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Author Topic: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011  (Read 248386 times)

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Offline Foalchu

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7180 on: November 4, 2011, 04:47:10 PM »
I suspect it's more that she's clueless or very afraid of opening herself up again (she might get hurt).  Also, I should note, that when she gets possessive, she and I are usually a little tipsy.

It does seem like running the gauntlet now that you mention it.  I guess I should just let the pieces fall where they may and not take any proactive steps to shift things towards a certain outcome. 

I am wary though, as I have this feeling that I certainly know how to find the crazy or clueless girls and end up liking them.  ::)

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Offline Lachdonin

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7181 on: November 4, 2011, 05:02:16 PM »
I am wary though, as I have this feeling that I certainly know how to find the crazy or clueless girls and end up liking them.  ::)

I feel ya there. Obliviousness is rather adorable though...

To the point, i wouldn't say take no proactive steps. Try to get yourself in the best possition possible, without getting so involved you can't get yourself out. Easier said than done, of course.
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Offline Impervious

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7182 on: November 6, 2011, 04:00:12 PM »
Ask yourself, why do you think your mate deserves here more than you do? Is it just because he is better looking?

If anything, I'd say carpe diem and go for it.
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Offline Inquisitor Yoda

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7183 on: November 11, 2011, 06:04:16 PM »
Foalchu - in my experience drunkenness can often allow people's more genuine feelings to show through, though this is not always the case. But it sounds to me like you're both playing silly buggers and dancing around the topic like faries. A great iron shod boot is certainly not required either, but coming out of a relationship does not always mean that a certain period of time must pass before another can be founded.  If she is adamant that she doesn't want another relationship then cool, continue to be a caring and supportive friend and hopefully things will progress. Otherwise waiting may simply make things tense and when another guy she likes (or girl you like) turns up on the scene things will not be so fun.

On another note however I find that possessiveness is often a bad quality in a partner, hell I've been guilty of it in the past and it's fantastic at driving people away. In this case it does sound like she wants your attention though and as long as it's nice and not obsessive then I wouldn't see it as a problem. But in reality there are so many things that change it's impossible to work out what could and couldn't have been so do what you feel is best.

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Offline Karynos

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7184 on: November 13, 2011, 11:53:46 PM »
So here is a real interesting situation I have found myself in lately.

My last few romantic escapades have been failures. This last time, I was beaten to the punch of asking out one of my female friends when another friend of mine nobody expected suddenly asked her out. Oh well; amphetamine parrot happens.

Except a couple of nights ago, the guy who asked her out told me he is not really feeling the relationship anymore. Everyone else has been telling him he should stick it out (it has been about a month) to see if a spark lights, but he seems to only still be in the relationship because a) other people have told him he should and b) he is afraid of breaking up with her.

To me, it seems pretty clear he should break up with her. I tried to tell him this, although another mutual acquaintance there disagree with me and encouraged him to keep trying.

So two things:

1) Is it wrong for me to tell this guy he should break up with her? Obviously I am a bit invested in the matter, considering I am interested in the girl he would be breaking up with. He is a friend of mine, so it is not like I shouldn't be unable to give him advice (he, and most people, are unaware of my attraction for her).

2) If he does break up with her, should I feel free to make a move? He has made it clear he is not interested in her (at least in this moment in time), and it looks like she will be on the receiving end of the breakup.
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Offline Lachdonin

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7185 on: November 14, 2011, 02:29:12 AM »
Sometimes i wonder what the evolutionary advantage to our current mating model was... It would be so much easier if you could just kill and eat your rivals... Though, i suppose 'society' wouldn't function under that dynamic...

Anyway, in my experience, when someone "isn't feeling it anymore" waiting it out isn't going to solve the problem. As such, even with your vested interest in the situation, i don't think your out of line giving that advice. Or any advice really, so long as you are sincere about it.

As for when should you move in after the fact? I'd make sure your friend is no longer interested first. I find the whole 'untouchable' period after a breakup to be rubbish, but since you have a friend involved on one side you don't want to jump in feet first and have him resent it.
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Offline Reikai

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7186 on: December 2, 2011, 02:51:08 AM »
I guess I'll ask this here.  Hopefully I can get some good advice ^^.

So where I am (Japan), the whole "Christmas date" thing is a big deal. Its basically like a valentines date or similar elsewhere. Basically the biggest "date day" of the year.

I'm *very* inexperienced when it comes to relationships.  I'm 22, had one "relationship" my entire life, never slept with anyone etc.  I'm not exactly a foreveralone-type, but just really haven't ever made any efforts to pursue someone. I'm rather apathetic towards other people. I'm 22 though, and realize I really can't be like this forever, so this year I've decided to change that, and try to find a date for Christmas Eve.

To start off, just a few questions:

1. Is it alright to ask somoene out on a date that you don't really feel for? Kind of like... asking on a date just for the sake of going on a date. It seems like it would be sort of rude and selfish on my part. However, it could be fun. I ask this because at the moment there really isn't anyone I feel for, although I do have a few girl-friends I think would be fun to hang out with.

2. Specifically for females, although perhaps any response would do. What exactly would you look forward to in a date such as described above? (Christmas/valentines date.) More specifically, what would make a date "good" or "bad?"

3. How far in advance should I ask someone out on a date? Same week? Week before? 3 weeks before?

Help figuring out this whole "relationship, courting, dating" thing would really be appreciated =p. 

Offline Alienscar

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7187 on: December 2, 2011, 10:28:25 AM »
As for when should you move in after the fact? I'd make sure your friend is no longer interested first. I find the whole 'untouchable' period after a breakup to be rubbish, but since you have a friend involved on one side you don't want to jump in feet first and have him resent it.

Hey Karynos. apart from the eating bit I agree with most of what Lachdonin says. What I would like to add though is that you actually have two friends to consider. In my experience friends, especially if you have been friends for a long time, rarely make for good long term relationships. Also just because your male friend isn't "feeling it" anymore doesn't mean that she isn't and she may not be appreciative of another "friend" asking her out. By all means offer your friend the advice you suggested but please think about what your friendship with your female friend means to you before you ask her out.
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Offline Sgt. Backhand

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7188 on: December 2, 2011, 11:57:46 AM »
@Reikai 1) I wouldn't try to ask someone out just for the sake of the "big date of the year" factor. If you aren't really feeling for someone, but think they might be fun to hang out with, then keep it casual, and do not try to make it work if it goes bad.

Feeling obligated to go out just because of the holiday is baggage you don't need. Going out because you and the other feel like is IMHO the best reason. If you feel like going out on the special day, then go ahead, just don't feel obligated.

2) When I was pursuing women (in long tern relationship now), my opening date was a comedy club. We could have conversation, but if I didn't have anything good to say there was a comedian making her laugh. In movies you can't really talk without being rude to other patrons. I don't know enough about the Christmas date to respond specifically to that.

3) About a week, unless you are worried the special girl might get asked out by someone else first.
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Offline Alienscar

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7189 on: December 2, 2011, 04:24:46 PM »
So where I am (Japan), the whole "Christmas date" thing is a big deal. Its basically like a valentines date or similar elsewhere. Basically the biggest "date day" of the year.

Hi Reikai, out of interest are you Japanese or just living in Japan? Is the the girl you plan to ask on a date Japanese?

1. Is it alright to ask somoene out on a date that you don't really feel for? Kind of like... asking on a date just for the sake of going on a date. It seems like it would be sort of rude and selfish on my part. However, it could be fun. I ask this because at the moment there really isn't anyone I feel for, although I do have a few girl-friends I think would be fun to hang out with.

Back when I was single a friend and I had what I suppose could be called a dating game. Twice a year, in random locations, we both had to ask out people we liked the look of. Obviously we got rejected by more than said yes but someone always said yes. We explained to the girls that it was just a day out somewhere and it was about having fun more than anything else. It was always a double date which meant that any awkward silences were few. The winner of our game was the person that got a second date. I think that this is the kind of thing you are thinking about and I don't see it as rude or selfish. Instead of approaching it as a date though I would approach it from a point of view of meeting someone new just for a bit of fun and conversation. At the very least you might make a few new friends.

2. Specifically for females, although perhaps any response would do. What exactly would you look forward to in a date such as described above? (Christmas/valentines date.) More specifically, what would make a date "good" or "bad?"

Women aren't an entirely a different species think back to your previous relationship and think what made your first date good that time. Personally when it is just for fun as described above then my friend and I always found activity type dates worked well. Ten Pin Bowling, ice skating, dry slope bobsleigh, fun fair, zoo. Fun things to do that allow you to interact with your date. I imagine the only bad thing on any kind of date is long silences or only one of you talking.

3. How far in advance should I ask someone out on a date? Same week? Week before? 3 weeks before?

I think same week is fine.
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Offline Reikai

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7190 on: December 2, 2011, 09:42:47 PM »
Thanks for the replies guys.
@Reikai 1) I wouldn't try to ask someone out just for the sake of the "big date of the year" factor. If you aren't really feeling for someone, but think they might be fun to hang out with, then keep it casual, and do not try to make it work if it goes bad.

Feeling obligated to go out just because of the holiday is baggage you don't need. Going out because you and the other feel like is IMHO the best reason. If you feel like going out on the special day, then go ahead, just don't feel obligated.

2) When I was pursuing women (in long tern relationship now), my opening date was a comedy club. We could have conversation, but if I didn't have anything good to say there was a comedian making her laugh. In movies you can't really talk without being rude to other patrons. I don't know enough about the Christmas date to respond specifically to that.

3) About a week, unless you are worried the special girl might get asked out by someone else first.

1. Not really asking just for the sake of "big date of the year" factor.  However, I did think it would be a good time to make a change and actually put effort into getting to know people.  I plan on keeping it casual, just going for fun like I said.

2. The comedy club sounds like an interesting idea.  In my mind the "typical" Christmas date thing is like... walk through roppongi hills (a place here) to see illuminations:

go for dinner, whatever, then I get lost.  lol.

3. One week.  Alright.

Quote
Hi Reikai, out of interest are you Japanese or just living in Japan? Is the the girl you plan to ask on a date Japanese?

1. Back when I was single a friend and I had what I suppose could be called a dating game. Twice a year, in random locations, we both had to ask out people we liked the look of. Obviously we got rejected by more than said yes but someone always said yes. We explained to the girls that it was just a day out somewhere and it was about having fun more than anything else. It was always a double date which meant that any awkward silences were few. The winner of our game was the person that got a second date. I think that this is the kind of thing you are thinking about and I don't see it as rude or selfish. Instead of approaching it as a date though I would approach it from a point of view of meeting someone new just for a bit of fun and conversation. At the very least you might make a few new friends.

2.Women aren't an entirely a different species think back to your previous relationship and think what made your first date good that time. Personally when it is just for fun as described above then my friend and I always found activity type dates worked well. Ten Pin Bowling, ice skating, dry slope bobsleigh, fun fair, zoo. Fun things to do that allow you to interact with your date. I imagine the only bad thing on any kind of date is long silences or only one of you talking.

3. I think same week is fine.

Its very complicated, but lets just say I'm the closest to a Japanese person that a non-Japanese can get.  I'm Asian of Chinese descent, born here, grew up here, speak Japanese, work in a Japanese company, look Japanese etc.  However, I don't hold a Japanese passport.  People always assume I'm Japanese until I tell them my name (which is a Christian name and rather odd for a Japanese person to have.)

1. Heh, that sounds hilarious!  If I can find a friend to do that with me, that would be awesome!  This is sort of the thing I'm looking for.  I might not have feelings for anyone right now, but perhaps I can use the date to find out.

2. I see.  Bowling sounds nice, Ice skating too.  The others aren't too available here =p.

3. Alright.

-----

4. Additional question: I kind of plan to ask a few girls I know out, just randomly.  Girls being girls will probably answer with something similar to "I'll think about it."  What should I do at this point?  Move on?  Wait for a reply?



Offline Alienscar

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7191 on: December 4, 2011, 03:22:29 PM »
Thanks for the replies guys.
Its very complicated, but lets just say I'm the closest to a Japanese person that a non-Japanese can get.
Hi Reikai, the reason I ask is that I don't know much about Japanese culture and I'm not sure how relevant any advice I offer is to such a different culture.

1. Heh, that sounds hilarious!  If I can find a friend to do that with me, that would be awesome!  This is sort of the thing I'm looking for.  I might not have feelings for anyone right now, but perhaps I can use the date to find out.

It was a lot of fun. If you try it I must point out that half the appeal for the girls that we asked was that we made it clear to them that they wouldn't have to pay for anything on the date. We found in the end that a good measure of how the date went was when some of the girls would offer to pay for some aspect of the day out.

2. I see.  Bowling sounds nice, Ice skating too.  The others aren't too available here =p.

Don't take my list too literally, any activity that is fun and lasts between 3-5 hours is good enough.
 
4. Additional question: I kind of plan to ask a few girls I know out, just randomly.  Girls being girls will probably answer with something similar to "I'll think about it."  What should I do at this point?  Move on?  Wait for a reply?

Hmm always a tough one to answer this without knowing the people involved. Do the girls you intend to ask know each other?
I'll think about it” is better than no but don't wait for a reply. Instead I would wait a couple of days and ask again. At the very least, by asking again, it shows the girl that you are keen. If she has to think again then I would take it as a no.
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Offline Calamity

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Re: Guys & Girls Thread - 2003 - 2011
« Reply #7192 on: July 6, 2015, 09:59:50 AM »
That's good advice (and I'm sorry you had to endure that).

 


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