I've been recently aspiring to make an ork collection, and decided to get into the swing of things by deciding how I interpret ork thinking...
There was a hum, the snapping sound of the badly-welded door opening, and the splatter of a rather surprised, but acceptably flat, gretchin. Two nobs and a mekboy saunted into the pub. After a brief fuss and a final choppa hitting someone on the head, the remainder of the orks hustled out to continue with their business elsewhere.
The two nobs and the mekboy belonged to the owners of this planet, the starport of the Blakk Freebootaz, and astoundingly they, for the ork at least, were the council of Ork War n' Fee-lo-so-fee (dammnit long 'umie words). This probably came from the fact that, unlike other ork clans which enjoyed fast vehicles and red paint, or maybe stealing and blue paint, the Blakk Freebootaz of Ork War n' Fee-lo-so-fee (dammnit long 'umie words) Councill had found this new thing to endorse themselves in, and it was called
critical thinking. It must be admited that they quite liked it.
The Ork War 'n Fee-lo-se-fee (dammnit long 'umie words) Councill had probably started after Skattabrainz, the mekboy, had decided that he wanted da ladz to be slightly more orginised, and herebys met with his commandaz, in, er, chief fink, Bangbuz and Thusky to organise a
proper ork week, and name all the days, like the 'umies did. This had lead to a bit of an argument as everyone had different ideas, however everyone liked Orkday. It was therefore soon settled that there will be, um eight or ten, depending on now the, um, thing in the sky moves (this was a space hulk, not the sun, orks know what a sun is, stupid), and each day of the week would be called Orkday. It was, after all, easy to remember, and you didn't have to remember whether this week had eight or ten days, it just did, and that's what matter. The three had also later agreed that on Orkday they would meet and do that very interesting thing of
critical thinking.
Of course, it isn't to say that orks didn't have a way of critical thinking, they did, and it usually revolved around choppas, perhaps shootaz, and the noisiest (therefore fastest) engine you could lay your hands on. The Ork War 'n Fee-lo-so-fee (dammnit long 'umie words) Council, however preferred doing it the proper way. That was to sit down with a good root and fungus beer, and talk.
“Dat be, nine teef for nine drinkz,” said the barork. The offical trandition for the Ork War 'n Fee-lo-se-fee (dammnit long 'umie words) Councill was to buy three drinks each. All
proper fee-lo-so-feests needed a proper tradition, didn't they?
“Nine yer say?” replied Bangbuz bluntly, “how much yer got?”
The barork shrugged. “Hadn't counted. But more den nine, bet's yer on dat.”
“Good.” Bangbuz fist caught the barork in the mouth. Nine teef scattered onto the counter.
“There yer go.”
The barork perhaps looked pensive, scooped up its teef, and grumbled something as it walked away.
“Now, as I was sayin',” Bangbuz took a gulp from his jar, “I never kenned why wez called der 'Blakk Freebootaz'. I mean, terminologigally fink way of speakin', ain't we der 'Green Freebootaz'? Got dat accuracy fink.”
Bangbuz's comment was met with thoughtful nods from Skattabrainz and Tusky.
“Wellz, I suppose dat 'Blakk Freebootaz' got dat psykerlogical bit to it,” said Skattabrains.
“Don't ken,” said Tusky.
“I mean, sure, it ain't all accuracy and dat, but don't it sound a bit stoopid when yer come ter fink of it? I mean, if yer wanted accuracy, yer'd call us der 'Green 'uminanoid Freebootaz with der pointy bits and ain't enuf dakka for der ork standardz and gopplas ter clout.' Now
dat's accuracy, but still, it's quiter mouthfull, yer ken? 'Blakk Freebootaz' got dat
methamorfical bit to it.”
“Ah, yer,
metamorfical is good,” admitted Bangbuz.
“And it's not someting stoopid like der 'umies or pointy eared gitz call their finks. I mean, I always though
Succabus was der demon fink and it had der,” Tusky scrateched his crania, “fink dat started with... er.... Point bein' dat der pointy eared git onez don't 'ave it with yer. Or do dey?” Tusky looked perhaps a bit worried, but this was more of a side thought.
“Yer,” agreed Skattabrainz, “we ain't called someting stoopid like 'Pink Panzee Freebootaz' or someting. Just stand's ter
reason.”
“It could be used for der counta-psykerology.”
The comment by Bangbuz seemed to stun both Skattabrainz and Tusky.
“Yer... what?”
“Counta-psykerology, yer ken? Yer see, we callz ourselvez der 'Pink Panzee Freebootaz,' right...”
“But dat don't stand ter
reason!”
“... and den, wez shout out der name at der 'umine gitz, and dey laughz and laughz and laughz, until wez already krumpin'. Saves der inconveience fink around der cannonz and wallz and runnin' and thingz.”
The logic, Skatterbrainz and Tusky, did have to admit, wasn't stupid.
“Yer, but what if der tricksy 'umies are using der counta-counta psykerology?” suggested Tusky.
“Dey are tricksy,” said Skattabrainz thoughtfully.
“I mean, wez do as Bangbuz said, but den, turn's out ter be against us, 'cos der 'umines got their dimension bomb fink hidden somewhere were wez can't see it, so wez runnin' and runnin', and they laughin' and laughin', and den wez halfway, but den BOOM!”
Tusky slammed his fist into the counter so hard that a gretchin cleaning mugs fell off.
“Wez all gone.”
Skattabrainz and Bangbuz were nodding their agreement.
“Yer, but what if wez tricksy
er and wez use counta-counta-
counta psykerology, ey, didn't fink of dat, did they?” said Skattabrainz after a while. “Yer see, der day before wez get krumpin', we get dem sneaksy... um, finks, to give der dimension bomb fink a good smak. So, der next day, wez runnin' and dey's laughin', but den dey's laughin' no more, 'cos they pressin' der big red button, and it going click, click, click.
Den wez krumpin'.”
“What's der sneaksy finks?” said Bangbuz, as if helpfully.
“Um... Well, da 'umines do it, so why can't wez, ey?”
“Yeah, but 'umines like
cheatin'. If wez'd be
cheatin' den what's der point of der fightin'?”
“Well,” said Skattabrainz, “I fink it's like cheatin' to prevent der cheatin', yer ken. Wez only cheatin' to prevent der cheatin', right? Den wez krumpin'.”
“Yer, but yer missin' the point of dat we
needz sneaksy finks,” said Tusky.
“Well, 'ow about wez do it der 'umine way? Dey got der sneaksy Asszazinario Affocorim or somefink, so whyz can't we?” said Skattabrainz.
“Yer, but dat requires
fee-lo-zo-fee.”
“What are wez?”
“But they gots more Asszazinario 'umies den us! Dat ain't fair!”
“Den I fink wez need a, wossitname? Skool, or somefink... Yer, dat. I already gotz a name – I fink we'll call it der 'Bein' Sneaksy School, but with der fee-lo-so-fee'. Got dat
metamorfical fink to it, yer ken?”
The grins of the three orks brightened the room.
“Gobblaz! Getz us another, er, enuf, root n' fungus beerz, will yer?”
The barork gingerly put three canisters on the bench.
“Now,” said Bangbuz, “how much wez payin' yer?”
“Er... Free er charge,” said the barork rubbing it's jaw.
Here, it must be said that the ork has very little distinguishment between the “th” and the “f”, herebys making free either a statement making the charge zero, or, indeed, a number. Bangbuz in his careful nature decided to take it as the latter, and three teef landed on the counter...
Ah, and yes, C&C would be appreciated
