Topic: War for Orteaz

[Shortsonfire79]

Hey guys.  I've just recently joined the thread (Not recently in real terms..but I haven't lurked here much)  I was referred to by Magos Maxwell..or whatever he's called.  This is my WIP fluff for my Space Marine chapter, The Royal Redeemers.  I skimmed the rules for posting in the Fluff section..and I'm sure my story follows pretty closely. 

One thing that Maxwell pointed out, is that when large movements of Ultramarines are recorded in cannon fluff...which I realize now, is my mistake (hey...I'm writing this during my classes.. (no books infront of me..all imagination) so..please get off my back)..so my way of working around this..is some form of lost records.  If you look in the Codex, page 40, theres a large gap between 993.M41 and 509997.M41 (what I just now realize is 4 years..but its passable).  So my fluff lies somewhere within those 4 years..a date is undecided as of now.

I'd like some advanced critique, and non-advanced critique too, even a "good story"/"bad story" would be great, as long as you have a way to support your reply.  I thrive on replies and messages... Please help me out.

The entire chapter, save for the ninth company was present at the War for Orteaz (Or-Tea-Ahs), due to the high impact threat, and their burning hate of the forces of Chaos. They were one of six Space Marine chapters who answered the call for help by the Planetary Defense Force, the other five being the Ultramarines, Blood Angels, Imperial Fists, TRON Templars, and the Doom Eagles. The Royal Redeemers and Ultramarines were the only ones who committed more than half their chapter to the war. Marneus Calgar saw this as an amazing feat, that there was another chapter that was willing to commit themselves against fighting the agents of Chaos. The Royal Redeemers weren’t the hardest or most brutal fighters, but they were the most tactically aware and ready, which with Captain Darnath Lysander’s tactical adeptness, helped secure important objectives, which enabled the arrival of heavier war machines, like Titans to be brought to the battlefield.

The Royal Redeemers were the second chapter to arrive to the Orteaz System. There was a small Blood Angels fleet lurking behind the third planet in the system. The Royal Redeemers didn’t bother questioning the wisdom of the commander, as the Blood Angels have had much more experience since before the Horus Heresy. The Royal Redeemers were getting ready to drop pod to the fifth planet in the system, where the primary threat was spotted, when the Blood Angel commander, Mephiston, Lord of Death, contacted them on the intercom. He said that the force on-planet was so large, they would need sufficiently more reinforcements. He had already attempted to contact the Planetary Defence Forces to see what the threat was. There was no PDF left to respond.

Behind the Royal Redeemers, heavy transports from the Adeptus Titanicus Legion Ferrus Sempiterna arrived. With the added firepower of the Titans, the battle could surely be won. The rest of the chapters arrived in similar fasion, each group being intercepted before they made the mistake of attacking the planet. With the Royal Redeemers’ pre-tactical analysis, Lysander was able to coordinate a battle plan for the entire force. Marneus Calgar was also able to determine where the Titans would be needed for a full frontal attack. Calgar naturally assumed the role of Supreme Commander for the entire Imperial Force. None of the other commanders agued.

Arduanus Isaac Selanus, Chapter Master of the Royal Redeemers had already sent out a couple of Thunderhawk Gunships to survey the planet’s surface for force mobilization. While there, the gunships reported a high concentration of Chaos Forces, moving to a central area. The area where they were forming is unknown. There are thoughts of warp gates being open to bring in Chaos Daemons from the Warp. On this note, Selanus, Calgar, and Lysander alerted the entire force of the thread that the Chaos infestation bears.

After a Council meeting, the forty (ten Royal Redeemers, eight Ultramarines, four Imperial Fists, four Blood Angels, three TRON Templars, and three Doom Eagles, and the eight Titan Princeps) commanders were informed of the battle plan, and told to form up their forces. The Imperium shall bring another victory under its belt.

The Royal Redeemers were told by Selanus that majority of the chapter will be drop podding together. The first companies of the entire Imperial force will be mobilizing after a Deathknell Missile brings a teleport homer to the planet’s surface. There would be a total of 115 Tactical Dreadnought Armored marines on the battlefield. Royal Redeemers’ scouts would be deployed in key areas, to help pick off squad leaders and commanders with their sniper rifles.

TRON Templar Marines belongs to Doremicom over on Youtube.
Adeptus Titanicus Legion Ferrus Sempiterna belongs to LordMarcus over on 40KTerra.

Gee..Its a lot shorter looking when its not in Word.. its a page and a quarter on there...I hope to one day get it to past 3 pages.

Planetfall
"Sir! Fore shields have been reduced to 48%!" a Servitor on the bridge exclaimed.
In his drop pod, Selanus shot his reply back immediately over the intercom.
"Keep moving at full speed, they depend on our arrival."
"Aye sir." Replied the Servitor.
"Sir, 30 seconds until we are in range to commence drop podding."  Another Servitor droned.
~
"Acknowledged"
Selanus patched himself into the speakers within the hanger, so he could talk to his battle brothers.
"Brothers! Hear my call!  The rest of our force has already made planetfall.  The first blood of the Imperium has been shed, and at what cost?  Thrice the amount of those Chaos scum!  We must redeem the fallen brothers.  For we.Are.The.ROYAL REDEEMERS!"
At that note, nearly 100 drop pods were launched, accelerating to the planet's surface at near supersonic speeds.
"Brothers!  Prepare yourselves!  We ride to war!  Let your fire be fueled by the loss of your brothers!  In the name of the Emperor and the Primarch, we are the Royal Redeemers!"
~

13 hours earlier.

Calgar slowly arose from his seat in the commander's briefing.  "We ride to war."
As the meeting dispersed, Calgar approached Selanus, "we will be awaiting your arrival, brother."
"We will arive on time, don't worry.  Just make sure you leave something for us to kill" replied Selanus.
"Don't fret, old friend, we'll leave you one or two" smiled Calgar.
"You mean one or two thousand right?"

~~~
Present Time

"Sir, Selanus reports they have have punched a hole in the Chaos Forces." Droned a servitor.
"Are the Thunderhawks ready for flight?" Asked the Fleet Commander.
"Yes sir." Reported a different servitor.
"Deploy them now, I want them to drop the armor in that opening." Stated the commander.
As he gave that command, thirty Thunderhawks, of various design, deployed from the nine Royal Redeemers' ships in orbit.
~

On planet.
"Sir! A Chaos titan has just walked over that ridge!" Screamed Brother Arlan.
Walking was putting it lightly, it ran, smashing Chaos troops without care. It's Mega-Bolters and Inferno Cannon blazing. Thankfully, it managed to hit nothing but more Chaos marines and armor.
"Oh throne, Emperor protect." Muttered Selanus.

"Aye! We have confirmation that the Thunderhawks were deployed." Reported Brother Sergeant Cornelius, listening to his headset.
"Look sir, over that hill!" Yelled Brother Andre, pointing.

The Ultramarines spearhead was rumbling over a hill to the east. Their Land Raiders' lascannons blazing in the direction of the titan.

From the clouds, eighteen Thunderhawk Transports, carrying Land Raiders and Predators descended steeply. Accompaniing them, were twelve Thunderhawk Gunships, breaking away from the descent force, and directing their heavy fire on the titan.

The titan, it's attention drawn away from the Royal Redeemers, stumbled to a halt as it was nailed by heavy weapons fire. As it looked up to see what the massive amount of fire was coming from, the twelve gunships hit it with twelve shots from their Turbolaser Destructors. It sumbled backwads, and as the concentraded lascannon fire hit it, it toppled backwards onto hundreds of Chaos marines. With a mighty cheer, the Royal Redeemers and Ultramarines surged towards each other.

As the Chaos forces retreated, and a bloody swath behind them, the Royal Redeemers, with their newly landed armor and transports reunited with the Ultramarines.
"So Calgar, how goes the battle?" Inquired Selanus.
"Oh, you know... its fun, as usual." Declared Calgar.
"Mmm, right right. How'd you get to battle?" Started Selanus.
"I rode in the Maximus, of course." Stated Calgar, as a matter of factly.
"Oh, right, the Maximus...well, have you seen the Redeemer? Our Exterminus Pattern Land Raider?" Smiled Selanus.
"Yeah..." Grumbled Calgar.
Selanus Grinned.

Its still heavy WIP.  I wrote it yesterday.  This time, its in all first person.  I have never written in this person before (for something more than a page) and I find it sort of confusing.  If you read anything wrong, or see some way you can help, please help me.

[Tauir - "The Shadow"]

I thrive on replies and messages...

Don't we all mate, don't we all.

Great fluff, solid plot line, and great analysis.

Two comments:

You've included a lot of named characters in your story, would Calgar, Lysander, and Mephiston all end up in the same system?

Also, this Isaac Seleanus (nice name, BTW) character seems pretty cool, and more background detail would be nice (how old he is, campaigns/battles he's fought in, etc. etc)

Finally, the story feels like it is being written by a 3rd person observer at some times, and then like a navy commander on the scene at others. I would recommend deleting parts that feel like the navy commander or 3rd person observer, and stick with one.

[Myen'Tal]

Hey Shortsonfire, welcome to the forums!

Nice fluff so far, but a comment on a few things that I saw:

First, there's nothing wrong with chapters commiting companies in any campaigns they choose, but its usually done with more local chapters in the vicinity than others scattered across the Imperium -that usually happens in emergeny crisis-. Well that's my opinion at least. It would be even more rare for such infamous characters to unite for this one battle, I think choosing one to fight alongside Isaac and changing the others to captains or something would fit more.

There would be a total of 115 Tactical Dreadnought Armored marines on the battlefield.

That's alot of Terminator's, even for all the assembled chapters. Terminators of whoever's first company are usually divided among other companies to give support. A hundred and fifteen is around a full company.

Those aside, everything looks solid to me, the 4 year gap in the database works fine I think and I agree with Tauir about the perspectives, a bit of tweaking can fix that.

A good start so far and hope to see more from you Shortsonfire79, good work.

[Shortsonfire79]

Thanks guys, I'm totally stoked with those first two comments! =-D
lets see..where to start.

@Tauir: I think I might remove Mephiston and Lysander..I didn't really like the feel of having the BA commander there anways. 
Isaac Seleanus :I came up with that name this morning =-D I had Isaac sitting there, and Arduini is on of the teachers at my school..Seleanus... I have no clue =-D  I plan on putting his background in my chapter information, which is almost done.  That can be viewd here.  Royal Redeemers
I've always had trouble writing in a single form.  I intended this to be a 3rd person the whole time..but as you've noted, its not...I'll attempt to fix it, but I can't promise much

@FireMahSeaOttas:  It is a major Chaos threat...probably somewhere near the Eye of Terror (maybe...) but theres supposed to be a major gathering of Chaos force there..perhaps I should explain that.
115 Termies..My chapter has 35 (enough to use the Deathknell Strike), The Ultramarines have (what I could have sworn I read in the Codex) 37, and I assumed that the other three chapters had at least 15..so 117, but I estimated...I guess none of the other three chapters would commit their entire Terminator group...so I guess maybe I should change it to...63?

[Myen'Tal]

so I guess maybe I should change it to...63?

Yeah, sixty-three sounds good.

And it would help to know how the details of chaos forces massing in Orteaz, but the amount of chapters involved does shed some light on the scale.

[Shortsonfire79]

And it would help to know how the details of chaos forces massing in Orteaz, but the amount of chapters involved does shed some light on the scale.

Aye.  But somewhere in there, it says something about a Thawk doing surveys or something..and it says they're moving to a central area?  The don't know what yet, and will only find out when they get there.  ( In reality, I don't know yet either) it'll most likely be all of them.  Khorne, Slaaneesh, Nurgle..and the other.. I'll be reading the Chaos Daemons Codex later on... (I have all of them =-D  I love the internet and the illegal things it brings)

thanks

[Shortsonfire79]

A new section of the writing has been posted.  Its in the second quote box on the first post.  Its in first person.  I've never written like this before, so I'm having some trouble.  I started writing yesterday, 1/6, so it hasn't been edited yet.

C&C are greatly appreciated, especially from Tauir and FireMahLazer (which was a funny video playlist)

[Myen'Tal]

Good that you're back, Shortsonfire79.

For your first attempt at writing first person, its a great start. Thought it was pretty good, just a few things...

"Sir, 30 seconds until we are in range to commence drop podding."  Another Servitor droned.
~
"Acknowledged."

No need for that tilde in there, since its the same scene.

 

For we.Are.The.ROYAL REDEEMERS!"

In the name of the Emperor and the Primarch, we are the Royal Redeemers!"

Nothing really wrong here, he just kind of repeated himself .

That's it, it was a nice update and you're doing well so far with first person. If there's something that kind of confuses or gives you trouble when you're writing from the perspective, post it up or pm me and I'll do my best to help .

(which was a funny video playlist)

[Tauir - "The Shadow"]

C&C are greatly appreciated, especially from Tauir and FireMahLazer (which was a funny video playlist)

Glad we're appreciated.

Aside from FML, here's my advice.

100 Drop Pods? What the... If 10 space marines per drop pod, that's their entire chapter, which would be very rare for any space marine chapter to do.

Chaos killing 3 times their weight? Damn Calgar needs some help... Not saying its unbelievable, but...unusual.

Anyways, checking out the B&C thing, and your painting is pretty good. Keep up the good work.

[Shortsonfire79]

"Sir, 30 seconds until we are in range to commence drop podding."  Another Servitor droned.
~
"Acknowledged."

No need for that tilde in there, since its the same scene.

 

For we.Are.The.ROYAL REDEEMERS!"

In the name of the Emperor and the Primarch, we are the Royal Redeemers!"

Nothing really wrong here, he just kind of repeated himself .

I put the ~ tilde in there, because its in a different area of the ship.  The servitors are in the bridge, and everyone else are in the hangar, so its kinda in a different scene.

It is repetitive, but I tried to get the first part, to kinda sound like the  "this is Sparta", with the breaks between the words, and the second time, not like that, kind of like an announcement to the enemy.

100 Drop Pods? What the... If 10 space marines per drop pod, that's their entire chapter, which would be very rare for any space marine chapter to do.

Chaos killing 3 times their weight? Damn Calgar needs some help... Not saying its unbelievable, but...unusual.

Anyways, checking out the B&C thing, and your painting is pretty good. Keep up the good work.

100 drop pods.  I did the math.  800 or so marines with Dreadnoughts.

The entire chapter, save for the ninth company was present at the War for Orteaz

So 1000 marines (chapter) minus 9th company=900, minus parts of 1st company, say...850ish.

The Chaos have killed 1/3 of what they've lost.  Which is right.
Thrice:(avb) three times
So the first blood of the Imperium, and 3 times as much of Chaos has been lost.

[Shortsonfire79]

New Update.

It starts at the ~~~
I wrote it on my way up to Reno, the Biggest Little City... On my iTouch, and it actually came out to be a lot more than I expected.

I'm really pleased.

[Tauir - "The Shadow"]

Wooo hooo. Good work mate.

Keep up the story.

One point, the dialogue between Seleanus and Calgar seems a bit cheesy, so...

[Shortsonfire79]

Yeah I know its cheesy..I didn't like the way it came out at all..but I did want a way for Selanus to be able to make fun of Calgar..since not many can or do...

And the Redeemer Exterminus is much more bad ass than the Maximus

[Myen'Tal]

Nice update, man. Nothing wrong that I can point out, yet that dialogue...

How well does Selanus know Calgar though? Cause if they had only recently met, I can't see him poking fun at the Ultramarine Chapter master as if they were good friends... just a thought.

I put the ~ tilde in there, because its in a different area of the ship.  The servitors are in the bridge, and everyone else are in the hangar, so its kinda in a different scene.

Oh, okay, though you may want to add something to clarify that, like a little headline "hangar" or something. Since that part was mostly dialogue, you really can't tell unless you say.

Besides that, hopinig to see more soon, keep it up!

[Shortsonfire79]

 Yeah..you're right about poking fun..but then again..everyone knows Calgar.  Since they're both men of equality, they feel free to joke with each other....I dunno..I haven't really thought about that.

Thanks!

[Khodexus]

Just a quick clarification, and I hope I'm not confusing the issue.  Technically everything you've written has been in third person perspective.  First person would be like this:

"Acknowledged"
I patched myself into the speakers within the hanger, so I could talk to my battle brothers.

First Person means the story is being told by the main character.  Third person means that the story is being told by someone not in the story at all.

Now, there are two kinds of Third Person narratives.  The first, and most common, is "omniscient" third person.  This means that the "narration" knows the thoughts of all the characters, and can explain things in detail that none of the characters would know, changing around to focus on different characters at different times.

The second type, is "personal" third person, which is like first person perspective in that it follows one character, and doesn't tell you things they wouldn't know.  However, it's still told with "he" and "him" instead of "I" and "me".

Make sense?

Anyways, your story seems interesting, but cutting down the scope just a little, and the named characters would feel more realistic (as has been mentioned).  Also, your first section is told in a "history book" style, describing the events in a very detatched manner, which can work for an introduction if you do it right, but I think this story would be more interesting if you told it all from a more personal third person perspective right from the start, especially since you don't want them to know things about the chaos forces until later in the story.  You can let them know only what your main characters discover, as they discover it.

"-That is all."

[Shortsonfire79]

Just a quick clarification, and I hope I'm not confusing the issue.  Technically everything you've written has been in third person perspective.  First person would be like this:

"Acknowledged"
I patched myself into the speakers within the hanger, so I could talk to my battle brothers.

First Person means the story is being told by the main character.  Third person means that the story is being told by someone not in the story at all.

Now, there are two kinds of Third Person narratives.  The first, and most common, is "omniscient" third person.  This means that the "narration" knows the thoughts of all the characters, and can explain things in detail that none of the characters would know, changing around to focus on different characters at different times.

The second type, is "personal" third person, which is like first person perspective in that it follows one character, and doesn't tell you things they wouldn't know.  However, it's still told with "he" and "him" instead of "I" and "me".

Make sense?

Anyways, your story seems interesting, but cutting down the scope just a little, and the named characters would feel more realistic (as has been mentioned).  Also, your first section is told in a "history book" style, describing the events in a very detatched manner, which can work for an introduction if you do it right, but I think this story would be more interesting if you told it all from a more personal third person perspective right from the start, especially since you don't want them to know things about the chaos forces until later in the story.  You can let them know only what your main characters discover, as they discover it.

"-That is all."

Yea, we learned about 3rd omniscient and the other..I don't recall well =-P  English, BAH!
I know this jumps around, and I'm not sure about how I'm going to tackle it neither...

We can call the first part a prologue or something. =-D
And I got the warning about the 30 day thing.. I think I might have to start writing this again, I want to get it finished soon. =-D

[Tauir - "The Shadow"]

Yes, and I would also like to see this finished.


Here's a chocolate cake for motivation. Now get working!