I guess I agree with each of you to some extent, but I also disagree with all of you to some extent. For the most part, I'm just confused. Kind of like this life, I guess... anyway, here's some of my thoughts (read: he's rambling again...).
First, existence. As far as I know, none of us can remember the moment we came into existence. Does that mean we didn't exist then? Or were we simply not conscious? And what about past lives? Do past lives mean future lives? We see laws of consevation in the world around us; (blank) cannot be created or destroyed, only converted. Does this apply to our existence as people? Many of us think so, that there is something "after". Is there anything to it, or is it just a delusion based on the other laws of our universe; indeed, of our existence.
And to voluntarily end this existence, at least in its current form, depending on who you believe. It seems unnatural, doesn't it? And what makes us think that? Were we taught it? Or is it our inborn instincts? If it is our instincts, then it has been bred into us through the evolutionary purpose: to survive and to procreate. Is that why we feel pity for others who die? It would certainly make sense. And if that is true, how much more perverse suicide would seem! To die is a sadness, but to take one's own life--why, our instincts would tell us, why, how monstrous! How horrifying! And how many other things seem unnatural; more often than not, we reduce them to loathing and ridicule.
Is there something higher than our instincts, or is self-awareness simply a pretty cover for our base instincts?
And which is worse, suicide, or the circumstances that lead up to it? Again, instinct comes into play: to live is perhaps our stongest urge. What may happen in our lives that could possibly defeat millions of years of evolution? Indeed, it is this instinct that has kept me far from seriously considering suicide, at least thus far in my life. But as strong as the human mind is, it can be broken, and I know mine is no exception. Therefore, I worry that someday an event or change shall carry me over the precipice.
And what comes after? Oblivion? If so, we won't be around to care. If not oblivion, then there is existence. With time, this life will fade, as all memories do. Or perhaps we will not remember at all. And then this life will become a meaningless glimmer in the past. But, some say, those who take their own lives are doomed to a tormented existence in Hell, or whatever one chooses to call it. Again... is this belief a mere manifestation of our instincts, or is there more to it than that? Can a moment's crime bring an eternity's sentence? Is that fair? Does it have to be fair?
What can bring one to suicide? As some of you have said, it may be the people around us. I'll expand on that. Each and every one of us is born with a flaw--and I call it a flaw--we cannot feel what our fellow person feels. We are, for the most part, limited to our own feelings, our own emotions. Sometimes the feelings of others rub off on us, and sometimes ours on others, but each of us is dominated by the self. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe if we felt what others felt, our heads would explode or something. I don't know. But this is why we are so self-absorbed, and it is the cause of the greater portion of sorrow in this world, if not all of it.
A good dose of empathy would do us all a world of good. Unfortunately, empathy is difficult to get. Many of us have too little of it. For some of us, I guess too many of us.
Or maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I've been staring at this glowing computer screen too long.
(takes off glasses, rubs eyes, puts glasses back on)
40K probably isn't the best place to go for lessons on morality, but there is that one quote by that one Eldar dude... lemme find it:
"The Orks are the pinnacle of creation. For them, the great struggle is won. They have evolved a society which knows no stress or angst. Who are we to judge them? We Eldar who have failed, or the Humans, on the road to ruin on their own turn. And why? Because we sought answers to questions that an Ork wouldn't even bother to ask! We see a culture that is strong and despise it as crude."
-Uthan the Perverse
Now, look at that. Someone had to go and label him "the Perverse". But in many ways this Eldar is right. I, and you, I would imagine, go through life seeking the answers of existence. Maybe some of us find it. Maybe some of us think we find it, or we never think to look at all. Is there a difference? And does anybody really find it, think they found it, or not think to look at all? Or are we all just slaves to instinct? Is it futile to look for answers?
Me? Well, I've been looking all my life (which hasn't been very long, yet). Once I thought I found it, or at least part of it, and sure enough, it was thouroughly dismantled. Nowadays, I still look for it, and unless I suffer an extreme bout of amnesia (likely caused by impact from a massive blunt object when I'm not looking), I'll keep looking. I don't think I've found it, and it doesn't look like I ever will.
But it's too late to turn back now, eh?
