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Offline 2quiet

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Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« on: August 7, 2008, 10:05:10 PM »

EDIT: The latest reworking of this is in a reply below (the next kind of lengthy one from me).


Ok, well usually when I make army fluff I try to make it realistic and kind of general- something that could exist in obscurity in the 40k universe. I also don't usually take special characters which are widely seen (i.e. Eldrad). However, I have come to own one of the limited edition Eldar bonesinger models, so I thought this might licence me to use a special character. As such however, I wanted to make a suitable background to this character (and my army), so this is what I came up with. To me it seems somewhat over the top, but I keep reminding myself that it needs to be in order to be suitable for a character of Eldrads stature. Anyway, here it is:

     The Craftworld of Kyr Sysadai was once a part of the Craftworld Ulthwe, and was for a long time thought to be another group lost to the warp. During the extraction of an Exodite population from a planet, foreseen to be doomed by a Seer High-Councillor, the Ulthwe were realising the imminence of planetary destabilisation and inevitable consumption by the warp. This presented the Ulthwe with the dilemma of abandoning the rescue, both condemning more of the precious Eldar numbers, as well as valuable information the Exodites held of Chaos activity in the sector, or risk crippling the fleet in a warp rift that was ever growing, and dooming those who may escape to the will of the Chaos fleets nearby.
     It was at this time that Oshias, a bonesinger of Ulthwe, stepped forward, prepared to commit to a song that would manipulate the warp, slowing the expansion of the rift whilst the remainder of the fleet escaped with the Exodites. As the Seers considered this, Oshias stepped towards the rift, entering into his song. Immediately a connection was forged between the bonesinger and the warp, and the Seers recognised the sacrifice Oshias had made in committing himself to the fate of the warp.
The crisis was not at an end, however. As extraction continued and Oshias worked to delay the consumption of the planet, Feral Orks, disturbed by the commotion, emerged from the forests, ascending on the Eldar position. With Oshias’ attention on the warp the only thing keeping the planet alive, Autarch Bedi recognised the dire importance of his survival. Rallied by Oshias’ sacrifice, Bedi called upon the guardians to follow his charge on the orks, leading the mounted guardians on his own jetbike.
     As the remainder of the Ulthwe and the Exodites embarked their craft and took to orbit they watched back at the scene left behind. Back on the ground Bedi held off the Ork assault just long enough before he was slain, enabling the fleet’s escape. Oshias’ song then faded, allowing himself, along with the great number of guardians, a hand full of aspect warriors and indeed the planet itself, to be finally devoured by the warp.
     A great, whirling funnel of richest gold was the last thing that the Ulthwe saw as they took flight, the funnel rising far into the skies. This mysterious force, the spell of the great bonesinger, they call Kyr Sysadai, the “Golden Curtain”.


     For many years Oshias’ Kyr Sysadai was a wonderment to the Eldar, even being played out to the craftworlds by the Harlequin masques. The story told of the brilliance and bravery of the great bonesinger and those who followed in his martyrdom, allowing themselves to be destroyed by the warp. This was, until contact was once again made with Oshias and his followers.


     Rather than being destroyed within the Kyr Sysadai, Oshias had continued his contest with the warp, travelling through it until the group were alighted onto an Agri-world, confounded but unharmed. Without any means of communicating with anyone off-world, far less embarking on space travel, it would be a long time before the group would be able to leave the planet. Naturally seeking answers as to what had occurred, many of the Eldar, particularly the warlocks, sought Oshias. Their questions would not be answered anytime soon, however. The search for Oshias spanned almost an hour before, in a bundle of robes, a babe was found.


     The warlocks had formed a council the day the infant Oshias was found. They had since dedicated themselves to his rearing, awaiting the day he may be able to recall what had come before. In time a head of hair was growing upon his crown, a golden yellow, as it had been before his rebirth. Having built up autonomy, and relinquished their ties with the rest of the Ulthwe, it was decided that the guardians armour would be refashioned in yellow, in tribute to Oshias, and black, to pay homage to the Ulthwe.   
     As Oshias grew, his memory of his past life re-emerged to him slowly. It was not until he reached adolescence however that he was called upon to demonstrate his powers once more. Having had the fortune of prosperous peace, Oshias had only had to sing songs of construction. However inevitably this would change. The day of change came when, in mid morning, bright streaks appeared in the sky, and beyond the horizon descended something that put the Eldar on guard. The Council directed their forces into formation on the open grasslands, and insisted that Oshias, still young, remain safe behind the lines. Oshias agreed reluctantly, but left the chamber in which he was supposed to remain, taking up a position atop a cliff overlooking the grassland below.
     From this position Oshias was able to observe what was an Ork landing and subsequent assault. As the Green Tide poured over the horizon and into the Eldar lines, Oshias understood a control over the power he had felt since he was a child. Members of the Council, having become aware of his absence from the chamber, sought Oshias atop the cliff. Whilst Oshias’ powers were too undeveloped to be used in the conflict, he possessed foresight which he conveyed to the Council, who in turn relayed this to the Eldar force, ensuring that the Orks were finally pushed back.


     Called to the attention of an Ork landing on an uninhabited Agri-world, an Eldar fleet were shocked to find another Eldar population on world. Word quickly spread when the realisation was made that this was the formerly-Ulthwe band lead by the hero Oshias. With the combined aid of numerous alacritous craftworlds, Oshias’ band was able to establish itself as a craftworld in its own right, headed by Oshias and the Council. The guardians being golden yellow as they were, they were seen as the embodiment of Oshias’ Kyr Sysadai, and so the craftworld became so named.


     In times of most urgent need Oshias has again committed himself to rebirth, each time being reared by the Council, and each time this process is tuned and refined to unite all Oshias’ previous memories, and through them, previous power, as quickly as possible- however each time the process is gradual.

Thank you if you read all that. I'd really like to know what you think.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2008, 12:20:26 AM by 2quiet »
Some of my favorites:

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day- Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I lay in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose

If ther's something you can deffinetely rely on it's gotta be- oh, theres not

Offline Frostden

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Re: Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« Reply #1 on: August 8, 2008, 04:15:34 AM »
The writing itself is good, but a few of the core points don't quite work. Sorry, but this is going to sound critical.

Firstly, warp storms, being swallowed by the warp, being magically changed by the warp, being teleported by the warp, magic warp funnel, warp reincarnation etc etc aren't very interesting. That part of the story may as well read "Magic happened and then Oshias was powerful."
It is interesting to have them split from Ulthwe, and it is interesting to have them lead by a bonesinger. However, the split being due to random warp chance isn't interesting.
Perhaps the Oshias is trapped on the path of the bonesinger, as an exarch to his craft. It's easy to see any number of conflicts that could lead to a schism between him and Ulthwe. He has the audacity to sculpt from the forms of crystalised farseers, he uses too much of wraithbone for his own works, he stifles the work of others. He blebs off his own craftworld. He is left stranded on a blasted off chunk of eldar spaceship. Using his prodigious powers, he seals off the bulkheads. In a draining display of skill he gets the lifeless chunk space worthy, becoming trapped on his path in the process. Lots of non random, deliberate things. I was going to suggest "His work gets infected with chaos" or "He absorbes some of the dome of crystal seers", but then I stopped. Chaos infections = Random magic.

Your story is about a two pages long and has two heroic sacrifices. One of which wasn't a sacrifice, because he becomes more powerful. That's to be saved for Dragon Ball Z.

Lastly, you have an eldar being reincarnated. It's pretty deep in the fluff that eldar can't do that any more. It's also more of that not particularily interesting magic stuff that I talked about earlier.

But that's just my opinion. It is well written technically with a good base idea. Some of the plot points could be made more interesting, character driven, or meaningful.

Offline 2quiet

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Re: Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« Reply #2 on: August 8, 2008, 04:40:40 AM »
Thanks for that Frostden.

I agree that warp storm and all kind of seem like a quick fix- and in the end thats kind of what that came down to. See I wanted something which explained why he separated from Ulthwe, not just by himself, but with a whole chunk of willing followers (without being all excommunicated or having conflict with the Ulthwe). Also I liked how the sudden arival of the feral orks gave reason as to why my army would have many jetbikes (still being guardians, from Ulthwe, but being the fast ones, able to reach Oshias in time to help him).

Also the reincarnation was kind of....yeah, it wasn't originally going to be in there, but you see I have an interchangable head system for my bonesinger. One is a bare guardian head, slightly altered, the other is the helmetted head that came with the model. As I won't always be using the model using Eldrad rules, I wanted a way of justifying "oh yeah, Oshias is just a doomseer now, even though he was the galaxy's greatest psycher last game". Also the 'young' Oshias model looks like he is standing in the wind, overlooking- which was the inspiration for him being on top of the cliff and all. I included the reincarnation version because I wanted that commented on, as I'v always been a bit confused about the eldar spirit stone workings and all that.

Thank you for all your comments, I will take them onboard and think the wholse story over a bit more. If you have any ideas about how I can address the issues I raised above I'd really enjoy hearing them. Thanks a lot.
Some of my favorites:

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day- Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I lay in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose

If ther's something you can deffinetely rely on it's gotta be- oh, theres not

Offline Frostden

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Re: Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« Reply #3 on: August 8, 2008, 08:50:55 AM »
I'm glad I can be of some help, and I do enjoy being critical! Off the top of my head, there are a few ways you can deal with the two bonesinger models with different powers without eldar resurection:
One could be that the unhelmeted model is his apprentice. He would likely emulate his master in dress and manerisms, but having not yet earnt his own helm.
Or, the helm could be an artifact that augments his powers. It is incredibly draining, boosting him to eldrad like power at enormous personal risk. In himself he is unsure if he is more a coward for wearing it and sucumbing to it's power, or removing it and losing it's advantage (Whoops, went a bit spider man/venom there. Cursed cliches!).

As for eldar not being unable to reincarnate, there's two stories explain why they no longer which can seem a bit contradictory. One is that since they birthed Slaneesh, eldar souls are eaten when they die. Craftworld eldar avoid Slaneesh my storing their spirits in waystones, then the infinity circuits. Harlequin's souls belong to the laughing god. Dark eldar are protected by their city.
The other is that during the war in heaven, they lost the ability after a fight with the void dragon, a C'tan.

A way to peacibly split with Ulthwe with a sizable force and jetbikes...that's tricky. I would still avoid the warp being responsible while playing up the abilities of your bonesinger.
Your story can be altered very slightly to take some of the random magic out of it and play to the established fluff.
The orks are attacking, and the populace is being evacuated through a webway gate. The webway being what it is, the exit is unknown, and desperately hoped to be better than the ork infested hellhole they're leaving.
The jetbikes arrive to help.
Shock attack guns impact off the gate, attempting to prevent their escape.
Oshias steps up to the plate, and repairs the gate. Every shell and bolt striking it's structure wracks his body, driving him to his knees.
Just as the survivors escape, the gate collapses, reversing the warp portal and spewing out the golden curtain.

From here on in it continues as you wrote. For the most part it's the same as the story you presented. The only difference is that instead of falling back on warp based deus ex machina, it plays to the abilities of a bonesinger (manipulating wraithbone and an unreliable webway) rather than things the reader wont reckognise (songs that stop warp rifts and lucky teleportation).

This gives you more time to elaborate on things that the reader will engage with, like the atrocities commited by the orks and the cunning defensive manouvers of the eldar.

Offline 2quiet

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Re: Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2008, 07:38:31 AM »
Ok, I'v been reworking this when I'v had time. But I'v run into a problem-

How does a warp gate thingy work? Like, how is it "programmed" to go to a particular planet or whatever? Does anyone know?

Only I liked the idea of the warp gate Frostden gave, except that I wanted it to be opened firstly to a planned destination, unintentionally closed, and then re-opened with the "hoping its better than here" attitude, (or perhaps Oshias enetering it and somehow checking the eligibility of worlds from the other side?).

However with my lacking knowledge of the warp, I really don't know what of this is at all viable or anything.

Thanks for any help.
Some of my favorites:

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day- Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I lay in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose

If ther's something you can deffinetely rely on it's gotta be- oh, theres not

Offline Eldrad Fashan

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Re: Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2008, 08:38:17 PM »
I may be wrong about this, but its my understanding that the webway and even the warp to some degree is very similar to a city. To get to one place you may have to take many different roads and pass other destinations but they are all connected. It's not an A to B route its an A can go to B, C, D, or E route.

-Burns
Eldar:
Vs SM 10-0-1                Vs Tyranids 2-1           Vs Chaos 5-0
Vs IG  5-1                     Vs Tau 1-1                  Vs GK 3-0
Vs Blood Angles 2-0       Vs Necrons 1-0

Offline Gutstikk

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Re: Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« Reply #6 on: August 15, 2008, 07:25:37 AM »
Think of it sort of like a neural net. You enter the webway, you're in a corridor that opens on other corridors that lead to other places. The first corridor you enter may actually lead somewhere much farther away than the second corridor, and etc. Once the gates are formed it's my understanding that a particular gate only connects one part of the physical world with one part of the webway, but once in the webway you may have access to many many gates. These could be close together in the webway or could still require a lengthy voyage.

Also, you can click the link in my sig to go to an article focusing specifically with developing craftworld material. It has some links to some pretty good sources of info, and deals specifically with ways to flesh things out a bit.

Offline 2quiet

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Re: Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2008, 12:17:38 AM »
Thank you very much, I think I encorporated the way the webway worked- but do tell me if I'm wrong, cos I still don't feel completely comfortable with it. Anyway, this is it re-written, with the comments so far incorporated.

Kyr Sysadai

     The Craftworld of Kyr Sysadai was once a part of the Craftworld Ulthwe, and was for a long time thought to be another group lost to the warp. During the extraction of an Exodite population from a planet, foreseen to be doomed by a Seer High-Councillor, the Ulthwe were realising the imminence of planetary destabilisation and inevitable consumption by the warp. The Eldar had been evacuating the Exodites into orbit, to be escorted by their fleets to another suitable world. However with the swiftly escalating imminence of planetary razing, atmospheric entry was becoming steadily more risky. This presented the Ulthwe with the dilemma of abandoning the rescue, both condemning more of the precious Eldar numbers, as well as valuable information the Exodites held of Chaos activity in the sector, or risk crippling the fleet in a warp rift that was ever growing, and dooming those who may escape to the will of the Chaos fleets nearby.
     The Seers convened within the woods to discuss privately how they were to proceed. However in their desperate haste they failed to detect an extra within their midst. In the course of the conference the individual rose, causing commotion within the council as they realised for the first time the additional presence. The individual was Oshias, a bonesinger, and he introduced himself as such. Over the roar of surprise, anger, and simple confusion surrounding his presence, Oshias spoke on.
     He told of how the Seers should guide the Ulthwe fleet from the planet and sector, with what Exodites they already had. Before this, however, they should lend themselves to aiding Oshias and a handful of his bonesingers in constructing a warp gate to another world, from where he could lead the remaining Exodites to be extracted later. Although the seers were still wary of their being infiltrated by an unauthorised body, in light of the pressing situation and their having no other plan, they agreed amongst themselves that this was the best course of action. They left the wood to convey this to the craftworld.
     The crisis was not at an end with the establishment of a portal, however. As extraction continued, Feral Orks, disturbed by the commotion of the destabilisation, emerged from the forests, ascending on the Eldar position. Amassed in great numbers, a torrent of primitive fire hailed through Oshias’ group, downing some, but more importantly devastating the warp gate structure. Quickly Oshias responded, drawing on unprecedented skills, singing songs previously unheard, as to conserve and rebuild the warp gate.
     With Oshias’ attention on the warp gate the only thing providing the extraction of the Exodites any hope, Autarch Bedi recognised the dire importance of his survival. Rallied by Oshias’ valour, Bedi called upon the guardians to follow his charge on the orks, leading the fastest, those mounted on jetbikes, on that of his own. Units of guardians, and even some aspects, broke away from the Ulthwe lines embarking onto their crafts to take to orbit, instead joining Bedi’s  charge. Those who escorted the Exodites onboard watched back at the scene of Bedi’s assault. Falling back under immense numbers, Bedi held off the Ork assault just long enough before he was slain, enabling a great number more Exodites to escape through the gate.
     Oshias’ song then faded as the destabilisation became terrific, and the strength of the warp too great. As the earth quaked beneath them the warp gate flickered and died. With the warp gate closed, the remainder of the Eldar were stranded, falling back to the oppression of the orks. Having experienced his connection with the warp, Oshias was brought into a new understanding. He knew not how to control the warp, as the Ulthwe Farseers understood, in a predicable manner, but he was able to reopen it. And he did so with barely enough time.
     As the connection was reforged, the gate itself, wracked by ork shells, began to collapse. As it started to fall forwards, teetering slowly at first, Oshias surged towards it, leaping through. Once within the warp Oshias used his greatest song. Even he was unsure of its purpose, but he had foreseen himself singing it many-a-time. As he sang, visions came to Oshias, directing him through the warp, until he knew where he must lead his followers.
     As the warp gate fell those outside could do nothing but look up toward it. Knowing they would be easy prey to the far more numerous orks, they packed together to be underneath the warp gate as it fell, deciding to take their chances in following Oshias’ lead. As the warp gate enveloped them and hit the ground the planet gave in to its destruction, and was scorched dry of life. The efforts of those on the ground had given the Ulthwe just enough time to take to space.
     From low orbit the Ulthwe were still observing the ground scene. A great, whirling funnel of richest gold was the last thing that they, spewing forth from the gate high into the skies before the world was killed. This mysterious force, the spell of the great bonesinger, they call Kyr Sysadai, the “Golden Curtain”.

     For many years Oshias’ Kyr Sysadai was a wonderment to the Eldar, even being played out to the craftworlds by the Harlequin masques. The story told of the brilliance and bravery of the great bonesinger and those who followed in his martyrdom, allowing themselves to be destroyed by the warp. This was, until contact was once again made with Oshias and his followers.

     Oshias did lead his followers through the warp, finally alighting onto an Agri-world, the whereabouts of which they did not know. Without any means of communicating with anyone off-world, far less embarking on space travel, it would be a long time before the group would be able to leave the planet. Building up autonomy and relinquished their ties with the rest of the Ulthwe, it was decided that the guardians’ armour would be refashioned in yellow, in tribute to Oshias, who was easily identified by his golden hair, and black, to pay homage to the Ulthwe.
     Having had the fortune of prosperous peace, for a long time Oshias had only had to sing songs of construction, building up a strong and healthy society. Inevitably this would change, however. The day of change came when, in mid morning, bright streaks appeared in the sky, and beyond the horizon descended something that put the Eldar on guard. The Council directed their forces into formation on the open grasslands, and insisted that Oshias, still young and of such importance, remain safe behind the lines. Oshias agreed reluctantly, but left the chamber in which he was supposed to remain, taking up a position atop a cliff overlooking the grassland below.
     From this position Oshias was able to observe what was an Ork landing and subsequent assault. As the Green Tide poured over the horizon and into the Eldar lines,  Oshias embraced psychic powers he had been learning and practicing since their establishment on the world. His oversight and influence in the conflict ensured that the Orks were finally pushed back.

     Called to the attention of an Ork landing on an uninhabited Agri-world, an Eldar fleet were shocked to find another Eldar population on world. Word quickly spread when the realisation was made that this was the formerly-Ulthwe band lead by the hero Oshias. With the combined aid of numerous alacritous craftworlds, Oshias’ band was able to establish itself as a craftworld in its own right, headed by Oshias and the Council. The guardians being golden yellow as they were, they were seen as the embodiment of Oshias’ Kyr Sysadai, and so the craftworld became so named.



Well thats it. What do you think? Is this better than my first attempt? The only other thing I thought of, was if I went back to the first, with the whole baby Oshias, but instead of it being an actual reincarnation, it was simply a rewinding of time. I think I like this version though.

Thanks again for all the imput given.
Some of my favorites:

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day- Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I lay in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose

If ther's something you can deffinetely rely on it's gotta be- oh, theres not

Offline Gutstikk

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Re: Trying to make craftworld fluff....
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2008, 10:45:46 AM »
I think I like this version better too. The reincarnation thing is not entirely necessary in order to have the rest of the story function. The fact that it is absent and the story still stands speaks to this.

 


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