Topic: 'Still'- Anomie cycle.

[Onanon]

   +++++++++++++++


Everthing swayed and juddered in the red light. A tiny bead of sweat rolled down Kamina's eyebrow, down his cheek, following the curve of his jaw before dropping off his chin to the floor. The atmosphere was pressure cooker intense. He knew he couldn't take much more.

'You are!'

'I'm not!'

'You are! You're going to die!'

Everyone flinched a little in the Chimera.
'Daddy, tell me I'm not going to die...'

My daughters' childish plea spooked hardened soldiers.

Teeth were clenched, eyes were moist in dry and dirty faces. It felt like the end of a very long road. They all turned to me, the Sergeant, the Father. I looked to my four year old daughter. What could be said?

A hand tapped me on the shoulder. Makker, the driver, informed me of expected resistance while breaking through the siege around the space port. We had forty minutes. His eyes told me we would never make it, but his lips told me to ready my men for heavy fighting.

I stood up, and my voice rang in in the enclosed space.

'No love, you're not going to die today.'

I slammed a fresh powerpack into my lasgun. Everyone untensed a little, as if what the Father said counted for what the Sergeant said.

Every heartbeat drummed in Kamina's head. A cultist's scream went up from the ruined city streets, a wild keening cry that was taken up by a thousand voices, that even the throbbing engine of the Chimera struggled to block out. A few of the soldiers closed their eyes and made small muttered prayers. Lasguns were put to firing ports with a slow, heavy deliberation. Small arms fire from outside, well out of range, began to singe the slow air.

Kamina closed his eyes and took a breath.

His life focused down to the smallest pinprick of light in the blackness, a pure needle in a bleak universe. Autogun and botlerfire began pinging off all over the armour, guns chattering, light breaking from the multilaser and lasguns, into the darkness, never enough, never will be enough. His children and his wife, rest her soul. The men and women he'd lead and the ones now under command. Something heavy went off to the right, the Chimera bouncing from the blastwave. His oldest daughter cried out in the blackness. She needed him. They all needed him.

Kamina opened his eyes and exhaled.

We'd fight.

We'd make it through.

++++++END++++++

[Sir Sam Vimes]

Once again you've managed to write an exceptional story. I can't do anything other than congratulate you for such an achievement.

Although it's short, the setting and the mood are already from the beginning as they should be. I can sense the despair, fear and Kamina's determination throughout the entire story. I would really like to read more about this.

Well done.

[Death_Of_Achilles]

Absoloutly brilliant. I'm seriously very envious. Please look over my Story - Midlothian on this forum - and give me advice, because if I could write this well I'd be a happy bunny!

[Ukos Sa'cea Rienn]

Good job once again, No Love lost. You are, without a doubt, a very talented writer.

This story just radiates emotion and is very well written.

All the same, I noticed a couple little things that seemed out of place.

For one thing, you say "My daughters' childish argument spooked hardened soldiers.", but "Tell me I'm not going to die" isn't an argument. I think what you meant to say is something along the lines of "My daughters' childish request..." or "My daughters' childish plea..." But yeah, not a biggie but it kinda bothered me.

The only other thing that confused me bit was this: "There were 12 spaces. Most didn't have family, so they deferred the empty places to one of the girls." I'm not sure what exactly you meant by that. I can't really figure it out properly enough to make an educated guess, so if you could just explain that to me, that'd be awesome.

But yeah, once again you've put forward another brilliant piece of writing. I really don't understand how you can write so many good things so quickly while I struggle to come up with chapters for my story... Anyhow, good job and good luck to you!

-Ukos

[Onanon]

Once again you've managed to write an exceptional story. I can't do anything other than congratulate you for such an achievement.

Although it's short, the setting and the mood are already from the beginning as they should be. I can sense the despair, fear and Kamina's determination throughout the entire story. I would really like to read more about this.

Well done.

I wouldn't call it great, now. Small children are overused and this:

What could I say? That the planet I chose to settle on was corrupted from within by the evil of it's people, that every living thing on it would cease to exist within the next hour, that all the guns, men and tanks in the universe couldn't defeat the evil in the human soul? Of all the things I had seen while fighting for her survival? That even love and hope couldn't survive cyclonic torpedoes?

is way too sentimental.

Absoloutly brilliant. I'm seriously very envious. Please look over my Story - Midlothian on this forum - and give me advice, because if I could write this well I'd be a happy bunny!

Don't get too excited. The problem isn't getting ideas for me (i have another 12 for the Anomie cycle, 2 comics, 3 crossovers and a much longer spin off series, and from there I haven't even gone into the future of the Anomien Guard...) but finishing things. This was a quick test. I'll give it a look, yeah.

For one thing, you say "My daughters' childish argument spooked hardened soldiers.", but "Tell me I'm not going to die" isn't an argument. I think what you meant to say is something along the lines of "My daughters' childish request..." or "My daughters' childish plea..." But yeah, not a biggie but it kinda bothered me.

This:

'You are!'

'I'm not!'

'You are! You're going to die!'

is the argument in question. Small indigestible bits like that are a concern for me, because it impacts on the story as a whole.

The only other thing that confused me bit was this: "There were 12 spaces. Most didn't have family, so they deferred the empty places to one of the girls." I'm not sure what exactly you meant by that. I can't really figure it out properly enough to make an educated guess, so if you could just explain that to me, that'd be awesome.

A Chimera has 12 spaces, and can transport 12 models (or 6 Ogryn!) 'Deferred' means to kind of give up something out of respect. That's what it means in this context.

[Scope989]

swwet,
that was 1 of the best opening chapters ive readin a while.

keep it up,

hoping for the next post.

Scope