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Author Topic: The new Imperial Codex is coming! (Funny)  (Read 340 times)

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Offline Mozi

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The new Imperial Codex is coming! (Funny)
« on: May 11, 2004, 11:11:17 AM »
 Hello all,

  After the release of the Codex: Witchhunters and the upcoming Xenos hunters, my brother thought that it would be appropriate to start taking the piss out of GW and their perverted fondness andinterest they show to anything Imperial.

  If you are a fanatical follower of the emperor you might find this offending, just ignore it! So you are warned.

  Ok here it goes.....prepare yourself for  Lord Istuhard of the Ordo Unfairiqous


Quote
Lord Commander Istuhard of the Ordo Unfairiqous

When the Ordo Malleus, Ordo Hereticus and Ordo Xenos were assembled everything seemed to be in order. Mankind had nothing to fear from that trio of dreadful danger. While the Ordo Malleus pummelled into the next non-daemon army they could find (simply because bureaucracy is really crap in the 41st millennia. Imperial citizens ask for baby sitter services when they want their plumbing fixed.), the Ordo Xenos would go and close the gaps the Ordo Malleus left. Then the Ordo Hereticus would pop up and make everybody’s job impossible by calling their allied Orders witches simply because they had the tendency of being idle under a full moon (Any moon in the galaxy would do, so the Ecclesiarch could bust the balls of everybody at any given time – splendid!). In the meantime one hundred space marine chapters of one thousand battle brothers each, would stay in their adamantium fortresses polishing power armour and wondering why the hell the Imperium ever bothered founding them.

      However it was at this point that the immortal, holy and everlasting emperor of mankind realised his mistake. Although mankind had a stalwart defence against the demons of the warp, the aliens of the Hive mind and the heretics of the Imperium, they were absolutely defenceless against a potential extra dimensional threat of 9 foot tall, chain axe wielding half cows- half flies.


   When the message was sent across the Imperium there was an outrage. Imperial citizens realised that they were in a dearer danger than ever. As the Imperial guard regiments prayed to the Emperor for salvation against this potential danger, and the Ordo Hereticus argued that such creatures would be too hard in close combat for them to be classed as witches, the Space Marine chapters gathered in a union, so that they could fight for their rights of being the sole protectors of mankind (Of course, such an action was deemed highly communistic and so the Ordo Hereticus set off on a crusade to eliminate the communist bastard witches!)
As every grot in the galaxy knows, 9 foot tall half cows- half flies have devastating mind control abilities. For this reason the emperor wanted an order that would be immune to such a power, but at the same time be able to fight off any mind controlled minions of the 9 foot tall half cows- half flies (which we will call Johnny from now on, as 9 foot tall half cows- half flies is a terribly lame name for such a vicious foe).
The Adeptus Mechanicus spent years of research, in an attempt to find the best way to fight such a threat. Never before had the Imperium faced such a terrible enemy, with so many and diverse powers. In the end they came with the greatest idea ever. One that was never thought of before, in a multitude of galaxies. One that was definitely not imagined by any single soul in the Imperium. THE ORDO UNFAIRIQOUS!
The Ordo Unfairiqous was unique in one single aspect. Its members were so skilled and well trained (And we don’t mean well trained and skilled as the Ordo Malleus, we mean really really really skilled and trained – seriously.) that they could face any horror the Johnnies were able to throw at them. From the lowly (mind controlled) Greater Daemons of Khorne, to the mighty and all powerful (mind controlled) Grey Knight terminators of the Ordo Malleus (However we expect half the Imperium to be immune to mind controlling abilities straight after the release of Codex: Johnny).

    But, the Adeptus Mechanicus had learned one important lesson after millennia of making devices to wage war. The might of any army cannot match the potentially devastating determination, strength and durability of a single hero. And so the Ordo Unfairiqous consisted of just one man. A man that would protect mankind and the holy emperor until the end of time. Lord Commander Istuhard.



....to be continues in the next post.

simply because it so damn long!


« Last Edit: May 11, 2004, 11:19:48 AM by Mozi »
Oh father of the four winds fill my sails,
     across the sea of years.
 With no provisions but an open trail,
     along the straits of fear.

Offline Mozi

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Re: The new Imperial Codex is coming! (Funny)
« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2004, 11:12:30 AM »
The second part describes the special character and his special rules....

Quote
Lord Commander Istuhard

Special character: Lord Commander Istuhard is a special character, and can only be used if the player who wants to use him, really really wants to (we mean really really really want to, anything else will not do). If the enemy player has any objections then he will officially be called a beardie, cheesie and lousy player. Such is the price of defying the prowess of Lord Istuhard and the Ordo Unfairiqous. He counts as an HQ choice, but if you have used up all your HQ slots, then he takes up one of your Elites choices instead. If the Elites choices are all used up as well, then repeat that for Troops, Heavy support and Fast attack. In the unlikely event of having used up all your choices then the use him anyway and don’t worry about slots.

Point cost: 98
WS   BS   S   T   W   I   A   Ld   Sv
9   9   5   5   4   6   5   14   0+

Weapons and equipment: Eroicous Holy armour of the Unfairiqous, Battle cannon pistol, Claw of Boom-Boom, Amulet of the Curses, Imperial Reliquae of mighty prowess, Four clover leaf amulet, frag and krak grenades(They might come in handy.).

SPECIAL RULES


Fearless: Well, what did you expect?

The spirit within: Lord Istuhard is the most spiritually gifted individual in the entire universe after the emperor (In case you were wondering, Mephisto of the Blood angels comes second, then comes Saint Celestine, and then all the characters of the three Ordos and all the Space marine chapters, including veteran sergeants. Eldar psykers and Chaos sorcerers come in places 3,456 and 3,457 respectively). For this reason when he loses his last wound, instead of removing the model from the table, deploy a 3,000 point Space marine army that unexpectedly comes for his aid. Lord Istuhard himself is redeployed with the rest of the army with his full wounds (The emperor refreshes his life force). If you have insufficient models for that Space marine army, you might as well force your opponent to concede his defeat in the hands of the almighty Imperium and call it a day.

Expert martial artist: During his training the Imperium hired the best martial artists from the Eastern lands of Terra to teach him the secrets of killing with your bare hands. Ancient martial artists, dead for millennia, were brought back to life in order to teach Lord Istuhard these secrets (Unfortunately this knowledge was lost forever shortly after the completion of his training as the Ordo Hereticus proclaimed these abominations witches as their eyes were far too weird). For this reason Lord Istuhard always wounds his opponents on a roll of 2+. If a 1 is rolled then something has gone terribly wrong. Re-roll that die until you get a 2 or more.

Defies daemons: Although Istuhard fights his enemies honourably, he just cannot control his righteous fury when he faces daemons. But not all daemons. Just those heretic, foul, unholy, poo-poo eating scum that dare have a weapon skill equal or greater than his. For this reason, when Lord Istuhard fights against the Avatar or a Bloodthirster, he will score a hit on a roll of 3+.

Looks good: Apart from being a hard-as-nails protector of the Imperium, Lord Istuhard also looks dead good! He can make any female fall in love with him on a roll of 2+. If the roll fails then you probably rolled an unfair, loaded die, so re-roll until Istuhard gets the chick. Note that the best way to use this ability is before the battle so that the chick can watch in awe how Lord Istuhard beats the crap out of his unworthy enemies, and cheer for him shouting “Oh Istuhard! You are so brave!”. Then you should reply (preferably with an impersonation of Batman’s voice) “I know baby, but I just have to live day by day.”, or some other hero-like line.

What the heck: In the unlikely event that it is apparent that your opponent is going to win the scenario due to the unfair victory point and objective rules of the game, then roll a die. On a roll of 1-3 Nothing comes. On a roll of 4 or more, you are allowed to say “What the heck…” and then employ a long object (a broom would do nicely) and sweep your opponent’s army off the table. If he/she still wins the game with no models on the table, then you are allowed to jump up and down on his models (obviously trashing them in the process) so that he will learn from his mistake and never do it again.

Nothing: Nothing is a friend of mine who is 400 pounds and 8 feet tall. He really hates those beardie, cheese-loaded armies who play and win against armies of the Imperium, and so will promptly beat the hell out of such a tactically incapable, lucky, Rhino-less army owning player.

ARMOURY

Eroicous Holy armour of the Unfairiqous: This holy suit of armour was constructed by the finest material and craftsmen of the Imperium. It is said to be older than the emperor himself, and as everybody knows, they knew how to make things in those days. This suit of armour allows Lord Istuhard to Deep strike, and also works as a jump pack but with a movement of 24” instead of mere 12”. Furthermore the wings on the suit of armour are perfect for glide charge attacks, so Lord Istuhard can charge 24” in the assault phase. Oh yeah it also confers a 0+ save, and a 2+ invulnerable save.

Battle cannon pistol: This pistol is a slightly converted bolt pistol that fires battle cannon rounds instead of normal bolts. However as this potent weapon was built by the best of the Adeptus Mechanicus, it is slightly better than a normal Tremultuous O Imperial Guard battle cannon. Note that when used with the claw of Boom-Boom it confers a +1 attack that is not included in Lord Istuhard’s profile.

         Range   Strength   AP   Type    Notes   

Battle Cannon pistol  72”      9              1       Pistol      Ordnance blast


Claw of Boom-Boom: This potent artefact is the pinnacle of combat equipment in 41millenia of war. It can be used as power fist that strikes in initiative order. However such is the determination of Lord Istuhard that if it happens that any models in base contact or any supporting models have an equal or higher initiative than him, then he will strike before them because they shouldn’t have a higher initiative in the first place (the same applies for howling banshees and their birdie masks). Furthermore it can be fired in the shooting face which then counts as heavy bolter and missile launcher together. Fortunately for the Imperial player the servo support system of the Claw of Boom-Boom is so advanced that Lord Istuhard can fire those weapons on the move, essentially making them assault weapons instead of heavy. Last but not least a giant fly killer is attached to the claw that counts as a power weapon (Everybody knows that fly killers are excellent at penetrating armour, especially when used by the righteous orders of the empire).

Amulet of the Curses: The last gift granted to Lord Istuhard by the emperor was probably the most important. The Emperor foresaw that the opponents of Istuhard would definitely employ curses against the Lord Commander of the Ordo Unfairiqous, simply because his special rules would render them unable to do anything else. Any curse thrown at the model of Istuhard or the player owning him (or the model sculptors and Games Workshop for that matter) is thrown back at the person who employed that curse.

Imperial Reliquae of mighty prowess: This holy artefact protects Lord Istuhard from the worst of attacks. After looking up on the Warhammer 40,000 rulebook, all the codexes and the chapter approved articles, the Adeptus Mechanicus found out that there are abilities that can eliminate and/or disable Lord Istuhard for a turn or even the entire game. The Imperial Reliquae of mighty prowess is a headband that protects from all these birdie attacks and abilites. Lord Istuhard is immune to death caused by anything that does not allow an armour save, leadership test or other defensive measure. In the case of a tank shock, the tank is destroyed and blown to bits instead, as it runs into the well built body of Lord Istuhard. In the case of Eldar Allaitoc pathfinders and rangers, the result on the disruption table is applied to the Eldar army instead. This represents the fact that Games Workshop doesn’t like birdie Eldar players who wish to ruin the well coordinated battle plans of Imperial players who are under 12 years old.

Four clover leaf amulet: On his way to a holy crusade against some Johnnies, Lord Istuhard came upon a Leprechaun. The Leprechaun was homosexual, so accidentally suffered from Lord Istuhard’s “Looks good” rule. After he fell in love with him he gave him a gift. A four leaf clover that would bring luck in his darkest hour. This is a one use item. Use it when you don’t like a die roll. Any die roll will do, even an opponent’s die roll, in his turn. Reroll that die until it comes with a result you are pleased with. After you have used the item, the Leprechaun appears again, and gives Lord Istuhard another four leaf clover. If your opponents makes a joke about the Leprechaun being an active Homosexual then the “What the heck” rule applies.


Written by Spyros Kypriotis
(aka Kodopitharos)
« Last Edit: May 11, 2004, 11:19:06 AM by Mozi »
Oh father of the four winds fill my sails,
     across the sea of years.
 With no provisions but an open trail,
     along the straits of fear.

Offline Uzzy

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Re: The new Imperial Codex is coming! (Funny)
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2004, 11:26:03 AM »
Wow, hahaha.  :D

You ever thought why GW show interest in the Imperium. Because they are the human factor in the 40k Universe. And guess what peeps, we are humans as well.  'Gasp'  :o

You know, I do hope GW do something with the Eldar Codex, namely put a limit on the amount of starcannons in a army. Being starcannon raped is on of the cheesiest things ive seen in this game.

Other then that, good work!

Offline Moonsinger

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Re: The new Imperial Codex is coming! (Funny)
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2004, 11:29:41 AM »
Save this nonsense for the space tavern.
Dwarf Females <3
Priapism is considered a medical emergency, which should receive proper treatment by qualified medical people

Offline Arcas

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Re: The new Imperial Codex is coming! (Funny)
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2004, 11:38:24 AM »
I.e. please post it there again. We'd move it but due to some software glitch this is not possible right now.

jwu

 


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