Topic: 40k contest- funny parody

[Tyranid_Wannabe]

Ok first I'm making a parody of the book "The contest" after reading it on the holidays. Its a book written by Mathew Reilly. I hope you find it funny, I'll try to write about one or two chapters a week so hang on. I hope you enjoy the start .

Chapter 1

I was looking at the barrel of a bolt pistol owning to the squads commissar.
This is it, I thought then suddenly there was orange light and then I noticed that I was in a huge room. “Ok, first I was about to be shot, now I’m in a huge room like environment- well, I like my chances…” I thought. Suddenly a small man popped out around the corner.

“Welcome contestant. you are one of twelve individuals who have been selected to participate in this historic event.” Said the little man
“Hey you’re a squat… I thought GW bumped you off, what are you doing here” I blurted
“First my name is Saladin, and yes I am a squat. GW may try and bump us off, yet I still exist in this universe. The universe of 40k online has saved our race especially for this event. Contestants from every 40k race will battle it out to see which race is the best. The 40k online community will observe the contest as entertainment and glorify the winner."
“So how do we win this contest” I said
“Easy. Last one standing wins” replied Saladin
My mouth dropped. Saladin smiled.
“Ah now you understand the situation, now I must tell you the rules.”


Edit: Changed one or two mistakes

[Tyranid_Wannabe]

Chapter 2

“Ok first rule: I’m not allowed to help you win a fight, in any shape or form, I can defend myself, but that’s it” said Saladin
“Oh that’s great, while I die you just stand there watching me…” I complained
“Silence. Your fate is my fate- if you lose I die as well, so stop be-atching” Yelled Saladin. “Why did I have to get the imperial guardsmen? You don’t even have any good weapons or features!”
“I do so!” I said defensively. “I’ve got my lasgun and my trusty bayonet!”
“What, a gun that will give the other contestants cancer in ten years or, at worst, will make them squint? Then you have a blade that’s more suited to opening cans, and to top it all off, your covered in cardboard for armour.”
I opened my mouth but no words came out, I couldn’t deny that Saladin had a point. I had the worst weapons and the worst armour around.

“Okay, let’s get the other rules out of the way. Secondly, the game lasts only one day, if it is not finished then the hidden beast will be set to ‘rampage mode’.” explained Saladin
“Beast, what beast?” I inquired, worried
“The beast is controlled by the moderators; it will waken up once every four hours for half an hour during the contest, then it will go back to sleep, if nobody has won in one day it will be awake all the time and surely kill us all.”
“Hang on” I said. “Couldn’t we kill it?”
“Look” pointed out Saladin. “You’re probably the weakest here. What chance have you of killing it when nobody has ever killed it before?”
“So, what is this beast?”
“It is called Rasmus and it is the most powerful thing in the universe. All quail at its almighty powers, and nobody has ever killed it before”

“Third, you cannot escape the arena. This is the board of 40k online: there is no escape. Many unfortunate fools have perished within the depths of 40konline, even going into its early history, none have returned- all devoured by spam, flame and 3rd edition eldar cheesiness.”
“All right. Can’t escape. Got it.” I muttered to myself

“The last rule is DON’T BREAK THE FOURTH WALL.” Shouted Saladin
“I’m sorry... the what?”
“Do not say anything which could get us sued; don’t break the copyright of the original book”
“What so I’m in a crappy parody of a book, this is getting worse and worse” I moaned
“Of course, as if the stressed-out, pimple faced, teen typing this up could write his own original story…”
Suddenly, a hammer appeared over Saladin’s head, dropped and hit him.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you’re uncreative!” shouted Saladin
Then more hammers appeared, whacking Saladin
“He’s just on edge…” whispered Saladin to me. “That’s what happens when you’re suffering from extreme virginity.”
Then Saladin’s beard caught alight.
“Alright, I’ll stop!” shouted Saladin.
A chuckle could be heard throughout the 40k online boards.


Hope you enjoyed the second chapter- its gonna gradually get funnier

Edit: Note, corrected some mistakes in the second chapter- I'd also like to thank Ukos who helped me correct some of the mistakes.

[qwertypp7]

Not particularly well writen but funny none the less 

Hope to see more! 

[Ukos Sa'cea Rienn]

I have to say that as a story, this post fails rather pathetically. Its main failing is that it "breaks the fourth wall" far too often. I'm not sure you know quite what that means, by the way.

According to "www.m-w.com" (Merriam-Webster : Those people who make dictionaries...), The fourth wall is

"an imaginary wall (as at the opening of a modern stage proscenium) that keeps performers from recognizing or directly addressing their audience"

And thus, breaking the fourth wall is quite simply adressing the audience, or, in a piece of text, saying anything that refers to the world in which the reader resides, instead of the one in which the characters do - And doesn't refer at all to copyright infringement.

I wouldn't be surprised if you did know that, and only wrote it because you did break the fourth wall SO MUCH, but whatever.

Despite not being a particularily skillfully written story (That is just my opinion, so don't take it badly), it does have the redeeming feature of being mildly humourous. which is wht I believe you were aiming for. Therefore, on that count, congratulations.

Anywho, keep on writing!

-Ukos.

P.S. why did you pick a squat?!? If you're going to break the fourth wall like there's no tomorrow anyway, why not say it was a mod, or a hero member or something. Maybe it's just me but I don't like including squats in stories... Anyway, it's not important so don't worry about it.

[112740]

I have to say that as a story, this post fails rather pathetically. Its main failing is that it "breaks the fourth wall" far too often. I'm not sure you know quite what that means, by the way.

According to "www.m-w.com" (Merriam-Webster : Those people who make dictionaries...), The fourth wall is

"an imaginary wall (as at the opening of a modern stage proscenium) that keeps performers from recognizing or directly addressing their audience"

And thus, breaking the fourth wall is quite simply adressing the audience, or, in a piece of text, saying anything that refers to the world in which the reader resides, instead of the one in which the characters do - And doesn't refer at all to copyright infringement.

I wouldn't be surprised if you did know that, and only wrote it because you did break the fourth wall SO MUCH, but whatever.

Despite not being a particularily skillfully written story (That is just my opinion, so don't take it badly), it does have the redeeming feature of being mildly humourous. which is wht I believe you were aiming for. Therefore, on that count, congratulations.

Anywho, keep on writing!

-Ukos.

P.S. why did you pick a squat?!? If you're going to break the fourth wall like there's no tomorrow anyway, why not say it was a mod, or a hero member or something. Maybe it's just me but I don't like including squats in stories... Anyway, it's not important so don't worry about it.

Just curious... are you the "know all" when it comes to writing? Anyways its his story so if he wants a squat, he can use a squat.

[Ukos Sa'cea Rienn]

No, I'm not the "know it all of writing" as you put it, but I do try my best to help others improve. While that may sound harsh at times, It isn't meant to be completely degrading. I never said I was the best writer in the world, and thus my own efforts at vocalising my thoughts may end up giving the wrong impression. Especially since when something is written, it's impossible to ascertain the tone in which it is said. I did try to at least badly note that the only problem I had with the story is the tremendously numerous breaking of the fourth wall by saying that it was only my opinion, and as you have just proven, not many people think as I do.

I am sorry if what I wrote sounds all too negative, and, looking back, I can see thigns that I could have reworded, in order to sound less vicious and more helpful, but I was trying to help.

I only pointed out the Fourth Wall thing because I'm a bit crazy about Vocabulary, and if I see a word or phrase which I think has been mis-used I - at least on the fiction boards - try to correct the error, and by doing so, try to help the author better express him or herself.

As to the Squat, I do say that it was only a personal preferance of mine to not use squats, and that was really only a minor thing, due to my own preferance, and was thus unimportant.

Part of the problem may be that my current writing style may be making me sound far too pompous for my liking but, as of yet, that can't be helped.

Lastly, I did congratulate the author on writing a humourous story, even if i did do so too abruptly.

-Ukos.

P.S. Tyranid, I really am sorry if I sounded too harsh in my criticism of your story. I did like it, even if I only commented at length on the parts of it I didn't like. I post as I do because it seems to me that benig able to comment in a way that will not only show that one has read and enjoyed the text, but also that the reader wants to see it continue, and wants to help the author - in this case, you - make it as good as can be. I'm not asking you to take out the fourth wall breaks, just to change the passage of your story where you said that "breaking the fourth wall" meant infringing on copyrights. Maybe even just change it to saying "Don't infringe on anybodies copyrights!".I think that would get the message across as you would like it to, and would also get the same sort of reaction if you said it to someone as though they were likely to. I would like to hear from you, either in this post or via PM. Please try to contact me so I can either explain myself and appologize further or try to give other assistance.

[Possum]

Tyranid Warrior, your plotline so far is pretty good, but the story feels somewhat rushed. If you want to keep the fast pace, maybe a few more details or descriptions would help flesh it out a bit.

Also I am not sure but it appears like your story has a multiple personality disorder , you switch out between 3rd and 1st person perspectives which is pretty hard to follow. And if "I" and "T.W." are two seperate beings,I apologize and please clarify that later. Overall I thought it was pretty funny and will look forward to more. I love to laugh.(Especially when I am procrastinating instead of studying and doing my homework for my classes tomorrow.)

And thus, breaking the fourth wall is quite simply adressing the audience, or, in a piece of text, saying anything that refers to the world in which the reader resides, instead of the one in which the characters do - And doesn't refer at all to copyright infringement.

I wouldn't be surprised if you did know that, and only wrote it because you did break the fourth wall SO MUCH, but whatever.

Reading through I am not so sure he broke the wall in his story more than once or twice. The setting of the story is on the boards of the 40konline website. So referring to them directly or the people on the boards would not be breaking the fourth wall at all. But in comedy, which this is, using the fourth wall as a prop or tool to increase the comedy is sometimes very useful it utilized wisely. Some of my favourite comedy movies and shows have intentionally broken the fourth wall and they still are hillarious and great fun to watch.

You are correct with the statement about the copyright vs. fourth wall, they are not the same.

P.S. why did you pick a squat?!? If you're going to break the fourth wall like there's no tomorrow anyway, why not say it was a mod, or a hero member or something. Maybe it's just me but I don't like including squats in stories... Anyway, it's not important so don't worry about it.

As to the Squat, I do say that it was only a personal preferance of mine to not use squats, and that was really only a minor thing, due to my own preferance, and was thus unimportant.

If it just personal preference of such a minor degree why mention it at all. Squats are funny, in the Inquisition War Grimm(the squat) played a little bit of comedic relief as well as a serious character in the plot and I have always gotten a chuckle out of thinking about a tiny abhuman riding around in a trike.

You are a decent writer yourself but try not to push your writing styles and preferences on someone elses. Some things like word choice and grammar is fine.

[redskin]

No, I'm not the "know it all of writing" as you put it, but I do try my best to help others improve. While that may sound harsh at times, It isn't meant to be completely degrading. I never said I was the best writer in the world, and thus my own efforts at vocalising my thoughts may end up giving the wrong impression. Especially since when something is written, it's impossible to ascertain the tone in which it is said. I did try to at least badly note that the only problem I had with the story is the tremendously numerous breaking of the fourth wall by saying that it was only my opinion, and as you have just proven, not many people think as I do.

I am sorry if what I wrote sounds all too negative, and, looking back, I can see thigns that I could have reworded, in order to sound less vicious and more helpful, but I was trying to help.

I only pointed out the Fourth Wall thing because I'm a bit crazy about Vocabulary, and if I see a word or phrase which I think has been mis-used I - at least on the fiction boards - try to correct the error, and by doing so, try to help the author better express him or herself.

As to the Squat, I do say that it was only a personal preferance of mine to not use squats, and that was really only a minor thing, due to my own preferance, and was thus unimportant.

Part of the problem may be that my current writing style may be making me sound far too pompous for my liking but, as of yet, that can't be helped.

Lastly, I did congratulate the author on writing a humourous story, even if i did do so too abruptly.

In all my writing classes ever, they taught us economy. Its better to use one small word than five big ones if you're saying the same thing. Above, you could've just said, "I'm sorry, I'm a noob," rather than put me through your whining. Though I should point out that writing is a demonstration of style. In just the same way that you're style is pompous and condescending, his demonstrates loose grammar and poor punctuation conveying greater humor, and both are just fine. If you want a better example of different styles, reading Stephen King and Charles Dickens, or Edgar Allen Poe and Emily Dickinson. You shouldn't jump to judging if you don't know the writer meant for it to be that way.

And as far as the story goes, 'Nid_Poser, or whatever, I think its hilarious. Keep it coming.

[112740]

No, I'm not the "know it all of writing" as you put it, but I do try my best to help others improve. While that may sound harsh at times, It isn't meant to be completely degrading. I never said I was the best writer in the world, and thus my own efforts at vocalising my thoughts may end up giving the wrong impression. Especially since when something is written, it's impossible to ascertain the tone in which it is said. I did try to at least badly note that the only problem I had with the story is the tremendously numerous breaking of the fourth wall by saying that it was only my opinion, and as you have just proven, not many people think as I do.

I am sorry if what I wrote sounds all too negative, and, looking back, I can see thigns that I could have reworded, in order to sound less vicious and more helpful, but I was trying to help.

I only pointed out the Fourth Wall thing because I'm a bit crazy about Vocabulary, and if I see a word or phrase which I think has been mis-used I - at least on the fiction boards - try to correct the error, and by doing so, try to help the author better express him or herself.

As to the Squat, I do say that it was only a personal preferance of mine to not use squats, and that was really only a minor thing, due to my own preferance, and was thus unimportant.

Part of the problem may be that my current writing style may be making me sound far too pompous for my liking but, as of yet, that can't be helped.

Lastly, I did congratulate the author on writing a humourous story, even if i did do so too abruptly.

In all my writing classes ever, they taught us economy. Its better to use one small word than five big ones if you're saying the same thing. Above, you could've just said, "I'm sorry, I'm a noob," rather than put me through your whining. Though I should point out that writing is a demonstration of style. In just the same way that you're style is pompous and condescending, his demonstrates loose grammar and poor punctuation conveying greater humor, and both are just fine. If you want a better example of different styles, reading Stephen King and Charles Dickens, or Edgar Allen Poe and Emily Dickinson. You shouldn't jump to judging if you don't know the writer meant for it to be that way.

And as far as the story goes, 'Nid_Poser, or whatever, I think its hilarious. Keep it coming.

Wow, your a jerk. Ukos apologized, and he did a good job of it in my opinion. And in regards to him being a "noob", you are one too, remember that.

[Heretek]

No, I'm not the "know it all of writing" as you put it, but I do try my best to help others improve. While that may sound harsh at times, It isn't meant to be completely degrading. I never said I was the best writer in the world, and thus my own efforts at vocalising my thoughts may end up giving the wrong impression. Especially since when something is written, it's impossible to ascertain the tone in which it is said. I did try to at least badly note that the only problem I had with the story is the tremendously numerous breaking of the fourth wall by saying that it was only my opinion, and as you have just proven, not many people think as I do.

I am sorry if what I wrote sounds all too negative, and, looking back, I can see thigns that I could have reworded, in order to sound less vicious and more helpful, but I was trying to help.

I only pointed out the Fourth Wall thing because I'm a bit crazy about Vocabulary, and if I see a word or phrase which I think has been mis-used I - at least on the fiction boards - try to correct the error, and by doing so, try to help the author better express him or herself.

As to the Squat, I do say that it was only a personal preferance of mine to not use squats, and that was really only a minor thing, due to my own preferance, and was thus unimportant.

Part of the problem may be that my current writing style may be making me sound far too pompous for my liking but, as of yet, that can't be helped.

Lastly, I did congratulate the author on writing a humourous story, even if i did do so too abruptly.

In all my writing classes ever, they taught us economy. Its better to use one small word than five big ones if you're saying the same thing. Above, you could've just said, "I'm sorry, I'm a noob," rather than put me through your whining. Though I should point out that writing is a demonstration of style. In just the same way that you're style is pompous and condescending, his demonstrates loose grammar and poor punctuation conveying greater humor, and both are just fine. If you want a better example of different styles, reading Stephen King and Charles Dickens, or Edgar Allen Poe and Emily Dickinson. You shouldn't jump to judging if you don't know the writer meant for it to be that way.

And as far as the story goes, 'Nid_Poser, or whatever, I think its hilarious. Keep it coming.

Redskin, I'd like to remind you, that post count is no indicator of status. Ukos has consistently made intelligent and insightfull posts on this forum. Particularly in the fiction section.

[redskin]

Redskin, I'd like to remind you, that post count is no indicator of status. Ukos has consistently made intelligent and insightfull posts on this forum. Particularly in the fiction section.

Did I mention post counts? I didn't? Huh...

He's a noob because he was a jerk, nothing more. He IS a smart guy, and I ALSO like what he has to say most of the time, which is why I'm sure he won't react to my post the way you did.

Of course, everything on a forum is a personal attack, right?

@tyranid_wannabe Sorry you're thread is getting flooded with petty stuff. And again, I like the story, can't wait for more. There isn't enough funny stuff out there.

[112740]

Oh God... you just couldnt leave it alone, could you. It is simply ironic to me that you are talking about Ukos being a jerk in a rude way. I am not sticking up for Ukos, I think he can do that, I am just saying while he can be less harsh, you can be less rude. Here, take a look at this:
http://www.40konline.com/index.php?topic=65098.0

[Heretek]

Redskin, I'd like to remind you, that post count is no indicator of status. Ukos has consistently made intelligent and insightfull posts on this forum. Particularly in the fiction section.

Did I mention post counts? I didn't? Huh...

He's a noob because he was a jerk, nothing more. He IS a smart guy, and I ALSO like what he has to say most of the time, which is why I'm sure he won't react to my post the way you did.

Of course, everything on a forum is a personal attack, right?

@tyranid_wannabe Sorry you're thread is getting flooded with petty stuff. And again, I like the story, can't wait for more. There isn't enough funny stuff out there.

By reacting the way I did, I assume you mean calmly, and without insulting anyone? So yes, I think he will react like me.

[Invisible Elephant]

Good work TW, although i don't know how many people will see some of the humour, as he is mainly an Oz author, but what you've got is reasonably good.

To others, send your arguement elsewhere, instead of intruding on TW's story the way you have.

[Heretek]

People post on this thread to receive comments, and yes, criticism. It's why this board exists, so people can get help and feedback. Calling somebody like Ukos a noob and a jerk for doing what this board is designed for is absolutely ludicrous.

[Tyranid_Wannabe]

Wow guys thats for the feedback, though I have to agree with cionnaith, please stop arguing- the argument is over. Though ukos did criticise me  , it was constuctive so I have no problem with it and he did apologize for any mis interpretation. I'm glad you are all finding it funny as thats my main aim, I hope to improve my writing skills as the story progresses- writing stories ain't my strong point- so any criticism is appreciated. Just enjoy the story and keep laughing  , I hope to write some more either tonight or tomorrow- good old week ends.

[.:Darkness:.]

Hahaha, i loved it T.W great job. Can use improvment but it has been stated before.

Im adding some to my sig *click* 

[Tyranid_Wannabe]

Chapter 3

“The match will start soon, but in the meanwhile, here's the list of competitors” said Saladin. “Now I’ve divided them up into a list on what you can probably kill and what contestants will wipe the floor with you.” “Now heres the list on what I think you have a chance of killing.”
“But the list is completely blank” I replied
“Exactly” said Saladin mischievously.
“Well, I suppose you’d better show me the list, on what you think I can’t kill.”

List of races that will murder T.W

A Farseer
A Wyche succubus
A Space marine Captain
A Chaos space marine aspiring champ
A Traitor guardsmen agitator
A Tau crisis battlesuit
A Necron Wraith
A Kroot shaper
A Tyranid Lictor
An Ork Nob
A Sister of battle
A Harlequin
An Adeptus Mechanicus Tech-priest

“Wow” I said, “You think of everything.”
“That’s why I’m here, unfortunately” muttered Saladin
“What was that?”
“Nothing, oh dear- times up, the match starts now. Well we better get around to dying.”
“You would be surprised what a guardsman can do, you’ll see” I said.
All I got in reply was a muffled giggle.

Suddenly a hulking shadow rounded the corner, it was massive. As light fell on the figure, I recognised it- it was a space marine. The space marine was male, he was decked out in power armour, he had in one hand a bolt pistol and in the other hand he had a hammer of gigantic proportions, a daemon hammer.
“Die, puny guardsmen” The space marine roared, “You are unworthy. I shall kill you and win for the emperor.”
With that, the Space marine charged, bringing his bolt pistol up and started shooting.

“Okay Saladin, I’m going to use the best guardsmen tactic for situations like this” I said
“Good, what’s the plan” Saladin said slightly relieved that I had a plan.
“Ok, its run” I said before turning around and running away from the charging space marine.
“Oh amphetamine parrot” swore Saladin before turning around and running after me, cursing my courage as we ran.


Hoped you like it

[.:Darkness:.]

*clap, clap, clap*

Keep it coming!

[Tyranid_Wannabe]

Chapter 4

As we ran, I saw a door with the words “Dark Eldar board” written upon it.
“Quick! Let’s, hide in here!” I said

We ran into the room and we collided with something, I tumbled around and looked what I had run into. It was a woman, except she was covered in ceremonial armour and had a variety of mean looking blades that made me gulp. I realised then that it was a dark elder wyche- legendary gladiatorial warriors who excelled in close combat. Then I noticed the room we were in. The room was covered in an assortment of bloody blades and other weapons. There was a huge table in the middle with some sort of victim bound to it with tough leather straps- except he didn’t look like he would be moving anytime soon.
“If his is what the dark elder forum is like, I shudder to think what would happen to me if I was captured…” I whimpered
“Yeah, especially since this is the children’s play room….” said Saladin agreeing
I nearly fainted.

 There was a huge bang and the giant space marine came crashing through the door. Somehow, we had formed into a triangle, a contestant at each point.

It was a standoff

“Filty monkeigh! I will slit your gizzards!” yelled the dark eldar.
“Die foul xenos!” roared the space marine as he charged the dark eldar.

Transfixed, I watched the battle that was taking before me. Both contestants dodged and ducked incoming blows, neither contestant could land a blow, but the space marine was tiring. Then the space marine made his first mistake as he swung wildly. He received a stabbing blow to the chest, then the hip for his mistake. He looked like he would be in real trouble. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a lictor appeared and joined the fray. The wyche was momentarily occupied. Without thinking I ran towards the space marine, lifted him up and hauled him away from the battle.

As I hauled the unconscious space marine away, I heard the screams of the lictor, then gurgling. It seemed that the lictor had been no match for the dark eldar once it had lost the element of surprise.

“Where am I” said the space marine groggily
“I rescued you” I informed him
“Who are you?”
“I’m T.W the imperial guard representative for the contest” I said proudly
The space marine bowed his head and didn’t say another word.

“Quick, T.W” said Saladin. “The dark eldar will be upon us at any minute.”
“I know! Lets hide in here!” I suggested, pointing to yet another door.
“Do you even know what’s behind that door?” said Saladin in disbelief.
“Don’t care. Let’s just go!” I said forcefully.

I saw that Saladin shuddered as we entered the room; even the space marine became pale. Then as the door closed I gulped and saw what was written on the door…

 “The Space Tavern”.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Once again I would like to thank ukos, for helping me out with my story.