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Author Topic: An Infinite Circuitry of Fate  (Read 25753 times)

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Offline Felonix

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #40 on: July 8, 2008, 02:52:47 PM »
Knock me dumb for being a newbie to 40K, but I was confused for a bit at the start of each new plotline. It takes you a few paragraphs before you mention something that points out which faction you are writing about.

ex. Chapter 4. Sure, the names and description help to point you in the direction of Eldar, but it is Khaine at the end of the third paragraph that definitively clarifies without doubt.

ex. Chapter ten. It is only in the third paragraph that I knew you were talking about Tau because you mentioned gue'la. Nothing before that hints that you are writing on the Tau line.

Once you return to a line that you have already started, a name is usually mentioned earlier and so it is easier to pick out which one you are talking about. But keep that in mind if/when you write new plotlines.

On a positive note, your writing is excellent. A good balance between "normal" life and battlefield, and sufficient elaboration.

Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #41 on: July 8, 2008, 05:18:13 PM »
Thanks, Felonix. As for your complaint, I kind of intended it to be that way so people could wonder who I was writing about. Plus, I find hinting at it kind of adds something, like describing the character's features instead of saying "he's eldar" or something. Lol, that may have just sounded dumb, oh well, I hoped I explained that well :P. But I appreciate the advice and will be more careful about that when I do...

Well, here's another one! Got some questions about it at the end...

~~~~~
:Imperial Translation:

Location: Tarmathon IV- Eastern continent-
         
                       Northern region: Nowan grasslands
         
                        Shailon City: Category-Capital
         
                        Sector: South tourist district- Airport(Tau HQ in shailon)

Time: Day: Four-hundred and sixty: War for Tarmathon IV
                
                         10:29 A.M.-Day

         “Taskforce?” Or’es muttered beneath his breath, as if he couldn’t decipher the meaning of the words. He shifted in his chair restlessly, blinking as he found himself in the office he had been in mere hours ago. The only difference this time around being the dozen chairs surrounding him, each placed in different angles and occupied with grim faced Shas’Uis and ‘Vres of the Dy’nar cadre. The room was filled to the brimmed with armored warriors, many forced to stand round the door when they had ran out of seats.

   A wave of hushed, excited murmuring among the cadre flooded the office. Mun’dal remained completely silent, his hands cuffed beneath his chin as he leaned on his elbows against the smooth, mahogany surface of his desk. Inspecting the officers on the opposing side of his wooden desk, waiting patiently for the quiet chatter to die once more. Once it had, he resumed in a somber tone. “….Yes, a taskforce…”

               “Tell me, Or’es…” Mun’dal called out randomly to the first name that came to him. “Do you know how much of the city of Shailon has been liberated for the Tau’va?”
   
   The intensive silence mirrored the tension forming  in the room, steadily stirring into an invisible cloud that Or’es broke with a confident response to the question that had been asked. “Roughly half, Shas’El.”

   Mun’dal nodded knowingly, reclining in his seat before spinning round to gaze once more upon the mammoth map of Shailon he had posted over the entirety of the glass wall behind him. “Do you know what span of time it took to convert this achievement to reality?”

   “Nearly two months, Shas’El.” Or’es blurted it instinctively without thinking, but he was correct nonetheless. It was no secret…

   “Correct…”With a grunt of effort, Mun’dal pulled himself out his chair he had been sitting in for the better part of the day, stifling a groan as he stretched unused muscles. No sooner was he fully erected did he revert his view onto the officers of the Dy’nar cadre, not even flinching from the sight of a hundred eyes upon him. “Two months… out of half a year. Can anyone answer me when I ask, why is that so?”

   One of the officers from the entrance spoke out. “The Hadon channel.”

   “Exactly.” The Shas’El’s tone brightened a fraction. “The Hadon channel, a vast river -decs wide- that winds like a snake through Shailon’s heart and splits it completely in half. I could assume, that when Gue’la settlers had first occupied this city, Hadon served as the critical life line in sustaining their population.”

   Mun’dal kneeled to pick some invisible object lying beneath his desk, vanishing behind it momentarily before jutting into view again with a meter long, cylindered, wooden stick. He flipped it up to point toward a blaring, wavy blue line that streaked across the complex array of green lines that formed the city streets of the Gue’la city. “All across this river, numerous, expansive bridges linked the northern and southern halves of the city into one. As you all know, we crippled the last elements of Gue’la strike teams defending south Shailon just yesterday and they have fled in the direction of their stronghold that lies in the north. Unfortunately, a spearhead from the piratical Dark Eldar stalled us and, despite repelling them once more toward the outskirts, kept our forces from pursuing further. This has given the Gue’la more than enough time to destroy whatever bridges they still utilized for their own purposes, isolating themselves from the reach of even our weaponry.”

   Mun’dal swatted his stick against the river, emphasizing it out of everything else. “Along this river…are an expansive series of docks on either side and, though they no longer possess much of anything with importance, they still claim something that shall carry the oncoming assault. Here’s the plan…”

   “Imperials have fortified their entire side of the river bank with numerous installments of their crude and primitive anti-air weaponry. “Flak” cannons…or so they call it, despite their lacking technology, the sheer number of these weapons have made the option of aerial assault basically obsolete. That is why a taskforce has been called for.”

        Mun’dal raised a hand for all to see, raising how many fingers to match his next words. “Four cadres, one task force…and before you ask, yes, Dy’nar is among the chosen.”
   
           The Shas’El paused to let his last sentence sink in, letting the silence settle once more for a few moments before resuming. “Three objectives!” The abruptness of his shout tore everyone from their thoughts, causing many to jump and flinch at the harshness of it. Mun’dal ignored them as he continued. “Invade and clear Port Calines dock of hostiles and destroy all anti-air batteries.”

   “How do we get there without a drop ship? The bridges are blown.” One of the Shas’Ui toward the entrance spoke out suddenly.

   The Tau officer responded with a heavy sigh, then an answer. “As I have said, the docks in the southern riverbank still maintain something that will carry this assault forward. Gue’la fishing canoes, long, wooden boats, capable of holding a fire warrior team, are in more than enough in numbers to deliver the taskforce to the enemy.”

   The somber mood that was mounting in the office found itself instantly replaced with puzzlement and disbelief.

   “Command wants us to breach a fortified dock with fishing canoes?” A fire warrior chimed in, obviously skeptical of the call.

   “Let me finish.“  Mun’dal once more raised his hand to quiet the louder rumbles of discontent. “Quiet!… You will be riding under the cover of nightfall, you can‘t be detected on their radar systems, so they will have to discover you with eye sight, you shouldn‘t be too far off by then. You will be denied air support until those weapons are down, even then, I could not guarantee it. That and all heavy weaponry must be kept on this side of the river until we can deploy them without risk of ambushes or harassment, that will be just enough to cover your initial assault. Basically you’re on your own for the start of the operation, about two hundred shas’la in all, a hundred kroot, with pathfinder support. Cripple the air defenses in the region, if you can accomplish that, we have four Manta’s worth of reinforcements waiting to be deployed.”

   “Four Mantas?” Shas’Vre Ar’o repeated curiously to himself, though not low enough not to carry throughout the room. “That seems like an awful many for a simple break through mission.”

   The Shas’El nodded knowingly before turning to the map before him, this time swatting his stick on a patch of green just northwest of the first objective. “This is a park, its ideal elevation currently exploited by an alarming amount of Gue’la artillery batteries that will hinder our progress in taking this district. Intelligence reports state that, at the moment, is lightly if not fortified at all. When your presence is discovered by the enemy, these will work tirelessly to stall and eventually crush your push onward.”

   With that said, Mun’dal swayed the pole northeast of Calines to some an outlined structure slightly larger than its surrounding neighbors. “This was once a munitions factory… now it serves a new purpose as a makeshift a Heavy Armor facility, harboring the remnants of a “company” of armored support.”

   Slowly, he tilted the wooden pole in between the two, pointing to a variety of streets and structures. “Here…are a series of hastily built trenches, fortifications, and a complex series of tunnels forming into a subterranean network that we believe links all three of these targets into one base. This is not a simple breakthrough, this a major operation that will cost the lives of many, but one that is necessary to achieve our goal, we strike now, or we never. Consider yourselves a part of the spearhead…”

   “Now, once we disable the surrounding turrets, the taskforce splits into two teams, two cadres each. We send the Mantas in, drop off reinforcements and support, vehicles and so on. One team will make its way toward the artillery, which would include us, the other, into the factory. With the cadre in full force, gaining the upper hand shouldn’t be difficult. The slower we move, the more alert our enemy becomes, the harder it will be to take these objectives with minimal casualties, the beachhead will be devastating enough. And once that is done, both teams will move at once to surround these fortified areas, and wipe them out in a pincer movement…that’s the strategy, to sum it all up…”

   Mun’dal reverted his view once more onto his warriors, knowing he had to say something to stem the somber mood now that everyone began to realize the grimness of the situation. No matter how you looked at it, heavy casualties couldn’t be avoided.

   He cleared his throat, waiting till he was sure had the attention of all present in the office. “This day, there will be no trap for the patient hunter to layout for his prey. This day, there will be no critical point to crush with a killing blow. This day, all that exist is one way, and that is the way forward, into the guns of an enemy that knows we shall come. I want all of you, honorable warriors of the fire caste, to know, that when the sun sets this day, and casts us into the shadows of the night, we shall step into the heart of an enemy lair. There will be no street…no structure, no alleyway, no rooftop unfortified from this point on. But we remember our duty, our oath of loyalty that we hold dear to our hearts to the Tau‘va and all that it stands for. We remember our honor, that we serve and strive when we wake in the morning till nightfall to serve the greater good for the Tau race and its beloved empire. If our deaths are what is needed to benefit the Empire, it is a sacrifice that we do willingly, for it is all for higher and noble purpose, in that, there is no shame. Go now, ready your shas’la for battle, dismissed!”

~~~~~~

   -Did this part even seem nessecary? :P, I suppose I could just throw Or'es into the thick of it and explain later.
                 -Should I take this and the previous part out concerning the Tau out of this chapter and put into another one? Cause when I look at it, it kind of seems out of place. With the rest of the chapter...
« Last Edit: August 16, 2009, 07:00:49 PM by FireMahLazer »
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Offline Felonix

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #42 on: July 8, 2008, 05:43:13 PM »
No, it seemed like a lull in the middle of all the other great stuff. I think throwing Or'es into battle - like you said - with a flashback (or flashbacks) that is interrupted by heavy fire would work better. It also happens to give you the opportunity to cut it down if you felt some parts were not necessary for the overall plot, but were for the scene. It was a good bit, though. I enjoyed it.

As for the hinting, I agree; slowly introducing information is a lot better than dumping it all onto the reader at once. But confusion to the reader is generally not good. But it could just be me.

You could mention something earlier that makes it very clear who you are talking about, such as a God(dess), a vehicle, a race-specific title / label, like Gue'la or the Eldar equivalent (I forget it at the moment). Incorporating it into the thoughts or speech of the characters will help to prevent it from seeming out of place.

Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #43 on: July 8, 2008, 06:03:01 PM »
Yeah, I see what you're saying, I'll do that, not trying to confuse. :)

Lol, hopefully I'll get some more parts up soon!

P.S. Anyone think Mun'dal's speech was a bit cheesy, lol, inspirational speech isn't my strongest area! ;D
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Offline Anomander

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #44 on: July 9, 2008, 12:00:33 AM »
speech was good. the entire section was very well written and I thought it fit in well.
Keep going this is an extremely good read :)

Offline Rusk

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #45 on: July 9, 2008, 01:07:27 PM »
Ok, i'll read this latest Tau update in a minute (i've almost caught up!) - just a few points.

1) I like the way you make your characters. There are a LOT of them, but you can still differentiate between who's who. I'm sure being different species helps, but I still like the way you do it. Dawm's dead, is he? And Shame and Mails? Its not clear.

2) Why are the Sisters raiding the farm-mansion-house (thats not clear, at first I just thought it was a little farm building)? If their mission is so important, why not just fly away. And by the way you describe the Dark Eldar shots bouncing off the Thunderhawk, there doesn't seem to be any chance of it being shot down. But i'm not an expert on these things.

3) Why do the normal Eldar need Mcgrady to guide them to the city? Its a city, for God's sakes! You're not going to miss it!

4)Mcgrady... I take it you're American? If you were in England, you would NOT call a character Mcgrady. Not unless he was an irritating gay bastard who spends his Tv time screeching at you for 60 minutes. *shudder*. Look up Paul Mcgrady on Wikipedia if you have too.

~~~

I've almost caught up! Nearly there, nearly there...

-Rusk

p.s. You can put this in the FULL Fiction Comp when its finished, you know. Though i'm not sure how much longer this will run on for, it seems near the end to me.
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Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #46 on: July 9, 2008, 01:34:33 PM »
Thanks Rusk, to answer some of your questions...

-I descride Shane dying to a pulse rifle shot to the head, Mcgrady and the others would never see Mails again so I thought it wasn't important, I guess I should've clarified that.

 I don't know if I want Dawm to be dead or not, I'm still thinking on it.

-The sisters aren't really raiding the farmhouse, due to the harrasement of the dark eldar, they were forced to adandon there initial landing zones. They couldn't take time to land in open field cause the dark eldar would just plow through them, the recon force has no vehicles or anything to counter the raider rush.

    So they finally came across the farmhouse, isolated by the hedgerows and provided at least some fortification to stave off the dark eldar assualt. And of course, just to be precautious, Cyani's infrared(?) vision happen to spot contacts!
 
   -Lol, they're not looking for the city, the rangers are there, like the sisters, to kind of get a grasp of the situation...that and a few other things...

   -yeah, I'm american, lol, should I change his name? Always knew it was bit cheesy :P. Just decided to go with it.

-Actually, this is the beginning  :P, no where near finished, lol! I'm working on another story to put into the contest, it won't be long as this one though, but it'll fit the bill! ;D

Hopefully that answers your questions!
« Last Edit: July 9, 2008, 10:50:44 PM by FireMahLazer »
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Offline Rusk

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #47 on: July 9, 2008, 01:58:08 PM »
Yeah it does, thanks. Change Mcgrady. Horrible, vicious, sly little man the real Mcgrady is. You could just modify it to a futuristic version, like Mkoll is the futuristic version of McColl (shops).

e.g. Mkgreyd, MaGrad, Magarr

Just suggestions.

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Offline Felonix

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #48 on: July 9, 2008, 04:55:40 PM »
Paul McGrady? I get an Oklahoma football coach for the Southern Nazarene University Crimson Storm.  :D Eddie on the other hand...

Fire: I hope I wasn't doing overkill with the confusion thing. Sorry if you felt like I was berating you.

Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #49 on: July 9, 2008, 10:53:28 PM »
I was hoping to finish up another update before I replied, but I guess it will have to wait till later, tonight or morning.

@Felonix:not at all, you had to get your point across, or I couldn't help try to solve it, thanks for pointing the issue out! :)

P.S. Okay maybe some other time I'll post it, lol

@Anomander:Kind of forgot to reply to your last post, but thanks for the support! That also goes to everyone!
« Last Edit: July 11, 2008, 12:36:06 AM by FireMahLazer »
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Offline Anomander

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #50 on: July 13, 2008, 08:55:36 PM »
i like it. :)

Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #51 on: July 15, 2008, 12:12:05 AM »
Thanks Ando, hopefully I'll get some more up soon.

Note:I'll have to change the platoon number, minor I know but i though you all should know, cause I already used four.

Prepare for uber update, don't know when, but that's what'll be the next time I post an update, stay tuned 8)
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Offline KingNid

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #52 on: July 15, 2008, 09:45:36 PM »
So over the past couple of hours I read your gigantic story. And let me tell you, Im hooked.

Its absolutly fantastic! So many characters with interweaving plots that connect here and there so simply. I love it!

Favorite part was when Quintos spoke to McGrady. He was such a minor character, and now hes going more in the fray than Aryriel and Huikem!

Speaking of those two, when are the rest of the non-Dark Eldar going to get back in the story? Theres so much drama with those pointy-helmeted xenos!

Also, what about those 4 imperials bnack on Conorag? Are they coming back into the story? Perhaps the Inquisitor will speak to them? If not, who needs em? You do have more than enough characters.

Dont really like the DarkEldar girl... but I didnt like Aryriel at first, and now hes awsome, so who knows right? I love how Leyod and Dawm survived! Especially that you kept huge minors (Meykey and Leyod) alive so that theyre not just redshirts (startrek referance, people there to die). Cant wait to find out what these 'steel oxen' have in store for the story.

What about Helena? I guess 6 hours has not passed in the story yet? Cant wait to hear more about her.

Ores is awsome, and the hint of a love story between Ta'er and the tau driver is a nice little sub plot, really like it.

On that note, LOVE all the sub plots going on, like Huikem's and the banshee's chemistry, the Aryriel-Nailah-Raiko love triangle thing, and all the other clever little subplots.

Obviously this all links back to the beginning with Reikan... has that already happened? Or will it happen later? I think its happened, Aryrielle would have mentioned his father if he werent dead... right?

Aryrielle doesnt sound like Ariel, it sounds like Are-you-real but really fast, makes a good name.

I liked the Tau pre-battle meeting, made things VERY intense.

I cant beleive the story is still near the beginning, becuase that means I have so much more future reading!

Alright, thats all I'm going to say for now. Really awsome story, please keep it up, the whole thing is amazing

KingNid

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Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #53 on: July 15, 2008, 10:13:48 PM »
Woot ;D, glad you're liking the story so far KingNid, thanks.

To answer some of your quesstions:

You mean Dran and the council? They're actually on Tarmathon IV and I am planning on eventually bringing them back.

I'm thinking of going back to Aryreil and Friends next chapter, I know its been awhile

I think you might like Aya'kis more after I focus a bit more light on her

It hasn't been six hours yet, you'll know it has when the sun starts to set

Yeah, alot of it is linked with Raihan and the last war, he's already dead

hope that answers some of your questions, thanks for the kind words! :)



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Offline Angel Of Shadows

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #54 on: July 21, 2008, 08:33:18 AM »
An excellent read so far.
Fo some reason, i found the parts of the story with the eldar were the most entertaining with the story from the guardsmens P.O.V. comin' next. keep up the great work

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Offline KingNid

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #55 on: July 21, 2008, 06:24:28 PM »
totally agree, the eldar story is awsome

*waiting patiently for more writing to take place* :P


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Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #56 on: July 21, 2008, 10:38:55 PM »
Thanks guys, I'll try to get some stuff up soon. Kind of stumped myself a while back, but I think I have something now.

EDIT: Ok, I'm stumped on Mcgrady's new name, I'm trying to keep it similar, make it easier to remember, but I can't think of anything solid, so what do you guys think?
« Last Edit: July 23, 2008, 12:15:07 AM by FireMahLazer »
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Offline Rusk

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #57 on: July 23, 2008, 06:50:43 AM »
There! I read the rest of it! Now I am definitely, definitely, caught up, and when the next update comes I won't be too lazy to not read.

@KingNid: (about the Star Trek reference) Have you seen the Family Guy clip about that?

PICARD: Alright, Riker, Worf and Jenkins are going down to the planet with me.

JENKINS: Aww, crap.

@Lazer: Is the 6 hours part of the plot? Because I could swear the chapter with Dawm, Mcgrady, Harcon etc. attacking those kroot was at night, and the Sisters attacking the farm was in the afternoon the next day...  :P Ah well, doesn't matter.

I agree with Nid's point about the sub-plots, but it seems to me the Guard don't get any! Favouritism, favouritism, bloody Eldar...  ;)

So, any idea how long this is going to be? Even a rough guess?

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Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #58 on: July 23, 2008, 01:25:41 PM »
Lol, well, yes the six is part of the plot. The Tau ambush did happen at night, but Helen and her platoon reached the outskirts early in the morning(hence the sunlight), I guess I should've clarified that. The whole farmhouse thing is happening around noon. So around six hours, the sun will start to set(I think so :P).

Oh the guard will get subplots, eventually :P,lol, I do have some in mind though.

I don't really have an estimate on how long it'll be, just that it'll be long xD. Probably will be over twenty chapters though. hope that help

P.S.-Bah! Writer's block! :P
« Last Edit: July 23, 2008, 09:24:13 PM by FireMahLazer »
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Offline Anomander

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Re: An infinite circuitry of fate (still working title)
« Reply #59 on: July 28, 2008, 11:08:20 PM »
sounds like its shaping up for some more crazy action. ;D

 


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