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Author Topic: Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story  (Read 725 times)

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Offline -=Abyss=-

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Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story
« on: January 12, 2005, 06:45:18 AM »
 Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge

Prologue:
Cedutuni walk across the smooth floor, running his slender finger on the smooth rune, the touch entwined his presence, the rune shot up to life, he slowly spoke in Eldar language

"Atherakhia o Anaris....no this can not be the fate of our kin..."

Young Warlock Zhis slowly walked into the chamber, amazed by the tranquility, he approached Ceduntuni, before he could properly approach him, he stood and spoke calmly

"Ah Zhis you are questioning the tide of events are you not?"

"Yes Cedutuni, what of Zenice Prime? is our kin safe?"

Cedutuni turned slowly to face him as her voice became cold

"Ruins speak Atherakhia o anaris...this means the destruction of the Zenice, I sense the horde is slowly approaching planet, however I cannot be sure, the mists of space and time are retreating from my mind."

"But can you not see into the future Cedutuni?"

"The future is always clouded and uncertain young kin....you must learn this and always be prepared, if we fail to defend this world we will be closer to extinction..."

Zhis gave a bow, and lowered his head as a sign of respect

"You wisdom is undaunted, I am sorry for being so foolish."

She turned and gave him a smile, as he raised his head to meet her eyes

"It is better to learn now, you are becoming a young seer, now what is it you came here to report?"

"Cedutuni our rangers have spotted the orks advancing around the planets surface, this could mean the start of a invasion...they are awaiting orders..."

"Tell them to retreat back to the city, we must not waste our lives, The time for war is nigh, we must cleanse them of their pathetic existence, send our kin down to deal with these vile beasts, I want you to be there to guide them."

Zhis bowed in the honor of leading the war host

"Thank you Cedutuni I'll be off"

"May Khanie guide you're blade"

Zhis slowly walked off the Chamber and to the Webway assembly, where the Black Guardians waited for orders. As he stepped to the assembly line

"The time for war is nigh my kin, the time to strike the Orkead, they have dwelled in sacred lands for too long, we will strike them and cut a swathe in there plans."

The Guardians chanted with Zhis, as the webway began hum, a portal grew as the sound became louder, then with a burst the portal opens.

"Now my kin to battle!"

The Guardians and Zhis loaded into the wave serpent and shot into the webway. While in in the Serpent it was cold and clammy, Zhis held his spear bestowed to him from Cedutuni with tight grip.

The serpent lurched forward even faster, a light shrouded the interior then was a endless field of snow and slush, Fenice Prime the beautiful ice world, the Wave Serpent landed. The Doors surged opened, as Zhis stepped outside the winds of Fenice blew it's sweet scent into his helmet, he felt calm. However remembering his task the he and the guardians followed the rangers into the crystal forest.

"Come my kin here lies the enemy..."

They cautiously moved into place, the Scorpions right behind them stood ready as the frontal assault, The orkeads where loud and intoxicated the air with their foul stench all over they could hear shouts and screaming of foul tongue, One shout pierced Zhis's ear.

"I 'MELL "OMETHINKS HER"E AND IT AINT ORKY!"

He heard Cedutuni's words pour into his mind, with barely a whisper

"The time for attack is nigh"

The Scorpions Jumped and leaped down gracefully as the frontal assault, as soon as the orks spotted with ease

"WAAAGGGGGHHHHH DEM ELDAR ARE HEREZ!!!!"

Before the ork could finish a shrunken tore through his head, as blood exploded everywhere, the stench was unbearable,

"Strike!"

The Guardians stormed forward in and launched a volley of Shrunken into the orks, many tore through their crude armor with ease, the surviving orks soon engaged the Scorpions, the laser from the sophisticated mandi-blasster shot a beam with shot a whole into the ork's hand causing it to wail in pain, while this second lasted, the Scorpion twirled and activated it's Chainsword, then with one swift motion lunged it into the ork's head, the Chainsword tore through the flesh, every blade ripped through the orks flesh and blood spilled all over the blade, staining it as if it were a carpet and grape juice were to spill on it. However the orks managed to strike back, one of the ork lifted his crude chopa and gouged off the scorpion's hand, he wailed in pain and kicked the ork, but with another swoop the scorpions leg was torn off, he fell and bled to death, however he was soon to be avenged by the rest, they clashed into the orks, the lasers ripped through the orks.

"Khanie guide our blades!"

Zhis surged into the maelstrom, and threw his spear at a nob, the spear punctured into the heart cause internal bleeding form the inside, soon the ork gouged out blood and fell to it's death, the ork's clumsy movement was easily avoided, the scorpion ducked and ripped off the orks arm with the chainsword, soon there was nothing left but a messy pile of dead orks, the stench was worse then before. A noise caught Zhis's ear, he turned and spotted two orks attempting to run, he quietly chanted and soon his hand began to light up, and he raised his hand and red lightning spewed from his hand, the psychic energy tore thought the orks flesh leaving four halves of body parts seared onto the snow.

"It is done, the orks here have been cleansed, burn the buildings to the ground".

___________________ ___________________ ________________
What do you think? this is based on the campaign me and my friend are doing!
« Last Edit: January 12, 2005, 04:48:44 PM by Angel's Saphire »
Index Astartes Litanies Verse 1:13: TO ME MY BROTHERS!

Offline Unreal Tiger

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Re: Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2005, 12:34:03 PM »
Hmmm that could have been nice but it has way too many spelling and grammatical errors.

Some of these include Khanie which is spelt Khaine, Prolouge - Prologue, Gurdians - Guardians. And the Ork speech isn't too great either it looks like you just put comma's in every now and then. All in all if you went through it and cleaned up all of the spelling and grammatical errors this story would get a whole lot better fast.

I wish you better fortune in your future forays into the world of fluff writing though, as this could have been nice if it was cleaned up a bit before you posted it.
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Offline -=Abyss=-

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Re: Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2005, 04:48:20 PM »
Ok I'll change it a bit, I'm working on part one,

EDIT: Revised
Index Astartes Litanies Verse 1:13: TO ME MY BROTHERS!

Offline Commissar Bryn

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Re: Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story
« Reply #3 on: February 3, 2005, 02:46:46 PM »
It seems you really like the word nigh, and the phrase  Khaine guide our blades. It seems you might have been playing to much DOW."The time for war is nigh..." etc. etc. Other then that, a really good read.

Offline Artanis Kilarion

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Re: Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story
« Reply #4 on: February 9, 2005, 09:16:55 AM »
a good read, tho i agree wit the other two comments, especially bout the errors, but once they are sorted, this wud be really good. R u plannin on finishing it, or carrying it on? Well dun tho.


MoSsY

Offline Eagle of the Stars

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Re: Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story
« Reply #5 on: February 9, 2005, 08:48:29 PM »
I doubt the orks would refer to the Eldar by that name... Maybe 'pointies' or 'pointy 'eads'.
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Offline TheScorpion

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Re: Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2005, 11:26:30 PM »
Pointy'eads is a good one. We also like Ulderz. The Ork speech is a little random, make it more uniform if you're gonna mess with it.
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Offline The Silent

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Re: Fight for Zenice Prime: Prolouge A Eldar vs Ork story
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2005, 10:27:14 PM »
what can i say its already been said.  to many (expletive deleted) repetitions in your wording apart from that interesting oh yeah to manny spilling arrors <---- what can i say more ????????????????

keep on writing though you will get better
Do Gods Die? Everything else has a lifespan why not Gods? If I was a God I suppose I'd know.........  Oh well.

 


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