'How To Be A Good Poster'
For Dummies
Welcome to ''How To Be A Good Poster' For Dummies'. Are you a clueless n00b? Perhaps you're experienced but only semi-literate and badly educated? Or maybe you're a good-natured doormat who's sick of being on the receiving end all the time? Well look no further. This series of lessons will help you, the slobbering moron, become a really great poster like me. These lessons will be released weekly, and each one will cover a different aspect of forum interaction. At the end of the 'semester', you will have increased confidence, a better capacity for facts, a better debating technique, and will be ready to earn the respect of everyone else on the forum (the hard way if need be).
So, without wasting any more time, on with the show.LESSON 1: AttitudeAttitude is all-important, as it is for everything in life. Go into something with the wrong attitude, and you fail miserably. You need to train the mind before you train everything else.
The right attitude for Internet forums is really simple:
1. You are never wrong, in any sense, and your posts must reflect this.
2. Anyone who disagrees with you is wrong, in every sense, and should be told so.
3. Technique is more important than facts.
4. Never, ever, give in. Ever.
1) The first rule is all about self-belief. You're only wrong if you think you are! You
must accept that you are absolutely and unquestionably right in all matters factual, practical, moral and philosophical. You must never fall prey to self-doubt, because then you're just fighting yourself. Your every post should be
swimming in self-belief so that everyone can see it. Self-belief makes other people all the more likely to accept the truth of your words. Never ever doubt the absolute rightness of your own views and actions, no matter what 'evidence' other people falsely present against you. This is the most important rule by far. I want you to do something for me right now: I want you to type out 100 times "I AM ALWAYS RIGHT!" in capital letters, without cheating by using copy+paste. I want you to roar out each line as you type it, bellowing the words as loudly as possible, thumping your own chest like a gorilla on Angel Dust, letting the truth of it flow through you like an orgasm. Do it now! And when you are done, sit back and bask in the afterglow. Feels good, doesn't it? That afterglow will never fade, as long as you keep up an inpenetrable wall of self-belief!
2) You are always right, ergo, anyone who disagrees must be wrong. Not just wrong, but usually
completely wrong in every aspect. Suppose someone questions your views on a subject. You must consider that this isn't just due to a 'factual' dispute (which they obviously have wrong anyway), but also because of that person's other underlying defects. Obviously, it is practically certain that they are stupid, if not literally retarded. It is also highly likely that they have a personal vendetta against you, or people like you. They probably have psychological reasons for disagreeing too. For example, people who are in favour of gun control are all pussies and cowards. People who are in favour of gun liberalization are all badly-endowed posers or sociopaths. You must think about these things, and point them out to help undermine the other person. It's the holistic approach to argument.
Remember: everyone who diagrees with you sucks, no exceptions. Don't waste time being charitable to them, they don't deserve it. They are bad for the Internet, wantonly spreading misinformation and bad habits. Show them no mercy. The best thing you can do for them is to tell them the truth. It is possible - barely, but just possible - that they might realize their faults and try to reform themselves, so you'd have done them a favour. After all, most are completely ignorant of their flaws. Behold:
- They think they are: Funny and light-hearted, with a snappy wit and good sense of humour. The forum joker.
- What they really are: A smartmouth, spamming up threads with crap jokes and insulting their betters, wasting everyone's time with their inability to have any kind of serious discussion.
- They think they are: Well-informed, logical, always civil, a reliable giver of information and corrector of mistakes.
- What they really are: A stuck-up Boy Snide's Outrageously Shiny Leather and PVC clad Soul Train. Robotic and entirely devoid of personality, their only joy is to use lots of long-words and spew out 'facts' to demonstrate their 'intellect' to everyone else.
- They think they are: The nice guy, the one that likes using the
smiley to make people feel good, and always takes care not to offend people.
- What they really are: One of three things: A smarmy ass-kisser desperate for the love denied to them in the real world; a Tremultuous O who's terrified of making someone angry, even if they live thousands of miles away; a sarcastic prick who thinks he's too subtle to be seen for what he is.
- They think they are: One of the lads. Just an average poster.
- What they really are: Ignorant, illiterate filth. These 'average' people are the TXT-talking, AOLiterate, trend-whore, meme-sucking brainless bulk of humanity, and they are the reason why humanity is such a huge pile of beslubbering amphetamine parrot.
As you can see, it's safe to assume that anyone with whom you have crossed words is begging to have their character insulted and to be verbally humiliated until they accept your truth. (Be sure to work within forum rules as much as is necessary - you don't want to get banned. I will explain the specifics of dealing with Moderators and forum rules in a later Lesson.)
3) Technique, aka 'style', is king. People aren't convinced by facts, or else there wouldn't be billions of people trying to beg favours from invisible supernatural beings every day, or voting for tough-talking politicians who have all the intelligence and sagacity of a boiled potato. That's why you need to pick a style that reflects your truthiness, your absolute gut-instinct rightness that is without fault. The specifics of technique will be handled in a later Lesson - for now, just be aware that the style is paramount, and that everything else comes second. Get used to that idea, absorb it into your conciouness so that it becomes second nature.
4) Being right is often a plain old endurance contest. Remember: people who are wrong are also flawed, and a very common flaw is weakness and cowardice. People who are wrong will usually slink away from a thread never to return if you defeat them comprehensively. When people say things like "This argument is pointless" or "It's obvious you can't understand why you're wrong, so I'm leaving" or "You are a complete beslubbering waste of time, and couldn't even take a amphetamine parrot without an instruction manual, I am so much better than this", they are really just saying 'I give up, and now I'm running away'. Only of course, they don't have the guts to admit it openly. Which is really just another victory for you, another indication that you were right and are of superior character! Good for you! A win through endurance is one of the sweetest kinds, because it's all about that
inner strength. And where does inner strength come from? That's right - attitude!
So there you have it - attitude's four key elements to successful Internet posting. They work well in real life too. To quickly re-cap: You = Right, They = Wrong, Style > Facts, and Giving Up = Loser. Endurance, self-belief and scorn for the terminally wrong are what it's all about. Keep this attitude firmly at the front of your mind and you won't go wrong.
I guarantee it!
Until the next Lesson, stay strong!
