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Author Topic: fluff problem. help me choose!  (Read 482 times)

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Offline Commissar ShoutY

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fluff problem. help me choose!
« on: December 29, 2004, 02:38:13 PM »
heres some fluff. two stoies that i dont know wether to continue. plz help me choose ONE.

session one: return

A world was passing by. The dark shapes of pine trees flew past in the dark night as corporal John Quoner stared out of the train’s window. The trees loomed up in the night ready to claim the unwary. A sudden break in the trees revealed a brief view of fields with livestock visible in the dark night. John closed his eyes.
Just like home.
When he opened them again he saw the trees were once again reaching out for the train. He tore his gaze away from the out side view and looked across the train cabin. Next to him dozed trooper Miller, John smiled; his friend was sleeping as if they were on their way to the rear, not the front. Across the small aisle sat another two troopers from their squad, Tim Bowman and Harry Kinner, in front of them were two replacements, he didn’t bother to think about remembering their names. They were nobodies until they had survived their first battle. That was the rule; you were a no one until you had made it through your first fight. He himself was a veteran of three battles although the first was barely a skirmish. Two Tau squads had being cornered in a hab block; the platoon went in and came out with twenty-two combat kills for eight dead and twelve wounded two serious enough to be sent back to Brimstone. In the second battle he had been wounded in the arm but stayed with his squad though the 36 hour battle to gain control of a small town, even when the transport got hit by three rail guns “old faithful” had carried on the worst damage been the complete removal of the turret. His third battle had been in the rear guard as the imperial forces withdrew from the town. He had taken another injury in that one, a pulse round in the lower leg that got him a med-evac back to the city of Darkmoor. Now he was going back to the war, back to his life. He couldn’t remember what civie life was like. Once you had had those first angry shots going past your ears or pinging off the cover that you were cowering behind then you became a soldier. A slight decrease in speed brought Quoner out of his revere. He turned round and saw lieutenant Mean, another replacement, stood in the cabin door behind Miller. The lieutenant began to move forward tapping troopers on the shoulder as he passed. Miller stood up and retrieved his kitbag from the overhead compartment; John was a few seconds behind Miller, Bowman and Kinner behind him. The train pulled up against the station and the doors opened without a sound, the troopers stepped off onto the platform, just ahead of each door were stacks of auto rifles, ammo pouch belts and loose ammo bags. Each trooper received one MA16 rifle, one ammo belt with: ten clips with thirty bullet capacity one canteen, one bayonet and one loose ammo bag, each bag had five hundred loose rounds. After receiving the supplies the troops made their way off the platform to their waiting chimera fighting vehicles.
Soon the platoon was heading towards the north end of the town, then john remembered what the town was called
‘Deathwood’

................... ................... ..........next story.............. ................... ...................

Major Greer turned to regard the marine, his rain soaked robes were lightly coved in mud even so his huge Black suit of armour with gray gauntlets and shoulder trim and the huge jet black-sword in his hands were awe inspiring
“Do we have the time?”
”No. The enemy will be here by dawn at the earliest”
Greer turned from him and regarded the map before spiting on it
“I should have a hundred more men…”
“They would make little difference, I, captain Leon, tell you truefuly.”
The officer span on the spot.
“And what would you have me do captain?” a tone of bitterness on his tongue as he locked eyes with the mighty warrior
“Stand firm, stand tall, fight well and if need be, die proudly!” Leon laid aside his sword and strode forward towards the major before placing a powerful hand on he officer’s shoulder
‘You are tired. You must not have slept for sometime.”
“No, I haven’t”
“Then sleep, my men will be preparing for the battle all night. They will construct the defenses and watch the perimeter, tell your men to rest, they will need all their strength on the morrow” Greer nodded once and strode out of the tent to find his sleeping tent just as another marine in black armour and skull mask strode in, Greer almost screamed but then caught sight of the insignia on the man’s shoulder pad. Saluting both marines he left.
“How many?”
“I do not know”
“The scouts?”
“They claim several hundreds wait in the hills. But I feel there may be more”
Leon stared out past the Chaplin and into the dark mountains the Chaplin followed his gaze and after a moment Leon went outside but continued to stare at the hillsides. Long moments past before he spoke
“What do you sense?”
“There is more than darkness in the dark depths of those hills, many men will die tomorrow. I fear we may fail...”

A lone figure draped in robes that did little to hide his impressive frame strode atop the hill and his milky white eyes gazed down the valley
“Now my time has come”
The traitor spoke down into the shadows of the imperial camp.
“And time, time is not on your side”

thanx for any help.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2004, 02:51:34 PM by Commissar ShoutY »
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Offline Henimann

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Re: fluff problem. help me choose!
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2004, 02:45:00 PM »
Ooooooohhh......ver y nice.  But where is the second story?  I dont see it!

Offline Commissar ShoutY

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Re: fluff problem. help me choose!
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2004, 02:52:15 PM »
apologies. hope this is more clear
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Offline Lieutenant Mack

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Re: fluff problem. help me choose!
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2004, 04:04:52 PM »
Story one, I like the tone, and quite frankly am very interested in what happens next!

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Offline Dark Exodus

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Re: fluff problem. help me choose!
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2004, 04:16:15 PM »
Story one, for the reasons mentioned above, it was also clearer.

Offline Lieutenant Sirius

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Re: fluff problem. help me choose!
« Reply #5 on: December 29, 2004, 04:19:20 PM »
again story 1; again, it was clearer, more interesting and read better
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Offline Col. Or'es'o (retired)

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Re: fluff problem. help me choose!
« Reply #6 on: December 29, 2004, 04:21:28 PM »
I know this isnt what you asked, but for the 1st story I'd reread the 1st paragraph or so and get rid of some of the repetitions (tree, dark, night), swap different words (shadows, woods, etc) in or remove all together.
The 2nd paragraph is far too long and needs breaking up into 2 or 3 smaller paragraphs. There are quite a few good places, but I'd go for "He was a veteran of three battles..." and again at "A slight decrease in speed...".

I dont really like the 2nd story, it seems awkward and kinda cliched. The anticipation seems alot more forced, whereas the in the 1st story its alot more natural, atmospheric. If you end up taking the 2nd story you've made a few spelling mistakes, and 'span' should be 'spun'.  ;D

Cheers very much, they're a good read.  :)
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Offline Henimann

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Re: fluff problem. help me choose!
« Reply #7 on: December 29, 2004, 04:28:26 PM »
Ok.  Thanks for clearing that up.  Like everyone else said, the first story is better, for previously said reasons.  Im really itching to find out what happens next....

Offline Commissar ShoutY

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Re: fluff problem. help me choose!
« Reply #8 on: December 29, 2004, 04:40:52 PM »
i'll leave this open till about 10:15pm (ish) England time. then i'll open a second thread with teh story in it

ok?
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