Hello all,
After the release of the Codex: Witchhunters and the upcoming Xenos hunters, my brother thought that it would be appropriate to start taking the piss out of GW and their perverted fondness andinterest they show to anything Imperial.
If you are a fanatical follower of the emperor you might find this offending, just ignore it! So you are warned.
Ok here it goes.....prepare yourself for Lord Istuhard of the Ordo Unfairiqous
Lord Commander Istuhard of the Ordo Unfairiqous
When the Ordo Malleus, Ordo Hereticus and Ordo Xenos were assembled everything seemed to be in order. Mankind had nothing to fear from that trio of dreadful danger. While the Ordo Malleus pummelled into the next non-daemon army they could find (simply because bureaucracy is really crap in the 41st millennia. Imperial citizens ask for baby sitter services when they want their plumbing fixed.), the Ordo Xenos would go and close the gaps the Ordo Malleus left. Then the Ordo Hereticus would pop up and make everybody’s job impossible by calling their allied Orders witches simply because they had the tendency of being idle under a full moon (Any moon in the galaxy would do, so the Ecclesiarch could bust the balls of everybody at any given time – splendid!). In the meantime one hundred space marine chapters of one thousand battle brothers each, would stay in their adamantium fortresses polishing power armour and wondering why the hell the Imperium ever bothered founding them.
However it was at this point that the immortal, holy and everlasting emperor of mankind realised his mistake. Although mankind had a stalwart defence against the demons of the warp, the aliens of the Hive mind and the heretics of the Imperium, they were absolutely defenceless against a potential extra dimensional threat of 9 foot tall, chain axe wielding half cows- half flies.
When the message was sent across the Imperium there was an outrage. Imperial citizens realised that they were in a dearer danger than ever. As the Imperial guard regiments prayed to the Emperor for salvation against this potential danger, and the Ordo Hereticus argued that such creatures would be too hard in close combat for them to be classed as witches, the Space Marine chapters gathered in a union, so that they could fight for their rights of being the sole protectors of mankind (Of course, such an action was deemed highly communistic and so the Ordo Hereticus set off on a crusade to eliminate the communist bastard witches!)
As every grot in the galaxy knows, 9 foot tall half cows- half flies have devastating mind control abilities. For this reason the emperor wanted an order that would be immune to such a power, but at the same time be able to fight off any mind controlled minions of the 9 foot tall half cows- half flies (which we will call Johnny from now on, as 9 foot tall half cows- half flies is a terribly lame name for such a vicious foe).
The Adeptus Mechanicus spent years of research, in an attempt to find the best way to fight such a threat. Never before had the Imperium faced such a terrible enemy, with so many and diverse powers. In the end they came with the greatest idea ever. One that was never thought of before, in a multitude of galaxies. One that was definitely not imagined by any single soul in the Imperium. THE ORDO UNFAIRIQOUS!
The Ordo Unfairiqous was unique in one single aspect. Its members were so skilled and well trained (And we don’t mean well trained and skilled as the Ordo Malleus, we mean really really really skilled and trained – seriously.) that they could face any horror the Johnnies were able to throw at them. From the lowly (mind controlled) Greater Daemons of Khorne, to the mighty and all powerful (mind controlled) Grey Knight terminators of the Ordo Malleus (However we expect half the Imperium to be immune to mind controlling abilities straight after the release of Codex: Johnny).
But, the Adeptus Mechanicus had learned one important lesson after millennia of making devices to wage war. The might of any army cannot match the potentially devastating determination, strength and durability of a single hero. And so the Ordo Unfairiqous consisted of just one man. A man that would protect mankind and the holy emperor until the end of time. Lord Commander Istuhard.
....to be continues in the next post.
simply because it so damn long!