“Ok first rule: I’m not allowed to help you win a fight, in any shape or form, I can defend myself, but that’s it” said Saladin
“Oh that’s great, while I die you just stand there watching me…” I complained
“Silence. Your fate is my fate- if you lose I die as well, so stop be-atching” Yelled Saladin. “Why did I have to get the imperial guardsmen? You don’t even have any good weapons or features!”
“I do so!” I said defensively. “I’ve got my lasgun and my trusty bayonet!”
“What, a gun that will give the other contestants cancer in ten years or, at worst, will make them squint? Then you have a blade that’s more suited to opening cans, and to top it all off, your covered in cardboard for armour.”
I opened my mouth but no words came out, I couldn’t deny that Saladin had a point. I had the worst weapons and the worst armour around.
“Okay, let’s get the other rules out of the way. Secondly, the game lasts only one day, if it is not finished then the hidden beast will be set to ‘rampage mode’.” explained Saladin
“Beast, what beast?” I inquired, worried
“The beast is controlled by the moderators; it will waken up once every four hours for half an hour during the contest, then it will go back to sleep, if nobody has won in one day it will be awake all the time and surely kill us all.”
“Hang on” I said. “Couldn’t we kill it?”
“Look” pointed out Saladin. “You’re probably the weakest here. What chance have you of killing it when nobody has ever killed it before?”
“So, what is this beast?”
“It is called Rasmus and it is the most powerful thing in the universe. All quail at its almighty powers, and nobody has ever killed it before”
“Third, you cannot escape the arena. This is the board of 40k online: there is no escape. Many unfortunate fools have perished within the depths of 40konline, even going into its early history, none have returned- all devoured by spam, flame and 3rd edition eldar cheesiness.”
“All right. Can’t escape. Got it.” I muttered to myself
“The last rule is DON’T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.” Shouted Saladin
“I’m sorry... the what?”
“Do not say anything which could get us sued; don’t break the copyright of the original book”
“What so I’m in a crappy parody of a book, this is getting worse and worse” I moaned
“Of course, as if the stressed-out, pimple faced, teen typing this up could write his own original story…”
Suddenly, a hammer appeared over Saladin’s head, dropped and hit him.
“Hey, it’s not my fault you’re uncreative!” shouted Saladin
Then more hammers appeared, whacking Saladin
“He’s just on edge…” whispered Saladin to me. “That’s what happens when you’re suffering from extreme virginity.”
Then Saladin’s beard caught alight.
“Alright, I’ll stop!” shouted Saladin.
A chuckle could be heard throughout the 40k online boards.
Hope you enjoyed the second chapter- its gonna gradually get funnier
Edit: Note, corrected some mistakes in the second chapter- I'd also like to thank Ukos who helped me correct some of the mistakes.