Topic: Lost souls and complaints department

[Arch_inquisitor]

Hi my name is Arch_inquisitor.
If you have suffered tragically in a tavern game than this thread is for you.
I represent the astral law firm of Alluminas, Arianka & Solkan and if you have
been unnecessarily harmed in a tavern game we will work tirelessly for you.
Until you have been restored to life, your soul has been returned or limbs
replaced. 

Whatever the mishap suit will be filed in the warp and your case will be
investigated. Unfortunately the laws may restrict me from tampering in the
realms said mishaps occurred but eventual restitution is assured or your money
back.

To file a case post what misfortune has befallen you and the paticulars
surrounding it ie. where it happened and if so who perpetrated it. And I will
begin the long, arduous task of filing suit on your behalf in the warp. Don't
be afraid to file if others already have, I can handle multiple cases.   

Come on in, my spacious warp offices are comfortable and a hot coffee is waiting.
 
 

[Tauir - "The Shadow"]

Well, in the ITAPA thread, I got this:

Yours [avatar] is a rebellious space fairy elf.

I'm filing in an abuse case against Jawmonkey. Will you help me?

[Arch_inquisitor]

Mr. Tauir is it, come in, come in, take a seat have a coffee. My secretary makes the best coffee in the warp,
but be warned she is a daemonette so don't be freaked out if you start feeling funny.
 
Now insults are a difficult case normally, but this sounds more like racial discrimination. This
Jawmonkey fellow (who shall hereafter be referred to as the defendant) was obviously disparaging
your avatars noble Dark Eldar heritage, And
I think we may have a case.     

Now what sort of reparations are you looking for, normally in racial discrimination case it usually
is just a cash/gold settlement or if you want to take the difficult road we can go for a public
apology and humiliation but it isn't easy finding a judge that will make that ruling.

Alternatively we can take it to a Chaos judge but the ruling is always random and could include 
significant risk to you. ie. it is not uncommon in a chaos courtroom for the plaintiff to be ordered
to pay said reparations to the defendant or one or both of you executed, I rarely take a case to
them. 

How's the coffee by the way     

[jawmonkey]

Tauir doesn't have much of a case I'm afraid, I only spoke the truth.
1) Dark Eldar could easily be considered "rebellious could they not? They are after all certainly not following the Eldar norm of their society. I might even go so far as to call them "bad" or "naughty".
2) The Eldar are, or would be, considered Elves in a fantasy setting; I'm sure that the general consensus of wargamers would agree to my point.
3) The Eldars live in space, as does everything, unless you are insinuating that they live in some other-where-else that is not reality; so unless your Stephen Hawkins, the majority of people would agree that Eldar, and the other races of the Warhammer 40k universe inhabit "space".

So I inccured no libel when I claimed that the Dark Eldar character is a "rebellious space elf", I only stated a fact from a certain point of view; your patient is likely suffering an attention disorder resulting from the lack of credible support from GW. I would suggest that he switch to a "lesswussy, more up-to-date" army for the time being.

[Arch_inquisitor]

Mr. Jawmonkey this is unexpected I didn't even have to send a summons, Please sit have some coffee.

Now Mr. Jawmonkey I understand what you are saying, and I take it you want me to dismiss my first case before I've even had a chance to file it.

But unfortunately no scientific evidence exists linking Dark or High Elves to the current Eldar genotype. At the very least it is a case of misrepresentation. If not a down right slur, unless my client see's your point of view and withdraws, we will have wait and see what the judge says. But we will be lowering our claim based solely on the 'Elf' portion of the comment.

How's the coffee by the way. 

So I will give Mr. Tauir a chance to give his thoughts and we will go from there.       

[jawmonkey]

Mr. Jawmonkey this is unexpected I didn't even have to send a summons, Please sit have some coffee.

I'm the Monkey God; I'm omnipresent, no need to summon me, I come and go as I please. No, I'll stand and I do not drink coffee; do you have any banana daiquiris or blood?

Now Mr. Jawmonkey I understand what you are saying, and I take it you want me to dismiss my first case before I've even had a chance to file it.

What, dismiss? Why bother? A Dark Eldar player can actually stop whining about the subject? Bullocks!

But unfortunately no scientific evidence exists linking Dark or High Elves to the current Eldar genotype. At the very least it is a case of misrepresentation. If not a down right slur, unless my client see's your point of view and withdraws, we will have wait and see what the judge says. But we will be lowering our claim based solely on the 'Elf' portion of the comment.

Okay all I'm saying is look at what the two groups (Eldar and Elves) have in common;
-They have pointy ears
-Dabble in the arcane (e.g. purported magic/psychic powers)
-Long lived
-Arrogant
-Make cookies in a big tree

The evidence is stacking up; Dark Eldar must be "rebellious space elves". I think its time to wake up and taste the rainbow smell the coffee.

How's the coffee by the way. 

So I will give Mr. Tauir a chance to give his thoughts and we will go from there.       

What?! [spew beverage] I thought this was blood! ARGHHH!!!
[throws cup against wall]
Why wait for Tauir's point of view? He'll likely dredge up something about "no codex for twenty years" or some such...

[Lord of Winter and War]

Avatar: What the beslubber is that? 6/10

Me. 

Upsetting. Complaints? Why not.

[Tauir - "The Shadow"]

I claim emotional damages.  . Both because he's rubbing it in cuz we're not getting a codex for a dozen years, and he's...mean.

How much is that worth?

[jawmonkey]

Your right, here, take this...
[Throws slimey poop at Tauir]

[Arch_inquisitor]

Now Mr. Jawmonkey I am aware of your status I remember see you before my black hole incident so I have no intention of disrespecting you. But please stop flinging things around my office I've just opened the place. I'm not the judge, Mr. Tauir and I were just about to discuss his case and my retainer nothing more at this point, please take a seat in the waiting room and we can talk like gentlemen after I have addressed my client. And that was a waste of good coffee by the way. 

Now if you all give me a moment I'll buzz my secretary to come clean this up.
*ahem* Miss Daemonette could you come in and take care of a mess for me....uh you can expect a hefty pay raise after this one.

Sorry Mr. Killersquid if you don't mind taking a seat in the waiting room and having some coffee, I will be with you momentarily.

Okay Mr. Tauir you may be able to press legal charges, He did assault you with feces in front of witnesses. But I will not be able to file suit as I was directly involved in the incident.   

Now as to your case, you wish to claim emotional damages based on the derogatory  comment 'Yours [avatar] is a rebellious space fairy elf.' directed at you by the defendant.

The words 'Rebellious' and 'Space' hold no sway whatsoever but the 'Elf' thing is where we may have something. Unfortunately the incident took place in ITAPA and their is a social contract there but racial defamation is always poorly looked on. Tell me have you needed or felt you needed therapy due to this attack?.               

And you still haven't told me how you like the coffee. Oh and as for your codex the defendant can't be held responsible for that, and since GW owns the warp and everything in it, my filing suit against them would be pointless. I'm sorry

[jawmonkey]

"I feel so bad; picking on Tauir like that and all", The Monkey God hangs his head in remorse,"I must make it up to him."

The Monkey God scoots over to Tauir and gives him a big, sloppy Monkey kiss... Then begins to introduce to him the Monkey God's patented Silverback mountain^TM action.

[Tauir - "The Shadow"]

Then begins to introduce to him the Monkey God's patented Silverback mountain^TM action.

More emotional damage.

And yes, I've considered therapy many times, but, I've never had the courage to go there.

And the coffee is very good, btw.

[jawmonkey]

More emotional damage.

I refer to it as "love marks".

With a name like Tauir "The Mourner" only indicates to me that you need a little "Monkey luv"; so c'mere and take what you need. 

[Arch_inquisitor]

Mr. Jawmonkey I just can't have you assaulting my client right here in my office. This won't look good for you in court. Please just a few moments in the waiting room, my secratary is a daemonette maybe she can amuse you.

Mr. Tauir thats good that you considered the counseling it will look good for us in court. I will take your case my retainer is 3 Ork teeth a day if you accept sorry no Orc teeth please . I can see you have suffered but the next part is up to me I'll file your case and call you to witness when the time comes.       

Now miss daemonette is Mr. Killersquid out there please send him in. 

For a moment Arch_inquisitor slips out of his straight dialog format and thinks to himself.
'Perhaps I should shut down my law offices take the time to become elected a judge and open up a tavern court house instead, I mean this place is already a mess and I think my only other client has left' 

[Lord of Winter and War]

Hello, I heard you called for me.

[jawmonkey]

"Yes come in, you see Tauir is a sissy and I need something more fun to sit on my lap" The Monkey God Leers at Killersquid as only a Monkey can,"Don't worry I'll only bite if you ask. Now I have heard that the Starkster has picked on you"

The Monkey smears massive amounts of lipstick on his face and smells his armpit.

"I know all too well what that can do a person. Jeeze! so timid!" The Monkey God hops up onto Killersquid's lap instead and begins to search for fleas (on KS),"Pay attention to the Arch_Inquisitor while the Monkey makes you feel better... say you don't have a Dark Eldar army do you?"

[Arch_inquisitor]

Mr. Killersquid... I'm sorry  Mr. Jawmonkey he hasn't left my office since he got here, .... yes lets get down to business... lets see so your avatar was derided by one MR. Starrakatt who shall from here on be known as the defendant now where did this take place?.

Unfortunately if it took place in the ITAP thread and it wasn't an out and out slur, I'm afraid their is little I can do as their is a social contract there. But looking at the nature of said derision I may be able to get you a nice little settlement if it occurred anywhere else.       


Arch_inquisitors thoughts drift again to opening a Tavern Games Small Claims Court House. He ponders at his own noobishness to the tavern, wondering why he didn't post any rules to the game and if he does open a court house that he will be sure to post some there before anything gets started. 

[jawmonkey]

Noticing Arch_Inquisitor's frustration the Monkey God hops from Killersquid's lap and waltzes over and plops down in Inquisitor's,"You seem so upset Archie. You see rules are made to be broken",The Monkey plants a fat slimey kiss on his check (despite protests),"It's not that I hate this thread, it's actually quite fun; but being the 'Trickster God' comes with certain responsibilities..."

The Monkey God continues to make strange apish kissy faces at Arch_Inquisitor.

[Lord of Winter and War]

This place is very strange Killersquid thought aloud, after a strange jawed monkey lept on and off his lap. He was also curious how it could talk as well. Or whether or not it is a monkey. Also, he strangely thought that the coffee was off and that he completly forgot while he was there.

"I hope I was not saying that out loud" he spoke aloud, to no one in particular, then walked out the door in the direction of the chaos boards to continue his constant vigilance and abuse of powers.

[Arch_inquisitor]

Oh no MR. Jawmonkey I'm not blaming you for my offices woes. I am blaming myself for not thinking through opening this office. You see thanks to this thread I have been inspired, things rather started out like a chaotic courthouse and it was quite, fun, all it needed was a judge.

Arch_inquisitor starts rifling through his desk for a moment then coming up empty handed buzzes his secretary.
'miss deamonette could you please bring in those application for judge papers. Oh and send away any new clients for a few moments.'