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Author Topic: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)  (Read 2989 times)

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Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000
« Reply #20 on: June 17, 2018, 03:58:49 AM »
Woow, that's a long list! Thank you for the continued support, Alienscar! I hope I'm actually learning some things from you!
« Last Edit: June 18, 2018, 09:27:57 AM by MyenTal »
“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
― Glen Cook, The Black Company

Offline Alienscar

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000
« Reply #21 on: June 18, 2018, 05:38:12 AM »
Woow, that's a long list!

Yeah, sorry about that and I still haven't finished yet!

I hope I'm actually learning somethings from you!

I can't decide if you are pulling my leg or not with this sentence. 'Somethings' should be 'some things'.

I hope I'm actually learning somethings from you!

From the way you make your corrections I get the impression that you write very quickly. I also get the impression that you make up your stories as you write. That is, I do not get the impression that you have plotted out the story line for your characters before you start writing.

This, if I am correct, isn't a bad thing as it must enable you to get your ideas written very quickly. What is a bad thing is that you don't seem to carry out any proofreading before you post.

It seems to me you only make a few mistakes and the only reason my list is as long as it is, is because you tend to make the same mistake on a regular basis.

Verb tense agreement, disjointed sentences and using words that do not mean what you think they mean are the mistakes you need to work on.   


« Last Edit: June 18, 2018, 05:50:56 AM by Alienscar »
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Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
« Reply #22 on: June 18, 2018, 09:27:41 AM »
Quote
I can't decide if you are pulling my leg or not with this sentence. 'Somethings' should be 'some things'.

Sorry, that was a typo.

Yeah I tend to write everything out after I visualize a general direction that I want to head in. Like an idea that I think would be great to progress the story, then I think on a number of routes I can take to try to reach the place where the idea is set in the story line, then I sit down and connect the dots as I write. I do tend to write very quickly, most of these scenes I try to write in one sitting, then I divide them into smaller portions for readers to digest. As for proof-reading, I sweep through each section I write after I finish them. But you are correct, it is probably not the best way to do it, as I am already fatigued from writing and I obviously let some mistakes slip through that should have been caught.

I will take a few extra days to make multiple sweeps, I think, and see if that improves the overall structure and flow of the story. Thank you for the honest critique, Alien, you remind me that I must put in more effort if I am to reap the benefit :).
“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
― Glen Cook, The Black Company

Offline Alienscar

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
« Reply #23 on: June 19, 2018, 05:05:03 AM »
Yeah I tend to write everything out after I visualize a general direction that I want to head in. Like an idea that I think would be great to progress the story, then I think on a number of routes I can take to try to reach the place where the idea is set in the story line, then I sit down and connect the dots as I write.

Fascinating! I lack any creative imagination so I am always interested in reading about the creative process.

Thank you for the honest critique, Alien, you remind me that I must put in more effort if I am to reap the benefit :).

To be perfectly honest I think you might like to consider looking at articles that teach writing technique. As bluewpc has found out being a passionate self taught writer will only take you so far. If you are serious about taking your writing further you will need to learn the correct techniques. I have looked back through some of your previous work all the way to Irinon in 2009 and your writing style has not changed in all of these years. 
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Offline Alienscar

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
« Reply #24 on: June 21, 2018, 07:00:55 AM »
Bit more feedback on Scene 2. Still not finished yet though.
Quote from: MyenTal
The eldar whipped back her weapon more quickly than she had struck T’Eldi. All at once, the mere memory of the nerve-wracked pain he had experienced mere moments before left him beleaguered and bereft of muscle memory. Strength escaped from out of his slackened muscles and became useless. As a final act of defiance, T’Eldi rolled his limp head upwards to meet the gaze of the enemy that had slain him.

I am not sure where to start with this paragraph. For instance, ‘more quickly’ should be ‘quicker’, ‘recollection’ would be a better word than memory, ‘wracking’ instead of ‘wracked’ & the repetition of the word ’mere’ stand out straight away. Also muscle memory is a complicated issue and the concept is a little overblown when all you want to say is that T’Eldi lost his strength.

I think a simpler sentence construction would work better.

For example:-
 
As the Eldar prepared to strike again the thought of more pain like he had just experienced drove the strength from T’Eldi’s muscles.


Quote from: MyenTal
A vicious smile graced the lustful cherry lips carved upon the beatific Druhkari Warrioress.

Sorry, but I don’t understand this sentence. The words carved and beatific just don’t work for me. The word ‘carved’ is at odds with the word ‘lustful’ and ‘beatific’ means blissful or happy.

Quote from: MyenTal
A narrow and angular face framed a frenzied, wide-eyed stare reminiscent of the great drop into oblivion itself.

How can a stare be reminiscent of anything?

Quote from: MyenTal
Gory red streaked through great and lustrous streams of pinned-up hair the shade of an azure topaz gem.

Separated like this I hope you can see for yourself why this sentence does not work.

Quote from: MyenTal
Bloodied wounds were gouged over her obsidian gaze in the pattern of six neat cuts,

A gaze isn’t a physical thing so can’t be gouged

Quote from: MyenTal
Her Agonizer Whip cracked through the air and sliced the Shield Drone hovered

'hovered' should be 'hovering'

Quote from: MyenTal
sliced the Shield Drone hovered over the Shas’ui in twain

Similar to your use of betwixt why have you used the archaic form of ‘two’

Quote from: MyenTal
A triumph with neither great effort or grateful applause…

The word 'or' in this sentence should be 'nor'

Quote from: MyenTal
“Ninnymir Skull Flayer of the Infernal Brand,” The Kabalite Commander sketched an elegant bow. Her Agonizer Whip cracked through the air and sliced the Shield Drone hovered over the Shas’ui in twain—all in the same movement as her bow. “A triumph with neither great effort or grateful applause..

I think you should keep your sentences simpler.

‘Ninnymir, Skull Flayer of the Infernal Brand.’ As she sketched out a mocking bow the Shield Drone that was hovering over the Shas’ui was casually sliced in two with a skilful crack of her Agonizer whip.



I will take a few extra days to make multiple sweeps, I think, and see if that improves the overall structure and flow of the story. Thank you for the honest critique, Alien, you remind me that I must put in more effort if I am to reap the benefit :).

As practise have a look at the opening paragraph to Scene 3 and see if you can spot the errors in that.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2018, 01:54:55 AM by Alienscar »
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Offline Alienscar

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
« Reply #25 on: June 26, 2018, 11:20:10 AM »
The last of my thoughts for Scene 2

Quote from: MyenTal
or grateful applause…but your trophy-skull shall have to do in the stead of my myriad glories.”

The word trophy-skull does not make any sense used as you have used it and I think, 'but your skull as a trophy will have to do' might be better.

'In the stead of my myriad glories' is the wrong use of the word myriad. Myriad means countless or extremely great in number. As written Ninnymir would appear to be saying that having T’Eldi’s skull is a replacement for all the victories she has ever achieved.


Quote from: MyenTal
A squadron of Gun Drones retreated back toward T’Eldi. The Drones unleashed their payload, but found each dispensed round dissipated in a sudden haze of inky black smoke that seemed to wrap around their mistress. Ninnymir did not flinch from their enraptured attention, but instead lifted the blast pistol in her off-hand and squeezed the trigger.

This is another example of you writing in short sentences that ultimately confuses the flow of the paragraph.

There is no need for the sentence that begins ‘The Drones unleashed..’


I think something like this would work:-
 
A squadron of Gun Drones retreated towards T’Eldi unleashing their payload as they moved, but each round fired disappeared in the haze of inky black smoke that had suddenly appeared around their target.


Quote from: MyenTal
but found each dispensed round dissipated in a sudden haze of inky black smoke that seemed to wrap around their mistress.

Because of the way you have structured this sentence you are saying that Ninnymir is the Drones mistress.

Quote from: MyenTal
Ninnymir did not flinch from their enraptured attention,

This doesn’t work because of the word enraptured. Enraptured means to fill with delight or give intense pleasure to, this is not what the Drones are doing.

Quote from: MyenTal
but instead lifted the blast pistol in her off-hand and squeezed the trigger.

I am not sure about the expression ‘off-hand’. I get what you mean, but I think it is an expression used in gaming rather than real life. Also the expression only makes sense if I know which hand the character uses as their main hand.

Quote from: MyenTal
T’Eldi had never seen Drukhari nor their greatly advanced technology, but the mere stories alone could always reach an ancient veteran like him no matter which backwater he chose for settlement.

The word ‘nor’ should be ‘or’ and you have used the word ‘mere’ incorrectly again.

I think something like this would work better;-

T’Eldi had never seen any Drukhari, but stories of their advanced technology had even reached the backwater settlements that he liked to call home.

Better still would be to drop the sentence as it doesn’t seem to add anything to the paragraph.


Quote from: MyenTal
Before Ninnymir could pull the trigger,

Too late for this as Ninnymir has already squeezed the trigger with her ‘off-hand’ two sentences ago.

Quote from: MyenTal
the hunter sagged onto his right shoulder with all of the strength left in him.

The word ‘sagged’ is at odds with the word ‘strength’ as sagging refers to an action that has taken place due to lack of strength.

Quote from: MyenTal
He lifted an arm over his head to shield him from the cursed effects of Dark Light Weaponry.

The word curse has a few meanings. It can refer to the use of magic, something that annoys you or the use of swear words. None of this really works for your sentence as I don’t imagine that anyone being fired at by a Dark Light weapon would describe it as annoying.

Quote from: MyenTal
Ninnymir squeezed the trigger in rapid succession, each pull rewarded with the brief disintegration of a Drone.

‘Brief disintegration of a Drone’ means that the disintegration of the Drone was only temporary.

Quote from: MyenTal
T’Eldi dared not budge his head to preserve his eyesight from permanent blindness that Dark Light Weapons left scarred upon their victims.

I am not too sure about the word budge as you have used it here. As a verb it seems to read that T’Eldi’s head is separate to him and he is having trouble moving it.

Scarred upon their victims is the wrong tense and the wrong use of the word scarred.


Quote from: MyenTal
“T’Eldi, keep yourself protected!” Yr’Vah’s voice cut through the cacophony of the skirmish. “Photon Grenade out!”

Grizzlykin has covered this already and generally I agree with everything that he said except I don’t think you should be using this expression at all.

In its original form it was too terrestrial but in this form it doesn’t really generate any feeling of danger or warning. I realise it is difficult, but I think you need to come up with something original and Tau like.


« Last Edit: June 27, 2018, 10:13:02 AM by Alienscar »
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Offline Myen'Tal

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
« Reply #26 on: July 1, 2018, 09:33:27 AM »
Hey Alienscar, so does this conclude your feedback for scene 2? If so, I will go ahead and start scheduling sometime where I can sit down and start tackling it. I've also noted that I need to make a couple of passes through Tapestries of Faith... I've kind of let that fall to the wayside a bit, even though the first chapter is just about done, where I wanted to stop (which makes the crime even greater! :P).

I think I will look into some writing classes, because I actually agree with you, there's some problems with improving my style and technique that I really won't be able to address until I can have someone wiser than me hone in on them and instill me with the knowledge to avoid said pitfalls.
“Evil is relative…You can’t hang a sign on it. You can’t touch it or taste it or cut it with a sword. Evil depends on where you are standing, pointing your indicting finger.”
― Glen Cook, The Black Company

Offline Alienscar

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
« Reply #27 on: July 1, 2018, 12:19:44 PM »
Hey Alienscar, so does this conclude your feedback for scene 2?

Hi MyenTal, yes that is my feedback for Scene 2 completed. Just going through Scene 3 now.
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Offline Alienscar

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Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
« Reply #28 on: July 4, 2018, 06:50:30 AM »
Here are all of my thoughts on Scene 3

Quote from: MyenTal
Ninnymir swiveled her eyes of midnight

The word midnight on its own just refers to a time of day so here you have created a really confused phrase. Better would be Ninnymir swivelled her eyes of midnight black, but even that is a bit clumsy. 

Quote from: MyenTal
toward the clatter of noise at her feet,

The word clatter already refers to a particular type of noise so writing ‘clatter of noise’ does not make any sense. Better to write ‘toward the clattering noise’


Quote from: MyenTal
Ninnymir swiveled her eyes of midnight toward the clatter of noise at her feet, then shifted from the thrown grenade to the T’au reinforcements that stormed into the Drone Factory.

Due to your phrasing this sentence doesn’t work correctly. The ‘then shifted’ part isn’t connected to the first part in a way that makes sense because your phrasing has separated the throwing of the grenade from the clattering noise.

What I have written below might be a bit better, but to be honest I would still not be happy as I haven’t captured the quickness of action that I think you were after.

Ninnymir watched as a grenade clattered at her feet and then she shifted her gaze towards the Tau reinforcements that were storming into the Drone factory.


Quote from: MyenTal
In a brilliant display of sheer dexterity,

Agility, not dexterity. Dexterity refers to being skilled with your hands.

Quote from: MyenTal
the Wych of the Infernal Brand pounced from upon the remains of a destroyed Shield Drone,

The word pounced describes someone/something leaping suddenly towards something so your sentence has become confused as the word ‘from’ does not work. I think mostly the confusion arises because you haven’t shown how Ninnymir arrived on the Drone.

Something like this might be better, but again I wouldn’t be totally happy.

In an incredible display of agility Ninnymir pounced from where she stood onto the remains of a Shield Drone and from there leapt across the flames that were consuming the building.


Quote from: MyenTal
a move that piqued with a great spring across the flames of the burning structure.

Pique means arouse interest or feel irritated. Peaked is probably the word you were looking for.

Quote from: MyenTal
The dark-light blast from the ancient weapon smacked a blinded Shas’la square in the chest, detonating him like a miniature warhead.

Using the verb ‘detonate’ as you have here doesn’t quite work and you have also created a complex sentence that has the hallmarks of a comma splice use.

I think something simpler like this would be better.

The Dark Light blast from the ancient weapon hit a Shas’la square in the chest and he detonated like a miniature warhead.


Quote from: MyenTal
Ribbons of tattered gore

The word gore refers to blood that has been shed or become clotted so it can’t be described as tattered. ‘gory tatters of flesh’ would work better.

Quote from: MyenTal
Ribbons of tattered gore sprinkled onto the charred corridors of Facility AX-91 and the Fire Warriors nearest to their deceased comrade. A handful of Shas’la grazed from the blast of the fallout crumbled to the ground with dismembered limbs, such was the kinetic strength behind the shot. Others collapsed in upon themselves, reduced to blinded and mewling husks of their former selves.

There are a lot of tense issues with this paragraph. Grazed from should be grazed by. With dismembered limbs should be ‘…ground their limbs dismembered.’ Blinded should be blind’.

Quote from: MyenTal
Pulse Blasters rippled out of the shadows from the other end of the factory.

The word rippled refers to small waves or undulations on a surface. Also the word rippled is commonly used to describe the way that water moves, so its use here is really confusing.

Quote from: MyenTal
Dispersed nets of super-heated plasma saturated the corridors with each heavy thump of a weapon report.

I am not sure if it is because you have started this sentence with a verb, but something feels off when I read this sentence.

If I use a synonym for the word dispersed such as dissipated, spread, scattered I think it becomes clearer why I am struggling with this sentence. Also I can’t say for why, but each heavy thump doesn’t read right and I think ‘every heavy’ would be better.


Quote from: MyenTal
A kill zone formed from the plasma shells of a dozen Pulse Blasters swept into the nearest squad of Kabalites with merciless efficiency.

The word shell usually refers to a spent round, so it isn’t clear to me how a kill zone can be created by empty bullet cases.

‘swept through’ would be better than ‘into’ as ‘into refers to a position that is surrounded by or is inside something.


Quote from: MyenTal
Defiant till their dying breath, the Obsidian Rose warriors screamed in outrage as their limbs were systematically blown into bits, from highest to lowest priorities.

I do not understand what you mean by the phrase ‘highest to lowest priorities’. The way that you have written this sentence means that you have prioritised an arm over a leg as a target.
 

Quote from: MyenTal
Splinter rounds popped incessantly as they exchanged their vicious payload with the quickened burst from discharged pulse weaponry.

Due to the way that the word exchanged works and to how you structured this sentence you have essentially made out that the Splinter rounds have carried out an action.

Quote from: MyenTal
Here and there, a member of the Breacher Teams folded in on himself and spasmed from a mere

‘The’ mere graze, not ‘a mere graze’

Quote from: MyenTal
the Obsidian Rose surged through the firestorm with a boldness borne from countless millennia of arrogance.

‘Borne of countless’ , not ‘borne from countless’


Quote from: MyenTal
Burdened from the lingering agonies of electrocution, T’Eldi somehow staved off the overwhelming ache in his limbs and pushed himself up onto his knees with stiffened hands. His entire body screamed out in defiance and seemed ready to surrender to the eternal peace of oblivion. The Old Hunter pushed himself up with a great heave and pinned his back against the terminal behind him.

I see this as another example of where you have used short sentences to get your point across, but the end result doesn’t flow well enough to work.

The middle sentence isn’t required.


I think something like this would be better:-

Aching from the lingering effects of electrocution T’Eldi forced himself onto his knees. His limbs still screaming from that small effort he heaved himself upright and sagged against a Terminal so that he didn’t fall over.


Quote from: MyenTal
The Old Hunter craned his head in the direction of the Gladiatrix in time to watch her sever two helmeted heads from their corpses with a flick of her wrist.

Because of the way you have previously used the word corpse I am not sure what you are saying here. At face value you have said that Ninnymir severed the heads from two bodies that were already dead. Is that what you meant to say?

Quote from: MyenTal
Heightened by her combat drugs, Skull Flayer reached such a pique of violence

As before this is the wrong use of the word pique

Quote from: MyenTal
and gore that the T’au who encountered her appeared to degenerate into bloodied shreds

disintegrate, not degenerate. Amongst other things the word degenerate just means to decline or deteriorate physically so its use would imply a slow process

Quote from: MyenTal
True to their hot-blooded nature, the disciplined shock troops formed their ranks and defiantly held their ground.

Hot-blooded refers to someone that is quick to show strong feelings such as love or anger. I am not sure if that description suits a supposedly disciplined unit.

Quote from: MyenTal
A score of cruel and proven slavers strode

This description is a little odd I feel. The cruel part is fine but the ‘proven slavers’ makes no real sense in the context of the paragraph.

Quote from: MyenTal
withered like parchment seared through numerous times.

This simile doesn’t work as paper can’t be burnt more than once.

Quote from: MyenTal
Suddenly disinterested in the sight of their own dead, the Kabalites realized that they were repulsed and scattered back in the direction of their void-craft.

There has been no indication in your writing that the warriors were interested in looking at the bodies of their comrades, so the ‘suddenly disinterested’ bit of this sentence does not work.

Quote from: MyenTal
Any stragglers too beleaguered to make good on their own escape

I am not sure that too beleaguered is the correct phrasing or use of the word beleaguer. If I use a synonym for both of these words I get phrasing such as; ‘any stragglers excessively under pressure to make good on their own escape’, or ‘any stragglers ridiculously surrounded to make good on their own escape’. None of these work, so this shows that the sentence needs to be written differently.

Quote from: MyenTal
Any stragglers too beleaguered to make good on their own escape were swept away in a tide of vented plasma from both the point-blank blasts of the aggressive Pulse Blasters or the far-sighted Pulse Pistols.

Overall this sentence is confused and has tense errors. ‘vented plasma from both the point-blank blasts’ isn’t a complete thought and should be written as ‘vented plasma that spewed out from the  Blasters and the Pistols.

‘Both’ and ‘or’ do not belong together.

You can’t describe a pistol as being far-sighted as a pistol cannot 'see' anything.


Quote from: MyenTal
Stuck between boundless rage and inspired martial pride, some measure of strength returned onto T’Eldi

‘to T’Eldi, not ‘onto T’Eldi’. By saying strength returned onto T’Eldi you are saying that strength is somehow resting on the surface of T’Eldi.

Quote from: MyenTal
The Old Hunter pushed aside the sight of mutilated comrades from his mind and bore the stock

‘Bore’ is past tense so confuses the phrasing of this sentence.

Quote from: MyenTal
The last of what remained of the Fire Dawn Cadre.

Eh? This sentence doesn’t seem to be linked to anything.

Quote from: MyenTal
Though Ninnymir’s posture remained triumphant, the grimace etched on her features seemed to writhe like a worm burrowing beneath her skin. A pallid hand clenched over a bloodied wound on her midriff, but distracted though she was, the enigmatic creature seemed to feel T’Eldi’s gaze trained upon her.

Another example of separate sentences that don’t quite flow well enough to tell a story.

The sentence beginning ‘A pallid hand’ is too separate as a thought to flow smoothly on from the previous sentence.
 

Quote from: MyenTal
Cautiously, Ninnymir shifted her midnight eyes in the Old Hunter’s direction.

As previously noted, ‘midnight’ is a time.

Quote from: MyenTal
mounted on the trophy racks of my Raiders for an eternity or more!

Enterity means infinite or unending so there can’t be more.

Quote from: MyenTal
T’Eldi pretended to consider her offer for not even a second.

This is confused. How do you pretend not to do something?


Quote from: MyenTal
The corpse flung itself backward from the sudden force

Once again you have used the word corpse incorrectly.  A corpse by definition cannot complete an action.

Quote from: MyenTal
The corpse flung itself backward from the sudden force and complete lack of resistance.

Also how can the lack of resistance to a force result in any backwards movement.

Quote from: MyenTal
T’Eldi sighed and watched the carcass tumble into the remains of the defiled dead.

Defiled is past tense so this phrase comes across as if you are trying to use defiled as an adjective. Because dead is also an adjective the phrase does not work.

Quote from: MyenTal
He glanced down upon the bloodied muck he had stooped into

Why has D’yoh knelt, bent or otherwise crouched over in the mud? Did you mean to write stepped or stopped?

Quote from: MyenTal
He kicked away some traces of the gory murk

The word murk refers darkness or a thick mist

Quote from: MyenTal
He quickly realized the vain nature of the task and exchanged a glance of askance with T’Eldi

‘What the beslubber!’ Is what I said to myself when I first read this and I have really got to ask about your use of the word askance? The way you have used the word here means that you think it means ‘with a look of asking’. From the way you write though I find this hard to believe and it really makes me wonder what happened.

The word askance means to look at something with doubt or without trust.

Better phrasing would be: He quickly realised the vain nature of the task and exchanged a questioning glance with T’ELdi.


Quote from: MyenTal
has he approached.

‘As, not ‘has’

« Last Edit: July 4, 2018, 05:03:49 PM by Alienscar »
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Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

 


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