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Main => Art & Fiction => Topic started by: Myen'Tal on April 4, 2018, 09:49:00 PM

Title: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
Post by: Myen'Tal on April 4, 2018, 09:49:00 PM
All critique and feedback welcomed ;D.


The Nocturnal Phantasma
The Cast List

Sept World:
Vior’la

Local System: Rash’var

Colonial Worlds: Kuo’nar’va

Development Stage: Developed Colony / Stronghold

Kavaal: The Luminary Combine

Notable Tio’ve (Contingent): Mont’yr’Yanoi’Kuo’nar (Blooded Moon of Kuo’nar)

High Commander: Vior’la’Shas’O’Var’Shi (Commander of Vior’la Brightsword of Victory)

Ethereal:
Aun’El’T’au’Endo’J’karra (Ethereal of Tau Sept Enduring Mirror)

Noted Cadres:

   Kuo’nar’va’Yanoi’Run’al’Shas’la’Shas’Del (Greater Kuo’nar Moon of Fire Caste outpost Fire Dawn)

   Commander: Vior’la’kuo’nar’va’Shas’O’Cho’J’karra (Sept World Vior’la and Greater Kuo’nar Commander Splintered Mirror)

   Vior’la’Shas’la’Kau’ui’Shovah’Skether’quan (Hot Blooded Fire Caste Cadre of the Farsighted Messengers)

   Commander: Vior’la’Shas’O’Kais’Finor (Sept Vior’la Commander Skilled Marksmen)

   Vior’la’Shas’la’Kau’ui’Va’Mesme’Shas (Hot Blooded Fire Caste Cadre of the Greater Combination of Fire)

   Commander: Vior’la’Shas’O’Var’Shi (Commander of Vior’la Brightsword of Victory)

   Sa’cea’Shas’la’Kau’ui’Ko’vash’Lhas’rhen’na (Sept Sa’cea Fire Caste Cadre of the Worthy Cause of Noble Sacrifice)

   Commander: Sa’cea’Shas’O’Va’Ukos (Sept Sa’cea Commander Greater Spoon)

Noted Heroes:


KV128 Stormsurge: The Twin Suns - D’Nanoi

KV8 Crisis Suit Pilots: Shas’Vre’Del’Tokai, Shas’Vre’Shanu’Auval, Shas’Vre’Se’Cho’Noh, Shas’Vre’Yen’Shi

(Hero Destined Hawk, Hero Guardian of Paradise, Hero Unsung Ghost of Enigma, Hero Disciple of Victory)

KV104Riptides:

Shas’El’Tau’Unar, Shas’El’J’harra’Ranyr, Shas’El’Vaal’Yanoi
(Noble Good Mind, Noble Glass Cannon, Noble Lone Moon)

Pathfinder Teams:

Shas’ui He’ra’Is, Shas’la’Kesh’Anuk, Shas’la’Juntas’Ka, Shas’la’Law’Li, Shas’la’N’Myr,
Shas’la’Soo’Sho, Shas’la’U’Tyr

Fire Warrior Strike Teams:

Shas’ui’Es’Tau, Shas’la’D’Der’val, Shas’la’Ko’oi, Shas’la’Yr’Vah, Shas’la’Ur’Law,
Shas’la’Ta’Vayan, Shas’la’T’Sha, Shas’la’Len’Li, Shas’la’Mon’Lasa, Shas’la’Kai’Elsy

Kabal of the Dying Sun

Superior: Superior Dracon Qann-Dross the Veiled One

Lesser Vassal Kabal: The Nocturnal Phantasma

Commanded by: Dracon Immyrim Qorvo

Second in Command:

Dracon Vasyr Suron

Qorvite Sisters (True Born):

Asyph Qorvo, Sirendia Qorvo, Xann’Dywn Qorvo, Yenneph Qorvo, Kaannir Qorvo

Noted Kabalite Warriors:

Surkeir, Quindiresh, Zaaroth, Wydrioth, Innesir, Ennuieth, Aehirbryth, Kanthir

Brethren of the Esoteric Oblivion: (Incubus Shrine)

Qarron, Drothun, Ulnnyar

Noted Scourge Band:

Chaunduin, Jehir’kith, Lorisyn, Thubalion, Vonn-Nhilus

Cult of the Infernal Brand (Wych Cult):

Ferun-ba Death-rain, Rekyr Venom-Born, Ashanth the Decadent Disciple, Ninnyrmir Skull-Flayer, Qewayn Shadow-Sheaver, Jachu the Deceiver, Zarynth Void-Siren, Thorexi Slaughter-Keeper, Henluin the Mistress of Knives, Qarbith the Slaver

Coven of the Splintered Eye (Haemonculus Covens):

Noted Haemonculus

Master Xanothoch Twelvth-Born

Pharoh-Jinn the Hexed One

Zarxolib the Moulder

Noted Grotesques:

The Aberration of Old Incanth

The Elder Hex

Noted Wracks:

Huth, Qir, Goz, Keth, Lug, Tet, Opha, Dum, Zeph, Dagon

Noted Vehicles:

Witch Shredder (Talos Pain Engine)

Crackle-Skitter (Talos Pain Engine)

Haywired Disentegrator (Talos Pain Engine)

Atrophic Siren (Chronos Pain Engine)

Brain-Leecher (Chronos Pain Engine)

Kiss of Decadence (Tantalus Grav-Ship and Flagship of the Nocturnal Phantasma)

Phalanx Cerberus (Ravager Squad)

Phalanx Hydra (Ravager Squad)

Phalanx Kraken (Ravager Squad)

The Poisoned Flock Flotilla (Razorwing Jetfighter squad)

The Murder of Razor Wings Flotilla (Razorwing Jetfighter Squad)

Death’s Knell Flotilla (Void Raven Bomber Flotilla)


~~~~~~~~**********~~~~~~~~
Cast List Provided For Future Public Reference
~~~~~~~~*********~~~~~~~~
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on April 5, 2018, 11:14:14 PM
Prologue
Sun-Bane


Colony of Aloh’Fio (Cold Earth)
Localized Planet Tau’cyr (year): 121 After Initial Settlement
Kai’rotaa (month): 5.5, near end of Tau’cyr
Rotaa (Day): Day of the Incomparable Hunter
Dec (Hour): 1200 Rai’kor (minutes), noon


A harsh wind sailed from out of the narrow pass of the J’karra Mountains and battered T’sha from his reverie. A numb chill wormed its blackened tendrils into the core of his mind and brushed his reminiscent thoughts aside as if they were nothing more than discarded data on a clean slate.

   Young T’sha gazed out into the bleak and desolate highland under siege from nature’s most dire season. For a brief moment, he longed for the autumn forests of Eir’Eio’Kio, her bountiful rivers, and sparse colonies that glistened beneath a cloudless sky. A handful of Kai’rotaa had passed since he had been whisked away from the equator belt, but the long months felt more like a full Tay’cyr in this frozen hell.   

   A young T’au male of fourteen Tau’cyr stood alone upon a great hill in the highlands. Dense trenches of lush snow crowded around the leggings of T’sha’s regal hunter attire until his limbs felt like pincushions for a thousand needles. A sleek Kasa hat shielded him from the wind, but served another, more personal purpose in that it hid the lack of a braid in T’sha’s hair to mark him as a hunter.

   T’sha lifted his head and ignored the frozen chill that numbed him to the very soul. Keen coal black eyes stared into the true face of Aloh’Fio, rocky hills burdened in thick layers of ice and snow. If the vegetation had proven rare in the midst of autumn, then the change of seasons had eradicated what remained. The J’karra Mountains reached their fractured and blunted fingers entire Tor’kan into the sky and shone a rich cobalt in the wan light of the midday sun.

   Home was not here, T’sha reminded himself, but he would see it again soon when he returned, triumphant. An anxious feeling made him feel more out of place in the frozen north than perhaps he should have been. He had spent ten full Tau’cyr out of fourteen in training to become a hunter of the Fire Caste. A shamed piece of him wanted him to march out into the waste as if Eir’Eio’Kio glimmered in the distance.

   But then T’sha knew that there would be no return to hearth nor academy. T’Eldi had whispered stories of such individuals who failed their trials, swept away by the Aun like so much disposed wastes, never to be seen again.

   A light rain of sleet and snow peppered T’sha from where he kept vigil on the hillside. A shroud of mist crawled over the rocky hills on the horizon and crept ever closer to his position. T’sha scanned the environment in several thorough passes, but he could find no sign of his quarry.

   “T’sha.” An iron grip found T’sha’s shoulder and he startled, snapped out of the snare of his own thoughts. The youth glanced behind him with a chastised look into familiar coal black eyes, but framed in the face of his father. “Snap out of it. The cold hasn’t taken root in you yet.”

   An elder T’au male loomed over his son with a disgruntled look, but patience nestled in the crooks and crevices of his weathered cobalt skin. Serene by some notion of inner peace, T’Eldi cupped the spear clutched in his son’s fists. He pushed the weapon upward until T’sha held it over his chest.

   Satisfied, T’Eldi nodded.

   “T’sha,” T’Eldi searched the highlands where T’sha had scoured by sight. “You wish to be a part of the Fire Caste?”

   “No other dream would please me more.” T’sha snapped the spear straight, planted it into the snow, and stood at attention. “I shall do my part for the Empire no matter the cost.”

   “Good.” T’Eldi did not remove his gaze from the countryside. A frost-bitten breath escaped his lips. “For the Ethereals will demand everything from you, T’sha. They will demand all that lies within you, mind, body, and spirit. You must not waver in their eyes. You must not hesitate anymore.”

   An invisible stone caught in T’Eldi’s throat. “You… you understand what happens to the young dreamers like you who hesitate?”

   A bead of sweat formed on T’sha’s brow and trickled down his cheek and neck. He nodded without a word.

   “Mark, my words, T’sha,” T’Eldi swept forward in one fluid movement, as if snow and ice did not burden him at all. The long spear in his hand thrust forward with great precision into an imagined foe. He kept the stance for a long moment and spared his son a quick glance. “You are strong, my son. You can accomplish your mission and any tasks the Ethereals set before you.

“You shall live to be old, but remain stronger still, in heart and spirit if not in body. Earn yourself a mate and have many offspring. Teach them to become as you are, for the Empire shall need them as they need you now.

“I do not doubt. You must not doubt, for there is no room for hesitance. Strike first and true, and should you fall before you can make the killing blow, then you shall have done all that your Empire has asked of you. But you shall not fail, not here. Go on, be the Mont’Ka.”

   A frozen wind hammered them from nowhere, T’sha shivered, but T’Eldi merely lowered his spear and bore the cold as if he could no longer feel it. The father urged his son on with another stoic nod and watched with patience.

   “Be the Mont’Ka…” T’sha expelled a frosty breath before he turned away from his father. As if banished into the frozen wastes, T’sha plunged forward into the snow and sleet until T’Eldi became a speck in the storm, nigh-indiscernible. “Be the ‘Killing Blow’.
   
T’sha climbed over rock-littered hills and descended into minor pieces of flatland carved into the landscape around him. An ache in his limbs made them feel like lead welded into his joints. He pressed on and ignored the needles the winter stabbed into him. An urge to sleep glimmered on the horizon of his thoughts, but at those times T’sha would force himself to run to ward off the cold.

   A familiar scent in the tundra air surged into T’sha’s nostrils, stronger than ever. A scent of a hundred hunts fought in the forests around Eir’Eio’Kio. A scent of dead beasts and a familiar hunter triumphant over their scattered corpses. A scent of hunters’ eviscerated entrails left scattered in the lush forest soil. The failed ones, of whom the civilians of Aloh’Fio were forbidden to mention.
   
T’sha came to a halt behind the crest of a large hill, embedded with a massive boulder weathered into the shape of a great finger upon its peak. Deafened from the howl of the wind, he trained his hearing as he had always done for any sign of disturbance nearby. He did not strain or struggle, but remained calm and dead silent and listened for a break in the wind.

   T’sha concentrated and forced his heart rate to a calmer pulse. “The Killing Blow… can only be landed once.”

   T’sha cut a crescent through the snow, even as he thrust toward his left with practiced precision. A gurgling wet growl, nigh-silent in the wind, followed him over the hillside, louder and louder until it resonated within his skull. He drew first-blood from the creature where the spear stabbed into the mighty feline’s chest. But the attempt proved faulted as thickened slabs of bone turned the simple weapon aside.

   A beast of storm-grey fur, spotted with cobalt and scarred from head-to-toe by the scars of its rival kin, assaulted T’sha. A mighty six-clawed paw, glistening with lengthy razor-sharp talons, sliced through wind, snow, and sleet like a sharpened honored blade through flesh. The young T’au could not escape the lightning strike and reeled from six cuts etched across his furs and chest from the feline’s paw.

   The force threw T’sha into the snow upon his left flank, where he landed with a soft and silent crunch. A maw of two great fangs that gleamed like polished metal and a hundred lesser teeth yawned open as the great beast went for T’sha’s throat. The T’au hunter rolled onto his back and caught the beast in its open maw with a powerful thrust.

   T’sha fought back onto his feet as the beast recoiled onto its hind haunches and scampered backward, not from pain, but from caution. Blood scarcely trickled from the creature’s mouth before it whipped out a razor sharp, two-pronged tail that cut toward him without warning. T’sha rolled beneath the razor strike and emerged out of the snow with a furious stab toward the beast’s underbelly.

   The feline shirked away from the attack and countered with a powerful pounce meant to pin T’sha beneath its unbearable weight and rending claws. Tsssk… A familiar whine had built in his ears for several brief moments and T’sha cast the Photon Grenade from his numbed fingers into the air between them.

   An explosion of super-heated energy vented into the cold blossomed with such blinding light that T’sha could scarcely protect himself with either arm or spear. But he heard the beast cry out in blind fear, struck in the vision as well as spirit. His blurred vision hazed and burning, T’sha charged forward and tackled into the beast with a tsunami of stabbing blows.

   Impaired, T’sha stabbed even as he felt out the creature with his free hand, even as the mighty beast before him wandered and stumbled blindly amid the rock-strewn hills of the highlands. Each blow could scarcely scratch the creature, the bone slabs which formed its backbone too strong for a simple spear to pierce. Frustrated, T’sha answered with a reckless hacking blow across the blur of fur and metallic teeth without much thought placed in the attack.

   T’sha felt the beast lunge for him, all rank breath and blood-flecked teeth. The young hunter recoiled from the beast as he swept his spear too wide of the mark. Out of instinct more than anything else, T’sha followed his training without thought and followed up with a reverse strike.

He thrust for the creature’s exposed gullet even as it closed around him and near tore the furs from his body. Once more, the spear flew wide, but earned a panicked howl of unrestrained agony. T’sha did not hesitate, he pushed his weight onto the spear and drove it through the jelly-like contents of the beast’s destroyed eye.

T’sha may have struck true, but the creature would never die from the blow. He pushed forward and upward until the feline creature reared up on its hind legs, talon-paws striking futilely through the frost-bitten air. T’sha pushed the creature backward until the beast caught a foot upon a great rock and lost her footing.

T’sha tore his spear loose even as the feline clattered off of the peak of the great hill. The work behind the kill was no longer his own, but the sharpened and jagged rocks that smashed the creature from one fatal precipice to the next, until a mess of gore-matted fur tumbled to a rest at the bottom of the hill.

T’sha shook away the last vestiges of vision impairment and gazed down upon the kill with an air of suspended disbelief. The feline beast still thrashed and writhed, but it would not stir from the bloody winter grave it had carved out for itself. T’sha felt the bite of winter cold more keenly than ever and sucked in a deep breath as his wounds flared up in his chest.

A great pelt of fur fell from out of the aether and squarely upon T’sha’s shoulders until it cloaked his body. Startled, T’sha whirled around, spear in hand, but the weapon was halted by an iron-clad grip of another T’au that he did not recognize. A mid-aged T’au clad in sleek and pristine Combat Armor painted to a glassy ruby-like polish, segmented with splashes of cold metallic white, towered over him and held his gaze.

The Shas’la wielded no pulse weapon in either hand, but a mere shortened blade, sheathed in a thick scabbard. He gazed down upon T’sha with an undisguised expression both proud and impressed. Upon his shaven head was a lengthy braid that betrayed his seniority in the Shas, the Fire Caste.

His stern gaze never drifted from T’sha even as he snapped off a number of commands to his subordinates who emerged from out of the storm. One of them, a young T’au female, crowded around the boy and shooed off her commander, then began to look over T’sha’s wounds. Other Shas’la crested the hill and moved in to study and mercifully end the beast that he had triumphed over.

Scatter-minded, T’sha found himself drawn from one emotion to the next. He was proud, relieved, joyous, and puzzled in equal measure, but each fought to dominate the others. Nigh-frostbitten in the midst of frozen tundra, T’sha could scarcely collect himself enough to comply with the medic’s gentle demands. Her bright-lighted drone shone down on him and she mended his wounds with surgical tools the likes he had never seen before in Eir’Eio’Tio.

Dazed, T’sha glanced away from the medic’s sterile light even as she prodded him not to. He gazed off into the snow and sleet, unfocused, not in search of anything. But a glimpse of movement caught his eye for but a brief moment. A bundle of fur beneath a futuristic kasa hat.

Distant from the other Shas’la who did not notice him, T’Eldi offered his son a smile fresh from the forests of Eir’Eio’Tio. Satisfied, his father nodded once, grateful and relieved, before he turned away and vanished further into the worsening storm.

T’sha understood that he would never see his family ever again. He had succeeded where many had failed, and now the Fire Caste had claimed him as one of their own.

Such a lesson cut deeper than any scar left upon T’sha’s skin.
   
~***~
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Alienscar on April 13, 2018, 07:39:28 AM
An echo from over yonder rolled over the hills like a balmy tide of autumn wind. The sensation that met T’sha’s ears felt like the warmth of a withered summer and the gentle cold of an oncoming, but pleasantly light winter shared in one overly familiar sensation. A sensation of home and hearth in the small colony of Eir’Eio’Kio, of a proud elder hunter unburdened by advanced age, and of family and forgotten loves.

This is the second, possibly the third, story that you have begun with the sound of an echo. I think you need to think of new ways to start your stories as by using an echo all the time it lends a sameness to the stories that fools the reader's mind into thinking that they will be getting the same style of story.

Also I don’t think this paragraph adds anything useful to the story and could/should be removed. Additionally I find the paragraph confusing as it gives the impression that T’sha is old but it transpires later that he is only fourteen.


The autumn forests of Eir’Eio’Kio, her bountiful rivers, her sparse colonies glistening beneath a cloudless sky somewhere on Aloh’Fio’s equator belt.

This is an incomplete sentence so it does not make sense as I hope you can see. People will notice this even if they don’t understand and it ruins the flow of the story.


T’sha creaked his head up and he ignored the dull ache in the joints of his neck.

Another sentence that read together with the first paragraph sets T’sha up as old in a reader’s mind.

The verb (present participle) creaked can’t be used like this either. Creaking (simplistically speaking) is a noise that occurs when something is moved so can’t itself be used to describe movement. The sentence should read “T’sha’s neck creaked as he moved his head up….”

The J’karra Mountains reached their fractured and blunted fingers entire kilometers into the sky and shone a rich cobalt in the wane light of the midday sun.

Wan light or waning light would be correct. Wane light does not make sense.
 
A kilometre is a strange expression to use in a T’au story especially when it seems to be written from T’sha’s point of view.


Home was not here, and yet somehow T’sha could not feel far from her presence. Almost as if he could take a stroll through the highland and reach Eir’Eio’Kio before nightfall. Home possessed a heroic voice and an iron-clad will, one that called to him through the light rain of sleet and snow that peppered him.

I find this paragraph confusing.  In my mind the paragraph that begins “The autumn forests of Eir’Eio’Kio” indicate that T’sha is already in or near Eir’Eio’Kio.


Almost as if he could take a stroll through the highland and reach Eir’Eio’Kio before nightfall.

This is another example of an incomplete sentence. It was almost… would be correct.

Home possessed a heroic voice and an iron-clad will,

It might just be me but I don’t like your metaphor that describes T’sha’s home as having a heroic voice and an ironclad will. The imagery just doesn’t work for me.
 
T’Eldi cupped the spear clutched in his son’s fists from beneath the haft.

Cupped is its own description so needs no further explanation. By adding “from beneath the haft” you have been left with a confused sentence. Dropping the word from would make the sentence easier to read.


Your mind, body and spirit.

Each sentence that you write needs to work on its own. I hope that you can see that when read on its own the sentence, “Your mind, body and spirit.” does not work. 

and reeled from six cuts etched across his furs and chest from the grazing of the feline’s paw.

The force threw T’sha into the snow upon his left flank,

The word reeling already describes someone that is lurching violently to then follow that as you have with another description of force comes across as you describing the same scene twice.

Pride. Relief. Joy. Confusion.

You can’t use nouns as words to form sentences.

There is decent story in all of this but I find it difficult to enjoy it fully due to some of the mistakes noted above.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on April 13, 2018, 08:33:31 AM
Hi Alienscar,

Thanks for the honest feedback! Sorry the mistakes lessened your experience. I should have looked over the scene more thoroughly before posting.

Went through your feedback and made some (maybe more than that) changes, should look much cleaner now!
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Alienscar on April 17, 2018, 06:31:15 AM
Once again I am impressed with the quality and speed of the changes that you have made. The story definitely flows more smoothly, and has more of an impact right from the start now.

It does look cleaner, and you actually cleaned up a lot of things that I noticed the first time around but didn't mention.

There a still a few things I think you could work on like comma splicing, run on sentences and the like, but overall I like this version now.

Here are a few things that still stood out to me. See what you think of them.

Imagery is an important part of storytelling, but the world that you build has to make sense to a reader even if the subject matter is alien. So the line “and sparse colonies that glistened beneath a cloudless sky.” confuses my mind as a village shouldn’t glisten.

Midday is generally considered to be the hottest part of the day so the line “wan light of the midday sun.” also confuses as wan means weak or pale.


Quote from: MyenTal
A light rain of sleet and snow peppered T’sha from where kept vigil on the hillside.
Missing words can really upset the flow of story. Here you are missing the word “he”.

Quote from: MyenTal
The long spear in his hand thrust forward in one momentous strike into the belly of air before him.
This might just be me but I struggle with the use of momentous to describe T’Eldi’s spear thrust. Given the meaning of momentous if I were to say, ‘The long spear in his hand thrust forward in one important strike’ I would hope you can see my struggle.

Quote from: MyenTal
Of dead beasts and a familiar hunter triumphant over their scattered corpses.   
Conjunctions generally join two separate phrases of a sentence. As I hope you can see, ‘Of dead beasts’ isn’t a complete phrase so the sentence doesn’t read correctly.

Quote from: MyenTal
talon-paws striking futilely through the snow-wracked air.
The words rack and wrack are easily confused and for the most part are fairly interchangeable. The word rack has its roots in torture whilst wrack comes from a background of nautical destruction.
Because of this confusion I am left confused by the expression ‘snow-wracked’. Do you mean the air is tortured or wrecked?

Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on April 17, 2018, 05:31:37 PM
Hey Alienscar,

Appreciate the feedback as always! I agree that there are some issues I need to work on (with writing in general to be honest), but your feedback helps me understand and process what I'm doing wrong, so I'm really thankful for that. I'll make some changes based from the problems you have pointed out, hopefully within the next day or so.

Keep them coming!

EDIT:

I apologize for the late progression guys. I haven't made the edits suggested by Alienscar because I am working on the first scene for Chapter One of the Nocturnal Phantasma. The scene in progress might actually maybe too long lol :P, but I promise you guys something soon!

I actually was offered a new job this morning and the Start Date is soon approaching, so I have to make the necessary preparations ;D!
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on May 5, 2018, 12:02:49 AM
Sorry for the long hiatus, guys :P! I am back with the makings of the first chapter. I have split this scene into two parts, hence the "to be continued" at the end ;D. Hope you guys like it!

Also, made those changes, Alienscar. Sorry it took me so long to finally get to them!

Chapter I
The Solar Blitz
Sept Akush’Fio:
Settlement: Eir’Eio’Kio
Localized Planet Tau’cyr (year): 128 A.I.S.

Seven years later…

   A coil whine thrummed in T’Eldi’s ears until his pulse rifle seemed ready to explode in his hands. Even such a sophisticated weapon could become pushed to the brink, but not even a score of kills claimed thrice-over could run her power cells dry. As if reminded by the thought, the old hunter ejected and replaced the rifle’s power cell with a satisfactory click-clack. The spent cartridge clattered into the rubble, shrouded in a puff of acrid smoke.
 
An unnatural squall came in from the northern shores of the Kio’Va Isles and brought with it a resurgence of ceaseless rain. Hidden in the heights of a dome made derelict in the first assault, T’Eldi welcomed the rainstorm for the concealment it brought. Hidden beneath a thick sheet of rain, the old Shas’ui gazed out into the forested hills of Eir’Eio’Kio.

A lush landscape of arable farmland and autumnal forests stretched across the breadth of the Islands, dotted here and there with nano-crystalline domes and sleek towers levitating over both Isle and waves. T’Eldi swept his gaze north, east, and west and spotted the sleek shapes of a hundred unidentified alien grav-craft sped in from the northern sea and into the settlement with the speed of lightning.

T’Eldi inhaled an unhurried breath and lowered the muzzle-end of his rifle upon a piece of tattered nano-crystalline rubble. The last remnant of the great dome that once housed the northern section of the Kio’va Earth Caste Laboratories. He secured the pulse rifle clutched in his fingers upon the debris like a primitive bipod. He tugged the camouflage cloak fastened around his neck tighter around him.

T’Eldi squeezed one eye shut and stared through the emerald lens of his rifle scope. The storm roared from the northern skies, drowned beneath the clamor of rapid battle. Above him, bladed grav-craft with pronounced prows and open decks soared across the roiling skies not unlike miniature meteorites streaking across the horizon.

Aboard the fragile craft were a dozen alien shapes, shrouded in darkness save for the fiery glow of the obsidian armor that clad them and their vicious Grav-craft. No more than a hundred skimmers descended upon the ruined settlement of Eir’Eio’Kio. The aliens descended upon their would-be victims, marked by contrails of clean vapor and coruscating flames as they charged headlong into the defenders with reckless abandon.

The prolonged vibration of a dozen Heavy Rail Cannon Turrets charging their fuel cells from all over the island resonated in the Old Hunter’s ears and a fusillade of luminescent super-heated plasma suddenly lanced into the formation of hostile skimmers that were swarming over Eir’Eio’Kio.

The discharged salvo boomed with a resonance reminiscent of the thunderous clamor of the very storm that raged around him. Like a storm broken suddenly upon great mountain peaks, the fusillade withered into dispersed atoms much like the victims it had claimed.

A handful of bladed grav-craft were struck despite their rapid speed. T’Eldi shielded himself from the supernova explosions that blotted out the sky. As the myriad of starlight flames died away, the former Shas’ui reclaimed his position at the top of the Earth Caste facility.
 
T’Eldi scanned through the kill-zone of pulse fire and obsidian shards with the keen eyes of a hawk. Tor’kan (kilometers) beneath the Old Hunter in the skeletal remains of the Earth Caste District, pulse rounds crisscrossed over makeshift bunkers of debris. The incessant rattle of alien weapons hidden in the ruins answered with murderous swiftness. Obsidian shards streamed from their exotic muzzles that cut down noble Shas’la with the slightest graze.

T’Eldi focused the white crosshair on the emerald lens of his scope upon a shadowy creature that crept across the gloom and dark. Crafted from the very essence of shadow and a lithe musculature that could only be matched by the mysterious Eldar Race, the creature emerged from out of the shadows in a cautious stride. But even caution for one of the eldar made even the healthiest and dexterous T’au look lazy and clumsy.

T’Eldi traced the alien’s route through the debris piled in the streets, toward a beleaguered Shas’la Strike Team unaware of the threat. He sucked in another prolonged breath and squeezed down hard on the trigger…

Engineered by the finest Earth Cast Technologies, T’Eldi negated what semblance of recoil the pulse rifle had with both a stern grip and the makeshift bipod he crafted from the ruin around him. A brief build-up of charged energies in the power cell made the rifle muzzle flash with a pin-point burst of light, followed by a hiss of vented smoke.

The shadow on route to ambush the Shas’la defenders from the north spasmed, punched clean through the chest from the dispensed pulse round. T’Eldi changed his aim from the struck target to the next one scant feet behind it, then fired once again. Specks of black bile—or perhaps blood—flecked from a penetrated skull, quick enough that no scream could follow. Another slender shadow clattered from the height of a great heap of rubble, a trio of pulse rounds embedded in the creature’s gut.

Guided by the Old Hunter, others hunkered in the ruin of the Earth Caste facility  opened up with such a hail of pulse rounds that the alien combat team withered before they could even slink back into cover.

The discharge of the Rail Gun Turrets seared through the mist and rain once more and T’Eldi quickly removed himself from his position as four of the grav-craft exploded. He raised his broad arm to shield his eyes, but still could not shut out the brilliant light.

Despite his preparations, the supernova still singed him from behind the eyelids. 
D’yoh, Shas’ui of Strike Team Cold Morning, relayed through the Comm-Link with a voice resonating in crystal clarity. “I appreciate your efforts, La’Rua’Or’es’Mesme, thank you for keeping my Shas’la alive, for another several hours at least.”

T’Eldi nodded to himself more than anyone else, but kept his tone steely and sharp. “Spare me your thanks until this nightmare is over… Another mistake like that and your Shas’la will only have mere Rai’kor left, even with the hawk eyes of my Shas’ui.”

“Understood, Shas’ui T’Eldi, or should I say Lar’shi?” D’yoh answered without urgency. “Cold Morning could have taken them, but in either case, the enemy shall be hard-pressed to exploit another tactical error. We’ll hold this ground how ever long you demand it, Lar’shi T’Eldi.”

A familiar voice cut through the comm-chatter on T’Eldi’s squad channel. “T’Eldi? Hate to become the bearer of bad news, but Or’es’Mesme has earned the attention of the invader. Pathfinders have detected several inbound craft from the Recon Drones… we should make a fighting retreat back for the evacuation zone.”

“Distance, Yr’vah?” T’Eldi requested into the comm-bead in his helmet. “A feigned retreat won’t work much longer if the foe corners us in one end of the Isle. I would maximize our advantage here.”

“Negative, Shas’ui!” Yr’vah answered. “Inbound craft rapidly closing on our position. I would advise a quick retreat.”

The Shas’ui lowered his pulse rifle and stared out through the rain and mist. He quickly sketched out the outlines of several grav-craft hurtling through the rainstorm toward the derelict dome. A mischievous grin crossed T’Eldi’s scarred lips. He slung the pulse rifle over his shoulder and promptly exited the drone facilities he had used as a vantage point.

“Or’es’Mesme, rendezvous in the Core…” T’Eldi ordered into the comm-link. “Yr’vah, get my command to D’yoh and tell his Strike Team to meet us there as well. I have an ambush to set.”

T’Eldi hurried through entire racks of fabricated  MV1 and MV4 Gun and Shield Drones, suspended and unused in secure-lock mechanisms. Even in the ruin of the Earth Caste Facility, flickers of ghostly sapphire light emitted from the Artificial Intelligence integrated into their systems.

An incomprehensible amount of information transferred from the uplink data cores into the memory banks of each piece of combat equipment. Within the span of one Rotaa, each individual drone learned their place in proper combat simulations and understood the enhanced, though restricted, knowledge of a several millennia old Empire. 

“Understood, Shas’ui.” Yr’vah heartily affirmed. “I hope it’s as grand as you imagined, T’Eldi.”

The Shas’ui emerged from out of the corridors of stasis-locked drones and into a narrow space occupied by only a dummy terminal. A hundred data slates lay scattered about fractured floors of nano-crystal. Great slabs of the ceiling had crashed down and smashed open the great data vaults that once housed them. With caution, T’Eldi waded through the discarded data slates. He crunched his boots across a polished floor in the industrial russet tint of the Earth Caste.

“Yeh’os, my Hawk Eye.” T’Eldi called into the comm-bead embedded within his helmet. “Bring merciless war upon these barbarian slavers. Bring them the wrath of the Tau Empire, so that they may never forget.”

“Of course, Shas’ui,” An steely and disciplined voice replied into the comms. Disciplined, perhaps, but T’Eldi could sense an intense anxiety exude from the younger Shas’la. Handed his orders, Yeh’os’ untamed rage shattered the stoic façade that kept his warrior spirit locked in an invisible shell. “For the Greater Triumph of the T’au!”

A solemn note pierced the thin veil in between the acrid smog of debris and the recycled oxygen borne from the manufactory. A voice that lilt in an incomprehensible series of notes, from a graceful song that one could listen to for Rotaa on end, but one that no T’au or member of the Empire’s societies could gain any significant meaning from. T’Eldi, try as he might, could only imagine them as honeyed words.

A feminine voice cut through the gloom of the storm and shadows of the Laboratories like the edge of a razor. Heightened by some heinous thirst for violence, the eldar weaved her words into a beatific melody of promised violence and unchecked slaughter. Lesser notes from the Eldar Warrioress’ minions coalesced into the combined symphony of bloodlust until the entire industrial factory of the Drone Facility AX-91 resonated with their choir of death.
 
The venomous siren-choir culminated into one casual demand handed down from the mouth of an Eldar Commander, herself cloaked in the shadow of the AX-91 Facility. “Enough games, La’rua’Or’es’Mesme’Shas’ui’T’Eldi… Your inferior language only drives my warriors to further heights of hyper-aggression!” She cooed with no small hint of delighted savagery. “You cannot hide away from your ominous demise, hypnotized vermin! But my hand can be tempted to spare the lives of your comrades, should you prove pragmatic enough to grovel on your knees before me… You should save your mewling gratitude. As I can bestow great agonies that you could scarcely imagine in that small pin-brain of yours… so too can I be generous, no?”

~***~
To Be Continued...
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Alienscar on May 9, 2018, 06:03:37 AM
Also, made those changes, Alienscar. Sorry it took me so long to finally get to them!

No need to apologise MyenTal, it is your story so you can take as long as you like. Also, don’t think that you have to make every change that I suggest.

I haven’t got long, so I thought I would quickly add a few comments as otherwise you will probably have posted another chapter before I get another chance.


A coil whine hummed in T’Eldi’s ears in gradual waves

The word hum refers to a continuous noise so its use is at odds with the gradual waves part of this sentence.

The ancient heirloom was pushed onto the brink, but still had work enough cut out for her.

This sentence is slightly confused in its phrasing. Onto the brink should be 'to' or maybe 'up to' the brink.

The second part of the sentence does not make sense within the context of the whole sentence. You have essentially written that the gun was pushed to its limit but still had work planned. I do not think that this is what you wanted to say.

bubbling of acrid smoke.

From a mental imagery point of view bubbling smoke is not something that is easy to imagine.

An unnatural squall came in from the northern shores of the Kio’Va Isles

Ha ha as previously mentioned you just can’t resist writing about bad weather.

A scattered labyrinth of sleek domes suspended in levitation

A labyrinth is a maze or network of passages in which it is easy to lose your way. If you are travelling amongst levitating domes I don’t see how you can get lost as you can just raise or lower yourself to get a better look.

suspended in levitation

Also there is something bugging me about this line, but I can’t quite decide what it is. I think it is something to do with the clash of the words, suspend & levitate. Suspend means to hang from somewhere whilst levitate refers to something rising.
 
I think the phrase sleek domes suspended in levitation would be better off written as ‘sleek levitating domes’

sail in from the northern sea and into the settlement with lightning speed.

Again from a mental imagery point of view the line above confuses my thought processes. The craft sailing in from the northern sea put me in mind of a gentle boating trip but this is at odds with the ‘lightning speed’ part of the sentence.

He fixed his weapon in place like a primitive bipod

Because of the way you have written this you are calling T’Eldi a primitive bipod.

Also fixed is an adjective, but here you have used it as a verb. ‘He securely fixed his weapon…’ would be correct.

camoflauge

I wouldn’t normally mention spelling mistakes as you are American and therefore spell some words differently than I do. ‘Camoflauge’ should be spelt ‘camouflage’ though.

Distant thunder roared from further north, drowned beneath the clamor of rapid battle. Above him, bladed grav-craft with pronounced prows and open decks sailed across the breadth of the storm like bruised wounds cut into the mist and air.

The expression ‘distant thunder’ generally implies that the sound of the thunder can only be faintly heard and because of this the imagery of this sentence becomes confused. That is, distant thunder shouldn’t roar and how loud can the clamour be if it only drowns out distant thunder.

I struggle with the term breadth to describe a storm as unless it is a tornado a storm is mostly shapeless so doesn’t really have a defined width.

As Grizzlykin has said sometimes less is more and the line ‘like bruised wounds cut into the mist…’ is an example of this. From a readers point of view nothing you have written before warrants the ‘bruised wound’ line.


No more than a hundred skimmers descended upon the ruined settlement of Eir’Eio’Kio.

There doesn't seem to be a point for this sentence. You mentioned the number of skimmers in a previous sentence so their number is already known and this sentence adds nothing new.

The aliens sailed upon contrails of charred smoke and coruscating flames

Contrails by their very definition are something that trails behind the thing that produces them, so the word ‘upon’ does not work for me.

The prolonged vibration of a dozen Heavy Rail Cannon Turrets charging their fuel cells from all over the island resonated in the Old Hunter’s ears. A culmination of shrill screams thundered after a brief pause. A fusillade of luminescent super-heated plasma lanced into the formation of hostile skimmers swarming over Eir’Eio’Kio.

You have written three sentences here that, whilst seemingly linked, don’t quite pay off.

I think that fault lies with the line ‘culmination of shrill screams’ as this doesn’t make sense.
When writing try substituting a synonym of a word that you have used to see if what you have written works.

In this instance your line could read ‘a climax of shrill screams’, or ‘the top of shrill screams’ which I hope you would agree does not work.

I think something like this would be easier to read:-

The prolonged vibration of a dozen Heavy Rail Cannon Turrets charging their fuel cells from all over the island resonated in the Old Hunter’s ears and a fusillade of luminescent super-heated plasma suddenly lanced into the formation of hostile skimmers that were swarming over Eir’Eio’Kio.


Like the waxing of the high tide, the sudden discharge boomed with an irresistible resonance. Like the wan of the low tide did the fusillade level off in volume like a scream that lost its breath from the lungs.

Tides ebb & flow not wax & wane. Also the tide takes roughly twelve hours to ebb so it shouldn’t be used to describe something that is supposed to be sudden.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Grizzlykin on May 9, 2018, 06:50:55 AM
I'm not good enough to make some English correction. But story if I may suggest, It took me a while to understand the opponent was dark eldar, maybe try to be a tad bit more precise with it.

Otherwise so far I really enjoy the story. Keep it up MyenTal it's a great read.

Regarding the relic comment that aliens are mention, I'm not opposed to the idea as he seems to be, but I can for sure say I did not understand the second part of the sentence don't turn it to weird, if you have a point straight to the point, can really be a plus. I had to triple take the sentence and still could not understand the the second part of it, but that mightt just be because I'm not a native English.

Good luck with what's next, I'm eagerly waiting for it.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on May 11, 2018, 06:59:36 PM
@Alienscar:

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No need to apologise MyenTal, it is your story so you can take as long as you like. Also, don’t think that you have to make every change that I suggest.

Understood and appreciated, Alienscar! I don't mind making the changes, as I want those who would take the time to read it to know that their time is appreciated :). You and Grizzlykin are some such individuals, so I think listening to your opinions and feedback is important, plus it helps me grow ;D.

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Ha ha as previously mentioned you just can’t resist writing about bad weather.

Hah ;D, I guess I cannot really deny that :P. I guess the worlds I write about are constantly desolated with natural disasters and great storms lol.

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Because of the way you have written this you are calling T’Eldi a primitive bipod
Hah ;D, that's one of the funnier mistakes!

@Grizzlykin:

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I'm not good enough to make some English correction. But story if I may suggest, It took me a while to understand the opponent was dark eldar, maybe try to be a tad bit more precise with it.

Hey Grizzly, don't feel like you can't contribute to help catching mistakes! If something doesn't seem or feel right to you, you're always welcome to point it out ;D! As for your advice, that was my attempt at building suspense :P. I do that sometimes, but I'm realizing now that I'm just being too vague and that that frustrates readers. Sometimes I do it without realizing it :P. Will do better next time, and will try to make some adjustments to this scene in particular.

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Regarding the relic comment that aliens are mention, I'm not opposed to the idea as he seems to be, but I can for sure say I did not understand the second part of the sentence don't turn it to weird, if you have a point straight to the point, can really be a plus. I had to triple take the sentence and still could not understand the the second part of it, but that mightt just be because I'm not a native English.

When I write out a chapter or scene, I usually spend a couple of hours and write out the whole piece in one or two sittings. Going that fast, I'm sure it's not your English skills that is the reason you don't understand the sentence. Somethings that I convey in my own head just don't come out that well on paper in the first few rounds :P. Good advice, Grizzly, I will keep it in mind.

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Good luck with what's next, I'm eagerly waiting for it.

Thank you ;D
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Alienscar on May 15, 2018, 11:32:45 AM
I have got a spare hour before I have to be elsewhere and I thought I would continue my observations. I hope you don't mind?

the former Shas’ui reclaimed his position on the height of the Earth Caste facility.

Height is a measurement and not a place so 'At the highest point' or at 'the top of the Earth Caste facility' would be better.
 
T’Eldi picked through the storm of pulse fire thrown into the teeth of the foe that closed in around the streets of the ruined settlement.

I can’t decide why, but I find this sentence difficult to read. Overall I just think it needs to be less verbose.

He picked through the incessant rattle of alien weapons and the obsidian shards

Picking through a noise does not make any logical sense.

The creature lurched forward in a cautious stride, but even caution for one of these aliens seemed to make even the fittest T’au seem lame and clumsy.

I can see what you are trying to do here, but you haven’t quite pulled it off. The word lurch means to stagger or move abruptly, so by using this word you have ruined the effect of what you were trying to say.

     
Engineered from the finest Earth Cast Industries, T’Eldi negated what semblance of recoil the pulse rifle had

'By' or 'in, not 'from'

The shadow that slunk toward the Shas’la defenders from the north spasmed,

Slunk is the past tense, so this should be slinked towards.

T’Eldi changed his aim from the struck target to the next one scant feet behind it, then fired once again.

'T’Eldi changed his aim then fired once again would suffice and add a bit of pace to this sentence.

flecked from a pitched skull

Pitch means to throw, so this line reads as ‘flecked from a thrown skull’ which as you can see does not make sense within the context of the whole paragraph.

       
The discharge of the Rail Gun Turrets seared through the mist and rain once more. A detonation of no less than four bladed grav-craft greeted T’Eldi with distant explosions. Once again, T’Eldi removed himself from his position and shielded himself with a broad arm. Despite his preparations, the supernova still singed him from behind the eyelids.

I see this as another example of where you have written seemingly linked sentences that don’t actually run together very well.

I think something like this would be better.

The discharge of the Rail Gun Turrets seared through the mist and rain once more and T’Eldi quickly removed himself from his position as four of the grav-craft exploded. He raised his broad arm but the resulting supernova still seared the back of his eyelids.

the supernova still singed him from behind the eyelids.

Also why would the flare singe him from the inside of his eyes?
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on May 15, 2018, 06:31:08 PM
No problem, Alienscar, I appreciate your effort to keep offering feedback. I'll tackle all of your feedback during the weekend.

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Also why would the flare singe him from the inside of his eyes?

You know when there is a light so bright that it makes you see stars even if you shut your eyes. Closing one's eyes doesn't necessarily block out all light.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Alienscar on May 16, 2018, 10:08:34 AM

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Also why would the flare singe him from the inside of his eyes?

You know when there is a light so bright that it makes you see stars even if you shut your eyes. Closing one's eyes doesn't necessarily block out all light.

My mistake MyenTal I should have been more precise. I understand how a really bright light can still be seen through closed eyes but because of the way you have constructed your sentence that isn't what you have said.

the supernova still singed him from behind the eyelids.

This says that the supernova singed him from the behind his eyelids. That is, the supernova burned from the inside of his eyes to the outside.

I think something like 'He raised his broad arm but the resulting supernova still seared the back of his eyelids' is more likely what you were trying to say.

I am running out of time again, so I doubt I will be able to complete my feedback before you post again.

Due to my lack of time I thought I would quickly post a few more observations, but for the sake of quickness cut back on the explanation. I hope that you can see the reasons for my observations without the detail.

Appreciate your efforts, La’Rua’Or’es’Mesme

‘I appreciate' otherwise it is an instruction for La’Rua to appreciate his own efforts.

your Shas’la won’t have mere Rai’kor left,

‘Will only have’ not ‘won’t have’

however long you demand it,

‘How ever’ not ‘however’

if the foe corners us to one end

Corners in one end or forces us to one end

“Negative, Shas’ui!” Yr’vah quipped,

Quipped means to make a witty remark

Spare none from your omniscent sight.

Correctly speaking omniscient means all knowing. Also omniscient & not omniscent

Rotaa (Day): Day of the Incomparable Hunter

In the matter of mere Rotaa,.

A voice that lilt in an incomprehensible series of notes, from a graceful song that one could listen to for Rotaa on end,

You have defined Rotaa as a day, but as you can see you have gone on to use it to describe something both short (mere) and long.

Also if a Rotaa is a day then the expression 'mere Rotaa' does not make sense. As you can see if you use the word 'day' in its place. Is Rotaa both the singular and plural version of a Tau day?
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Prologue: Scene I): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on May 25, 2018, 11:35:02 PM
Alright, I made a number of changes based on all of the feedback I've been given on Chapter 1, Scene 1. I have also made some changes to the part that I am now posting here, so tell me what you guys think ;D!

Just FYI, I split the second half of Chapter 1, Scene 1 into two halves. There is this new scene below and there will be another one coming soon. Both are roughly the same word count size.


~***~
T’Eldi scrambled back in several rapid footfalls, still concealed in the camouflage offered from his cloak. The Old Hunter lifted his rifle as his hooves scrabbled across shattered nano-crystal and disheveled cables and discarded data slates. The rifle scope became level with his right and eye and he squeezed the trigger with careful efficiency.

The Pulse Rifle whined with infused energies and popped with incessant burst of pin-point pulse rounds. Inky shadows scattered across the corridors around him seemed to detach from their environment to dodge away from the miniature plasma rounds. T’Eldi slammed off the single-shot mechanism on the rifle and scoured each hall around him with sweeps of concentrated fire.

The symphony of blood lust was birthed anew. Each burst of accurate pulse fire cut down one of the fiery shadows, but the Dark Eldar only intensified their sanguine chant.

   An eldar raider, lithe beyond even the frail measures of the spaceborne Air Caste, flitted across the Old Hunter’s vision like a wraith only half-realized. A wicked and barbed armor clad his slender form beneath segmented plates of glassine obsidian. Even in the dim light of the derelict Earth Caste Factory, the armor shone with a reflective polish to match the fiery glow lit upon its edges.

   A volley of obsidian shards streamed from the immaculate muzzle of the pirate’s exotic weaponry. T’Eldi weaved away from the sudden report of the Splinter Pistol clutched in the Drukhari’s talon-like fingers. A smatter of shards landed at his feet and deflected off the surface in any conceivable direction. Snared in the storm of return fire, the Old Hunter shielded himself and held his ground at the dummy terminal.

An explosion rocked the upper echelons of the AX-91 Facility. An invisible force detonated what remained of the ceiling overhead. Quick on his feet, T’Eldi clambered up and over the dummy terminal and shielded himself from the great rain of sparking cables and great gouts of coruscated flames that spread into the drone chamber. Detonations and secondary explosions rippled through AX-91 and engulfed the Drone Docks in an inferno.

Alien screams whisked themselves from the throats of the defiant Drukhari before they were snuffed out in the wrath of the maelstrom. T’Eldi fought and protected himself from succumbing to the destruction. An upsurge of liquid fire slammed into the dummy terminal and broke against it like a wave dashes against a great cliff. The Old Hunter cried out as his right gauntlet sloughed away in rough tatters and the cobalt skin beneath it cooked writhed with a permanent scar from the licking flame.

Click-clack. The Old Hunter could scarcely find anything through the flames, but felt a nearby presence swoop through the flames toward his position. A brief burst of starlight washed over him from where he hunkered in over himself. The starlight felt incredibly cold to the touch and provided a much-needed balm against the flames. Around him, a protective barrier of energy materialized from out of thin air.

A squadron of a dozen drones darted through the destruction of AX-91 in time to come T’Eldi’s aid. MV4 Shield Drones formed a defensive circle around the Shas’ui, scouring away multi-hued flames and toxic smoke alike. An expansive force field of energies condensed into a liquidized form blocked each corridor until all avenues of approach that led into the further reaches of AX-91 were blocked off from a direct assault.

 “Arrogance…” The Eldar who had given him her ultimatum shrieked from out of the flames. “You offer your comrades onto death itself. A coward then. Your severed heads shall decorate the chain snares of my vessels, your pin-brains painstakingly kept intact. Your tortured nervous system shall be felt with each gaping, wordless scream. And your spinal cords replaced by more immortal designs that’ll ensnare you in perpetual agony for another thousand years!

“Know us and quake in delightful terror! The Kabal of the Obsidian Rose has claimed your souls for my desires!”

Goaded into action, MV1 Gun Drone squadrons swept forward into the firestorm with their weapons primed and unleashed. Precise and calculated burst from a score of Twin Pulse Carbines drove back the Kabalites of the Obsidian Rose that surged through the flames without fear. For every hundred rounds spent, an eldar slaver was overwhelmed from the firepower and scythed down.

   T’Eldi fought back onto his feet and caught one of the Drukhari in the gut with a point-blank shot. Another Kabalite concealed in the ruin of the Drone Docks tumbled from a great height and into the flames with a round buried deep in his waist. Another Kabalite was claimed in the heat of the counter-surge, followed by a handful more, until a score of the Drukhari had fallen in the heat of combat. Uplifted, the Old Hunter felt a resurgence overcome him in that moment. That he alone could turn the tide and push back the Dark Eldar by his own will alone.

A familiar voice cooed sadistically from scant feet behind the old hunter and his illusion of victory was shattered. “Found your courage? You worthless toy, you’ll learn that your kind were always meant to be broken!”

T’Eldi dodged the practiced coup-de-grace of a crackling power whip with a quick tuck and roll. The Warrioress snapped the agonizer in her hand taut and caught the Shas’ui on the chest plate as he slid away from her. A light graze, but the power weapon cut through his armor without effort.

An enhanced electro-magnetic field that powered the Agonizer cut a neat slice through the hunter’s armor and brought him down onto his knees with mind-wracked agony. Electrocution pervaded into every fiber of the Old Hunter’s musculature and forced him backward until he tumbled back-first into a stack of discarded data slates.

The eldar whipped back her weapon more quickly than she had struck T’Eldi. All at once, the mere memory of the nerve-wracked pain he had experienced mere moments before left him beleaguered and bereft of muscle memory. Strength escaped from out of his slackened muscles and became useless. As a final act of defiance, T’Eldi rolled his limp head upwards to meet the gaze of the enemy that had slain him.

A vicious smile graced the lustful cherry lips carved upon the beatific Druhkari Warrioress. A narrow and angular face framed a frenzied, wide-eyed stare reminiscent of the great drop into oblivion itself. A lengthened, razor-sharp nose wrinkled at the mere sight of T’Eldi already at her mercy. Gory red streaked through great and lustrous streams of pinned-up hair the shade of an azure topaz gem. Bloodied wounds were gouged over her obsidian gaze in the pattern of six neat cuts, three carved from brow-to-cheekbone for either eye.

“Ninnymir Skull Flayer of the Infernal Brand,” The Kabalite Commander sketched an elegant bow. Her Agonizer Whip cracked through the air and sliced the Shield Drone hovered over the Shas’ui in twain—all in the same movement as her bow. “A triumph with neither great effort or grateful applause… but your trophy-skull shall have to do in the stead of my myriad glories.”

A squadron of Gun Drones retreated back toward T’Eldi. The Drones unleashed their payload, but found each dispensed round dissipated in a sudden haze of inky black smoke that seemed to wrap around their mistress. Ninnymir did not flinch from their enraptured attention, but instead lifted the blast pistol in her off-hand and squeezed the trigger.

T’Eldi had never seen Drukhari nor their greatly advanced technology, but the mere stories alone could always reach an ancient veteran like him no matter which backwater he chose for settlement. Before Ninnymir could pull the trigger, the hunter sagged onto his right shoulder with all of the strength left in him. He lifted an arm over his head to shield him from the cursed effects of Dark Light Weaponry.

Ninnymir squeezed the trigger in rapid succession, each pull rewarded with the brief disintegration of a Drone. T’Eldi dared not budge his head to preserve his eyesight from  permanent blindness that Dark Light Weapons left scarred upon their victims.

   “Fire Team, advance! Give no quarter!”

   “T’Eldi, keep yourself protected!” Yr’Vah’s voice cut through the cacophony of the skirmish. “Photon Grenade out!”
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 1): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Grizzlykin on May 30, 2018, 05:52:31 PM
Ok time for some insight !

This :

“Photon Grenade in the hole!”

 

No. Doesn't work. You did one very common mistake for most authors that try to write sci-fi or fantasy or not pure realist novel. You tried to convert a saying that works perfectly in our reality to the reality you are writing about but it does not work. It is not nessessary to convert a sentence that work just fine in english.  You might feels it's break the immersion but if done poorly it break it even more. He would be what I would use as a text book exemple. "FIRE IN THE HOLE work because it's a rule of 4. 4 words, one sound each, short, consise. You have "Photon grenade in the hole" : 5 words, 5 sounds in the first two words, then 3 sounds. You have very little rythm to that sentence. Even if you went for something else, it have to keep the 4 word balance, at least. Just "Photon in the hole would" work better but why not just keep the fire in the hole? what ever happenes in the end photon or what not would produce a fire. Nobody would be saying "it does not work" (I think).

If you trully want to say it's a photon grenade, do it in the next part. In the next paragraph go for something like: "As hurt as he was T'ELdi new the photon grenades were coming, he add to get out of here no matter what."  Please keep in mind I'm a terrible writter and don't know where you want to take your story but here. This was my insight.


There are probably other things i could point out. but I kinda want to keep that for an other time as I would have to read this chapter again. This precise comment has been on my mind for a while now so I wanted to push it out.


Still I do have to say from what lingering feeling i have left from 4 days ago, this is probably one of the part that to me felt the best to read. Keep it up :D
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 1): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on May 30, 2018, 08:38:44 PM
Hey Grizzly,

Thanks for the input! I do see where you are coming from with the Photon Grenade, I used that phrase without much thought behind it ;D. I will add that one to the changes list and try to fix that up sometime tomorrow. I'm glad that you found this part easier to read. Progress! Will keep your guys' advice in mind in the future as well!
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 1): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Alienscar on June 1, 2018, 11:24:47 AM
Alright, I made a number of changes based on all of the feedback I've been given on Chapter 1, Scene 1. I have also made some changes to the part that I am now posting here, so tell me what you guys think ;D!

I like the changes that you have made to Scene 1 MyenTal and I find it much easier to read now. I also find that it has a bit more pace and drama which makes it a more engaging and satisfying read.

There are still a few things that you could change that I think would improve the first scene even more.

whine thrummed in the drums of T’Eldi’s ears in until his pulse rifle

'Thrummed in T'Eldi's ears' would suffice. Ears are well understood by everyone that will read this so adding the word 'drums' is unnecessary.

The second 'in' in this sentence is superfluous.

Hidden in the height of a dome made derelict in the first assault, T’Eldi welcomed

As previously explained the word height still doesn't work. The word heights would be better.

a hundred unidentified alien grav-craft sail in from the northern sea and into the settlement with lightning speed.

I still find the expression 'sail in' to be at odds with 'lightning speed'

He secured upon the debris like a primitive bipod and tugged the camouflage

This is an incomplete sentence. What did he secure?

Distant thunder roared from further north, drowned beneath the clamor of rapid battle. Above him, bladed grav-craft with pronounced prows and open decks soared across the breadth of the storm

'Distant thunder' still doesn't work for me and neither does 'breadth' of a storm.

No more than a hundred skimmers descended upon the ruined settlement of Eir’Eio’Kio.

This sentence still seems redundant to me.

The prolonged vibration of a dozen Heavy Rail Cannon Turrets charging their fuel cells from all over the island resonated in the Old Hunter’s ears. A fusillade of luminescent super-heated plasma suddenly lanced into the formation of hostile skimmers that were swarming over Eir’Eio’Kio.

These two sentences don't quite gel together and I think would be better off written so that they flow a bit more. For example:-

The prolonged vibration of a dozen Heavy Rail Cannon Turrets charging their fuel cells all over the island resonated in the Old Hunter’s ears and a fusillade of luminescent super-heated plasma suddenly lanced into the formation of hostile skimmers that were swarming over Eir’Eio’Kio.

with an irresistible resonance reminiscent

Resonance is not the right word when used with the word irresistible. Resonance means a sound that is deep and reverberating or something that evokes a memory. None of this is irresistible   

pulse rounds crisscrossed across

crisscrossed already means across so there is no need to add 'across'.

with quick and mortal swiftness.

There are several meanings to the word mortal and this makes reading this sentence confusing. I think it would be better to write ‘quick  and deadly*/fatal*/murderous*/lethal*.’ *choose one.

the creature skulked forward in a cautious stride.

The word skulked has cowardly overtones

Another slender shadow clattered from the height of a great heap of rubble, a trio of pulse rounds seared within his gut.

Seared means to burn with a sudden and intense heat, so this sentence just says that someone fell with a pulse round burning inside of him. Is this what you  meant or is the ‘slender shadow’supposed to have been killed?

The discharge of the Rail Gun Turrets seared through the mist and rain once more and T’Eldi quickly removed himself from his position as four of the grav-craft exploded. He raised his broad arm to shield his eyes, but still could not shut out the brilliant light from behind his shut eyelids.

The discharge of the Rail Gun Turrets seared through the mist and rain once more. A detonation of no less than four bladed grav-craft greeted T’Eldi with distant explosions. Once again, T’Eldi removed himself from his position and shielded himself with a broad arm.

I think that only one of these paragraphs is meant to have been included. I prefer the first one apart the ‘from behind his shut eyelids’ part.

… we should fire and fade back into the shadows.”

This phrase seems a bit overblown and I can’t imagine anyone speaking in this fashion (even an alien). Practically speaking you can’t actually disappear in a shadow anyway and I think this is why the phrase feels overblown.

I think ‘we should make a fighting retreat’ might be more suitable. Or, a better option might be to drop this line completely seeing as Yr’vah suggests a quick retreat just below this sentence.


In the span of several Rotaa, each individual drone learned their place in proper combat


Not sure what you are trying to do here. As a Rotaa is a day you have said that each Drone takes days to learn the combat simulations. I get the impression that you were trying to imply that the Drones learnt quickly, if that is the case then several Rotaa is the wrong wording.


“Understood, Shas’ui.” Yr’vah affirmed with a grunt. “I hope it’s as grand as you imagined, T’Eldi.”

Tonally the grunt and the rest of the sentence do not match. The grunt makes Yr’vah seem uninterested or a bit of straight talker, but then the rest of the sentence seems at odds with this impression.

The line ‘Understood, Shas’ui.” Yr’vah affirmed with a grunt’ works just fine on it own.


You may awaken an omen of warfare upon these perfidious raiders.”

An omen is an event that can be considered a portent of things to come, a prediction in other words. You want actual warfare not a prediction.
 
Perfidious means untrustworthy which is an odd thing to be accusing raiders of being.


“Of course, Shas’ui,” An impetuous voice answered him

Impetuous means to act impulsively so does not work with the word voice.

tearing loose was cast aside like so much unwanted chains.

Cast aside like so many unwanted chains or like so much unwanted chain would be correct

A solemn note pierced the thin veil betwixt the acrid smog of the debris

As neither this story nor the Tau have any medieval overtones I am not sure why you would use the archaic form of the word between.

T’Eldi tried as he might, but could only imagine them as  honeyed words.

'T’Eldi, try as he might,' would be correct.

Eldar Warrioress

There is no such word as warrioress

As I can bestow great agonizers that you could scarcely imagine

‘Agonisers’ isn’t a word unless you are talking about the Dark Eldar weapon. If it is the weapon you are referring to then the sentence needs to be rewritten.

If it isn’t the weapon then the correct word is ‘agonies’ but the sentence would still need to be rewritten to make this work.

I think something like ‘You should save your mewling as I can bestow on you agonies beyond the imagination of your small pin-brain. But so too can I be generous’ would be better.


Hopefully I will get around to leaving some feedback for the rest of this story sometime soon.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 1): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on June 4, 2018, 11:05:22 PM
Thanks Alienscar, wanted to get back to you sooner, but I thought I'd have that new round of feedback you gave me addressed by now. I'll incorporate your feedback next time I go back and edit!
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 1): Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on June 10, 2018, 10:21:18 PM
Made more edits and changes based on feedback for the earlier scenes of Chapter I. Tell me what you guys think!


~***~

 Ninnymir swiveled her eyes of midnight toward the clatter of noise at her feet, then shifted from the thrown grenade to the T’au reinforcements that stormed into the Drone Factory. In a brilliant display of sheer dexterity, the Wych of the Infernal Brand pounced from upon the remains of a destroyed Shield Drone, a move that piqued with a great spring across the flames of the burning structure.

Not even a hint of recoil resisted the Blast Pistol in Ninnymir’s hand as she opened fire. The dark-light blast from the ancient weapon smacked a blinded Shas’la square in the chest, detonating him like a miniature warhead. Ribbons of tattered gore sprinkled onto the charred corridors of Facility AX-91 and the Fire Warriors nearest to their deceased comrade. A handful of Shas’la grazed from the blast of the fallout crumbled to the ground with dismembered limbs, such was the kinetic strength behind the shot. Others collapsed in upon themselves, reduced to blinded and mewling husks of their former selves.

   Pulse Blasters rippled out of the shadows from the other end of the factory. Dispersed nets of super-heated plasma saturated the corridors with each heavy thump of a weapon report. Drukhari warriors of the Obsidian Rose, now victorious over the Drone squads deployed against them, were caught off guard even as the last of the Drones were shredded under an endless stream of splinter fire.

   A kill zone formed from the plasma shells of a dozen Pulse Blasters swept into the nearest squad of Kabalites with merciless efficiency. Defiant till their dying breath, the Obsidian Rose warriors screamed in outrage as their limbs were systematically blown into bits, from highest to lowest priorities. The remaining Drukhari slunk back into cover amidst the flames and returned fire into the entrenched Shas’la.

   Splinter rounds popped incessantly as they exchanged their vicious payload with the quickened burst from discharged pulse weaponry. Here and there, a member of the Breacher Teams folded in on himself and spasmed from a mere graze of a Splinter round. Emboldened, warriors of the Obsidian Rose surged through the firestorm with a boldness borne from countless millennia of arrogance.

   Burdened from the lingering agonies of electrocution, T’Eldi somehow staved off the overwhelming ache in his limbs and pushed himself up onto his knees with stiffened hands. His entire body screamed out in defiance and seemed ready to surrender to the eternal peace of oblivion. The Old Hunter pushed himself up with a great heave and pinned his back against the terminal behind him.

Ninnymir Skull Flayer cried out in shrill laughter and descended upon the T’au reinforcements with lightning speed. The Old Hunter craned his head in the direction of the Gladiatrix in time to watch her sever two helmeted heads from their corpses with a flick of her wrist. The Agonizer in her hand coiled back and forth, up and down as the Drukhari champion waded into what remained of T’Eldi’s Strike Team.

Heightened by her combat drugs, Skull Flayer reached such a pique of violence and gore that the T’au who encountered her appeared to degenerate into bloodied shreds as they became caught in the whirlwind lash of her mighty whip.

Kabalites of the Obsidian Rose sprinted into the firestorm and leapt into the midst of the nearby Breacher Teams with wicked daggers and splinter pistols. True to their hot-blooded nature, the disciplined shock troops formed their ranks and defiantly held their ground. A great net of combined plasma volleys greeted the Drukhari eager enough to approach them. A score of cruel and proven slavers strode into the kill zone and promptly withered like parchment seared through numerous times.

Suddenly disinterested in the sight of their own dead, the Kabalites realized that they were repulsed and scattered back in the direction of their void-craft. Any stragglers too beleaguered to make good on their own escape were swept away in a tide of vented plasma from both the point-blank blasts of the aggressive Pulse Blasters or the far-sighted Pulse Pistols.

   Stuck between boundless rage and inspired martial pride, some measure of strength returned onto T’Eldi and forced him back onto his feet. The Old Hunter pushed aside the sight of mutilated comrades from his mind and bore the stock of his pulse rifle upon his shoulder. He reclined the emerald lens of his rifle scope until it came level with his hawk’s eye. The white crosshair centered on his cone of vision chanced upon a staggering Ninnymir, bathed in the viscera of the Old Hunter’s eldest friends and pupils.

   The last of what remained of the Fire Dawn Cadre. Though Ninnymir’s posture remained triumphant, the grimace etched on her features seemed to writhe like a worm burrowing beneath her skin. A pallid hand clenched over a bloodied wound on her midriff, but distracted though she was, the enigmatic creature seemed to feel T’Eldi’s gaze trained upon her.

   Cautiously, Ninnymir shifted her midnight eyes in the Old Hunter’s direction. She offered him a deceivingly impish and cruel smile that disturbed T’Eldi down to his core. A confident smile that spoke of T’Eldi’s efforts to forestall the inevitable.   
   
“Inferior Pin-Brain,” Ninnymir snarled and planted a mighty boot onto the neatly preserved and severed skull of Yr’vah. The fractured bone crumbled as if made of nothing but dust, the flesh inside nothing more than ashes. “Why must your squirming be so difficult? Go ahead and use your toy, but know that death is nothing more than an inconvenience for me…

“Should you strike me down, my Blood Feud shall commence. The entire history of your family line shall be erased so thoroughly that any living T’au will desire to forget it entirely, lest they become consumed with delightful terror of having their skulls be mounted on the trophy racks of my Raiders for an eternity or more!

"Your friends shall only be the beginning… I would hunt your cadre to the ends of the galaxy and steal away your beloved heroes back into the nightmares that await them in my realm.”

“Hmm…” T’Eldi sighed out a labored breath. “There is nothing more to say between us then.”

T’Eldi pretended to consider her offer for not even a second. The Old Hunter saluted her with one arm, then gouged a ragged hole through Ninnymir’s right eye with a squeeze of the trigger. The corpse flung itself backward from the sudden force and complete lack of resistance. T’Eldi sighed and watched the carcass tumble into the remains of the defiled dead.

“Lar’shi…” Shas’ui D’yoh rushed around the corner that led to the emergency anti-grav platforms. He glanced down upon the bloodied muck he had stooped into with a glare of revulsion. He kicked away some traces of the gory murk as if the gesture would scrub his boots clean. He quickly realized the vain nature of the task and exchanged a glance of askance with T’Eldi has he approached. “Lar’shi’T’Eldi… where would you have Fire Team Cold Morning Deploy?”

“Our orders were to drive back the invaders…” The Old Hunter leaned his weapon onto his shoulder and glanced toward the Breacher Teams that scoured the rest of the facility for any lingering foes. His voice spiked in volume until every nearby

Fire Warrior could hear the sound of his voice. “That objective is no longer attainable. We retreat to the southern end of the Kio’va and from there defend our evacuees until it is time to evacuate ourselves. Understood?”

Twenty heads inclined in bleak acknowledgement. “Understood, Las’shi!”

~***~

Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000
Post by: Alienscar on June 15, 2018, 11:31:52 AM
T’Eldi scrambled back in several rapid footfalls,

Footfall is the sound of footsteps not an action. As noted previously ‘less is more’ so ‘Still concealed in his camouflaged cloak T’Eldi rapidly scrambled back’ would work better and add a bit of punch to the pace of the paragraph.

still concealed in the camouflage offered from his cloak.

camouflage offered from his cloak. Should be by his cloak.

The Pulse Rifle whined with infused energies and popped with incessant burst of pin-point pulse rounds.

Incessant burst should be incessant bursts

If you can I think it would be better if you could slow your writing down. You mix up your verb tenses and agreement on a regular basis and it confuses the story and therefore the overall enjoyment of the story. I think if you could slow down and read what you have written before you post then I think you would spot these mistakes yourself.

An eldar raider, lithe beyond even the frail measures of the spaceborne Air Caste, flitted across the Old Hunter’s vision like a wraith only half-realized.

Frail means weak and delicate so isn’t the correct word in this context. That is, what you have written actually says ‘agile beyond the weak measures of the Air Caste’ which doesn’t make sense.

The word wraith already refers to something ghostlike so doesn’t need the extra definition of being half-realised. Also 'realised' means understood not seen.

An eldar raider, lithe beyond even the frail measures of the spaceborne Air Caste, flitted across the Old Hunter’s vision like a wraith only half-realized. A wicked and barbed armor clad his slender form beneath segmented plates of glassine obsidian. Even in the dim light of the derelict Earth Caste Factory, the armor shone with a reflective polish to match the fiery glow lit upon its edges.

You. Need to stop writing. In short sentences.

The story would flow better and be easier to understand if your sentences flowed together instead of being nearly separate as some of them tend to be at the moment.

For example :-

An eldar raider, lithe beyond even the frail measures of the spaceborne Air Caste, flitted across the Old Hunter’s vision like a wraith only half-realized.

A wicked and barbed armor clad his slender form beneath segmented plates of glassine obsidian.

Even in the dim light of the derelict Earth Caste Factory, the armor shone with a reflective polish to match the fiery glow lit upon its edges.

I get what you are trying to say but overall the meaning and feeling of this paragraph is lost due to the phrasing of the sentences and the disjointed nature of each sentence.

As previously stated the word frail does not work so the paragraph gets off to a bad start. This is then compounded by the second sentence. Is the figure wearing armour beneath something else? It is not clear to me. Also ‘shone’ in the third sentence is the past tense so further confuses the paragraph. ‘Lit’ is also past tense and again its use confuses the reader.
 
Ultimately you do not need two sentences to describe armour.
 
A volley of obsidian shards streamed from the immaculate muzzle of the pirate’s exotic

Immaculate means clean, neat or tidy so, in my opinion, is a strange word to use when describing an alien weapon

T’Eldi weaved away from the sudden report of the Splinter Pistol clutched

This might just be me, but I don’t imagine a Splinter weapon using gunpowder or anything else explosive when it shoots, so the word report seems a bit off to me.

The word report just means a sudden loud noise and its use can be considered formal so, for me, that is another reason the word seems a bit off. Overall I think what bugs me is that the word report is not alien enough.

A smatter of shards landed at his feet and deflected off the surface

Smattering means a small amount. Smatter means to talk foolishly or with little knowledge.

deflected off the surface in any conceivable direction.

'Every' conceivable direction would be correct.

An explosion rocked the upper echelons of the AX-91 Facility.

The word echelon refers to the levels of an organisation not a structure.

An explosion rocked the upper echelons of the AX-91 Facility.

An invisible force detonated what remained of the ceiling overhead.

Here is another example of separate sentences that whilst seemingly linked don’t flow as well as they should. You could easily drop one of these sentences and no one would notice.

For example:-

An explosion rocked the AX-91 facility and T’Eldi quickly shielded himself behind a nearby dummy terminal as flames engulfed the drone docks. 

sparking cables and great gouts of coruscated flames

Coruscated means to flash or sparkle so isn’t the right word. I wonder if you meant conflagration, but even then the sentence would have to be rewritten to make that word work. Also coruscated is the past tense so if you still want to imply that the flames are reflective or sparkly then coruscating would be the correct tense.

The Old Hunter cried out as his right gauntlet sloughed away in rough tatters and the cobalt skin beneath it cooked writhed with a permanent scar from the licking flame.

Just one of the words ‘cooked’ or ‘writhed’ would work well enough on their own. Otherwise an ‘&’ is required between them.

‘With a permanent scar from the licking flame’ is the wrong tense for the rest of the sentence. You are essentially saying that T’Eldi’s skin and a scar writhed together under the flames. Also it is too soon to be referring to permanent scar in the manner that you have. Again, I get the gist of what you are trying but the meaning is lost amongst the errors.

An expansive force field of energies condensed into a liquidized form blocked each corridor until all avenues of approach

‘blocked’ each corridor should be blocking.

“You offer your comrades onto death itself.

'Unto' or simply 'to' would be correct.

A coward then.

This should end with an ‘!’ not a full stop.

Your tortured nervous system shall be felt with each gaping, wordless scream.

The tense of this is all over the place. Felt should be feel but changing just that wouldn’t fix the sentence.

Your tortured nervous system 'will' feel would be the correct tense, but then the rest of the sentence does not then make sense.

Your severed heads shall decorate the chain snares of my vessels, your pin-brains painstakingly kept intact. And your spinal cords replaced by more immortal designs that’ll ensnare you in perpetual agony for another thousand years!

Nothing to do with your writing, but I am supposed to think T’Eldi will still be alive and able to feel pain after his head has been severed?

Goaded into action MV1 Gun Drone squadrons swept forward into the firestorm with their weapons primed and unleashed.

It is bad practice to end a sentence with a verb as it creates an imbalanced feel to the sentence. Also using the word in the way that you have is incorrect. A weapon can’t be both primed and unleashed.

I think 'Goaded into action the MV1 Gun Drone squadrons unleashed their weapons as they swept forward into the firestorm' would be better.

Precise and calculated burst

Burst should be bursts. Also bursts of what? The word bursts needs something to burst to work.

I think '..and calculated bursts of firepower from a score.. would be better.

eldar slaver was overwhelmed from the firepower and scythed down.

'By' the firepower instead of 'from'

Uplifted, the Old Hunter felt a resurgence overcome him in that moment.

Again, similar to the word burst, the word resurgence needs an object. A resurgence of what in other words.

T’Eldi dodged the practiced coup-de-grace

coup-de-grace mean blow of mercy. That is, a blow to put someone/something out of their pain and suffering.

of a crackling power whip with a quick tuck and roll. The Warrioress

The word warrior is gender neutral so I don’t believe that warrioress should be used, just as you wouldn’t use the words chefess or officeress to describe a female chef or officer.

Apparently the film Warrioress has made the word acceptable.

onto his knees with mind-wracked agony.

Wracked is past tense. Wracking is the correct tense.

Electrocution pervaded into every fiber of the Old Hunter’s musculature and forced him backward until he tumbled back-first into a stack of discarded data slates.

Back-first!  I don’t think that I have come across that expression before. What is wrong with the word backwards? I see that you have previously used the word backwards, but that shouldn’t encourage you to use made up expressions. If you don’t want to use the word backwards twice I think you would be better off rewriting the sentence.

Also 'electrocution' is the wrong tense for this sentence as the word refers to someone that has suffered from an electric shock and not someone that is suffering.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000
Post by: Myen'Tal on June 17, 2018, 03:58:49 AM
Woow, that's a long list! Thank you for the continued support, Alienscar! I hope I'm actually learning some things from you!
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000
Post by: Alienscar on June 18, 2018, 05:38:12 AM
Woow, that's a long list!

Yeah, sorry about that and I still haven't finished yet!

I hope I'm actually learning somethings from you!

I can't decide if you are pulling my leg or not with this sentence. 'Somethings' should be 'some things'.

I hope I'm actually learning somethings from you!

From the way you make your corrections I get the impression that you write very quickly. I also get the impression that you make up your stories as you write. That is, I do not get the impression that you have plotted out the story line for your characters before you start writing.

This, if I am correct, isn't a bad thing as it must enable you to get your ideas written very quickly. What is a bad thing is that you don't seem to carry out any proofreading before you post.

It seems to me you only make a few mistakes and the only reason my list is as long as it is, is because you tend to make the same mistake on a regular basis.

Verb tense agreement, disjointed sentences and using words that do not mean what you think they mean are the mistakes you need to work on.   


Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
Post by: Myen'Tal on June 18, 2018, 09:27:41 AM
Quote
I can't decide if you are pulling my leg or not with this sentence. 'Somethings' should be 'some things'.

Sorry, that was a typo.

Yeah I tend to write everything out after I visualize a general direction that I want to head in. Like an idea that I think would be great to progress the story, then I think on a number of routes I can take to try to reach the place where the idea is set in the story line, then I sit down and connect the dots as I write. I do tend to write very quickly, most of these scenes I try to write in one sitting, then I divide them into smaller portions for readers to digest. As for proof-reading, I sweep through each section I write after I finish them. But you are correct, it is probably not the best way to do it, as I am already fatigued from writing and I obviously let some mistakes slip through that should have been caught.

I will take a few extra days to make multiple sweeps, I think, and see if that improves the overall structure and flow of the story. Thank you for the honest critique, Alien, you remind me that I must put in more effort if I am to reap the benefit :).
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
Post by: Alienscar on June 19, 2018, 05:05:03 AM
Yeah I tend to write everything out after I visualize a general direction that I want to head in. Like an idea that I think would be great to progress the story, then I think on a number of routes I can take to try to reach the place where the idea is set in the story line, then I sit down and connect the dots as I write.

Fascinating! I lack any creative imagination so I am always interested in reading about the creative process.

Thank you for the honest critique, Alien, you remind me that I must put in more effort if I am to reap the benefit :).

To be perfectly honest I think you might like to consider looking at articles that teach writing technique. As bluewpc has found out being a passionate self taught writer will only take you so far. If you are serious about taking your writing further you will need to learn the correct techniques. I have looked back through some of your previous work all the way to Irinon in 2009 and your writing style has not changed in all of these years. 
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
Post by: Alienscar on June 21, 2018, 07:00:55 AM
Bit more feedback on Scene 2. Still not finished yet though.
Quote from: MyenTal
The eldar whipped back her weapon more quickly than she had struck T’Eldi. All at once, the mere memory of the nerve-wracked pain he had experienced mere moments before left him beleaguered and bereft of muscle memory. Strength escaped from out of his slackened muscles and became useless. As a final act of defiance, T’Eldi rolled his limp head upwards to meet the gaze of the enemy that had slain him.

I am not sure where to start with this paragraph. For instance, ‘more quickly’ should be ‘quicker’, ‘recollection’ would be a better word than memory, ‘wracking’ instead of ‘wracked’ & the repetition of the word ’mere’ stand out straight away. Also muscle memory is a complicated issue and the concept is a little overblown when all you want to say is that T’Eldi lost his strength.

I think a simpler sentence construction would work better.

For example:-
 
As the Eldar prepared to strike again the thought of more pain like he had just experienced drove the strength from T’Eldi’s muscles.


Quote from: MyenTal
A vicious smile graced the lustful cherry lips carved upon the beatific Druhkari Warrioress.

Sorry, but I don’t understand this sentence. The words carved and beatific just don’t work for me. The word ‘carved’ is at odds with the word ‘lustful’ and ‘beatific’ means blissful or happy.

Quote from: MyenTal
A narrow and angular face framed a frenzied, wide-eyed stare reminiscent of the great drop into oblivion itself.

How can a stare be reminiscent of anything?

Quote from: MyenTal
Gory red streaked through great and lustrous streams of pinned-up hair the shade of an azure topaz gem.

Separated like this I hope you can see for yourself why this sentence does not work.

Quote from: MyenTal
Bloodied wounds were gouged over her obsidian gaze in the pattern of six neat cuts,

A gaze isn’t a physical thing so can’t be gouged

Quote from: MyenTal
Her Agonizer Whip cracked through the air and sliced the Shield Drone hovered

'hovered' should be 'hovering'

Quote from: MyenTal
sliced the Shield Drone hovered over the Shas’ui in twain

Similar to your use of betwixt why have you used the archaic form of ‘two’

Quote from: MyenTal
A triumph with neither great effort or grateful applause…

The word 'or' in this sentence should be 'nor'

Quote from: MyenTal
“Ninnymir Skull Flayer of the Infernal Brand,” The Kabalite Commander sketched an elegant bow. Her Agonizer Whip cracked through the air and sliced the Shield Drone hovered over the Shas’ui in twain—all in the same movement as her bow. “A triumph with neither great effort or grateful applause..

I think you should keep your sentences simpler.

‘Ninnymir, Skull Flayer of the Infernal Brand.’ As she sketched out a mocking bow the Shield Drone that was hovering over the Shas’ui was casually sliced in two with a skilful crack of her Agonizer whip.



I will take a few extra days to make multiple sweeps, I think, and see if that improves the overall structure and flow of the story. Thank you for the honest critique, Alien, you remind me that I must put in more effort if I am to reap the benefit :).

As practise have a look at the opening paragraph to Scene 3 and see if you can spot the errors in that.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
Post by: Alienscar on June 26, 2018, 11:20:10 AM
The last of my thoughts for Scene 2

Quote from: MyenTal
or grateful applause…but your trophy-skull shall have to do in the stead of my myriad glories.”

The word trophy-skull does not make any sense used as you have used it and I think, 'but your skull as a trophy will have to do' might be better.

'In the stead of my myriad glories' is the wrong use of the word myriad. Myriad means countless or extremely great in number. As written Ninnymir would appear to be saying that having T’Eldi’s skull is a replacement for all the victories she has ever achieved.


Quote from: MyenTal
A squadron of Gun Drones retreated back toward T’Eldi. The Drones unleashed their payload, but found each dispensed round dissipated in a sudden haze of inky black smoke that seemed to wrap around their mistress. Ninnymir did not flinch from their enraptured attention, but instead lifted the blast pistol in her off-hand and squeezed the trigger.

This is another example of you writing in short sentences that ultimately confuses the flow of the paragraph.

There is no need for the sentence that begins ‘The Drones unleashed..’


I think something like this would work:-
 
A squadron of Gun Drones retreated towards T’Eldi unleashing their payload as they moved, but each round fired disappeared in the haze of inky black smoke that had suddenly appeared around their target.


Quote from: MyenTal
but found each dispensed round dissipated in a sudden haze of inky black smoke that seemed to wrap around their mistress.

Because of the way you have structured this sentence you are saying that Ninnymir is the Drones mistress.

Quote from: MyenTal
Ninnymir did not flinch from their enraptured attention,

This doesn’t work because of the word enraptured. Enraptured means to fill with delight or give intense pleasure to, this is not what the Drones are doing.

Quote from: MyenTal
but instead lifted the blast pistol in her off-hand and squeezed the trigger.

I am not sure about the expression ‘off-hand’. I get what you mean, but I think it is an expression used in gaming rather than real life. Also the expression only makes sense if I know which hand the character uses as their main hand.

Quote from: MyenTal
T’Eldi had never seen Drukhari nor their greatly advanced technology, but the mere stories alone could always reach an ancient veteran like him no matter which backwater he chose for settlement.

The word ‘nor’ should be ‘or’ and you have used the word ‘mere’ incorrectly again.

I think something like this would work better;-

T’Eldi had never seen any Drukhari, but stories of their advanced technology had even reached the backwater settlements that he liked to call home.

Better still would be to drop the sentence as it doesn’t seem to add anything to the paragraph.


Quote from: MyenTal
Before Ninnymir could pull the trigger,

Too late for this as Ninnymir has already squeezed the trigger with her ‘off-hand’ two sentences ago.

Quote from: MyenTal
the hunter sagged onto his right shoulder with all of the strength left in him.

The word ‘sagged’ is at odds with the word ‘strength’ as sagging refers to an action that has taken place due to lack of strength.

Quote from: MyenTal
He lifted an arm over his head to shield him from the cursed effects of Dark Light Weaponry.

The word curse has a few meanings. It can refer to the use of magic, something that annoys you or the use of swear words. None of this really works for your sentence as I don’t imagine that anyone being fired at by a Dark Light weapon would describe it as annoying.

Quote from: MyenTal
Ninnymir squeezed the trigger in rapid succession, each pull rewarded with the brief disintegration of a Drone.

‘Brief disintegration of a Drone’ means that the disintegration of the Drone was only temporary.

Quote from: MyenTal
T’Eldi dared not budge his head to preserve his eyesight from permanent blindness that Dark Light Weapons left scarred upon their victims.

I am not too sure about the word budge as you have used it here. As a verb it seems to read that T’Eldi’s head is separate to him and he is having trouble moving it.

Scarred upon their victims is the wrong tense and the wrong use of the word scarred.


Quote from: MyenTal
“T’Eldi, keep yourself protected!” Yr’Vah’s voice cut through the cacophony of the skirmish. “Photon Grenade out!”

Grizzlykin has covered this already and generally I agree with everything that he said except I don’t think you should be using this expression at all.

In its original form it was too terrestrial but in this form it doesn’t really generate any feeling of danger or warning. I realise it is difficult, but I think you need to come up with something original and Tau like.


Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
Post by: Myen'Tal on July 1, 2018, 09:33:27 AM
Hey Alienscar, so does this conclude your feedback for scene 2? If so, I will go ahead and start scheduling sometime where I can sit down and start tackling it. I've also noted that I need to make a couple of passes through Tapestries of Faith... I've kind of let that fall to the wayside a bit, even though the first chapter is just about done, where I wanted to stop (which makes the crime even greater! :P).

I think I will look into some writing classes, because I actually agree with you, there's some problems with improving my style and technique that I really won't be able to address until I can have someone wiser than me hone in on them and instill me with the knowledge to avoid said pitfalls.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
Post by: Alienscar on July 1, 2018, 12:19:44 PM
Hey Alienscar, so does this conclude your feedback for scene 2?

Hi MyenTal, yes that is my feedback for Scene 2 completed. Just going through Scene 3 now.
Title: Re: The Nocturnal Phantasma (Chapter 1: Scene 3: Warhammer 40000)
Post by: Alienscar on July 4, 2018, 06:50:30 AM
Here are all of my thoughts on Scene 3

Quote from: MyenTal
Ninnymir swiveled her eyes of midnight

The word midnight on its own just refers to a time of day so here you have created a really confused phrase. Better would be Ninnymir swivelled her eyes of midnight black, but even that is a bit clumsy. 

Quote from: MyenTal
toward the clatter of noise at her feet,

The word clatter already refers to a particular type of noise so writing ‘clatter of noise’ does not make any sense. Better to write ‘toward the clattering noise’


Quote from: MyenTal
Ninnymir swiveled her eyes of midnight toward the clatter of noise at her feet, then shifted from the thrown grenade to the T’au reinforcements that stormed into the Drone Factory.

Due to your phrasing this sentence doesn’t work correctly. The ‘then shifted’ part isn’t connected to the first part in a way that makes sense because your phrasing has separated the throwing of the grenade from the clattering noise.

What I have written below might be a bit better, but to be honest I would still not be happy as I haven’t captured the quickness of action that I think you were after.

Ninnymir watched as a grenade clattered at her feet and then she shifted her gaze towards the Tau reinforcements that were storming into the Drone factory.


Quote from: MyenTal
In a brilliant display of sheer dexterity,

Agility, not dexterity. Dexterity refers to being skilled with your hands.

Quote from: MyenTal
the Wych of the Infernal Brand pounced from upon the remains of a destroyed Shield Drone,

The word pounced describes someone/something leaping suddenly towards something so your sentence has become confused as the word ‘from’ does not work. I think mostly the confusion arises because you haven’t shown how Ninnymir arrived on the Drone.

Something like this might be better, but again I wouldn’t be totally happy.

In an incredible display of agility Ninnymir pounced from where she stood onto the remains of a Shield Drone and from there leapt across the flames that were consuming the building.


Quote from: MyenTal
a move that piqued with a great spring across the flames of the burning structure.

Pique means arouse interest or feel irritated. Peaked is probably the word you were looking for.

Quote from: MyenTal
The dark-light blast from the ancient weapon smacked a blinded Shas’la square in the chest, detonating him like a miniature warhead.

Using the verb ‘detonate’ as you have here doesn’t quite work and you have also created a complex sentence that has the hallmarks of a comma splice use.

I think something simpler like this would be better.

The Dark Light blast from the ancient weapon hit a Shas’la square in the chest and he detonated like a miniature warhead.


Quote from: MyenTal
Ribbons of tattered gore

The word gore refers to blood that has been shed or become clotted so it can’t be described as tattered. ‘gory tatters of flesh’ would work better.

Quote from: MyenTal
Ribbons of tattered gore sprinkled onto the charred corridors of Facility AX-91 and the Fire Warriors nearest to their deceased comrade. A handful of Shas’la grazed from the blast of the fallout crumbled to the ground with dismembered limbs, such was the kinetic strength behind the shot. Others collapsed in upon themselves, reduced to blinded and mewling husks of their former selves.

There are a lot of tense issues with this paragraph. Grazed from should be grazed by. With dismembered limbs should be ‘…ground their limbs dismembered.’ Blinded should be blind’.

Quote from: MyenTal
Pulse Blasters rippled out of the shadows from the other end of the factory.

The word rippled refers to small waves or undulations on a surface. Also the word rippled is commonly used to describe the way that water moves, so its use here is really confusing.

Quote from: MyenTal
Dispersed nets of super-heated plasma saturated the corridors with each heavy thump of a weapon report.

I am not sure if it is because you have started this sentence with a verb, but something feels off when I read this sentence.

If I use a synonym for the word dispersed such as dissipated, spread, scattered I think it becomes clearer why I am struggling with this sentence. Also I can’t say for why, but each heavy thump doesn’t read right and I think ‘every heavy’ would be better.


Quote from: MyenTal
A kill zone formed from the plasma shells of a dozen Pulse Blasters swept into the nearest squad of Kabalites with merciless efficiency.

The word shell usually refers to a spent round, so it isn’t clear to me how a kill zone can be created by empty bullet cases.

‘swept through’ would be better than ‘into’ as ‘into refers to a position that is surrounded by or is inside something.


Quote from: MyenTal
Defiant till their dying breath, the Obsidian Rose warriors screamed in outrage as their limbs were systematically blown into bits, from highest to lowest priorities.

I do not understand what you mean by the phrase ‘highest to lowest priorities’. The way that you have written this sentence means that you have prioritised an arm over a leg as a target.
 

Quote from: MyenTal
Splinter rounds popped incessantly as they exchanged their vicious payload with the quickened burst from discharged pulse weaponry.

Due to the way that the word exchanged works and to how you structured this sentence you have essentially made out that the Splinter rounds have carried out an action.

Quote from: MyenTal
Here and there, a member of the Breacher Teams folded in on himself and spasmed from a mere

‘The’ mere graze, not ‘a mere graze’

Quote from: MyenTal
the Obsidian Rose surged through the firestorm with a boldness borne from countless millennia of arrogance.

‘Borne of countless’ , not ‘borne from countless’


Quote from: MyenTal
Burdened from the lingering agonies of electrocution, T’Eldi somehow staved off the overwhelming ache in his limbs and pushed himself up onto his knees with stiffened hands. His entire body screamed out in defiance and seemed ready to surrender to the eternal peace of oblivion. The Old Hunter pushed himself up with a great heave and pinned his back against the terminal behind him.

I see this as another example of where you have used short sentences to get your point across, but the end result doesn’t flow well enough to work.

The middle sentence isn’t required.


I think something like this would be better:-

Aching from the lingering effects of electrocution T’Eldi forced himself onto his knees. His limbs still screaming from that small effort he heaved himself upright and sagged against a Terminal so that he didn’t fall over.


Quote from: MyenTal
The Old Hunter craned his head in the direction of the Gladiatrix in time to watch her sever two helmeted heads from their corpses with a flick of her wrist.

Because of the way you have previously used the word corpse I am not sure what you are saying here. At face value you have said that Ninnymir severed the heads from two bodies that were already dead. Is that what you meant to say?

Quote from: MyenTal
Heightened by her combat drugs, Skull Flayer reached such a pique of violence

As before this is the wrong use of the word pique

Quote from: MyenTal
and gore that the T’au who encountered her appeared to degenerate into bloodied shreds

disintegrate, not degenerate. Amongst other things the word degenerate just means to decline or deteriorate physically so its use would imply a slow process

Quote from: MyenTal
True to their hot-blooded nature, the disciplined shock troops formed their ranks and defiantly held their ground.

Hot-blooded refers to someone that is quick to show strong feelings such as love or anger. I am not sure if that description suits a supposedly disciplined unit.

Quote from: MyenTal
A score of cruel and proven slavers strode

This description is a little odd I feel. The cruel part is fine but the ‘proven slavers’ makes no real sense in the context of the paragraph.

Quote from: MyenTal
withered like parchment seared through numerous times.

This simile doesn’t work as paper can’t be burnt more than once.

Quote from: MyenTal
Suddenly disinterested in the sight of their own dead, the Kabalites realized that they were repulsed and scattered back in the direction of their void-craft.

There has been no indication in your writing that the warriors were interested in looking at the bodies of their comrades, so the ‘suddenly disinterested’ bit of this sentence does not work.

Quote from: MyenTal
Any stragglers too beleaguered to make good on their own escape

I am not sure that too beleaguered is the correct phrasing or use of the word beleaguer. If I use a synonym for both of these words I get phrasing such as; ‘any stragglers excessively under pressure to make good on their own escape’, or ‘any stragglers ridiculously surrounded to make good on their own escape’. None of these work, so this shows that the sentence needs to be written differently.

Quote from: MyenTal
Any stragglers too beleaguered to make good on their own escape were swept away in a tide of vented plasma from both the point-blank blasts of the aggressive Pulse Blasters or the far-sighted Pulse Pistols.

Overall this sentence is confused and has tense errors. ‘vented plasma from both the point-blank blasts’ isn’t a complete thought and should be written as ‘vented plasma that spewed out from the  Blasters and the Pistols.

‘Both’ and ‘or’ do not belong together.

You can’t describe a pistol as being far-sighted as a pistol cannot 'see' anything.


Quote from: MyenTal
Stuck between boundless rage and inspired martial pride, some measure of strength returned onto T’Eldi

‘to T’Eldi, not ‘onto T’Eldi’. By saying strength returned onto T’Eldi you are saying that strength is somehow resting on the surface of T’Eldi.

Quote from: MyenTal
The Old Hunter pushed aside the sight of mutilated comrades from his mind and bore the stock

‘Bore’ is past tense so confuses the phrasing of this sentence.

Quote from: MyenTal
The last of what remained of the Fire Dawn Cadre.

Eh? This sentence doesn’t seem to be linked to anything.

Quote from: MyenTal
Though Ninnymir’s posture remained triumphant, the grimace etched on her features seemed to writhe like a worm burrowing beneath her skin. A pallid hand clenched over a bloodied wound on her midriff, but distracted though she was, the enigmatic creature seemed to feel T’Eldi’s gaze trained upon her.

Another example of separate sentences that don’t quite flow well enough to tell a story.

The sentence beginning ‘A pallid hand’ is too separate as a thought to flow smoothly on from the previous sentence.
 

Quote from: MyenTal
Cautiously, Ninnymir shifted her midnight eyes in the Old Hunter’s direction.

As previously noted, ‘midnight’ is a time.

Quote from: MyenTal
mounted on the trophy racks of my Raiders for an eternity or more!

Enterity means infinite or unending so there can’t be more.

Quote from: MyenTal
T’Eldi pretended to consider her offer for not even a second.

This is confused. How do you pretend not to do something?


Quote from: MyenTal
The corpse flung itself backward from the sudden force

Once again you have used the word corpse incorrectly.  A corpse by definition cannot complete an action.

Quote from: MyenTal
The corpse flung itself backward from the sudden force and complete lack of resistance.

Also how can the lack of resistance to a force result in any backwards movement.

Quote from: MyenTal
T’Eldi sighed and watched the carcass tumble into the remains of the defiled dead.

Defiled is past tense so this phrase comes across as if you are trying to use defiled as an adjective. Because dead is also an adjective the phrase does not work.

Quote from: MyenTal
He glanced down upon the bloodied muck he had stooped into

Why has D’yoh knelt, bent or otherwise crouched over in the mud? Did you mean to write stepped or stopped?

Quote from: MyenTal
He kicked away some traces of the gory murk

The word murk refers darkness or a thick mist

Quote from: MyenTal
He quickly realized the vain nature of the task and exchanged a glance of askance with T’Eldi

‘What the beslubber!’ Is what I said to myself when I first read this and I have really got to ask about your use of the word askance? The way you have used the word here means that you think it means ‘with a look of asking’. From the way you write though I find this hard to believe and it really makes me wonder what happened.

The word askance means to look at something with doubt or without trust.

Better phrasing would be: He quickly realised the vain nature of the task and exchanged a questioning glance with T’ELdi.


Quote from: MyenTal
has he approached.

‘As, not ‘has’

Title: The Vengeful Dead
Post by: Myen'Tal on January 28, 2019, 10:36:11 PM
EDIT: Some spelling mistakes ironed out.

The Vengeful Dead
Chapter One:

   “By our faith, the myriad foes of mankind are scorched and scattered before the light of our zeal.

   “By our will, a million worlds blaze through the void as a beacon in the dark. May it guide the righteous and steel those with purity of mind.

   “By Terra, is the Imperial Truth etched into every heart and the Emperor’s light cast across the corners of the galaxy.

   “I alone exist because of him on Terra. My sisters are his grace given form. My Order is his will made manifest…”


   Lyra Savakis cupped her head in adamantium gauntlets, the sensation reminiscent of fastening an iron ball and chain onto herself. Clasped in a suit forged from the hellish forges of the mechanicus, a simple gesture should have been all but impossible for her. But the servos built into the foundations of her armor grinded and turned with every pulse of her nervous system, synced as it was into the carapace interfacing with her body and armor alike.

An impulse from her mind forced the suit of power armor to grind down onto one knee. The impact upon the hallowed alabaster granite beneath her sent a web of cracks through the Cathedral’s floor. A sudden roar emitted from the armor, a heated blast of incensed smoke and holy flame from the braziers affixed upon the armor’s rear vents.

“Beloved Savior of Mankind have mercy upon our unworthy souls. Why turn the Astronimican’s light away from your benighted stars? Your subjects perish in their untold billions, beset by unending war. Tell us how we must repent…”

“Do you never tire of that ceaseless devotion?” An accusation from across the cathedral cut off Lyra from her thoughts. “Have you never spared yourself the thought that perhaps – this Emperor of yours – would have you save yourself? What good can one creature – even divine as he maybe – accomplish from the very throne that has entombed him?”

Another impulse and Lyra lurched upon her feet, wreathed in flame and smoke, and bolt pistol in hand. One much more devoted than Lyra would have acted upon the movement and pulped the blasphemer’s skull with but another impulse. Anatolijus had once again proven her wisdom. Lyra was weak, beset by doubt and plagued with the presence of babbling heretical aliens that could never hold their tongue.

“You will hold your silence, heretic. Or face imminent execution. The choice is your own to make. Cannoness Anatolijus decreed that I become your watchful guardian for the duration of your incarceration. She would not begrudge me from reminding you of your place, even if you would only find it in death.”

Seated amidst the pews of the cathedral was a creature of inhuman beauty. An incredibly lithe female alien that exuded elegance throughout every fiber of her being. Locks of fiery auburn hair cascaded down the length of a porcelain, statuesque face. Eyes of emerald, bold in their size and intensity, gazed defiantly into the oiled muzzle aimed between them with deadly intent. Her features were sharper than any honest human, chiseled into an immaculate form that could tempt the unwary into boundless lust.

“Mankind is so full of ironies, Lyra.” Taryi Vannifar quipped, a delicate rise in the pitch her tone the only sign of her annoyance. “You would do well to wake up and realize that the galaxy will continue on long after the light of Mankind is extinguished. Even long after my kin are eradicated from the stars and our worst nightmares beset upon us in the waking world. Murdering would-be allies will not stave off the inevitable.”

Lyra mocked the alien with a callous chortle. “If only the Eldar were not so crafty manipulators and deceivers, perhaps your alliance with Mankind would not come into question so often. You deserve your fate in damnation. How many billions of Imperial citizens were lost fighting the Eldar’s wars? How much must we sacrifice until the Eldar have had enough of our affairs?”

For once, Taryi remained silent of her own volition. The Eldar folded her arms and cocked her head to one side. She studied Lyra with an ill-concealed curiosity, before replying with a derisive snort of her own before gazing elsewhere.

Lyra clenched her other fist in anticipation, the sound of adamantium ground upon itself a booming dirge. An impulsive thought of her crushing the wind from out of the alien’s throat seized her, but she terminated the image after a moment. Anatolijus would have no qualms crucifying Lyra if she disobeyed her orders so deliberately.

An awkward silence descended upon the cathedral. Lyra could no longer return to her prayers, distracted as she was with murderous zeal. She leaned heavily against one of the unadorned pillars that kept the Shrine of the Emperor from collapsing. In silence, she maintained her vigil over Taryi Vannifar. The Eldar herself seemed more than content to become lost in her own contemplation, the tips of her fingers playing with a beautiful gem about the size of the creature’s fist embedded upon her chest.

“Your Sisters fought valiantly, for what it’s worth.” Taryi squeezed her eyes shut as if warding off some disguised malignance. “You should be grateful to secure such a victory against the ruinous powers.

“And why your Order gladly gave their lives to protect the Governor’s Palace… mine ensured that Tyrannus would not fall from within. The Eldar secured your triumph even with our defeat, but helping you understand that sounds much too difficult for your mind to appropriately handle.”

“Enough.” Lyra punched the air with an iron fist. “Be silent. Or this time I will silence you myself—”

“Sister Superior.” Aleka’s somber voice interrupted from the shrine’s entrance that led into the further reaches of Gythium. “Liatos asks after you, Savakis. Shall I have another Sister observe the alien in your absence?”

Lyra arched her brow and shrugged. “Tell Arva to come watch this heretic herself! Anatolijus commanded me and I abide her judgement. I would trust no one else to bear the burden of hearing the Eldar babble.”

Aleka hesitated, halting herself from mirroring the gesture. “Liatos comes with the Cannoness’ judgement, Superior. I shall have Korina relieve you.”

Taryi hummed with mocking laughter, her expression smug. “Has my final hour arrived, at last?”

Lyra knitted her brow and ignored the jab. Features screwed up into the wrathful image of Saint Celestine herself, she strode past Taryi to slam open the cathedral doors and make her exit…

~***~



 


Post Merge: January 29, 2019, 02:35:09 PM
In the future, please use the modify button. Double posting is against the forum rules, and for that reason, the system merged your posts.

Lyra cast open the cathedral doors and stepped into Gythium’s war torn corridors. She cast her gaze around pulpits carved intricately into the ribbed vault ceiling above – now shattered and ground into broken nubs. Tattered Tapestries, scorched from the flames of war, billowed in the cold breeze seeping through collapsed swathes of the bastion’s walls. Lyra tread through the maze of debris and detritus collected in the corridor, expression frozen between reverence and abhorrence.

She tread gingerly past the corpses of martyrs, their saintly forms brutalized by ferocious combat. For every fallen member of the Emperor’s Grace, the accursed corpses of fallen mutants, traitors, and heretics collected about them by the dozen. The purity of fire had cleansed the taint that exuded from each of them, replacing madness with the certainty of cleansed flesh.

A cold breeze assailed Lyra and she paused in front of the consequential result of a Dreadnaught’s fist against the hallowed adamantium walls of Gythium Fortress. Beyond the gaping wound carved for about a league across in the corridor wall, the Hive City of Aurelia stretched beyond the scope of her vision in an unending urban sprawl.

It was a magnificent city built for millennia of generations upon it’s ever crumbling foundations. Aurelia was an unfathomable mountain crafted from the endless toil of countless billions of hands. A lavish city of decadence and zealous faith in equal measure from the highest spires. A degenerate slum of suffering and bleakness the further one crawled into the sunless depths beneath.

Lyra witnessed a world still ablaze from the depredations and cruelties of warfare on a galactic scale. Entire districts within the Upper City and Undercity –grounded to dust in the beginning of the Thousand Sons’ invasion—remained nothing more than toppled stones even after the of constant labor spent to restore Aurelia’s splendor. Infernos still blazed on the horizon where the last pockets of enemy resistance still fought against the Emperor’s Legions.

“Gaze upon her well, Lyra Savakis.” Sister Superior Arva Liatos emerged from out of the shadows of the corridor. She approached casually and joined her friend by the breach. “And bear the fruit of our victory. A husk of a world soon to be cloaked in an eternal shadow of darkness. I fear that we have won nothing but a moment’s respite, Lyra, nothing more.”

“But a fortnight ago, you and I fought back to back against the traitorous Astartes of the Thousand Sons. Remember? Our deeds were etched into the heart of those vile apostates in those days. Seems like an eternity ago… as if I were not the same woman then that I am now.”

“Well, we certainly were not as highly ranked back then.” Arva chuckled. “Perhaps bearing responsibility for others is changing you quickly?”

Lyra cocked her head at Arva and smirked. “My hair will become grayer than Anthanasia’s before the end of my life. I promise you that much… How about you? You haven’t changed much. Not at first glance, anyway.”

“Didn’t have to change too much to become a Sister Superior.” Arva unfolded her arms to insert a Lho stick into her mouth. A spark from a lighter hidden in the palm of her hand lit the narcotic substance. “I figured that I should act as I always have. I made subtle changes, of course, but my Sisters seem to admire my demeanor. That’s the best that I can ask for.”

A smile broke through Lyra’s rigid countenance. Arva noticed and arched her brow with a broad grin. Lyra clapped her friend on the winged pauldron of her armor, invigorated with a energy she had not felt for two weeks.

“Are you Anatolijus’ messenger bird now?” Lyra sighed. “What would our illustrious saint command of me?”

“Good news, for once.” Arva replied. “The Angelica Clandestine and the Repentant have been selected for Kill Team missions. The Arch-Enemy remains elusive in our great city, we have our orders to hunt specific heretics together. Like old times.”

“And what of the alien?” Lyra frowned. “Anatolijus would have us playing games of cat and mouse when Gythium’s garrison is so depopulated? I expect the Craftworlders of Teyl-Jhen would not appreciate one of their own being imprisoned by their former allies. I do not trust Taryi or the honeyed words she speaks.”

Arva snorted and heaved her shoulders defiantly. “Let that witch weave her schemes. You understand what happened to the Teyl-Jhenites more than anyone. They won’t return to Tyrannus in some generations.”

“Whether they come to us doesn’t matter much.” Lyra countered. “The Imperium of Man shall come to them in the coming days. Of that I am certain. And if I am certain, then the Eldar must be doubly so.”

“Leave the aliens to their craft, Lyra.” Arva casually dismissed Lyra’s suspicions. “Get your squad suited up and let’s burn some heretics. I have several recruits eager for battle and retribution. A mission will take your mind off all this uncertainty. Clear your mind.”

Arva squeezed Lyra’s adamantium hand once and then shifted to leave the way she arrived. Lyra watched her depart, then turned her gaze back onto a chaotic Aurelia. A nagging feeling surfaced in the pit of her gut. A suspicion that Tyrannus had not seen the last of her darkest days, and that night once again drew nearer than ever.

~***~
Title: Re: The Vengeful Dead
Post by: Alienscar on March 27, 2019, 07:13:30 AM
“By our faith, the myriad foes of mankind are scorched and scattered before the light of our zeal.

“By our will, a million worlds blaze through the void as a beacon in the dark. May it guide the righteous and steel those with purity of mind.

“By Terra, is the Imperial Truth etched into every heart and the Emperor’s light cast across the corners of the galaxy.

“I alone exist because of him on Terra. My sisters are his grace given form. My Order is his will made manifest…”


These four paragraphs have small errors that cause a reader to stumble their way through them.

I think you meant to use the word ‘before’ as a synonym for ‘ahead’, but your sentence structure has turned it into something else. If you substitute the word ‘ahead’ for ‘before’ you will see what I mean.

A ‘million’ and ‘it’ do not match from a count perspective, so this confuses what you are trying to imply. Also it is hard to imagine how a million worlds separated by light years could appear as one ‘beacon’

‘Across the corners’ does not make any sense either. ‘To every corner’ would be better I think.

The last paragraph would appear to be saying that Lyra is the only person on Terra.


Lyra Savakis cupped her head in adamantium gauntlets, the sensation reminiscent of fastening an iron ball and chain onto herself. Clasped in a suit forged from the hellish forges of the mechanicus, a simple gesture should have been all but impossible for her. But the servos built into the foundations of her armor grinded and turned with every pulse of her nervous system, synced as it was into the carapace interfacing with her body and armor alike.
 
An impulse from her mind forced the suit of power armor to grind down onto one knee. The impact upon the hallowed alabaster granite beneath her sent a web of cracks through the Cathedral’s floor. A sudden roar emitted from the armor, a heated blast of incensed smoke and holy flame from the braziers affixed upon the armor’s rear vents.

As Wyddr and I have pointed out previously this is a lot of words just to say Lyra stood up. Also it contains wording that causes a reader to double take what they have read.

‘Clasped in a suit forged from the hellish forges of the Mechanicus’ means her suit was made from the forge rather than in it.

 I don’t know if it was your intention, but your use of the words ‘grind’, ‘forced’ and later on ‘lurched’ gives the impression that Lyra’s suit is on the verge of breaking down.



“Beloved Savior of Mankind have mercy upon our unworthy souls. Why turn the Astronimican’s light away from your benighted stars?

I could be wrong but I think you meant to use the word blighted here. I say this as a star can’t be benighted due to the fact that benighted refers to someone that is morally ignorant.

It can also mean overtaken by darkness, but it is difficult to see how a star can become surrounded by literal darkness or by the night.


“You will hold your silence, heretic. Or face imminent execution.

Imminent refers to something that is about to happen it does not mean immediate which is what I think you are trying to say. In this sentence Lyra is effectively saying she will kill the prisoner sometime soon.



Seated amidst the pews of the cathedral was a creature of inhuman beauty. An incredibly lithe female alien that exuded elegance throughout every fibre of her being.

By using two sentences here where one would suffice you have created an incomplete thought. A comma after ‘beauty’ is all that is needed.

Eyes of emerald, bold in their size and intensity, gazed defiantly into the oiled muzzle aimed between them with deadly intent.

The gun being aimed between them means that the gun wasn’t aimed at either of them.

“You would do well to wake up and realize that the galaxy will continue on long after the light of Mankind is extinguished. Even long after my kin are eradicated from the stars and our worst nightmares beset upon us in the waking world.

You have used two sentences where one is required and once again this has produced a sentence that is an incomplete thought. The sentence that starts ‘Even’ shouldn’t be a sentence.


I will stop there as the rest of it goes on in the same vein. Less is more is something that I have said before and it is true of this story as well. Shorter sentences and the use of the correct words go a long way to making a story accessible.

More importantly whilst there is a lot of words there is little content. That is, after writing so much nothing of consequence has happened. After reading this a few times I still get no impression of a plot.