey Kharn, or I WILL actually be forced to take some sort of long iron pole and insert it into you. Nothing personal you understand, but... y'know.
KHARN- Gotcha.
*Kharn flops down on the sofa*
AHRIMAN- Kharn... where's your power armour? And Gorechild? And all your other wargear?
KHARN- I pawned it all and got these blood and filth-encrusted rags! Whaddya think?
FABIUS- Riiiiight... *deep breath* Okay, I think I'm braced enough for the momentous and outright stupidity that's going to precede my question. Oh... wait... *deep breath* Okay, definitely braced enough. Now... why, pray tell, did you pawn all your wargear and buy some blood and filth-encrusted rags?
KHARN- Duh, to fit in with my new scary zombie image!
FABIUS- Hmmm... yeah, I didn't think I was braced anough... *Fabius blacks out and collapses, banging his head on the coffee table as he falls to the floor*
ABADDON- Your WHAT image?
KHARN- My scary zombie image! Our arch rivals who live across the hall said I was scarier as a filthy brain-eating zombie than a mighty, raging Chosen One Of The Great Hound Of War, so I sold all my Chaos stuff and got some really groovy zombie threads? Whaddya think? *He does a little twirl*
AHRIMAN- No offence, but it looks like you've just robbed a corpse.
KHARN- Funny you should mention that... you wouldn't believe how easy it is to break into a morgue nowadays...
ABADDON- So, you actually believed our arch rivals and sold all your wargear, then you robbed a corpse of it's clothing... where's the money though?
KHARN- Oh, I gave that to our arch rivals.
AHRIMAN- Why?
*Kharn shrugs*
ABADDON- *muttering* I am going to stab you in the face SO much...
AHRIMAN- Kharn, you're such a fool! You've sold all your cool Khorne *spit* stuff, and then you go and give the money to our arch rivals! WHY!?
KHARN- They said they'd pay me back! Why would they lie to me?
AHRIMAN- *to Abaddon* Shall we just not bother stating the blatantly obvious?
ABADDON- Good idea.
KHARN- I trusted our arch rivals 'cos they told me to.
AHRIMAN- Kharn!
KHARN- What?
AHRIMAN- *hands him a fistful of cash* Here's some cash, go and buy your stuff back. And hurry!
KHARN- Well, here's the thing...
ABADDON- *groans* Sweet Phraz-Etar on a pogo-stick, there's more...
KHARN- I kinda sold all my stuff to our arch rivals... and then they persuaded me to give them back the money they'd used to buy my stuff... and then they sold my stuff to someone else for double the price they'd paid me for...
AHRIMAN- So, you basically GAVE AWAY your stuff and our rivals made a massive profit in the process.
KHARN- Well, in a purely philosophical sense, no.
AHRIMAN- You failed Philosophy, didn't you?
ABADDON- *to Kharn* God, I hate you.

*Back in the arch-rivals' apartment*
ARGRATH- Well, we made a nice profit out of Kharn's power armour and Gorechild.
TZAPHIEL- Yep, now we just gotta decide what we're gonna do with the money...
DASLEAH- Hmmm... maybe we should invest it and spend it wisely, so that in the future we're financially secure and there's no risk of us getting into problems with debt or mortages.
*Long silence. They all suddenly burst into fits of laughter*
GABRIEL- *between spasms of mirth* Good one Das'!
TZAPHIEL- *nearly sick from laughing* Invest it! Good lord, someone shoot me before my blood vessels burst!
ARGRATH- *rolling on the floor* It's like my own personal Fate of Bjuna!
*They all eventually calm down*
DASLEAH- Thank you, thank you... I'm here 'til Thursday.
GABRIEL- *wiping away a tear, sniggering* Ahhh... what do you think we should do with the cash, Tzaph?
TZAPHIEL- I've got three ideas I'd like to run past you. Firstly, we use the cash to build a colossal basalt cathedral, dedicated to the eternal glory of Chaos Undivided and the undeniable holiness of mighty Lorgar, where thousands will flock and embrace the freedom of Chaos!
ARGRATH- Sorry Mr. Word "Beardy", but no dice.
GABRIEL- *producing a sack of D6s* Several, actually.
*Cheesy canned laughter*
TZAPHIEL- Okay, so that's a no-no. Secondly, we use the cash to bribe the GW staff into accepting my Codex. We use the remainder of the cash to hire some sort of Vindicare Assassin to pop off Chambers, Johnso, Haines, Thorpe and Sawyer and replace them with ourselves.
DASLEAH- Like we need cash to do that. That's what bolters are there for!
TZAPHIEL- Well, that just leaves the third option.
ARGRATH- Which is?
TZAPHIEL- We blow it all on an elaborate two-month long holiday, somewhere nice, hot and sunny.
GABRIEL- Yay! The Bolter and Chainsword boys are going to Paraguay!
*Long silence*
DASLEAH- Maybe not. How about New Zealand? New Zealand is awesome. It's probably the best place in the world. Actually, I'd have to say New Zealand is the best place in the Universe. Yep, I'm pretty sure New Zealand is actually God's finest work on this world, if not in the entire Universe. Ever.
TZAPHIEL- *arms folded across chest* A little biased, aren't we Dasleah?
DASLEAH- *mumbles* Yes.
ARGRATH- Maybe we shouldn't go somewhere hot and sunny. I'll fester and attract flies, and that's just plain inconvenient.
GABRIEL- Coughcough PARAGUAY coughcough...
TZAPHIEL, DASLEAH, ARGRATH- WE'RE NOT GOING TO PARAGUAY!!!
GABRIEL- *muttering* Hate you all so much... spoiling my life-long dream...
DASLEAH- Hmmm... where could we go which isn't too hot and sunny, but is generally nice and has a lot to offer young, handsome and extremely gullible tourists who also happen to be dark, psychopathic followers of the Ruinous Powers?
GABRIEL- *shrugs* London?
ARGRATH- What sort of show would this be if we had a special episode set in London?
TZAPHIEL- Yeah, and we all know that if we went to London for a special episode that is set in London, two of us would only end up sleeping with each other and eventually end up sharing an apartment and sparking off an on-screen love that would create obsession in thousands of gormless viewers.
DASLEAH- Coughcough RIPOFF coughcough OF FRIENDS coughcough...
ARGRATH- Did you say something Das'?
DASLEAH- Yes. Yes I did.
ARGRATH- Care to tell me?
DASLEAH- Not particulary.
TZAPHIEL- Okay, it's settled! The Bolter and Chainsword boys are going to-
GABRIEL- *interrupting* JERUSALEM!
*Tzaphiel screams with frustration and chases Gabriel around the apartment, trying to beat him to death with a courgette*
DASLEAH- So, Argy... you're a Brit... what's London like?
ARGRATH- Don't ask. Just... DON'T.

Will the Rivals enjoy London? Will the Traitors follow them? Will Kharn ever get his stuff back? Will Fabius ever regain consciousness? Will Tzaphiel kill something? Find out in the next episode of "Traitors"!


Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:47:51 PM
Part three's FINALLY here, with mayhem galore!
When we last left our anti-heroes, the Rivals were planning to spend the vast amount of money that they had gained (thanks to Kharn's utterly grotesque stupidity) on a two-week holiday in Merrye Olde Londone! But they are not alone...

*Gatwick airport. The plane has just landed, and, bleary-eyed, the Rivals stumble through Arrivals*
ARGRATH- Urgh, that flight was terrible.
GABRIEL- Indeed it was. Especially since that airline food mutated into Chaos Spawn.
TZAPHIEL- No. It didn't. It just looks that way all the time.
GABRIEL- That would explain a great deal.
ARGRATH- *looking around* Hey, where's Dasleah?
TZAPHIEL- *shrugs* I dunno. I think he just... faded away...
GABRIEL- You kicked him out of the plane!
TZAPHIEL- Now is not the time for accusations Gabe. Now is the time for bloody mayhem as we try and retrieve our luggage. Besides, Dasleah left on his own accord.
ARGRATH- At least, that's what we have to assume, as someone had mysteriously drugged him...
TZAPHIEL- Yessirree, a really dilly of a pickle of a mystery that. What dastardly cad could have drugged Dasleah and then kicked him out a plane?
*Long pause*
GABRIEL- No idea.
ARGRATH- Nope.
TZAPHIEL- Heh heh... suckers...
GABRIEL- Did you say something?
TZAPHIEL- I don't know, did you?
GABRIEL- What!?
TZAPHIEL- Ah-hah, denying it now, are we?
GABRIEL- What are you talking about!?
TZAPHIEL- You tell me!
ARGRATH- Oh for Mortarion's sake... *he vomits over the two Word Bearers and a dozen travellers. Ignoring the agonised screams of dying Japanese businessmen, Argrath wheels the trolley off, muttering about how soon the whole world shall burn in his evil*

*Meanwhile, following the Rivals, the Traitors appear, wearing dark glasses and fake moustaches.*
ABADDON- Ah-hah! These disguises are so cunning, our rivals have not spotted us!
AHRIMAN- One of my better cunning plans, I believe.
KHARN- I think there's a scorpion in this fake 'tache...
ABADDON- Silence Kharn! And don't mess up my spare armour!
*Kharn, after selling his Chaos armour to the Rivals, is now wearing Abaddon's spare suit of Terminator armour; it is matt-black and peeling in areas*
KHARN- How can I mess it up? This thing's got a black basecoat! That's it!
ABADDON- It's my spare. That's why I don't need to have it painted, shaded, highlighted and drybrushed, you silly goose.
*Long pause*
FABIUS- Did you just say "silly goose"?
ABADDON- O-of course not! Wh-what makes you say that? Only "those types" say silly goose...
AHRIMAN- We believe you, fruity.
ABADDON- Hey, take that back!
FABIUS- Oh, now you're just being catty.
ABADDON- Shut up and hurry up. I don't want to lose sight of our rivals.
FABIUS- Rooow, hiss, hiss!
*They run off in pursuit of the Rivals*

*Customs*
CUSTOMS OFFICER- Anything to declare, sirs?
TZAPHIEL- Only my utter devotion to Chaos Undivided and the exalted glory of Lorgar.
GABRIEL- Ditto.
ARGRATH- Honestly, would you want to search me even I declared I was carrying some sort of illegal substances?
*The customs officer pales and fails*
TZAPHIEL- Let's mosey, homies.
GABRIEL- Don't speak like that. It sickens me.
ARGRATH- That's what you said when I decided to make a name for myself in the fragrance industry.
GABRIEL- Precisely my point.
TZAPHIEL- Besides, you couldn't make a profit with a perfume that's also a potential bio-hazard.
ARGRATH- There's nothing "potential" about it!
GABRIEL- That's what all those buyers would say... if their vocal cords hadn't bubbled away upon inhaling the stuff.
ARGRATH- And don't forget about the jaundice!
TZAPHIEL- *walking off* Oh, Eye forbid if we forget about your precious jaundice...
ARGRATH- Are you being sarcastic?
TZAPHIEL- *heavily sarcastic and elongated* Noooo!
*Rivals leave, Traitors sneak in. Customs officer has recovered*
CUSTOMS OFFICER- Anything to declare, sirs?
AHRIMAN- Nope.
FABIUS- Nothing.
ABADDON- Nadda.
KHARN- We're all psychopathic followers of the Ruinous Powers, cunningly disguised so that we may slip past your feeble defences and be destruction and the apocalypse incarnate upon thy land.
*Long pause, Ahriman, Abaddon and Fabius all stare at Kharn*
AHRIMAN- What part of "don't speak and only breath enough to maintain consciousness" didn't you understand?
FABIUS- Knowing Kharn, I'd say all of it.
ABADDON- I'll have to go with Mr. Gene-Splice McSplicely on this one.
KHARN- Silly! Everyone knows that all true followers of honourable Khorne ALWAYS tell the truth!
AHRIMAN- Kharn, are you familiar with the term "justifiable homicide"?
KHARN- Refresh my memory.
ABADDON- We'd be happy to.
*Ahriman, Kharn and Abaddon all produce weapons and surround Kharn*
KHARN- I'm sensing some negativity here...
*Back to the Rivals, walking to collect luggage*
TZAPHIEL- It's down here to collect the luggage, right?
ARGRATH- Yep.
GABRIEL- Cool.
KHARN- *off-scene* OH SWEET KHORNE!!! AAARGH!!! I COULDN'T BE IN MORE PAIN!!!
ARGRATH- Did you guys hear something?
KHARN- *off-scene* NO!!! NO!!! NOT DRACH N'YEN!!! NOT THERE!!! AAAAAAARGH!!!
TZAPHIEL- Not really.
KHARN- *off-scene* AAAARGH!!! WHY ISN'T ANYONE HELPING ME!!? I'M IN SO MUCH UNBELIEVABLE AGONY!!!
GABRIEL- *unlimbering accursed crozius* Right, who's ready for the luggage press?
ARGRATH- *readying plague scythe* Count me in!
TZAPHIEL- *unsheathing power sword* I wish it didn't always have to end in slaughtering civilians just to retrieve our suitcases... but, meh, whaddya gonna do?
*They walk off*
KHARN- *off-scene, quiet* Ribs... crushed... lungs... squashed... spleen... burst... self-narration... becoming annoying...
*The Rivals emerge from airport exit, drenched in blood*
ARGRATH- That was a rather successful luggage press, I feel.
GABRIEL- Do you think that, one of these days, slaughtering innocent civilians is gonna get boring?
*Long silence*
ALL- Nah!
TZAPHIEL- Well, our taxi should be here soon...
*There is a toot to their left. They all turn to see a customised drag-Rhino, painted in Word Bearer crimson*
TZAPHIEL- Ah, here we are...
GABRIEL- The Eulogy is our taxi? Who's driving?
*Berial leans out of the window*
BERIAL- Where to, guv'?
*Tzaphiel and Gabriel load their luggage and get in. Argrath follows slowly, muttering*
ARGRATH- Great, ANOTHER Word Bearer for me to attempt to kill... wherefore art thou, Dasleah and Kenshin?
TZAPHIEL- Argy, quit your belly-aching and get in!
ARGRATH- Are there any air-fresheners in there?
GABRIEL- Nope. Just good ol' fashioned Chaos incense burners.
ARGRATH- ... Very well then.
*He climbs in and the Eulogy pulls out. The Traitors emerge, dragging Kharn behind them*
FABIUS- They're getting away!
AHRIMAN- Curses!
ABADDON- Looks like we're well and truly nutmegged.
*Fabius and Ahriman turn to look at Abaddon. Long silence.*
ABADDON- What? Is there something on my face...?
FABIUS- "Nutmegged"?
AHRIMAN- Forget it you two. We have to catch up with them!
ABADDON- Why?
FABIUS- How else are we gonna keep this story going otherwise?
ABADDON- Point. But how are we gonna catch up? We haven't got a car!
FABIUS- Wait, lemme try... *he sticks a big foam thumb-up hand on the end of the Chirurgeon's arms and attempts to hitch-hike* Taxi!
ABADDON- It's not working.
AHRIMAN- Don't worry lads. I got an idea...
*The Italian Job's soundtrack spontaneously starts and then stops*
FABIUS- And what pray tell, would that be?
AHRIMAN- Just a little something I like to call... *he grabs Kharn and throws him into the road* A SPEED BUMP!
KHARN- Aw hell...
*Kharn lands in the middle of the road and lies there groaning. A taxi stops just before hitting him.*
ABADDON- *charging forward* Follow that drag-Rhino!
TAXI DRIVER- Righto guv'.
*Before getting into the taxi, Fabius turns to Ahriman*
FABIUS- That was a great plan Ahriman, using Kharn to stop this taxi!
AHRIMAN- Thanks... though it's better when it works, aka, when he becomes road-kill.
KHARN- *staggering to his feet, bleeding profusely from several locations* Excuse me, but I'm in desperate need of medical attention here...
AHRIMAN- Oh be-atch, be-atch, be-atch. Get in, moany.
*Ahriman bundles Kharn into the boot before the taxi drives off in pursuit of the Eulogy.*

*The Eulogy tears down the road, the taxi in close pursuit*
BERIAL- *checking wing-mirror* We got company, lads.
ARGRATH- It undoubtedly our rivals!
GABRIEL- Don't you mean Traitors? Cos... y'know... WE'RE the Rivals...
ARGRATH- Must you contradict everything I say?
GABRIEL- I don't contradict everything you say!
ARGRATH- You just did it again!
GABRIEL- No I didn't!
BERIAL- Can I just say that having a blazing row isn't gonna help us get our pursuers off our asses?
GABRIEL- *Cunning* Or will it?
*Long pause*
ARGRATH- No. What do we do, Tzaphiel?
*He looks over to Tzaphiel, who is sitting listening to music with earphones in*
ARGRATH- Tzaph?
TZAPHIEL- *Singing* Show me how you want it to be, tell me baby, 'cos I need to know now, because...
ARGRATH- Tzaph...
TZAPHIEL- *Still singing* My loneliness, is killin' me... and I... I must confess, I still believe, when I'm not with you, I lose my mind... give me a sign...
ARGRATH- Tzaph!
TZAPHIEL- HIT ME BABY, ONE MORE TIME!
ARGRATH- As you ask... *smacks Tzaph in the face*
TZAPHIEL- *staggering* Ah dammit!
ARGRATH- It was for your own good. Obviously, some sort of malign warp entity had possessed you.
TZAPHIEL- *sideways glance* Errr... yeah... obviously... a, er... warp, er, thingy. Of course... ha-ha... not Britney Spears... sweet Lorgar, of course not...
GABRIEL- *sitting back, utterly deadpan* Every time we think he's hit rock bottom, someone's always thrown him a shovel.
BERIAL- Tzaph, the Traitors are chasing us.
TZAPHIEL- Oh, they are now, are they? *Withdraws plasma pistol* I'll teach them a lesson!
*Tzaphiel leans out of the window*
TZAPHIEL- EAT PLASMA, YOU CADS!!!
*He throws the plasma pistol at the taxi*
BERIAL- You THREW your plasma pistol?
GABRIEL- That was our only gun!
TZAPHIEL- Well then, what's this then, eh? *producing something from his holster*
ARGRATH- That's a box of aspirin.
TZAPHIEL- ..... Well, drat.

*Meanwhile, back in the taxi*
FABIUS- Drive faster, accursed flesh-thing!
TAXI DRIVER- So as I was sayin', that's when I 'ad me bunions removed. Course, it were painful an' all, seein' as I 'ad it done wiv yer common garden rake...
AHRIMAN- Ah, I can almost smell victory! Muahahahahahahaha!!!
TAXI DRIVER- Beg yer pudden mate, but that ain't yer precious victory, just me ol' gut workin' me lunch through... well, bugger me, chicken always gives me gas... *offensive flatulent sound* Cor lumme, watch yerselves, that un's a proper guffer an' no mistake...
ABADDON- *praying* Look, I'm sorry about all those Black Crusades. Just get me out of this and I promise I won't launch any more unholy crusades into the False Imperium anymore...
TAXI DRIVER- *craning forward* 'Ere, what's that nutter doin'?
FABIUS- Looks like he's leaning out of the window... and throwing something!
AHRIMAN- Sweet Tzeentch, look out!
*Tzaphiel's plasma pistol smashes through the windscreen and lands in Abaddon's lap*
ABADDON- Well, this is certainly an awkward position...
*The plasma pistols start to spasm and fires on full-auto, spraying the inside of the cab with plasma fire*
AHRIMAN- Aaaaah!!! It's mighty AP of 2 cuts through my pitiful 3+ Save! Aaaargh!!!
FABIUS- Aaaaargh!!! 4+ Invulnerable Save... provided by Chirurgeon... ineffective... ARGH!!!
ABADDON- Sweet jeebus, it hurts!
KHARN- *muffled voice from boot* When in Rome... ARRRGH!!! The pain! The incredibly painful... err... PAIN!!! AAAARGH!!!
TAXI DRIVER- *spinning the wheel* If it's alright wiv you gents, I was goin' to frow the car into a rather cinematic spin, before the 'ole blummy fing tips over an' rolls to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal an' fire.
FABIUS- That would be fine.
AHRIMAN- Yep. Go for it.
ABADDON- Could we have the engine exploding for no particular reason as well?
TAXI DRIVER- Don't see why not. Right, steady yerselves gents. An' if I was you, I'd scream an' yell randomly as well. It 'elps.
*The Traitors all agree.*
KHARN- *muffled from the boot* What's going on? Guys? Guys...?

*Back in the Eulogy*
ARGRATH- Look, Tzaphiel's "plan", and I use that term in it's loosest sense, seems to have done something!
GABRIEL- Wow, look at all that random plasma fire punching through the car.
ARGRATH- Hey, that was a nice cinematic spin there.
GABRIEL- And look, the thing seems to have tipped over and rolled to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal and fire!
ARGRATH- And that's some nice random screaming and yelling there as well.
GABRIEL- Yeah, it helps.
ARGRATH- Whoa, looks like the engine's exploded for no particular reason as well!
TZAPHIEL- All according to plan! Hah-hah! Now Berial! Drive! Drive I say!
BERIAL- I'm not even half a metre away from you... you don't have to shout...
TZAPHIEL- YES I DO!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*The Eulogy drives off towards London*

*Back with the crashed taxi. Fabius, Ahriman, Abaddon and the Driver are all standing looking at the wreck*
ABADDON- I have to admit, that WAS nice cinematic spin.
AHRIMAN- And it was pretty cool when the car tipped over and rolled to a stop as a nightmare tangle of twisted metal and fire.
FABIUS- Yeah, and all that random screaming and yelling really helped.
ABADDON- And look, the engine exploded for no particular reason after all!
TAXI DRIVER- Well, that was me crash fer a long time! Nice doin' business wiv you gents. Oh, an' if you want to catch up wiv yer Rivals, yer'd better start 'oofin' it, sharpish.
AHRIMAN- Right guys, let's go.
*They walk off.*
TAXI DRIVER- What a nice bunch of gents.
*He walks off in the opposite direction.*
KHARN- *muffled from within the wreck* Hello? Hello!? Is anyone there? I'm in an ungodly amount of pain... I think, I think... yes, yes, there is a metre-long metal bar through my leg... hello? Hello? Could someone please call an ambulance, because I can't emphasise how much pain I'm in... okay... I'll try and claw my way out... *snap of bone* Aaargh! My hand has bent the wrong way, so I'll try with the other hand... *snap of bone* Aaaargh! Okay, now both my hands are broken and bleeding... the blood is tinged with green... I don't think that's a good sign. Hello? I really could use some medical aid here... hello? Someone? I don't mean to rush, but I can feel my consciousness fading here... anyone?
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:48:37 PM
Part Four people!

*The Eulogy is parked outside a hotel. Inside, the Rivals are taking breakfast. Berial has tagged along for no real reason*
WAITER- What can I get for you sirs?
ARGRATH- Coffee, flesh-blister. And hurry! I am in desperate need of caffeine...
TZAPHIEL- Why?
ARGRATH- When you get to my ripe old age, you simply NEED it.
BERIAL- Not us though!
ARGRATH- Curse your youth...
WAITER- How would you like it sir?
ARGRATH- *exasperated sigh* So black that I have to chew before swallowing. Okay?
WAITER- Errr... okay sir, I think we can manage that... *turns to Gabriel* And sir?
GABRIEL- Strong monkish ale. With added zeal, if possible. I likes me mah zeal.
*Waiter scribbles down on notepad.*
WAITER- Righto. And you two?
BERIAL- Got any foul, raw bubbling warp essence?
WAITER- *shrugs* I believe we have some Bovril in the back.
BERIAL- That'll do.
TZAPHIEL- O.J.
WAITER- He's currently staying at the Ritz sir, not here. Anything-
TZAPHIEL- Orange... juice...
WAITER- Ah, gotcha. Okay gents, I'll be right back.
*Waiter leaves*
GABRIEL- Well, here we are, in Merrye Olde Englande! Lande ofe endinge everye worde withe ane ee!
ARGRATH- Yay, whoopy, never been there before. Only live here, s'all.
TZAPHIEL- Ditto.
BERIAL- Same here.
GABRIEL- Well, I'm looking forward to it!
TZAPHIEL- In the name of all the Hells, why!?
ARGRATH- If you say it's because you want to see the Queen, we'll redefine your world as living PAIN...
GABRIEL- In all honesty, I want to go to the Tower of London.
TZAPHIEL- To destroy the Crown Jewels?
BERIAL- Drop the destructive urge or your fixin' to get YOUR Crown Jewels destroyed.
TZAPHIEL- You and what army of arch-fiends, chump boy?
*Berial and Tzaphiel growl pathetically at each other. Argrath sighs and seperates them with a sweep of his massive decaying arm*
ARGRATH- Sure, why not? Tower of London sounds okay for a day out.
TZAPHIEL- And Westminster Abbey? How about there too?
ARGRATH- Do you promise not to summon Daemons while in there?
GABRIEL- Yeah, like when we went to Notre Dame. I mean, I've seen some pretty messy carnage in my infernal life, but sheesh...
TZAPHIEL- What exactly is wrong with Daemonettes cavorting with each other in hedonistic lust-rituals in... in the... the... *he trails off as pleasant mental images come to mind*
GABRIEL- Tzaph?
*Tzaphiel burbles incoherently for at least a quarter of an hour, to silent and worried stares. There are occassional audible snatches of sentences including nipples, tongues and the interesting alternative uses for chocolate fudge sauce*
BERIAL- *eventually* Tzaph!
TZAPHIEL- Oh, sorry. *pause* We were talking about Daemonettes?
ARGRATH- That was ten minutes ago!
TZAPHIEL- My bad. So, can we? Can we go to Westminster, pleeeeeeeease?
GABRIEL- Will denying you result in you doing those damned Chaos Hound eyes?
TZAPHIEL- Oh, most definitely.
ARGRATH- Fine, we'll go to the Tower of London AND Westminster. Fetid tapdancing Nurgle, this is why I don't hang out with you damn Undivided peons...
BERIAL- We'll probably need to use the Ancient Labyrinth Caverns of Eternal Depressing Gloom and Nauseous Stench.
TZAPHIEL- The London Underground?
BERIAL- Bingo.
GABRIEL- Well, let's eat and then move.
ARGRATH- Sounds good.
*Argrath inhales several plates of food. The three Word Bearers do likewise*

*Meanwhile, a couple of tables away, the Traitors sit, eating breakfast and crouching low in their seats in an attempt to remain unseen*
FABIUS- *through a mouthful of toast* Do you think they've seen us?
AHRIMAN- *buttering a coissant* Do not be foolish! My spell of invisibility has us cloaked, veiled in an impenetrable shroud of shadows and illusion! *munches, with his mouth full* They could not detect us even if we were a metre away from them!

*Back with the Rivals*
GABRIEL- *without looking up from the menu* Guys, the Traitors are over there.
TZAPHIEL, ARGRATH, BERIAL- *in unison, without looking up* We know.

*Back with the Traitors! Whoo-hah! Crazy scene changes abundant I say!*
ABADDON- I think I heard where they're planning to go!
KHARN- Really? Where?
ABADDON- I think they're going to go to the Tower of London, and Westminster Abbey.
AHRIMAN- But which one first?
ABADDON- I dunno. We should split into teams. Ahriman, you're with me. Fabius...
FABIUS- Aw poo.
ABADDON- Aw poo indeed. You're with Kharn.
KHARN- *in a full bodycast after his misfortune with the taxi* Oh, goody!
FABIUS- Oh, god.
ABADDON- Don't worry guys, I'll give a couple of friends a ring... *he produces a Chaos mobile phone, complete with spikes and poly-daemonic ringtone* Hehehe... hahahaha... muahaha... BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*Fabius and Ahriman shift back slightly*
AHRIMAN- Is he okay?
FABIUS- I don't really wanna know.
ABADDON- OH YES, THE POWER!!! IT MAKES ME FEEL ALIIIVE!!!

*The Rivals are outside the hotel, planning what to do*
ARGRATH- Well, I want to go to the Tower first.
TZAPHIEL- But I wanna go to Westminster Abbey!
BERIAL- I'm not picky.
GABRIEL- Me either.
ARGRATH- Tell you what; Berial and I will go to the Tower. Tzaph, you and Gabe go to Westminster. Then we'll meet outside the Houses of Parliament, or something.
TZAPHIEL- Sounds rockin'. Gabe, let's go.
GABRIEL- Oh, yes, "master"...
*The Rivals wander off. The Traitors pop up from behind a conveniently placed bush*
ABADDON- Fabius, you and Kharn go after Tzaphiel and Gabriel. Ahriman and I will follow Argrath and Berial. Remember, you'll meet up with your contact at the Tower.
FABIUS- Muahahaha, he shall be the death of them both!
ABADDON- Yes, quite. Ahriman!
AHRIMAN- Yo!
ABADDON- Onward!
AHRIMAN- Ho!
*Abaddon and Ahriman dramatically leap after Argrath and Berial. Fabius, wheeling Kharn in a wheelchair, trundle after Tzaphiel and Gabriel*

*Meanwhile, on the bottom of the sea...*
*A mysterious figure shifts on the seabed. They are shrouded in the inky blackness of the depths of the ocean, and stagger to their feet*
MYSTERY FIGURE- Urgh... limbs *gasp* smashed... lungs *gasp* squashed... slight headache... spleen... still unaccounted for... can't keep *urgh* describing symptoms... must regain strength... must regain... POWER!!!
*Mystery figure rises from the ocean in a coruscating halo of dark light and malign Chaos energy*
MYSTERY FIGURE- MUAHAHAHA!!! TREMBLE WORLD, FOR MY BLASPHEMOUS REJUVENATION IS COMPLETE!!! ONCE AGAIN, I SHALL BE PLAGUE AND DECAY UPON THIS EARTH!!! FEAR ME, OH FEEBLE INHABITANTS OF...
*pauses to read a nearby signpost*
BEXHILL BEACH!!! MUAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA!!! *pause* .... yeah.
*Random old couple look towards the darkling figure*
OLD WOMAN- Who do you think that is, 'Arold?
OLD MAN- Dunno Mabel... looks like one of them Chaos Warlords of Nurgle, or somesuch.
OLD WOMAN- Ooo, I don't like those Chaos Warlords... always killin' and spreading unholy disease. Our Trisha had a spot of bother with one of 'em only the other week, and she said...
MYSTERY FIGURE- SILENCE, FLESH-BLISTERS!!!
OLD WOMAN- Politeness don't cost nothin', young man. Now apologise!
MYSTERY FIGURE- BE QUIET, YOU HEINOUS HAG-BEAST!!!
OLD WOMAN- Well I never!
OLD MAN- 'Ere, now look 'ere...
MYSTERY FIGURE- DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND THE PLACE YOU CALL LONDON? SPEAK QUICKLY, 'LEST I EVISCERATE THEE AND FEED THEE THINE BOWELS!!! ... or pancreas *pause* ... yeah.
OLD WOMAN- What's the magic word?
MYSTERY FIGURE- WENCH, I KNOW COUNTLESS DARK INCANTATIONS!!! WITH BUT A WORD I CAN FLAY THE FLESH FROM THINE FACE, OR TRANSMUTE THINE BLOOD INTO CAUSTIC TAR!!!
OLD WOMAN- Unless I hear a "please", we ain't telling you nothin'.
MYSTERY FIGURE- OH FOR THE EYE'S SAKE... PLEASE?
OLD WOMAN- That's better. Didn't hurt, did it?
MYSTERY FIGURE- THOUGH MY MAGNIFICENT STATURE DOES NOT DISPLAY IT, MY SOUL HAST BEEN TORN IN TWAIN FOLLOWING SUCH PETTY PROTOCOL AND MORTAL NICETIES.
*long pause*
OLD MAN- Oh.
OLD WOMAN- Would you like a sticky bandage?
MYSTERY FIGURE- NAY!!! I DESIRE ONLY THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE WHEREABOUTS OF THE PLACE YOU CALL LONDON!!!
OLD MAN- *gesturing vaguely over his shoulder* 'Coupla miles that way.
MYSTERY FIGURE- AH, YOU FEEBLE FLESH-THINGS STILL BEND UNTO MINE WILL!!! FATHER NURGLE HAS NOT ABANDONED ME YET!!!
OLD WOMAN- You don't have to shout, we're right here.
MYSTERY FIGURE- *faltering* ERR... IT IS MORE... DRAMATIC!!! *pause* ... or something.
OLD MAN- Never 'eard so much shouting in all me life.
OLD WOMAN- Tsk, Chaos Warlords these days. Just a bunch of noisy hooligans!
MYSTERY FIGURE- ERRR... I... WELL... YOU SEE...
OLD MAN- No respect!
OLD WOMAN- Our generation was better!
OLD MAN- Back in my day...
OLD WOMAN- I remember when...
MYSTERY FIGURE- BE QUIET!!! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU INSULT WITH YOUR ENDLESS TIRADES?
OLD MAN- Who?
MYSTERY FIGURE- I... AM... *thunderclouds roll in, sea becomes stormy and wild* DAAASLEAH CAAALIN DESAAAI!!! SCOURGE OF LIFE, BANE OF PURITY, DEFILER OF FANOGANE VIII, AND HERALD OF THE PLAGUES OF GREAT FATHER NURGLE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
*long pause*
OLD WOMAN- What did he say his name was?
OLD MAN- I think he said Daniel.
OLD WOMAN- Well, I didn't vote for 'im.
*With a scream of rage, Dasleah slays the old couple and flies towards London*
DASLEAH- SOON I SHALL HAVE REVENGE UPON TZAPHIEL FOR HIS BETRAYAL OF ME UPON THE FLIGHT TO THIS DESOLATE PLACE!!! NO BEING, MORTAL OR DAEMONIC, INSULTS DASLEAH AND LIVES TO TELL THE TALE!!! NO-OOONE!!!
*pause*
DASLEAH- God, I'm good at this.

*Back with Tzaphiel and Gabriel, at Westminster Abbey*
GABRIEL- This is the place. Pretty nice.
TZAPHIEL- Indeed it is... indeed it is. A beautiful structure with a long and proud history, embodying faith, duty, and honour.
*long pause*
TZAPHIEL- Well, no time like the present. Gabe, pass me my Hymns of Pandemonium.
GABRIEL- *handing over a huge book* I thought you'd never ask.
TZAPHIEL- *flipping through the book* Let's see... what to summon... Catastrophes... Daemonettes... Desires... Elementals... Enigmas... Fiends... Flamers... Flesh Hounds... *mutter* a friggin' index would have been nice... *brightens up* ah, here we go... Furies.
GABRIEL- Hallejulah.
TZAPHIEL- Hallejulah indeed. Now then... I'll need a blood sacrifice...
GABRIEL- *grabbing a nearby civilian and messily tearing him in half* Check.
TZAPHIEL- ... And an Icon to summon them to.
GABRIEL- *producing a big novelty foam hand declaring that "Furies Are #1!"* Check.
*Tzaphiel puts on the big novelty foam hand and begins the summoning ritual*
TZAPHIEL- Uuz'bhed'urruu Rghao'vsoouz'nrua...
GABRIEL- Do we HAVE to use Furies to destroy Westminster? I mean, I have krak grenades...
TZAPHIEL- Where's the fun- and effectiveness- in that? Furies are ten gallons of ass-kicking in a five gallon jug, yo'.
GABRIEL- Point taken. So make with the sacrilege!
TZAPHIEL- You made me lose my place!
*Suddenly!*
MYSTERY VOICE 1- That's not all you'll lose!
MYSTERY VOICE- 2- Indeed, for a great deal more than your place will be lost!
MYSTERY VOICE 1- Yeah! Like your life! Muahahahaha!
TZAPHIEL- Who's that?
GABRIEL- I dunno... but they're good.
*Fabius wheels Kharn out from behind a pillar*
FABIUS- Thought you could escape us, eh?
TZAPHIEL- *shrugs* Owing to your utterly grotesque incompetence... yeah.
FABIUS- Well, you were wrong!
KHARN- DEAD wrong!
GABRIEL- Damn, they're really good.
TZAPHIEL- Yeah, they're really good... at being losers!
GABRIEL- OO-RAR!!!
MYSTERY VOICE 3- As amusing as I find all this witty banter...
GABRIEL- Yeah! As amusing as you being a loser!
TZAPHIEL- OO-RAR!!!
FABIUS- Damn, they're stealing our bit...
KHARN- Why I oughta...
TZAPHIEL- Oughta what? Not be a loser?
GABRIEL- OO-RAR!!!
MYSTERY VOICE 3- If I hear one more "witty" phrase that would often be associated with either pro-wrestling or a cheerleader's hissy-fit, there's gonna be a whole lotta pain... *pause* for you.
TZAPHIEL- Then show thyself!
*The owner of Mystery Voice 3 steps out of hiding to reveal himself...*
GABRIEL- Dum dum DUUUM!!!
TZAPHIEL- You don't have to say "dum dum DUUUM"... it's implied.
GABRIEL- Phooey.
*The owner of Mystery Voice 3 is... Typhus! He seems different from before... he has a crapload of bionics and augmetic limbs*
TYPHUS- Hiya.
TZAPHIEL- It's Typhus!
GABRIEL- I thought you died during the Eye of Terror campaign!
TYPHUS- Nay, I was but grievously wounded. But my devout followers rebuilt me with bionics and strengthened my body! Now I am stronger than ever! Half Typhus, half android! HENCEFORTH, I SHALL BE KNOWN AS... TYPHOID!!!
*long loaded pause*
*longer...*
*Tzaph and Gabe suppress a snigger*
GABRIEL- Laaaame...
TZAPHIEL- Typhoid? Pssh, I think I hear Influenza calling.
TYPHOID- You leave my mother out of this!
GABRIEL- *unlimbering accursed crozius* Don't sing it, bring it, mamma's boy.
FABIUS- *readying Rod of Torment* Bile shall whoop your ass Bile-tastically.
TZAPHIEL- *unsheathing Dark Blade* Hope you have a good doctor, 'cos I'm about to put the hurt on.
KHARN- *flailing IV tubes in a threatening manner* IT'S THWACKY TIME!!!
TYPHOID- Oh for Heaven's sake... if I wanted to hear stuff like this, I would have stayed at home and watched a pseudo-sport, like professional wrestling or Foxy Boxing. But, pain is pain... *readies Manreaper*
*The five close in on each other, ready to strike, when suddenly!*
GABRIEL- Dum dum DUUUM!!!
TZAPHIEL- For the last time, it's implied!
GABRIEL- Don't harsh my buzz, square.
*Anyway... suddenly, a menacing winged figure flashes past, and settles on a nearby low wall*
MYSTERY FIGURE- CEASE!!!
ALL- WTF!?
MYSTERY FIGURE- *pointing to Tzaphiel* YOU!!! TZAPHIEL!!! NOW YOU DIE!!!
TZAPHIEL- I'm not Tzaphiel! Errr... *pointing to Gabriel* He is!
GABRIEL- Hey, ass!
TZAPHIEL- I'm just trying to divert daemonic rage onto you... geez... why can't you be a team player for once?
MYSTERY FIGURE- ENOUGH!!! I AM TIRED OF YOUR BANAL DRIBBLINGS!!!
*pause*
TZAPHIEL- ... You said "banal"... right?
MYSTERY FIGURE- ... YES.
TZAPHIEL- God, that's a relief...
MYSTERY FIGURE- ANYWAY... NOW YOU...
TZAPHIEL- 'Cos, y'know, that would just be nasty otherwise...
MYSTERY FIGURE- SHUT UP!!!
TZAPHIEL- I mean, you probably wouldn't be the only one who'd get tired of it... I'd be downright annoyed...
MYSTERY FIGURE- SILENCE!!!
GABRIEL- Isn't it kind of contradictory to shout "silence"?
MYSTERY FIGURE- ENOUGH!!! *huge eruption of dark energy and light* NOW THEN... TZAPHIEL!!! YOUR TREACHERY WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED!!! NO-ONE DRUGS ME, PUSHES ME OUT OF A PLANE, AND LIVES TO BOAST ABOUT IT!!! *pause* well... not for long anyway... yeah.
TZAPHIEL- Wait! That must mean that you're... you're...
MYSTERY FIGURE- YES TZAPHIEL... YES!!!
TZAPHIEL- You're... *gasp*... Aunt Petunia?
*pause*
MYSTERY FIGURE- ... YES TZAPHIEL!!! IT IS ME, DAAASLEAH!!! *thunderclap* ... yeah.
TZAPHIEL- That was my second guess.
GABRIEL- Moron.
DASLEAH- NOW TZAPHIEL, PREPARE TO PAY THE PRICE!!!
*Tzaphiel and Dasleah leap to battle*
FABIUS- So... what, are they ignoring us now?
TYPHOID- I've had under a dozen lines, and the writer's cutting me out already? Laaame.
KHARN- I like bagels.

The fight of the century is under way! Dasleah versus Tzaphiel! Who will win? Who knows? Who cares? And what of Argrath and Berial, being pursued by Abaddon and Ahriman? All these questions and more will be answered in Traitors, Part Five!



How did you like it?

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:50:40 PM
A Chaos Space Marine’s Diary

The following text is made up of notes from the diary of a Chaos Space Marine in the Black Legion.

Dreaded Diary,

Day 1, week 1
- Arrived at new camp on planet Ythcolgar.
- Started to feel pain in left arm. No idea why.
- Hung piece of paper on brother Ardius’ backpack reading “Purge me!” and had a good (and sinister) laugh with the rest of the lads.
- Brother Behemon painted the coolest ever winged skull on his shoulderplate today, and was brutally butchered by the guv’ (Estragor, Exalted Champion of Chaos) for being a Night Lords sympathizer.

Day 2, week 1
- Pain in arm growing. Went to Chaos sorcerer, who told me three words: “Extremis Unconfortablis Mutatis.” I’m visiting brother Arzhar tomorrow, to ask about mutation symptoms. (Arzhar has already got an ostrich-leg and a bat’s nose.)
- The Guv’ didn’t like the “purge me” joke, and as punishment I spent three hours writing “You’re dead!” back to front on the front of my squad’s Rhino, in preparation for next week’s big cityfight.
- Attended brother Behemon’s funeral today. The way sergeant Sargoth placed his blooded skull atop that burning mound of bones really stirred some emotions, but we all forgot our sadness and frustration by getting leglessly drunk on boozed-up blood afterwards.

Day 3, week 1
- Awoke with a terrible hangover from last night, and hung on my bed I found a picture of me making out with a daemonette. This, of course, led to quite a few “HOWs”, “WHYs” and “WHENs”
- Arzhar (who by the way has been gifted an additional ostrich leg by his patron) told me to expect a hideous mutation of my left arm. Although I have yet to read about the pros and cons of mutation, I’m hoping for either a whip-like tentacle or a massive crab’s claw!
- Found a scorched skull on the gound and hung it in my belt, but was then given a thorough lesson from sarge about martial honour, and how one shall only display battle-trophies that one-self has won. Frankly I couldn’t care less what he and the Blood God thinks.

Day 4, week 1
- Today we sacked an undefended city on the planet Urnium. Found a convenience store selling cereal-boxes called “Corn-chaos.” (a fitting name, I might add). The guv, however, took the cereal’s title as an insult mocking his patron, Khorne, and burned the shop personally. Fortunately I managed to grab the latest issue of “Universe at War” before the magasine-rack was consumed by the flames.
- Got into a fight with brother Octavius over which of the two destroyed legions landed on Istvaan V first. He claimed it was the (fragment missing), but surely it was the colossal landing crafts of the (fragment missing) legion which first touched the ground?
- Played Death-poker with the lads before going to bed. The only casualty was brother Magnon, who bought it in the fourth round. Won myself a neat little master-crafted beauty of a bolt-pistol, and a bottle of some blue liquid. (Note: The bottle was labeled: “Do not add anything”)

Day 5, week 1
- Today, the guv beheaded brother Raphaelus for having tattooed a certain rune on his forehead. But Raphaelus died with a smile on the face of his severed head, having had great fun tricking the entire company into believing that he had been given the Mark of Khorne.
- Pain in arm growing, the sorcerer told me to expect a mutation any day. I still find it hard to believe that I have particularly pleased one of the powers, except for perhaps amusing Slaanny by symbolically eating that Eldar’s spirit-stone in a battle a few weeks ago. (That stone was hard as rock, by the way, and it really messed up my teeth. And I was hoping for fangs and all!
- Attended “Pint-night” with the rest of the squad. In lack of boozed-up blood, drank the blue liquid I won at the poker-game. The liquid turned out stronger and fiercer than an irritated Bloodthirster, and sent me running to the latrine, screaming like a Horror. Before I reaching it, I had already vomited half my interiours all over the newly-polished Land Raider. (Note: Formed the vomit into looking like an evil face, and the tank commander was impressed when he saw it the next day.)

Day 6, week 1
- Last night I had a long vision of Tzeentch, telling me how mad he was at me. I spent all night running from his minions in the psychic realm. How I earned the wrath of Tzeentchie-boy (that old trickster is beyond me.
- Was told at the mess that the blue liquid I had drunk last night was infact an antidote to Nurgle’s Rot, and was lifted up by a group of Plague-marines and carried across the courtyard, being praised and honoured by the foul men. Never before have I drunk and thereby destroyed the nemesis of an entire squad of marines. (Note: My new nikcname is “Doom-drinker,” apparently.)

Day 7, week 1
- Awoke with left arm fully mutated! A beautiful tentacle-thingy, slimy and gross. Had great fun coiling it around brother Xarnon’s throat and almost strangling him. Went to Arzhar’s tent with a bunch of posessees, and had a “Who’s got the most hideous body-part”-competition. (Brother Igmarius won, sporting a toe with a fly’s head and little legs of it’s own.)
- Got tickets for tomorrow’s Emperor’s Children gig on the planet Harthras IV. (Note: Bus leaves at 4.00)
- Went to Chaos sorcerer in hope of finding out which god has gifted me with the tentacle. After two hours of the sorceror looking at the arm and taking down notes, came the following answer: “It is probably either Khorne, Tzeentch, Nurgle or Slaanesh.” (No big suprises there)

Day 1, week 2
- Went all day fooling around camp. For fun, pretended to be a nutter and was grouped with the posessed squad. Learned all there is to know about being possessed, and wrote down some of their most memorable lines: “The Emperor wins in the end”, “Does my host have bad breath?,” and “Man, the looks of this host are spoiling my chances of getting laid.”
- In the evening, went to Emperor’s Children concert on Harthras IV. Went backstage and got Eidolon’s autograph, and got my picture taken next to him, holding a blastmaster. After the concert, almost my entire squad talked about joining the Slaaneshi cult. (Note: Group pressure is a bad thing)
- Looking forward to tomorrow’s cityfight, spent the late hours painting terror-markings and contrasting colours on my armour, along with the lads. Only one of them had actually pledged his soul to Slaanny after the concert, and we helped him paint ridiculous colour-patterns and naughty artwork on his armour.

Day 2, week 2
- Had a good old cityfight in Yarnus, the capitol of the planet Kravus. Tried out the bolt-pistol I had won at the poker-game, but killed no-one with it (except brother Elmius by accident. He was probably gonna die anyway, right?). Ended with the bolt-pistol blowing up in my hand and rendering me unable to use a weapon. (Ever tried holding a boltgun with a tentacle?) Despite pain and being “psysically challenged” I managed to impress sarge by strangling two hapless citizens with my tentacle in less than 10 seconds.
- On the way back to base, I got friendly with Khorne-berzerker Arturion, and after he initially tried to chop my head off, we had an interesting coversation about social issues and skull-taking.

Day 3, week 2
- Awoke finding Arturion licking the blood off my wounded hand (which I had forgotten to do something about). Went with Arturion to the tech-marine, who replaced my wounded hand with a robot-one. The sad thing is that if it had been treated right away, I would only have had to replace 96, 7 percent of my hand, and not the whole thing. Arturion put his name up in the list for some more psycho-surgery. I said I like natural rage better, but he wouldn’t listen, and kept claiming it would make give him better self-confidence and make him more attractive.
- For an evening out, I went to the killing-grounds with the rest of my squad, to fight a pack of brutish beastmen. Did many things that Arturion had learnt me, but discovered that I still have to work on my “Double-Decap.” (Note: Must remember to send “I’m sorry”-letter to brother Lurg.)

Day 4, week 2
- Was told that brother Lurg from my squad died last night from wounds sustained at the killing-grounds yesterday. Unfortuately no one noticed how he was wounded. Although Lurg probably did, it was hard for him to explain without his jaw. (Note: Must remember to burn the “I’m Sorry!”-letter)
- Played Death-poker in the evening. Won nothing, and lost half my miniature-collection, including the special character “Rambo.” (We play with the miniatures in a game called “Warhammer 2k”)

- Day 5, week 2
- Sarge found the “I’m Sorry”-letter before I had time to burn it. Suprisingly, he didn’t mind the fact that it was I the one who had inflicted the mortal wounds on Lurg (by accident, of course...) Instead, he said that Khorne apparently favours those who kill their friends and allies, and fetched Lurg’s severed jaw for me to wear as a trophy.
- Was part of a group of marines ordered to test the new Dreadclaws. The pod I was in failed to work, and plumetted to the ground at lightning-speed. The pod crashed in a desert area of the planet, the impact killing everyone in the pod except me. Hours later I was found unconcious by the search-team, with a third-degree burn on my tentacle and without a lower jaw.

Day 6, week 2
- Left the field-hospital/gene-mixing-lab early in the morning, with a bandaged tentacle and a fully functional jaw. Apparently, they hadn’t found my original one, so they took the one hanging on a chain around my neck and put that one on instead.
- Went to Arzhar’s tent to ask how to treat injured mutated limbs. Arzhar, the poor #######, has by now been given a turtle’s shell and pig’s head (although he’s still got the bat’s nose), and was not in the mood to talk about mutations. Instead we discussed career-possibilities in the legion, and advaning to higher ranks. I’ve found out that possible career choices are: To join one of the cults, become a biker or havoc specialist, survive long enough to become a veteran, get possessed, almost die and become a Dreadnought, or become a driver. Tough choice, eh?
- In the evening, I returned to the killing-grounds with my squad, this time pitched against a group of imperial captives. We barely made it out alive, although this time I managed to perfectly execute the Double-Decap.

Day 7, week 2
- The talk with Arzhar yesterday really got me thinking. Walked around the camp, asking the different marines about what career THEY had chosen. So far, the cults seem unlikely (although the plague-marines will of course welcome “Doom Drinker” into their group anytime), and becoming possessed seems to leave few chances of advancing further in the ranks. Besides, having a face growing out of my chest and babbling philosofical nonsence all day isn’t my biggest ambition in life.
- Later, the camp was visited today by a small group of Word Bearers lead by a chaplain, coming to tell us all about why we should join their legion instead. Their endless preaching was cut short when the guv’ intervened, butchering them to a man. The survivor was held down and his armour was taken off. Then the guv’ tatooed the eye of Horus on his forehead, and “Black Legion rocks!" all over his chest. He was then carried into a space-ship, and finally jettisoned into space in a sarcophagus marked “To Lorgar!”

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:51:16 PM
Day 1, week 3
- Had nothing to do half the day, so went with brother Ixius to the paint-shed where we stylised our armour some more. Ixius painted a large I (for Ixius) on his chestplate, although I’m sure I’ve seen that particluar letter dislplayed in similar manners before...
- Started preparing this week’s lighting-raid on an imperial hive-city called Necromunda. Apparently, the guv and all his officers and allies had been planning this raid for months, and have done all the nescessary calculations. With the forces we’re gonna use, the hive city will be reduced to a scorched wasteland littered with the dead in no time!
- In the evening, the guv violently slaughtered one of his own marines. The reason was that the marine had been given a mutated head by his god. What had his head mutated into? Two eagle-heads...

Day 2, week 3
- Got up early to play Blood-hockey with the lads, against a team composed of bloodthirsty beastmen and some imperial prisoners. With the game being my first one for ages, I only managed two kill-goals and one goal-kill. In the end, we won the game 18-3.
- Later, my squad and I was ordered into the desert-region of the planet to crush a beastman rebellion against us. When arriving, we saw that without any material to build a proper base with, they had constructed a gigantic sandcastle in the middle of the sea of sand-dunes. I was the big hero of the campaign, firing the descisive (and only) shot which took down their stronghold, burying them underneath. Was rewarded a medallion by the guv, which was ripped from my armour again when the lads told him what kind of resistance we had met.

Day 3, week 3
- Brother Taxius and brother Cormius came up with a great tactical idea today: Havoc bikers. Taxius and Cormius decided on sharing their stroke of strategic genius withe the guv himself, and went at once to his throne-room. Strangely enough, only one of them received a public execution for their stupidity (Cormius). Infact the guv assembled a unit of Havoc bikers, and made Taxius the unit sergeant. Apparently, the guv thought leading such a pointless unit on the battlefield would be prove to be punishment enough.
- Around noon, brother Praetorax threw a spray of “Mr. Clean” into the plague-marines’ tent as a joke. Punishment was dished out by the guv, who ensured that Praetorax will have his hands busy for quite a while; Praetorax was ordered to polish the armour of all the company’s plague-marines, and only when every single piece of armour has passed the white-glove test, will he be allowed to stop. Not suprisingly, a dozen of our company’s marines joined the Nurgle-cult today, for obvious reasons.
- Used most of the day packing my bags and preparing for the hive-city assault.

Day 4, week 3

(Nothing was written this day)

Day 5, week 3
- Mission to destroy hive-city Necromunda yesterday was cancelled, as our base fell under attack by a force of Iron Warriors before sunrise. Me and the rest of my squad were taken as captives by them, and we were taken deep into the warp aboard a small space hulk the Iron Warriors had mobilized. Their commanding warsmith said to us: “Half of your men escaped, half of your men were killed, and the last half were captured.” (So much for the Iron Warriors’ cold and efficient LOGIC) But he also told us how amazed he was by our defence skill, and that he was impressed by our tactical abilities. Apparently, the Havoc bikers had held back the Iron Warriors for several hours, allowing many marines to escape the doomed base.
- Today, we landed on a desert-planet (Tellarm or Tallern or something) for unknown reasons, and from my iron cage (which I was held in) I overheard two Iron Warriors playing in the sand:

“My sandcastle is bigger than yours!”
“No it isn’t!”
“Yes it is, and it has lascannons here and here, and these are missile lauchers!”
“Well mine’s got that aswell, and a moat full of skulls and barbed wire!”
“Your lascannons aren’t placed at the right spots! What if the enemy attacked here? Or here? Or put heavy fire on this wall? You’d have to concentrate the fire on that area over by the dead lizard, while your terminators got into position over by that pile of bones. And barbed wire placed over there isn’t gonna slow the enemy down! You’ve gotta put another turret on this spot here, next to the cactus, and have warriors standing ready over here in case of a breakthrough. And what if that scorpion over there assaulted this wall? I’d suggest a squad of...”

No doubt the Iron Warriors are tactical geniuses. I never learned what their business on the desert-planet was, and we left only hours later.

Day 6, week 3
- Early in the morning, we were brutally dragged from our warm and comfy chains and shackles and pitched against a squad of Obliterators in a game of inter-planetary Blood-hockey. We were solemnly beaten 23-2, with two casualties, one IGB (In-Game-Betrayal), and four of our men are probably still drifting into space.
- Discovered on my way back to the cell that the guv is also aboard the hulk. Not a big suprise really, as it’s not like him to run away or die in the heat of battle.
- Played Death-poker with a makeshift deck of cards (don’t ask), and I stole the show, winning three pieces of dry bread and five glasses of stagnant water.

Day 7, week 3
- Enjoyed a peaceful day in the cell. Nothing much happened, apart from brother Garvius being put in a straightjacket, brother Xathras climbing the walls, and the ever-complaining, ever-wining, ALWAYS annoying brother Urshar being knocked out, permanently. (NOT by me, I swear...)
- Later, a brilliantly co-operated jailbreak was carried out. Lead by the guv, all the Black Legion captives aboard the space hulk rampaged through the drifting metal-behemoth, killing everything we met, and probably everything we didn’t meet, considering we ended it all by blowing the hulk into at least two pieces. (Doesn’t have the same effect as “a million pieces,” does it?)

Day 1, week 4
- Back on our good old planet! We all celebrated our happy return with a visit to the killing grounds. Even the guv joined in, and we all had a merry time killing each other, since there was no-one else to fight. The guv said afterwards that events like these are nescessary to determine who are worthy of serving him. Those who died were obviously not worthy. Later, we partied in the mess, the sorcerer conjuring drinks from the depths of the warp, and we all got totally hammered. (Note: It’s fun dancing with Horrors when you’re drunk)

Day 2, week 4
- Received tragic news that brother Praetorax had comitted suicide with a bomb, finally having had enough of polishing plague-infested armour. There was a memorial service at noon, with the (very few) remains of Praetorax being ritually fed to a pack of wild mutant-geese. Everyone attended except the plague-marines, who had lost both their servant and their sergeant when the bomb went off. Ironically, the bomb-explosion had burnt every drop of slime off their armour...
- Brother Arzhar, the Toy of the Gods (which he has been titled by his superior) has received yet another mutation. His latest hideous feature is a frog’s chin. And while we was captured aboard the space hulk, he had been gifted a fish-tail. Lay awake all night because of the noises coming from his tent. (Note: “Riddip” and “croak” are the two most annoying sounds in the galaxy.)

Day 3, week 4
- Felt like doing nothing, so rented three videos with some of my squad-mates: “Edward Lightning-claws”, “Children of the Khorne”, and a documentary film starring among others the guv himself: “Pitch Black Crusade.”
- After having watched films for hours and eventually getting fed up, we went to the mess. On the tent, there hung a large poster with a picture of his majesty Abaddon the Despoiler, pointing at us with his Talon of Horus, and the text read “Abaddon wants you!” Inspired by the movie we had just watched (and just for kicks, of course), my entire squad (including me) put their names up for the next Black Crusade. We decided that burning planets, killing imperials and enslaving billions looks great, and we made the guv really proud of us too.
- Later, we found this really neat piece of armour in the junkyard, and brother Halus put it on at once. Of course, no-one told him that what he had just put on was a suit of armour from the Thousand Sons legion. And we quickly discovered that it was still occupied by it’s original wearer, when the armour ran off with Halus screaming to get out.

Day 4, week 4
- Today, sarge told us that there were already thousands of regulars who had signed up for his majesty Abaddon’s next Black Crusade. In order to participate in the crusade, our squad had to choose a more specialized style of warfare, since there was still a shortage of specialist troops in the Black Crusade army. We had a poll, and it was soon decided that our path was to become bikers. Without further ado, we all started practising to become bikers, something that was quite hard considering we had not been issued any bikes yet.
- Saw the new poster at the mess, telling that there is a contest to see who can recruit the most marines into joining the Black Crusade. (First prize is an antique shoulderplate worn by the great commander Orghoth, that’s for recruiting 20 marines.) Went to Arzhar’s tent and tried persuading him into joining the crusade, and he finally agreed to, after I had outdone myself in making up lame reasons for him to join.
Day 5, week 4
- Got up before sunrise and ran around camp recruiting marines to join the crusade. I realised that if I wake them from their sleep early in the morning, most of the marines will say (or agree to do) anything as long as you go away and let them sleep.
- Went to the head-office and handed in the paper with all the signatures. It actually turned out that I didn’t win the recruitment-contest, as the Berzerker champion had walked around the camp last night and forced a heap of marines to join. If the choice is between going on a Black Crusade or getting you head cut off, what would you have answered? Anyway, I won second prize, a really cool replica of Khârn the Betrayer’s helmet. After scaring a few of my squad-mates out of bed by wearing the helmet and shouting “Blood for the Blood God!”, I painted it black and adorned it with the Eye of Horus, the most infamous of all the Chaos symbols. (Plus it’s my favorite one.)
- Went to Arzhar’s tent, and helped him paint the Eye on his turtle-shell. Actually, I didn’t, and wrote instead: “One-man zoo!” A mean thing to do? Hardly, since mutants always say they want to be treated like everone else.

Day 6, week 4
- Today, some crucial messages were given to us by sarge. The Black Crusade is commencing in one week, but we won’t be joining it until the main fleet comes to our system, which should happen a few days later. Also, he told us that our squad had been accepted to become bikers, and that our bikes would be issued to us when we join the fleet. Finally, he told us that the guv has been accepted into Abaddon’s inner circle of lords for the crusade. Apparently, this is to be celebrated next week at the newly built pub/pleasure-house “Sex, drugs and worse!”, erected by the Slaaneshi cult.
- Went around camp all day trying to get hold of some drinks for next week’s party. I came over several choices: the regular boozed-up blood, a bottle of “Brother Bravius’ Belly-burner,” and some green slime which sticked to the wall when I threw it. In the end, I went with the Belly-burner for variety, since the slime tasted bad, and I’m tired of boozed-up blood. (Besides, the last time I drunk it, I vomited up big lumps of coagulated blood the next day, which pleased only the berzerker who I allowed to have them.)
- Played Death-poker with the squad, and lost my fake Khorne-necklace (Oh no:). I also lost a gold tooth that I never knew I had. Apparently, brother Renghar, who won it, had been a friend of brother Lurg, the former owner of my jaw.

Day 7, week 4
- Walked around camp with brother Fermicus and sold off all the gear that we won’t be needing when we become bikers. Traded our beloved Heavy bolter for a skull-shaped helmet, an antique deck of cards and a small Chaos familiar that was found in the mess sink this morning.
- After a big, bloody fight that probably pleased Khorne, brother Halus got to keep the skull-helmet. Then we played a quick game of Death-poker (without the full rules, since we wanted to be at full strength for the crusade), and since no-one wanted the familiar, I guess I’ stuck with it.
- In the evening, sarge assembled us in the main tent where we were to discuss biker-tactics. After hours of debating, arguing, countless feet being stamped and fists being hammered onto the table in rage, we finally agreed on a strategy: the good old “Charge!!!”

Day 1, week 5
- Had nothing to do, so I went with brother Furiax to the killing-grounds, to test our mettle against the good old beastman horde. Dispite our fearless fighting, me even managing a Double-Decap without trying to, we were outnumbered and quickly surrounded. But fortunately, some last-minute help in the form of the berzerker-squad arrived, and they quickly turned the place into a fountain of blood.
- Used the rest of the afternoon trying to get all the beastman-blood off my armour. Later, I went to the mess to try out today’s special, “Rotting corpse.” (Plague marines had mess-duty today) It tasted kinda out of date.

Day 2, week 5
- Borrowed the latest copy of “Universe at War” from brother Vulkus, and read interesting article on combat-bikes. Got some really cool ideas for my future “metal steed” (that’s what us pros call our bikes), and I’m definately gonna try out the flame-pattern.
- Later today, the list of Crusade-squads was hung up. It turned out that two thirds of our company, including the guv himself, have enlisted into his majesty Abaddon’s crusade. Noted down names of all the squads joining: Squad Estragor (Raptors, lead by the guv himself), Squad Dharkos (Possessed), Squad Zerus (Havocs), Squad Sargoth (That’s us! Bikers, of course), Squad Traghius (Plague marines) and Squad Mhorkorus (Berzerkers). Also, we’re committing a Rhino APC and the Land Raider “Eternal Hatred” to serve in Abaddon’s forces.
- Went to Arzhar’s tent in the evening. He’s not been put in any of the squads, it turned out, but is being taken along with some other (weirdo) marines to be used as auxilliaries. Had a long chat with him, mostly about violence and the meaning of death. Noticed before I left that it looks like a pair of rabbit-ears are appearing on his head.

Day 3, week 5
- The day started with us talking about the World Eaters at the mess. When we came to the fact that they have no recorded home-world, brother Hades found a good reason why: “They ate it.” Stupidity-execution carried out by the guv, who hates stupid people (and doesn’t like bad jokes either.) Only minutes later, brother Unghor foolishly asked out loud: “If Slaanesh is the god of sex, why is it Tzeentch who’s got a thousand sons?” It resulted in the guv having killed two of his own men for being stupid before breakfast was over.
- Checked the mail, and found a flyer with “Join the BDA” displayed on the front. After reading through it, I found out that it wasn’t anyhting for me. (A Chaos marine joining “Blood-Drinkers Anonymous”? I don’t think so.)
- In the evening, the (slightly delayed) party to celebrate our return was held. (We were captured aboard a space hulk, remember?) We all had a jolly good time, but soon a pack of daemons invited themselves to the party. Before night was over, a drunken Plaguebearer had vomited on Brother Fratius (killing him), a swarm of Nurglings got the Land Raider going and drove away with it, and three of our men were possessed by daemons. It all came to a finale when a enormous Great Unclean One materialized in the pub, squashing several marines and cultists to death upon it’s arrival. (Note: Nurgloid daemons are very annoying. Remeber NOT to get possessed by one!)

Day 4, week 5
- Awoke face down in a puddle of slime behind the bar. Got up just in time to get out of the pub before it was demolished. Apparently, it was fully trashed inside, and so full of slime from the daemons that dropped in last night, that the guv saw no reason in keeping it standing. Instead, he is planning to erect a Chaos monolith in it’s place.
- Our squad was called to search for the Land Raider which was hijacked by the Nurglings last night. We eventually found it half-buried by sand in the desert-region of the planet. It was littered with dead Nurglings, dryed up and shrivelled, who obviously couldn’t cope with the heat. Brother Furiax insisted riding back to base on top of the tank, but it almost cost him his life; When we returned his lungs were half-filled with sand, and he was twice as heavy to carry because of the amount of sand inside his armour.
- Used the rest of the afternoon sharing thoughts about war with the familiar.

Day 5, week 5

Day 6
- Finally found my diary! Who on earth put it under my bed? Thanks to whoever it was, I didn’t get to write anything in it yesterday.
- Had a talk with Arzhar (who by the way has got a pair of rabbit-ears now, just as I predicted.) He says he’s going to be grouped with the possessed once we join the Black Crusade, even though there isn’t a daemon in him (yet). Had a glass of vintage boozed-up blood (slightly coagulated, but that’s how it’s supposed to be, apparently) and talked about how the Crusade’s gonna be like. Promised we’d meet again before we leave.

Day 7, week 5
- Spent the day making huge posters and banner reading: “Warmaster, command us!” and “Welcome, Your Highness!” They were all spread out on the camp-grounds facing upwards. Brother Grax dug a deep hole in the ground and covered it with a huge sheet, on which he had written “Land here!” It was just intended as a joke, of course. However, the guv quickly found out (the hard way), and Grax was shackled, gagged and blindfolded and thrown in the pit immeditaly. However, he was not buried alive. Instead, the guv simply covered the pit again with the same sheet. (Talk about digging your own grave...)
- We all wrote our wills in the mess. Decided that if I die, sarge can keep all my stuff. (Note: Remeber to make sure brother Tryvus doesn’t survive the crusade, since he’s put me up for his antique pre-heresy bolter if he dies.)
- Couldn’t sleep, lay awake thinking about the crusade.

What will Abaddon be like?
How long before I get my bike?
How many planets will we burn?
Will I be dead before we return?

Coming soon! “A Chaos Space Marine’s Diary: The Black Crusade”

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:52:14 PM
This is part 2, "the Black Crusade". Watch out, though, as some parts of it were made less jokes and more fluff by the author.

"A Chaos Space Marine's Diary: The Black Crusade"

Day 1, week 6
1 Awoke from sarge bellowing orders to everyone. Apparently, his majesty Abaddon's fleet is due here tomorrow, and today was our last chance to do whatever we want to before we're off to burn the galaxy. Having spent yesterday wisely, packing all my stuff and all that, I walked around camp all day. Arzhar was busy packing his gear, having some problems carrying it all with his new crab's claw. Arturion, my bloodthirsty berzerking friend, was busy arguing with his sergeant. Apparently, their squad consisted of nine marines, while Khorne's sacred number is eight. Not suprisingly, a member of the squad was removed (or at least his head was).
2 Payed a visit to the pit of slime, where the cultists and marines of Nurgle were busy gathering up their stuff. Watched them filling bags, bottles and buckets full with slime, and taking them to the landing-site. Obviously, they intend to "make themselves at home" in one of the ships. Their Champion, Traghius, offered me a final chance to join their squad, which I declined, although I don't think he bought my excuse. ("Green just isn't my colour...")
3 Again, couldn't sleep because of the big day tomorrow.

Day 2, week 6
3 Suprised to wake up late and find that the fleet hadn't arrived yet. Everyone was so tence and excited, the landing site was crammed with marines and cultists alike. The Sorcerer was restlessly dipping his mind in and out of the warp, checking for any signs of the fleet arriving. The berzerkers were fighting amongst each other (friendly at first, but it ended with a bloody chainsword and a severed arm), the Plague marines were dozing in a huge puddle of slime, and the Slaaneshi were doing things a bit too rude to describe here.
4 About mid-day, a marine from Squad Zerus was executed by the guv for thinking that the Death Guard's pre-heresy name was the Life Guard. ("I mean, it makes sence, doesn't it...? What? The Guv?! Where?!!") Thankfully, the guv was so busy with this that he never heard brother Xathras claim that there is a successor chapter of the Iron Hands called the Iron Feet.
5 Then finally, just as the second sun was about to set, gigantic black ships of the Black Legion fleet went into orbit around the planet. Huge transport-ships descended from the sky, and landed somewhere on the horison. Everyone was so disappointed that they hand't landed where we had put out the signs, except perhaps brother Grax, who was still stuck in his pit, and the immature brother Draegon, who had written a poem and drawn a picture of Abaddon.
6 Upon arriving at the ships, our squads grouped up, and boarded the ships. We were all told that the main fleet had moved on to the next system, and that we would catch up with it sometime tomorrow. Unfortunately, all the squads except the guv and his Raptors had been crammed into one ship, and there was only one huge room that we all had to share. Dumped my stuff in a corner and then went and did nothing with the rest of the lads. This was kinda fun for a while, but we stopped doing it after a while since we didn't want to take all the fun out of it at once.

Day 3, week 6
7 Last night was the worst night ever! Firstly, there was an incredibly strong stink of corruption and decay oozing from those damned Plague marines (Okey, I know we're ALL damned, LITTERALLY, but you get my meaning). And through the night I was awoken several times by berzerkers cying "Blood for the Blood God!" in their sleep. One of them had even lashed out with his weapon while asleep, and in the morning I awoke in a puddle of blood next to a dead marine with a chain-axe dug into his chest.
8 In the guv's abscence, we all had a merry time shouting out our best (and worst) jokes. I don't know how many times I heard the words "World Munchers", "Emperor's Grandchildren", "Thousand Daughters" and "Day Lords." In the end, an execution was carried out by the sorcerer, who (it turned out) also has the right to execute, and who happened to be aboard our ship. He could have told us that he was present before brother Ixius shouted that thing about the sorcerer having lost his mind in the warp.
9 By mid-day, we had all had enough of the ship. The Tzeentchians were saying to each other: "We need a change of settings", the Nurgloids were muttering: "We'll never find that main fleet, there's no hope for us", the Slaaneshi were saying: "Let's enjoy it while it lasts", and the Khornates occasionally shouted "Blood for you-know-who!"
10 But suddenly, the sorcerer shouted out: "We are now approaching the main Black Crusade fleet, please fasten your backpacks and put out your cigarettes and the raging fire in you souls. Boarding will commence in a few minutes." Minutes later came a large "clank!" from the ship, and before we had time to say "What the warp is going on?", the main doors to our ship opened. Beyond was a vast hangar full of shuttles, fighters, recon-craft and assault-boats.
11 After exiting the dreaded transport ship in an organised fashion (well, not THAT organised, we're Chaos after all), we were immediatly formed into ranks and adressed by some bigwig Exhalted Champion. Apparently, we were now aboard the ship "Immeasurable Rage", and we had arrived just in time for his majesty Abaddon's big speech. We watched it live from his battle barge on a big screen in the hangar, together with two other companies of marines.

"Honourable and not that honourable marines! Today our conquest of the galaxy officially begins.
Today is the day when the Imperium will once again hear the might of the Warp approaching, like herd of mutant elephants, the day when they will feel the black and slimy talon of darkness reaching out from the depths.
We shall once again sow terror in the hearts of the mortals, we shall once again be the ones who fan the embers of heresy into outright rebellion.
This time, they will not stop us, for the shadow of Chaos cannot be stopped. It will always be there, watching humanity from without, like a camouflaged moth on a tree, and corrupting humanity from within, just like boozed-up blood does when you're drunk.
Alone and divided we will not have much hope of defeating the imperium, for they are many, and we are... not that many. But when the legions of despair, the chosen of darkness stand together, we are probably unstoppable.
And sitting on his golden butt with wires and pipes sticking out from every part of his body, the phoney emperor knows this. He thinks he has seen the gods at the peak of their powers, and knows that they are strong, too strong. But the beast of Chaos has not truly awoken from it's slumber, and when it does, it's powers will be beyond metric measure!"

1 At this point, I stopped paying attention and instead stood watching the hottest Keeper of Secrets I have ever seen in my life, which was hovering half-visible above the ranks of marines, in a cloud of sparkling smoke. By the time it had vanished, his majesty's speech was finished, and there came a deafening roar followed by loud chanting from all the other marines. I joined in, of course, although I wasn't quite sure what we were chanting. In lack of imagination, I chanted "Rights for Squats!" (Popular chant these days) Fortunately, nobody seemed to notice.
2 At the end of a long day, we were split up and sorted into different companies, so some of our squads were transfered to different ships. Squad Mhorkorus, the berzerkers, were teleported aboard the "Everlasting Fury", a ship under command of one Lord Xenofexius, champion of Khorne. The Plague marines of Squad Traghius also departed, to form the Honour Guard (read: Odour Guard) of a Nurgloid champion known only as Infectius. And as for the guv, he and his squad of Raptors also left the ship, destined to become part of his majesty Abaddon's 1st Company.
3 Finally, after a long day featuring a lot of waiting for orders, we were given cabin-keys. My cabin-mate turned out to be brother Furiax, a good friend (or "Battle Companion"; Chaos marines aren't supposed to have friends, apparently.)

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:53:26 PM
Day 4, week 6
3 Almost overslept on my first day in the crusade, as I was too fast asleep to hear sarge banging on the door with a powerfist (I didn't wake up before he accidentaly smashed the fist THROUGH the door and knocked the already-awake brother Furiax back to sleep.)
4 Went to the main hall for a first day briefing and orientation together with the rest of the company. We were all glad to hear that we would get our bikes today, and after the Exhalted Champion Astralax had babbled uninteresting nonsence for what seemed like a few weeks (time flows differently in the warp), our squad were teleported aboard the fleet's supply ship.
5 Once there, we entered the large storage-rooms, and made our way through mountains of crates, forests of chains and oceans of nuts and bolts, and finally found all the crusade's bikes lined up neatly in a (long) row. We all picked out a bike each. I chose a newly captured imperial model, featuring the newest twin bolters and a neat skull-motif, which I chose not to remove. When everyone was satisfied, we got on our metal steeds and drove back to the teleport area. Only one of us managed to reach the destination without crashing or falling off: the multi-talented (and proud of it) brother Jaeger. Personally, I managed to drive full speed straight inside an open Land Raider, which hadn't been so bad if there wasn't already a squad of big and spiky terminators inside. Brother Furiax tried to do a wheelie, but he managed only to get thrown to the floor and getting knocked unconscious. His bike continued across the room, and a marine from another squad got his helmet-hair entangled in the bike's front wheel. His head was twisted around several times before anyone came to the rescue, but fortunately the marine was daemon-possessed and didn't feel a thing. Brother Halus, on the other hand, crashed into a crate of missiles, and it ended with explosive results. And to make matters worse, the near-dead Halus couldn't receive any treatment for his wounds, since the fleet's only sick-bay has been taken over by Fabius Bile. Brother Halus became our squad's first casualty of the crusade.
6 When we arrived back on the "Immeasurable Rage", we were given some important messages from Exhalted Champion Astralax. Tomorrow, biker-newbies are going to train their skills on some barren desert-planet. And the day after tomorrow, we're going on our first raid!

Day 5, week 6
7 Landed on the desert-planet early in the morning, to begin practising on bikes immediatly. The huge open space really gave us all the room we wanted, and we quickly sped off in different directions. After three hours of practise and five hours of trying to find the rendezvous-point, our squad was back at the landing-site. Only one casualty, brother Bravius had apparently fallen into a huge pit with teeth, somewhere in the great ocean of sand. That leaves our squad reduced to eight marines before we've seen any real action.
8 Later, we received full briefing of tomorrow's mission. Tomorrow, the fleet will be divided into smaller groups of ships, although his majesty Abaddon usually prefers his stuff to be "undivided". Anyway, our company's fast attack units have been selected to aid the Iron Warriors 11th Grand Company in assaulting the planet Selectius VII (We didn't like this alliance one bit, but according to Lord Astralax: "...in a Black Crusade, you've got to be prepared for situations like this, blah blah blah...") We all left the briefing in a bad mood, although I guess we're going to Selectius tomorrow no matter how much we hate the Iron Warriors.

Day 6, week 6
9 Started the day with a last minute briefing with sarge, who had been told the battle-plans by the Warsmith of the Iron Warriors. Fortunately, it's a fairly straightforward plan. Unfortunately, the plan consists of our squad driving full speed into an imperial-held trench-complex, where we according to plan are supposed to: "deal as much damage as possible, and stay clear of incoming Iron Warriors artillery-fire." And of course, the always annoying last message: "Expect Imperial Space Marine resistance." Shortly after the meeting, we all went and wrote "Despair!" on our armour. (Note: In case you wondered, this commonly displayed word has nothing to do with the end of the universe. Those who display it on their armour have simply been given hopeless missions.)

Selectius VII
At 0900 hours, local time, we descended on the planet Selectius VII. From the second we entered low orbit, our ships took heavy fire. Last minute orders and prayers to the dark ones filled the comm-system, and the first-glance terrain analyses were given to our squad. The words we heard had undoubtably been picked straight from the first page of the book "What a biker doesn't want to hear". The senctence "Bumpy, wet and muddy" stuck to our minds like leeches, sucking out every last drop of courage and hope.
The second after the door of our transport opened, like the maw of an nightmarish beast, we embarked with the deafening roar of deamonic engines. Squeezing triggers and spraying forth bullets as if our lives depended on it (which wasn't far from the truth), Squad Sargoth raced ahead into the foggy no-man's land. In our wake followed black-painted personel-carriers and the armoured giants of our Land Raiders.
We sped across the hellish half-swamp, our coloured tails of helmet-hair flowing in the wind, bullets, lasers and rockets coming straight at us and whining past our heads, providing us with a much-appreciated adrenaline kick.
As my bike skidded into a ditch and a bolter-shell strafed my shoulderplate, the bike ahead of me exploded, the colossal blast shaking the ground like the stride of a titan. Like a blossoming flower of fire, the explosion lit up it's surroundings, and I was blinded by it's white core. Infernal heat made my sweat pour, and cowering behind my bike like a beetle under a rock, I shouted through my comm-link "Taking heavy fire!"
A series of shouts, roars, screams and battlecries filled my ears as I reached for my trusted bolt pistol, acnowledging the fact that my metal steed could carry me no further. I lept forth from cover, and with the angry scream of a bolt-pistol firing, I emptied a magazine of bullets into the darkness ahead of me.
The fog of war was thick as a warp-storm, and my surroundings blacker than my soul. But undaunted, I strode forth with fiendish bravery, and gunned down a pitiful mortal before he had time to shout for help. The roaring noise of explosions was all around, and the booming pulse of bolter-fire filled the air. Another hapless target presented itself, a wounded imperial soldier striving to reload his weapon. A merciless slash of my sword ended his suffering, and I advanced through the war-zone, my eyes scanning the visible terrain for another victim; Another victim to be sacrificed to the ever-increasing might of Chaos! Muhahahaha, I love this job!!
Soon, the unmistakeable sound of incoming artillery-fire drowned the other noises of battle. The ground shook as explosive shells impacted amongst us, blowing men and machines to bits, and sending debris and severed limbs flying. The blasts blew us off our feet, and ear-shattering bangs made men scream in pain. Total havoc, absolute chaos, survival instinct was the only thing that controlled us. Men fought each other for the little cover available, and all sence of martial honour and bravery was forgotten as death rained upon us from above.
Sudden heavy-bolter fire could be heard nearby, and I was punched off my feet as a speeding shell hit me in the side, sending me to the ground in indescribable pain. As warriors clashed all around me, shouting war-cries and entering the fray suicidally, and I slowly sank into the mud, and my vision faded...

Day 7, week 6
10 Found myself lying bandaged in my bed when I woke up, with brother Furiax leaning over me. He told me that our mission yesterday had gone EXACTLY as we had predicted: Impossible terrain for biking, heavily outnumbered in enemy territory, and the Iron Warriors fire-support made things just as bad for us as for the imperials. Fortunately, most of the friendly casualties had been from squad Dravius, the other biker squad that had joined us in the assault. Squad Sargoth had taken only two casualties, brothers Vulkus and Rhengar.
11 Spent most of the day recovering from my injury, and discussing yesterday's mission with the lads. At least Vulkus and Rhengar didn't die in vain, as I learned that the forces of Chaos had won the battle yesterday, and already enslaved the entire planet's population. But although the Iron Warriors received all the honour for the victory, their Warsmith simply replied: "About time!"
12 For fun, our squad went to the Word Bearers' victory-party, celebrating that they had converted two entire planets to our religion in only one day. The party offered a lot of drunken praying, an unholy amount of wall-to-wall vomiting, and of course the Word Bearers sang their favourite drinking-song (as fast as they could): "How many words could a Word Bearer bear, if a Word Bearer could bear words?"

Day 1, week 7
13 Woke up without my armour, lying on my back on the Word Bearers' Altar of Sacrifice which I vaguely remeber from last night. After regrouping with the rest of the lads and removing a large dagger from my chest (it had only pierced one heart, fortunately), we left the Word Bearers ship "Lorgars Hand of Fire", and returned to our quarters on the Immeasurable Rage.
14 I received treatment for my wound, and I thoroughly regret my drunken descision last night (Being sacrificed to the dark gods WASN'T a blast after all...) But the Word Bearers have ten thousand years of experience when it comes to sacrificing stuff (especially marines), so how they managed NOT to kill me remains a mystery.
15 Later, Lord Astralax gave us the weekly crusade update. Tragically, almost the entire squad Varrus has been KIA (Killed In Action), and most of squad Mhorkorus has been SIA (Slaughtered in Action). I'm crossing my fingers (and the tentacle equivalent) that brother Arturion of squad Mhorkorus survived.
More unhappy news: the Nurgle champion Infectius has left the crusade without permission, to search for the Plague Planet. Under his command were numerous Plague marine-squads, including my mates in squad Traghius. I'm really dissapointed that Traghius and his lads have left us, and besides, it's not like Nurgloids to do things like that, since they usually hate all kinds of change.
There was more news. Apparently, the Alphans were inches from defeat on Framork III. After the main battle-plan and four backup-plans had failed, their 5th backup consisted of calling for support from the Iron Warriors 9th Grand Company. The Iron Warriors commenced using their standard tactic, and almost fifty Alpha warriors, two bike-squads, three Rhinos and commander Hydraxus were accidentaly annihilated by their orbital bombardment. With the Alphans dead, the orks claimed victory, as the Iron Warriors were short on bombs, and ran out before the entire planet had been scorched.

Day 2, week 7
16 Early today, we were all told that the imperials have started offering some real resistance, and apparently, they plan on taking the fight to us. An anti-Chaos crusade has been formed from several chapters of Space Marines. These chapters have been selected to not only defend planets we attack, but also to be on the offensive, attacking the Black Crusade fleet. According to our sorcerer, a small number of space marine assault-squadrons are already pursuing us, which is bad news for our ship since it's trailing at the very end of the fleet.
17 Most of the day was spent learning how to control our ship's turrets, how to fight in deep space, and some of us were selected to learn piloting skills, so our assault-boats can provide some resistance when the imperials arrive.
18 After a few hours of the assault-boats racing each other round and round the ship, while the turret-operators practised their marksmanship by trying to hit us, we were back in the hangar bay. Squad Rhazior challenged us to a friendly game of Blood Hockey in a nearby asteroid-field, so we got back aboard the ships and headed for the asteroid selected for the game. The game was a good one (we won), though much fun is taken from a Blood Hockey game if it isn't played with the full rules. The game really helped us ease up a bit, taking our minds away from the possible imperial attack on our fleet.

Day 3, week 7

1 Today, our squad agreed to do our part of keeping Blood Hockey a popular game for millennia to come. We decided on trying to preserve the rules by writing them down and putting them in a so-called "time capsule". We all wrote down one part of the game each, and my task was to make a note of weapons commonly used in "Friendly-games", like the one we played yesterday. Too bad it had to take up space in my dreaded diary, but here it is anyway:

1 One-handed mace: Useful for knocking out players without severing limbs or creating bloody wounds.
2 Knife: Light, frequently double-bladed, handy for stabbing your way out a crowd of players. In friendly-games, the blades are usually shortened, so they can't penetrate dangerously deep into an opposing player. However, the knife's major function is that it can be poisoned. Liquids that can (temporarily) make a wounded player weak, blind, hallucinate or go insane are popular.
3 Cattle-prod: Electrically-charged device which inflicts a mild electro-shock when in contact with a player. Good for making a player lose his concentration, excellent when aimed at players' weak spots.
4 Grappling-device: Launches a hook with a piece of rope attached to it. Incredibly handy for pulling players to the ground, making players trip, and if wielded with expert skill, snatching the skull from enemy players.
5 Net: As simple as it sounds. For better results, the net can be dipped in tar or glue before a game.
6 Small creature: Some players bring a lucky creature with them onto the pitch. Varying from familiars and Nurglings to baby goblins and giant spiders, a creature can prove very effective if trained to perform useful tasks on the pitch. And if it doesn't obey, throwing it in the faces of opposing players or holding it's tail and swinging it around like a flail works too.
7 On worlds where the devices and weapons above are hard to come by, all manners of crude devices are used: Rakes, spades, hammers, saws, slings, handfulls of sand, rocks, sticks, and if nothing else presents itself: bare fists and fingers with sharp nails.

7 After writing it all down and placing a copy aboard a space-coffin which we shot into space, we decided to pay a visit to the Emperor's Children. We had heard that yesterday they suffered terrible losses during the easiest of missions, thanks that pesky Legion of the Damned. You can be sure that when victory is in sight, those black-armoured bastards will show up in their usual fashion and "save the day." We jumped aboard a transport and headed for the Slaaneshi ship.
8 We arrived on board the ship to the strangest of sounds. Lying about in the hangar, we found a small group of Noise Marines, who were jamming half-heartedly with their sonic-weapons while they smoked at least three joints each. Those who didn't wear helmets looked like hell, drooling and staring into the air with their empty eyes. (Note: Don't ever have a speaker operated into your mouth. It looks really unconfortable!)
9 We continued into the ship and found the corridors and halls littered with Slaaneshi marines and cultists, lying about just like the Noise Marines. Many of them were wired up to the drug-outlets in the wall. They babbled nonsence and sighed with satisfaction, cuddling together in heaps, the cultists caringly polishing the armour of the marines while they wispered sweet lines of decadence into their ears. The walls were covered in multicoloured grafitti, displaying rude pictures as well as beautiful landscapes from the most idyllic daemon-worlds.
10 We finally found the officer in charge, a newly appointed Chaos Lord (or Drug Lord, as Slaaneshis prefer to be called) who told us that yesterday their inspirational and much loved former leader had been killed, and very few had survived the ambush of the black marines. We soon left the depressed Emperor's Children, since they proved no fun when all they wanted to do was die high.

Day 4, week 7
1 A massive fight broke out in the mess this morning. We were eating breakfast with squad Rhazior when sarge and sergeant Rhazior got annoyed with each other for some forgotten reason. Rhazior punched sarge in the face with his powerfist, and soon we were all fighting. During the early stages of the fight, two speeding bullets bound for my head somehow hit each other in mid air, both getting knocked out of course and killing two marines from Squad Rhazior instead! (Can it have had anything to do with my extra prayer to Tzeentch last night?) Anyway, I was the great hero of the battle, single-handedly rescuing brother Fermicus from the clutches of squad Rhazior, who had fortified themselves in the kitchen. My combat-skills with the saucepan became legendary today, since only a few marines had brought along their weapons to breakfast, and I wasn't one of them. (We haven't had to bring weapons to breakfast since that time back on Ytholgar, when the chef served Nurgling-stew without killing the Nurglings first.)
2 Spent the rest of the day cleaning up the mess in the mess after the fight. I KNEW brother Fermicus had gone too far when he fired a missile into the kitchen to avenge being held hostage by squad Rhazior. And trying to breach the kitchen-wall by catapulting the huge stewpan at it wasn't the brightest of ideas either. And we all thoroughly regretted igniting the oven-gas, since the resulting flame-blast had ruined the oven and burnt a week's worth of food. Squad Rhazior were sent down to a nearby planet to get more water, since they had used up all the water by boiling it and hurling it out the kitchen-door at us during the fight. And they were also given the responsibility to replace the mess-tables which had been used as barricades, the meat-steaks which had been used as clubs, and of course the kitchen crew, who they had used as gun-fodder during our first assault.
3 Later, brother Xathras and I went around the ship looking for fun. We found a teleport-homer in the hangar, and Xathras "over-focused it's proximity-level" (Don't ask me what that means, but it sounded cool.). Then we managed to hide the homer inside the Dreadnought "Blackwound".

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:54:33 PM
Day 5, week 7
3 Awoke to some shattering news. Apparently, during a Deep Strike mission last night, our company's entire squad of Terminators had been killed, and we'd also lost a Dreadnought! It was really a freak accident: All the terminators had materialised INSIDE the Dreadnought when teleporting down to the planet-surface. Xathras tried to assure me that what we had done with the teleport-homer and the Dreadnought yesterday had nothing to do with the accident. But I don't really care, since a vital part of being a Chaos marine is to not care about anything!
4 More bad news, perhaps even worse than the first. Brother Jaeger from our squad had the most terrible nightmares last night. He witnessed the death of our beloved Warmaster at the hands of the false Emperor. You see, deeply ingrained within our Black Legion' gene-seed is the encoded experience of Horus, and many say that most deeply imprinted of all is the memory of his final battle with the Emperor. Sometimes an event or circumstance will trigger this memory. This appears to happen only rarely, often on the eve of battle, and it is likely to be a fatal experience for the warrior whose mind is suddenly wrenched into the distant past. What has become known as the Black Hatred overcomes him, the memories and consciousness of Horus intrude upon his mind, and dire events ten thousand years old flood into the present. This we know to be true. To others, a Chaos Space Marine overcome by the Black Hatred appears half mad with fury: he is unable to distinguish past from present, and does not recognise his comrades. He may believe he is Horus upon the eve of his destruction, and that the bloody battles of the Horus Heresy are raging around him. As well as Horus's memories, the Chaos Space Marine is touched with a small portion of the Warmaster's unearthly power, boosting the warrior's already prodigious strength and vitality to superhuman levels. Those Chaos marines who suffer this condition are formed into units known as the "Eyes of Horus." That's where we'll find brother Jaeger from now on. I THINK the imperials have an equivalent of our "Eyes of Horus."
5 Later, Sarge showed us a ten thousand years old picture the Guv, the only guy we know who's been around since the days before the Heresy. Can you believe that GREY was our fashion in those days? It makes ya think...

Day 6, week 7
1 This morning, by sheer coincidence, I bumped into brother Arzhar. He's joined squad Dharkos, the possessed, and is having one hell of a time scaring the ***** out of the enemies they face. And if a creature like Arzhar comes running towards you, you'll either wet yourself with fear or fall to the ground laughing. Either way, Arzhar will have the advantage. Also, he's been gifted more goodies from the gods, including the arm of a praying mantis, the backside of an elephant and some monkey's ears. He introduced me to his squad, basically a bunch of crazy daemons using dead marine bodies as vehicles to move about in the material universe. Charming.
2 Felt like doing something evil (it's perfectly natural for a Chaos marine), so brother Xathras and I teleported from ship to ship, telling all the other legions how our genius of a primarch had corrupted their primarches. You should have seen the look on the Iron Warriors warsmith when we told him that it was Horus, not the Emperor, who had been giving the Iron Warriors all those hopeless missions in the days before the heresy. It was priceless! However, our fun was cut short when the Word Bearers proudly announced that they had turned to Chaos before Horus did. But then we went to the Night Lords and reminded them that their primarch was killed by a puny female imperial assassin. Finally, we dropped by an Alpha Legion ship. Annoyingly enough, we couldn't find any flaws to make fun of, but shouting "Alpharius was a fool!" (even without anything to back it) conjured up the reaction we were looking for. Perhaps we hit a nerve...
3 Later in the evening, just before we were about to retreat to our quarters for the night, came the devastating news. Lord Astralax came to our squad and delivered us the message. Squad Sargoth is in danger of being disbanded! According to Astralax, there have been so many complaints against our squad that his majesty Abaddon feels he has no choice but to get rid of us. Fortunately, Astralax managed to convince Abaddon to give us one last chance, which we'll really have to take, since there was no shortage of reaons why we are the legion's major liability. Firstly, there was our tendency to party wildly, not take our religion seriously, slaughter other squads in blood-hockey matches, not listen to orders being given, oversleep in the morning, download nude pics of N'Kari and other Slaaneshis on the ship's main computer, all those things. And then there was the battle in the mess, our terrible bike-skills, our squad's general disrespect to anyone except sarge, and last but not least the Dreadnought incident, which we are sure to be executed for if they ever find out who was responsible for it. Oh, and many members of other legions had complained about the little bit of fun we had earlier today, when we had run around taunting them.

Day 7, week 7
1 Today, we were visited by a group of die-hard Nurgloids. Their Champion had newly been given the legs of a fly. Imagine trying to walk about on those thin little legs when you're eight feet tall and wearing power-armour... Well, at least he can hang from the ceiling, and I guess it could be worse. One time back in camp I heard a story of a Slaaneshi Champion who was given a most unusual gift by his patron god. All his body-parts became erogenous. Whether this was meant to be advantageous or not, we will never know...
2 Later, we all teleported aboard the supply-ship which was passing through the fleet en route to the Eye. The ship was carrying all kinds of junk. Before we departed from it, I had got hold of a collection of Waystones, a shrunken ork-head, two kegs of some kind of drink, and Angron's autograph signed in blood (probably a fake, since I doubt Angron really spells his name with a smiley at the end:). Furiax found a fake "Forgebreaker"-hammer, a pint of old combat-drugs, a humourous parody of the Codex Astartes, and a crappy old weapon with "Mjalnar" engraved into it's rusty blade. We also got our hands on an old map, quite fortunate, since we couldn't get hold of any toilet paper! And who's looking for the location of a so-called "Black Library", anyway?
3 Later in the evening, our ship was almost hit by a two-tailed comet! We watched it zoom past our window and impact on a nearby planet. We were originally scheduled to virus-bomb that planet for fun, but Lord Astralax assumed that the comet had probably already caused some serious destruction. And when a comet impacts on a planet, it's gonna destroy a little more than just a single town. Trust me.

Day 1, week 8
1 Today, we woke up to find that the Tzeentchian cultists aboard the ship had been quite busy during the night. Driven by their need for constant change, they had been re-furnished every room, re-painted many of the walls, and done an impressive cleaning-job: All the filth and snot and slime which used to lie around was gone! Unable to do much, the unimpressed Nurgloids settled for "Okay, as long as it stays this way forever." After all, they couldn't just CHANGE everything back to how it used to be, cause Nurgle hates change! So narrow-minded, those gods...
2 After quite a dramatic start to the day (We still can't find where the Tzeentchians have put our backpacks!), everything was ready for the annual Daemon Festival! With the combined effort of several Sorcerers, a small warp-gate was opened right inside the hangar of our ship, and daemons poured fouth from the depths of the Realm of Chaos. All kinds of games and activities were organised by a Daemon Prince, and we all had a hell of a time. Brother Furiax and I competed in a game of "Squash the Nurgling", where the aim of the game is to squeeze the biggest amount of pus and slime out of a Nurgling. Even though Furiax's nurgling was twice as bloated as mine, I easily won thanks to my tentacle-arm, which I wrapped round the little sucker and squeezed until every drop of slime was in the measuring-bucket. (Afterwards, I made a hat out of the empty Nurgling, which I gave to Furiax.) Later, we went to watch Sarge try a round of "Jugger-riding", which is as simple as it sounds. It's a rodeo-style game, except in this case your goal isn't simply to stay on the creature's back, but also to stay alive. Anyway, Sarge lasted for ten seconds, which was the new record, and so his life was spared. I really wanted to try out my skills at "Disc-surfing", but one had to be a member of the Cult of Tzeentch in order to participate. So instead I went to arm-wrestle a Horror, followed by a trip over to the Fleshound-racing, where I won ten quid on Hound number 8. Then we watched an intense duel between Sarge and a Bloodletter. Sarge was just about to have his head chopped off when the Bloodletter was suddenly needed for a large Daemon-battle in the Realm of Chaos, and had to leave at once. Finally, I went and had a go at the always-popular game "Spank the Daemonette". The fun ended when the warp-gate closed (those damned Sorcerers, can't even hold a warp gate open for a day without dying of mind-boiling!) and all the daemons returned to the warp.

Day 2, week 8
2 As always on the day after the Daemon Festival, the annual Chaos-awards were dished out. The first prize for "Most entertaining individual" went to Khornate Lord Xenofexius, for his stunning skill and feriocity with his one-handed great-axe. He was quoted saying "I like to make an entrance, also into the fray!" and also "Blood for the Blood God!" Second prize went to Hasmodion, Sorcerer Lord of Tzeentch, for his spectacular pre-battle pyrotechics-performances. Third place was awarded to the Slaaneshi Daemonette who used her belly-dancing/butt-shaking performance to spellbind an entire Imperial Guard regiment, before a force of Iron Hands landed on the planet. They weren't quite as impressed. Although the daemonette was banished back to the warp, rumours say she can return to the mortal realm whenever, wherever...
Other awards were:
Most entertaining legion: Emperor's Children (War, drugs and musical entertainment together in one)
Most boring legion: Iron Warriors (Trenches and ranged warfare, anyone?)
Least read book: "Whistle while you work", a documentary on the psychological effects of long-term trench-digging, by Warsmith Potassius.
Most entertaining battle: Death Guard vs Space Wolves on Vindobona III. The Plague marines carried rabies...
Second most entertaining battle: Night Lords vs Iron Hands on Kretius V. The Night Lords triggered an electromagnetic pulse, which rendered every cybernetic limb on the battlefield useless. Night Lords causalties 0%, Iron Hands casualties 100%.
Most sought-after item (for the 10000th year in a row, apparently): The other Talon of Horus
Biggest TV-event: Servitor-paralympics on Mars
Most "FUBAR" individual: Brother Arzhar of squad Dharkos (Yay, I know a celebrity!)
Most frequently used last words: "I die for the dark gods!", "I return to the Eye!", "Avenge me!," and of course "I promise it won't happen again, Abaddon!"

Day 3, week 8
3 Heard from some marines from the 1st company that Abaddon does combat-drugs. Some role model... He'll probably end up dead in a bath-tub like they all do...
4 Our old guv, Estragor, has been to the Realm of Chaos and seen his own death! This is usually a great honour and advantage for any Chaos Lord, but not when he witnesses his own demise is at the hand of a lucky gretchin sniper, something which *****ed him off a tad. So, apart from keeping clear of all greenskin activity, Estragor is now charging suicidally into battle all the time, with nothing to fear as long as there are no orkoids present.
5 Later, our squad gathered to dicuss why the warp we aren't seeing any action. We joined the Black Crusade expecting to get some fighting and bloodletting done, but so far our only real mission was that hopeless bike-attack ages ago. Soon we decided that we're going to go out and find ourselves a mission of our own, since none of the superiors seem to bother about assigning any tasks to us. But only one squad isn't gonna win much by itself, so before we do anything drastic we're gonna try to see whether any other squads or individuals are willing to join us.
6 The rest of the day we all spread out and searched throughout the fleet for squads willing to join us, while Sarge stayed in our quarters, trying to figure out a mission. I talked to brother Arzhar for a while, and soon I managed to convince him to come with us. I told him and his possessed friends that I would give them further notice when we've found out more.
Late in the evening, we all gathered together to share information. Apart from me having "recruited" squad Dharkos (the possessed), it turned out that several other squads or members of squads were willing to join us. The entire squad Rhazior and squad Zerus had no hesitation in teaming up with us. Sarge had spoken with a Champion of Khorne, Mhorkorus, who was also easily lead by the promise of more blood and skulls. He and the remnants of squad his squad are also with us. Brother Furiax had established understandings with a small group of Raptors who were the only Raptors not allowed to join the 1st Company, for unknown reasons. And last but not least, the warsmith of the Iron Warriors 11th Grand Company has suprisingly enough agreed to lend us some of his precious warriors. It didn't take much talking before he did, in fact, he almost INSISTED that his warriors should join us for this mission. We're expecting them to bring along some heavy weapons. The warsmith also offered to get hold of some ships for us to use.
Finally, Sarge told us the plan. The day after tomorrow, we'll rally our allies, board the ships provided by the warsmith, and head for the Ulixus system, where we shall attack a small asteroid-base containing some "information useful to the imperium but of no interest to us", as Sarge put it. Finally some action!!

Day 4, week 8
1 Today, sarge informed us that the warsmith has already gotten hold of some ships for us. They are Black Legion ships, and the warsmith has registered their use in Sarge's name, so he's got responsibility for them. Very reassuring. But also, sarge has been promoted to lieutenant, not because he has excelled in the service of Chaos, but because he's been around for ages. We'll still call him Sarge, though.
2 Our crusade is falling apart! Yesterday, an entire squad of the 3rd Company died from something called Black Legionnaire's Disease. And a few days ago, a squad of over-fanatical Word Bearers performed a ritual mass-suicide to honour the dark gods. The day before that, half a squad of Iron Warriors and hundreds of servitors died of exhaustion during the digging of a particularly long trench (their commander had grand plans of creating a battle-line spanning an entire planet.) And I've still not mentioned the force of Emperor's Children who got stuck in the warp without having packed any drugs, and all died of abstinence. Well, all except for one of them who happened to be a necrophiliac, and who had the time of his life. And of course, the number of Plague Marines is constantly decreasing, since they have an uncanny ability to drown in their own slime and pus when sleeping.
3 Tomorrow, we go into action for the first time in ages. Everything is ready for our departure. The ships are waiting in the hangar-bay, the other squads are standing by, the Iron Warriors are ready, everything is set.


Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:55:05 PM
Day 5, week 8

Warsmith Hasmodius studied the many radars, screens and small lights on the control-panel infront of him. But more importantly, his ears were keenly listening for a crucial message which should be arriving through the speaker any moment. My men can be trusted, he tried to convince himself, as he turned to face the two hideous servitors standing behind him, their eyes expressionless, their cybernetic limbs motionless. The intense sound of their mechanic lungs breathing was the only sign that the two figures were alive at all. Hasmodius looked at one of them, and with a deep booming voice he gave a command.
"Make sure my shuttle is ready. Have my veterans board their transport ship."
With series of clicks and beeps from within it's chest and head, the servitor turned around robotically and left the room, his every footstep creating a sharp clank against the hard floor, as he wobbled through the door and down the corridor.

Brother-sergeant Zerus broke the silence in the small, dark room.
"Why hasn't our warp-jump commenced yet?"
Unanswered by his black armoured comrades who sat all around, the eight foot superhuman warrior tried to get up, but the seatbelts held him firmly in his place. Frustrated and annoyed, he switched on the comm-link in his helmet. "Captain, this is Squad Zerus. What's keeping us from entering warpspace? And tell me again why we're stuck in these seats, will you?"
There was a pause. Zerus sat silently awaiting an answer, but there was no reply. Only seconds had passed before he lost his patience, and spoke into the comm-link once more.
"I repeat, this is Squad Zerus. What are we waiting for? Let's get some action, shall we?"
No sooner had Zerus finished his senctence before the door to the room opened vertically, revealing two power-armoured silhoutettes standing just outside. The two Chaos Space Marines strode in through the door, their silver armour reflecting the light from the corridor outside. Both marines held flamers.
"If you insist." said one of them coldly, before they both opened fire with their weapons.

Several minutes had passed before Warsmith Hasmodius received the message he was waiting for.
"Warsmith Hasmodius, Squad Zerus and squad Mhorkorus have been taken care of. My men are dealing with squads Rhazior and Dharkos as we speak. We're ready to open fire at the "Immeasurable Rage" at your signal, my lord."
A pleasuring wave of relief rushed through the Warsmith's tense body. He had put his trust in lieutenant Kragh, and the he had not failed to deliver. Barely controlling his fiendish excitement, Hasmodius held down a button on the control-panel, and spoke.
"Excellent, lieutenant Kragh. But what of Sargoth and his squad?"
"I will deal with them personally, my lord." came the answer from the speaker, and the Chaos Lord eagerly replied once more.
"Outstanding, lieutenant. I knew I could rely on you and your men. I'll see to it personally that you will be rewarded for you efforts. Hold your fire for a few more minutes. I will be among you shortly. Hasmodius out."
With this, he turned to face the servitor by the door. "Is my shuttle ready?"
With a monotone and soulless voice, the servitor answered.
"Yes, warsmith. Shuttle standing by for departure. Transports loaded and standing by for departure. Assault-boats armed and standing by for departure."
Before exiting the room, Hasmodius reached for his pistol, and aimed at the control panel. One blast made sure that no records of the previous conversation would ever be heard by anyone, at least not until it was too late. Another, more whimsical shot put an end to the servitor's miserable existence. Laughing cruelly, the Iron Warrior left the room, shutting the door behind him.

Lieutenant Kragh walked up to the massive door and peered through the screen, seeing the Black Legion marines stuck in their seats inside. There sat their sergeant, Sargoth, in the seat right inside the door. Kragh switched on the small mircophone by the door, and spoke to the marines inside through a speaker in the top corner of the room.
"This is lieutenant Kragh of the Iron Warriors. You've probably understood by now that things aren't going exactly according to plan. That's because warsmith Hasmodius has other plans, plans which you will not be alive to witness." Kragh smiled to himself at the thought of what was to come.
"But I can reveal to you what is going to happen shortly after your demise. In only a few minutes, every ship in our possession will open fire on the ship "Everlasting Fury" and of course your own "Immeasurable Rage".
Kragh paused for a while to let the news sink in amongst the trapped Black Legionaries. Looking through the small window, he saw the dark-armoured remain quite still. Had they heard him? Kragh continued:
"I wonder how Lord Astralax and more importantly Lord Abaddon will react when their trusted servants Sargoth, Mhorkorus, Rhazior, and Zerus suddenly open fire on their own fleet?"
Looking at the screen, Kragh noticed that the marines inside still seemed strangely calm. Not even one was trying to break free from his seat. Have the usually so hateful sons of Horus chosen simply to accept such a fate? Fighting his urge to open the door and find out, the Iron Warrior veteran spoke again through the microphone.
"It was in fact YOU who triggered this event. Had it not been for your foolish men, Sargoth, then we would never have learnt of how Horus used our primarch Perturabo to fight his worst battles for him, throwing his honourable warriors into the jaws of death whenever he had the opportunity. For this, you, Horus's own sons, will pay!" The Iron Warrior spoke with a hate-filled voice, grinding his teeth together as he thought of those dark days of the distant path, the days before the Iron Warriors legion had finally broken free from the rule of the false emperor.
"Today starts our vengeance against Abaddon and his Black Legion! And when this news reaches Perturabo, sitting atop his iron throne in the towers of Medrengard, no Son of Horus will escape our wrath! And you can do nothing to prevent it!"
Kragh laughed through the microphone as he loaded his bolt pistol. Just before opening the door, he heard the sound which he had been waiting for. The sound of the ship's cannons opening fire. And he knew the black marines heard it also. Sargoth's fate was now sealed. The Black Legion fleet knew nothing of Hasmodius's activities, and lieutenant Sargoth was responsible for every shot being fired. The Iron Warrior pushed the door-button. He loaded his pistol and took a step forward.
"And now, Sargoth, you will be the first to feel our wrath."
Kragh hadn't noticed the two empty seats inside.

Warsmith Hasmodius watched the constant hail of laser-blasts impact on the unshielded hull of the "Immeasurable Rage." Not prepared for such an unsuspected assault, the gigantic Black Legion ship was defenceless against the relentless fire. Explosions blossomed all over the colossal behemoth of a spaceship, as a radio-message arrived on the bridge of the ship where Hasmodius stood.
"Lieutenant Sargoth, do you read me? This is Lord Commander Astralax of the "Immeasurable Rage". Cease your fire immediatly!"
A broad and evil smile covered the Iron Warrior warsmith's face as he listened to the frustrated voice of the Black Legion lord. If only he knew what was really going on.
"Repeat: Lieutentant Sargoth, do you read me? Cease your fire immediatly, or you will be fired upon!"
Looking across the short distance in space, Hasmodius saw several squadrons of Swiftdeath fighters exiting the hangar-bay of the Immeasurable, to defend their crippled starship.
"Their fighters have been lauched. Make sure the the anti-fighter turrets are fully manned and operational, and get our shields up." At the warsmith's command, the crewmen and servitors on the bridge hastily rushed from one control panel to another.
"And cease fire at the "Everlasting Fury", and instead concentrate all fire on the "Immeasurable". I want that ship destroyed before we enter the warp!"
Seconds later, the radio-link sounded once more. This time, the voice was a hate-fuelled roar.
"This is Lord Commander Xenofexius of the "Everlasting Fury"! You have opened fire on my personal ship, and such an action will not go unpunished! Prepare to face the wrath of Khorne!"
Xenofexius? What could he possibly do, wondered Hasmodius. From intercepting several transmissions, Hasmodius knew that the Khornate lord's ship held no fighters and had virtually no operational turrets. Hoping that he had not overseen any flaws in his plan, the Iron Warrior looked anxiously across the control-panel, checking the radar for signs of any unwelcome visitors.

With a loud bang, Lieutenant Kragh was slammed into the wall with such force that his left shoulderplate almost splintered. He fell to the floor, but although his helmeted head was knocked hard against the solid metal surface, the Iron Warrior tried desperately to reach his bolt pistol which he had dropped to the floor. But he reacted far too slow. The next second, a huge and heavy armoured boot landed heavily on his stomach, making the Chaos Marine loose his breath. The boot thumped down again and again, and before Kragh had time to roll over, a sword was mercilessly stabbed into his torso from above. The blade found it's way between two armour-plates, while a slimy tentacle slithered around the Iron Warrior's throat like a serpent, strangling him.
"Get to the bridge and cease that fire imediatly!" shouted Lieutenant Sargoth with a strong, dark voice as he was cut loose from his seat by brother Fermicus. "Ghaurion, Furiax, leave him!" At their leader's command, the bloodthirsty and enraged Chaos marines halted their efforts, Ghaurion's tentacle arm loosening it's grip, Furiax's sword left buried in the Iron Warrior's bloody chest.
Sargoth looked at the wounded marine wreathing on the floor, too weak to pull the deeply-stabbed sword from his torso. He soon stopped moving. Sargoth spat at the dying figure before exiting the room behind his comrades. Before he set off down the corridor, Sargoth gave another order: "Brother Fermicus and brother Xathras, attempt to locate squads Rhazior and Zerus! Rendezvous-point in the hangar-bay after we've taken care of the Iron Warriors."

Hasmodius spoke into the radio, giving orders to his men aboard the other ships.
"Prepare to enter warpspace as soon as the Immeasurable has been destroyed. And be on the lookout for..."
He was suddenly interrupted by lieutenant Appolonus's loud voice coming through the radio, accompanied by the sound of gunshots and screaming in the background.
"Warsmith, Lord Xenofexius and several squads of World Eaters have boarded our ship!! They've disabled our warp-drives, and might be attempting to..."
A mighty boom was the last sound to be heard from the radio, silencing Appolonus before he had completed his last sentence. And before Hasmodius could reply, the floor beneath him shook as the Black Legion Swiftdeath-squadrons opened fire on his ship. Three fighters roared past just outside the bridge, firing a salvo of shots which made the entire ship shake once more.
As Hasmodius staggered across the floor looking for something to hold on to, a weak and wounded-sounding voice sounded in his helmet comm-link.
"My Lord, a squad of ...of Black Legionaires have ... escaped and are rampaging through the ship... They.. they caught us off g-guard, and have ... released... ..."
For the first time for centuries, the veteran Chaos Space Marine lord felt mortal fear. Now there were no mine-fields or trench-lines between him and the enemy, no crippling artillery fire, no devastating Predators or Land Raiders. But desperately trying to retain his calmness, he spoke through his comm-link again.
"All men on the alert! Black Legionaires have escaped their cells! All marines to their posts!"
Then Hasmodius switched off his comm-link and turned to the bridge-crew.
"Close the blast-doors throughout the ship, and activate the internal corridor-turrets. Make sure no man reaches the bridge alive."
The ship shook again, pounded by fire from Black Legion fighters and starships alike, and soon the shields would not be able to deflect the incoming fire any more. Looking over at the near-destroyed Immeasurable Rage, large pieces of debris floating about in space around it, Warsmith Hasmodius made up his mind.
"Initiate the jump to warp-space, and notify the other ships of our departure. Set the course for the Medrengard system. We cannot afford to stay here any longer."

As the thick blast doors to the bridge closed with a hissing sound, but just as the Iron Warrior commander finally felt that the situation was under control, a cluster of unidentified ships suddenly appeared on the radar. And looking out into space in the direction the radar had pointed out, Hasmodius saw that a group of gleaming white ships had appeared in the distance. Imperial ships. They couldn't have timed their arrival better, thought Hasmodius angrily. Firstly, destroying the Immeasurable Rage had taken much longer time than he had predicted, and now this.

Then suddenly there was a deafening bang followed by the screeching sound of metal being torn, and the startled Warsmith turned to see a large hole in the thick blast doors. Now standing inside the room was the most hideous of creatures, a terrible mutated beast twice the size of a man, tentacles and claws sprouting from every part of it's body. Hasmodius couldn't even make out it's face, let alone produce his trusted bolter, before the hell-spawned thing charged at him. It's numerous long limbs batted aside the Iron Warrior's arms which he had haplessly raised to protect himself. The weight of the creature smashed Hasmodius to the floor, and a gigantic crab's claw closed around his neck. The doomed warsmith screamed with pain as he felt his body crushed by the weight of the beast, and his legs and torso being pierced by long, razor-sharp scythes. Then the strong claw around his neck snapped shut. His severed head rolled across the floor, and stopped at the feet of a black armoured Chaos marine who also had entered the room.
"In the name of Horus, cease that fire immediatly!!" shouted lieutenant Sargoth loudly, pointing his boltgun at the frightened crewmen and servitors standing by the control-panels. They were quick to react, hastily pushing buttons, pulling levers and adjusting switches. As soon as the sound of the ship's fire had come to an end, Sargoth pulled the trigger of his bolter, his merciless fire cutting down every single crewman and servitor on the bridge.
Brothers Ghaurion and Furiax entered the room through the hole in the blast doors. Sargoth acknowledged their prescence, before walking over to the control panel. The entire ship shook, and the marines barely managed to stay on their feet. His eyes panning the control-panel, Sargoth spoke to his marines.
"I have to contact Lord Astralax and explain the situation. The Iron Warriors have tried to destroy Black Legion ships, and framing our squad for doing it."
He turned and looked with disgust at the foul Chaos Spawn, lying on top of the dead warsmith's body, gnawing a severed arm. Blood was everywhere.
"Take Arzhar and go to the hangar bay, where squads Zerus and Rhazior should be waiting. Board the transports which have warp-drives and enter warpspace. Astralax may not be convinced that Warsmith Hasmodius framed us, so we'll take no chances. Staying here might get us all killed."
Ghaurion spoke.
"But lieutenant, what of yourself?"
Sargoth stood silent for a moment, then answered.
"I will stay to pay the price for our failure. If it is the will of the gods, then we shall meet again. Go now, while you still have the chance."
With this, the marines coldly obeyed their leader's orders and left the room, dragging the hideous monster with them through the hole. As the marines made their way to the hangar-bay of the ship, several squadrons of Space Marine fighters closed in on the Black Legion fleet.

"Divine Servant, this is Captain Lyonis of Gauntlet Squadron. A number of fleeing traitor transport-ships are initiating their warp-drives. We're moving to intercept."
The space marine calmly twisted his flight-stick to avoid a large piece of debris floating through space. With the speed of lightning, his squadron of ATTACK CRAFT sped through space towards the transports, their cannons opening fire as soon as they came within range. The few answering turrets mounted on the transports were quickly blasted out of action, and the defenceless ships could do nothing as they were singled out and destroyed one by one by the ruthless and efficient White Consuls.
"Gauntlet leader, the last transport is avoiding the Emperor's wrath. Make sure it does not escape, Captain."
Captain Lyonis looked at his flight-radar, and watched the last blinking red spot disappear from the screen. Too late. Lyonis had been trusted to inflict the Emperor's vengeance upon each one of the traitors, but had failed to deliver. Now only the divine Emperor could forgive him.


....(Much later)...


"Attention unidentified Chaos transport, this is the battle-cruiser Rotblade of the Death Guard. I command you to respond, in the name of Nurgle!"
Ghaurion dragged himself to his feet, and walked slowly over to the communication-systems. Finally someone had received his distress-calls. This was his last and only chance. For how long his transport had drifted through space, he did not know. Months, years, decades perhaps. He had no idea how long it had been since brother Furiax and Arzhar the Chaos Spawn had died. Since then, he had been all alone. All the servitors and crewmen had been killed during the first days, the Chaos Marines having fed on their warm flesh since there was no other food available.
Gharion was no navigator or fleet officer. The Chaos Marine had barely managed to stay alive aboard his transport, let alone guide it through the sea of stars. Looking over at the large grey battle-cruiser which had newly entered the system, Ghaurion felt his supernatural body struggle to stay on it's feet as he switched on the comm-link.
"Calling Rotblade. This is Brother Ghaurion .. of the ... Black Legion. My..."
Ghaurion's vision darknened. He heard his own voice fade, and suddenly felt extremely weak and weary. For so long his body had tried to stay alive, for so long had the Black Legionnaire clung to life as it slowly slipped through his fingers. Now his time had come, and Ghaurion felt it. He felt the very Immaterum surge into him, through him, pulling his damned soul from it's mortal body and into an eternal black depth. Twisted faces appeared before his eyes, screaming and gibbering voices echoed inside his head. Daemons of the warp. They were his masters now. Serving Chaos is a gamble that every mortal is destined to lose, how had he not realised this? But amongst the low mumbling, loud, insane laughter and nightmarish screeches, Ghaurion heard another voice. A different voice, coming from the mortal realm, from the communications radio. And although it seemed distant, he heard every word.
"Ghaurion...? Doom-drinker, is that you?"

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:55:35 PM
Blank screen. The sound of a movie projector starting up (whirr, flip flip flip flip). Then, light, revealing the Imperial double- headed eagle, over which a circle has been overlaid. Inside the circle is a six. This then changes to a 5 *blip*...4-*blip*... 3-*blip*...2-*blip*...(screen goes black again...)

Words flash across the screen: "Marine Recruitment Advertisement #34919c"

*beep*

The screen now shows a Space Marine in power armor relaxing in a chair, smiling at the camera. Next to him is a movie player/slide projector on a card table and a small projection screen. The Marine's colors and badges indicate that he is an Ultramarine of the third company. He isn't wearing a helmet, and a power sword is strapped to his side; across his shoulder pad the name "Pluvius" is emblazoned.

"Hi, I'm Brother-Captain Pluvius. You may remember me from such Imperial propaganda as 'Down With Orks!', and 'Here Come the Ultramarines!' Today, I'm here to give you a glimpse of what it's like to be a Space Marine in the forty-first millenium. When I'm done giving you the tour, you can decide for yourself whether the Adeptus Astartes is the place for you.

"First off, what is the Adeptus Astartes? The Adeptus Astartes, or the Space Marines, is the one of the finest fighting forces in the arsenal of the Imperium of Man. We are the mailed fist of the Emperor. Or, if the Imperial Guard is the mailed fist, then we're the finely honed rapier's point. On the other hand, if you consider the elite Legio Ordo Sinister to be a rapier's point, and the Imperial Guard to be a sledgehammer, then we're a scalpel. More specifically, the Adeptus Astartes is composed of roughly a thousand Chapters of about a thousand fighting men, all given the best training that's technically legal, and biologically enhanced to better carry out the Emperor's Will. And that's the Adeptus in a nutshell. So, you ask, how do I sign up?

"To begin with, it would only be fair to say that the life of a Space Marine is not for everyone. First, we don't accept any heretics, including Chaos and Genestealer cultists. Repeat, no heretics. If you are a heretic, you should instead report to your local Inquisition Fortress for mandatory interrogation and subsequent liquidation. Second, we look for the finest warriors in the galaxy, and we recruit them while they're still young. Therefore, you must be eighteen years or younger to be eligible for recruitment. Currently, we are not accepting any females or abhuman scum, but this situation may change soon with the "kinder, gentler Administrata" currently in power. If you meet these criteria, then you may be eligible to be a Space Marine.

"All Marine Chapters are not created equal, and each is suited more for some people than it is for others. Every Chapter has its own unique history and flavor, so whatever your tastes, there's a Chapter for you. Let's take a look at a few noteworthy Chapters now." Pluvius turns on the projector, and grabs the clicker.

The first slide shows a Dark Angel marine, dressed in power armor and robes, standing next to a bone-white Terminator. Pluvius recites, "The first Chapter of the Adeptus Astartes is the Dark Angel Chapter. Known, along with their offshoot chapters, as the Unforgiven, the Dark Angels seek redemption for a sin that perhaps only they still remember."

*click* An Imperial Fist Marine, dressed in gaudy yellow, firing his bolter skywards. "The Imperial Fists, known for their hardiness, were instrumental in the defense of the Imperial Palace in the days of the Horus Heresy."

*click* An Ultramarine Devastator Squad, firing lascannons and heavy bolters in the midst of a cloud of smoke. "I, myself, hail from the Ultramarines. One of the most orthodox Chapters in the galaxy, we adhere as closely as possible to the sagacious writings of the Codex Astartes. Needless to say, we are indisputably one of the most powerful Chapters in existence."

*click* A Flesh Tearer scout, tearing the head off of an Eldar Guardian with his bare hands. "Infamous for their fearsome and bloodthirsty ways, the Flesh Tearers are truly a force to be reckoned with."

*click* A Rainbow Warrior Marine, emptying a skull-bedecked recycling bin. "Not only do the Rainbow Warriors fight with zeal in times of war, but they also patrol the galaxy for ecological damage, and punish wrongdoers with righteous anger."

*click* A jump-pack-equipped White Scar soaring through the air. "Renowned for their lightning raids and blitzkrieg attacks, the White Scars also played an important role in the defense of Terra during the Heresy."

*click* A World Eater, standing atop a plain of skulls, chainsword in one gauntleted fist, a clenched power glove on the other. "Whoops." Pluvius leans forward quickly and grabs the slide out of the projector, immediately popping it in his mouth. When he finishes swallowing it down, he says hurriedly, "Let's just pretend we didn't see that one, shall we?" He frowns at the projector, then shuts it off. Turning back to the camera, he continues:

"Whichever Chapter you choose, you will be rewarded with a plethora of new skills and abilities. Immediately upon entrance, the young recruit will be implanted with the first of many new and improved organs. Assuming he survives the process, more and more organs will be added, and the new Marine will find himself gifted with powers he never dreamed possible, such as eating rocks, enhanced senses, and spitting corrosive venom!" The screen behind Pluvius lights up again, showing several Marines engaged in a spitting contest, saliva burning smoking holes in the pavement.

"Many skills are learned in the tour of duty as well. By the end of his second year, the average Marine can outshoot an Imperial Guardsman, take more punishment than an Imperial Guardsman, and defeat three of them in hand-to-hand combat." The screen in back of Pluvius cuts to the scene from the Angels of Death Codex, where a squad of Blood Angels messily tears through a group of human cultists. Pluvius beams proudly at the show, and chuckles happily as a power-fisted Marine smashes the skull of an unfortunate cultist. Smiling, he continues his pitch.

"As a matter of fact, advanced research shows that, after all the genetic modifications have been made, a Marine in power armor is three times more likely than an Imperial Guardsman to survive a direct hit with a lasgun." The screen cuts to the Mentor Legion research labs, where a Tech-Marine has twelve Marines and twelve Guardsmen lined up by the wall. After he shoots all of them with a lasgun, two Marines fall over, wounded, and six Guardsmen. The Tech-Marine nods and says something to a nearby Servitor, who jots tally marks onto a clipboard.

"After all the paperwork has been filled out and processed, new Marines will also be eligible for special "Rapid Fire" and "Shaken Rules" benefits, yet more perks for being one of humanity's finest.

"Recruits are also guaranteed, free of charge, housing at the Chapter's fortress monastery. In a few, rare, cases, a Chapter might not have a fortress monastery, but instead a starship or orbital station. Nonetheless, there is no shortage of housing, and no Marine goes without bed and board. Yes, food is free, too. While a Marine can eat rocks for sustenance, the normal fare is much more tasty and nutritious." The screen now shows a group of Marines seated in a cafeteria, forks and knives in hand, licking their chops and watching a live cow being lowered onto the table. Pluvius turns back, looking a little envious and hungry, and goes on.

"Recruits with especial talent or inclination in more abstruse studies may receive free training in the technical school of their choice (Scholastica Psykana, Adeptus Mechanicus, or Colegio Apothecarion) under a special Space Marine Scholarship." The small screen now shows a Space Marine, dressed in full powered armor, sitting at a desk, filling in a scantron exam with an ancient and venerable #2 pencil. "These Marines go above and beyond the call of duty on the battlefield, lending their fighting skill while applying their advanced skills wherever they are needed most." Screen cuts to an Apothecary, carnifex in one hand, standing over the body of a dead Marine. He notices the camera suddenly, looks up, and smiles. Then he goes back to his work, roughly jabbing his carnifex into the Marine's chest and extracting the bloody, dripping geneseed, which he sticks in a jar.

"Time was, that you never got to see any new faces as a Space Marine. Back then, we thought that we were simply above abhuman trash, contemptible Imperial Guardsmen, or untrustworthy aliens. But times are changing - thanks to the new "affirmative action" plans, it is acceptable for Space Marines to fight alongside all these interesting characters. Every day, it is more and more common to see an Eldar Exarch fighting side-by-side with the Dark Angel Ravenwing, perhaps supplemented by the armored might of a Leman Russ battle tank. And while mighty characters such as Assassins and Inquisitor Lords are numerically rare, they make up for it by fighting more than their share of battles. So as you can see, joining the Adeptus Astartes is a great way to meet new people.

"In the grim darkness of the forty-first millenium, there is only war. But that doesn't mean that there's no time for fun and games! Every fortress-monastery is equipped with full recreational facilities. Just take a look." The screen goes through a number of scenes, including: Two Blood Angels, decked out in power armor, contemplating a game of Go; a pair of Space Wolves playing jai alai; a Salamander in Tactical Dreadnought Armor deftly kicking a soccer ball away from a pack of Nova Marines; Angels of Redemption marines cheering on a ping-pong match; an armored Howling Griffon doing a backflip off of a diving board, then promptly sinking to the bottom of the pool; an Angel Encarmine Devastator on a grassy hill, his autocannon propped against the tree, flying a kite in a clear-blue sky.

"And what about long-term benefits? Well, the average tour of duty in a Space Marine Chapter is about three hundred years. After that time, very few Marines decide to leave the Chapter voluntarily. But for those that do, it looks great on the resume! Former Space Marines are rarely out of a job for long, and are much sought-after in many walks of life." The screen shows a Mantis Warrior with reading glasses, processing tax returns; a Crimson Fist standing as a bouncer in front of a night club; a Grey Knight lecturing to a college classroom. "For those that die in the line of duty, full honors are bestowed posthumously, and funeral services arranged for." The screen shows a dead Blood Drinker with his progenoid glands cut out, and a Chaplain giving the services. "Lucky Marines who are mortally wounded in combat may have the option to be encased in a sarcophagus of adamantite, and instated as a Living Dreadnought, allowed to serve the Chapter for hundreds of years more."

Pluvius winds up his pitch now, and stands up. "So there you have it. The Adeptus Astartes - it's not just a job, it's an adventure. If you want to learn more about the enlistment opportunities, contact your local recruitment base. Tell them Pluvius sent you. And as for me-" Pluvius folds up the projection screen, revealing a horde of Orks engaged in combat against an Ultramarine army. Pluvius unstraps his power sword, and puts on a winning smile: "-I've got a battle to win! See you around." Turning to the battle, he starts shouting, "For the Emperor! Brother Octavius, watch your flank! Brother Amadeus, seal that gap! Brother Vicconius..."

*patriotic music for the credits, and then the reel ends

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 06:56:06 PM
How many Space Wolves does it tak to screw in a lightbulb?
A full chapter, one to hold the lightbuld, and 999 to turn the battle barge.



-What do you call a lasgun with a laser sight? Twin Linked.



The Imperial Guard doesn't need cover, they ARE cover!



"a simpe 3 lettre wurd. beer" - Thor Thundercaller



The Top Ten List why DA are cooler then IF:

The Top Ten List: Dark Angels VS. Imperial Fists

Reason #10
Dark Angels wear nifty GREEN armor; Imperial Fists wear YELLOW - 'nuff said!

Reason #9
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of the Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Perturabo of Iron Warriors.

Reason #8
Unlike Primarch Rogal Dorn of Imperial Fists, Dark Angel Primarch Lion el'Jonson never had his ass kicked by Primarch Night Haunter of Night Lords (do we see a trend here?).

Reason #7
When the Emperor had to have one of his Legions stay behind and guard Earth while the others traveled the Galaxy gaining fame and glory, Rogal Dorn jumped up and down shouting "Pick Me, Pick Me?I'll do it?"

Reason #6
Never had to have ass saved by Ultramarines, unlike the Imperial Fists after being pinned down for months by the Iron Warriors.

Reason #5
Dark Angels have the greatest victory record of all the Emperor's Legions. Imperial Fists are 0-1-1 (no recorded victories, lost to Iron Warriors and they like to call the defense of Earth a "Draw").

Reason #4
Lion el'Jonson fought Leman Russ toe-to-toe for a day with neither Primarch besting the other. Rogal Dorn would have used the famous "Play Dead and Run Away" tactic.

Reason #3
Dark Angels have lots of nifty special items like the Sword of Secrets; what were the Imperial Fists things again?can't seem to remember?

Reason #2
Dark Angels would have NEVER screwed up the defense of Earth and got everyone killed. And where exactly was Rogal Dorn when everyone else attacked Horus?.

And?.

Reason #1
Did I mention the YELLOW armor?



TOP TEN USES FOR SQUAD BANNERS

#10, MARCHING: When marching into the sun the first three men in column behind the sergeant are well shaded...

#9, OUT NUMBERED: When outnumbered you can give every man a banner. Space them 25' apart and march them in the open (as far from the enemy as possible) while kicking up a lot of dust. Your company will look like an entire Chapter...

#8, DICIPLINE: Warn unruly young Marines that if they don't straigten up you will make them wear the "Combat Magnet" in battle for a day.

#7, RECRUITING: You can attach a basketball hoop to the pole when recruiting in inner-city areas. Or, detach the pole and rig it for bass-fishing when recruiting in rural areas...

#6, TRENCH COMBAT: When defending a trenchline you can place the company standard in the center of your trench with squad banners spaced 25' apart on either side. When the enemy takes position faceing your "company", hit them in the flanks from the woods...

#5, DESERT COMBAT: Stick banner poles in the sand.. 25' apart... Then hide. When the enemy discovers this, first they will assume your company is wiped out. Then they will march an extra day to go around the quick-sand.

#4, ARCTIC COMBAT: Same as Desert Combat except the enemy will march an extra day to go around the frozen lake.

#3, URBAN COMBAT: Place banners on extra long poles. While the enemy is shooting holes in the walls just below the 3rd floor window... shoot them from the first floor window.

#2 R&R: At all Imperial amusment parks Sergeant's may count the banner pole when they get to the "You must be this tall to ride" sign before each ride...

AND THE #1 USE FOR SQUAD BANNERS IS....
Arguing over who has the longest "Banner Pole" at the NCO's club.



My space marine joke..... THE SPACE WOLVES!!



CSM:Knock, knock

SM:Who's there?

CSM:Boo

SM:Boo who?

CSM:STOP CRYING YOU LACKY OF THE GOLDEN THRONE!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!



What's better than being upgraded from a warlock to a farseer?

Not being an Eldar!



What's worse than being blamed of being on the other side of the galaxy when everyone else on your side is dying?

Being an Ultramarine!!!



A Slaneesh demonnette (sp?) was found, half dead, by a platoon of imperial guard, who screamed "foul abomination" and walked along by....

Next, a sister of battle came past, screamed "foul abomination", cast some protective runes on herself, and walked along by......

Next, a space marine came past, put a bullet in it's leg, and left it there to die a sorrowful death....

Next, an ancient and wise Eldar came along....

5 minutes later, he walked out of the bush, muttering under his breath "they don't make them like they used to......"



The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches.

"One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!".



A Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each
one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard.

"What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!"

He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3).

Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's a fly in
his beer too! He magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint.

"Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit
it out, spit it out!!!"



"ATANK ATANK ATANK! ATANK ATANK ATANK!"



how many Slanneshi Cultists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well, two, of course, but don't ask me how they got in there.



Battlecry of followers of Khorne: Blood for the Blood God!
Battlecry of followers of Slaneesh: Porn for the Porn God!



What do you call it when two Space Wolves are playing catch with a live krak gernade on a three second timer?

A good outcome either way!



Dark Angels at the movies.

(Movie theater. Various normal people sitting around, waiting for the
movie to begin. Doors open, and Azrael, Ezekiel and Asmodai of the
Dark Angels enter. They make their way to an empty row)
AZRAEL- Brothers, come! We shall sit here, in a row that is free of heretics and accursed alien filth!
EZEKIEL- Thou art correct, Brother. I sense no tainted mind of Chaos within this row!
ASMODAI- Come Brothers! Let us be seated!
(They all sit down. Their massive power-armoured forms block the view
of seven people behind them)
AZRAEL- Alas!
ASMODAI- Brother, what is thy concern?
AZRAEL- In our foolish rush, we have forgotten to purchase
refreshments!
ASMODAI- Dost thou wish to repent and seek forgiveness, Brother
Azrael?
EZEKIEL- Come Brothers, calm thyselves! There is still time!
AZRAEL- I shall take a squad of Marines to the refreshment area,
where we will purchase food and drink, which we shall consume for the
duration of this motion picture!
ASMODAI- Wait Brother! We still require local currency!
AZRAEL- Blessed be thy quick mind Asmodai! I shall empty my pockets
for local currency!
(Azrael empties his robe pockets)
AZRAEL- Emperor's blood... I have only enough to purchase strong
monkish ale for but one of us!
EZEKIEL- Fear not Brother, for we too shall empty our pockets!
(They all empty their pockets)
ASMODAI- Praise be Him on Terra! We have enough of this crude local
currency to purchase strong monkish ale for us all!
EZEKIEL- But wait! What about nourishment?
AZRAEL- Aye, in the form of heavily salted popped corn!
ASMODAI- We have not enough to purchase such decandant luxuries!
AZRAEL- Thou art correct Asmodai. But enough idle prattle! I go now
to purchase strong monkish ale!
(Azrael stands up, but begins to struggle)
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael, what is wrong?
AZRAEL- Uuurgh... c-can't move... feet stuck... to f-floor! Urgh!
ASMODAI- Alas, he is being held by arcane and blasphemeous Chaos
sorcery!
AZRAEL- Some sort of... urrgh... strange adhesive... coating m-my
armour! Aaargh!
EZEKIEL- Brother, arm thyself! We must free our beloved Chapter
Master from this foul embrace of Chaos!
(Ezekiel and Asmodai arm their bolters. Azrael suddenly breaks free
on the chewing gum that had stuck to the soles of his boots)
AZRAEL- Hold thy fire Brothers! I have broken free!
ASMODAI- Truly our Chapter Master is blessed by the Lion and the
Emperor of Terra, may His light never die!
AZRAEL- We shall have time to rejoice later Brother, for I still
must...
EZEKIEL- Brother Azrael! The motion picture has started!
AZRAEL- Curses! Then I must make haste, immediately! Our parched
gullets depend on my swiftness!
ASMODAI- Then hurry Brother! With all haste! Emperor be with you!
AZRAEL- Many thanks Brother! I go now... TO PURCHASE STRONG MONKISH
ALE!
ALL- UNTIL THE SWORD IS REFORGED!!!
(People in the back row begin to throw popcorn at them)
EZEKIEL- Brothers, take cover! We are under fire!
ASMODAI- Arm thyselves! Prepare to return fire! We shall cleanse
their souls with righteous bolter fire!
AZRAEL- Die heretic filth!!!
(They open fire and massacre the people in the back row. In the row
in front of them, CYPHER and LUTHER)
LUTHER- (points back over shoulder) See? THAT'S why I turned to Chaos...
CYPHER- My sentiments exactly... (turns to face the three Dark
Angels) WILL YOU THREE SHUT UP!!!
AZRAEL, EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- Emperor's bones! Cypher, the Fallen One!
REPENT, FOR TOMORROW YOU...
CYPHER- yeah, yeah, blah blah blah...
(A WATCHER pops up from nowhere, steals Cypher's popcorn and runs off)
CYPHER- Why you little-!
(WATCHER giggles sadistically and runs out of the cinema)
CYPHER- Curse you, you damn Jawa-wannabe!!!
(CYPHER pulls out plasma pistol and bolt pistol and sprays fire
around randomly, slaughtering people)
LUTHER- Cypher, jeez, it's just popcorn, and besides, the damn things
are invulnerable...
CYPHER- Raaaaaaargh!!!
(Azrael whips out combi-plasma and places it point-blank to Cypher's
forehead)
AZRAEL- Die, Fallen One!
CYPHER- You do realise I'll only truly die if the divine power that
protects me rolls three ones...
(Azrael fires. Cypher is blown apart. Luther looks on, amused)
LUTHER- Well, whaddya know? Guess Cypher wasn't so lucky after all...
(Ezekiel and Asmodai pull out force sword and crozius respectively
and loom over Luther)
EZEKIEL AND ASMODAI- REPENT, TRAITOR!!! FOR TOMORROW YOU DIE!!!
LUTHER- ... Wait a minute.
AZRAEL, ASMODAI AND EZEKIEL- WHAT IS IT, FOUL ONE SPEAK SWIFTLY, FOR
YOUR TIME IS...
LUTHER- Shut it. I was wondering, about that "Repent for tomorrow you
die" thing...
AZRAEL- It is our sacred battlecry!
LUTHER- Yes, but technically, if you are to adhere to your battlecry,
you should come back tomorrow and kill me tomorrow, which is kinda
silly really, since you've just sort of warned me and given me some
sort of advantage, as I can stay out your way tomorrow.
AZRAEL- Shut up! Shut up!
LUTHER- Furthermore, if you shout that battlecry EVERY TIME you are
about to do battle with someone, doesn't that mean that you can never
kill anyone? I mean, take now for instance. You say, "Repent, for
tomorrow you die", correct? Now, if you do track me down tomorrow,
you would have to shout your battlecry again; "Repent, for tomorrow
you die", so you couldn't attack me then either. And so on and so on
and so on.
EZEKIEL- (downcast) You've just mutilated the battlecry we've been
happily using for ten millennia...
ASMODAI- That's soooo meeeean!!!
LUTHER- And what's up with the dresses!? The old Dark Angels never
wore dresses!
AZRAEL- They are our holy robes...
LUTHER- Damn it, I don't even want to be the Great Fallen One of a
damn transvestite chapter!
I wonder if the Ultramarines could recruit me as some sort of arch-
enemy of old? At least they don't wear dressing gowns into battle!
EZEKIEL- If I can just make a point...
LUTHER- Just get out of my sight. You're scum. I don't even want to
look at you.
ASMODAI- But Sir...
LUTHER- SPEAK WHEN YOU'RE SPOKEN TO, MONK BOY!!! Now, get out.
(Azrael, Asmodai and Ezekiel shuffle out of the cinema. Luther
settles back in his seat and rests his feet on a Watcher in the Dark)
LUTHER- Thank Chaos for that.
TWO WEEKS LATER, THE EMPEROR'S THRONEROOM...
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Lord God Imperator?
THE BIG GUY- Yeeeeeeeesss...?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- (hands the Throne Geezer a piece of paper) The Dark
Angels wish to hand in their letter of resignation...
THE BIG GUY- WTF!!?
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Apparently they've had rather a strict talking-to
and they've just had enough of being bullied really. They want to
quit.
THE BIG GUY- BY MY GOLDEN TOILET, THEY CANNOT SIMPLY QUIT!!!
ADEPTUS CUSTODES- Oh, they did kill Cypher though...
THE BIG GUY- Ah well, guess no rebirth for me... and I really wanted
to be the Star Child too...

THE END

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 07:07:51 PM
How many space marines does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, their lasguns work fine.

Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is beardy.

Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.



101 Uses for a Lasgun
Warming soup.
When left on, a seat warmer in your Leman Russ.
Disco effects/pyrotechnics.
Cigarette lighter.
Changing T.V channels.
Selling to get funds for a better weapon.
Throwing at the enemy (may do more damage)
Using for grave marking for IG troops.
Collecting (eventually you might have enough to do some damage)Paperweight.
Skeet shooting.
A cooking utensil.Looking slightly menacing.
Strapping onto a Boltgun as a laser sight.
Annoying friends by shining it in their eyes repeatedly
Burning ants



What the Emperor thinking...

"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ."

"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ."

"Why can't they hook up a playstation 40,000 in here?"

"Damn, my foot's asleep again."

"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."



Two guardsman are yomping off to war when one says to the other:
"Hey sarge, this lasgun is heavy. I wish we had something lighter."
The Sarge, being a grizzled veteran of many wars, let's the man in on a secret:
"You could kill grots just by pointing your finger at them and shouting: ABANG ABANG ABANG! Because the grots know that when they hear that they are gonna die and so fall over dead to save themselves the bother."
"You must be joking Sarge," - the soldier replies and thinks nothing more of it.

War comes. The guardsman runs out of ammo.

In desperation he points his finger and shapes it like a gun. Feeling rather stupid, he shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! And to his surprise he sees whole squads of gretchin die.
He proceeds to slaughter all of the gretchin horde with the exception of one grot that is charging straight towards him.
He shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! but nothing happens.
Rather confused he shouts louder ABANG ABANG ABANG!
The next thing the guardsman remembers is being smashed flat by some awesome force, every bone in his body is crushed.

The last thing he remembers is a small high pitched grotty voice squeeling:
ATANK ATANK ATANK! ATANK ATANK ATANK!



Why did the Catachan cross the road?
To get out of mortar friendly fire.

What is a berserker of Khorne to a Catachan?
Teddy Bear.

Six Catachans and their Sergeant enter a bar. They proceed to get into a bar fight with some Dark Angels.
"We'll beat 'em" - the Sarge says. Then politely asks the Space Marines to step outside and opens the door for them. Needless to say, nothing of the fine establishment was left when the marine hit the trip wire.



Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:
Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine (oops! sorry, Lamenters
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
A remote controlled Necron
A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth



Death Guard Motto:
"A sickness a day keeps the Imperials away, and death at bay, or so they say."



The Thousand Sons have always suffered two problems: They're all brothers, and none of them have visible bodies...
Thousand Son 1: Yo bro!
Thousand Son 2: Hi!
Thousand Son 3: Hi!
Thousand Son 2: Hey, he was talkin' to me!
Thousand Son 3: No, he was talkin to ME!
Thousand Son 4: No, me!
Thousand Son 5: Me!
Thousand Son 6: Me! Me!
Thousand Son 2 Tell 'em, Hydraxus! You meant me, right?
Thousand Son 3: You meant me, didn't you, Hydraxus?
Thousand Son 7: I'm not Hydraxus! I was talkin to my brother over here!
Thousand Son 8: Who, me?
Thousand Son 9: No! You were talkin to me, weren't you, Malevolus?
Thousand Son 1: I'm not Malevolus! I'm Hydraxus!



Tau Water Caste Leader: "Those big guys in black armour are a bit tough, aren't they. I will go and negociate a treaty with their commander. It is that guy in that large armour, with the long sword and the big claw, right? How do they call him, Aba...?"



50 Ways to Annoy your Opponent

1. Bring a hand puppet. Question it constantly as to what is the best course of action.
2. Bring a small model coffin with undertakers. Everytime a model dies, escort it off the battlefield and give it model funeral. Remember to hum the funeral theme tune.
3. Bring a falsified rulebook ( hours of fun ).
4. Shave your head. Paint your skin green. Wear a nose ring. Grunt a lot.
5. Flip a coin at the start of the game. After observing the outcome, claim that you have won the game. Look upset if your opponent denies this. Sulk.
6. Bring 20 printed pages of notes and intellectual-looking glasses. Refuse to let your opponent look at them. Refer to them throughout the game. Speak aloud as you read- "he's gone there, so contingency plan 8a means that I should..."
7. Insist opponent rolls all your dice for you. Complain and insult your opponent if you get any bad rolls.
8. Before the game, do a little dance and motion to the gods. Curse your opponent dramatically.
9. Arrive before your opponent. Set up your army and then take the other side of the table. Act as if you are expecting to play with your opponent's army.
10. Add a spring loading system to your cannon. Bring lots of ball bearings.
11. Bring a plastic kid's sword and 'challenge' your opponent. If he refuses, claim you have won the game through his forfeit.
12. Play dead if your general dies.
13. Bring a Land-raider model from 40K. Leave it sitting conspicuously on your side of the table. Make cryptic references to the power of laser cannon in WHFB.
14. Complain that you don't think you can trust your hero.
15. Act as if you are a sports commentator. Commentate on the game. Incessantly.
16. Ask politely if your opponent wouldn't kill your general. Explain that its his birthday.
17. Bring a smoke machine. Insist on recreating the "fog of war".
18. Sacrifice a goblin to Mork before the game. Saw off its head with a craft knife.
19. Arrange models in a diorama in the middle of the battle. Take photos for a "battle report."
20. Sharpen your goblins' spears before the game with a craft knife. Grin widely.
21. Cackle diabolically. "The World is mine! Nothing can stop me now!"
22. State before the game that you are playing for the title of the champion of the universe.
23. Feel the personal loss of every soldier. "Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him well."
24. Lament the woes of war loudly. Faint when a model dies.
25. Add sound FX. Kaboom!
26. Ask if you can have TV rights to the game.
27. Just to surprise your opponent, agree amicably with and compliment your opponent!
28. Declare that you are opposed to the senseless destruction of our forests. Refuse to let him kill your treemen. Refuse to let him move through woods.
29. Insist on a lunch break for your troops. Bring a model Mr. Whippy Van.
30. Explain that you are a pacifist. Call off the game immediately.
31. Order your miniatures in your best Sergeant-Major voice. "Quick march, on the double- hut!"
32. Ask if your opponent is opposed to nuclear warfare. Carry a small spherical device. Give no other reasons.
33. Wear a crown. Say that you are the "Lord of the Galaxy". Get a horde of admirers to cheer you on.
34. Bring a stuffed, shaved poodle. Say it is your mascot.
35. Grow a Hitler moustache and wear a swastika. 'Discipline' your troops if they fail to salute you.
36. Cheer on your miniatures.
37. Hide under the table at the start of the game. Make your opponent drag you out. Speak in a nervous whisper. Confide in him that you are scared of his troops.
38. Leave a false army list lying around. Snatch it back angrily if your opponent starts to read it, but leave it visible.
39. Pull out an ace surreptitiously ( but obviously ) from your sleeve during the magic phase. Look pleased. Try to play it.
40. Keep a deck of Magic the Gathering cards handy. When you are told it is "the magic phase" bring out the cards and start to shuffle them. Ask if he wants to cut your deck.
41. Speak in Skaven. Neek- Neek!
42. Tell him you've brought weighted dice. Complain about the uselessness of modern technology when you start to roll ones.
43. Bring a lamp. Rub it and make three wishes before the game. Look at your opponent accusingly if they don't immediately come true. Ask him if he's used it.
44. Ask what year it is. Ask where you are. Ask what game you are going to play. If he says warhammer, bring out an antique mallet and hit him with it. Smile a corny grin.
45. Make references to a spy/traitor in his army.
46. Don't place your wizard on the board at the start of the game. At the end of your deployment, use a small explosive device to create a smoke screen and place down the wizard behind it while you yell, "poof!". When the smoke dissipates, say, "Tadaa!"
47. Have a history written for every trooper. Start a family feud.
48. Poor cheese sauce all over your opponent's army. Complain that it is cheesy.
49. Come with an army painted completely flora purple. Wear dark glasses.
50. Attempt to bribe your opponent's characters. Turn away quickly if your opponent looks at you questioningly. Deny everything.



50 MORE Ways to Annoy Your Opponent

1. Refer to your miniatures only by their first name.
2. Refer to his miniatures only by their first name.
3. Try to bribe his units over to your side.
4. Three words: Pastel Color Scheme.
5. Rent advertising space on your unit banners.
6. Offer your opponent the chance to surrender before the battle starts.
7. Dress in character.
8. Perform a play by play commentary in a Howard Cossell voice.
9. Speak only in third person.
10. Use huge brass dice. Roll them dangerously close to your opponent's figures.
11. Use only the little red dice from Warhammer Quest.
12. Only roll one die at a time.
13. Play Britney Spears. Insist that is it "battle music." Put it on repeat.
14. Name all your characters after obscure Hungarian royalty. Become annoyed if your opponent fails to notice.
15. Claim your army is comprised of all women. When pressed, explain they are all in disguise as to not get kicked out of the army.
16. Place a hammer on the table before the battle starts. Explain it is there to insure loyalty.
17. Quote Sun Tzu often, but only irrelevantly.
18. Every time one of his miniatures has unrestricted LOS to a target, say 'check'.
19. Suggest obviously suicidal tactics to your opponents. Explain that 'that's what Custer would do'.
20. Perform a rousing speech to your troops before the battle. Pose like Mussolini at the end.
21. Secretly replace your opponent's miniatures one at a time with miniatures from other games.
22. Claim your miniatures are proxied for another regiment, though that has no bearing on game play whatsoever.
23. Place all of your infantry on individual monster bases.
24. Flock your bases with sand. Do not use glue.
25. Take a halftime break to play with your Blood Bowl cheerleaders.
26. In rules disputes, reference on Hoyle's book of games.
27. Place NASCAR-like ads all over your vehicles.
28. Demand to change table sides at the halfway mark.
29. Use Play-doh miniatures. When one is killed, pound it into the table with your fist angrily.
30. When your figure reaches the opponent's table side, demand it be kinged.
31. Measure distances only with a yardstick.
32. On a bad roll, swear a blue streak. Use only obscenities approved Judge Dredd.
33. Sob uncontrollably while removing casualties.
34. When you win, dump a tub of Gatorade on your commander.
35. Include the word 'whoopass' on your army list as often as possible.
36. Don't move your army. Don't fire. Flee when charged.
37. Proxy a unit of O-scale cows for your commander's bodyguard. Don't forget to give them weapons.
38. Converts all wheeled models into lowriders. Including cannons and chariots.
39. Try to play multiple games at once like Gary Kasparov.
40. Discuss tactics with your troops. Become argumentative.
41. Four more words: Regis Philbin paint scheme.
42. In a rules dispute, check 1st, 2nd and 3rd Edition 40k Rulebooks, "just to make sure the rules don't change in each book."
43. Use a paintball gun to remove casualties. For both sides.
44. Write army list in pig latin and binary.
45. Fuzzy dice.
46. Start each game with the national anthem.
47. Have an inner monologue during the game. Digress frequently.
48. During your opponent's turn, yodel.
49. Each turn replace your commander with a new figure.
50. After a good die roll, do a victory dance and spike the die.
51. Write battle report during game. Take at least five minutes to write information between die rolls.



A Pretorian commander, who has only recently been transferred to a outpost on a other planet gets a tour through the camp by a corperal. At the end of the tour the comander notices that a grox is tied to the barracks of the men. "Why do you chaps have a grox tied to the barracks?" He asked. "Well." The corperal said. "When the men are lonely and need some attention they use the grox to get to their needs." It didn't bother the commander just as long as it was good for the morale. But after several months the commander began to feel the urges. "Bring in the grox!" He commanded. The corperal braught the grox in and the commander grabbed a chair and did some things with the grox that almost made the corperal throw up. After the commander was done he asked the corperal how the men do it. The corperal replied with: "Well sir, we moslty use the grox to go to the nearby town to visit the girls there."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: sniperjolly on July 11, 2008, 07:19:41 PM
An Ork, Space Marine and Eldar are walking down the road. They see a Chaos portal that has a sign on it. It says: 'say what is true or be sucked in'. The Space Marine says: "I think I'm the bravest" and walks past safely, the Eldar says: "I think I'm the most agile" and walks past safely. The Ork says: "Me thinks..." and gets sucked into the portal.



Tales from the Imperial Guard
Recruit: Seargeant, My grenade didn't work!
Seargeant: You forgot to pull out the pin.
Trooper: Lieutenent, I found this pin, but there's no
grenade attached
Lieutenent: I-
[Tank behind him explodes]



Uses for an Imperial Guardsman's Bayonet

•A dandy can opener
•cutting your vegetables
•mugging the guys in the camp next to you
•prop swords
•pantsing your commander
•looking like a thug
•fighting grots (still may not work)
•a reflective surface for signalling
•shaving (use whipped cream from rations with it)
•quick and easy haircuts
•a belt buckle
•commiting suicide (might work if you try hard enough)
•gardening



That one's from a completely different world (WHFB), but still funny:

A lesson in Khazalid (The Launguage of the Dwarfs)

Today we shall learn about Important Dwarfish Phrases:
Krut : A discomferting diseise contacted from mountain goats
Donglitz : The parts of a dwarf that are impposible to scratch
Boga : A candle which goes out unexpetedly, plunging a tunnel into darkness
Wazzok A dwarf who has exchanged gold for something of little value or no worth. A foolish or gullible dwarf.
Chuf A piece of cheese a miner keeps under his hat in case of emergancies.

Now you have learnt well the dwarven tongue. You too can commucate with the greatest race in the old world!



A lot of people say the lasgun is the worst piece of equipment in the universe. This is not so. Check out this "true" account.

One battle Jim the guardsman's unit is wiped out except him. Jim suffers an attack of common sense (or a failed leadership check; the details are fuzzy) and bolts for the nearest cover. Unfortunately he barrels headlong into a Chaos space marine holding a plasma pistol.

"Wait don't kill me yet", says Jim: "let me show you a trick." The Chaos space marine agrees and Jim promptly pulls out a cigar. He puts it into his mouth and uses his lasgun to light it.

"Pah! That's nothing. I can do that!" - says the Chaos space marine. So Jim hands him a cigar. The marine puts it into his mouth and then puts his plasma pistol to the cigar. He pulls the trigger and promptly blows his head off. Jim swaggers off back to base to have a well deserved cheeseburger.

This is just one example of a lasguns awesome and devastating power.



Best Uses for 40k Races:

Eldar - Road Cones.
Tau - That robot butler you always wanted in your room.
Imperial Guard - Not useful at all.
Space Marine - Personel Protection (just say you are the emperor's cousin).
Chaos Space Marine -That bully you never liked. I think you know where I am going.
Sisters of Battle - Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Dark Eldar - All those goth people that like pain.
Orks - Maybe grots will do anything for a cookie.
Necrons - I really can't think of anything unless you have a large terminator collection.
Tyranids - Turn this bug loose in the resturant you don't like.
Demonhunters - That semi-freaky phsycic kid at school most likely named Dean.

All the armies and races in Warhammer 40k can be summed up similar to that of a playground.

The Space Marines: The eight foot tall grade 6 bullies who found some shotguns and some Steroids. They resent drugs in every way… But sometimes are pressured into doing them.

The Imperial Guard: The Grade one kids with pointy sticks… Usually call on the help of their friends the Grade 6's when someone bugs them…

Sisters of battle: The creepy grade 5 Goth chicks who nobody really cares about although every one of them carries a hand gun.

The Tyranid: The freaky little kinder gardener's who run around biting people

The Eldar: The old bullies who are currently in grade 8 got addicted to drugs and went out of it for a while then went to karate for 3 weeks to become the bully again then got shot by the Grade 1's, 5,s and 6's. They now play in the sandbox.

The Dark Eldar: The grade 8's who never went to karate or got off drugs.

The Orks: The special needs grade 10 who gets beaten up by everyone when he comes along but always comes back for more.

The Tau: The 4 foot tall grade 4 who walked up to the Grade 1's and asked "Do you wanna be friends?" And the Grade ones called their friends over and they all shot the little kids leg off and booted him into the sand box were the kinder gardener's came along and started biting on his other leg before the Drug dealers finally got him.

Chaos: The Grade 6 Drug dealers.

Necron: The Crazy Goth-nerd-jocks who came along and now have bully rivalries with the Grade 6's.

Daemonhunters: The Tattle tail's who work directly under the principal telling him whenever anyone does something wrong... No particular set grade.

The Emporer: The Crazy principal who came to school on a bad day with a hummer who tells all the obediant children what to do.



No joke thread without the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White bike :p

There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.

On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"

"Ok."





WOW... I just posted, like ten posts in a row... thats like 200000 charicters, I hope I am not in trouble :-[ :-[... after all this doesent count tword my post count,

Im going to report myself to the mods right now  :P

EDIT: 17 posts in a row! *gasp*
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: JamesBot 9000 on July 11, 2008, 07:30:21 PM
Well, props to you for actually going through and reporting yourself. That does NOT mean I condone this, however. Please refrain from doing it again.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Mr.Peanut (Turtleproof) on July 11, 2008, 07:45:11 PM
Sweet jesus.

Well, I assume you ran into the character limit, so you do what you have to do for tl;dr 40k jokes!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Angel Of Shadows on September 5, 2008, 07:48:10 AM
Q: Whats long when you pull it, fits between boobs and fits in a hole?
A: A seatbelt
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: blinky jungle(REM) on November 29, 2008, 02:32:36 PM
A veteran Grand Master walks into a bar
After a few space beers and a litre of hyper absinthe gets into a fight with the local ANGRATH he charges, spining his MASTER CRAFTED FULL XENO NEMISIS FORCE WITCH CLAW (witch claw is a witch blade cross a lightning claw) above his head kills the ANGRATH then goes to the toilet on it. then people say
"you will anger KHORNE"
"so what"
then khorne says
"zap attack" and fires a lightning bolt at him.  1minute  later it hit him nothing happened. he falls asleep when he wakes up he looks in the mirror and sees khorne run up to him then he realises he forgot his sword "OH Fu"
khorne hits him nothing happens
wow that hyper vodka really works

Advert earlier on to day

Hyper vodka hyper vodka
does the same thing that feel no pain does
exept you don't have to fight
allergies advice:may contain nuts
battries not included
 
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: EightyEight on December 12, 2008, 11:57:36 AM
What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is when you brush a feather over your partner's body. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

-Courtesy of my chemistry teacher...
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: blinky jungle(REM) on December 13, 2008, 04:25:18 PM
what happens when you cross culexis assasin with grand master
A psychopathic emo
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: EightyEight on December 15, 2008, 12:31:27 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He kept himself up all night wondering whether there really is a dog.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: blinky jungle(REM) on December 17, 2008, 03:38:15 PM
I ask for the TV remote the person doesn't answer
I look around for a short time
when I come back to the person they say

I dont know where the phone is

and I say

I didn't ask for the phone





Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Sheepz on December 19, 2008, 08:26:09 AM
I was always under the impression jokes should be like a bout between a prize fighter and a young orphan. Short, brutal and rather amusing. Unfortunately I'm seeing a lot that look like dissertations in failure.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Talon Undecided on December 28, 2008, 09:31:34 PM
I was always under the impression jokes should be like a bout between a prize fighter and a young orphan. Short, brutal and rather amusing. Unfortunately I'm seeing a lot that look like dissertations in failure.
This. Is funny.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Thalandir on December 29, 2008, 03:35:23 AM
How many non-marine players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Both of them!
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Unown Entity on December 31, 2008, 03:56:26 PM
Five jokes:

1. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Who cares?

2. What do you get if you cross two shoes with a banana peel?

Who cares?

3. What is the answer to life, the Universe and everything?

Who cares?

4. Is someone eventually just gonna crack and go on a rampage, destroying everything in their path before finally falling off a cliff to their bloody deaths, only to be resurrected as a zombie to turn the entire earth into the zombie slaves of an all-powerful, god-like overlord?
 
Who cares?

5. Isn't the ultimate answer to any question, no matter how profound or cosmic, merely 'who cares'?

OMGWTFBBQLOLBRBG2GROFLMAO?

(Translation of the above sentence:'Who cares?')
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Tyranid_Wannabe on December 31, 2008, 11:19:41 PM
Alright seeing as this thread has hosted so many bad jokes, lets not fight it but go with the flow. I myself am going to tell the worst joke in the entire world.

There was once a balloon boy who lived in a balloon world. His mum was a balloon, his house was a balloon. The World was made out of balloons and so were the people.
Anyway one day he was banned from his balloon xbox for not doing his balloon homework. As he sat in school, he got so mad that he grabbed his balloon scissors and shoved them right into the school building. There was a great wooshhhh and the balloon school deflated. Well there was an uproar and the principal went up to the boy and began to tell him off and how he had been very naughty and bad. Well the boy was still angry so he once again grabbed his balloon scissors and stabbed the prinicipal. There was a great woooosh and the balloon prinicipal deflated. Then he ran home and locked himself in his room. Soon afterwards the police and his mum came to his room to ask him to come out. The balloon boy was so racked with guilt that he then picked up the scissors and stabbed himself. There was a great woosh and the balloon boy deflated. Much later the balloon boy woke up in hospital and there was the prinicipal standing beside his bedside.

"Son" he said "Not only have you let the school down, you've let me down but most importantly of all you've let yourself down"


Now excuse me people but due to my crimes against comedy I think my house is going to be napalmed. May you enjoy the worst joke that I know of  ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Unown Entity on January 3, 2009, 06:10:23 PM
New joke! (sort of... :-\)


Chuck Norris and Mr T. walk into a bar...


The bar is instantly disintegrated. No building can hold that level of awesome in it.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Talon Undecided on January 4, 2009, 09:26:26 PM
New joke! (sort of... :-\)


Chuck Norris and Mr T. walk into a bar...


The bar is instantly disintegrated. No building can hold that level of awesome in it.
You forgot Chicago Ted.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Mr. Dashington on January 10, 2009, 12:14:51 PM


What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?
Pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven.


Very old quote, but...I thought it was because  you don't cum on a pizza before eating it


Some of these jokes are little inappropriate and might me modded out, idk, and so if you laugh at any of them you're probably a bad person like me


What's the difference between Madeline McCain and Madeline McCain jokes?
Madeline McCain won't get old

What do you call a Jewish dilemma?
Free ham

What's the last thing that went through Princess Diana's mind?
The windshield

What was Elvis' last hit?
The bathroom floor
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Starrakatt on January 11, 2009, 06:35:34 PM
Okay, thanks col. ulysses.

It probably means I'm a bad man too...

   Starky
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Unown Entity on January 12, 2009, 12:29:38 PM
New joke! (sort of... :-\)


Chuck Norris and Mr T. walk into a bar...


The bar is instantly disintegrated. No building can hold that level of awesome in it.
You forgot Chicago Ted.

...who?

Also, another joke (otherwise this is spam):

guy1:Knock knock.
guy2:Who's there?
guy1:An interrupting starfish.
guy2:An interruptin-
guy1:*turns into starfish* Ah-woooooooooooooooooooo...
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: blinky jungle(REM) on February 2, 2009, 02:48:35 PM



CUSTOMS OFFICER- Anything to declare, sirs?
AHRIMAN- Nope.
FABIUS- Nothing.
ABADDON- Nadda.
KHARN- We're all psychopathic followers of the Ruinous Powers, cunningly disguised so that we may slip past your feeble defences and be destruction and the apocalypse incarnate upon thy land.
*Long pause, Ahriman, Abaddon and Fabius all stare at Kharn*
AHRIMAN- What part of "don't speak and only breath enough to maintain consciousness" didn't you understand?
FABIUS- Knowing Kharn, I'd say all of it.
ABADDON- I'll have to go with Mr. Gene-Splice McSplicely on this one.
KHARN- Silly! Everyone knows that all true followers of honourable Khorne ALWAYS tell the truth!
AHRIMAN- Kharn, are you familiar with the term "justifiable homicide"?
KHARN- Refresh my memory.
ABADDON- We'd be happy to.
*Ahriman, Kharn and Abaddon all produce weapons and surround Kharn*
KHARN- I'm sensing some negativity here...

sorry for asking but is that a typo, or is Kharn an emo, or perhaps he just likes killing himself

EVIL LAUGH, I HAVE RUINED YOUR PERFECT CREATIONjavascript:void(0);

Also here is a joke

7 mice die and go up to heaven, after a week god asks
 "do you want anything" the mice reply
"it would be nice if we had rollerskates to move around faster." so god gives them rollerskates.
A cat dies and goes up to heaven after a week god asks the same thing e asked to the mice, the cat says.
"no I'm just fine with those meals on wheels you've been sending me"

YAY worst joke everjavascript:void(0);
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Yarrik on February 16, 2009, 12:28:38 AM
Octopie would taste gross!  ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Bitter Old Man on March 30, 2009, 04:09:58 AM
Recently the Polish army requisition bureau purchased 15,000 USA made septic tanks. As soon as they have learned how to drive them, Poland intends to invade Russia.

(No offense to anyone polish intended.)
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: The Procrastinator on March 30, 2009, 04:48:11 AM
Chuck norris doesn't do push ups, he does world downs.  8)

cheers
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Cortez on April 20, 2009, 03:33:31 AM
3 blondes walk into a bar.

You think the third one would have ducked.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: NewHeretic on May 22, 2009, 06:41:00 PM
Sorry if I'm repeating a joke, but only had time to get throught the first three pages of this thread.  Will catch up later.  Please enjoy these:

Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one;
Michael J. Fox's is rather small;
Mickey Mouse has a somewhat unusual one;
Liberachi never uses his;
Bill Clinton uses his all the time;
Madonna doesn't have one.

What is it?

  A string walks into a bar.  The bartender snarls at him, "We don't serve strings in here!"  Furious, the string steps outside, ties himself up, messes up his hair, and calmly walks back into the bar.
  Suspiciously, the bartender says to the string, "Aren't you a string?"  To which the string indignantly replies, "I'm a frayed knot!"

Q:  How do you make Holy Water?
A:  You boil the hell out of it.

Q:  What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant coming?
A:  Here comes the elephant.
Q:  Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
A:  So they can hide in cherry trees between 2:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon.
Q:  What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
A:  An elephant is grey and a plum is purple.
Q:  Why are pigmies so short?
A:  Because they stand under the cherry trees between 2:00 and 4:00 in the afternoon.
Q:  What did Jane say when she saw the elephant coming?
A:  Here comes the plum.  She was color-blind, y' know.

Q:  How do you catch a polar bear?
A:  You cut a hole in the ice and surround the circle with peas.  Now, run and hide, watching from a safe distance.  When the polar bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.

Q:  What kind of cheese isn't your?
A:  Nacho cheese.

Three blondes walk into a bar.  Their brunette friend ducks.

A blonde was walking along the side of a river when she sees another blonde walking toward her on the opposite side.  The first blonde yells to the second blonde, "How do you get to the other side?"  The second blonde yells back, "You are on the other side."

NewHeretic

Edited for spelling.  NH
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Awfully Dandy on May 23, 2009, 03:22:42 PM
I came up with this. NB may cause offence.

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender: "why the long face?
Horse : "I have cancer"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Sir_Godspeed on May 27, 2009, 09:03:07 AM
Sorry if I'm repeating a joke, but only had time to get throught the first three pages of this thread.  Will catch up later.  Please enjoy these:

Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one;
Michael J. Fox's is rather small;
Mickey Mouse has a somewhat unusual one;
Liberachi never uses his;
Bill Clinton uses his all the time;
Madonna doesn't have one.

What is it?

Last name. :)

A man was going to church one day and asked his friend, who had not been to church in a long time to accompany him. After some back and forth, the friend decided to go with him.
While in church, the priest approaches him;
"My son, why don't you ever come her anymore? Aren't you a part of the Lord's army?"
The man smiles and answers; "Oh, but I am, father."
"Oh, howso?" the priest asks.
The man looks around, then leans closer and whispers;
"I'm in the secret service, father."

:P
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Archaon on May 27, 2009, 11:46:21 AM
A couple of bad jokes I heard. I may be repeating a previous one but I couldn't be bothered to read back further than last year...  ;D

Why cant necrons play music in church?
Cos they don't have any organs!

Why can't necrons smile?
Cos they're dead serious!

Why are graveyards so noisy?
Becuase there are necrons coming up out of the ground and eviscerating people with their gauss weapons.....   yeah....
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: NewHeretic on May 29, 2009, 06:04:36 PM
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one;
Michael J. Fox's is rather small;
Mickey Mouse has a somewhat unusual one;
Liberachi never uses his;
Bill Clinton uses his all the time;
Madonna doesn't have one.

What is it?

Last name. :)

Very good, Sir_Godspeed.  :)

Here's another:

What is greater than God,
More Evil than the Devil,
Rich people need it,
Poor people have it,
And, if you eat it, it will kill you?

Note, more 5 year-olds answer this question correctly than do adults.  ;)

NewHeretic
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: dragonclaw15 on May 29, 2009, 06:11:21 PM
"nothing". I'd continue this but I am awful with jokes.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Thalandir on June 2, 2009, 07:28:16 AM
I had to google that to figure it out, NewHeretic  :(

Damn I feel stupid....

~Thal
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: NewHeretic on June 2, 2009, 03:35:19 PM
Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll ya have, Rene?"
Descartes answers, "I don't think..." and promptly disappears.

NewHeretic

Edit: I just knew I'd misspell Descartes.  :)  NH
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Dr. Ravingburger on June 3, 2009, 06:52:52 PM
No idea if this was used before, but:

2 men are trying to join the CIA. The recruiter tells them that the final test is to gfo into the next room and shoot their wife, who is waiting in the room. The first man enters, then leaves exclaiming "I can't do this!" The second man walks in, and leaves some time later, out of breath. He exclaims "The damn gun was loaded with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: The_Gerv on July 7, 2009, 03:59:55 AM
A blonde walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for this TV?"

The owner looks at her and responds, "Ma'am, we've had a history of problems with blonde customers. Therefore we exercise our right to refuse service to anyone, specifically blondes."

The woman stomps out in a huff. She goes to a wig shop and gets a black wig. She puts on the wig and returns to the appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for this TV?"

The owner responds again, "Ma'am, we've had a history of problems with blonde customers. Therefore we exercise our right to refuse service to anyone, specifically blondes."

The woman stares at him, and finally says, "Well, I'm not a blonde. I have black hair. See?"

The owner looks at her, and says, "Ma'am, I know you have blonde hair."

The woman tears off the wig and demands, "How did yu know? Was my hair showing through the wig?"

"No ma'am," the man responds. He points to the appliance the woman is holding, "But that's a microwave."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: burgers4me on July 8, 2009, 06:18:03 AM
Knock Knock
Whoes there?
No-one!
No-one who?
....


:D
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Sir Sam Vimes on July 8, 2009, 07:56:54 AM
Three squats go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the beslubber out of here."

(I think we've all seen that epic movie ;))
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: alerion on August 10, 2009, 05:11:39 PM
(this is a bit adult and might get removed)

when a blue whale ejaculates it ejaculates 30,000 sperm and only 10% of it entres the female whale, and you wonder why the sea is so salty.  ;D
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Mr. Dashington on August 11, 2009, 05:14:03 PM
hehe I heard that one the other night on a Dave re-run of Jack Dee live at the Apollo


This, too, is adult:


What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

*When you hit it the mosquito stops sucking*
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Boar on August 21, 2009, 12:23:16 AM
Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Porsche?

A: I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Only Slightly Crazy on September 2, 2009, 07:22:15 PM
Heres some for those that use Vista, or any other Windows system.
Mac users swear by their Macs, Windows users swear AT their windows.

"Windows 98 had detected that you moved your mouse. would you like to reboot to implement this change?"

Back of a Windows manual: If you have any problems, feel free to mail us at 666 WorshipBill Street, Commoragh. (sorry if misspelled.)
 (edit)
Just came up with one!
What's black, blue, red all over, and hates me? :-\

(the people in my raider!!! ;D)
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Adarachir on October 12, 2009, 12:46:43 AM
Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.

Badum-tish.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Rigged Dice on October 21, 2009, 03:23:29 AM
Q: What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?

A: Dam


Q: What's the funniest vegetable?

A: The lolive
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Dead-Head Jenkinsons on December 12, 2009, 01:18:19 PM
Nit: It's raining cats and dogs
Wit: I know, I just stepped in a poodle


Salesman: That suit fits you like a glove
Customer: Can you show me one that fits like a suit?

 8)
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Sayt on December 15, 2009, 02:24:08 AM
"Photons have Mass? I didn't even know they were catholic...."

"Stirlitz opened a door. The lights went on. Stirlitz closed the door. The lights went out. Stirlitz opened the door again. The light went back on. Stirlitz closed the door. The light went out again. "It's a fridge," concluded Stirlitz."

"An Officer falls asleep on a duty, right in front of the Big Sniney Burtton.  Later, after the officer wakes up, a Colonel comes in and the  officer reports: "During my watch nothing has happened, Comrade Colonel!", and the Colonel Replies: "Nothing's happened you say?!  Nothing's happened?! Then where the hell is Belgium?!!"

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Awfully Dandy on January 18, 2010, 08:46:13 AM
I got one (It is okay to post in this topic?)

A man goes to join Al qaeda as a suicide bomber. The interviewer ask him if he has any pior experience.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Nomsheep, the Modhunter. on January 30, 2010, 04:15:16 PM
21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1.      I prefer breasts to legs

2.      Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3.      Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4.      If I don’t undo my trousers, I’ll burst!

5.      I’ve never seen a better spread!

6.      I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

7.      Are you ready for seconds yet?

8.      It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9.      Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

10.     Don’t play with your meat.

11.     Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12.     Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at
once?

13.     I didn’t expect everyone to come at the same time!

14.     You still have a little bit on your chin.

15.     How long will it take after you put it in?

16.     You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17.     Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18.     That’s the biggest bird I’ve ever had!

19.     I’m so full; I’ve been gobbling nuts all morning

20.     Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that and still want
more!

21.     I do like a good stuffing.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Anecdotal Rabbit on February 2, 2010, 06:40:37 PM
A post without a joke is considered SPAM!

If you get an E-Mail from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of Swine Flu... Ignore it, It's just Spam.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: zaery on February 17, 2010, 11:49:59 AM
What ethnicity is a baby if it's parents are:
1)Icelandish and Cuban
2)Hollandish(sp?) and Philipino
3)French and Greek


Answers, colored white so it's hard to peek, highlight them to see:
1)Ice Cube
2)Hollapino
3)Freek
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Satanic Joker Jester on March 24, 2010, 10:37:22 PM
A man went to a police officer to report that hed encountered many people acting like owls, the officer found it odd, but asked who? The man promptly yelled ' OH NO! NOT ANOTHER ONE!!'

 Hekekekeke ;D revel in it, and love it
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Yarrik on April 5, 2010, 12:29:39 AM
This is pretty bad, veiwer discretion is advised.

Man survives unharmed in a  Lawn mower accident, War Amps Stumped
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Nomsheep, the Modhunter. on September 19, 2010, 04:08:17 PM
First of all, - just for some background: My mom died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's beslubbered up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.

Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was a hottie.

I don't want to go into too many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so beslubbering beautiful that I watched it twice. I probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy amphetamine parrot went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).

Sooo... I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.

My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to beslubber her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her... and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.

After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.

Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.

My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was beslubbered up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.

Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart... and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever beslubbering seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.

A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.

But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party... my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.




**********************


My job is so beslubbering unbelievable. I’ll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career oppertunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m not sure she even showers, much less shaves her “womanly” parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the beslubbering stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I’m sure after work. He probably hasn’t been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and to make things worse, he brings his big beslubbering dog to work. Every beslubbering day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single beslubbering day.

Anyway, I drive these beslubbertards around in my van and we solve mysteries and amphetamine parrot.



Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Rakuall on November 24, 2010, 06:48:08 PM
What's the difference between a Yankee and a Quickie?
(You need two for a quickie.)

What do you have if you're holding two little green balls?
(Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.)

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
(The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.)
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Saracenar on December 16, 2010, 08:16:11 AM
@The clinically insane one: That first joke of yours, I was like "is this supposed to be here, in the joke thread? I mean what the hell? That's sounding pretty bad. Oh, man. And then I read the last sentence. So good. Congrats on that one. You got me, lol.

Anyway, in order to prevent this being marked spam:

There are 10 types of people in the world...those who understand binary and those who don't.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Seraph Tenacious on February 17, 2011, 02:42:43 AM
A priest, a rabbi and a witch doctor walk into a bar. They're good friends despite their different beliefs.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: CheesyRobMan on February 17, 2011, 04:41:21 AM
Two hunters are in the woods, and one of them collapses - he's unconscious and not breathing. His mate phones 999 and gasps "My friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator replies "Calm down, sir, let's make sure he is actually dead first." There is silence, then a shot, then the guy comes back on the phone and says "OK, what next?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Guildmage Arcas on February 25, 2011, 12:14:43 PM
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Commissar ShoutY on February 25, 2011, 01:31:35 PM
Q)what do you say to a scouser in a suit?
a)will the defendant please rise.

women. their only good for two things before sex. after it they can do anything!

what do you call a guardsman with accuracy? loaded dice.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: skoops6 on October 6, 2011, 05:57:38 AM
Attention, If you do not like swearing, stop reading now, I don't want to offend anyone. anyways...

so there's this man who has a speech impediment, and he needed to go shopping
so first of all he goes into the baker and says " could I please have a bum?'
the baker replies, "I'm sorry sir?"
the man then says " you know, a bum"
"oh, you mean a bun! here you go sir"
so the man goes on his way, and heads into the hardware store
he says to the clerk "could I please get a beslubberet?"
"i'm sorry sir, I don't really know what you mean" says the clerk
the man says "a beslubberet, like the thing you put water in, you know?"
"oh a bucket" said the clerk "here you go"
so the man keeps going till he gets to the pet store
he goes in and says to the breeder "I would like to buy your finest cockenspankit"
"sir, I dont think I grasp your meaning" says the breeder
"the dog breed, cockenspankit?"
" Oh, of course, a cockerspanial. here you go sir"
so the mans walking along with his shopping, when his dog runs off
so the man turns to a nearby police officer and says
"can you hold my bum and beslubberit while I go catch my cockenspankit?"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Nomsheep, the Modhunter. on November 1, 2011, 06:16:01 AM
WARNING: worst joke ever (With the exception of the black and white marine ordeal)

Q. Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

A. Where you left him!

I did warn you.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: blinky jungle(REM) on August 12, 2012, 06:12:37 PM
Rules for survival in life

1) Never call your armed girlfriend/wife freemartin (especially if that is a retort for something they did in bed)
2) Never stand next to someone who is calling their armed girlfriend/wife freemartin
3) ...or their relatives
4) If you've managed rules 1-3 then you've thought of enough situations that you can wing the rest

If you've failed rules 1-3, or plan to in the near future, then make sure that you communicate with them over long distances such as texting, emailing or shouting very loudly; in that case use rule five:

5) The your partner is armed and you just called her freemartin; fake ID and an escape plan are necessary tools for survival.



Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Fire at Will on August 12, 2012, 06:45:15 PM
BEFORE YOU READ ON: Please do not be offended by this joke, it is meant merely in jest.

The worlds first reverse exorcism was recently completed in Ireland. The mother had to put the devil into her son, to get the priest out.



On this side is a museum, and if you think that'll bore you to death, there's a cemetery on the other side.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Nomsheep, the Modhunter. on August 18, 2012, 01:31:31 PM
definitely not nsfw.

It takes a brave man to swim in the red seas, It takes a legend to drink from them.

Nom
Title: 40K list 'o jokes
Post by: The Unseenly Invincible on April 10, 2013, 04:48:37 AM
As this forums... heh heh... unofficial and unclaimed joker... (apologies. Puns were never a strong spot of mine), I'd like to see if people have any of these 40K jokes. Moderators, please spank if I'm going too far.

Jo Mamma list.

1. Jo mamma so fat, it took a whole Forge World to build her ass.

2. Jo mamma so old, she signed the Emperor's yearbook.

3. Jo mamma so fat, she thought Heavy Support meant she'd get more benefits.


Soviet Russia (ala, one that I made up myself).

In Soviet Russia, Guardsman kills you.


And guess were this got ripped off from...

Daemons can posses people, but Sly Marbo posses' daemons.


That's all I can think of... for now.
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Mr.Peanut (Turtleproof) on September 21, 2013, 09:59:13 AM
The day after I saw the image below, a German friend of mine asked me:

Q: What is the price of ear piercing for a pirate?

A: A buccaneer.

(https://www.40konline.com/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FDMo8JO1.jpg&hash=95b705a82671e9cd347a6857f21824414373393f)
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Calamity on March 6, 2015, 07:05:15 PM
A man got hit in the head with a soda can, but he's alright because it was only a soft drink.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?  It's okay.  He woke up.

Instead of calling the toilet 'the John', I call it 'the Jim'.  That way it sounds better when I tell people that the first thing I do in the morning is go to the Jim for 20 minutes.

Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: faitherun (Fay-ith-er-run) on March 7, 2015, 03:43:52 AM
A very rich man was on his death bed, and he wanted to disprove the notion that "you can't take it with you when you die".  So he called together his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

"Gentlemen," he said to them, "I am giving each of you a brief case with $50 million in it. When I die, I want you to drop the case on my casket as they bury me."

The three men soberly agreed to do just this.

A few weeks later, the man died, and as requested all dropped  their brief cases onto the casket before it was buried.  Afterwards, they gathered together for some drinks.

"I have a confession to make, "the priest says after a little while. " we had a parishioner's house burn down, they lost everything... I may have removed two million and given it to them to help them recover. I know it's not what was asked of us, but I couldn't help seeing their need "

The doctor cleared his voice and spoke up then, " Yes, we'll um.. See the hospital needed funds to finish the new wing, and we were $10 million short, so I may have, um, procured some from the brief case as well. I know it's wrong but the lives we can now save... Well I'm sure he'd understand."

The lawyer stood up, and took a long look at his two companions. "I am ashamed of you both. I threw in a personal check for the full amount"
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: Sir_Godspeed on March 18, 2015, 05:25:00 PM
This is from Facebook:

Friend: "The theology majors are all out on campus looking for a female student to become their wife, and their church's unpaid second pastor, or their unpaid mission assistant."

Me: "There's a joke in here about the missionary position, but I can't wrap my legs around it."
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: volatilegaz on March 19, 2015, 04:55:42 AM
Q. Why did the programmer confuse Halloween with Christmas?
A. Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

and Rick Astley's first single:

while (1){ }
you.GiveUp();
you.LetDown();
around.Run() && you.Desert();
you.MakeCry();
goodbye.Say();
lie.Tell() && you.Hurt();
Title: Re: Joke Thread!
Post by: JamesGoblin on February 18, 2016, 08:32:22 AM
Policeman to car-driving blonde: "Does your signal light work?"

Blonde (stretches through the window): "It does...it does not...does...does not...".