News: No news is good news...

Login  |  Register

Author Topic: Embers Edition Status Update!  (Read 45453 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : The Lantern's Flame - Scene IV Finale
« Reply #180 on: January 7, 2021, 11:29:52 AM »
Just a few of the stand out features in Lantern Scene 4

Quote
Ara snapped out of the dream - motionless. His amber eyes fluttered open in search of clarity - to anchor himself amidst an impregnable dark. He heard the distant thunder of the Black Sea's waves break on the shores of Irothis. A night wind streamed through cracked open windows and filled the Zakarian Manor with soft lullabies.

 A pillar of eerie moonlight spilled through glassine windows overlooking the city of Irothis. Beyond the moonlight, the mountain reaches were ablaze with civilization now dormant for the night. 

For me the start of this scene is slowed by conflicting imagery. Is it 'impregnably dark', or is the room lit by moonlight? Also 'distant thunder' and 'soft lullabies' clash with each other, as do 'ablaze with civilisation' and 'dormant'.

Something else that confuses the start of this scene is the incorrect use of the words flutter and clarity.

The word flutter means to make a series of quick delicate movements up and down or from side to side, so for me it doesn't represent a manner in which a person would open their eyes. I would suggest writing hesitantly, or maybe reluctantly instead.

Clarity refers to the quality of being clear and easy to understand, see, or hear. It doesn't refer to how clearly you can see. For example, the Lord of the Rings film had a razor-sharp clarity.

One other thing that confuses me when I read this passage is your use of the word glassine. What do you think the word means? It doesn't mean glass like, or even refer to anything made of glass,  so I am left confused as to what you are trying to say.

Quote
Ara realized that he had fallen asleep and dreamt of the fateful hours that had altered his life forever. 

I would suggest that this paragraph is redundant as you have already established that Ara has awoken from a dream at the very start of this scene.

Quote
The warmth of his dream began to fade. Yet the memories of murder and bloodshed - vivid and horrifying as the day he had experienced them - remained. 

For me this paragraph contains conflicting imagery again. The expression 'the warmth of his dream' suggests a pleasant experience, but this conflicts with 'murder and bloodshed'.


Quote
Ara could not bring himself to return to blissful sleep.

Again this seems a bit conflicted as how can Ara be described as returning to blissful sleep when has just woken from a nightmare.

Quote
He climbed out of bed and navigated his pristine chambers in the dark by heart. This time he remembered himself, and gently nudged open the door and stepped out into the flickering orange light of braziers lit along the Eastern Wing’s walls.

In the context of the preceding paragraphs the phrase 'This time he remembered himself' doesn't mean anything and its use leaves me puzzled.

Quote
Ara gracefully swept toward the end of the balcony and leaned heavily on the rail in front of him.

'gracefully swept' seems an odd phrase to use to me. Gracefully means to move in a smooth, relaxed, attractive way, and  'swept' means move swiftly and smoothly. None of this seems apt for a person that is trying to clear his head of a nightmare.

Quote
I considered declining her offer, but after the atrocities Nishan and Jaleh committed here, I always knew that neither you, Aslan, or myself could stay much longer. 

Seven years is a long time, and is too much of a contradiction for the 'not much longer' statement.
« Last Edit: January 7, 2021, 04:33:46 PM by Alienscar »
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Dominion of the Mind - Scene II
« Reply #181 on: January 7, 2021, 03:02:59 PM »
EDIT: Finished implementing all the changes from each of my sources of feedback. Went back to each respective scene in The Lantern Flame and A Child of Sun and Moon and updated each post to the latest version.

Thanks, Alienscar!

Good points again, will definitely make changes to reflect them.


Shoushan watched the evening skies fade into hues of midnight black. An endless ocean of stars glimmered in night's shroud. As wane sunlight died over the Southern Wastes - she felt time's hourglass begin to crack. She imagined the sands spilling through the splintered glass - every grain an event that would determine how the entire continent's fate would unfold. A symbolism of a kind, representing the Khios’ final years becoming finite and gradually spent. 

The Grand Master of the Ashen Circle studied the moonlit dune sea beyond her pane and sighed. She understood what needed to be done - of what Alastrine demanded of her. The Goddess of the Underworld was always a demanding patron - a parasitical force that consumed her own children with frightening gluttony.

Something seemed different about Alastrine’s mood in the last days of Sukhan. Beneath even the hidden lair of the Ashen Circle - Shoushan could feel something pulse from out of hell's gates - the Black Descent. A pulse that made her heart race and her mind think with absolute clarity. She could feel a forbidden strength course throughout her. Time became gradually slower until it seemed the world had grounded to a halt - even as she continued her life as normal. 

Shoushan considered all the dead that languished in the Royal Den of Vipers. She wondered who else could feel Alastrine's beating heart pump infernal blood through their veins. Her burdened mind became alleviated from doubt and distress. Surreal beyond measure - she realized that her emotions were becoming dull – replaced by a dark wrath. Alastrine's divine might channeled through Shoushan like never before- she suddenly knew within her chest that any warrior worthy of her Goddess' dark blessing had felt the same. 

The door to her chambers slid open without warning. Shoushan shut her eyes and waited.

A pair of armored footfalls shuffled into her room - followed by another pair, and then a final pair - Shoushan counted three members of her Inner Circle by their organized steps. She caught their hazed reflections in the dim firelight reflected on her window. Three indistinct figures that seemed made from the essence of shadow.

She turned on a heel to face them, inclining her head out of respect. ‘My Torch Bearers... my conclave with the Carth Dominion has ended. Our only agreement between empire and kingdom is open war. I have declined their proposed alliance. Carth's God-King and his relentless legion of slave warriors are already here in the Southern Wastes. We have little time in our hourglass to act. We shall respond to the Dominion's act of aggression - the Ashen Circle is the defense of all Sukhan - and your Grand Master the Queen of the Southern Wastes.

'Between each of us - sixty thousand await our commands in hidden strongholds scattered across Khios. Jaleh - you shall travel into the heart of Old Zarna and rally our forces there. Karayan - you shall head for the realms of Ak'shan within the heart of the Carth Dominion... Nishan - command our defenses in Sukhan and repulse the Carthite invaders. I may have some guidance on how that goal can be achieved.'

Nishan the Scarred Child emerged into the dim light of the hearth fire. Shoushan gazed upon his grim visage and inclined her head in acknowledgement. 

Nishan did not protest her orders but bent his knee out of fealty. 'Your bidding is my oath.' A vicious grin creased his scarred over lips. 'Between your brain and my brawn, how could we not triumph?'

Shoushan shook her head. 'You shall need to rely on your brawn alone, Scarred Child. I am needed elsewhere.'

Nishan lifted his gaze to look her in the eye. 'Old Myria? Must you leave on the most critical hour of our kingdom’s fate?'

Irritably, Shoushan arched her brow at Nishan. 'Yes. I have my own oaths to fulfill. I must check on an apprentice of mine. You know that I am no commander, Nishan - that is your duty alone. Erasyl shall believe that once he conquers Sukhan - he'll have torn the beating heart from our operations. He seeks to leave our independent rings in disarray - especially when it comes to the Carth Dominion.

‘Tens of thousands of our kindred are scattered across Khios for a myriad of reasons. All we must do is light a beacon for them to rally on. Should our Scarred Child fail and Sukhan crumble into a swift collapse - we shall require a rallying cry. Our hidden bases of operation in Zarna, Ak'shan, and on the fringes of the Southern Wastes shall dispatch messengers to our concealed clandestine rings. These independent circles shall then spread the word across the far corners of their designated regions.'

A dour look flashed across Jaleh's face when she folded her arms out of patience. 'And should Nishan succeed in scattering the Dominion's forces?'

Shoushan nodded. 'We light the beacons in either case. Should Sukhan remain unconquered due to Nishan's unrivaled strategic mind - then our reinforced armies shall have an opportunity to march on many targets considered strategic by the Carth Dominion and the Old Myrian Empire. There lies a chance that Sukhan may be able to alter and change the geopolitical landscape of Khios and carve out many territorial gains of its own.

'Our priority is to undermine our most direct foes - the Dominion. Of course, the quicker tensions flare between Old Myria and the Carth Dominion into open war - the stronger the position Sukhan shall find itself in. Unbeknownst to each of you - these plans have long been set into motion. Should the apprentice that I must visit succeed in her quest to assassinate the Autumn Queen Hazan, then our route to triumphant victory is on the correct path.'

Karayan shook his head. 'As the only one who knew about Voshki's mission aside from Shoushan - I considered it suicide. Voshki's granted mission is an impossible one - she has failed or else we'd have heard something within the last two years.'

Shoushan smirked in Karayan's direction. 'You underestimate her... She is the daughter of a god - as am I. Besides - should she have failed; I know that she at least continues to draw breath. It shall not be the most difficult error to fix - so long as I am the one who goes to correct it... that being said, in the event of my death - Nishan - you'll become the Grand Master of the Ashen Circle.'

Karyan became insistent. 'And should Erasyl happen to pursue you with his agents into Old Myria? And should he discover Voshki by following your lead?'

Shoushan inclined her head in acknowledgement. 'All of that is a certainty. In either case, Erasyl shall find Voshki one way or another. It would only be correct if I came to her protection.'

Jaleh scowled at her. 'A shame that Zagir was never afforded such a shielding love.'

Shoushan clucked her tongue. 'This is different. Zagir is not one of the Children of the Gods. The God-King's claiming of Voshki could be disastrous in this specific instance.'

Karayan interrupted. 'I agree with Jaleh - out of respect and honesty to you, Grand Master. There could be far more of these Children of the Gods scattered across Khios - is each one the God-King finds and claims a disaster on equal proportion with Voshki's importance?'

Shoushan smirked. 'No. Not yet. See to your orders in the meantime. I am headed for Old Myria and shall depart within the next hour. Nishan - what shall you do now that Suannir is nothing more than blackened bone and rubble?'

The Scarred Child rubbed his chin and considered the question. He answered with the certainty of steel. 'I shall depart as well with whatever warriors remain that shall not follow with Jaleh and Karayan. I shall head for the fortress-city of Drummir and muster what forces I can from the region. We'll fortify our positions - see to maintenance for the fortifications that already exist. I am dispatching messengers tonight to all the surrounding cities and villages in the neighboring regions. Should the Carthites unwittingly advance into the nigh-inhospitable dunes of the Southern Wastes - their time here shall be limited.

'Once the frontlines become drawn between Old Myria and the Dominion - I imagine Carth's steady stream of reinforcements into the Southern Wastes shall begin to dwindle. When their armies are expended from their campaign against our lands - our time to counter-strike shall come. We'll scatter what resistance remains into the wastelands - where all of them shall perish. The only caveat is that we must survive until those front lines become drawn.'

Approvingly, Shoushan nodded. 'I have faith in your ability. I understand you would rather have been assigned to Old Myria for unfinished business - but I require your expertise here in Sukhan. Once the war fronts open and you scatter Carth's armies at home - you may yet earn your chance.'

Chortling, Nishan dismissed her with a snort. 'You have little need to bait me with a carrot on a stick. Some consider me a ferocious bear, not some tamed rabbit. I can wait for my retribution -' He reached out and halted Shoushan before she could make to stride past him. 'But I am gladdened that you understand how much I desire a reckoning with the Immortals of Annahir - and Azat.'

Shoushan shrugged. 'I may need a word with the commander of the Annahir Immortals myself. Now step out of my path.'

Nishan blew out a heated breath but did as commanded.

Shoushan tread by her three Bearers of the Ashen Torch and exited her room for the final time. No matter what the future promised to hold in store for anyone - she knew that there would be no return to Suannir or the Ashen Circle's lair for the rest of her days. In either case - it mattered little. She had a war to fight and win.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2021, 05:46:08 PM by Myen'Tal »
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : Progress Update
« Reply #182 on: January 12, 2021, 11:07:29 PM »
So progress update on The Embers of The Past -

Reached 50,000 words last Sunday!!

I also revisited a pretty light outline and mapped out where the rest of the story would go overall.

I've finished the Chapter Names and have put statuses on the Chapters that are either complete or being worked on.

For anyone curious - here is the status page I made for myself to keep up with progress:



The goal is complete the other 50,000 the week before June 7, 2020 - which is the appointment for my manuscript critique by my editor.

Hard to believe that I started this 3.0 build in November... already came a long way!

JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Child of Sun & Moon
« Reply #183 on: January 13, 2021, 08:49:43 AM »
Looks like you are making good progress. Here is a bit of feedback for Sun & Moon

A Child of Sun & Moon

Quote
Kendal knew that he was in a lucid dream - a waking vision that he was unable to cast himself out of. He awoke stranded on a beach that glowed in the moonlight like so much limestone dust.


Cast means to throw something, so in the context of your paragraph is the wrong word.

Whilst you have stated that Kendal knows he is asleep I still find it confusing that the next sentence says that he awoke. As it is clearly established later in the scene that Kendal wakes from a dream, I think you should remove this paragraph and start the scene with the waves coming ashore.

 
Quote
Sea waves hurled themselves onto the shore - crashing in an endless rain of frothing white mist and clear precipitation. A full moon anchored so close to the earth that it seemed enormous, shined down on an endless bed of sparkling waters. It was like the eye of a deity staring down from the heights of heaven - watching on Kendal.

 
This paragraph is made difficult to read due to some of the words used. The word ‘sea’ is an unnecessary embellishment. Precipitation refers to rain not drops of sea water. I also find ‘waves hurling themselves’ and ‘an endless bed of sparkling waters’ to be at odds with each other. This is because I find the first expression to sound turbulent, but I find the second quite serene.

The ‘on’ in ‘watching on Kendal’ is not required
 
Quote
The sea itself seemed burning with a riot of color. The deeper waters glowed in various shades of sapphire and ultramarine, turquoise, and cerulean. The waves crashed over the shore and broke just shy of Kendal's feet. The waters shifted to every shade and hue within the spectrum of color found in a rainbow.


A second paragraph to describe the sea is too much especially as much of it has a circuitous nature. That is, the ‘riot of colour’ reads similar to ‘the waters shifted to every shade’. Also, the ‘waves crashed’ is too similar to ‘the waves hurled themselves. I think you would be better off combining the first two paragraphs to make the start of this scene a quicker experience.

 
Quote
What was this holy place? Where he could reflect on the beauty of his Goddess in solitude? Where he could feel her constant vigil upon him? Deity and devoted were transfixed by some beautiful emotion they shared - but neither seemed willing to place.

 
You have just described a beach with waves and a brightly coloured sea, so the reference to a ‘holy place’ is confusing as it doesn’t match your description. Additionally, the ‘transfixed by some beautiful emotion’ line doesn’t seem connected to what you have previously written either.

I would suggest something similar to this (note that this is just a suggestion and not complete):

Kendal stared at the scene before him in awe. A moon so large that it seemed to fill the sky was shining as brilliantly as a diamond. Where the moonlight hit the ocean, it was ablaze in a kaleidoscope of colour. Shades of sapphire and ultramarine, turquoise, and cerulean flashed and danced in the depths.

As he continued to stare at the magical scene in front of him a voice filled the air, the sound of which filled him with longing.

Quote
From the night sky - ablaze with the brilliance of countless stars - Kendal could hear her gentle lullaby steal away all that he was.
 
'You'll always be my beloved. My devoted...
 
'A Child of sun and moon...
 
'You are the bridge that arches over the chasms of darkness...
 
''And the evening star sighted between dusk and night.
 
'Your devotion is the promise of a loyal oath…
 
'Languish on these shores for all your nights...
 
'And await the coming of the dawn...
 
'Where we shall become one soul...
 
'Sun and moon...
 
Kendal heard the intimate words and felt himself slipping free of his dream state. The shores of this Opal and Crystalline Sea began to fade into hues of black - until only the brilliance of the stars and moon became lights in an impregnable dark...


Listened to rather than heard would be a better word.

Intimate means personal and private and I don’t find much in the ‘lullaby’ that gives the impression of intimacy.

For me the last part of the sentence ‘until the brilliance of the stars and moon became lights’ doesn’t make any sense. This is because it seems to be saying the light of the stars became lights in the dark. I think it would be better if you stopped at the previous sentence that ends in 'black’
 
Quote
Kendal snapped back into reality and found himself in the comfort of his chambers.  He laid in his bed for a brief period, paralyzed while his mind raced for clarity and an explanation for his dreams. His heart began to hammer in his chest out of a sense of urgency.


The first sentence of this paragraph doesn’t gel with the overall feel of what has gone before. That is, ‘he found himself’ lends an air of confusion to the sentence, but everything before this is quite serene. It is plain that Kendal went to sleep in his own bed and he also knew that he was dreaming, so in context it shouldn’t surprise him that he is still in bed when he wakes up.

‘He laid’ should be ‘He lay’

For me everything after paralysed mildly clashes with what has gone before.

‘’holy place’, ‘reflect on the beauty’, ‘solitude’, ‘some beautiful emotion’, ‘gentle lullaby’, ‘languish’ and ‘intimate words’; none of this portrays urgency or imminent danger.
 
 
Quote
Kendal hurried about his chambers to pack his most precious belongings. He added them into an indiscreet bag, then glanced about his chambers one last time. He remembered himself and grabbed an elegant long sword - sheathed in the scabbard - from its display case and fixed it to his belt.


Indiscreet bag! Indiscreet means not careful in saying or doing things that should be kept secret. Did you mean nondescript? In the context of this paragraph the words ‘he remembered himself’ do not mean anything and causes confusion because of this.

 
Quote
Kendal could not deny the truth - he was haunted.
 

From a reader’s perspective one short dream does not represent a haunting, so Kendal’s 'truth' doesn’t make sense.

 
Quote
The orangish stone that created the tiles never changed.


Created is the wrong word. Tiles are made from stone not created by stone. That is, I think ‘The orangish stone of the tiled floor did not change...’ would work better.

Actually, I think it would probably be best if you dropped this first sentence as I would suggest that the repeated mention of the orangish stone is not required.


Quote
Kendal reached a single heavy oak door that blocked the path to the stables. A point of no return once he crossed through it. Maybe the unrest would never spiral out of control as he feared? Could there be another alternative than fleeing his life as a devoted crusader of Hanneth?


Sorry Myen’Tal I am confused again. If he is fleeing his life why has he dressed himself in the uniform of a Vale Knight? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to dress in ‘civvies’

Also, I am confused by the ‘unrest’ you mention. It isn’t clear to me how being attacked by Hallish mercenaries has led to unrest in the town.
 
 
Quote
Faife chuckled. ‘Merely another chore. Get out of here before more zealots show up screaming for murder and blood.' She paused. 'You’ll be missed, Half-Blood. Just answer me one question…’
 
‘I am guilty.’ Kendal confessed. ‘I’ve committed murder in my own defense. Any Warden would have the right to take me.’


To be honest Myen'Tal I do not understand this response. That is, from everything that has gone before I do not see the reason for the question or understand why Kendal has a need to feel guilty.

Question for you Myen’Tal. What do you think the aim of this scene is and do you think you have achieved that aim? Of the 54 paragraphs that make up this scene nineteen of them describe Kendal leaving his room and walking to the stable. I think that that number of paragraphs is too many and muddies the focus of the scene.

One other issue I have with this scene is that its structure/content is too similar to scene 4 of Lantern. A man wakes from a dream, remembers a recent slaughter whilst going for a walk and talks to someone before they depart their home. It all gives a sense of déjà vu.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 08:55:46 AM by Alienscar »
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : Progress Update
« Reply #184 on: January 13, 2021, 09:53:02 AM »
Hi Alienscar!

Quote
I won't disagree that the scene needs work and perhaps an overhaul - but I did want to address some of your concerns.

This paragraph is made difficult to read due to some of the words used. The word ‘sea’ is an unnecessary embellishment. Precipitation refers to rain not drops of sea water. I also find ‘waves hurling themselves’ and ‘an endless bed of sparkling waters’ to be at odds with each other. This is because I find the first expression to sound turbulent, but I find the second quite serene.

The ‘on’ in ‘watching on Kendal’ is not required

Yeah I have a tendency to do this and don't know why it seems to so natural to me as to not stand out. It was actually worse before someone pointed out several other words ;D.

Quote
You have just described a beach with waves and a brightly coloured sea, so the reference to a ‘holy place’ is confusing as it doesn’t match your description. Additionally, the ‘transfixed by some beautiful emotion’ line doesn’t seem connected to what you have previously written either.

I would suggest something similar to this (note that this is just a suggestion and not complete):

Kendal stared at the scene before him in awe. A moon so large that it seemed to fill the sky was shining as brilliantly as a diamond. Where the moonlight hit the ocean, it was ablaze in a kaleidoscope of colour. Shades of sapphire and ultramarine, turquoise, and cerulean flashed and danced in the depths.

As he continued to stare at the magical scene in front of him a voice filled the air, the sound of which filled him with longing.

I like your suggestion and will definitely keep it in mind once I start making changes.

I think it's a matter of perspective on whether a place is holy to that specific individual. Kendal is fully aware in his dreamscape - and is in a place that simply does not exist in the physical world. The Sea itself is unnatural and the sands of the shore glow in the moonlight like a luminous limestone. Plus, there's a Goddess whispering to him too  ;), so I think Kendal would think it a spiritual place.

Sometimes holiness is found within nature itself - doesn't always require a temple or shrine to make it obvious.

Quote
Sorry Myen’Tal I am confused again. If he is fleeing his life why has he dressed himself in the uniform of a Vale Knight? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to dress in ‘civvies’

Also, I am confused by the ‘unrest’ you mention. It isn’t clear to me how being attacked by Hallish mercenaries has led to unrest in the town.

I think it's a personal choice - Kendal could defend himself when attacked or try to avoid combat in the way you mentioned - but then he loses something quite precious to him. I'll give a good think on that topic.

I meant to say that it was Halish rabble rousers that assaulted the Old Myrian delegation - not mercenaries - I may have absent-mindedly just wrote that instead. Kendal also wasn't aware of how or why the event happened.


Quote
Question for you Myen’Tal. What do you think the aim of this scene is and do you think you have achieved that aim? Of the 54 paragraphs that make up this scene nineteen of them describe Kendal leaving his room and walking to the stable. I think that that number of paragraphs is too many and muddies the focus of the scene.

Sorry that you had such difficulties with this one. Sometimes the vision doesn't translate so well into writing  :P. I agree it does need work. I'll have to think on how to make this scene more impactful and story driven.


Quote
One other issue I have with this scene is that its structure/content is too similar to scene 4 of Lantern. A man wakes from a dream, remembers a recent slaughter whilst going for a walk and talks to someone before they depart their home. It all gives a sense of déjà vu.

This is actually fully intentional, but I am now aware that perhaps I should aim for something a bit different.

Thanks for the feedback, you've given me a lot to think about  :). I'm going to go ahead and place this chapter under construction. I see there are some issues that do need to be addressed.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2021, 10:04:34 AM by Myen'Tal »
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : Progress Update
« Reply #185 on: January 13, 2021, 03:47:03 PM »


Quote from: Alienscar
Sorry Myen’Tal I am confused again. If he is fleeing his life why has he dressed himself in the uniform of a Vale Knight? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to dress in ‘civvies’

I think it's a personal choice - Kendal could defend himself when attacked or try to avoid combat in the way you mentioned - but then he loses something quite precious to him. I'll give a good think on that topic.

So I am confused again. If the life of being a Vale Knight is so precious to him why is he giving it up so easily?

I would also think that he could still defend himself without having to wear a uniform that represents a life he is trying to leave behind.

Just wondering did you mean to write fleeing for his life rather than fleeing his life?


Quote from: Alienscar
Also, I am confused by the ‘unrest’ you mention. It isn’t clear to me how being attacked by Hallish mercenaries has led to unrest in the town.

I meant to say that it was Halish rabble rousers that assaulted the Old Myrian delegation - not mercenaries - I may have absent-mindedly just wrote that instead. Kendal also wasn't aware of how or why the event happened.

That's my fault Myen'Tal you did call them rabble-rousers, but I called them mercenaries in my response. I did this because your description of emissaries attacking the Myrian's sounds military in nature rather than the work of rabble-rousers. This is because rabble-rouser means a clever speaker who can persuade a group of people to behave violently or aggressively, often for the speaker's own political advantage.
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : Progress Update
« Reply #186 on: January 13, 2021, 04:56:44 PM »


Quote from: Alienscar
Sorry Myen’Tal I am confused again. If he is fleeing his life why has he dressed himself in the uniform of a Vale Knight? Wouldn’t it make more sense for him to dress in ‘civvies’

I think it's a personal choice - Kendal could defend himself when attacked or try to avoid combat in the way you mentioned - but then he loses something quite precious to him. I'll give a good think on that topic.

So I am confused again. If the life of being a Vale Knight is so precious to him why is he giving it up so easily?

I would also think that he could still defend himself without having to wear a uniform that represents a life he is trying to leave behind.

Just wondering did you mean to write fleeing for his life rather than fleeing his life?


Quote from: Alienscar
Also, I am confused by the ‘unrest’ you mention. It isn’t clear to me how being attacked by Hallish mercenaries has led to unrest in the town.

I meant to say that it was Halish rabble rousers that assaulted the Old Myrian delegation - not mercenaries - I may have absent-mindedly just wrote that instead. Kendal also wasn't aware of how or why the event happened.

That's my fault Myen'Tal you did call them rabble-rousers, but I called them mercenaries in my response. I did this because your description of emissaries attacking the Myrian's sounds military in nature rather than the work of rabble-rousers. This is because rabble-rouser means a clever speaker who can persuade a group of people to behave violently or aggressively, often for the speaker's own political advantage.

After some thinking I am seeing what you're saying. There just isn't enough reason to justify why Kendal is being forced into this massive change in his life. I actually have brewed up a good number of ideas on how to rectify this issue and the rest of the chapter going forward.

It's going to change a lot narrative wise, but that'll probably be for the best. It'll still into a similar path for Kendal's narrative arc.

Thanks for explanation of rabble-rousers, will keep that in mind.

EDIT: Alienscar, you've awoken a beast of a chapter!  ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: January 14, 2021, 08:49:17 PM by Myen'Tal »
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
So a few things to mention:

This chapter is about 75% completed and is definitely going to clock past 6,000 words, it's my second longest chapter, but I think I've done a good job pumping it full of narrative. This is the beginning of Kendal's story, and since he begins in the Western Hemisphere - I decided to go back to my original idea to focus on the events that beset Kindle in his homestead.

- While I thought up some really cool alternate ideas for Kendal in the meantime - I also decided that his original chapter didn't seem to mesh with the overall story that well - not in narrative and not in atmosphere as well. 

- I decided on an origin narrative that is a bit grittier and morbid for Kendal. He is still the same - but I've given him more of an edge rather being a devoted priest. I had to give him a splash of Crusader ;)
 
- I also thought on your opinion, Alienscar, on the place in Kendal's dream. While I was initially happy with it, your opinion does get me thinking that it maybe a little too generic to shine as something special. I've decided that I'm going to try to make something more unique and memorable when I do the revision of that scene.

~******~

Kendal Qallin watched drifting curtains of heavy snow bury what remained of the Dawn Fields. A frozen wind came slicing through his Dusk Wolf cloak and black quilted armor. His breaths were frosted around his mouth and an aching cold oozed into to the marrow of his bones. 

An endless snowfall continued unabated as it had for several months in the Kingdom of Hallorn. 

Qenroth, his storm grey stallion waded through the deep snow that buried the once resplendent farmlands of the Dawn Fields. Longingly, he tried to remember the same stretch of golden wheat from the days of his childhood. He searched for the isolated farmsteads and burgeoning villages that once populated this region. 

Scattered debris were all that remained of the homesteads - charred to ash from the destructive fires of war. The once prosperous villagers were nothing more than skeletal remains, corpses picked clean of flesh hung high from their shade trees. Unburied remains of countless others lay buried amid the ruin.

Kendal shivered underneath his armor, biting back an embittered anguish. He glanced over his shoulder to share a concerned look with his mentor Vindiaccos. Melancholy burdened his words. 'The Dawn Fields... I remember coming here often as a child. Before I came to Raven’s Croft – these villages and my home in the Deep Woods of the Mist Hollow were all that I knew.'

Vindiaccos of the Raven Vale Knights steered his mount to Kendal's side. 'Don't surrender to despair, my apprentice. Your parents may yet live. Of the Dawn Fields, nothing remains. You should be cautious, however, that the Mist Hollow has likely devolved into a battlefield. Your home remains secluded in the heart of the Deep Wood. Your manor may have avoided the destruction thus far.'

Kendal shook his head. He felt fear beginning to weigh heavy on his heart. 'Do you think our enemies would hesitate to enter the Deep Woods? The Lani Elves have thrived in such secluded regions for centuries upon centuries.' He smiled briefly out of disbelief. His misty breath streamed from frosted lips, the smile fading. 'I had always thought them a benign race... it is difficult to witness the carnage left in their wake. What could have roused them into such a frenzy, I wonder?'

Vindiaccos chose not to answer. The elder warrior placed a firm gauntlet on Kendal's shoulder and shook it gently. 'Do you want me to come with you? You’ve one hundred of my finest veterans behind us at your beck and call.' 

He gestured toward the deafening disturbance of armor jostling and war dirges sung through the howling winds. Kendal spared a glance over his shoulder to see a lengthened column of raven clad knights mounted on horseback forging a trail through the endless white fields. A score of banners woven from grey, black, and silver thread marked the elite cavalcade - heraldry of the Raven perched upon a chalice fluttering in the breeze. 

Kendal considered the mighty host, then glanced back at Vindiaccos. He answered him with a grim shake of his head. 

'No.' The apprentice youth solemnly declared. 'I'll be fine. Our brethren are needed to protect the villages of Mist Hollow – any that still endure. You’ll only slow me down. Should I encounter any Lani warbands, I shall come galloping for you. Once I find my parents and get them to safety, I'll come find you again.' 

Vindiaccos narrowed his eyes as if he wanted to protest further. He kept his silence. His concerned frown brightened, his countenance taking on his famous cheerful flare. He reached out and punched his apprentice in the shoulder. 'Your father shall come to like Raven's Croft - city of night. Tell your mother Akine that she shall adore the grand halls of Hanneth's Temple... You told me that she is a woman of the faith.' 

Kendal felt a reminiscent smile overcome him for the briefest moment before concern began to weary him again. 'My mother is my inspiration. Everything that I've sacrificed in this life to become a Crusader of Hanneth - it was for her. She believes I have a gift for sharing Hanneth's teachings to everyone.'

Vindiaccos nodded, understanding. 'And what about your father? Does he not approve of Heaven's Light? Stoic Rynath, I used to call him. Always unbending like finely honed steel. Always patient in the face of every challenge - no matter the severity... I could imagine why he would not accept one of mankind's deities, but that aside - show him what you've learned under my guidance, should push comes to shove.' 

Kendal nodded, then spurred Qenroth in the direction of the Deep Woods and home. Over the course of years, the woodlands of Mist Hollow had conquered much of the fertile fields by neglect alone. What thrived here had become burgeoning and overgrown outskirts. 

Qenroth trotted farther into the woods until the gloom between the black earth and the forest canopy began to envelope him. 

Vindiaccos' voice called out from behind him, proud and encouraging. He shouted. 'We shall meet again underneath this bleak daylight. Let the Heavenly Flame continue to blaze in your chest and warm you against the onslaught of winter! We shall meet again my apprentice!' 

Gradually, the twisting roots of the Deep Wood’s foundations twisted up the heights of steep hills and weathered cliff faces. Mist Hollow seemed to grow and abound around him with life, teetering higher and higher until the snow laden canopy blotted out the wane light of the sun. Qenroth forded half-frozen creeks and placid streams, trotting over wooden bridges into the thick of nature's labyrinth. 

Peering through the endless drifting white veil, Kendal searched for any signs of the Lani. From the heart of the forest, the howling of wolves echoed out of the shadows. Here and there, slender shapes darted through the woodland brush nearby. Kendal easily discerned them as quiet creatures from the way they kept their distance. He remained on guard for any wolves on the hunt. 

Kendal continued his search - and noticed a hazy shape coalescing through the mist and snow on the road. He craned his head in either direction to adjust himself to his surroundings. He tasted the familiar scent of charred wood and ash on his tongue. He listened to the wailing wind but heard nothing beyond the natural forest life. As Qenroth trotted along the main road, Kendal’s onyx eyes picked out the tell-tale signs of a travelers’ caravan - ambushed, the wagons scorched into ruin and a score of bodies scattered about the site of the massacre. 

Kendal reigned Qenroth to a sudden halt at the edge of the skirmish’s perimeter. A sudden sense of fear quickened his heart - the Lani Elves had not withdrawn after their slaughter of the Dawn Fields. They were still on the rampage and continuing to plunge farther into the Deep Wood. 

A subtle crack - like the snapping of a tiny twig shattered the uneasy tranquility of the forest. 

Kendal made no sign of acknowledging the sound and slipped out of his saddle. His leather boots vanished amid the deep white earth. He searched the immediate area for any signs of life. After a brief assessment of his surroundings, he waded through the deep snow and approached the decimated caravan. 

He stumbled first upon the corpse of a young woman - no more than twenty summers of age. Beneath the layers of animal hides was a silk dress of burgundy and off-white. Kendal knelt next to her and realized she had survived for some time from the slender arrows embedded in her torso. A gruesome and agonizing death, but Kendal knew that she had succumbed to the blizzard's merciful sleep inducing cold. She was frozen stiff. Coagulated blood frosted over had once trickled from her lips and continued to build up behind the teeth. 

Kendal grimaced as he gazed upon the distressing sight, transfixed. He whispered to the deceased woman. 'Hanneth's light reveal the hidden paths for you...' He picked himself up and continued to search through the caravan. 

The supply wagons were ransacked by whoever had slaughtered their owners and guardians. Scattered across the main road were shattered chests, broken open by force both natural and applied. All manner of currencies were spilled out across the blood-stained snow. What Kendal had noticed was the lack of essential supplies needed to survive a journey. 

The only mark of the Lani left at the site of the ambush was a forest floor riddled with a hail of spent arrows. Of course, they had left behind their victims as well to freeze amidst the Black Blizzard. Several minutes of thorough searching left Kendal with precious little. He stood over the carcass of a workhorse slain under a barrage of feathered and steel-tipped shafts and shook his head in resignation. 

As the mist of his own breath evaporated into the snow-wracked air, he noticed another subtle breaking of twigs from behind him. The sound came more forceful this time, followed by the indistinct noise of another footfall pushing something forward into a bounding rush. 

Kendal surrendered to instinct. Whirling around on one heel with a hand on the hilt of his sheathed sword, he came face to face with a dark and hazy shape rapidly darting toward him through the endless veil of snow. 

He unsheathed his long sword with a shrill cry - practically ripping it out of the scabbard to parry the pouncing strike of the dim figure's long spear. Their weapons collided in a shower of sparks that stung Kendal's frosted features. The blurred outline hurtled past him; such was the speed of his charge. 

The living shadow clarified into a slender form - all lithe muscle and grey skin darker than the brooding skies over the Mist Hollow. Lustrous raven hair flowed around her, caught in the wind like graceful eels surging through gentle waters. She was clad in dull grey leathers to match her skin and the fresh pelts of slain foxes and wolves. 

She looked up and regarded Kendal with ocean blue eyes that sparkled like the waters of the deep sea. Her scarred lips were pale and full as she pursed them into a confident smile. The only flaw on her perfect features was a nasty crimson wound carved from her forehead down to the bottom of her jaw. He was convinced that if the blood had not coagulated and frosted over, her skull would be visible beneath the deep cut. 

Kendal felt himself unconsciously lift his hands in a non-hostile action, but suddenly took in the sight of the massacre around them. He noticed the way her leather boot was planted so triumphantly over one of the bodies. He noticed too, the brief assessment of her eyes over Kendal and the contentment in her sigh. 

He blinked and the Lani blitzed forth through snow and charred rubble as if they were not even obstacles. Kendal felt his instinct guide him and he flowed into the natural swing that parried the long spear yet again. Undeterred, the Lani weaved around his counterstroke, a diagonal cut that would cleave her chest open. She pivoted on her left foot and pushed off it, her elbow crashing into Kendal's temple, throwing him off balance. 

Kendal shouted in frustration and pain from her careless cut across his cheekbone. From the way she intentionally grazed him, he knew she liked to toy with her prey. 

The lioness pounced again, her long spear retracted for a thrust through the meat and bone of his thigh right above the knee. Kendal widened his stance so that the spear passed between his legs. He threw an armored fist toward the elf's tantalizing face, but she only laughed and slunk beyond his immediate reach. 

Kendal back-pedaled as the Lani came forth for another bout. 

He reversed his retreat into a cautious engagement. He cut low with his blade toward the flank of her right calf, but found his probing strike countered. She fluidly followed into an uppercut, then a forward thrust as Kendal deflected the earlier strike. Kendal swatted the strike from out of his path, then followed into a flurry of cutting blows. 

The Lioness danced around each of his attacks as if they were that of a child's. Whenever Kendal drew back to recover his stamina, she countered with an assault of her own - likewise deflected. The combat endured as such for minutes on end, each passing second already like the dwindling sands of an hourglass.

It was a sword dance - an experience that Kendal had never known before. Though he struggled for his life - there was something intimate and alluring in reading his opponent's moves and playful manner - as she too read into his own struggle to keep up with her. 

Kendal could not tell if he was doomed or if she was simply too hesitant to try and land the mortal blow. 

Seeing an advantage, Kendal suddenly feinted to his left, then came down with a chopping blow to bring the Lioness to heel. 

The Lani elf halted his movement in mid-execution with an elbow pinned against the pit of his supporting arm - risen for the killing strike. Kendal cursed - realizing that he had left an opening that would see him dead. The elf lunged into him... and meshed her pale lips onto his frosted ones. She gently shut her eyes for the briefest moment, then pulled away. 

Too stunned, Kendal allowed her to slip out of his guard and vanish amidst the endless white veil - laughing at him all the while. He watched her fade into the hanging mist, his mind only beginning to register that the threat to his life had ended for the time being.

Kendal sneered in disgust, more at his own weakness than anything else. 

He considered his enigmatic attacker and sighed out of disbelief. 'Who was that?'
~***~
« Last Edit: January 22, 2021, 09:34:53 AM by Myen'Tal »
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Child of Sun and Moon - 2nd Revision - Scene I
« Reply #188 on: January 15, 2021, 04:24:11 AM »
Quote

- I also thought on your opinion, Alienscar, on the place in Kendal's dream. While I was initially happy with it, your opinion does get me thinking that it maybe a little too generic to shine as something special. I've decided that I'm going to try to make something more unique and memorable when I do the revision of that scene.

Thinking about it some more I think the reason Kendal's beach scene didn't work for me was because of Lantern Scene 1. Kendal's beach comes so soon after the beach that Ara and Aslan sparred on that it is hard to separate them in my mind.

Also amongst other things holy means; specially recognized as or declared sacred by religious use or authority; consecrated; dedicated or devoted to the service of God, the church, or religion; a place of worship; sacred place. For me a beach doesn't fulfil any of these descriptions.

I am not sure if it would work, but if Kendal can commune with God's maybe it would be easier if he just heard voices in his sleep rather than being transported to some hard to describe special place.
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Crimson Blizzard - 3rd Revision 1/22 - Scene II
« Reply #189 on: January 15, 2021, 01:59:19 PM »
Quote
I am not sure if it would work, but if Kendal can commune with God's maybe it would be easier if he just heard voices in his sleep rather than being transported to some hard to describe special place.

Yeah I've thought about it some more too and realized that this particular thread in Kendal's narrative may not truly be that necessary - or can be altered into something more interesting, as you mentioned.

I am removing that scene from this chapter and not re-writing it. Right now the entire chapter is about at 75% completion.

~********************~

​ Qenroth galloped out of the Deep Wood into the outskirts of the Qallin manor grounds. A miasma of snow kicked up from the stallion's hooves obscured Kendal's coming through the white veil. As mount and rider darted across the snow buried field, urgent shouts in an unfamiliar tongue pursued him out of the thinning woods.   

 He spurred Qenroth onward, reaching full tilt.   

Kendal could find no elven raiders visible in plain sight. An arrow whistled overhead, carried off by the winter wind. Another arrow came mere inches shy of puncturing him beneath his ribs. Creeping shadows hidden in the woods flanked him with a constant hail of arrows, but the miasma of grounded snow kicked up from Qenroth's hooves distracted their aim.   

Kendal and his mount cleared the low wall built on the perimeter of the outlying farmlands. Slender grey figures laid waste to the armed guards and farmhands standing their ground in the barren fields. Fires raged amid isolated sheds and animal barns scattered over the manor grounds. Herds of frightened horses scattered from the infernos into the thick of the Deep Woods.   

Kendal readied his sword and slew one of the Lani guerilla fighters as the Raven Knight passed him by. His home finally began to manifest through the thick veil of snow. Half of Qallin Manor blazed against the dreary midday light. A thick smog billowed through the crumbling remains as the flames grew hungrier.

Qenroth galloped through the broken inner gate of the Manor and up the cobbled path towards the door. As Kendal got close to the house, he reined Qenroth to a halt and vaulted off his horse to challenge the six warriors blocking his route. As he ran through the blood-soaked slush of the path towards the warriors, he quickly sized them up. They all had grey skin and they all wore leather armor covered in the pelts of various animals. 

The Lani gathered in opposition did not blockade the patio as he anticipated, but instead withdrew through the manor doors into the burning building. Kendal readied his blade and chased after them as they vanished behind the choking smog, one after the other. 

Kendal approached the smoke belching entrance of the manor, recoiling from an intense heat emanated from the burning house. He lifted the sleeve of his quilted armor to shield himself from the acrid smoke warding him away.   

He stopped himself from plunging headlong into the ruins, taking a moment to compose himself and regain some semblance of concentration. He readied his sword out in front of him and quietly entered the burning manor. What little sunlight that graced the world outside dwindled in the dim and smoke shrouded corridors of the Qallin estate.   

Kendal came into the main hall that he had always known. Silently, he pressed through the scattered debris of ruined decorations, shattered chandeliers, and busted frames. Any memory of his childhood, he intentionally blocked out of his mind. He kept his sword poised to strike, his eyes peeled, and his ears listening for even the slightest disturbance.   

Kendal approached the entrance of an inconspicuous room, sliding his back against the wall and slinking forward. His onyx gaze studied the shut door of the adjacent room across the hall. A sudden crackle of splintering wood followed by the collapse of a single piece of timber behind him seized his attention.

The Lani elf hidden on the other side of the wall burst through the open room, spear angled perfectly to stab Kendal through the throat. Kendal parried the strike swiftly even as another grey raider came charging from the adjacent room. He reacted swiftly, pulling himself away from his nearest assailant and deflecting a quick slash for his eyes from his other opponent.

Kendal distanced himself from either foe, weaving his sword in constant parrying motions against their offensive onslaught. Gradually forced back toward the main hall entrance, one of the elves suddenly overextended himself. Kendal disabused the raider of any notion of triumph. He answered his zealous foe with a brutal riposte, cleaving open the tribal elf’s chest underneath all the leather armor and furs that shielded him. 

Screaming from the stinging pain, the elven bandit fell to his knees between Kendal and his spear-wielding comrade. The spear bandit did not hesitate, but gracefully weaved over his dying comrade’s back the moment he had sagged onto his hands.

Goaded by impatience, Kendal aggressively pushed into his foe’s guard. The dancing spear elf managed to weave around his first strikes without effort. The Tribal bandit followed fluidly into a thrust meant to ram straight through Kendal’s gut. 

The young apprentice lashed his blade out in a blur of movement, severing the head of the spear quicker than either of them could track. Kendal followed hard on his opponent’s heels, the guerilla fighter scrambling back for distance. He blinked in the moment he lunged forward and loomed over the dancing spear warrior when he opened his eyes again.

His long sword became a blur in his hands, becoming such a hateful force that it parted through the grey elf’s neck without effort. Surprised by his own strength, Kendal cried out as the head flew off the bandit’s shoulders. The corpse staggered at first, then slumped against the wall till it smacked the floor with a loud thud.   

A shriek of agony cut through the sound of burning wood and rampaging destruction toward the corridor's end. Kendal hurried through the corridor, his pace quickening with the hammering in his chest. As he began to sprint through the narrow stretch of hall, he heard the graceful clashing of swords echo amidst the burning fires.   

A voice in an unfamiliar language called out as a female of the Lani warband ducked back into the hall. From her unprepared stance and utter look of horror as Kendal came bearing down on her, she had expected her two brethren instead of him.   

Her hands immediately went for the sheathed daggers dangling from her hips. Kendal slammed an armored fist against her temple with enough force to lay her out on the floor. Disoriented, she still managed to scramble back from him on trembling limbs. The thought of the blood that stained her hands came across his mind for the briefest moment. 

Kendal pushed the thought aside – it would be just to end the bandit there and then. Instead, as the elven female raised a dagger in her defense, Kendal rushed past her toward the source of clashing steel. 

By the time Kendal had rushed through the rest of the main hall and turned the corner– a lull had descended upon the Grand Foyer.

Rynath Qallin stood with the proud bearing of a centuries old Ishalnan elf. Even amidst the cloying smoke, his pallid skin shimmered with sweat and reflected the dancing light of the flames. He was garbed in nothing more than a fine satin black robe pulled over his silken clothes. He wielded a slender sword in one hand and nothing in the other. Despite their superior numbers, a pair bandit elf lay dead at his feet.   

The four remaining survivors had managed to surround him, one of them having slipped behind Rynath to hold Akine, his wife and Kendal's mother, by spear point. 

Akine kept an air of poise and grace that outmatched even that of the desperate raiders that cornered her and his father. In her amber eyes, Kendal could find no fear. Her caramel skin was unblemished from burns or weapon cuts - the Lani had not bothered to lay a finger on her – not while Rynath defended her. A cloak of the winter shades was layered over a dress comprised of several thin robes of pallid silk.   

His mother's composure seemed at odds with the brutal reality besetting the Qallin family - until she noticed Kendal out of the corner of her eye. She reached out with one hand toward him and made to shout a warning at him. It was an unreasonable action for the Lani holding her hostage. He retracted his spear arm for a thrust through Akine's torso in the moment that Rynath gracefully turned to strike the offender dead.   

Both struck at once - their weapons a blur of steel that had no chance of countering the other. Akine staggered onto her knees, a spear head rammed through her gut. Her offender had perished from a cleaved skull before she could hit the base of the stairwell.   

The remaining elves swept toward Rynath the moment he made to defend his family. Kendal mobilized and threw his sword overhead and straight through the throat of a foe who had finally noticed his silent entry. His two comrades hesitated in their charge briefly, taken unawares.   

Rynath weaved between them with a grace and speed that even they lacked. His sword left its mark on their flesh in the form of fatal wounds as he passed them by. Before he had even come to a stop, his foes slumped onto the Grand Foyer's marble floor, dying rapidly.   

His father did not even pause to take a breath or process what had happened. He followed into the exit of his combat stance with a sharp turn, rushing to Akine's side. Kendal searched the foyer for anymore enemies and determined that no one else would be mad enough to enter this blazing house of ruin. 

He reclaimed his sword and joined his father by the stairwell.   

Rynath cradled Akine in his arms and propped her up even as she whispered her final words in his ears. Kendal knelt to better hear her, but all that he had gleaned from their brief conversation was the comforting look his mother gave him a final time. Kendal made to open his mouth in the same moment her strength fled.   

She had perished before he could say anything.   

Rynath looked to Kendal with that stoic gaze he always had about him. He wondered if anything could ever break that stony visage of his.   

His father spoke hurriedly. 'Come, Kendal. This manor will collapse over us at any given moment.'   

Kendal attempted to process everything that had just happened and failed. 'Wait a moment...'   

His father cut through the fog of grief plaguing his son's mind. 'Kendal, there's no time. We cannot avenge Akine if neither of us escape from this place. I've lost your mother, but our time is waning, and I refuse to let you perish due to your distracted thoughts. Ready your sword, there shall be a fight when we make our escape. Is Qenroth with you?'   

Kendal blew out a heated breath but repressed his desire to protest Rynath's disconnected demeanor. He wanted to say so many things in that moment but knew that his father was ultimately right. There was no time for anything but escaping their farmstead and the Mist Hollow with their lives.'   

Kendal shook his head, his mind clearing. 'When I arrived here, there were scores in the field. They were murdering everyone.'   

Rynath sighed. 'I asked if Qenroth was with you, not about the odds.'   

Kendal shot him an irritable look. 'Of course, no other steed could arrive here so fast.'   

Rynath smiled faintly, about as pleased an expression as anyone was likely to get out of him. 'A faithful steed unto the end. Good, we should find our friend before these barbarians put him in the frozen earth.' He searched Kendal's eyes for weakness and grunted in surprise. 'You've changed. Never have I noticed such steel in your eyes... or so much darkness. Perhaps your mentor has taught you something about life after all.'   

Kendal frowned, his impatience growing. 'Are we going or not?'   

Rynath's gaze did not waver. 'That depends... are you ready? Blood shall be spilled, and I am determined it will not be any more of ours.'   

Kendal returned his father's expectant gaze and nodded. 'I know some years have passed... I'll show you that Hanneth carries some steel of her own and that her faithful can put it to good use.'   

Rynath's smirk became a neutral mask, but he nodded. 'We shall see. I am expecting to be impressed. The killing does not cease until we've left this place behind us.'   

Kendal inclined his head in agreement. 

Kendal bolted after his father, who bounded forth with an effortless speed. They rushed through the entrance of the Grand Foyer and out into the burning winter landscape of a battlefield covered in blood and snow. The Lani slaughtering in the outlying fields were not where Kendal had left them upon his arrival. Scattered still, the grey elves were naturally congregating toward the main attraction - Kendal's half-collapsed homestead.   

Nearly anyone who had survived the carnage thus far were being trapped and killed off, one after the other. Those of the raiders who had nothing left to kill for sport, had gathered outside the Grand Foyer, some feet away from the base of the entrance stairs. Kendal counted about a dozen warriors dressed in battered leathers and sporting vicious scars across their bodies. By the way they readied their weapons in a collective manner, they had been expecting someone to come fleeing into them.   

Kendal cursed, shaking his head. 'This is suicide.' 

Rynath nodded in agreement, he cast a knowing look at his son. 'Should we have no choice, then we'll die with dignity.'   

Kendal swept his gaze across the fields as the last remaining innocents who protected the Qallin manor were put to the sword. As more bands of Lani began to congregate to their location, only then did their numbers become apparent. He took in the sight of a few hundred of the druidic elves amassing before him and his father. 

Kendal glanced toward his father. 'Why are there so many gathered here? This farmstead is no different than anywhere else. It's almost as if they made coming here a priority.'   

Rynath made to answer his question but was interrupted by a face familiar to Kendal.   

The Lioness he had encountered at the ambushed caravan pushed her way to the fore of the crowd. She spoke fluently in Halish.   

She looked to Rynath. 'Go ahead. Lay your weapons down. It should be an obvious sight that you stand no chance of beating our numbers.'   

Rynath shook his head. 'You've spared no one else. You do not even know me. Why ask us to lay down our arms after butchering this manor here so treacherously?' 

The Lioness smiled in that sly, playful way that she had. 'I know your son well enough by now. The dance of our blades is a memory made to last into the years. He is a handsome man. He would do well as my slave. To warm my bed while I'm away and warm it hotter still when I return.'   

Grim laughter rippled through the warband's dense formation.   

Rynath sighed. 'Over my corpse, would you take him. Let us not mince words. Your head or mine - claimed in personal combat.'   

The Lioness' smile withered. 'I've no need to prove myself to a dead father. I've killed enough of those already.' She announced. 'But I am being remiss. You should at least know my name. I am Ishali Winterwood of the Black Wolves. Remember that and speak it to the gods your soul is promised to.’ 

Ishali considered them both and waved in dismissal. 'Lay down your arms and you both survive. Or fight and you'll die - at least one of you.' She smiled at Kendal with lustful eyes. 'Either way makes no difference, but it's my last generous offer. The next one shall be far more taxing on your bodily health, old elf.'   

Kendal interrupted Rynath with a quick rebuke. 'Do your worst but know that you'll be broken on the rack in time. The Kingdom of Hallorn will seek retribution and far sooner than you realize.'   

Ishali shrugged. 'They are welcome to come into these woods and find nothing to mark our passing. By the time we've departed, nothing of our presence shall remain here. There is little point in playing hard to get. You'll regret your defiance momentarily when I have your father hacked apart before your eyes.'   

Ishali sighed, then gestured with a cock of her head. 'Kill him. Leave his son alive.'   

A horn sounded out of the dreary mist and snow in the moment that Kendal and his father readied their swords together. A sonorous blast that struck surprise and fear in the hearts of the Black Wolves. Urgent shouts rippled through the ranks and Ishali's orders were lost as the Lani reorganized into some semblance of formation.   

A deafening barrage of war cries swept out of the Mist Hollow, betraying the ranks of the Raven Vale Knights before they charged out of the Deep Wood's gloom and into the white fields on the manor's outskirts. The thunder of one hundred barded horses bred for war quaked the earth beneath Kendal's feet even from this distance. To him, they seemed like a thick tide of the night sweeping through the veil of heavy snow. Only the gleam of their billowing banners and steel in the wane sunlight betrayed anything more of the mounts and their riders.   

Rynath looked to Ishali, who continued to watch Kendal and him with the eyes of a hawk even as her ranks scrambled to meet the charge. She shrugged once out of resignation, muttered a few words to her nearby retinue - then swiftly made for the nearest of the Lani's commandeered horses. She promptly fled from the ensuing battle before it had begun.   

Rynath looked to Kendal and grinned even as Ishali's subordinates began to close in around them. 'Tell your mentor he has my praise. He is sharper than his brief years show.' He pointed toward the sight of Vindiaccos leading the fore of the Raven Vale's charge.   

A flame of pride fanned in Kendal's chest as his brethren crashed into the Lani with crushing force. Scores of Black Wolves simply vanished beneath the hooves of their fearless steeds, trampled into the crimson earth, and adding to its dark hue.   

Lani spears flashed through the veil of snow as the cavalry came on. Several knights were unseated by well-timed thrust or their mounts forced to a screeching halt, their riders trapped beneath a flurry of spears and impaled onto death. Unerring arrow fire from the Black Wolf Sentinels brought low several more, but the Raven Knights had slain so many on the end of their lances that the Lani formation simply broke apart even as the cavalry began to scatter amidst the melee.   

The Qallin farmstead echoed to the sounds of a collapsing manor and of open war, the struggle degenerating into a brutal battle for survival.   

Rynath seized Kendal's attention with a flick of his wrist. A severed head toppled off the shoulders of a Lani who had closed in for the kill.   

Gleaming sword in hand, Kendal joined the battle alongside his father. Afternoon began to fade into hues of the evening dusk by the time the skirmish waned, and peace began to descend on the ravaged lands of the Mist Hollow…
 
« Last Edit: January 30, 2021, 12:31:25 AM by Myen'Tal »
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Child of Sun and Moon - 2nd Edition - Scene II
« Reply #190 on: January 15, 2021, 03:19:41 PM »

I am removing that scene from this chapter and not re-writing it. Right now the entire chapter is about at 75% completion.

Just for the sake of clarity does all of this mean that the scene with Kendal on the Iridescent Mermaid is now redundant?
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Child of Sun and Moon - 2nd Edition - Scene II
« Reply #191 on: January 15, 2021, 06:39:58 PM »

I am removing that scene from this chapter and not re-writing it. Right now the entire chapter is about at 75% completion.

Just for the sake of clarity does all of this mean that the scene with Kendal on the Iridescent Mermaid is now redundant?

Sorry for the delayed response.

Yes, sir.
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Child of Sun and Moon - 2nd Edition - Scene II
« Reply #192 on: January 15, 2021, 06:56:18 PM »
That has saved me some work then as I was just compiling some feedback for it. :)
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : Content Outline Update
« Reply #193 on: January 20, 2021, 10:56:48 PM »
Updated Chapter Progress:

First Act is officially done. Removed two entire chapters and replaced them with three new ones.

Inserted a lot of padding to make the transition between scenes I've created non-chronologically become more seamless between each other overall.

So far there's been a 20,000 word addition to all the content - a lot of it dedicated to padding out existing content and creating complementary new content.

Have reached about 53,000 words. And now, I am set to move forward and finish the Second Act.

« Last Edit: January 20, 2021, 11:11:19 PM by Myen'Tal »
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Crimson Blizzard - 2nd Revision - Scene I
« Reply #194 on: January 22, 2021, 08:12:17 AM »
So far there's been a 20,000 word addition to all the content - a lot of it dedicated to padding out existing content and creating complementary new content.

Have reached about 53,000 words. And now, I am set to move forward and finish the Second Act.

Good luck to you, it seems like you have a lot to do between now and June.

A Crimson Blizzard Scene 1, Second Revision

As I am that far behind you with my feedback I thought I would ignore the older stuff and have a go at the most current.

Here is a bit of feedback for Scene 1 of Blizzard.

Quote
Kendal Qallin watched drifting curtains of heavy snow bury what remained of the Dawn Glades. A fell wind sliced into him through his Dusk Wolf cloak and raven black quilted armor. His breaths became frosted around his mouth and an aching cold oozed into to the marrow of his bones.

The Black Blizzard raged on unabated as it had for several months in the Kingdom of Hallorn.

Qenroth, his onyx stallion waded through the deep snow that buried the once resplendent farmlands of the Dawn Glades. Longingly, he tried to remember the same stretch of golden wheat from the days of his childhood. He searched for the isolated farmsteads and burgeoning villages that once populated this region.

Kendal spied only an earth turned black where the snow fell lightly upon it. Scattered debris were all that remained of the homesteads - charred to ash from the destructive fires of war. The prosperous villages were nothing more than skeletal remains, corpses picked clean of flesh hung high from their shade trees. Unburied remains of countless others lay buried amid the ruin.

Kendal shivered underneath his armor, biting back an embittered anguish threatening to send into a rage. He glanced over his shoulder to share a concerned look with his mentor Vindiaccos. Melancholy burdened his words. 'The Deep Woods of Mist Hollow. Home, sweet home.'

Vindiaccos of the Raven Vale Knights steered his mount to Kendal's side. 'Don't surrender to despair, my apprentice. Your parents may yet live... Mist Hollow has devolved into a battlefield, but your home remains secluded in the heart of the Deep Wood.'


I am sorry to say that I am finding this scene difficult to picture/follow.

I can't grasp the timeline of the events because of some of the information provided.

A glade by definition is a clearing in a forest, but your clearing must be massive because you are describing both farmsteads and villages (plural) being in this glade.

The Black Blizzard has been 'raging' for months, but the snow falling 'lightly' on the remains of scorched earth is too much of a contradiction for me and further confuses the timeline in my head.

Is Kendal supposed to have come across the razed villages immediately after they have been attacked? If so why didn't he see the smoke from the burning of so many villages as he approached? If it isn’t immediately after then a blizzard that has been raging for months should have covered everything in snow before he got there.


Quote
A fell wind sliced into him through his Dusk Wolf cloak and raven black quilted armor.


There is a 'fell' wind and a blizzard blowing! That doesn't make sense to me. As the word blizzard refers to a severe snowstorm with high winds it doesn’t make sense to refer to a separate 'fell' wind.

Quote
Qenroth, his onyx stallion waded through the deep snow that buried the once resplendent farmlands of the Dawn Glades.

The word onyx describes a stone and not a colour so this has left your stallion looking a bit weird in my mind. Onyx is a banded stone that can be had in a variety of colours. The common version is black with white parallel bands, so in my head your stallion has the look of a zebra.


Quote
Kendal spied only an earth turned black where the snow fell lightly upon it. Scattered debris were all that remained of the homesteads - charred to ash from the destructive fires of war. The prosperous villages were nothing more than skeletal remains, corpses picked clean of flesh hung high from their shade trees. Unburied remains of countless others lay buried amid the ruin.


I am confused by this paragraph because I can't make my mind up if you are reffering to a derelict village, or the corpse of a person. It starts off referring to a prosperous village, but then refers to corpses being picked clean in trees. Perhaps you meant to write prosperous villagers.

This also ties in with my timeline issue as if corpses have had time to be picked clean then the blizzard should have covered everything in snow before Kendal arrived.


Quote
Kendal shivered underneath his armor, biting back an embittered anguish threatening to send into a rage. He glanced over his shoulder to share a concerned look with his mentor Vindiaccos. Melancholy burdened his words. 'The Deep Woods of Mist Hollow. Home, sweet home.'


I thought we where at a place called Dawn Glade, so it is not clear to me why he is concerned for the Deep Wood. Also I would have thought that Mist Hollow was his home rather than the Deep Wood. The home, sweet home line lends an air of sarcasm to the last sentence, but being based at Dawn Glade means it doesn’t work. That is, you seem to be having Kendal say 'look at the mess I have come home to', but it doesn't quite work beause they are at Dawn Glade.


Quote
Vindiaccos of the Raven Vale Knights steered his mount to Kendal's side. 'Don't surrender to despair, my apprentice. Your parents may yet live... Mist Hollow has devolved into a battlefield, but your home remains secluded in the heart of the Deep Wood.'


Again it seems a bit confusing to be speaking about Mist Hollow when they are in Dawn Glade.

Quote
Kendal shook his head. He felt an unfamiliar distress weigh heavily on his chest.


Feeling an unfamiliar distress means that he is used to feeling a different kind of distress. I think 'He felt fear beginning to weigh heavy on his heart.' might be better.


Quote
Vindiaccos chose not to answer. The elder warrior placed a firm gauntlet on Kendal's shoulder and shook it gently. 'Are you sure you don't want me to come with you? You’ve one hundred of my finest veterans behind us at your beck and call.'


The 'Are you sure you don't...' question seems to come from nowhere. That is, based on the previous paragraphs there is nothing that warrants this question.

Quote
He gestured toward the deafening disturbance of armor jostling and war dirges sung through the howling winds. Kendal spared a glance over his shoulder to see a lengthened column of raven clad knights mounted on horseback forging a trail through the endless white fields. A hundred banners woven from grey, black, and silver thread marked the elite cavalcade - heraldry of the Raven perched upon a chalice fluttering in the breeze.


One hundred veterans and one hundred banners! Why would all of them be carrying a banner?

'Fluttering in the breeze' is at odds with the blizzard and 'howling winds'. This is because fluttering and breeze sound gentle, but blizzard and howling winds sound the opposite.
 

Quote
'No.' The apprentice youth solemnly declared. 'I'll be fine. The surrounding villages need you far more than I do. Once I find my parents and get them to safety, I'll come find you again.'

I am not sure about this as I am not sure I know what is going on. Are they in the middle of a warzone? Is there a battle going on?  Is there a large band of Lani going around burning villages to the ground? If any of these are the case then I can see no good reason for Kendal to wander off on his own.
 

Quote
Kendal nodded, then spurred Qenroth in the direction of the forests sprawled over the hills beyond the Dawn Glades. Over the course of years, the woodlands of Mist Hollow had conquered much of the fertile fields by neglect alone. What thrived here had become burgeoning and overgrown outskirts.


Being in a glade means they are surrounded by the forest, so heading off in the direction of the forest doesn't really portray anything. I think it would be better to say, Kendal nodded and spurred Qenroth in the direction of Deep Wood and home.


Quote
Qenroth trotted farther into the woods until the gloom between the black earth and the forest canopy began to envelope him.

 
The scene starts off with the  mention of a blizzard that has been raging for months, but overall the whole scene doesn't seem to acknowledge this. The scene is quite mellow in tone and very chatty in nature which doesn't portray that the events are occurring within a raging blizzard. For me this is exemplified by Qenroth trotting into the woods, as after a snowstorm has been raging for months a gentle trot through feet of snow doesn’t add up.


Quote
Kendal peeled his eyes and watched through the endless drifting white veil for any signs of the Lani Elves rampaging through the Mist Hollow.


Peeling your eyes is very different to keeping your eyes peeled.

Keeping your eyes peeled is a well known idiom that means to watch carefully for someone/something. Peeling your eyes means something very painful instead. As keep your eyes peeled already means to carefully look out for something there is no need to have Kendal watch as well (watched is the wrong word by the way). That is, 'Peering through the drifting white veil Kendal searched for any sign of the Lani' might be better I think.


Quote
Kendal continued his search - and noticed a hazy shape coalescing through the mist and snow on the road. He craned his head in either direction to adjust himself to his surroundings.


Either direction does not make sense and should be 'in all directions'.

Either is a complicated word to explain, but simply put it refers to the choice of two options. For example, 'there is a goal at either end of a football pitch'.
 

Quote
As Qenroth trotted along the main road, his onyx eyes picked out the tell-tale signs of a travelers’ caravan - ambushed, the wagons scorched into ruin and a score of bodies scattered about the site of the massacre.

This reads as if Qenroth, the horse, has spotted the caravan.
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : Content Outline Update
« Reply #195 on: January 22, 2021, 09:13:58 AM »
Hi Alienscar,

I actually have an updated version of this scene - I must have forgotten to update this particular post.

I'll go ahead and comb this scene and see I can make changes to reflect your feedback if I haven't already.

Should have the changes made within an hour or so.

Thanks for your efforts!

EDIT:

- Changes made! Updated the same posts to reflect the edits made across both scenes of A Crimson Blizzard.

- Decided to change the 'Black Blizzard' into a normal winter storm, still made changes where it didn't make since to have the snow falling lightly on the ground.

- Changed the Dawn Glades to the Dawn Fields.
« Last Edit: January 22, 2021, 09:39:56 AM by Myen'Tal »
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : Content Outline Update
« Reply #196 on: January 22, 2021, 11:01:59 AM »
Decided to change the 'Black Blizzard' into a normal winter storm, still made changes where it didn't make since to have the snow falling lightly on the ground.

Hey Myen'Tal, it wasn't just the blizzard that was causing me issues, it is the fact that snow has been falling for months. That amount of snow would cover everything pretty quickly. For instance a place called Woody Point in Newfoundland records an average 21 feet of snow in 89 days. Even in the UK, which isn't particularly snowy, 55 days of continuous snow (back in 1946/47) resulted in a level depth of 5 feet and drifts of 16 feet. Also I am left confused as to why the bodies in the village aren't buried beneath the snow because I can't make out the timeline between the villages being burnt to the ground and when Kendal arrives. Because corpses have had time to be picked clean it makes sense to me that due to the constant snowfall everything on the ground should be covered in deep snow.
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
Re: The Embers of the Past : Content Outline Update
« Reply #197 on: January 22, 2021, 11:05:43 AM »
Decided to change the 'Black Blizzard' into a normal winter storm, still made changes where it didn't make since to have the snow falling lightly on the ground.

Hey Myen'Tal, it wasn't just the blizzard that was causing me issues, it is the fact that snow has been falling for months. That amount of snow would cover everything pretty quickly. For instance a place called Woody Point in Newfoundland records an average 21 feet of snow in 89 days. Even in the UK, which isn't particularly snowy, 55 days of continuous snow (back in 1946/47) resulted in a level depth of 5 feet and drifts of 16 feet. Also I am left confused as to why the bodies in the village aren't buried beneath the snow because I can't make out the timeline between the villages being burnt to the ground and when Kendal arrives. Because corpses have had time to be picked clean it makes sense to me that due to the constant snowfall everything on the ground should be covered in deep snow.

Understood, I think I just need to change that one sentence to not give that impression.
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Myen'Tal

  • Lazerous Penguin
  • Senior Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3058
  • Country: 00
The Embers of the Past : Oath of the Betrayer - Scene I - 1/28 Update
« Reply #198 on: January 27, 2021, 09:42:58 PM »
So, decided to share some stuff closer to the mid-section of Act II. Obviously, I don't want to spoil this entire chapter - as there is a lot happening within it. But, I wanted to share something that wouldn't really be too spoiling. So, here you go  :).

This scene - which I guess all the scenes I post here are as well - is definitely still in the beta phase. Once I complete the chapter - I'll be going back over this particular scene and making adjustments. There was some things I like about it, and in hindsight, some things I do not.

Oath of the Betrayer

A thousand warriors scrambled on the outskirts of the Khalnar township, beyond the crumbling fortifications defending her citizens from the constant threat of the Dominion's invasion. Laborers quickly erected wooden pallisades along the banks of the Alabaster, reinforced by countless wooden bucklers banded around the barricades. 

From several weeks of constant toil, the manmade hills of compacted dirt created a natural high ground for the Dusk Sentinels to aim their arrows. In turn, the false hills were fortified by a vast trench and wooden pallisades positioned just behind it. Any Carthite would have to wade through the entirety of the Ardent Vigil's infantry line and surmount the trench after managing to bash the pallisades down. 

Aslan considered the defense over all, and knew that they were more than nothing, but less than ideal. 

He watched the infantry begin to break into their respective bands, spacing themselves in multiple layers of an interlocking defense. 

The last light of the evening dusk vanished amid the night. Aslan knew that his father had splintered his army wisely to oversee to the entirety of the Crescent Valley's defense. The Old Myrians could only wait to see what approached from the horizon.

A wailing horn sounded from somewhere in a night absent of guiding stars. An anxious breath became caught in Aslan's lungs, deafening silence falling over the Old Myrian defenses arrayed on Khalnar’s riverside outskirts. He gazed across the Alabaster, shrouded behind a dark veil lingering over all of Khios. 

Against the encroaching shadow, only Khalnar and all the Crescent Valley continued to blaze against the night. 

His father's voice shattered the bewitching stillness fallen over his forces. 'Does the sound of Carthite horns frighten you!? Does the threat of invasion against your families in their own homes make your blood run cold, warriors of the Autumn Realms!? It should! For when the last time those horns sounded on the banks of the Alabaster - the whole river flowed a dark crimson with all the blood spilled from ceaseless battle! 

'Remember the oaths you swore before the Autumn Queen herself! Remember the courage of your ancestors, who have laid the Dominion and their God King's ambition quite low in wars long forgotten! We are the first into the fray against the Dominion - this is our chance! 

'Tell this God King that he is no divine god - he is no master of Old Myria! Annahir and the Autumn Realms, forever!'

Echoes of Azat's war cries rippled across the formations until the same words echoed far into the abyssal dark. The Immortals of Annahir were the first to draw their swords, raising them high so that they glinted in the firelight. Every man and woman who served in either the Ardent Vigil or the Dusk Sentinels repeated the gesture until one thousand swords glimmered like an endless tide of light. 

Aslan spied small groupings of warriors scattered amongst the ranks raising the half-and-half raven black and amber banners of the Old Myrian heraldry across the defenses. He looked on into the shadowy depths of the Alabaster, a fierce pride stoked within his chest. 

The wailing horn sounded once again but could not quell the defiance of the Dominion's foes so easily a second time. Another shrill cry echoed after the first lengthened note, followed by two more, then several others until it seemed that scores of horns were guiding something massive toward the Old Myrian side of the Alabaster. 

Aslan blew out an anxious breath and looked to his father. 'You should not have left Ara behind. He would have loved to be here, standing beside us.' 

Azat disagreed with a grim shake of his head. 'I won't risk both of my sons in the same battle. You're ready, Aslan, and that alone is why you're here. Ara is not - not yet. I am uncertain if he'll ever be.' 

Aslan cuffed his hands and waited patiently by his father's side, his stance as regal as that of the Immortals. 'A conversation for another time, father. Tonight, I am here to slay as many Carthites as I possibly can.'

'Good.' Aslan nodded. He studied Aslan acutely, his smile flashing when his eldest son took notice. 'You do not know how long I've waited for this moment. That we draw our swords and stand shoulder-to-shoulder together. No matter what happens, know that you have my pride now and forever, my Lion.' 

Aslan nodded, not quite able to conceal his enthusiasm. 

Azat lifted his chin to point toward the first lights drifting through the crushing black shrouding the Alabaster River. He placed a firm grip on Aslan's shoulder and shook it once. 'The Dominion has arrived on Old Myrian soil. Let us see the armies that they believe worthy of her total conquest.' 

Gargantuan sea-faring vessels, from lowly Quinqueremes to the grand Polyremes - of which the slave warriors of the Zar'qin guard arrayed themselves on their decks in numbers anywhere between one hundred and a few thousand. Elaborate standards of crimson and gold framing the image of the Solar God seated on a throne of fire - a spear of radiant light gripped in his sword arm – waved in the cool breeze. Countless thousands of oars cycled in and out of the dark waters, synchronous with the chanting dirge that the slave legions of Carth had taken up to quell the flames of the Old Myrian spirits. 

As the Dominion's armada gradually emerged out of the night - Aslan swept his gaze across the overwhelming display of marshal might. Hundreds of ships ranging across the full spectrum of shape and scale were slowly drifting into plain sight. 

Aslan beheld the divine might of the Carth Dominion and sneered out of disgust. 

Azat shattered his reverie, his tone calmer than the waters of the Alabaster itself. 'How far do you think those first outlying ships are? The ones nearest the riverbanks and our defenses?'

Aslan arched his brow. 'I'm not certain, they certainly seem close enough for an archer...' Realization dawned on him. 

Azat grinned, wolfish. He lifted his voice so that it bellowed over the Dominion's dirge and Old Myria's defiant cries. 'Hovan, my faithful second in command!'

A warrior with a single scar running down the length of his face emerged from out of the formations of Dusk Sentinel Archers. 'Lord Zakarian, your command is my will! Give me an order and I'll see it done!' 

Azat gestured toward the first wave of oncoming vessels. 'Give them a warning volley! Tell them to turn tail and flee back to the Dominion!' 

Hovan slammed a mailed fist against his laminar armor. He turned back to the formations, shouting orders that were in turn shouted down the chain of command.'

Moments later, the four hundred men and women of the Dusk Sentinels lifted their bows - each arrow pulled taut on their strings alight with a burning flame. 

Aslan shrugged, watching the volley loosed into the first outlying Carthite vessels. The volley fell shy of each ship by only a few feet, hundreds of dispensed arrows snuffing themselves out amidst the Alabaster's cold waters. 

He looked to Azat. 'I don't understand, that would never deter a force this size from crossing the river.' 

Azat mirrored his uncaring shrug. 'It is merely a courtesy - a warning of the doom that they're approaching.' 

Azat relayed another set of orders to his Second. 'Hovan! Give them a more dire warning! Do not spare the ammunition of any of Khalnar's fortifications. The bombardment does not cease until this battle is lost or won. From sunrise to sunset, choke the Alabaster with their ruin!' 

Aslan listened intently to the commands being relayed throughout the defenses arrayed along the riverbank. He did not discern much, but one line echoed above the rest. 

Hovan's own words stirred his brethren to eager action. 'Sentinels of Dusk, loose at will! Unleash the fusillade!'

The ballista and scorpion turrets arrayed along Khalnar's riverside defenses unleashed their wrath. Aslan heard the whistling of their punishing salvos, their dispensed ammunition near impossible to glean across the night sky. The Dusk Sentinels commenced their never-ending volley, loosing hail after flaming hail of arrows toward the dim light of the moon. The trebuchets were the final distanced response to the Carthite invaders, their ammunition taking on the form of great oil filled canisters rather than massive boulders. 

The Dominion's first wave of hulking vessels stood little chance. Oversized bolts punctured gaping wounds in the hulls of every ship, ending the lives of scores of oarsmen. A rapid hail of scorpion bolts peppered the Zar'qin aboard their decks and though Aslan could not witness their deaths for himself, the wailing chorus of their final cries was enough to satisfy him. An endless rain of flaming arrows further thinned out the ranks of the first warriors attempting to ford the river. As flames began to take hold across each sea-faring vessel, the Old Myrians took up a great cheer as several minor fires blossomed into all-consuming infernos from the impact of soaring oil canisters. 

Azat commanded suddenly over the resounding cheers. 'Lock shields and raise them! Use whatever defense you can - remain standing in the face of whatever wrath!' 

Aslan heard the whistling of a coming rain of arrows before they descended upon the Old Myrians. The warriors of the Ardent Vigil heard the dreadful sound as well, lifting their shields in loose synchronicity. Here and there among the ranks, warriors fell in heaps, feathered shafts embedded through their armor and deep into flesh. 

Azat steadied Aslan with a firm hand on the broad of his back, though his elder son knew that he did not need it. 

His father looked to Aslan and spoke over the cries of the horribly wounded and dying. 'Aslan, when the foe eventually fords the Alabaster and storm our defenses - I want you to hold back - until you find an enemy worthy of you. I want you to find one of the Children of the Sun - be they Exalted, Champion, or unit leader... strike them down and let Carth tremble before the might of the Lion.' 

Aslan vigorously nodded. 'I shall do as you command, Lord Zakarian. I shall strike down their greatest leader in Hazan's name.' 

Azat inclined his head in appreciation. 'You're a great warrior... I would see you become legend before long. So, we wait for the enemy to land and the real combat shall be had. Be patient and not overbold, your time shall come and soon.' 

Aslan folded his arms out of patience, watching endless arrow hails exchanged between either armies. 

His time as a Lion of War had come. 
« Last Edit: January 29, 2021, 04:48:34 PM by Myen'Tal »
JohnMaloneBooks website - Blog #3 - From Novella to Novel

- 5/5 Reader's Favorite Review!

A Sanctum of Swords: Embers Edition is coming soon w/ audiobook!

Offline Alienscar

  • Senior Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 1465
  • Country: 00
  • I *LOVE* 40k Online!
Re: The Embers of the Past : A Crimson Blizzard - 3rd Revision 1/22 - Scene II
« Reply #199 on: January 28, 2021, 11:03:22 AM »
A Crimson Blizzard Scene II - 3rd Revision

Slowly catching you up here's a few thoughts on Scene 2 of Blizzard.

Quote
Qenroth galloped out of the Deep Wood into the outskirts of the Qallin manor grounds. A miasma of snow kicked up from the stallion's hooves obscured Kendal's coming through the white veil. As mount and rider darted across the snow buried field, urgent shouts in an unfamiliar tongue pursued him out of the thinning woods.   

He spurred Qenroth onward, reaching full tilt.   

Kendal kept his eyes peeled for shadows in the forest, but he could find nothing visible in plain sight.

Nothing visible/in plain sight are just two ways of saying the same thing so this sentence is a bit difficult to read. 'He could find nothing visible', or 'he could find nothing in plain sight' would suffice.

Quote
An arrow whistled overhead before he realized the peril he had flown into.

He was galloping at full tilt and being chased, so this line makes no sense as he was plainly already in peril.

Quote
Another arrow flew by him, mere inches shy of finding his flank. Several more flew from separate directions along his flanks, but the miasma of grounded snow kicked up from Qenroth's hooves distracted their aim.

I find this description very confusing as the word flank refers to the area of the body between the ribs and the hips of an animal or a person. The word 'flanks' makes me think you are trying to say that the arrows flew by either side of him, but the way you have used 'flanks' means this isn't what is portrayed.

I think that something like this might be better (like this, but not this as it is a poor example to be honest):

Kendal galloped out of the Deep Woods, and he spurred Qenroth to go faster as he entered the clear grounds of Qallin Manor. Urgent shouts in an unfamiliar tongue pursued him and a hail of arrows flanked him as he fled.


Quote
Kendal and his mount cleared the low wall built on the perimeter of the outlying farmlands. Realization came swiftly as slender grey figures laid waste to the armed guards and farmhands standing their ground on barren tilled soil.

Realisation of what? Why would they be tilling the fields when there is snow on the ground?

Quote
Raging fires fanned amid isolated sheds and animal barns scattered over the manor grounds.

I could be wrong but it looks like you have misused the common idiom 'fan the flames' here and you have been left with a confused sentence instead. Fan the flames is an idiom that means to cause an emotion such as anger or hatred to become stronger it doesn't mean to literally fan the flames of a fire. You can fan the flames of a fire, but you do this to make  a fire burn hotter. If this is what  you were trying to imply then fanned is the wrong tense.
 
Quote
Kendal sheared the hands from one of the Lani guerilla fighters as the Raven Knight passed him by.

It is difficult to imagine how someone riding by quickly on horseback could shear both hands from a person.

Quote
The manor guard rescued was left to his fate as he pressed into the heart of the manor.

I would suggest that this sentence is not required as it doesn't really add much to the overall narrative of the scene.

Quote
Through the endless veil of snow, his home finally began to manifest into his peripheral vision.

Why his peripheral vision? As he seems to be racing straight to his home it isn't clear why he is now seeing it out of the corner of his eyes.

Quote
His heart skipped a beat, watching on as half of the manor blazed against the dreary midday light. A thick smog of smoke billowed through every crevice and crumbling hole where the fire grew hungrier, rampaging through what little remained of the structure's left wing.

Qenroth galloped through the manor's toppled inner gate and up the narrow cobblestone path leading up to the veranda. Six lithe figures of grey skin and leather armor bedecked in the pelts of beasts both docile and ferocious gathered there.

YMMV but I find this a bit 'wordy' and, as bedecked means decorated, a bit confused. I think that 'swathed in animal pelts' would suffice.

Quote
Kendal willed Qenroth to rapidly slow his pace and slipped off his mount before he could come to a natural stop.

This is a bit odd as I can't imagine anyone that wants a horse to stop would do it by thinking (willing)  about it strongly.

Quote
He landed amidst the blood-streaked snow, the cobblestone path showing through where too many footsteps had turned the white earth into slush covered grey stone.

Is the path covered in blood streaked snow, or is it covered in slush?

Quote
Qenroth galloped through the manor's toppled inner gate and up the narrow cobblestone path leading up to the veranda. Six lithe figures of grey skin and leather armor bedecked in the pelts of beasts both docile and ferocious gathered there. Kendal willed Qenroth to rapidly slow his pace and slipped off his mount before he could come to a natural stop. He landed amidst the blood-streaked snow, the cobblestone path showing through where too many footsteps had turned the white earth into slush covered grey stone.

For me there is a bit of a staccato nature to this paragraph as one thought doesn't flow to the next in a smooth manner. I would suggest something like this:

Qenroth galloped through the broken inner gate of the Manor and up the cobbled path towards the door. As Kendal got close to the house he reined Qenroth to a halt and vaulted off his horse to challenge the six warriors blocking his route. As he ran through the blood soaked slush of the path towards the warriors he quickly sized them up (took their measure; evaluated them; not sure about this really). They all had grey skin and they all wore leather armour covered in the pelts of various animals...

Quote
The Lani gathered in opposition did not blockade the patio as he anticipated, but instead withdrew through the manor doors into the burning building. Sword in hand, Kendal cautiously approached them even as they disappeared into the smoke and smog, one after the other. By the time he climbed the several stairs and came onto the veranda proper, the Lani had vanished from sight.

The first sentence states that the Lani withdrew through the doors of the Manor, so it is too late for Kendal to approach them in the second sentence as they have already gone.

They 'withdrew', 'they disappeared' and they 'vanished' are just different ways of saying the same thing, so this paragraph is a bit confusing to read.

Quote
Kendal approached the smoke belching entrance of the manor and shirked from the touch of an intense heat. He lifted the sleeve of his quilted armor to shield himself from the acrid smoke warding him away.

He stopped himself from plunging headlong into the ruins, taking a moment to compose himself and regain some semblance of concentration. He readied his sword out in front of him, inhaled deeply, and quietly entered the burning manor.

Shirked is used incorrectly as it means to avoid work, duties, or responsibilities, especially if they are difficult or unpleasant. I think ' flinched' would be better.

After all the talk of billowing and belching smog, and acrid smoke it seems odd to then have your character inhale deeply.

Quote
What little sunlight that graced the world outside dwindled in the dim and smoke shrouded corridors of the Qallin estate. Kendal found himself in the main hall that he had always known - a lengthy stretch of cedar floor that passed room after room.

Find yourself/oneself is an idiom that means to discover, recognise, or realise one's location, thoughts, or sentiments. As Kendal is entering his own home he would already know what to expect, so Kendal shouldn't be described as feeling a sense of discovery, or sudden recognition. Furthermore it is confusing to say that he found himself in the main hall when the preceding sentence already states that he is in a smokey corridor.

Also a hall can't pass anything as it can't move. That is, passed is a verb and therefore conveys action.

Quote
Silently, he pressed through the scattered debris of ruined decorations, shattered chandeliers, and busted frames. Any memory of his childhood, he intentionally blocked out of his mind. He kept his sword poised to strike, his eyes peeled, and his ears listening for even the slightest disturbance.   

Kendal approached the entrance of one of the farmhand quarters.

Historically it is highly unlikely that the Lord of the manor had quarters for his farmhands in his manor.

Quote
He slid his back against the wall and slunk forward until he had about rounded the corner. His onyx gaze studied the shut door of the adjacent room across the hall. A sudden crackle of splintering wood followed by the collapse of a single piece of timber behind him seized his attention for briefest instance.

Why would the sound only seize his attention briefly! Surely due to his circumstances the noise should have gained his full attention and caused him to turn around so as to investigate the noise.

Quote
The Lani elf hidden on the other side of the wall burst through the open room, spear angled perfectly to stab Kendal through the throat. Kendal parried the strike swiftly even as another grey elf kicked through the adjacent door.

To be honest I can see no good reason for the elf to have to kick the door down. It would be far more expedient for the elf just to open the door. Also, as there are six of them why are they not attacking Kendal all at once?

Quote
He reacted swiftly, pulling himself away from his nearest assailant and deflecting a quick slash for his eyes from his other opponent. He lashed out with the end of his pommel into the chest of the elf in the farmhand room, pushing him back.

The elf from the farmhands room was armed with a spear. In a corridor situation it makes no sense for a spear wielder to get that close to a swordsman that he can be hit with the swords pommel.

Quote
Kendal leveled his blade with the chest of the Lani he struck with the pommel, then thrust into the foe that had cut him.

If his sword was pointing at the 'pommel' elf it is difficult to understand how he then thrust his sword into the other elf. 
 
Quote
Already overextended, the Lani he had cornered found no room to flee, the room from whence he had come too awkward an angle to slip away into.

I am finding this difficult to follow as at this point I can't tell which elf you are reffering to. Kendal has just thrust his sword into one of the elf's so this can't be the one that is cornered. It is also difficult to understand why you have described one of the Lani as being overextended.

Quote
The long sword parted leather and the flesh beneath, slammed through the Lani's chest with enough force to pin the elf against the wall.

The slammed part of this sentence isn't linked to anything as the sentence hasn't been constructed correctly.

I think something like this might be better: The longsword slammed into the Lani's chest parting leather and flesh as it passed through the elf...

Personally though I think that slammed is an inappropriate word to describe a swords cut.

I also think that the overextended sentence has disturbed the fight scene too much. That is, the moment from the sword thrust to the strike is too long because of the intermediate sentence.

Quote
Too shocked to cry out from the pain, Kendal did not wait to watch the blood erupt from out of the elf's mouth.

This reads as if Kendal was too shocked and not the elf.

Quote
He ripped the blade free and swung as if he had fought the lioness he had encountered earlier.

By saying 'as if he had fought' you are saying he didn't fight the lioness. I think you meant to write, he swung as he had when fighting the lioness earlier.' I would suggest you should drop this part of the sentence as swinging a sword is just swinging a sword. Also by mentioning the lioness you bring in thoughts of the 'sword dance' to this fight.
 
Quote
Surprised by his own strength, Kendal shirked from the sight of the Lani's head rolling cleanly off the shoulders of his body.

Shirked is the wrong word as it means to avoid work, duties, or responsibilities, especially if they are difficult or unpleasant.

Quote
He had no time to digest the grizzly scene he had created.

I am not sure what you are trying to achieve with this sentence. Are you trying to imply that Kendal hasn't killed anyone before? Also I think you previously tried to imply that Kendal avoided looking at the beheaded Lani, so it doesn’t make sense to now say he hasn't got time to digest the scene.
 
Quote
An unfamiliar language suddenly called as another Lani woman ducked back into the hall.

This is the first mention of a female Lani in this scene, so to refer to her as another is confusing.

A language can't call out to anyone. It would be better to write, a voice in an unfamiliar language called out.

Quote
An inkling in his mind warned him of striking her down without warning. It would have been just. It would have been retribution. Yet Kendal decided on a whim that the blow was too dishonorable and would break his knightly vows. He slammed an armored fist against her temple with enough force to lay her out on the floor, removing her as an immediate threat, but withheld the brunt of his strength so that she would have strength enough to escape.

How is this honourable! Leaving someone unconscious on the floor of a collapsing building that is full of smoke is surely a death sentence.

The word withheld has confused the last part of this paragraph. As brunt means the worst part or chief impact of a specified action by withholding his strength there can be no 'brunt' in the first place.

Quote
He rushed past her sprawled out form before she could even think to lift a sword in her defense.


She has just been layed out on the floor, so it is too late to mention her lifting a sword in defense.

Quote
The sounds of combat rang out ever clearer as Kendal came into the grand foyer before the main stairwell.   
 
Rynath Qallin stood with the proud bearing of a centuries old Ishalnan elf. Even amidst the cloying smoke, his pallid skin shimmered with sweat and reflected the dancing light of fanning flames. He was garbed in nothing more than a fine satin black robe pulled over his silken clothes. He wielded a slender sword in one hand and nothing in his off hand.

The word fanning has been used incorrectly again.

I am not sure about this, but in creative writing the term offhand only refers to a remark or comment that is made without previous thought or preparation. As far as I am aware the use of the word for anything other than its dictionary definition is the case only in gaming and possibly shooting forums.
 
Quote
Despite their superior numbers, four Lani elves lay dead at his feet.   

The four remaining survivors had managed to surround him, one of them having slipped behind Rynath to hold Akine, his wife and Kendal's mother, by spear point. The opposing forces appeared to have come to a stalemate.

Immediately before this Kendal heard the sounds of combat just before he entered the room. As soon as he enters the room everyone is standing still. Are we supposed to think that Rynath killed the four Lani in the time it took Kendal to walk through a door?

Quote
Akine kept an air of poise and grace that outmatched even that of the desperate Lani warriors that had cornered her.

You have previously said that one Lani was holding Akine at spear point, now it appears that there is more than one, so the scene becones a bit muddied in its description.

Quote
She reached out with one hand toward him and made to shout a warning at him. It was an unreasonable action for the Lani holding her hostage. He retracted his spear arm for a thrust through Akine's torso in the moment that Rynath gracefully turned on a heel to strike the offender dead in one blow.

Just before you have stated that the Lani did not dare to lay a finger on Akine, so it seems odd to have her killed in such an offhand manner.

As I have explained before turn on a heel is an idiom that means to turn and walk away rapidly. It doesn't describe an actual way of moving.
 
Quote
The remaining elves swept toward Rynath the moment he turned his back on them.

He was surrounded, so saying he turned his back on them doesn’t really add up. That is, being surrounded means he can only ever face one of his attackers.

Quote
Kendal mobilized, sword thrown overhead and straight through the throat of a foe who had finally noticed his silent entry. His two comrades hesitated in their charge briefly, taken unawares.   

Rynath weaved between them with a grace and speed that even they lacked. His sword left its mark on their flesh in the form of fatal wounds as he passed them by. Before he had even come to a stop, his foes slumped onto the Grand Foyer's marble floor, dying rapidly.


How is Kendal still holding his sword when he has just thrown it at one of the attackers.

Quote
The Ishalnan did not even pause to take a breath or process what had happened.

This is odd phrasing I feel. Substitute the word Ishalnan with the word American and hopefully you will see why.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2021, 11:27:59 AM by Alienscar »
Quote from: Starrakatt
"Russ, get your work done or you won't see your damn console for the next month!"
Quote from: Cavalier
Honestly Alienscar, we get it... you dont like painting!

 


Powered by EzPortal